Transform Low-Value Behaviors into High-Value Habits | Toolbox

0:28You know why you're tired all the time? talking or even using my camera. Stuff is built to intake information quickly in whatever form you think in and turn it into actionable tasks right away. Lists and stuff are built like completable projects. So that book you want to write, that business you want to start, or that trip you want to plan starts to take form inside stuff, step by step. The magic is it gets exponentially more powerful the more you feed into it. Download stuff today. Start brain dumping and organizing your tasks and feel the freedom of an uncluttered brain. Download stuff for free today by going to trystuff.app.

1:04That's T-R-Y-S-T-U-F-F dot A-P-P. Or simply by searching stuff, S-T-U-F-F in the app store and to enjoy everything stuff has to offer. You can get 50 % off your first year of extra stuff by using code charm at checkout. Get stuff done and start closing your open loops. Download stuff from the App Store today. Holiday season. Travel, gifts, hosting. It's easy to lose sight of your money this time of year. I saw all the travel and gift expenses adding up and it was a wake-up call. Made me stop and adjust my spending before the credit card bill arrived. If you want to keep your finances under control this holiday season, you need to be using Monarch.

1:44Rated Wall Street Journal's best budgeting app of 2025, Monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one clean interface on your laptop or your phone. And right now, just for our listeners, Monarch is offering 50 % off your first year. I'm checking my holiday spending category to make sure I don't start the new year with a debt hangover. You can link everything, investments, 401ks, property value, get your true net worth and stay on top of your year-end priorities. Monarch does the heavy lifting. Link all of your accounts in minutes, clear data visuals, smart categorization.

2:18You'll never touch another spreadsheet again. Don't let financial opportunities slip through the cracks. Use code charm at monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code charm. If I had asked you to walk into a bar and ask 50 people this evening to please like me, how would you feel about that? You'd feel pretty bad about yourself. You'd feel after the first couple that I don't want to do this anymore. Sure. And I don't think anybody out there listening to this would want to have to do that as a mission. That's terrifying. But here's the thing of it.

2:51If you wouldn't want to verbally say that to somebody, then why would you allow your behaviors and actions to say that for you if those things speak louder than words?

3:20and relationships. We distill thousands of hours of research in the most effective tools and the latest science so you can start winning today. Let's face it, in order to be seen and heard, your communication needs to cut through the noise, and we're going to show you how. I'm AJ, successfully recovered introvert, entrepreneur, and self-development junkie. And I'm Johnny Zubak, former touring musician, promoter, rock and roller, and co-founder here at The Art of Charm. And for the last 15 years, we've trained thousands of top performers and teams from every background. We have dedicated our lives to teaching men and women all they need to know about communication, networking, and relationships.

3:57You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary. All right, let's kick off today's show. Johnny and I are discussing how to identify low-value behaviors. Do you unknowingly exhibit low-value behaviors that keep you from connecting with others? Well, today we're going to break down those behaviors in others and ourselves so that you can identify and eliminate your own low-value behaviors. Also, what high-value behaviors can you nurture instead of those low-value behaviors? How you can spread your high value to others, as well as what science shows that supports the benefits to ourselves and others of being high-value so that you can find a balance between being giving and not being taken advantage of.

4:40Like attracts like. High-value individuals attract other high-value individuals. So if we can start focusing on ourselves, becoming high value and giving people value instead of taking value from them, we're going to start attracting better people. Right now, low value behaviors will attract other low value people. And the key here is definitely vulnerability. This is not easy. What we're preaching here is not a simple solution, but it's through that vulnerability that we create amazing connections. We welcome awesome people into our lives and we have these really deep relationships. Well, putting this work in on yourself opens the door.

5:18You mentioned many things it opens the door on. And those are wonderful, beautiful things. And if you're not able to experience them, you'll stay shut down. And so through this, we're also going to challenge you guys to give some of these things a shot and give you a few social experiments that you can use to hopefully start to see the benefits of this. Yeah, so to start, let's define value for the audience who is not as familiar with that term, or maybe it's a little nebulous for people. So at The Art of Charm, we define value as three specific things. And what are they, Johnny? All right, they're always going to be attention, approval, and acceptance.

5:55And they are the three cornerstone things that human beings need as a species in order to feel good about ourselves. And we know this because everything that we do is about collecting more of this for ourselves. And if you think about it, why do we go on social media? Why are we posting that? We're looking for these three things. So attention is pretty straightforward. It's becoming the interest of others. It's getting other people to focus on us. And sometimes we can have an unhealthy amount of attention necessary. And we call that narcissism, right? We just absolutely need everyone pining over you.

6:33So attention makes a lot of sense. going on Facebook, chasing those likes on Instagram. That's what we're looking for. The second one, approval, slightly different, right? That has encouragement tied to it. So now we're not just getting attention. We're actually feeling good because other people are giving us that appreciation, telling us great job, celebrating us. You're getting cheered on. And when you're getting cheered on, you are feeling good about the moves that you're making and it only fuels you to do more of that. And when we're getting encouraged, right, we get this big rush of pride and we feel great and it makes us go even further, lean in even harder, which is why sometimes we pursue sports and hobbies to get that approval.

7:19Now, the third thing, acceptance, that's another basic human need that we all have of being part of a community. We've been fortunate enough over the last 11 years to create this amazing community around the art of charm and this family of individuals who've come through our boot camps. obviously the audience listening. And with that, we're always seeking out community. We're always seeking out tribes that we wanna be a part of. Well, how about the science that's coming out of the number one killer in older men? And it's a lot of loneliness. There's safety in being part of a tribe. There's comfort in being part of the tribe.

7:54Here at The Art of Trial, we talk a lot about having three areas of focus, your mental wellbeing, your physical wellbeing, and then your emotional wellbeing. and a large part of your emotional well-being is tied to being accepted, being part of a group, feeling that love from other people and being part of that tribe. And I think a lot of it is having something that's bigger than some of you, right? So we have all these people that are looking to you that you can add value to so you feel this need to be there that you're obligated. And with that, obviously, the community has the aspect of protecting us, helping us when we're down.

8:32So it's another reason why we formed these tribes hundreds of thousands of years ago, and we've been continuing to function in these tribes, trying to find security, find strength, and protection. Now, with all of this, obviously, there's a reason why we seek this out, and why is value so important to us? Well, to begin with, we're flawed characters, and we need to set that up. Evolution is responsible for all the best parts of mankind and all the worst parts of mankind. Basically meaning we're a combination of the both. Now that we're a combination of both of those things, we have to look at how the negative stuff affects us.

9:12Obviously, the good stuff is that we're able to think, we're able to grasp abstract concepts and consciousness on a level that no other species on the planet has, and this has allowed us to survive. What are the negative aspects of humankind that allow us to survive? Well, that is fear, and that is insecurities, and the things that keep us from doing dumb things. Yeah, the mental tricks will play on ourselves, those cognitive distortions that go along with consciousness, where we can overthink and overanalyze. That leads to inaction, that leads to personal harm, seeking out drugs, substances to replace some of this value that we're talking about.

9:53And this is all tied to dopamine. Dopamine is a very powerful neurotransmitter. And we've had a number of psychologists through the show over the last decade who talked exactly about this. And if you think about it, that's that same feeling we're getting when we're going on social media, we're getting that hit of dopamine. And studies are now showing that a lot of these social media properties are actually manipulating us by grouping our likes together to get us to use the app more. and getting us hooked on that dopamine rush so that we have the phone constantly tied to our hands and we're constantly obsessively checking it.

10:29We are working with some powerful wiring in our brain through this neurotransmitter. And it is important to recognize how we can harm ourselves from it, but also, the flip side, how we could use it to our advantage to help other people to foster this community to give value instead of looking to take value. And that's what we ultimately talk about when we say becoming a high-value individual. A low-value individual is someone that seeks out these three things, attention, approval, and acceptance, before giving them. It is in the seeking out of these things that low-value behaviors actually harm you and harm the people around you.

11:10We want to talk about four different behaviors that you're going to encounter that are all ways to seek these three things, attention, approval, and acceptance. And there is one in particular that we're going to talk about at the end that we feel should be your goal, what you strive to become so that you are not seeking these things for the wrong reasons. Instead, you're giving them for the right reasons. So to start with, we feel the lowest value behavior is supplicative. And what does that word mean, Johnny? Because it's an old word, and I know some of our audiences probably never even heard it.

11:47Yeah, it's an old word. It means to beg. And obviously, if we're talking about attention, approval, and acceptance, that's exactly what you're doing. You're going out of your way to beg for attention, approval, and acceptance. And there's many ways of doing this. And so think of it like, if I had asked you to walk into a bar and ask 50 people this evening to please like me, how would you feel about that? You'd feel pretty bad about yourself. You'd feel after the first couple that I don't want to do this anymore. Sure. And I don't think anybody out there listening to this would want to have to do that as a mission.

12:22That's terrifying. But here's the thing of it. If you wouldn't want to verbally say that to somebody, then why would you allow your behaviors and actions to say that for you if those things speak louder than words? Ever feel like you're just one step behind? You're super skilled, yet something seems to always hold you back. It might just be your mastery of human dynamics. Truth is, we all hit walls, especially in crowded rooms where it feels like everyone knows each other or in high-stakes meetings where the air is thick with tension. That's where our executive coaching at Elite Human Dynamics steps in.

12:59Over the last seven years, I've been personally coaching executives from Fortune 100 companies and the U.S. military. If you're ready to take your career and relationship to the next level, join us in our Elite Human Dynamics executive coaching program. We're not just about networking. We're about transforming good leaders into great ones. Imagine resolving conflicts as smoothly as butter sliding off a hot knife or walking into a networking event like you own the room. That's the power we offer. With our tactical frameworks and personalized feedback, you won't just build connections. You'll forge alliances.

13:31At Elite Human Dynamics, top execs aren't just skilled at spreadsheets and strategies. They master the art of human dynamics, and now you can too. Now here's where it gets spicy. If your interest is piqued, why not change the game? Head over to theartofcharm.com slash elite to request your next level coaching session. Check out Elite Human Dynamics who take your first step towards legendary leadership. Visit theartofcharm.com slash elite to dive into our curriculum and make every opportunity count. This is not just how we can verbally supplicate. This is also how we can non-verbally supplicate because we know that nonverbal communication is often more powerful than verbal communication when we're dealing with strangers, when we're dealing with people we aren't really comfortable with.

14:18And some of these behaviors have been ingrained since we were kids. Of course. It started out with us seeking those three things, attention, approval, acceptance from your parents. Yeah, and what would be the first way you learn to do that? As a kid? Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna be crying. You're gonna be emotional to get a reaction. Obviously, the older you get, the less those things work. And so you start to think, well, crying used to get me these things. Crying isn't doing that anymore. Now I have to figure out another way of getting that. So obviously how you're raised has a lot of influence on this.

14:51But also this is how strong that reward system is. That it is now chipping away at behaviors to give you a personality that you have developed to get these things. And this is why we continue to say that this is programming. I mean, looking at this from this perspective, what we're doing right now is attempting to reprogram. Hiring the right person with the right skills. That's what moves a business forward. If you want candidates who match what you're looking for, you need Indeed Sponsored Jobs. Hiring Indeed is all you need. Stop struggling to get your job post even seen on other sites. Give your job the best chance to be seen with Indeed Sponsored Jobs.

15:34They help you stand out and hire quality candidates who can drive the results you need. Sponsored jobs boost your post for quality candidates, so you reach the exact people you want faster. And that makes a big difference. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 90 % more likely to report a hire than non-sponsored jobs. You reach a bigger pool of quality candidates. So join the 1.6 million companies that sponsor their jobs with Indeed. If I needed to hire a new editor, I'd go to Indeed and be specific, not just can edit audio. I'd say I need somebody who's edited conversation podcasts for at least three years, gets our style, and knows our software.

16:12Someone who's done this before. And with Indeed Sponsored Jobs, you get people that fit that description. You're not digging through resumes from people who've edited one YouTube video. You're getting actual podcast editors who know what they're doing. Plus, with Indeed Sponsored Jobs, you only pay for results. No monthly subscriptions, no long-term contracts, just a boost whenever you need to find quality talent fast. People are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In a minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend more time interviewing candidates who check all your boxes.

16:44Less stress, less time, more results now with Indeed Sponsored Jobs. And listeners of this show will get a$75 sponsored job credit to help you get your job the premium status it deserves at Indeed.com slash charm. Just go to Indeed.com slash charm right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed from this podcast. Indeed.com slash charm. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, do it the right way with Indeed. When you're making good money, it's easy to get complacent. You don't track every dollar, then the holidays hit and you realize you have no idea where it all went. If you want to keep your finances under control this holiday season, you need to be using Monarch.

17:22Monarch, rated Wall Street Journal's best budgeting app of 2025. Monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one clean interface, on your laptop or your phone. And right now, just for our listeners, Monarch is offering 50 % off your first year. I've put off organizing my finances for years. Monarch does the heavy lifting. Like all your accounts in minutes, clear visuals, smart categorization. I'll never touch a spreadsheet again. Forbes named it best app for couples. CNBC put it in their top fintech companies in the world. There's a Reddit community with 34 ,000 users who shape how the product gets built.

17:56If you're not on top of your money, you're missing chances to save more, invest smarter, and hit your goals faster. Don't let financial opportunities slip through the cracks. Use code charm at monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code charm. You know what drains your energy faster than a bad networking event? An overpriced phone bill. The big wireless companies love taking your money. They count on you not switching. Right now, Mint Mobile is running their best deal of the year. 50 % off all unlimited plans. That's$15 a month for unlimited.

18:29$15. That's less than most people spend on coffee in a week. You get high-speed data, unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. Bring your current phone. Keep your number. No contracts. Turn your expensive wireless bill into actual savings. Go to mintmobile.com. slash charm. That's mintmobile.com slash charm. Limited time offer, upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12 months required. That's$15 a month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes when the network is busy. Capable device required.

19:04Availability speed and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. So step one is identify. Identify these behaviors in yourself. And then step two is to realize there's actually a better way to go about this. And I think sometimes, right, based on the way we were raised and the influence of our family and the way we were nurtured, we start to think there's really only one or two ways, right? We only use the tools that we're given. So part of the bootcamp experience is to give you more tools so that you can be more effective and not rely on some of these lower value behaviors to get that attention, approval, and acceptance.

19:39Well, and as we move through this, you're going to see more and more behaviors that you might do. And of course, I know that in the past, I have done it and working to continue getting better as I move forward. But there's also high-value behaviors that you probably have developed as well. And to be honest with yourself, to decipher, okay, these are low-value behaviors that I commit to, and these are the high-value behaviors that I commit to. I want to do more of these, less of these. And then it's about what process am I going to put in place to allow that to happen? These are questions that will be answered a little later.

20:14So talking again about body language, some simple things that we do to supplicate mostly center around making yourself smaller, becoming the victim, and trying to get attention because of that victimhood. Yeah, and once again, we can go to social media about victim mentality. I'm sure everyone here has a friend or two that seem to post their new ailment every day. I know I have those people and they get the unfollow SWAT. So I don't have to see that stuff. Yeah, you hear about all the things their bosses done did wrong them, all the ways their coworkers have hurt them, or even the weather and how their allergies are acting up.

20:55One of the things we talk about constantly on the show is having those high value friends because you are the sum of the people you're closest to. So as we start to look at these behaviors in ourselves, also start to look at the behaviors of the people you surround yourself with. You're going to find a lot of reinforcement there. You're going to find that in areas where you have these low-value behaviors, where you supplicate, you probably have other friends who are doing this exact same behavior around you. Like attracts like. So with our body language, getting small, crossing our arms, closing ourselves off, being meeker, even lowering your voice.

21:33Absolutely. And it's another way you can become invisible. Right. Exactly that. we are trying to make ourselves invisible through our actions and through our words. We're talking about the victim mentality. When you take that on, you're also giving up any sort of control that you might have to make any of these changes because you're pointing the finger. It's everyone else's fault. That's right. It's my boss's fault that I didn't get to raise. It's this girl's fault that I didn't get to have this date from Tinder. It's my buddy's fault that I didn't get invited to this party. The weather's fault that I'm sick.

22:07It's always someone else's fault, right? And that's a key distinction here. It is a lack of responsibility. It is refusing to take responsibility for what's happening and your actions and instead blaming, pointing the finger elsewhere. Now with this, and this is something that's a little more nuanced that I think a lot of you might be surprised to hear, positive body language. When we fully face someone and try to get all of their attention immediately, right? Fully facing someone so you're right in front of them, you're giving them full eye contact and presenting yourself fully to them actually is supplicative.

22:47It's begging for that attention from the other person. Yeah, you can almost, for the visual of a puppy who no matter which way you turn, he's always in front of you staring at you with his tongue out. And of course, what do you have to do in that moment, right? You have to entertain him. You have to play with him. You have to pat him on the head. Well, imagine a friend doing that. You're like, how long can those behaviors last before you get angry of, please get out of my way? Like, this is a high maintenance issue, right? You're not a cute little dog that I could pat on the head and you're all scary off.

23:16Because once I reward you. Now we're starting the vicious cycle, right? We're reinforcing the bad behavior. Understanding that giving someone too much positive body language, forcing them to give you all of their attention is actually supplicative behavior. Well, look how easily that gets mixed up with something a lot of our fathers had told us from the time we were young. Make sure you look people in the eye, give them a firm handshake, give them your attention when you're speaking to them. And those are all great things, but not when you're first meeting somebody for the first time. That could be incredibly intimidating.

23:51Yeah, overwhelming for the other person. Instead, allow them to earn your attention, approval, and acceptance. Don't just give it to them for no reason. Beautiful word, earning it. Now, I want to dig a little deeper into this victim mentality because it does seem to permeate this low value behavior through and through. Yes. And understanding sort of its root cause. And when we rely on victimhood to get that attention, we are attracting the wrong type of people. Those people who are high value do not have much patience for people who don't take personal responsibility. Yeah. So they're gone. Right.

24:29And all of a sudden, you're going to whittle down your friend group to a bunch of other victims who want to yell at the sky, everything is wrong with the world. And now your behaviors are rationalized because everyone around you is doing it. So how could you be wrong? So it becomes tough to fight your way out of that. So recognizing these moments when you are being supplicative. And the other funny part about supplicating, begging for that attention, is becoming too agreeable, right? Because we're worried that if we say the wrong thing, we say something negative, we disagree with the person, that that person can take their attention away.