The Secret to Owning Any Room

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1:08Welcome back to the Social Intelligence Brief, every Thursday where Johnny and I take a key concept and share with you actionable insights in how you can implement this in your own life. Today, we're going to help you be the highest value person at the network event. This isn't about showing off or name dropping or controlling the conversation. It's about how you carry yourself calmly, cooperatively, and with purpose. Perhaps in the past, you have visions of going out to a networking event, having high hopes, running the room, collecting cards, and everyone remembering your name, only to find yourself sitting at the bar, drinking one too many drinks, checking on your phone multiple times to see if you can rationalize to yourself if it's okay to leave.

1:56Well, don't worry about that because today we got you. And for moving forward, the steps that we're going to unleash in this episode will make you sought after and the highest value guy in the room. Now, research shows that people form lasting impressions of you within that first seven seconds. So today we're going to share with you how to make those impressions count in a busy networking event. And we've had clients come to us saying that they've felt in those moments they've had to try to prove themselves, try to jump in only to have people talk over you, shrink in conflict, or even worse, in a group setting, not have anything to say.

2:35So this episode, we're going to rewire how you think about power, presence, and respect. We're going to break down what it actually means to be high value, the science behind status and likability, and give you three behaviors that instantly upgrade the way people treat you at the next event. Because once you actually learn to signal value, not chase it, you'll never look at influence the same way again. So why does being high value matter? Well, there's a study from the University College of London found that prestige-based status, meaning earned through competence and generosity, builds longer-term influence than dominance-based status.

3:10People want to be around those who elevate them, not those who compete with them. And this for me was a super valuable lesson when I was in grad school. So I was going to lab meetings and there was this MD, PhD student who talked over people, who would finish their sentences, talked about the work that they were doing and explained it in a more thoughtful and intelligent manner than them. And I left those meetings in the very beginning of my career thinking, wow, this guy has so much status. This guy is killing it in his job. Well, fast forward about 10 months later, I'm at the holiday party and we're having a couple drinks and sharing our thoughts on some lab members and come to find out everyone in the lab hated this guy.

3:53And I had no idea. I thought he was killing it because all I saw him do was dominate lab meetings, talking over people, sharing their ideas before they can even get the words out of their mouth. and it made me realize that maybe being the most dominant, outspoken, loudest person in the room wasn't actually how to win influence. And it led me to really wonder, okay, how can I be that high value person that has influence in a professional setting without having to be this braggadocious type of person? And it was really enlightening for me to hear from my lab mates that they had a completely different impression of him than I did very early on in my career.

4:34Now, humans instinctively assess others based on the dual pathway to social status, meaning dominance or prestige. So dominance uses fear, force, control, like my lab mate, being louder, talking down to people, trumping them with the things he was saying in lab versus prestige, which is respectful, knowledgeable, and warm. So high value individuals project prestige-based signals they influence through admiration, not intimidation. And mirror neurons plus emotional contagion means people feel your value before they rationalize it. So to be high value, you are leaving that indelible mark on people in a good way, which leads to more success at the networking event.

5:20So you're going to be leaving the networking event, not only having some exchange of information, but people wanting to follow up with you, people chasing you because you were high value. So how do we do that? Well, Well, socially, that's at the party, the guy who listens fully, compliments others generously and holds eye contact to make sure that the other people know that he's paying attention, that he's actually appreciating them and he's accepting this person. At The Earth of Charm, we believe value is defined by attention, acceptance and appreciation. And when you can manage your attention towards others, you can accept other people for who they are, allowing mistakes to happen and not judging them.

6:02And you can appreciate them and share the things you like about them by complimenting them and highlighting them and elevating them. You are giving value instead of taking value, which naturally makes you high value. You don't have to prove your value. In fact, when you radiate it by your behavior, people assume you're high value instead of you demonstrating it. The only thing I want to add to that, AJ, is just, you know, the things that get us a lot of attention and admiration and follows online. Some, there's some overlapping in real life, but here's the thing that I just want to, I want everyone to remember, which is you mentioned earlier that this is all about how you make other people feel.

6:48Right. People are not going to remember what you say. they remember how you make them feel. So if you make them feel good, well, they're going to want more of that. They're going to find ways to be around you. If you make them uncomfortable, you make them work, you make their interactions stressful, they're going to push you away. Now, those things online could have the opposite effect because it's causing drama. There's no consequences. So it attracts excitement, but it doesn't work like that in the world. And that's what we're trying to flip and get you guys listening to this to have an understanding of how that works so that you can be successful with the right strategies at the networking event.

7:37I want everyone to understand at a networking event that it's already full of anxiety. people already have anxiety they have expectations they want to meet they've told people they were going to be there there's a there's a lot that goes on on a networking event outside rather than you know just the night out with your friends and there's there's pressure on you right this is like remember aj back in the day when we would go to a lot of uh singles events when we were young and wilder in these larger cities. And we quickly learned that those were the worst places to meet people because of all of the anxiety, the tension and pressure that was on those events.

8:24Well, network events are much the same. There's a lot going on. So what we want to do is be the calm presence. We don't want to be bringing anxiety to the anxiety party. There's going to be plenty. So we are going to get noticed and be memorable by not doing what everybody else is doing and then also managing the pressures that are already there that other people get swept up in. And calm is a power move. Yes. In neuroscience, calm tones regulate the amygdala, helping others feel calm around you and safe. And that's going to lead to them staying in conversation, asking more about you, taking more interest in you.

9:06Unfortunately, we don't realize oftentimes, and we see this in our clients all the time in video work, that that anxiety, that tension, that pressure that you're feeling will lead to fidgeting, will lead to moving around, will lead to you withdrawing, crossing your arms. and body language signals that are off-putting to others. So you might think, oh, I'm managing my anxiety, but oftentimes your body language is betraying you managing that anxiety. So how do we actually start to get calm in these situations, Johnny? If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. That's Mint Mobile's whole thing.

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11:31Go to quince.com slash charm for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash charm. Free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash charm. There's only one way to do that, and that's exposure therapy. And what that does is it just gets you acclimated to that anxiety. But here's the twist, and I want you guys to think about this. If you go and feel anxiety, feel the tension and pressure, the more you fight it, the more it's going to force you to fidget, move around and, and explode. All right. So the exposure is an opportunity for your body to get acclimated to all of that.

12:22So you let it wash over you because it's a game of tug of war. If I end up playing tug of war with anxiety, it's going to win. It's going to fight back. But if I let go of the rope, there's no battle and I win. Right. So I'm going to I'm just going to let it wash over me And I'm going to let it wash over me until I become comfortable because comfort will equal confidence. That's why confident people look confident because they're comfortable where they're at because they've been there before or they're pretending that they've been there before and they're doing an incredible job. And this is why we do this video work, because the the the tweaks and the fidgets and the things that come out under tension and pressure are subconscious.

13:13You don't know that you're doing these things. And those those fidgets and tweaks can be very offensive. Not that they make people mad. They just make other people around you uncomfortable because it's making them fidget. So it's about getting that acclimation, having an understanding of your extremities and when you're in a heightened emotional state and they begin to fidget so you could put extra attention on that. And I have a poem that I wrote from an author's Schopenhauer quote, and I write these little poems because they stick in your head. In moments of unexpected stress, the untrained body reveals what it tries to conceal.

14:00So don't wait to practice the gestures that show you keep it real. Now, here's what's so great about the practice, because we work with a lot of clients who do biz dev and have maybe two, three big conferences a year that they're expected to go to run the room, make all these conversations turn into actual relationships in business. And those are high stakes moments. Millions of dollars are on the line in those in-person interactions. So you might be saying, well, how am I going to practice this, AJ? Like, I only have a couple of these a year. Well, are you finding other moments that create similar tension and pressure on yourself to manage the anxiety that comes up?

14:37Maybe it's public speaking in Toastmasters. Maybe it's going to random meetup.coms where it's a complete room of strangers and you just have to relate to them in the moment. If you are finding opportunities to practice, get exposure to those moments where the eyeballs and tension and pressure on you create the anxiety, you're gonna start to get more comfortable in those anxious moments of the conference, of the networking event, when the business development really matters. But you have to seek that discomfort in those opportunities to practice outside of those events to master those key moments in high-stakes situations.

15:12And it reminds me of our client, Aaron. So Aaron worked in a tech space that only had one annual conference a year. And in that conference, he was expected to win business for his company. And of course, starting out in your career, you don't really think that that's going to be your job. You think, okay, I just have to get competent. I have to build the technical expertise. But unfortunately, moving into leadership, you got to win business and you got to win it big in these key moments. So when he joined the program, we were putting him through the unstoppable comfort zone challenges. Now, these were simple moments where he could go out in public, do things that created discomfort for him, meaning eyes are on him, strangers are staring at him.

15:53And in that moment, He had to let the nerves, the anxiety wash over him, as Johnny said, not fight with it, not tug of war with it. And I remember him joining the first session after doing his first comfort zone challenge. And he talked about how he spent 35 minutes just walking around the outside of the target before going in to do the first challenge because he was just trying to work through the nerves and the anxiety that he was feeling. But after finishing the challenge, and it was a simple one, it was walk down the aisle with your arms up, a crowded aisle full of people where, you know, people are going to be staring at you.

16:27He felt invigorated. He was so excited that he confronted that anxiety that he was facing. Now, fast forward through 12 of these challenges, and he joined a coaching session about seven months later after his huge conference, and his boss could not stop talking about him for the week after because they landed two of their largest clients that year. And people were saying that they remembered him specifically from the event as leading to the business. So that's the key with understanding exposure therapy. When you're working through these comfort zone challenges where you're stretching your comfort zone in moments where the stakes are lower, but you're still feeling the tension and pressure, you could perform when the stakes are their highest.

17:09Everyone who goes through it, once they do the first comfort zone challenge and they're like, that wasn't so bad, but also realize how much better they are for having doing it, they look for higher and higher stakes, right? It becomes a game for them. So that's what's fun about it. Now, the second trait that high value people exude is cooperativity. High value people elevate others. They're looking for ways to give them value. From cooperative communication theory, how we frame others actually determines how they respond to us. So when you're elevating people around you by giving them compliments, by calling out their strengths, by letting them know what you appreciate, they actually appreciate you more.

17:53This might be counterintuitive when we're in those environments where we feel like we have to compete to win value, where we feel like we really have to show our best self. You show up as high value when you elevate those around you. And this is exactly what we practice in our social intelligence implementation sessions, right, Johnny? There is many different ways to communicate and build people up. So that's what we spend a lot of our time on. Part of that is also being a better listener, right? Because what you're listening for is the emotions behind everything that they're saying. And here's the secret about that.

18:33And Maybe we will do a special episode about this later. But behind those emotions are core values and a worldview that causes those emotions. So you get points for picking up and discussing and validating those emotions. And then you get even more points for looking behind the curtain to see if those emotions are attached to some worldview or core values that you can relate to. So that's just one of the many different ways to do that. We also have what we call appreciative statements, which are just their deeper trait compliments. So this is in passing that you can tell, let somebody know it's, Hey, I, you have this great shirt on, right?

19:30But if I compliment the shirt, it's surface level, but letting them know, I appreciate your aesthetics or I appreciate your style. So this says something about the person, not the superficial shirt that they're wearing. This gets them thinking, wow, this person sees something in me. This builds them up. Remember, we're in a high anxiety area, a high anxiety context. So everything that you do to build this person up allows them to feel better in a situation that is making them feel bad. So this sets you apart from all of the other stimuli in the place. And now you're becoming memorable. Now you become the person who is giving the good vibes in a place where I need good vibes.

20:20Now, you can do this when you've been put on the spot. And this is actually a fun strategy. Maybe you weren't following along in the group conversation, or maybe you don't know too much about the topic at hand. So you feel a little unsure of actually sharing your opinion. And if you get called on, hey, what are your thoughts? You can go, hey, Sarah, you ask such great questions. You mind weighing in here? You can deflect and elevate someone else into that role that allows you to breathe a bit of a sigh of relief and elevate the person next to you. And they will share that insightful thought, opinion, or question to keep the conversation moving.

20:56So in those moments where you might feel flat footed, complimenting and calling out someone else in an appreciative way to get them involved in the conversation is high value and protects you when you don't know how to follow along or maybe you're stumbling over your own words. The other thing that's great about this is having an opportunity to practice these in a safe environment and making them part of your conversational repertoire. Once they're implemented and they're instilled, they just become how you talk. They automatically come out. You don't have to think about it in the moment of a high pressure, high anxiety filled context, which you're not going to do.

21:36Now, let's talk about the third trait, which is so important. They own the room without saying a word. So you have to recognize that your body language carries far more weight in these environments than you might even realize. Meaning you often will join a conversation with body language before you've opened your mouth. When you walk in that room, when you join that group circle, when you walk up to that person at the booth, they're looking at your body language way before they hear any words come out of your mouth. Keep your phone in your pocket. Do not continue to pull it out. And here's the thing.

22:11Yes, you can pull it out to exchange information and all those things. But I want you to understand that your phone or your Apple Watch that's buzzing on your wrist, this is pulling you out of being present every time those things go off. Every time you pull it out, you're now your phone slave and not present in the situation. It is stealing your focus and your efforts. So you think about it this way. You took a shower, you made arrangements, you get dressed, you eat something, and you take and you go to this event. Well, it's all for nothing if you're pulling out your phone in the middle of it.

22:49That phone, I'm going to say it again, is stealing from you. It's stealing your focus and your efforts. So something else that could help you here is, you know, find yourself a high traffic area and slightly exaggerate the the the emotional and fun, joy, enjoyable indicators. So your smile, your laughter, your movements of engaging, you're in a public spot. So if those are slightly exaggerated, everyone is wired to find people who are happy, enjoying themselves. And all of a sudden, they see you smiling, laughing, carrying on, chatting with people, everyone around you, because you are building them up or laughing and smiling and carrying on.

23:32So again, this sets you apart from everybody else and how people are coming towards you. Let them come to you. Conserve your energy. And it can often be hard to channel this energy in the environment. So I highly recommend as you're walking with your Starbucks into the event, make eye contact and start smiling at people after they make eye contact back. Warm up your energy before you even enter the room. and that body language is gonna carry the signals that you're open, you're high value and people are gonna be drawn to you. If you wait in the moment, the critical moment of going to that booth or going to that group that you've been meaning to talk to to then turn it on, it's gonna be far more difficult because these body language signals are being picked up before you join the conversation.

24:19Yes, they are. So paying close attention to how you enter the room is key here. So here's this week's challenge. At your next event, I want you to try this. Be the calmest presence. Breathe slower, speak less, and let the room adjust to you. Number two, offer one specific genuine compliment. Not you're great or I love your shirt, but tell them why. Tell them what about their personality you really enjoy. And the last one is watch your body. Understand that shoulders down, smiling when it matters, and radiating stillness and comfort in these moments are absolutely key. High value is not something that you shout.

25:06It's something that people feel and remember. In the moments of unexpected stress, the untrained body reveals what it tries to conceal. Don't wait to practice the gestures that show you keep it real. so in the end these steps will get you incredibly far so as i mentioned in the poem above don't wait to put these steps in practice it's not going to be organic so any opportunity that you have to allow the atmosphere to wash over you to practice these skills the more natural you're going to look and the more comfortable it'll all be and the more people will gravitate towards you. And that's exactly why we do the weekly implementation sessions in the social intelligence program because we want to give you those opportunities, raising the stakes a bit, tension and pressure is there, but also a safe environment for you to learn and practice these skills so that when that high stakes networking event or conference comes up on the calendar where you're expected to win big for your role in your company, you can muster exactly what we talked about here and be the high value person.

26:22Check out our social intelligence program, theartofcharm.com slash intel for more information. And of course, let us know how the challenge went for you this week.

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