You’ve Been Lied To About Growth | Howard Falco

27:34I am trustworthy. And then it's up to you to live that out. And then you get the next moments to do it. And it's a repeating cycle until you actually become it and have and enjoy the fruits and the results of that new energy going forward. But it's a process of disconnecting from the old story and being willing to write a new one. For a lot of our audience members and certainly our clients too, who love their analytical brains and love getting in there with logic and facts and data to solve the problems in their life. I think one of the big stumbling blocks or frustrations is that they logically understand and this makes complete sense.

28:15But then there are these like hidden hooks and clasps that still keep them in that old identity, even though they can do all of the mental work required logistically to get there. There's still the behaviors and actions that are not following along with this new identity that they are, I am becoming. So what are some of those traps that we're falling into that we might not realize that we can't logic our way out of? The ego loves the known because the known equals survival. And so the old identity was what was known. I don't know who I'm going to be being this version. I don't trust it yet. I don't have enough faith in it yet.

28:52I know intellectually it's going to bring me joy, but I don't even know what joy is. I don't know what real love is. Many, many, many millions of people don't. It's actually amazing. And so it's about being willing to go out on that frontier of the unknown and trust that what you don't know that becomes known will be positive for you in your journey. So it really comes down to the F word, really, which is faith. You have to have faith to know that just like every other thought and idea that you've had that life has served, life will serve this new identity and this new idea and this new energy if you give it enough time.

29:31You can't plant a seed in the ground and two days later dig for fruit. You have to plant the new seed. You have to nurture it. You have to make sure it's getting the right conditions. And when it plucks its head above the soil and encompasses the first storm, you have to bend with the storm and not break and continue to go until you bear fruit. But this is how life works. And if the brain can accept, if the mind can accept that this is the way it works for everything in our existence, I don't care what it is, it's gone through this process. And millions of people who've gone through this and had transformation and change, then it comes down to will.

30:08and one thing you cannot push on another human being is will they have to have a certain level of it and that's how everybody paces their own experience of time some people are very stubborn and just have a higher threshold of pain tolerance to go longer in it other people are like i'm so glad i got this insight and this info i'm ready to get out of this now and then the third component that I'll add to this that can help as a tool, the teacher, the more you can fully embrace this optimism and this energy and convey it through your eyes and your being, it has a profound effect and it helps them with that faith that they need because they're feeling it from you and they're feeling that energy.

30:57And it's very helpful to somebody who now trusts. And plus, you know, when you don't look at them with any judgmental eyes, that really helps crease the wheel. So those are some of the things, you know, in putting Invincible out. You know, I hope that so many of the teachers and people that do this work really have these transformations that they can then light up so many people with it. Because that's really what does it.

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33:55French toast nibblers or breakfast nachos? Actually, I was thinking about heading out only because I want to beat the traffic. The best part of the sleepover is the next day. I was going to throw the games on. Bobby Big Wheels. I mean, how can you call yourself a sports fan without Xfinity? We got the multi-view. You're the best college and pro games all in one place. I'm not going anywhere. This is how football was meant to be watched. Xfinity. Imagine that. Restrictions apply. MultiView requires Xfinity 4K capable TV box. What is key there that you pointed out is this ego's comfort in the past.

34:25And I think another component of this, and certainly in the work that we do around building relationships and socialization, is the impact of everyone else's ego around you. and who you are. And then the discomfort in others ego when you start to really work on change, you know, when you've been pessimistic, and now you're bringing in optimism, or when you've been struggling in the past, and then rationalizing it as you know, I'm just introverted, or I lack confidence, the people in your life, their egos have adjusted to that state of being for you, and reflect it back to you. And once you start to change, you actually encounter a lot of resistance from people in your life that you care about, that you thought cared about you.

35:10Walk us through, you know, what you say to your clients who, even the execs who, you know, their team has been conditioned to believe that they're only capable of certain things or viewing the world a certain way based on behaviors. And now their team is giving them resistance to this change that they're trying to bring. And that's what makes a great leader, right? Somebody that can bust through the old paradigm and the old way of thinking and really lead people into a new idea of something that's possible. That's what makes so many great people, whether it's in companies or just in the world.

35:42Step seven is mastering the challenges and negativity, how to conquer the tests and traps of life. And one of those traps is other people when you change. It's like if the sun changed its vibrational energy, all the other planets would be completely out of whack, right? And have to reorbit in some way or eject from the solar system, one of the two. And that's really what it is, that people are either going to retune to the new you or they're going to eject. That's up to them. You have to be so strong in your belief that the path that you're on is the best service to you and your mindset and your well-being that it's more important than anything else.

36:23Now, the one person in your life that it's really helpful to really spend time communicating and getting on the same page with and helping them realize this isn't a threat is the companion that you chose for life. Because that is your partner, if you have one, that you're going through life with. And so I will say it is important to make sure that there's extra time given in that relationship. But really, outside of that agreed upon connection and partnership, everything else is, you know, this is who I am. I'm doing this for the benefit of me. And, you know, I've experienced this so much in life.

37:04It's unbelievable. you have to let them be who they want to be but you have to want happiness and empowerment and a state of mind of peace and clarity above everything else because they will try and grab you by the shirt collar and yank you back and they will use every gaslighting triggering because they're worried, they're nervous not only are you changing and I don't know who you are but what you're changing too is reflecting more on me than what I'm not ready to see and that can be difficult. That can be difficult for them. So you have to be really prepared to go through the process. But again, that's why this work and what you guys do for people is so precious, right?

37:46It's like not many people in the world, it's shocking how many don't know this type of material exists. But when you look at top athletes in the world, top entrepreneurs, people in unbelievable relations, people that have been successful, and if you were able to dissect the way they think, you would see it. You would see the unlimited, relentless optimism. We always talk about how, you know, the mindset piece is the iceberg under the water. So the skills, the strategies, the hacks, the tricks, you know, the stuff that people seek out to solve their problems is that piece of ice floating above the water.

38:22But when you look at the top performers, when you look at the execs, when you look at the people that you really look up to, more effort is being spent on mindset than any one of those strategies. The strategies are great to have, but they are completely useless with the wrong mindsets and with limiting beliefs, guilt, shame, embarrassment, running your behavior. But the real work is challenging in that regard. It's a lot easier to implement a strategy or a hack and not face the failure and not face the people in your life holding you back or pulling you by the shirt collar. It's a lot harder to wrestle with yourself, find that identity, recognize that the way you're showing up in the world was not only impacting you, but impacting relationships around you, attracting the wrong people to you, and then resetting yourself and that identity.

39:11And then all the relationships that stem from that identity and being willing to walk away from some people, double down on some relationships now that are changing and growing with you. That's where the real heavy lifting is happening. and unfortunately in the social media world where it's a 60 second clip and it's a fun image of all the great things you can do, we're missing this really hard work that goes into the success that we're really after around. I look at it as like a gardener going in your mind and looking at what are the weeds that need to be pulled and how are you minding that garden every single day to reach the goals that you have for yourself.

39:50And that's why it comes down to how bad you really want it, right? Because hard or easy is, and I understand what you're saying, AJ, completely. But I also want to point out that hard or easy is subjective. You know, I could use the sports example. How hard was it for Michael Phelps to get up at 3.30 in the morning and swim, you know, 50 laps in the pool to prepare for the Olympics versus a regular person trying to do that? You know, it's near impossible. That's impossible. But yet for him, it was part of who he is. So he just did it. So hard, while it's a term, he gave less weight to that hard than anybody else would because of his intent.

40:30And so it's the same thing with people wanting to go through the process. If you've got something special and sacred to offer them as far as a path, then, you know, the first vetting process on someone is, hey, you better be ready because we're going to get you there. but you have to really want it and you're going to be put to that test to see how badly you want it. So that's the, I know people, when they come to see me, all bets are off. I know I have full permission and, you know, they either, you know, are going to come back a lot or I'll never see them again, you know, but, but at least in that moment, when they show up, I know they're ready for what I'm about to give them.

41:06Um, so yeah, it's going to change things. It's going to upset the apple carp. It's going to be the unknown, but no transformation or expansion ever comes without that trepidation and that anxiousness and that uncertainty. It's part of the growth process every time we've ever done anything. And you can think of things in your life. The first time you drove a car, first time you kissed a girl or kissed a boy, the first time you went into a job interview, how nervous you were. I mean, it's endless, right? But these are all parts of these expansions. And this one, I'm so biased on this, I'm sorry, but this is the greatest expansion because this gives you more of the creative power of life.

41:47And it's such a blessing. It's such an amazing insight to have. You used the Michael Phelps analogy, right? So he's got to go up. He's got to get up. He's got to swim every day. There is so many of us that can do his routine, but you're never going to be able to do it to his level and reap the rewards that he has unless there is an internal mind shift that comes with that. And I think that mind shift, I want to believe that most people understand how valuable it is because that's why we have info junkies. These are the people who just listen to podcast after podcast about doing something they would love to be doing, but yet refuse to get started on it.

42:32You know, one day I'm going to wake up and I'm going to decide it's time to start swimming 50 laps every day in order to get in shape. it doesn't happen that way it it happens by you doing the work going and doing it and eventually your brain starts to wrap around uh what that is doing to the body every day and it begins to uh to re-engineer pathways in the brain to give you a better outlook on it i i know for myself and i you know aj was there uh with me while we were living in la but i went to the gym every day and there was days and seasons where it was two a days and I hated it. I hated every moment of it, but somewhere along the line, a new pathway had opened up and reconnected to where now I can't imagine not going to the gym in the morning.

43:27In fact, I am excited for it. And because I'm excited for it, I get, I get more out of it. And it's not by reading more workout, uh, pamphlets and workout videos. It's by going and doing the work and allowing the body and brain to, I guess, synergize with each other of what the body is doing and then the brain reworking it of, this is how you're going to do this at a high level. And that takes time for the brain to figure that out. But it's not going to figure it out by being an info junkie. It's going to figure it out by you doing the work and manually repairing and rearranging those pathways.

44:05You have to be okay with vulnerability. you have to be okay being exposed so that you can learn when you're stepping into something new that feels uncomfortable but that's really well said that's right the mind is so geared for the comfort zone at times that when you go out there it's like why am i putting myself i can i can slink right back to where i was but it's that push through that separates you from 99.9999 % of all other people and if you really want it you will go through it i'll never forget some of the stretches in my life especially in writing you know just it's unbelievable the crippling nature of fear that can overcome you when you're in the you know it's gonna you're gonna be vulnerable it's gonna be stretched you're gonna get feedback you know um it's it's incredible but for those that do it and that the the rewards and the fruits are there that's what's exciting for a lot of high performers this doing piece is also tied to proving to others and not to being themselves and i think that's where a lot of that struggle that internal turmoil comes in you know how do we make that shift from like i'm doing this to prove it to my parents or to prove to this person who said i couldn't do it.

45:22And I'm just pushing and pushing and pushing versus I'm actually being like this is who I am, not because of anyone else shaping who I am, but actually taking that control. And we see this with a lot of our clients who are high achievers, but they have this link to their achievement and proving it to others and healing some wound in the past, but it doesn't become being. And then they still lack that confidence and they don't actually get the results that they're truly after by tying it to proving it to someone else. Right. But they might not get those results because they're based on a false idea of someone else's idea of them, but they might go down the path of self-awareness to get their own healing and come to peace with themselves.

46:01So a true path can show up for them to actually go down to fulfill their own self. So either way, it's a win-win, whether they actually get to where they want to go. But I think people have to understand that trying to please someone else or prove something to someone else is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. It's always going to be something else to somebody else. Ironically, you have to come to a place where you see, I'm going to use a big word here, you see your own perfection to really enhance the power of what your soul really wants to do and where its true desires are, to get the real clarity on what it is that you want to do in the world.

46:41Again, it goes back to this journey of self-awareness. And I don't mean perfection in any egotistical way. That's defined very well in the book that it's not that you're better than anybody else. It's just a sense of acceptance that every moment of the journey has unfolded in the best way it can for you to get you to this moment and this insight and this information and now what you do with this. So there's been a perfection in the process of getting here for your particular unique arc and journey of life. And there's an infinite number of those journeys that we're all on different set of eyes.

47:20But yeah, I can see how people would all be chasing different senses of what they think they want that will give them peace. But you know, the old saying, it doesn't come from the outside, right? has to come from the answer. To go along with Johnny's point around, you know, this idea of, okay, I'm working on my thoughts and I'm tying my analytical mind to all these things that you guys are saying on the podcast and I'm jiving with it, but the rubber meets the road in the actual doing. And unfortunately for a lot of us, the best laid plans, the most sophisticated, logistical, well-meaning, well-intent mindset work that we do internally before we actually take action can fall apart completely when you get punched in the face, when you face that first failure, when it doesn't go as you thought it would now that you've created this new identity and you've worked through these limiting beliefs that you thought through.

48:17So how do you talk to you, especially, obviously, a lot of athletes are going to face that failure. They're going to lose. They're not going to reach those goals. How do they build the resilience in the face of failure and setback to stay on this path. When you see, truly see that the universe is in a co-creative relationship with you, when a setback occurs or a major challenge occurs that punches you in the face, instead of feeling like something happened to you, you look at it like, what is in this for me? What information can I gather to learn how to add something else to my toolbox, my awareness, and my ability to move forward?

49:02And that is resolute faith in life that's trying to help you take your intentions and manifest them in an experiential reality, in an actual experience. You can think you're the best of this or that in the world, but eventually, you know, the journey is working towards that validation, that experience. And then there's a new thing you're chasing. that's just part of the creative journey of life but I think when you finally realize and this is what's worked for athletes is so many of them have been so frustrated because there's such an intensity as you know with athletes at the top level they it's people are would be shocked if they knew how intense these people are but when something doesn't happen I've moved their awareness to go okay let's dig in and let's find out why you know why did you get yourself behind the count again in the at-bat.

49:48You know, well, I was anxious. I didn't want to miss it. So fear started that process. And then it was a self-fulfilling prophecy based on the fear. Let's go with faith that rests them in a more comfortable place. Their eyes are bigger. Instead of jumping on something that's outside the zone, they let it go by. And now all of a sudden, it counts in their favor. They're going to see better pitches just to throw a baseball example out. But it's the idea of being able to look at as a win-win. And that's how the best do it. They're like, okay, I'm either going to succeed or I'm going to learn something, but either way, I'm going to move closer to putting the conditions together to get this formula, right.

50:23And that is what can help build that relentless pursuit. And that that's expounded on in invincible. That process. Next up is a little song from CarMax about selling a car your way. You want to sell those wheels. You want to get a CarMax instant offer. So fast. Want to take a sec to think about it. Or like a month.

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51:34Achievement requires intensity. There's no achievement that is passive in what we're talking about here, in becoming invincible, living into your potential. There requires a level of intensity of you showing up, facing that failure, learning from it, continuing to co-create with your intention and what reality is showing you around who you can become. And I think what often happens, the off-ramp for a lot of us is to just choose the identity that's tied to that failure. So you stop having to bring the intensity. Yeah, that's the slippery, easy slope, right? That's the easy way out, right? I'll never do it.

52:12It'll never happen. And that's where that dark tug, that dark side of life is like always right here, just waiting to just find a weak moment and Achilles heel to just yank you down. That is why to be in the most invincible state of mind, most empowered state of mind, you need to have a game plan. You need to be ready. You need to have a daily set of ideals that you're going to follow. And so when that dark side comes up, you're like, you know what? I let it happen the last three years because I wasn't prepared for it. And before I knew it subconsciously, it got me, not today. And that slight change in intention and focus and awareness, adding up over new days, all of a sudden changes the caliber of your energy.

52:51And remember, life's not meeting you with what you want. It's meeting you with who you are based on that energy that's coming out of you. And so as that starts to shift in intensity and will, miracles happen. Literal miracles happen, but you can't expect, you can't attach outcome. You have to do it because you trust it and you're demonstrating true faith. And I think that's a really important point is how expectation can get us too, right? Like, oh, if I do all these things and I get this, life hates to have that pressure put on it. Matter of fact, the more you expect something, the more it'll show you it's opposite.

53:24So it's a really interesting way of losing yourself in the process and trusting it. But that gets built up by self-reflection work you do, by reading, by seeing what other people have done. I mean, there's been so many people who have failed and dusted themselves off and kept going. It reminds me of that cartoon. I know you guys have all seen it where someone's digging for some gold and they're in this tunnel. And then one guy's about to, one side, they show a guy about to hit the hammer or the ax pick one more time and there's the gold and the other guy's turned around and given up kind of epitomizes the idea.

53:59The problem for many of us is when we picture that intensity that's required, we envision stress. We assume that it requires stress. And you actually write in the book that it requires a calm awareness to be able to achieve this potential. So how do we cross that disconnect for many of us who are feeling the chaos as stress and feeling the intensity that they need to reach these goals as stress when in actuality they need to get to flow and they need to be doing things in a way that's more calm to allow them to reach that potential. If you learned in the material that life is connected to you by the quality of your energy of your mindset and you agreed with that, like people have negative mindset, shitty ideas of themselves end up, you know, always complaining, always in drama.

54:50And you said, you know, that makes sense to me. would you come out of that realization being more mindful of your mindset or less mindful ideally more more mindful right and so that hyper awareness that you start to gain allows you to go through life every day with a little bit more awareness a little more mindfulness and that's that calmness that i talk about that's that clarity and it's it requires trust and it requires faith for a lot of those quiet moments because there are a lot of quiet testing moments on this path, like, and lonely moments. There's tons of them. But it allows you to go through those without giving into that dark side that wants to pull you.

55:34And before you know it, momentum will have turned, things will surprise you, phone calls will happen, people will enter your space that didn't before, and you'll start to see a shift. But the origin of that shift that you asked the question about comes when you finally look at this material, read it, contemplate it, and go, okay, that makes sense. Now, are my actions aligned with that? Because when you see they're not, it's kind of relieving. It's like, oh, that's why it didn't happen. Not because I'm not worth it, but simply because I haven't put the conditions together. And one of those conditions, not only the exterior conditions, but my own mindset is still shrouded in more fear than more faith.

56:18And I got to keep working on that. And that's part of the journey and part of the path. And one that I was on for a long time of anguish and absolute self-flogging and never good enough and never smart enough, never lucky enough. I mean, it was horrible for years the amount of mental just trashing i did of myself and uh it took the realization of the impact that had on not only my creative output but also on what is meeting me in that exact match and once i realized that i was like okay i'm now i'm gonna use the term I'm awake. I'm now awake. I get it. I have to be, and I can't fake it. That's the other thing.

57:14I'm not going to be, I'm not going to fake this positivity. I'm going to question when it's not there until I get there authentically. The last piece I'd love to focus on even personally for myself and my wife constantly reminds me that we, we as a couple need to dream bigger. And what's interesting in some of the anecdotes in the book around athletes and their performance that you've coached, you know, it's happening later in their career where like these dreams of hitting more home runs than ever or performing at that level, even science would show is highly unlikely, right? As athletes look at their beginning of their career, their peak of their career, and then the twilight.

57:49And for those in our audience who are super analytical and can find all the reasons that that dream is too big, what do you say to them? And how can we really stretch ourselves to dream bigger, to set that intention larger so that we can really reach that potential that you talk about. That's why, you know, they often say you have to have the mind of a child, right? Because a child believes, you know, has wonder in their eyes and anything is possible and everything is an opportunity and curious. And so to get back to that state is to remember that in any moment, truly anything is possible. That is an ultimate truth of existence.

58:27We don't know what's going to happen next. When you focus on the negative ideas that life has kind of beat you down with over the years, it limits that field of possibility. And then your actions get skewed towards defining that and validating that. And so to blow it back open, it's, you know, go out and look at the stars. Like, you know, I say in the beginning of the book, blow your mind on a moonless night somewhere in the camping and take it, take it in. Really look at it. Look at some of these images coming back from the Hubble and the James T. Webb. And it's just mind-blowing. When you go to the ocean, your mind always expands.

59:07That's why I'm so jealous of you guys over there because you can go right to the ocean and see this expanse of beautiful space. And it helps you feel more empowered on what the possibilities are. So anything you can do to keep your mind open to the infinite possibilities that truly exist will keep you moving and feeling optimistic and keep more dopamine and serotonin, which is conducive to that, flowing naturally to you because of that truth. If you really want to create, it has to be from relentless optimism. I mean, if you want the key to what top athlete in the world, I mean a real champion, it is relentless, undeterred optimism.

59:54I think that's a great place to end it. Thank you so much for joining us, Howard. Where can our audience find out more about the book and the work that you do? First of all, thank you, John and AJ, for having me on. I really appreciate the discussion and appreciate what you guys do every day. So thank you for that. The book can be found at Invincible is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble. You can go to my Instagram for any of the stuff that I put out or in my bio, there's a link to it. And then my website, howardfalco.com also has links to Invincible in it as well. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for joining us.

1:00:25It was a pleasure. Absolutely. Thank you guys again for having me. Appreciate it.

1:00:37Thank you for listening to the Art of Charm podcast. And now comes a part of the show where we showcase one of our X Factor Accelerator members. Take it away, Boris. My name is Boris. I'm a senior software engineer. I was born in Europe and moved to the United States 10 years ago. There was a time when I was lacking sense of community and belonging. I chose the Art of Charm program because I wanted to advance my career and build a personal circle of people with similar values. The program made me view people around me as doors to new opportunities. That person at the conference can refer you to your next job.

1:01:15That stranger at the coffee shop is a gateway to your new hobby. That passenger on the train is your significant other if you make the move. I recommend to take a step and sign up for the Art of Charm program. I will see you at the AUC Family Reunion. Thank you Boris and it was a pleasure and honor working with you two and good luck to you and all of your future endeavors. If you've gotten value out of this or any of our podcasts, head on over to your favorite podcast player and rate and review the show. It would mean the world to us and it helps others find this show. And before we head out, a huge thank you to our producers, Michael Harold and Eric Montgomery.

1:01:54Till next week, go out there and make it charming.

1:02:03more you threw your love away like you was just a toy and you sold the world you're a song of a tragedy cause you had your taste of black on the yesterday yeah but I remember you oh yeah I remember you in my life I'm going to run away.