Why Trying is Ruining You | Carla Ondrasik

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1:33A lot of times we wait for the motivation first. Everyone's like, well, I'm trying to do that, but I'm just, I'm waiting to feel motivated to do it. I'm waiting for the right time. But it's the opposite. Action is first. You do the thing and then you're motivated to keep doing it and do the next thing.

2:02Johnny:All right, let's kick off today's show. Today we're talking with Carla Andrasik, former VP of Creative Writer Development at EMI and author of Stop Trying, How Language Creates Failure and What to Do Instead. Are you stuck in an endless loop of I'll try, putting off the doctor's appointment, the career move, or maybe the difficult conversation? In this episode, Carla reveals how the word try has become your permission slip to procrastinate, make excuses, and avoid accountability. She shares why I'll try is procrastination in disguise, how changing one word rewires your brain, the real power of saying no, and how CEOs avoid try to achieve more.

2:43Johnny:Welcome to the show, Carla. It's great to have you. Thank you. Great to be here. I have to say, when we received the book, we were super excited to dig in, as I know many of our audience members, as well as myself, struggle with procrastination. And the absolute worst thing that we could do for ourselves is to say, I'll try. How did this project come together for you? Wow. OK, so how did how did this project come together is it's my life, basically. It takes a whole life to learn this kind of a lesson. And I was raised a gambler's daughter on Long Island, New York. And, you know, sometimes things got a little fluid and you had to sink or swim.

3:27And you really learn that that half-hearted effort of like trying to get through something isn't going to cut it. So from a very young age, I was just thrown into the deep end of the ocean, is how I like to say it. And you figure it out. And that's a mentality. It's a mindset that is so strong. And I use that in, I mean, I was in college at 16. I worked for the Department of Defense. I ended up in the music business in publishing for 25 years, working with recording artists and placing, you know, a lot of songs, hit songs on the radio, discovering artists. And my final position was vice president of creative writer development for EMI, which at the time was the biggest publishing company in the world.

4:17And, you know, there's a lot of doing that, that you have to do to get there. And, um, so trying has just been a trigger word for me when I hear it, like my brain wants to explode. I want to just, if I hear someone say it, I want to just jump in front of them and say, no, no, no, don't, don't try. Um, so that's how this whole thing kind of came about and nobody else wrote the book. I kept waiting. Like someone's going to highlight and shine a spotlight on this word and how deceptive it is and how it holds us back. Nobody did. Yoda kind of hinted at it, you know, do or not do. There is no try. And everybody has that, you know, millions of people have the posters of the cute little guy, but no one really stopped to say, why?

5:05Why did he say that? What's behind that? So here I am. I'm like the chosen one.

5:12Johnny:We're huge fans of the impact of language. And many of us don't understand the words that we choose influence our behaviors. And you argue that try equals procrastination. What's going on internally when we use try? You are fooling yourself. So the brain, it can't tell the difference between when you're actually doing something or just talking about it in a way. So when, say you're at a party, you know, the annual Christmas party, or you meet somebody in a restaurant for the first time, you know, it's a friend of a friend and they're standing, they're saying to you, well, I'm trying to write a book and I'm trying to start my podcast.

5:51And I've been trying to figure out where to, you know, move within Miami, Florida. that what's happening in their brain is they're getting these hits of dopamine and serotonin and adrenaline because it feels really good they're talking about all these things they're trying to do but that lasts a very short time because the next year when you're at the party and that person comes up to you and says how's that book you're writing how's the podcast going you know and you've got nothing to show for it. Then that turns to, you know, negative self-talk. Wow, I'm a loser. I'm lazy. I'm weak. It's not going to happen or regret.

6:31So, you know, in the moment, our brain is fooling us when we're talking about it and thinking about it, wondering about it, all the great things that we want to try to do. And that's very dangerous because for some people, that's enough for some people. They're the one that's going to come to that party every year and tell you all their grand plans of what they're trying to do. And if you notice the people that are doing, they're not talking about it. They're busy. They're busy doing.

7:02Johnny:And you call them try babies, how they complain and they keep saying they're going to do these things, but there's really no change happening. It actually makes me less interested in investing more in a relationship less trusting of this person and their efforts and what they actually say, if they mean it, if they're going to follow through. And in losing that trust, it fractures the relationship. A tri-baby, we don't want to invest too much in them. They want our sympathy and our empathy and our agreement. But there's a really good way to deal with somebody like that. This is the way I would choose to deal with someone that's, you know, the continual family member or friend that's just complaining about all the things they're trying to do, but nothing's happening, is you can ask them.

7:52You can say, oh my gosh, I can see that you're so frustrated. I can see that you want a nicer car. I can see that you don't feel respected at your job and you want a better job. So what are you doing to change that? Oh my God, just the question alone. They're like, well, maybe I'm not doing anything to change that. Maybe all I'm doing is complaining about it. So what are you doing? How can I help you? Is there something I can do to help you, right? Make suggestions. Well, there's a great book right now that I just read or a great podcast you can watch. These guys, The Art of Charm, they are amazing.

8:28You can start doing that. That's how you deal with a try baby. Because the problem isn't that you aren't trying hard enough. I would take my kids to the bus every morning and I'd see this guy and he had huge headphones on, like giant headphones. And he would just walk around the park, slowly walk around the park. And I always was so curious, like, what's he listening to? Is he listening to my husband, Fiverr Fighting? You know, is he, what's he listening to? And I could never interrupt him because he was deep in his listening. And so one day the headphones were off and he was like fiddling with them.

9:06And I'm like, this is my chance. So I went up to him and I'm like, so what are you? I'm so curious. I see you. What are you listening to? He goes, well, I'm listening to a lot of motivational talks and these great podcasts. And, um, I have a hard time following up on things. There's so much I'm trying to do. And when I hear that word, like I literally am so triggered. So I said, this is what I said to this total stranger. Tell me one thing you're trying to do. And he said, you know, I'm trying to get back into swimming. We have a new pool at the YMCA. I need to get, you know, physical again. And he had all of his reasons.

9:49It was beautiful. And I looked at him and I said, why don't you stop trying to go swim and go swim? And that was it. He's like, thank you. Headphones on, walked away. I'm like, I'm never going to see this guy again. Like I have ruined this park. He's going to have to go find a new park because I'm crazy. 24 hours later, same 7 a.m. kids get on the bus. There's a maniac across the street, across from the park. I did it. I swam. I didn't try. Okay. And what he showed me was that's the trying process, studying, making the list, thinking about, worrying about, talking about, wondering about, researching.

10:39But what wasn't he doing? Swimming, right? He wasn't doing it. And that guy, he's still swimming. He changed his life. He quit his job. He's not trying anymore. I feel like that example is such a great example of for all of us. If you think of something you're trying to do, what's your process? What what are you doing?

11:05Johnny:What's a powerful way to look at it is it's a fear response. When we're trying, it actually not only stops you from taking action, but it allows those internal fears to control you. Maybe that fear is facing some anxiety of going to the event where you don't know anyone. So it's just easier to say, I'll try to make it instead of committing and saying, I'll be there. So there's the reputational damage, but it's also letting your fears rule your emotions and your behaviors. We're so afraid of saying, OK, I'm going to do this. I'm going in. I'm going for it because we're afraid. What are people going to think of us if we do that?

11:41What if we fail? Will we be look? Will we look foolish? Right. We are so afraid of change. We're afraid of success. You know, fear is huge. I have embraced fear, this whole process of writing this book. You know, I've never done it. I'm a behind the scenes star maker. I will make your dreams come true. I'll get your song on the radio. I'll get you the record deal. I will sell your paintings, okay? But me out front is not a comfortable place for me. so I have had to really conquer that fear and um and if I fail you know the last thing anybody's going to do is make fun of me I feel like they're gonna really be proud of me and support my efforts I'm not worried about what anybody thinks and usually what we think they're going to feel is not true you know I think it's very brave to to throw your immerse yourself into something and say, I'm doing this, you know, and then you, and if you fail, you still get to walk away with these incredible feelings of, of satisfaction and confidence and pride in yourself and self-esteem.

12:58So when we just try and we say, well, I'll try to do that. And then we, we don't because trying isn't really an action. It's just thinking about something and dipping our toe in the water and not giving it a full effort. You, you really, you don't walk away with that pride of knowing you gave it your best. You did it all.

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15:31Johnny:$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to$15 per month. New customers on a first three month only plan. Speed slower above 40 gigs on an unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. The reputational hit of being someone who's a trier when it's trying to fix a relationship, trying to show up for someone, trying to make their event. We don't think about it because, again, to your point, it feels good to say, I'll try to be there. I'm trying this. I'm trying that. And we get that emotional lift from all those neurochemicals firing. But on the receiving end of that and the impact it has long term to your relationships is incredibly damaging.

16:13Johnny:And you might be completely blind to it by avoiding saying no, trying to be the good person, trying to be polite, trying to fix the relationship instead of taking the bull by the horns. There's so many reasons why we try in the first place. You know, first of all, it's not our fault. We all do it because we're taught to try from a very young age. Try harder, try your best, try, give it a try. So, you know, that's why we really need to talk about this and bring it to a conscious level. But, but one of the reasons that we say we'll try is because we don't want to be the bad guy. We have a hard time saying no.

16:53Women especially have a hard time saying no. So we say, yeah, I'll try to come to your fundraiser. When you, you already know, like, meh, cringy, not into that thing. So, so a couple of things happen. Well, yeah, on Friday night, when you said you'd go to their fundraiser, you get home and you're exhausted. It's the last thing you want to do is to get dressed again and get in the car and go somewhere. So you say to yourself, I only said I try to go so I don't have to go. But in your brain, you're like, oh, I said I would go. I could go. I should go. Now I'm going to run into the next week. And what am I going to say?

17:34And so you're ruining your night when if you would have just said in that moment, you know what? Thank you. Thank you for the invite. But I already know it's a busy week. And I'm just you don't even have to lie. Just be honest. I'm not going to I know I'm going to be tired and I'm not going to want to go. Please keep inviting me to the next one. I really appreciate it. And so you get to have a great night. And the other person isn't looking at the door, you know, holding things up for 15 minutes. You know, didn't save you a seat next to them because you would try to come. So there's the expectation you might show up.

18:10So it really messes everything up. And we think that it's kinder and nicer to say, I'll try to come, that we're being kind and, you know, but the kind thing is to say no and show them, wow, when she says she's going to be there, she shows up. When he says he's not coming, I respect and appreciate that. Like there's a credibility there. And so that is a huge reason. And in the book, I have an exercise where we have to practice saying, no, I'm a champion. And, you know, it may sting in the moment when someone says no to you. You know, I have my I have kids. I have two kids, 24 and 25 now, and I still say no to them.

18:56It's like, you know, no, that's not going to happen. But I'm not tricking them or fooling them by saying, OK, I'm going to try to do it and then letting them down and disappointing them. so we do this in in all of our relationships well i hope for the people that are listen to this podcast or read your book uh become triggered by that word as well because even just in in hearing this um i just can't help but i keep giggling and laughing because as an entrepreneur you learn we've been doing this for 18 years so you learn very early that people who say they're trying to do things never get anything done so those people and because of the that word and it's triggering those people don't get any chance to enter my life and of course this is the and we do not tolerate that language from our clients when we're having our sessions because we know it equals no action.

19:59And so in trying to remove that word from yourself, audience, you'll begin to start hearing it from everyone around you. Don't try to remove the word. Remove the word, you know. You know, imagine like you guys couldn't run this business if I said, if all of your guests said, we'll try to be there. I'll try to show up at eight o 'clock, right? I would never respond to them ever again. It wouldn't work. And in business, like if you guys say to yourself, let's try to increase our viewership, let's try to expand, you know, our podcast, what that what you're saying to each other would be it's an option.

20:42It's optional. We'll try to do it. It's an option. And by the way, we may fail at it. The minute you say try, you are building in the expectation and the possibility that you may fail. And this is really important to say right now, because for anybody that's listening, just because you don't try, just because you eliminate that word and say, I'm not going to try, I'm doing this, it doesn't guarantee success. Nope. But it guarantees you a better chance at success. That's what we need. It will direct you more onto the path of getting something done than just hanging out in the tri-zone. Do you want to do the tri-test?

21:24Johnny:Yes. Okay, ready? Okay, so both of you hold up a finger in front of you. I'm going to give you three directions. Okay, the first direction is touch your nose. Beautiful. Okay, put your finger back. Okay. Second direction, do not touch your nose. Okay, so perfect. Now the third direction, we've already touched our nose and we're not touched our nose. Let me see you try to touch your nose.

21:59Okay, so does that feel awkward?

22:03Johnny:Absolutely. And frustrating and confusing, right? Your brain acts exactly the same way. It doesn't know what to do when you tell it to try. We don't realize the impact our own words have on our thoughts and our beliefs about ourselves. And if you say, I'm doing this, I am a runner versus I'm trying to run a marathon. I am outgoing versus I'm trying to be more outgoing. The simple act of tying an action to your identity, it makes you feel more confident in taking that action. by saying you're going to try to do this, you're going to try to do that, I'm going to try to do this. You're actually letting yourself off the hook from the valuable action that gets you closer to those goals.

22:47I'm going to read a quote that I love. It's Tony Robbins. Okay. And it's, if you talk about it, it's a dream talking about it. It's a dream. If you can envision it, it's possible. If you schedule it, it's real. Okay. So the minute you do something that's definitive, it becomes real. Have you ever heard of the Zygarnik effect? I think we pronounce it differently. How do you say it? The Zygarnik effect. We just had an episode on it. Yes. Oh, okay, great. So it's the open loops, right? Yes. So so all those unfinished things, it's like, you know, powering up your whole house with the air conditioning.

23:31Every big screen TV is on. Every light is on. And all that energy is going, going because your brain just wants to close the loop and it's exhausting. And then we just don't even have any energy to do anything. But the minute you do complete something, now you have more bandwidth to get something done. And it encourages you to want to do the next thing because you have a sense now of calm and you've completed that one thing, which it's amazing. Like when you do one little thing, like cleaning out your glove compartment in your car, when you finally say, I'm not going to try to do it, I'm doing it today.

24:07It takes maybe eight minutes because everything's garbage. You just throw it away and now it's clean. It's so much easier than you thought it was going to be. So you get it done and you're like, wow, that feels so good. Even a little silly thing like that, just cleaning out a junk drawer. You're like, wow, now I want to go do something else because I want that feeling again. And that was so easy. I'm going to do the next thing. A lot of times we wait for the motivation first. You know, everyone's like, well, I'm trying to do that, but I'm just I'm waiting, you know, to feel motivated to do it.

24:45I'm waiting for the right time. But it's the opposite. Action is first. You do the thing. And then you're motivated to keep doing it and do the next thing.