Why High-Value People Don’t Avoid Conflict | Social Intel Brief

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1:21Well, let's face it. Relationships are messy. and people, no two people are the same. So conflict is inevitable, especially in high-performance environments with teams, relationships, and leadership. So the better you are at navigating conflict, the better your career is going to go. A lot of people don't realize that the more conflict-adverse they are, the less moves they have to make on the career chessboard. You don't want to be pinned in. Otherwise, you're going to have to make moves that you will be very uncomfortable making and that may hurt other people. That's why handling conflicts early, handling quickly and effectively is so important and will determine your success.

2:15And that was such a tough lesson for me to learn as I grew up, very conflict-averse. But the difference between low-value and high-value communicators is what they do in these tense moments. So today, we're gonna break down the science of conflict and how to allow you to resolve it quickly so that you could do it in a high-value way. Conflict isn't just about issues. It's about emotions. In fact, John Gottman's research shows that 69 % of conflicts in relationships are perpetual, meaning they never get solved. But resolution depends on how people handle them, not whether or not they eliminate them.

2:54And that's why it's so important to shift from a me versus you mindset to the high value frame, which is us versus the problem. And studies from Google's Project Aristotle show that high performing teams resolve conflict by fostering trust and safety, not by avoiding disagreements. So let's go ahead with the high value conflict framework. I want to set this up by stating that these are for the everyday conflicts that happen in a work environment. These conflicts need to be dealt with early before they get difficult and box you in and you have no more chess moves to make. These are not for conflicts that are going to need days, hours, weeks, and a lot of work to get through.

3:43I will say that this framework works just fine for those as well. However, because those are incredibly complex, there's a lot more working parts. So number one is to lead with value. We're looking for a win-win scenario for both parties all the time. and in order for the other person to understand that, you have to show them that through your body language, through your tonality and your words, that is what you're looking for. In fact, you might even say, hey, I'm glad you were able to make this meeting. I know that we have a few things going on, but at the end of the day, I just want to make sure that both of us leave this office feeling good about moving forward.

4:28This disarms defensiveness. If you show up hostile, the conflict doubles. If you show up as high value, the conflict calms before words are even spoken. So number two of the framework is the high value person or whoever is taking lead, they're going to accept responsibility for the situation. But here's what's interesting and the unique piece of this, the nuance. months. You're not taking responsibility for anything blowing up, dying, failing, but what you are taking responsibility for is that anything that could have helped make a better outcome. So perhaps it was talking to a teammate earlier and going over things so they would be better prepared for a meeting.

5:17You can easily do that. So taking responsibility for something else that is contributing to the problem helps you gain control. High-value people want to control their situations, so they will always look for ways to accept responsibility. Low-value people will go out of their way to give up responsibility so that they can always point the finger. So taking the responsibility gives you ownership, but also can control over how the conflict resolution will play out. The other thing that is interesting about this is watching what the other person does when you accept responsibility. Do they look to take responsibility for something in their own area or do they point the finger at you and say, oh, I'm glad that you decided to do that.

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8:52So example could be, oh, I should have clarified expectations sooner. By taking that small amount of responsibility to start early in the conflict, you're setting the tone that it's okay for both of us to take responsibility and move forward from this conflict. So in the end of step two, understand that owning responsibility signals strength, but also gives you strength and not weakness. Step three is empathy. Showing the other person that you feel the situation or see the situation as they do. Putting yourself in their shoes, repeating back to them their situation. this allows them to feel seen and heard and again helps them drop their guard and with a combination of team language replacing you and me to we helps move things along and also creates the illusion that you are working together on the options that will remedy the whole thing.

10:00So using phrases like, I understand that we've ended up in this mess, but I know together we will figure something out that both of us will be incredibly happy with when we finish this meeting today. And research shows that framing conflict as collaboration increases not only the quality of the solutions, but long-term trust. So in these work relationships, in these personal relationships where you want to maintain them well after this conflict, using collaboration as the frame is the most powerful way to keep that long-term trust. And step four is to present options and not ultimatums. If you've accepted responsibility and you've led through these steps, it's up to you then to lay out the options for the other person to present.

10:52I've seen this done a million ways. And it's so funny. Typical analytical folks, nice guys or team players, right? People who are trying to do the right thing, they get all the way to this point and then they ask the other person for options. That other person, you've just, the best part of this framework is that you are getting agreement with every step. So when you show up and lead with value, letting them know that you want a win-win for all parties involved, they're going to agree with you. When you take responsibility for anything that was possibly led up to the problem, again, they're going to see you take that responsibility and agree with you and feel good about that.

11:38When you show empathy for their position, how they feel and see the situation. They're going to feel very good agreeing with you and your assumptions. They're going to agree with the win-win using the team language. Now it is up to you to present the options. And this is my favorite part because before having a meeting, you want to think about what conclusions would you be happy with and the other person be happy with. Put two or three together and present them. The best part is they will take responsibility for choosing and feel good that they chose how this ended. But ultimately, you put it all together.

12:27It doesn't matter what they chose. And when resolved well, conflict deepens trust because it actually shows resilience in that relationship. A relationship that never faces conflict isn't strong. It's actually quite shallow. And step five is to lay out the options, not ultimatums. Now that you've gained compliance through all the other steps, it's up to you to lay out the options towards a resolution. And a word of advice, I've seen people go through all of the hard parts, gaining compliance on responsibility and showing empathy with the other person nodding along only to give up their power on the closing part of this.

13:04Don't do this. It slows down any positive momentum that you've created and you give up your power to the other person. Asking the other person how they think this should be handled always ends up with you getting shafted. So when it comes to the options, you think of two or three that you feel good about and then let them pick the one they feel best about. This does two things. It creates ownership for them. Great. They're choosing the resolution and buy in. Right. Because ultimately they've picked it. while ultimately giving you what you want because you've created the options to choose from.

13:41And this is one of our favorite implementation sessions in all of our training, because not only is our training about building great relationships, but in order to maintain relationships, you have to be able to manage conflict. And I'll never forget Marcus after this session. He's a consultant at BCG at the time, and he said he had done countless trainings, corporate trainings on how to manage conflict and learned some of these concepts, but never in this framework to put them all together and still found himself in conflicts flat-footed. He used this exact framework a couple of weeks after the training and wrote back to us that not only did it go well, but the team now is turning to him to solve more conflicts.

14:27So once you showcase that you can actually manage conflicts and certainly under intense amounts of pressure like a management consultant, well, you become that go-to person and you grow your influence. That's why Conflict Handled Right is your ticket to influence. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict costs you influence. But mastering it turns you into a person that people trust when things get tough. Now, if you want to practice these skills in real time with live feedback, join us inside the X Factor Accelerator. That's where we run Persuasion Triggers Implementation Sessions, where you'll learn to diffuse tension, turn arguments into opportunities, and lead through conflict.

15:08You can apply today at unlockyourxfactor.com.

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