You’re Listening Wrong: Why Charisma Is About What You Feel, Not What You Say [Social Intelligence Brief]

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1:15Today we're revealing a skill we call conversation radar, and how learning to feel what someone isn't saying is the real secret to being unforgettable. Now, most people already sense subtle emotional cues in conversation. It is an innate ability we all have. Unfortunately, we've lost our ability to tap into it in those high stress moments where we are trying to be most charismatic. And sometimes we've been trained to even override those signals in conversation. But charisma is not a bag of techniques. It's actually instinctive presence.

1:58AJ, I'd even argue that the technology that surrounds us all works towards diminishing our empathy and our ability to read those cues. So another reason why this radar is so important to hone in, tune in, and turn on. And it's important to our survival. Effective neuroscience shows that our nervous system is constantly scanning for emotional safety and intention through tone, body language, and micro expressions, all unconsciously. And research has also shown that emotional contagion, which we've talked about on the show, confirms that humans actually sync up physiologically during conversations.

2:40So what's going on behind the scenes is you have this radar already. You just probably have tuned it out because you've been focused more on the words and what to say and how to appear charismatic instead of recognizing that when we tune into this skill, we actually become more charismatic. Now, conversation isn't about exchanging information. It's about reading the frequency beneath the words that are being shared. Most people operate on what we call channel one, which is just words. They focus on the words. In fact, some of our coaching clients will come to us at the very beginning of starting their X Factor accelerator journey saying, what do I say in this moment?

3:17What do I say in this context? What do I say during this experience? When in actuality, charismatic communicators focus on what we call channel two, the tone, the tension, the timing, and what's unsaid. And this reminds me of one of our recent clients, Clint, who joined the X Factor Accelerator, was really struggling on first dates, was matching up with people online, going on first dates, and often finding them pretty boring and lacking in that spark. He came to us saying, I've read a lot. I've tried to watch YouTube videos. I'm saying all the right things. But that was the problem. Being focused on himself actually robbed him of this conversation radar, which would make him more charismatic.

3:59So through our implementation sessions, we focused on recognizing these nine social signals and allowing him to start noticing those emotional cues, the tone, what's unsaid that's underlying all communication. Now, fast forward a few months later, he wrote us to say that he was loving his new dating life, not only getting more second dates, but having fun on first dates again, instead of leaving, kicking himself, wondering why didn't that go as well as planned? The most important piece to this is flipping our mindset from going from I need better lines to I need to trust my radar. And so there's a little bit of a leap of faith there, because if trusting your radar is new to you, you're going to be terrified.

4:50And let me give you an example from my own life of dialing this in. I remember this was quite some time ago, and this is when dating apps became a big thing. We're talking 2013, 2014. 14. And of course I was living in Los Angeles and I was experimenting and Hey, I was doing a lot of dating for you guys for content for this show. It wasn't, it had nothing to do with me guys. Sure. Anyway, um, there was two, there was two ways of showing up for those dates was one. I could do research on who my date was, go through her social, her social media, find out things that she liked, find talking points and start building how the date will go.

5:39And all of my conversational topics, right? That's, I need good lines. I need better lines. I need things to say. And I remember that those dates were awkward, clumsy. They never went well. They felt forced. They were horrible for both people involved. And so I wanted to experiment. What if it was, there is no, I'm doing any research. I'm not going to find out any information. I'm just going to go ahead, book this date and trust my radar, tune in to the emotional bids and cues that I need to, to elevate conversation, create moments, and challenge assumptions. And those dates were amazing. They were so fun.

6:35I couldn't believe the conversations we were having and where they were going. And I had a longtime girlfriend from those dates as well. And I specifically remember we talked immediately on those dates about religion and politics, two things that you're told to stay away from. And we had such a blast talking about those that we couldn't wait for our next date to continue our conversations. Why? As I said, because moments were created. Conversation was elevated. That's trusting your radar. If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. That's Mint Mobile's whole thing.

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9:12Go to quince.com slash charm for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash charm. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash charm. And what's funny is this radar is in your professional life, your social life, and we've talked about your romantic life, but it reminds me of one of our very first clients. So we launched X Factor Accelerators like six years ago and we were going around the initial group meeting talking about what our goals were and why everyone joined. And we got to Ty and Ty was like, well, things are going really well in my career and I have a great social circle.

9:56All my friends, my hometown friends are still around. We hang out all the time, but I'm here because my wife says I don't listen. And I know I listen. I listened to everything that she's saying, the words, channel one. But what he was not listening to was channel two. And that's the tone. What's unsaid? What's going on behind the scenes? And he was not tapping into his conversational radar. And it was causing a lot of tension and pressure in his relationship. So it's not just in dating. And we see this even in networking. Those who could tune in to the unsaid, they don't just hear the words, but they sense what you need before you need it.

10:34Well, they do more business, they close more deals, they get promoted, they move ahead in their career faster. Now, what we're talking about scientifically is the theory of mind and mirror neurons. What's going on is the ability to anticipate needs in conversation and tune into it actually creates that deeper connection fast. This leads to empathic accuracy, where now we're actually honing our empathy in a way that we're tuned into exactly what's going on with that person. We're not second guessing. We're not assuming the worst or the wrong thing. And it's actually the number one predictor of likability and trust.

11:13So let's break down these two channels because channel two is the signal that everyone seems to miss. Channel one is the words. We like to call this what nice guys hear. They focus so much on just people pleasing and saying the things that they think will make the other person feel good. And unfortunately, that's a trap that actually causes disconnection. It makes you seem disingenuous, inauthentic, and ultimately repels people from connecting with you. Channel two is what we call the frequency. And that's what magnetic people feel. It's tuning into the emotions that are going on in the conversation around you, recognizing those emotions and then reflecting those emotions back.

11:58And people are leaking their emotional state constantly. You've just stopped noticing. AJ, I want to say that there's an actual study that was done on this, that people reveal identity markers every 30 to 60 seconds in conversation. So you're getting these cues constantly. So this is very important. why this radar needs to be developed. Absolutely. And high performers in sales who actually close 10 times more deals, they tune in exactly to this. It's not about give me the script. It's not about handle the objection. It's not about say this perfect thing at the perfect time. Instead, it's about reading people, recognizing what are those markers that they're sharing with us that are leaking out, even if they don't mean to unconsciously, and then reacting and tuning into them so that we can foster that deeper connection.

12:58Every great salesperson will tell you that when they're having fun doing sales, they're killing it. They're knocking it out. And the people on the other side of that line, they're excited because they're getting what they want and they're being helped. And that conversation was exciting. But when you're trying to follow a script and you're being very pragmatic about it, the other person can feel that. And any emotion or energy that you're trying to create in order to lead to that cell is stifled throughout that pragmatic approach. Exactly. When you stop reacting to words and you actually start responding to energy, everything shifts and it becomes easier, whether it's closing deals, creating connection or having a great first date.

13:51And people don't remember conversations or the words that you're saying. They simply remember how they felt and they want to feel understood. As humans, we all crave validation. We all crave the other person understanding us. And when we don't get that, we don't feel good. We don't leave a great impression. That other person doesn't want to spend more time with us, whether it's in a business setting or in a romantic setting. And this is why charm just feels so rare these days, because real attunement is rare. Everyone else is so focused on their notifications, what's going on on their phone, Slack, what are their to-dos, what's going on behind the scenes.

14:36and they're missing these key moments of being present and really tuning in in conversation, you become magnetic, not when you speak well, but when others feel seen by you. So in your next conversation, I want you to pause and ask yourself, what's the real thing that they're trying to say? As Johnny said, those identity markers are leaking out every 30 to 60 seconds. So if you're paying attention, you're gonna start to hear what they're really trying to say. listen to those emotional pings. Mismatched tone, trailing off, sudden energy dips. Those are moments where you need to be extra curious to hear what's going on there and dig a little bit deeper.

15:20Now we have something special to share today. In the past, the only way that you could get this conversation radar technique from us was in our X-Factor accelerator. But if you're tired of surface level small talk and forgettable connections, Conversation Radar is your next step. We created a full training to teach you this sixth sense. You'll learn to spot emotional cues and tune in to what others need and build trust fast at work, in dating, and even with your family. Go to theartofcharm.com slash radar and join today. We'll show you how to turn everyday conversations into those magnetic moments.

15:56Check it out at theartofcharm.com slash radar.

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