Unbreakable (Building Grit And Resilience) | Compilation

26:40Part of intuition is knowing the difference, knowing which context in which you want to be more analytical and when you want to be more intuitive. And the tricky thing is that you change one variable, right? You change the industry or you change the mix of people that you're interacting with and everything changes. So there's this nuance that is involved with knowing how to act, how to perceive, how to use your intuition in different situations because we're social creatures and we're always interacting with other people. And so when we're all in our heads, we're not taking into account what's happening on the other end.

27:22You can learn how to be better at interpersonal perception. You can be better at investing. You can be better at using your intuition. You can learn it, but not everybody is willing to do it. Because even though you can learn it, you have to be willing to do the one thing that a lot of people aren't willing to do, and that is embarrass yourself. You have to be willing to embarrass yourself. That's how you hone your intuition by putting yourself out there, taking these massive chances, not taking small chances where you learn very little at a time, but taking huge leaps where you learn a lot at a time.

28:05And the problem is a lot of times when we do that, we'll face that one big embarrassment or that one big instance of backlash. And then all of a sudden we're like, oh, no, I don't ever want to have that feeling again. Right. That was that was terrifying or that didn't sit well with me. And that prevents us from learning and developing our intuition. So it takes a level of humility. It takes a willingness to be embarrassed. It takes a willingness to approach situations that even though you know the deck is stacked against you, that you still go for it anyways. Laura goes on to talk about how great social skills always outperform hard work.

28:54To serve up great social skills, make sure that you have a solid first impression. Otherwise, you're shooting yourself in the foot. we've been taught from a really young age that hard work is the secret to success right you ask people who are olympians um you ask people who are ceos top executives of companies um you know you ask anybody who has achieved these indicators of success and you say how did you achieve your success and they're like hard work just keep working hard put in the time put in the heart And the issue is that we teach our kids this. We teach people to put in the hard work. But we find that very quickly, we're sort of disenchanted finding that hard work doesn't always speak for itself.

29:44That you can take two different people who work equally as hard, and one person will inevitably be more successful than the other. And that's because the world is driven by signals and perceptions and stereotypes and all of these sorts of things. And so those are the types of social skills that we need to, number one, understand are important. And number two, be able to develop in ourselves. And number three, be able to tailor it to the right situations that we're going to be in. These are skills like knowing ourselves, but also being able to know the counterpart, knowing how the counterpart is going to be perceiving us because different people are going to perceive us in different ways.

30:31Some people are going to see those stereotypes. Some people are going to see those stereotypes and try and go beyond. Some people are not going to see those stereotypes at all. And so it's really up to us to guide those perceptions and be able to interact with people in a way that will make our hard work work harder for us. so that it's not just your hard work speaking for itself. It's your hard work speaks, but you're also helping to amplify and have it speak on behalf of what you're doing. Changing people, like turning people's stereotypes to work in our favor or switching things so that it gives us an advantage.

31:12People start to think like it feels strategic. It feels like I'm managing impressions or that I'm, you know, that it feels almost gross, like I'm manipulating or something. And, you know, in fact, the thing is, people are going to have impressions of you. They're going to have first impressions of you, regardless of whether you guide them and to your impressions or not. Right. They're going to have an impression of you. And if they have the wrong impression of you, it's a lot more work and a lot more. It's less authentic for you to then have to change their impressions back to who you authentically are.

31:50If you start with knowing who you are and being unapologetic about who you are and guiding those perceptions, it's actually better off. It's not strategic at all. You're showing them who you authentically are and giving them that information, the information about the value you provide, the information about who you are. You know, I always talk about how, you know, people we we we say to people like be yourself, right? Go if you're going into an interview, just be yourself. Or if you're pitching a venture capitalist, just be yourself. Or, you know, you're going on a date with somebody new, like just be yourself.

32:31Right. But the thing is, it's be yourself is actually horrible advice because there are so many versions of yourself. Right. It's really like be yourselves. it's like a diamond, right? And each person is a diamond, but you can look at that diamond from different angles and it's going to sparkle in different ways, right? And under certain lighting, it's going to maybe shine more or in certain rooms or in certain, like, you know, like different contexts in different situations, you're going to see that diamond differently. And when you guide those perceptions, it's not strategic. Instead, it's showing them that angle of your diamond that's going to shine the brightest and is going to show them how you enrich and provide value.

33:23It's still the same diamond. You're still yourself. You're still authentically that diamond, but you're just positioning it and showing it at that angle in which it's going to give you the richest sort of experience with that other person. Learning to adjust to different social environments gives you an edge over your peers. Our clients have used this exercise to great effect. Do it. I mean, the trickiest part is having that self-awareness of who you are and that awareness of how the other person is seeing you. being able to have those experiences where you can be in front of different people and being like, this person's going to see me differently than that person.

34:08And when you have that sort of awareness, then you're able to build in more freedom for yourself to go in different directions, try out different things and be able to sort of delight. And it is really hard because you know, in people sort of ask me often, like you study how to turn disadvantage into an advantage and you study how to take obstacles and constraints and flip them in your favor. So what are the 10 steps? What are the three steps or what are, you know, what are the steps that I need to do to get there? How do I gain an edge? And the thing is, I mean, like I would love to be able to give everybody a recipe and be like, here's what you do.

34:56You mix a little of this and a little of that, but it's not a recipe. It's not like the 10 steps to gaining an edge. Because if I did give that to you, it wouldn't work as well, right? Really what it is, it's a perspective. It's a perspective for thinking it through so that you can develop your own unique edge. That's where you get the unfair piece. Because when you've taken that perspective and making it yours and making it your unique edge is when it becomes a much sharper edge and a much more refined and a much more useful and effective edge. I'll give you one example of this just to kind of illustrate what I'm talking about.

35:40There's one exercise that I do with my students, which is called the 10 no's exercise. And the goal of it is in one week, they have to get 10 people to say no to them. And so, and, you know, in the point of this is sort of number one, when we're asking people, we're not really ever in situations where we're thinking like, I'm trying to get a no, we're always trying to ask for things by trying to get a yes, right, getting them to agree to something. And when you're trying to get actively get a no, when your homework assignment is to get a no, it changes the way you interact with people. So you start to learn like, hey, like you start to see patterns and see differences that you didn't normally see throughout the course of your life.

36:25The second thing you learn is that it's actually a lot harder to get people to say no than you think, right? People are not equipped to say no. If you get at somebody hedging or some sort of a yes, but no, but I'll do this for you instead. That doesn't count. It has to be a full-fledged no. It can't be a concession. It only counts as a full-fledged no. You realize how extreme some of these requests have to get before you actually get a no. In going through this exercise, you learn the whole goal is to embarrass yourself and get a no. The whole point of this is for you to get a note. So you have permission now to go and do these sort of things that you never would have done before.

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41:08And then he goes into how progressivism is better than perfectionism and how to stay focused on the right things. So then someone said, well, why don't you start a podcast? You could interview investors and have connections. And I go, why don't I go to the moon? I don't know how to do that. That seemed completely overwhelming. So I thought, all right, what am I afraid of? And this is something I think everybody can look at. For me, I put some faces on it. So I wasn't just this blur of fear. The first fear was the fear of rejection, right? I'm going to call Kevin Harrington up from Shark Tank and say, hey, you want to be on my show?

41:40And he's like, well, how many episodes have you done? Can I, you know, I'm like, oh, you'd be the first. So, but here's my solution to that first one. Never reject yourself. When someone bought another brand versus me, oh, another salesperson could have gotten a yes. Or maybe they're right. Maybe my product isn't good. So when you don't reject yourself or what you're offering, then that gets up. Then the next fear I had was, well, the fear of failure. What if I launch this and nobody listens to it? I'll be embarrassed, wasted time and money. And then I just said, wait, failure is just feedback.

42:10We keep going as entrepreneurs until we get a zombie idea so great it won't die. And then the third one that almost stopped me was the fear of the unknown. What mic do I buy? How do I host? I've been a guest, but how do I host? How do I put this up on iTunes? Luckily, I found somebody, that's their whole business, done for you podcasting. And so the solution of the fear of the unknown is don't go it alone. With those three faces, the first one, rejection, especially having a sales background, you have experience in. But for those of us who maybe haven't had that before, and now we're looking at, okay, I'm interviewing for new roles, or I do want to push my idea forward.

42:47That is often the scariest one. And especially, we've laughed about this on the show, helicopter parents, lawnmower parents, we've been so protected from rejection. And we go to apps because the rejection doesn't hurt. We look at all these different ways to avoid it. How can we, if we haven't felt it before without experience, get over that fear of rejection? First party is never reject yourself, even if you get the no. And no now doesn't mean no forever. And then the secret sauce is resilience. Everyone's going to get knocked down in your life, no matter how successful you are. How fast you get back up after you've gotten knocked down is the secret to not taking rejection personally.

43:27Is there any mantra that you could give our audience to lean into? Because one of the things that when we have our classes, for instance, failure, it's easy to look at failure as feedback because you're not having that term in there. If I told you not to look at the pink elephant or think of the pink elephant, you're going to think of it. So if we look at rejection, it was like, well, we're not going to reject ourself. It's going to be in there. So what do you recommend for people to lean on when it comes to that very fear? If you're not rejecting yourself and not taking it personally, if you go back to the book, The Four Agreements, it says, don't take anything personally.

44:00Don't take rejection personally. You know, it's not a fit. doesn't mean no forever. I go up against other speakers all the time. They go, look, it's between you and two other people. And, you know, sometimes I get them and sometimes I don't. How fast do I let that go and move on to the next versus going over and over in my head about, you know, all the negative self-talk. We have to replace that negative self-talk with something I call stacking our moments of certainty. Right. So I encourage people to write down two or three times when you knew you nailed it. Interviewed and got the job. Asked somebody out on a date, got a yes.

44:31Whatever it was, remember those moments of certainty and then remember how it feels. It felt happy, exuberated, confident. And when you associate that, that's what you replace that negative self-talk with. Instead of thinking of yourself as a perfectionist and even applauding yourself for being one, and then that just causes you to micromanage everything and never be happy, you can still be motivated. So the new phrase is become a progressionist, which is someone who celebrates their progress. So if you're climbing Mount Everest and literally, or as a task and you're halfway up, you have a choice.

45:04You can look back and go, look how much progress we've made. Or you can look up and go, oh, look how much further we have to go. We're never going to make it. We're going to make more. It's not going to be perfect. All of that just contributes to paralyzing yourself into not wanting to try something new or feeling if it's not perfect, it's not worth doing. So if you shift that, because it's never enough to tell people, don't do this. You always need to replace it with something. So this concept of celebrating your progress, and if you have a support partner, someone you work with, your coach, whatever it is that you guys offer, that I tell people, open up your meetings, your weekly meetings with, we're going to celebrate progress first before we go into whatever else is on the agenda.

45:46Man, it shifts the energy. So like, oh, I'm a progressionist. I'm not going to focus on what didn't, we're further along. You're going to need to go. Losing weight, you can torture yourself, right? I didn't lose this by, well, I made some progress. I lost one pound instead of 10. Okay. Your choice. What are you going to focus on? Next, our good friend, Dr. Stephen Hayes, discusses how our inner dictator takes control of our beliefs and actions, and how the act of diffusion can help uncuff us from its grip. Well, dictator comes from the Latin means to dictate, to speak, and we're being spoken to inside our head.

46:21And even little kids, four-year-olds understand, you know, goofy with horns on one shoulder and goofy with a halo on the other. We got that thing going on from that age forward. Certainly. I think that's where connectedness comes from. I mean, if you're exposed to it all day long and you have no one around you to check in with about this voice, about what you're feeling, about what's going on, it stands a chance to take over. Yeah. And we don't talk about our insides easily and we compare our insides to other people's outsides. So we're walking around with this big secrets that we've got like this goofy with horns inside our head, this dictator within.

46:59But, you know, everybody around you does too. I mean, that person who looks so accomplished, so smooth, you know, no, if you get inside that person, but, you know, we've all got the same secrets and that's the biggest secret of all. That's the one we'd never tell any. So we feel so alone and disconnected when in fact, these kinds of struggles and stuff are exactly what connect us yeah if we just would even trust that and open our mouths we would find people around you and when i talk about my anxiety disorder history for example i was just on a podcast yesterday a pretty well-known person started talking about their panic history you know well of course you know i mean this happens over and over again that when you start showing up inside your own skin and being a little more open about it, you give permission for other people to do the same.

47:53And guess what? They're like you. They're like you. You're not alone. It's your mind that's telling you that you are. And you're allowing it to dictate to you that way. And that's a powerful one, because we're the social primates. That's the kind of creatures we are. And if we're alone, we die. You know, literally, if you kind of back up with our evolutionary history, You don't want to be the monkey cast out from the troop. Your survival rate's going way down. Way down. And so we're watching, you know, are we going to be included? Are we going to be included? Well, another one is reigning in the dictator within.

48:24And there we get into some pretty fun stuff, you know, where we have a term for it. We call it diffusion. It means basically to take our thoughts, which often come up on us so close that we can't even notice that we're thinking. You know, just like, I am bad. I'm unlovable. not am I having a thought I'm bad or I'm having the thought I'm unlovable if you just teach people to say that their whole brain lights up differently you know you're in a completely different world if you're having the thought that you're unlovable and you actually say that to yourself versus I'm unlovable and so we give people a whole bunch of little micro skills that they can use some of them are amusing so I worry about it a little bit because people may hear that I'm you should learn to ridicule your mind, but it's not that.

49:10So if I can correct that, but I'll start there because it's just fun. You know, somebody has a thought that's really up on them right now. That's very self-critical. Get that thought kind of written down into four or five words and then sing it to the tune of happy birthday, literally out loud. Nobody do it when nobody's watching, you'll be able to, and just see what happens. You know, there's, there's a little space that opens up that you can have that thought and still do different things. And I walked through quite a number of these little micro skills in Liberated Mind. But one I always like mentioning because it softens it and people will not think that what they're doing is ridiculing themselves.

49:50Take that same thought and think of yourself as young as you can go when you still had self-doubt, self-criticisms, kind of like that. The content might have been different, but the basic theme. Picture yourself at that age in front of you and then take the time to actually hear out loud in that child's voice those thoughts. Make them come out of his or her mouth and watch what it pulls from you. And almost always what it pulls from you is compassion. You want to hug the kid. You want to tell him it's okay. But then you get up in the morning, you're brushing your teeth and you're looking at the person grown up and you're saying the harshest damn things to that person in the mirror.

50:30Oh, you're not going to be ready. What's the matter with you? You should have done better. You know, yesterday you really blew it. You know, it's tantamount to getting that young kid in front of you and slapping him and saying, you know, snap out of it. And it's so harsh and so unloving. But if we can bring, so the diffusion skills are kind of prying this language monster off our face just enough that we can see it. It's like a hand that's in front of your eyes versus a hand that's out at arm's length. The same thought is there, but it functions completely differently. If it's out at arm's length, you can see what else is around you.

51:03And you don't have to necessarily rewrite what's on your hand in order to have some choices about what to do with your behavior. So instead of trying to argue your way out of it, carry your history with you because it comes with you. You know, if I say Mary had a little, I know what you're thinking. If you really tried, say, okay, I'm going to fix it. Let's say it was really bad. And you're going to say toothbrush, Mary had a little toothbrush. Yeah, but if I go like this, you know, hot, you'll think cold. Toothbrush, you'll think lamb. So even if you try to push it out, you've now created yet another avenue to it.

51:43It's not farther away. It's closer now. Because now when you're thinking of something else, it can lead back. You know, when I was struggling with anxiety, if you said the word relaxation, I'd have a panic attack. it's an actual empirical phenomenon it's called relaxation and there's panic because of course it reminds you of it in the same way if i went hot you'd you know think of cold or white you'd think of black and now toothbrush lamb thanks to old bald guy you got that stupid thing in your head and by the way there's no delete button in your nervous system there's people who are listening to this so the next time they're brushing their teeth they're going to say, why am I thinking about lambs?

52:24Thanks for that. We appreciate it. That's the way the nervous system works. So instead of running away and fighting and hiding, which only builds it, could we find some ways that don't eliminate it, but give it a little space or distance so you can have that thought without it having you? And we call that diffusion. And it's a really fun area of work. There's hundreds of methods, but there's a bunch in the book and actually in the resources, there's like an act toolkit that people can get to walk through. a whole lot of little micro things that they can use. Johnny, that was a jam-packed episode helping you unlock one of the biggest keys to success, grit.

53:01When you build resilience, you create momentum necessary to reach your goals.

53:15Thank you for joining us for another amazing episode of the Art of Charm podcast. And now we'd like to feature one of our members of our X Factor Accelerator. Take it away, Tammy. Hey, everybody. This is Tammy. And as a retail business owner, the old saying, you know, it's lonely at the top. It's true. I joined X Factor because I wanted to be in a group of people who were kind of on the same level that I was, who were trying to live their best lives. And it has been an amazing community to be a part of. I am an X factor with people who are really trying to create their best future and their best lives.

53:54And I highly recommend the program to anybody who's thinking about it. I don't think that you'll ever regret it. To invest in yourself is the best investment you can make. Thank you, Tammy. And it was a pleasure working with you too. And good luck with all your future endeavors. If you've gotten value out of this or any of our podcasts, please head on over to your favorite podcast player and rate and review the show. it means the world to us and it helps others find the show. If you've listened this far, you're probably somebody who understands the value of building meaningful connections and expanding your network.

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55:40Yeah, I remember you. You were a bad boy. You threw your love away. Like it was just a toy. And you sold the world. You're a song of a tragedy. Cause you had your taste. All black on yesterday. Yeah, but I remember you. Oh, yeah. And now, if I'm mad, I'll never run away.