What is Charisma and How to Become Charismatic in 3 Steps | Toolbox

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2:48Take our quick quiz today and unveil your Influence Index. You'll gain insight into what's blocking you from achieving social success and discover actionable strategies to enhance your influence. Stop wondering. Start influencing. Your journey to become more influential begins at the Influence Index. Visit theartofcharm.com slash influence to get your Influence Index score and grow your influence fast. Take our free Influence Index today at theartofcharm.com slash influence. Welcome to the Art of Charm podcast, where we break down the science of powerful communication and winning mindsets so you have the cheat code to succeed with people.

3:27Every episode is jam-packed with actionable steps to unlock the hidden superpowers inside of you. Level up with us each week by listening to interviews with the best in business, psychology, and relationships. We distill thousands of hours of research in the most effective tools and the latest science so you can start winning today. Let's face it. In order to be seen and heard, your communication needs to cut through the noise. And we're going to show you how. I'm AJ, successfully recovered introvert, entrepreneur, and self-development junkie. And I'm Johnny Zubak, former touring musician, promoter, rock and roller, and co-founder here at The Art of Charm.

4:01And for the last 15 years, we've trained thousands of top performers and teams from every background. We have dedicated our lives to teaching men and women all they need to know about communication, networking, and relationships. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary. All right. Today's toolbox is all about growing your charisma. Why it's so important and how it has an impact on your career, your personal relationships, and your ability to grow your social capital, as well as a common myth that many of us believe around charisma and growing our charisma. We're going to break down the three fundamental components of charisma and how you can grow your charisma to be more memorable, to be more interesting, and ultimately to build deeper connections with people.

4:50I'm so excited to have Johnny and Michael here today to discuss charisma on this Toolbox episode. Now, we've all seen charismatic people. They light up a room and people want to talk to them and connect with them. We seek charismatic people when we're out. So how can we become more charismatic? When we see charismatic people, they can seem as if they're larger than life. They burn a picture in our mind and they tend to grow in our mind just by the way that whole room treats them. When you stand there next to them, you don't think anything of it, but it's just the perception of how they directed the energy in that room makes them seem larger than life.

5:34And you can do this too. You can be that person. And it seems always magical. I think every listener knows what we're talking about when we describe these people walking into a room, but it's your hard push to decide what actually makes this person, what gives this person this charisma that they take over the room. Everyone looks at them when they come in. Everyone wants to talk to them. And charisma is essential to being influential. So if you feel stuck in your career, maybe passed over for promotion, you feel that your social life is lacking, your friends aren't reaching out to you as much, you're not being asked to hang out, or maybe even romantically you're struggling to get second dates, ultimately it comes down to a lack of influence, not being influential.

6:19And charisma is the first pillar of influence. The second pillar is communication, how you communicate with others makes you influential. And the third piece is the relationships you have or the social capital, as we call it. So when you're charismatic, when you are an amazing communicator and you have social capital, you're influential, you're promoted, you get ahead in your career effortlessly, and you make friends easily. So that's why it's so important that we understand the role that charisma has in growing our influence. And that's why I'm excited to break down, how do we actually grow our charisma to become more influential?

6:55Maybe let's start here, even though this is a little bit tricky. and I'll tell you why in a second. So the definition of charisma, let's start there because just like I said a minute ago, when people walk into the room and they do have this charisma, we still have a hard time making out like what exactly is it. It's not the limousine that parked in front of the place a minute earlier, it's something else. And this is termed charisma and it was first described by actually a German sociologist. So leave charisma to the Germans. The sociologist was called Max Weber. And this was just 100 years ago.

7:34And so he was the first one to work around in this field. And to this day, the concept is quite new and vague. So there was a big research done by John Anotonakis and his team where they looked at a variety of studies and research done around the field. And this was in 2016, and they ended up calling this paper Charisma, an ill-defined and ill-measured gift. So the reason Charisma is difficult to measure and also difficult to define is that it is something you recognize immediately. and at the same time it is measured by how you are received so how charismatic i am in this room as we're recording this is defined by what am i what i'm doing what gives me the charisma however is how aj and johnny how you're reacting to me so this makes it this is what makes it difficult to actually measure and so for the purpose of the definition of of this episode today i would like to go with the definition that psychology today has used.

8:50And they write, charisma is the ability to attract, charm, and influence the people around you. I think that's a good one. And before it was defined, do you know what they called it, Michael? The divine gift. In the music industry and entertainment, it was just called the it factor. It was always it. This person. I think Stephen King might have ruined that verbiage a little bit in the 80s. Well, that's what they called it. It was always it. This Michael has it. AJ has it. It's just how they defined it. And that's why it has been difficult for everyone to verbalize and articulate what this actually is.

9:31But now the research is out. We have all this data that has been collected and it is now defined as charisma. And the definition that you use, Michael, encompasses what it is. Now, the problem with it, have it, has a connotation that, well, aren't you born with it? Is charisma something that you can actually develop? Or do some people just luck of the draw have it and others don't have it? Right. And if you feel right now as you're listening to it that you might not have it, it's very easy to be hard on yourself. It's very easy to get upset when you see others who seem to have it. but in actuality, it's a combination of three skills that you can learn and develop.

10:14And it's something that we do with all of our coaching clients, because it's so key to you growing your influence and being successful. I love that AJ. And that is very important. And this goes back to my, uh, when the days that I was bartending, managing a bar and I was working in the music industry, I was also a talent buyer and I was also one of the people who were performing and I lived in that performance art world. And as a bartender, my world was all involved in the people, the performances, the people that were coming in out of that club. There was a lot of creatives. And we use that term all the time.

10:56Oh, so-and-so has it, so-and-so has it. But when they were young or we would call it, they have raw it. Yeah. The raw it and the it. I mean, whenever we look at personality traits like this, we always look at nature versus nurture. Um, they're always two component to it. You might have been really lucky in the gene lottery and you've gotten, you know, some charisma, some divine gift handed to you when, you know, you started out on day one. And then there is also nurtures, like what kind of training do I put into this? Do I surround myself with the right people? Do I get the right mentors to really get this tweaked to perfection?

11:35And Angela Duckworth in her book, Grid, she addresses that topic as well. And she says that when it comes to your natural gift, your nature versus your nurture, then training and putting the grid in and working on things always outperforms talent or nature. So it's important to realize that this is a combination of conscientiousness or extroversion as part of our genetic makeup. But then also it's how you interact with others and how others perceive you. So if you grew up maybe as a single child or you didn't have a lot of socialization, you didn't have a lot of great modeling, well, that's where the nurture comes in.

12:17So how do we amplify the nurture? How do we actually break charisma down into three skill sets that we can practice, we can hone, and ultimately we can turn on to showcase that charisma when it really matters, when we're meeting people for the first time to become more memorable. I think before we break this down into three components, I think it's really important to outline something here for those that are starting out. Charisma can't be faked. You come across as literally as a fake. So there's one study that I really like that is by Sakaro, Kemp and Barter in 2004. And they explored various leadership traits, including charisma.

12:56And they also discussed how charismatic traits can be learned. But in their study, also, they found out that if you fake charisma as a leader, or as a person at a social event, just trying to connect with new friends, if you fake charisma, you'll quickly come off as creating a lack of authenticity and trust. So what we're about to break down, these three skills that we're going to talk about, they can't be faked, they can be learned, and they're something that you want to practice repeatedly so they become something you do unconsciously. Because the more conscious you are in being charismatic, the less authentic and ultimately trustworthy you are.

13:40So that's the paradox that we're working with here. So let's start with the first skill that we need to hone to grow our charisma, and that is presence. If you get this one right, you'll be 90 % plus ahead of the rest of the population. Why is that? Well, as we've talked about in so many previous episodes, our presence, our ability to be in the moment is being constantly obliterated by devices, distractions, notifications, the world environment going on around us. So your ability to hone into the present moment with the person or group of people you're talking to sets the tone for how charismatic you will be.

14:19Now, one of the things that we see in a lot of our clients who join us is they can't quite be present because they're so focused on themselves. In fact, they're inward facing, right, Johnny? Yes, and you mentioned all the extraneous activity and stimulus that is going on that forces us out of being present. And then when we go out and we go to a social engagement, a social event, we have now the added pressure of other people's thoughts and seeing other people's faces. And this will put us in a place of wanting to self-soothe due to all of that stimuli. This forces us in our heads and going through whatever it might be that we need to feel comfortable in that moment.

15:10However, that takes us out of the present moment and in a present consciousness to connect with other people. And one thing we see on video constantly with people who feel like they're stuck in their head or they're inward, is there's a degree of self-judgment going on. Am I doing the right thing? Am I saying the right thing? How are people perceiving me? And even though that judgment is pointed towards yourself, when other people interact with you, they feel judged. They feel, based on your body language and the way that you're self-soothing, as Johnny said, closing yourself off to protect yourself, to feel more comfortable, and deal with the self-judgment you have, you're actually appearing, you're coming across like you're judging others, which makes you off-putting and uncharismatic.

15:58So what's the solution here? How do we actually break out of this inward tension that we're feeling and become more present in the moment with someone we're meeting for the first time? Well, the answer is empathy. Empathy means you're able to put yourself in another person's situation. Well, you can't put yourself in another person's situation if all you're doing is thinking about yourself in the current situation you're in. That requires you to actually learn something about the other person, to be curious about who this other person is. What has their journey been like? What destination are they heading towards in their life?

16:33It doesn't mean that you agree with them. It doesn't mean that you're agreeable AJ and say, yes, awesome, cool, totally to everything they say. But instead, you're trying to go a level deeper in conversation to really get to understand what makes this person tick? What has their experience been like that led them here? So this, a big part of empathy is something that we develop at around three to five years old, and that is called theory of mind. That is my ability to get into AJ's head and figure out what he's thinking, right? I definitely need that for empathy. So this theory of mind thing is something that we learn as kids.

17:10We learn as adults. We improve. we get better and better at perspective taking as our own experience in life grows. Fun fact here that has nothing to do with science, but one of the leading researchers in theory of mind is Simon Baron-Cohen, the brother of Sascha Baron-Cohen, who's known for his work as Borat and Ali G. So that's something to be said about this thing. But to break it down just a little, for empathy, for theory of mind, you need to be able to take perspective. You need to be able to see the world through the eyes of someone else. So even if you're disagreeing with someone on something, maybe I disagree with AJ on the fact that Italian food is really great, right?

17:51That might be the case. But theory of mind, perspective taking empathy allows me to see the world through AJ's eyes and how, I don't know what might give rise to his proclivity towards Italian food. But by thinking on a different level about this, going a little, stepping outside of my own head for a little bit and ask myself, what made AHA say that? What could I ask him to find out what made that happen? That is the level of empathy that we need to bring into the conversation. And at its core, this is what we call value. Attention, approval, and acceptance. When you bring those three A's into any interaction by giving value to others, showcasing that you actually want to get to know them on a deeper level instead of just focusing on yourself, and even worse, focusing inward on yourself and maybe not saying anything, you become more present in the interaction.

18:43And the best part is when you actually interact with someone who's charismatic, take note of how little it is that they talk about themselves and how much interest they express in you. That's the most amazing thing about charismatic people. They actually don't spend much time talking about themselves, and instead they spend a lot of time getting to know you on a much deeper level. So we can use this presence to our advantage and bring empathy into the interaction to make that leap towards becoming more charismatic, to unlock your own inner charisma. And what's so cool about this is that this change that happens when people suddenly switch on their empathy and they train it, this is something that we at the Art of Charm see every month in our implementation sessions and our improv sessions, where you suddenly do have to really train what is the other person thinking right now what do I need to listen for what can I ask and the session usually starts with everyone being a little bit timid not being really sure what should I say and then we do the first couple of practice rounds and people are like oh this is how it works this is what I need to listen for this is how I'd say it and then 60 minutes later everyone's like well that was easy why didn't I learn this like 20 years ago.

19:56This is fun. Like they don't even want to end the session. We're like, we're done guys. You did great. I was like, no, let's do another round. Like there's so much more we need to discuss. Like we don't even run out of stories anymore. What I love about the X-Factor implementation sessions is it allows our clients an opportunity to learn what to listen for. Because here's the issue. When you're self-soothing, you're focused inward. So what does your body language do? Well, it closes off. You might be looking down. It's difficult for other people to talk to you, but here's the issue. It's like, okay, well then what is my body language supposed to be?

20:33Well, if you want to be able to be receptive, you have to open up your body language. You have to hold your head up. You have to look into the other person. Here's what's difficult. Everyone's like, okay, now what do I focus on? What am I training myself to listen for? Well, in the implementation sessions, right? We learn how to focus our attention to the emotional bids that allows people that theory of mind to have an understanding of what it is to feel like that other person, to see things like that other person. And here is where the emotional connection happens because in order for me to have an understanding of how AJ feels, I have to feel those exact same emotions as well.

21:23And by discussing them puts me in that state. While I'm in that state, we are sharing now in an emotional state that we're both in, in the present. and there therein lies the connection and in our x-factor implementation sessions not only do you learn what to listen for but you also learn the cues to look for to show you that these concepts are working and that there is a connection happening when you begin to see those cues you can start to feel comfortable right that your ability to connect with people it's now happening and and you know you can feel good about i had a great connection with michael the other night we we were hanging out it was so awesome and of course michael was like wow hanging out with johnny i i had no idea he was so intuitive of of the room and there was this a natural response to being able to share that emotion that we both share and we remember that that's the connection Exactly.

22:28When you bring presence and empathy into the interaction, the other person remembers you because you make them feel good. You make them feel validated. You make them feel heard. You make them feel understood. And that's why we're communicating in the first place. No one wants to leave an invite or an event or a social gathering feeling misunderstood, feeling unheard, feeling invalidated. So that's why this skill set is so important. and the more you practice it in various contexts, whether inside the implementation sessions or with friends, family, people you already know, coworkers, the stronger this skill of presence is gonna become.

23:06And as we said, since so much of the modern world is destroying our ability to be present, you set yourself so further than everyone else on this planet by developing a skillset, which is the first step to unlocking your charisma. Let's talk about the second pillar to unlocking that charisma. That's enthusiasm. It's the next piece of the puzzle. Now, of course, when we think about enthusiasm, we might have a common pitfall or an idea that, oh, enthusiasm means I just have to talk about how great I am, how amazing I am, all the awesome things and fun things I'm doing in my life. And that's a common pitfall we see with our clients, right, Johnny?

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27:38This leads then to you feeling that you're boring because the only thing that has been on your mind is work, that promotion, getting ahead, solidifying and stabilizing your lifestyle, all of those things. And if you have a dog or a pet or even more responsible yet, a family, all of those things come down to you being good at your job. So that's where you're going to put all of your efforts. So if you're feeling that you're boring, it's going to be very hard to be enthusiastic outward in conversation when meeting people. So that's something we have to break. And it starts with how you actually feel about yourself.

28:24When you understand that even if right at this moment, when you compare yourself to others, you feel like you haven't reached the same level of accomplishments, you haven't gone on the fun trips, or you haven't done the cool things that other people around you have done. If you're viewing yourself as boring, you're then killing your ability to be charismatic when meeting other people. Because that self-judgment, again, robs you from your ability to not only be present, but then also be enthusiastic in other people's presence to allow them to feel good around you. And the reason that enthusiasm is so important is because it's contagious.