The Art of Charm Best Of 2025

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1:13Get stuff done and start enjoying your to-do list again. Download Stuff from the App Store today. But if I do know that other piece, if I put those pieces together, then I could validate that person. After 24 hours, 48 hours, You change your LinkedIn post, the press release goes out. And are you really feeling successful? There's an emptiness that follows that many of us aren't ready for because we're so disconnected. We use a lot of tactics like scarcity and tactics of, you know, you have very limited time or if you don't do this, something negative is going to happen. And that creates a negative psychological effect.

1:50What we're talking about is logos and pathos combined. That makes for ethos, as you know, that's that's your identity. It's your self-identity, but it's also what you project to others. All this comes down to rhetoric. And rhetoric is about the power of words. If you're highly analytical, get accurate evidence. And there's nothing that is more accurate than using your phone. Record yourself. And the best part of that, you're opening the doors to hear their perspective. And if you're having that conversation, you probably haven't seen a clear path and need to get their input. opens up the floor for them to answer that question that you've been pondering.

2:33So you have all of your skills, your full package, and then you are expecting to impress somebody in 15 or 20 minutes.

2:53Today, we're giving you a 60-minute best of. The moments of our last year, the audience replays again and again because they change how you show up with people. Five themes, no fluff, just the tools. How to make people feel seen. How to get past small talk. How to influence without getting weird. How to be heard. And one question that upgrades almost any conversation. You'll hear quick hits from Carolyn Fleck, Adam Dorsey, Dr. Abby Mourinho, Jay Henricks, Michael Hupner, and Charles Duhigg. Plus, one of our short Intelligence Brief episodes. Let's start with the foundation. If you can't make someone feel seen, nothing else lands.

3:34Vibing isn't magic. It's a skill. You stop performing and start tracking the other person. And once you understand what they're really reacting to, you can validate them without agreeing with everything they say. Here's the first piece. How to vibe on purpose. you have what 20 minutes to win somebody over so you want to go in there and impress them so you have all of your skills your full package and then you are expecting to impress somebody in 15 and or 20 minutes and if you think about it too hard you start planning what you're going to say, everybody knows whatever you plan never happens, right?

4:24So what we're going to do is lay out strategies that are going to help you out, have some things to look forward to, but also give you the tools. So no matter what happens in this hour, 90 minutes, whatever it might be, that you win, that you come out excited for the opportunities that are going to be ahead of you. So let's go ahead and start putting this together. Well, I want to share a quick story about a client of ours, Raj, who got invited to a golf foursome. Now, he knew that in this foursome, there was an opportunity to talk a little bit about a real estate investment that he was a part of and he was putting together and he was looking for a big number.

5:06Yeah. We're talking$100 million to develop out this real estate. And he came to me and he was asking, like, what am I going to talk about? And in a foursome, you got four and a half hours to vibe. So we got a long time here that we need to vibe. And you got to actually not talk about yourself and not talk about the opportunity, but you got to win the other person over and build trust fast. So what we're going to share today are the exact strategies that I shared with Raj that actually at the end of that golf outing, he had a follow-up email saying, where do I send the check? And he actually landed a hundred million dollar investment in his development.

5:40So that's the power of vibing. We're not just talking first dates, but we're talking about how to advance your career and how to open those doors to real opportunities. Now, of course, when we talk about this, everyone asks us, well, what do I say? And immediately we focus on ourselves, which is the wrong way to go about this. Notice the move. You're not trying to be impressive. You're trying to be useful to the moment. Now take that one step deeper. Validation isn't compliments. It's cause and effect. like we were saying earlier so moving from summarizing to perspective taking like allowing yourself to begin to be in someone else's shoes and recognize experiences that have shaped their view their beliefs their behaviors because we have so many environmental influences that make us different and we don't really think about them usually because we're living our own experience and we're the main character in in the movie so we like to just place those same experiences on others.

6:38But when you get good at contextualizing and recognizing, OK, well, that's yeah, loud noise. That could be anything from their experience. In my experience, I have no reason to duck under a desk or a chair or anything of the sort. That's right. But if I do know that other piece, if I put those pieces together, then I could validate that person. Right. So what that means is, can we ask follow up questions to deepen our understanding, to contextualize, right? So instead of just saying, oh, I can't validate someone or, oh, we never got to that point, right? As we're talking about building rapport, if you can ask better questions and dig a layer deeper, you can contextualize with anyone.

7:19I really want to push this to make it really, to really challenge folks. And in doing so, I'm going to reveal a really dark, weird secret. Uh-oh. Just between us, I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. I, okay. All right. I am obsessed with serial killers. This is super weird, I know. But like when I can't sleep at night, I go on Wikipedia and just read about Dahmer or read about whomever. And I've had other psychologists tell me the same thing, that they are obsessed with serial killers. And I can tell you, for me, what I'm obsessed with is trying to find the connection, how they got from point A to point Q, serial killer.

8:07You know, like what led to this? And that's not to say that there's an excuse for their behavior or anything like that. But I know that various factors came into play that had those dominoes fall just so. And I'm really curious. I enjoy the process of trying to make sense of things that seem really impossible to understand. I know that's weird. It's really not. I mean, true crime, serial killer podcasts are some of the most downloaded and there's shows, documentaries about all of these people. So if you were the only one with that affliction, I don't think there'd be as many downloads and views.

8:50But what is curious is with the psychology angle, obviously psychologists have an even deeper curiosity around understanding the human psyche and what those environmental influences are and what those genetic influences are and how to piece the puzzle together that someone who's seemingly normal could do such ghastly things. Yeah, I'm also frankly always imagining that this is a patient of mine. And like if I had to work with this person, how would I do it? And I know that if I'm going to affect any change, really, if I'm going to be effective with somebody, I've got to be able to see validity in something.

9:29And so I am kind of looking at it through that lens of like, how would I, you know, so weird to say, but how would I connect with this person if I had to? Could I do it? Sometimes I can't get there. But that's the exercise. That's the cheat code. People relax when you can connect the dots for them. And the last layer is credibility. Being real when you don't have the perfect answer. Step one is finding that community. I've shared on the show before, men's work has been one of those areas that I've explored, talking about those difficult emotions, talking about those deeper questions, not necessarily pursuing answers, but looking for commonality in what other people around me are pursuing And now as I moved into fatherhood, I'm looking specifically for that advice from other fathers because it's a whole new world, a new chapter in my life.

10:22And then on top of it, I think a lot of times when, you know, you're in a coaching role, you're put on a pedestal. It's very easy to not share the messy parts and to not showcase what's going on. But I think both of us, John and I, are very open with our clients on the areas we're working on, where we're seeking coaching and where we're looking to be pushed to help us get more out of ourselves. I think that's a big part of what we share in the lessons that we do. And of course, in our coaching community is a big part of it. And I think that's one of the great parts that when members join, they recognize, okay, I'm not alone in having these social skills, confidence issues, or I'm not alone in lacking the relationships in my life that I really want, or I'm not alone in feeling that I've gotten ahead in my career, but I don't actually feel internally that I've found the success that everyone sees in me.

11:09Absolutely. Absolutely. And Johnny, I'm curious to hear for you too. If I understood the question correctly, when I get asked questions that I don't have the answer to, I'm very honest about it. I don't have the answers to that. And when people ask me how do I deal with that, it's the same advice, which is I turn to my values and I begin producing. production through my values. It is either the escape that I don't have to deal with the uncertainty or there's just comfort in being able to create in the moment through things that I, that I love. And those things that I love, I'm also a philosophy junkie massively.

11:54So Schopenhauer is one of my favorites and it just continues to get deeper. If once you open those books, there's no stopping. And so, but all of those books, at least the philosophers that I enjoy who give me the most out of it, it is that those values and being able to create sort of put everything else together. You know, if you want to find purpose, start creating, start doing things that other people can consume. And those creations create answers for other people. You taking action creates answers for other people. I can sit here and allow those questions to gnaw at me all day long, but that doesn't help me at all.

12:46So it's production. I'm just going to get up and I'm going to start doing stuff. I'm either going to start creating content or I'm going to start playing my guitar and writing songs. I got albums, multiple albums worth of material that I love, that I would love to see come to fruition. The songwriting part is the part that I have access to. That's the buttons that I can push. Getting into a studio and all of that other stuff, that's a learning process that takes a lot of time. And right now, that's not the season for me to do that. That's it for theme one. In one sentence, stop trying to be interesting.

13:21Get accurate about what's happening for the other person. Next, how to move from nice chat to real connection without forcing depth. Most people think deep conversation starts with the perfect question. It usually starts with activation energy, the first brave move that changes the temperature in the room. Adam Dorsey breaks down big talk and how to actually use it. One of the ways that we can identify a good connection point for ourselves is often looking at something that we absolutely love but gave up. Like for some people, it's bringing that old dusty guitar out of the attic and saying, you know what, instead of just doom scrolling over the weekend, I'm going to work on playing guitar.

14:04Maybe, in fact, I'm going to become a flamenco guitarist because that would be super rad. um exhuming something from its dusty crypt that we know we have a good track record with that for some reason we gave up that's probably the first pile of things to look at the second is trying new things all the time i mean the idea of try it you might like it which all of our moms told us when we were kids is true uh sometimes it's a dud but it doesn't hurt to try new things to try to expand and see, is this true for me here? I did improv for two years. I was terrified of doing improv. I thought you had to be funny.

14:42And I was very quickly disabused of that idea. It turns out you have to be in the moment and go with whatever is thrown your way. And if I hadn't had the prodding of my buddy Paul to do it, I wouldn't have done it. And I can tell you without a question, it has informed my life. It's made me a better father. It's made me a better psychologist. just it's informed my presentations has been it's informing me now dancing with your questions AJ what I think is so interesting about that is so often the things that we need the most are the things that we internally fight against and yet others can see hey take the leap jump into that improv class even if you're feeling internally like oh my god I'm not funny I'm not going to know what to say people are going to look at me weird they're not going to laugh at my jokes and then coming out the other side, it's so informative to go through that experience of facing that inner turmoil or doubt about yourself, going through the experience with others, enjoying it and then recognizing, wow, I can do podcasts now and I can get on stage and I can nail that job interview.

15:44Exactly. I mean, imposter syndrome follows us through all of these things. And at some point when you do it enough and you feel good enough about it, it's like, oh yes, I am a podcaster. oftentimes imposter syndrome companies people who are really good at doing a thing oftentimes it accompanies somebody who's learning and feels like oh my gosh who am I kidding I mean I'm guessing that John has had that experience when he was a burgeoning guitarist I'm guessing there was a time when you were playing a song in a band you're like who am I kidding like this isn't for real and then it became real after a certain number of reps it's like oh and at some point you know as you were ascending your learning curve.

16:24It was just like, I could do this in my sleep. I'll do this anytime, anywhere without thinking. The interesting thing with improv, and this is why we have used it in all of our trainings, because we deal with highly analytical professionals. So the things that they're coming for us to get help with is to be more in the moment, to be able to hone in on the emotional and contextual pieces of the conversations so that they can carry it a lot more and make those connections. And the minute you bring up improv, they all freeze in fright because all of their fears are in that art form. But with that and all of the prodding that we do to get them through it, they all experience such great growth and understanding of the tools that they're working on and how to get better at them in that practice.

17:26It's remarkable. Totally. What's funny, John, is I work with highly successful men of Silicon Valley. And when they show up, they're often super well-educated. They've ascended the ladder. They're at the C-suite. And when I ask them a simple question of what do you want, they're so used to doing things according to the coach on the sideline. The coach on the sideline could be their parents. It could be their peers. It could be anybody that they don't have an answer. I have no idea what I want. And that's not something that they've really given much thought to. What do I want? It kind of gets lost in the shuffle between raising children, trying to kick ass at work.

18:07All of those things come to the fore and they have absolutely conditioned themselves to not even know what they want. Now, what's interesting to me is that hearing who you work with and going through the book and recognizing all these amazing people that have been next to you in your office talking through these issues, outside looking in, we see them as incredibly successful. We see them as connected. We admire them. We look up to them. And yet so many of them struggle with disconnection. What's going on and why is the pursuit of society's view of success often lead us down a path of disconnection?

18:40In the book, I refer to them as distractors. We are in possession of these brains that are only here for our survival and energy conservation. We don't really think about much else. This idea called connection. Yeah, I have thousands of connections on LinkedIn. Is that what connection really means when people talk about connection? Connection keeps showing up in the zeitgeist. They might have connections with people. They might be able to get you a meeting with so and so and it really, really hallowed ground. but are they connected with themselves in a deep way? Are they able to look at their lives and say, wow, this is authentically me.

19:18Rather, it's almost like a song that was created by a corporation rather than the song that you wrote from the bottom of your heart in your basement. Like that's what I'm looking for, for people to live their lives. Sometimes you have to play the corporate song, that's fine. But not at the expense of playing the song that you've written, that is entirely true. We need some context for that. And those outside successes are so fleeting in their long-term value to us. Yes. So I was working with a client recently who had a major exit and it was seminal in his life. But immediately after the exit, he started getting invited to parties with billionaires and people who want to invest in the next thing.

19:59And he was coming to me saying, I'm in this room and I feel shame, embarrassment. I don't feel that I'm successful. I don't feel that that exit is even valuable because I'm not working on anything right now. I don't know what the next thing is. I don't even know what I want. That facing that self-doubt and then feeling everyone in the room is now judging him around it. And then when you share with him, well, everyone in the room is feeling that exact same thing as outwardly successful as they look. It really is mind-warping when so many of us are striving for those outward successes, those moments, those exits, those peers patting us on the back, the promotions, the title.

20:37But as we know, after 24 hours, 48 hours, you change your LinkedIn post, the press release goes out. And are you really feeling successful? There's an emptiness that follows that many of us aren't ready for because we're so disconnected. 100%. So when we wake up in the morning, we are chasing our why. And each of us has a different why. And for many of us, it's to make a particular number. So we get up, we take the shower, we get ready for work. and we are thinking almost like Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, that has become inextricably connected to our sense of meaning. And it's the wrong thing.

21:18On our deathbeds, we're not gonna look back and say, somebody bring me all my awards. Somebody bring me my bank statements to show me how much I kicked ass. What we want at the end of life is knowing that we lived while we were alive, that we loved and that we gave love. One of the biggest regrets people experience on their deathbed is love left on the table. The other one you probably know about is chances not taken, but those are the two bigs. And if we live with the end game in mind of like, how much love can I give and receive? How many chances can I take that are meaningful chances? And how much can I stretch?

21:55I mean, a hallmark of psychological well-being is something called cognitive flexibility, which runs opposite to cognitive rigidity. What happens to us after we turn, let's say, 35? Most of us are pretty much cooked. Our learning curve is going to just drop significantly. I am who I am. I've got the haircut I've got. I've got the style of clothes that I got. I listen to the music that I listen to. I read the types of books and see the types of news on TV and shows themselves. I stick within a genre. Whereas we've got another option. My father, and I will toot his horn because he's amazing. He's 85 years old.

22:33He hadn't played the piano since he was nine years old. He started playing in his 80s. Upon retirement from work, he was very blessed. He got to retire at 59. He said to me, how do I learn Spanish? Because he knew I know how to learn Spanish and speak a couple languages. And I told him how, and he's got no ear for language. One of the things I told him, hire Senor Davis, my high school Spanish teacher. He will teach you every week and your Spanish will rock. Now, his Spanish is intelligible. It's not gorgeous. But after 26 years of weekly practice, his Spanish is decent and decent enough to work.

23:11He's hitting it hard. He's not giving up. One of the things that we need to do is constantly hit it and learn more about what our maximums are in various areas. We don't have to compare ourselves to other people. Try this tonight. one honest sentence that raises the stakes, then shut up and listen. Because once the conversation gets real, the next skill is influence. How to guide things without pressure. If you try to persuade someone who feels threatened, you lose them. Influence starts with regulation. Yours first, then the room's. Abby Mourinho puts language on that. We use a lot of tactics like scarcity and tactics of, you know, you have very limited time or if you don't do this something negative is going to happen and that creates a negative psychological effect and that is related to social engineering and that's what we think about so I know if I'm going to try and push people to use it ethically you kind of have to change the term sometimes because we get so locked in on the idea of this is what it means so I was like okay let me move away from just social engineering because that has the manipulation kind of tag to it and let's make it fully pro-social.

24:24So you're influencing just positive emotions and you're moving away from the negative side. And I think pro-social takes your reputation into account. So it's always easier to manipulate and trick someone or scam someone. But what happens to your reputation if you're known as the scammer? You're certainly not pro-social. Yeah. And that is such an important point because I was doing an interview recently about the influence tactics I use and was saying that these other negative tactics don't really work. And he said, well, no, they work amazingly. And I said, well, let me clarify. They don't work long term.

25:00So if you want an influence approach once, you want to make that sale and you are just focused on that one sale, my tactics are not necessarily for you. You're going to be thinking, OK, how do I get this one deal? If you want long term influence, if you want to not just create a sale, but you want to create a partnership, or you want to create a positive reputation you want long-standing influence this is where the positive tactics are so important that's why reputation is so important so yeah absolutely creating scarcity and creating anger and fear will work for that one attempt you might get your car sales or you might make that business deal but what about that relationship and now if they feel hard done by, you're going to be losing business because they're going to go and tell people how they feel.

25:52They're not going to come back. Their friends aren't going to come back. I want to teach the influence that is making you an influential person, a person that people want to work with, not just end up working with because they feel like they should. And here's why threat kills influence at the biological level. The neuron needs to pass on a signal and then recharge to then bring it back because it's a two-way process. Go get the information and give it to me. If there's too much cortisol, it can't recharge. So it can't actually get the information back. So when you're being really aggressive and you're saying, give me this, give me this, you're triggering that survival drive, increasing cortisol.

26:35And you're actually biologically reducing their ability to give you information. and that basic understanding is so important in any situation where it's a negotiation an interview an interrogation of if you press too hard you're creating a biological issue that they can't now access the information you want so with that in mind we then take principle number two that we're a social species so what approaches are going to be more effective well given we're designed to be social or we've evolved to be social, building rapport, building trust, creating cooperation via that rapport building is going to be much more effective.

27:22And then there are three other principles that kind of build on those two. And one is that we are our brains. If I said to you, would you prefer to have a brain transplant, keep your body, have someone else's brain or keep your brain have someone else's body most people would say of course my brain because we are our brains so if we want to influence people having just a basic understanding of neural processes and how the brain works is really important and then principle number four is the mind body feedback loop the fact that we are both biological and psychological in nature um so one influences the other for example there was a an amazing study and i love this study that had um two yogurts and one was labeled full fat one was labeled low fat same yogurt and there's a hormone in our guts called ghrelin that tells us when we're full it's released and says hey you know stop eating they had both yogurts ghrelin was released faster when they drank the yogurt that said full fat because we expected it to be so the thought changed the biology and now of course our biology the way our brain works our cortisol our hormones serotonin all of these things that are biological they change how we think so one influences the other so if you change someone's environment you can change their thinking if you change their thinking you can change how they interact with the environment so that understanding is really important for influence too.

28:57And then the final one is where that 1.1 % comes in, self-identity. The self-identity refers to the way we perceive ourselves to be, our characteristics, qualities, beliefs that define who we are. And we like to believe that the way we see ourself reflects our true nature. And we are motivated to preserve that nature. So if you're trying to influence someone with that understanding think about who is that person what matters to that person how do they see themselves because if you're trying to influence them in a way that can't makes them contradict their self-image they're not going to do it like if i'm someone who is very stoic i'm going to see being emotionally restrained as a sign of strength if i'm someone who is very vulnerable, I'm going to see openness and transparency as a sign of strength.