The Secret Purpose of Small Talk (and How to Use It to Build Instant Connection) [Social Intelligence Brief]

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1:11It's about triggering connections in seconds. And master this one skill that's often overlooked in small talk and watch your influence skyrocket. it.

1:28Everyone thinks they're good at small talk, but in actuality, they're not. In fact, many of our clients hate it and try to avoid it entirely, not because they can't talk about the weather or the event, but it's because they really misunderstand the real point of small talk. Small talk isn't about the conversation flow. It's about emotional connection and how you You can trigger that fast in a very short amount of time in conversation with someone new. Now, once you understand this real purpose, small talk actually becomes your secret weapon to creating relationships quickly and drawing people in.

2:04AJ, I don't even like to use the word small talk because people have such negative connotations to it, especially when teaching it. And if you've already declared that you hate it, it's now a part of your identity. So for the sake of this episode and for you to get something useful and something that you can use and that will change the way you look at small talk and engage in people, I am going to ask you to suspend all of your hate and all of your thoughts towards it and look at it with open and fresh eyes as we go through this. And as I mentioned, after this episode, you could still hate small talk if you want.

2:52For myself, I don't think of small talk other than its conversation and what we are going to direct it for and how we're going to use it. So let's dive into it. And here's what the masters of small talk understand. They understand its secret purpose, which is generating emotional connections quickly. Now, most people treat small talk like a checklist. We've heard the acronym for ask about work, comment about the event, mention the weather. And then they complete this social transaction and try to move on quickly. And of course, it's boring. It's forced. It doesn't actually create anything that's memorable.

3:32Oftentimes, it makes you completely unforgettable. But high value connectors do something completely different. They treat small talk like an emotional diagnostic, meaning they hear what people care about, not what they say. So if you're getting hung up on, but I don't want to talk about the weather, I don't want to talk about the job, I don't want to talk about the event, you're missing the secret purpose of small talk. Your unconscious brain is wired to seek emotional validation. We want people to see us, to hear us, and to understand us. And if you can generate this in a short amount of time in small talk, you actually become unforgettable.

4:12You become the person that people are chasing. You have to understand that throughout your day, you're in various states of consciousness. And you are hardwired to conserve energy. So for most of your day, you are going from routine to routine without activating a hardcore consciousness of what you're doing. You're not making decisions. You're kind of sleepwalking. You're doing the things that you do every day. And that's why we gravitate towards routine and habits. even when you go to a social function you may be in a heightened emotional state because it's novel you may be in a conscious state to socialize however i'm sure everybody can think about going to social settings social outings where they don't remember anything remarkable that has happened that is because everything stayed the same.

5:25Everything was even kill. You did not have to activate your brain into a heightened conscious state to interact with anybody. Everything was on par. That means that nothing stood out. So when it comes to conversation, if you are not triggering people into a heightened conscious state, they're not going to remember the conversation, you're not creating moments. You're not challenging assumptions. You're not elevating conversation. You're keeping it even kill. And the point of these emotional bids is to show you how to activate somebody's conscious brain rather fast, creating that connection and building rapport.

6:10And I remember the first time I witnessed this. So we had been teaching this emotional bids a concept based on Dr. John Gottman's work in our boot camps in a romantic setting. So how to have great first dates and how to turn those dates into relationships. And I was really curious, how does this work in conversations professionally? How does this work in conversations socially? And we were invited to an event in D.C. about 17 years ago, pretty early on in our company's history. And I was feeling very insecure going to this event that I can't keep up with these tech moguls and these entrepreneurs and even former presidents who were attending this event.

6:46I didn't have stories. I didn't have the success that they had. So I really didn't want to talk about myself. I was very concerned about where the conversations would go if I couldn't keep up with them. And I was like, let me just test this emotional bid concept in the small talk that I'm going to be having in this event in DC. And as I was going through the basics of small talk that we all know and some of us hate, I remember focusing on the emotion and really searching for that emotional bid as early as possible in the conversation. And one of the first conversations I had was in this speed date style networking situation.

7:20And I recognized the emotional bid. I turned towards it just as Dr. John Gottman teaches. And the conversation just lit up. It was an incredible conversation. The timer ran out. They asked us to move on to our next partner. We didn't want to stop the conversation. And then, of course, as the event went on over the weekend, this guy that I talked to kept coming up to me at various events and functions and continuing the conversation. He then invited me to hang out in L.A. and we became really close friends, all because of this one shift that I made in small talk. And that's why I'm so excited to share it today, because if you can make this shift, it will open so many doors of opportunity and create that instant influence that you're looking for.

8:02Now, psychologist Dr. John Gottman introduced the concept of emotional bids as any attempt to connect emotionally. So as Johnny was saying, we're not listening for facts and data here. In order to really shift someone out of their routine and out of their unconscious into their conscious brain, we have to be recognizing and validating emotions. So in small talk, bids can sound like I'm from Chicago, but you wanna explore that because actually what that means is I grew up on the South Side before it was trendy. What are we talking about here? We're shifting away from just getting that basic information to digging a level deeper into something that's really meaningful about growing up in Chicago.

8:41Or it might be, hey, nice weather today. Actually becomes, it's actually perfect weather for my daughter's soccer game. The emotional bid there is how much he cares about his daughter or how excited they are to go watch the soccer match. So we are shifting from very basic, boring, small talk into something deeper that creates that emotional connection. Or it might be I work in finance, which actually means I help families retire with dignity. And I grew up from a poor family. So it's really been exciting to break free from my money story and help others. So we're recognizing that, yeah, small talk can be very surface level.

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11:54This is all about learning about the other person. And we've done many episodes on open-ended questions and the five levels of listening and how to use those questions to get all of the information that you need. The reason why it is done in small talk is because people are open yet. They don't want to be rude. They're engaging. And so they're just chatting along. They're going to be very accommodating to those questions, especially when they move into a heightened emotional state, which meeting somebody new will do. Now, you're not alone. A lot of people just get hung up on the facts that are being exchanged and they miss the feelings.

12:41In fact, most people miss them entirely and they just respond with more facts. Oh, finance, what type of finance? Oh, Chicago. Yeah, I've been to see a Cubs game. Oh, soccer. Yeah, I played that growing up. They're not recognizing that taking that simple answer a level deeper and searching for the emotional context is really key here. Now, research shows that you have three ways to respond to an emotional bid. You can turn away from it, which is ignoring it or changing the subject completely, making it about yourself, which many of us find ourselves doing in small talk when we get nervous, you can turn against it.

13:17You can criticize it, dismiss it, or even joke about it. Or you could turn toward it, which is acknowledge and emotionally validate it. And what's great is Gottman's research on couples showed that people who consistently turn towards emotional bids stay together longer, trust each other more, and ultimately feel closer in that relationship. And in professional settings, the same thing holds true. Turning towards emotional bids builds trust fast, increases your respect for one another, and ultimately grows your influence. Because validation equals likability. And likability is a career multiplier, as we've discussed so many times on the show.

13:57So understanding that even at these boring events where you might feel that you don't want to talk about these things, small talk is the key to creating that conversation. that has impact, that creates opportunity in your life. And when you respond by turning towards those bids, you are actually validating the other person. And they love that. They want more of that. We as humans crave that. I want to just give our audience a visual here to help them just get a greater understanding of how responding to these bids create more bids, right? So think about if you've ever played the tin can phone game as a kid where you take two tin cans, you spread it across the yard and you have a string tying them together.

14:49And that string is vibrating and it's carrying those sound waves. Every time that you turn towards a bid, identifying and validating it, you are expanding the lines of communication, which means you're going to get more bids, more opportunity, more vulnerability to connect. This is your palette of creating rapport for you people who are in the sales. This is what you're trying to do on that phone. This is what you're trying to do in that relationship. Get more information so that you can sell folks. And when it comes to romantic relationships, the larger, more expanded those lines of communication, the better the relationship is.

15:44If you turn against or turn away from identifying and validating emotional bids, those lines of communication constrict. You're not going to get many bids. The relationship turns cold and now contempt begins to be built. If you're in sales and you're not getting the bids, you're not getting the information, then you can't make your pitch. If this is a relationship, you're getting froze out. Good luck getting those lines of communication to be opened back up because you've already neglected the bids that have come to you previously. So this is why as a skill, it's important to practice identifying and validating emotional bids.

16:34And this reminds me of our client, Sheldon, who joined the X Factor Accelerator, really frustrated with himself going to a lot of industry events to represent his company and having all these opportunities to meet people that he looked up to, potential mentors, and even his colleagues that were from all over the world who are coming to these events. And he often found himself avoiding small talk, standing on the sidelines, and then on the flight home, kicking himself, wondering why didn't he just say something when that person he looked up to had just gotten off stage giving a talk. So he joined the program.

17:05And the first thing that we talk about inside of X Factor Accelerator is this exact concept because it's so impactful on every relationship in your life. And after that first implementation session, he was fortunate enough to be on his way to another event. And he came back from the event and shared with us just the impact of making this slight tweak by turning towards an emotional bit. So he saw someone that he really looked up to had just come off stage after presenting at this conference. And in the past, he would have thought of something to say, trying to come up with something witty and ultimately said nothing.

17:38Instead, he focused on looking for the emotion in the conversation, opened up with small talk, and sure enough, ended up having a great conversation that led to an email exchange and how he's actually in touch with someone he looks up to. And that's the power of recognizing and turning towards these emotional bids. So here's our three step formula for doing this. Step one is we actually have to listen for the bid. So as I said, So many of us, especially if we're super analytical, focus on the facts and we're trying to find those connections around facts. We've also heard time and time again, just be interested in other people to be more interesting.

18:17But we need to be interested in their emotional state. So what's the emotion that's being shared beyond the words? And then step two, we need to label that emotion by using reflective labeling. That must have been exciting growing up in Chicago. I grew up in a small town. Oh, sounds like you were really proud of that experience. Sounds like you're really proud of your daughter playing soccer. Wow, sounds like that actually meant a lot to you. Or, oh, that sounds extremely frustrating. Now, what you're doing is you're labeling the emotion that was shared in their response to your small talk. That shifts the conversation immensely.

18:57The third step is really important because we don't want to change the subject. We don't want to turn away from the bid. We want to lean in and deepen that thread. So by saying, tell me more about that or what made that stand out to you, this takes the conversation from transactional data exchange to transformational and actually triggers their conscious mind and their unconscious mind to really tune in to what happens next. Once they're in a heightened emotional state, they are feeling good. They are going to chase the feel good feelings. Who made them feel good? You did. So they're going to follow where you take the conversation.

19:41And as AJ said, you're taking it from a transactional exchange into something that's transformational. Here is your opportunity to challenge their assumptions, to create those movie magic moments that imprint in our minds that remember for days long after the conversation ends, an opportunity to elevate the conversation from small talk to smart talk, the place that everybody tries to get to. When people say they hate small talk, they're like, oh, I hate all that transactional stuff. I want to get to the good stuff. Well, this creates it. So now you have them in the palm of your hand. As a sales guy, you know what to do with this.

20:29In a relationship, you know what to do with this. But we have to get them there first. That's how to do it. And we've all had those moments where someone else did this to us. Think about those incredible conversations that you walked away from being like, wow, that person just gets me. I feel like we've been best friends. I feel like we've known each other forever. Odds are they were validating your emotional bids. They were turning towards them. So the next time you're in small talk at work, at a party, at the gym, listen for the bid, respond to the emotion that's beneath those words that are being shared and then validate it, taking that conversation deeper.

21:10You can try this line. Sounds like that meant a lot to you. I'm really curious what made it so special. Now we're actually honing in on something that's really important to them, validating that emotion of something that meant a lot to them. And what happens next is going to take a conversation to a deeper level that creates that instant connection. Now, most people think the key to great networking is just a better elevator pitch. Well, they're wrong. The real key is when you hear what others actually care about and respond to it, not with wit, not with humor, but actually validation. AJ, this is one of my favorite implementation sessions in the X-Factor Accelerator.

21:52Watching the light bulb go off above people as they begin to learn how to identify these bids and transform them into real conversation. For people, it's like they're discovering conversation gold. It unlocks everything else. So I want to see you guys listening in those implementation sessions with myself. Let's go. And we get it. We're talking to technology more and more, whether you're chatting with ChatGPT, whether you're constantly living on Slack or your email. And unfortunately, there aren't as many opportunities to level up these skills. But these people skills are essential to your success in this new economy.

22:40So we've created the X Factor Accelerator to create that social skills dojo where you can drop in, practice these skills like turning towards emotional bids, get feedback and rapidly improve. So you, like Sheldon, can go to that next event armed with the right strategy to succeed. Now, if you want to master this skill with coaching and feedback, join our 12-week X Factor Accelerator coaching program designed for professionals who want to lead with presence, likability and create lasting influence. You can apply now at unlockyourxfactor.com.

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