A Classic Josh-Vs.-Lamar Battle, the Week 1 Panic Meter, Guess the Lines and Parent Corner With Cousin Sal

14:29Cousin Sal:so I'll stick with it. I'll stick with it.

14:31Bill Simmons:It was a loss for us with the Ravens today, but a win for us long-term. And I think the Bills, I'd be shocked if they didn't sign Jabril Peppers, who the Patriots inexplicably waived last week and then probably needed today. But I just think they're going to keep throwing bodies at that safety issue and try to figure it out.

14:50Cousin Sal:Listen, we're excited and rightfully so about this game, but the Ravens beat them in the regular season, right? And then the Bills beat them in the playoffs. So you can only put too much weight on September 7th.

15:01Bill Simmons:Usually when a fan shoves the player on another team and then the star player on that team shoves the fan back and we have like a stands altercation, the karma of that usually sinks the fan base. It's the opposite. It seemed like it ignited the Bills.

15:17Cousin Sal:Yeah.

15:18Bill Simmons:Lamar shoved one of our guys. Some drunk idiot probably. I don't know if he was drunk or just crazy. Leaning over. Way to get involved. Yeah, he's going to cash in.

15:26Cousin Sal:He's going to get like 14 signed balls now because of it.

15:29Bill Simmons:Yeah, you think he'll be victimized somehow? Oh, sure. Yeah. Where'd you have in the Phillies, lady? What'd you have in that whole thing? That was too harsh for her? You liked it? Too harsh? Yeah.

15:40Cousin Sal:You know, I don't know. I go too far.

15:42Bill Simmons:We have like three aunts who would do that.

15:44Cousin Sal:Yeah, I know. I know. But it's like, we're going to find out where she lives. She's never going to work another day again. It's like, all right. In the moment, she got caught up and thought the ball was hurt. Probably shouldn't have left her seat, but people do dumb things. Philly's fan, too. Yeah, Philly's fan. Any other Ravens-Bills takes? Not really. I just, I mean, again, I was just— You seem distraught. I didn't realize we get distraught. You lost a lot of money, Sal. You lose money. I was on the 107. We had the Ravens as well. And that third part of it, what I said earlier, that my team is never going to be even close to that good.

16:22Yeah.

16:22Cousin Sal:Yours either, by the way.

16:23Bill Simmons:We'll talk about it. The AFC East, that was their only win today. The Bill Simmons Podcast is brought to you by FanDuel. Football fans, week one. Not over yet. FanDuel, still the best place to keep celebrating because they're giving all customers a no-sweat NFL bet on tonight's game from the money line to player props, same-game parlays, whatever you want. Your no-sweat bet could be used on any NFL wager type, And if it doesn't win, you'll get bonus bets back. So we got Bears hosting the Vikings, a Monday night game. I think the Bears are going to win. I would probably, if I was doing a same game parlay, I would probably do something with Caleb TD, maybe Roma Dunze.

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17:37Bill Simmons:See terms at sportsbook.fanduel.com. Get a problem, call 1-800-GAMBER. Or visit rg-help.com. call 1-88-79-7777 or visit ccpg.org slash chat in Connecticut. This episode is brought to you by LinkedIn. As a small business owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early. Your business is on your mind 24-7. So when you're hiring, you need a partner that works just as hard as you do. That hiring partner is LinkedIn Jobs. When you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in. LinkedIn's new feature can help you write job descriptions and then quickly get your job in front of the right people with deep candidate insights.

18:15Bill Simmons:Nice. At the end of the day, the most important thing to your small business is the quality of candidates. And with LinkedIn, you can feel confident you're getting the best. You can even add a hashtag hiring frame to your profile picture and get two times more qualified candidates. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash Simmons, Terms and conditions apply Week one panic rankings I'm just going to throw some things out at you You tell me what the number is from a zero to ten We got to start with the Dolphins They got absolutely demolished I think the halftime, the yardage was like Indy had 270 or something like that And Miami had like 44 Tua looked atrocious Daniel Jones' career was rejuvenated to the point that There's now comeback player of the year action on him And Indy statistically had the best offense, I think, of week one heading into this game.

19:07Bill Simmons:And then the Bills-Ravens demolished them. But you and I, neither of us like Miami heading into the season. And I think the over-under landed at seven and a half. I bet it multiple times. I have them all under five and a half. I just thought they were going to suck. And guess what? They sucked. I don't know if it's going to last, but they sucked today.

19:24Cousin Sal:I think you nailed it. I would be careful because they have your team next week. So maybe don't say too much. But seven and a half, the panic meter? We're picking a number? Go 0 to 10 on Miami. What would you do for Miami? I think 7.5 is a good number for that, too. Yeah, I would say 8 because their defense is way worse than I thought, too. I mean, Tua could throw the picks, and we could point and laugh at that stuff. That's going to happen, I guess. But the Colts, this is a weird stat. The Colts had seven drives the whole game and scored on every one of them, and that's never happened, or that hasn't happened in, like, 70 years.

19:58Cousin Sal:How do you have seven drives? You have three drives, one half? One of the halves, you had three drives.

20:02Bill Simmons:They had a couple long ones. They had, there was interceptions where they got the ball in Miami territory.

20:09Cousin Sal:And then, I don't know, a lot of clock killing. 39-21 time of possession. So, I mean, that's pretty dominant. But good job. I mean, that guy, if they don't fire him, what is, is it Halloween? Do we have a name for that? Like, can you get to Halloween?

20:25Bill Simmons:I was going to ask you this. We lost the Clapper. Sadly, we didn't really lose him because he's on NBC and we have to watch him on television. We had to watch him fill during a rain delay. We lost Coach Middle Seat. We need a new kind of coach whipping boy with a nickname. And obviously, it should be Mike McDaniel. Possible nicknames for him, Mike McWeirdo. Coach One Day Closer to Death, because that was a quote from his. Mike McDon't. I don't know. What do we want to call him? Or maybe we let the listeners come up with it? people in the YouTube chat. It's got to be on the par of the clapper and Coach Middleseed.

21:04Bill Simmons:I don't know. I don't mind Coach One Day Closer to Death.

21:08Cousin Sal:That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I'd like to hit the nerd angle a little if someone's thinking about it. I can't. What's the Coach McDungeons and Dragons? I don't know. I don't know what his thing would be, but he's more annoying. You know, if you're a tough guy. Coach McDungeons? Oh, that's good. Coach McDungeons.

21:28Bill Simmons:I don't know at the clapper that shout out to Lombardi I don't know if we're ever stopping popping the clacker I do I don't mind Coach One Day Closer to Death because he's also oh that's right he's down now I know what you're saying he's closer to first coach fire yeah he had that quote yeah when he was like kind of shaking off a bad practice and said we're all one day closer to death Coach McDeath that might be it the other achievement they did so I had them in the multi-view knocked him out like halfway through the second quarter. I don't even remember a week one. You need to go here. Here's the door.

22:05Bill Simmons:Here are the keys to your car. The Valley's pulling car up. Please leave. Just knocked out. Never to be seen again. Because we had eight games in the early games. Had to get them out.

22:16Cousin Sal:Next week we have nine. One day FanDuel's going to have odds on like how long it takes for you to knock a certain game out of your four box. Oh, yeah. That would be great. I thought it was going to be Pittsburgh Jets.

22:26Bill Simmons:I thought would have been over under 50 minutes, just like a slugfest six to three in the fourth quarter. And it actually was entertaining, as you said. Week one panic ranking. So I'm going higher than you. I'm going nine and a half for Miami because defensive back's terrible. Offensive line didn't look good. Two, I don't know. And then the coaching thing and just the general malaise. But they are getting the Pats, who seem like a mess against the Raiders.

22:54Cousin Sal:My son looked at. It was a shot of Tyreek Hill just convulsing on the sideline. He's like, oh, he's crashing out. That's a big thing with the kids, crashing out. I was like, what, is that bad? Like tweaking? Yeah, is that the medical thing? Should he really be? It's like, no, no, he'll be all right. He's just crashing out. I'm like, oh, he's having a little tantrum. That's good. So he'll demand the trade in three weeks.

23:11Bill Simmons:So old, crashing out. Yeah, crashing out. Okay. Week one, panic rankings. Kansas City's AFC West dominance. so they're in last place for the first time since like uh 1998 um it's interesting vegas looked good we're going to talk about that game later vegas's offense looked good and i was pretty impressed by them in general the bowers to get hurt the chargers were awesome on friday in brazil excellent and then uh and then denver turned the ball over four times at home and somehow still one by eight. Casey's AFC West run. Do you still think they win the division? And is it, is that a panic yet?

23:54Cousin Sal:I'm going to stay with it. I'm going to say a five panic, but that could jump to a seven if they lose to the Eagles. I know it's not a division game, but yeah, they, they could be in a little bit of trouble. I mean, where are these, it's a giant loss that they're not moving the ball. Like I said, you're not going to count on Kelsey for, you know, three touchdowns every two weeks or anything.

24:14Bill Simmons:Well, Kelsey with the friendly fire just annihilating Worthy wasn't a great way to start the game. Also wasn't great in our Deontine League for our publicist, Louis K. Who I think is getting bounced. Who got one play out of Xavier Worthy and that was it for him.

24:30Cousin Sal:Yeah, that's bad news. I'm in another league with someone at Worthy and A.J. Brown. So it was like zeros across, a one across the board. Yeah, Chiefs are plus 170. What were they? There was like a pick-em, right?

24:41Bill Simmons:Yeah, they were like minus 110. So they're plus 170 on FanDuel. Chargers are plus 190. Broncos are plus 260. So they were around 300 to 330 all year. And now that's plus 260. And then the Raiders are nine to one. That Chiefs plus 170. That has to be the highest it's been since they've had Mahomes. There can't be any other situation where they haven't been minus 110 or higher.

25:05Cousin Sal:That year they went on the road. They still won the division, right? Yeah, they always win the division. Yeah, yeah. Plus 170 is giant.

25:11Bill Simmons:Well, I'll tell you, would you want to talk about that game now really quick? Sure. Friday Brazil. First, I'm never betting on the Brazil game again. So good luck to the rest of the Brazil games. I just think we're two in a row. Just put that game over there. It's just basically on crack. Herbert was incredible. That was the best game I've ever seen him play. And I know I've been in the camp of, all right, can he at least earn it before we call him a top seven QB and the nerds love him and it's been this whole thing. And the nerds have always been about the potential of him and the efficiency versus the actual results and stuff like getting his ass kicked in the playoffs last year.

25:51Bill Simmons:He fucking crushed the Chiefs in that game. That was one thing. The Chiefs defense, I thought looked really wobbly. And then same stuff with Chiefs offense where the explosive plays seemed just really hard for them. Now, Worthy went out early. but they remind me of the Pats after the 07 kind of between the two eras before they got it going again when they're in that kind of weird trying to figure out who they were and the infrastructure was there and they still had the QB but it was obviously a transition from one era to another and I just wonder what the ceiling for them is I didn't think they were impressive at all

26:28Cousin Sal:No, they weren't but so the ceiling is are they 11-0 in one score games you know, going forward because that's what they were last year. Now they're 0-1, right? 0-1. But what do we expect? Is this going to be a team that hangs on and makes you pay in the end? I mean, it didn't look like they were dominant, like you said. Like Herbert, we've seen – how many quarterbacks have we seen in our life? Like 73 ,000? I don't know. But when he's hopping around in the pocket and he has time, I get like Dan Marino vibes. I'm like, he's going to complete this pass. I don't know where it's going. And now I feel like he's comfortable.

27:05Cousin Sal:He had eight different pass catchers on Friday, whatever day it was. And Quentin Johnston looks like a serious player now. So it's kind of like a different offense.

27:13Bill Simmons:He was killing them on third and longs, which are usually where the Chiefs would dial up some Spagnuolo or something. It wasn't working in that game. And the other thing, we talked about this when we did the preseason thing about Slater going out and how they were equipped to replace that better than in the league because they could move Joe Alt over, which still made them weaker. but they did have Joe Walt who was like the sixth pick in the draft two years ago and by all accounts I mean he was awesome in the game but then the advanced metrics of like he was 0 for 44 and when you tried to pressure him he just completely dominated whoever he was going against there's a little nobody believes in us too that I considered, I shorted them, I went against them for the playoffs but everybody had either Denver or Casey in that division, everybody had them going backwards, the Slater injury, but I thought they had a little oomph to them in that game.

28:05Cousin Sal:Well, first of all, I think we overvalue or overrate or don't know how to analyze offensive line injuries. Like that Vera Tucker guy goes out for the Jets, and he's obviously their best lineman, and they're still scoring points. Somehow it didn't matter. For the right tackle in the Falcons,

28:18Bill Simmons:they're still moving the buck. Right.

28:19Cousin Sal:So just maybe ignore it. I know it could be a disaster of two or three of these guys go out, but I don't know if nobody believes in us, but it might just be nobody roots for us. Nobody roots for us like they do in Brazil. Yeah. So now it's because I feel like people love the Chargers. They want the Chargers to win. They want the Bengals to win. These are teams that disappoint over and over and over from one reason or another.

28:43Bill Simmons:What do you got for the Ravens on the panic scale? I mean, they've been here. They've literally been here before.

28:50Cousin Sal:No, that's a good team. That's a great team. I don't, I mean, what are they going to, they're not going to win the division, you know, I think. You saw Cincinnati you thought was better than that. Pittsburgh, fine.

29:01Bill Simmons:With about eight minutes left in that game, the lead of this podcast would have been, holy shit, Baltimore's head and shoulders above every team in the league. Right. And this is what they did multiple times last year where they would play these. That's why the Harden Rockets analogy is so perfect for them. Hit a million threes and then the game gets tight and all of a sudden those threes, it gets a little tighter. I'm not worried about them. I'm a two. I'm a two. It's a dumb loss and nobody will remember it happening eight weeks from now. It's way more important for Buffalo. The Bryce Young bandwagon, he was bad.

29:35Yeah.

29:36Bill Simmons:He was bad. And that was a weird game because there was like a very strange lightning delay. Barely ended just now. Yeah. It was like 3-3 for a while. Then it was 10-3. There was a lightning delay. Travis Etienne ran for 71 yards, took him down inside like the 20. All of a sudden it was 17-3. And Bryce Young, two picks, a fumble. He had a pick six that got saved by a Jacksonville penalty and called back.

30:03Cousin Sal:On the other side of the field, and then he follows it up with a touchdown. So his stats would have looked a lot worse than that.

30:08Bill Simmons:And then the other one he had, which really should be, there should be a way to keep track of this. Fourth and goal, throws it out of the end zone. That should almost be a turnover. If you're not, instead of throwing it out of the end zone, just lob it into a group of people and hope it gets batted around or something. You know what's not going to work? Throwing it in the end zone. So I just thought he was awful. And I didn't really understand the Bryce Young. I mean, it was nice that he wasn't a bust last year because he played better. But it wasn't like, uh-oh, here comes Bryce Young. He was okay second half of last year compared to what we thought he was going to be.

30:44Bill Simmons:But he was bad today.

30:45Cousin Sal:I think he took him to overtime like three times or something. It's a little overblown how great he was towards the end of the year. But it's a bad sign that they got Andy Dalton a driver, the team. which means they're looking to put him in anytime soon. They got him a way-bo. Yeah. A 24-hour way-bo. It's like secret service protection for the quarterback, but just when it comes to driving. The Bryce-Eon bandwagon, I'm going to put at a solid seven. Yeah, that's good. Okay. I'll go seven. How about the Detroit Lions offense without Ben Johnson? What do you got for that? Nah, I'm going four here.

31:23Cousin Sal:I don't know why. I mean, isn't that to be expected that they're out of sorts a little in the offense without a great coordinator? And the athletes are good enough that they'll eventually catch up. You forget, like these guys, the dumb thing is a lot of these guys didn't play in preseason, right? Yeah. So if you lose a coordinator and you don't play in preseason, that first game is going to suck. I mean, you had the Packers, right?

31:47Bill Simmons:I did. I thought the Lions offensive line was pretty sketchy in that game. and that game was not as close as the final score of the game. It felt like it was over for an hour and a half. And at one point, it was like 23-3, 26-3, something like that. I'm more worried about the Detroit offense than you. I think that Ben Johnson, they kind of just had an overqualified coaching staff and now they have a normal coaching staff on top of not having as good on an offensive line, which was one of the reasons to go under with them. So I'm probably like a six with that.

32:18Cousin Sal:I think Gibbs had 10 receptions for 31 yards or something. We've saw like five stats that never existed before. Oh, man, they were trying so hard to get him going.

32:30Bill Simmons:Next one for the Panic Grankings, Bo Nix fantasy owners. Yeah. He wasn't a top five fantasy QB, but he was kind of right there. Like, oh, if I can get Bo Nix, I'm good. Yeah. He was awful in that Tennessee game, like really bad. And the Broncos in general, the offense was alarmingly bad. But I thought he was, like, bad. This was the Bo Nix we were worried about when he was coming out of college. So I'm going to be – I'm at least a five for my Super Bowl fringe contender Broncos hopes that I had and then win the division, all that stuff.

33:05Cousin Sal:I'll put it at a five also. He was not good today at all. Probably could have had, like, four interceptions. He calls his own number a lot. He runs his way out of, like, bad situations. So that's good. And he threw a dime. The touchdown pass was very solid. But, yeah, for the first half, it looked like he was the rookie and Cam Ward was the second-year quarterback, kind of like Caleb Williams versus Will Levis game one last year. But it picked up.

33:32Bill Simmons:That game had – and we all sniffed it out. We knew with Survivor. We knew with teases and parlays. That game had all the makings. And Denver did everything they could to try. But the Titans offensively just, they had no chance against that Broncos defense. They couldn't move the ball.

33:49Cousin Sal:I think that was the NFL eliminator gods putting their hand on our shoulders. Be like, hey guys, it's not going to be easy this year. Don't think you're going to go checkoffs.

33:58Bill Simmons:We had Arizona against New Orleans. New Orleans driving at the end. And then we had that ridiculous Cleveland-Cincinnati game. Next for the panic rankings. The look on another person's face as you tell them, I think I'm going to bet the Falcons at home. What are your thoughts? Because for me, it needs to be intervention, like TV intervention style. It's like the first of a one hour show in the nineties where somebody knocks on the character's door and it's like, hey, can you come over to Bobby's house? And then all his friends are there and they intervene. I'm just never doing it again. I can't do it again.

34:34Bill Simmons:I can't. I'm writing down all the things you're never doing again.

34:37Cousin Sal:That one I'm never doing again.

34:38Bill Simmons:And then it had a drive that was an hour long to try to go ahead in the fourth quarter, where they were inside the 10 and somehow had two consecutive four down. There were challenges. It ended up being 10 plays inside the five. And then they got it, and then they lost anyway.

34:58Cousin Sal:Yeah, I feel like we get it with Penix already. Every play is going to be him diving for the pylon. It's going to be close, or his knee is down, or his elbow's down before he reached over the goal line. But I thought we agreed not to bet this one. I thought we said we like Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay's banged up. We're going to sit out because Atlanta's going to probably win this game. And then we could pound Tampa Bay for the division. That's not how it worked out. But they're still minus 170. I wouldn't mind that. And you can blame yourself, too. You did the Falcons three exclamation points on our text when Penick scored there, I think.

35:31Cousin Sal:I did.

35:32Bill Simmons:I forgot Baker Mayfield. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Tabundo said in our text thread that for some reason, Koo has been involved in an intimate moment of 42 straight Falcons games. I don't know how that's possible. 1 p.m. Yeah. It's funny how I did not think he was going to make that kick. Boswell in the Pittsburgh Jets game where it's like Boswell from six, it's like, ah, this will be good from 90. And Koo is a good kicker. But for some reason, there was a little bit of a stink. He'd already missed a PAT earlier in the game.

36:05Cousin Sal:And Tampa missed a PAT, right? McLaughlin missed it. Yeah, the special teams is awful today. I know it takes a minute for the offensive lines to gel, but the special teams, other than the Steelers, somehow Boswell getting out there. I don't know, is he a top three kicker you would trust for that? I couldn't believe how confidently he went out there and knocked it through.

36:23Bill Simmons:Last one for the panic rankings, Houston's offense, which looked awful against the Rams. Now they're missing a couple of receivers, but I thought their offensive line was alarming. and the Rams, they have good defense. It's not that good. And Houston just couldn't do anything. They took out Collins. And this was the big fear with Houston going into it. All of us were trying to figure out a different AFC South team to pick. None of us could talk ourselves into Jacksonville, Indianapolis, or Tennessee. Everyone begrudgingly took the Texans. Well, they have CJ Stratton. They have some good receivers.

36:59Bill Simmons:Their defense is good. I thought the offense, the fact that they were relying on Nick Chubb like that too is just kind of, uh, I kept hearing rumors of this the last couple of weeks, but man, um, nine points for them. And, uh, I'm concerned.

37:14Cousin Sal:Yeah. I'll give it a six. I'll get a six. Only cause you don't need to score a lot to win that division probably. But, uh, yeah. I mean, what happened? Our friend Hench drafted like he drafted marks. I was like, what, who is that? He's like, it's still like the fourth string running back to Texas. I was like, is that ARX or? CK? How is that? Yeah, you said two receivers were gone and Collins did nothing. Weird game. Do we have

37:41Bill Simmons:a nobody-believes-in-us team, in your opinion, yet in 2025? Because I think the nominees are Las Vegas and Indianapolis. Unless there's another team I can't think of. I think those would be the two.

37:54Cousin Sal:I guess, yeah. Oh, man. We really want to do

37:58Bill Simmons:this with Indianapolis? I'm just trying to think of a team that won today that it is actually conceivable they'd make the playoffs, but it seems ridiculous. I think those would be the two.

38:09Cousin Sal:I think the Raiders were the only underdog who won outright today, right? I guess the Bills, technically. Yeah, so that would make sense. I'll throw the Jaguars in there. I know you don't like them, but I believe in them. I think they win that division.

38:25Bill Simmons:We can talk about that game in a second. Did week one change your mind on anything? from how you felt before the season? Is there one thing where you're like, oh, I would mulligan the shit out of that?

38:37Cousin Sal:I was trying to think about that. Like, what would I take back? So I'm most happy about my Bucs to win the division, making it to the Super Bowl pick. I'm most bummed about shorting the Rams. But like you said, who knows with that game? Maybe the Rams defense isn't that good and the Texans just didn't bring it for week one. But those are the two right now.

38:58Bill Simmons:Mine is, I already talked about it with you a week ago, about being bullish on the Pats and gradually coming off it over the last two, three weeks as a couple injuries and just some of the feedback coming out of camp and the coaching stuff. And it just seemed like they were kind of preparing people like, yo, we've had a lot of turnover. Like this is, we don't have high expectations. I think that one. And then I kind of wish I had gone harder on Detroit or KC, just like not picking one of them to miss the playoffs. because I do think it's really possible that one of those two teams is a year from hell candidate.

39:36Bill Simmons:But I could just see one of those two teams missing it.

39:39Cousin Sal:I don't know if they will, but especially the Lions,

39:42Bill Simmons:I could see a scenario where they don't make it. And we talked about it. We circled that. I didn't have the balls to do it.

39:47Cousin Sal:Yeah, well, I think you had the right idea right away. Maybe the Patriots have the year from hell. Are they the second or third worst team in the league? I'll give you a Dolphins-Giants. You could be third.

39:59Bill Simmons:No, we're better than the Browns and the Saints. The funny thing is they didn't even play well when they were in that game the whole game. The defense was pretty good. They had pressure the whole game. I don't know.

40:08Cousin Sal:They gave 362 yards to Geno. I don't know. Geno made some good plays. But your offense isn't good enough. You battle back with Kayshaun Boat. What's his name? I don't know. It's going to be tough.

40:21Bill Simmons:Campbell at left tackle was playing hurt, and they just were working him like a speedback. The offensive line was not great. They couldn't run the ball. I thought Vegas played pretty well, though. One other thing, this isn't a change your mind, but it felt like kick returns, and people were predicting that this could be the case, but I thought kick returns were way more noticeable this year with changing field position. I thought it had an impact on the Tennessee-Denver game. There's a couple games where all of a sudden people are on the 45 or the 50, whereas for years and years, we were just having touchbacks and people starting drives on the 22, the 24.

40:59Bill Simmons:Now all of a sudden it felt like we were in the 30 to 45, right? Did you notice that?

41:04Cousin Sal:Yeah, I did. I think, yeah, special teams just in general, like we were talking about even punt returns, the Bills fumbled a punt return and there were more kick returns. I'm still not sure of the rule exactly where you're short of the zone of intention or whatever the hell it's called. But yeah, that was such bad clock management. How can you kick it through the end zone in Denver? Like how does it go to the 10 anyway?

41:25Bill Simmons:I know. That screwed them up. The only other thing, and I picked Green Bay to make the Super Bowl. This was before the Parsons trade. But I do wonder, this isn't a thing I would change necessarily, but they did have a look to them today. Like kind of a juggernaut-y kind of look. And we've seen some teams flash this in week one and they go away. But I was looking at their schedule. Commanders on Thursday. At the Browns, at the Cowboys. Bye week. Like home Bengals, at Cardinals, at Steelers on a Sunday night, home Panthers, home Eagles, at Giants, home Vikings, at Lions on Thanksgiving. It's not that hard of a schedule.

42:07Cousin Sal:Well, they're favored in every game. I mean, Pittsburgh will be close, but yeah, they're favored in all those.

42:13Bill Simmons:Yeah, like if you said, all right, at gunpoint, pick a team that's going to start out 10-0. Right. I think I would pick them. I don't think probably nobody's going to start 10-0, but I think that's probably the team that has the best. They didn't really have weaknesses from what we saw today. They can run the ball. They can throw the ball. They can rush the passer. They can cover. They can basically do everything, and they're a monster home team.

42:38Cousin Sal:Yep. It looks like they hit on the rookies, too, golden solid. Fandle does have first team or last team to lose. They don't have it up right now. I do like that Parsons played like 29 snaps, and he's getting almost all the credit. It seems like they're going to hit him.

42:53Bill Simmons:Out of those 29, he had like four or five genuinely impactful moments on there. So the AFC East could have been 0-4, they're not. The Chiefs are in last place. Only one NFC team scored 25 points today. Oh.

43:09Cousin Sal:Two points. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

43:13Bill Simmons:Everyone was 24 and under except for the Packers. So, all right. We're going to take one more break for the podcast and then keep going here on the YouTubes. This episode is brought to you by PNC Bank. In today's sports, everyone is constantly trying to outdo each other. Trick formations, infield shifts, constant rotation changes, yet it's proven time and time again that strong fundamentals are the thing that will lead you to victory. Banking, no different. While everyone else tries to outdo each other, PNC Bank just keeps going right down the middle with steady calculated money moves and the financial wins just keep coming.

43:51Bill Simmons:PNC Bank, brilliantly boring since 1865, brilliantly boring since 1865 as a registered mark of the PNC Financial Services Group Incorporated. PNC Bank, National Association member, FDIC. This episode is brought to you by TikTok. Did you know you can use TikTok to connect even more with the sports you love? It's not just highlights, it's everything around the game, including the sports community. Find breakdowns of classic basketball plays, deep dives on baseball stats, even videos on how athletes train and recover. There are people teaching strategy, sports, history, even ways to improve your jump shot.

44:27Bill Simmons:It's kind of like the biggest locker room ever and everyone's sharing what they know on TikTok. So quickly zipping through the games, Packers beat the Lions. That one never felt close. We need to talk about that. We do need to talk about 49ers Seahawks. It had all the makings of a classic Niners dominate, somehow blow the game, have some stupid special team stuff. They missed a field goal. They had a blocked field goal. It's like, oh, this is the classic really stupid Niners week one loss. And McDaniels, I'm sorry, McDonald. McDonald, yeah. Fourth down and one. We now have 15 years of nerds explaining to us why you have to go for this and go for the kill.

45:09Cousin Sal:Yeah.

45:10Bill Simmons:End the game. Don't let the Niners get the ball back. Just go for the first down. You win the game if you get it. And he kicks the field goal. And the Niners come right back down and score. And Seattle ends up losing the game. Especially in week one, I'm going for this. This is like, you're sending a message to your team. It's a different season. We're fucking ramming it down their throat. Fuck them. Fuck the Niners. We're fucking doing this. And instead, like, well, we'll kick the field goal. hopefully our defense can hold. I just hated it.

45:42Cousin Sal:Did Olsen do that game? Olsen did that game, right? I mean, he brought up, I'm pretty sure Greg Olsen did that. He had a good point. Yeah, of course, because they had three timeouts left. There was three and a half minutes left for San Francisco. So I don't know. If you kick a field goal, I feel like it's a push at that point, right? You got to run clock. You got to make them eat some of their timeouts. You know, fourth and one, you can make that. If you don't make fourth and one, you use your timeouts well, and you'll get the ball back. But I think you got to knock them out right there for sure.

46:15Cousin Sal:Hated it.

46:16Bill Simmons:And then the play, so they get this long first down on there. They're trying to pull off a game-winning drive. And JSN, who was awesome, who was their only receiver, no other receiver had more than 15 yards. Right. Makes this play, sets them up. It's getting close to the two-minute warning, and they kind of did like a spasm, and it's like, but they hand the ball off, nothing. And then all of a sudden, the second down pass play, where Darnold, they're like, on the 11, Darnold, you know, in the middle of chaos. Like, I'm just getting the ball out as fast as possible with Sam Darnold in that situation.

46:49Bill Simmons:Because, you know, the Niners are bringing... I didn't like the play. I didn't like how they handled that last stretch. I mean, they were 3-for-10 on third down. They had 230 yards total, and they only had 22 minutes of possession. So maybe he just didn't believe in the offense for a reason. But I just didn't like the coaching by them. I thought they should have won the game.

47:07Cousin Sal:I don't think he's going to win 13 games with them like he did last year. It was 13 he won with the Vikings, right? But, yeah, that was unfortunate because it was his own guy who knocked his hand and the ball loose. Right. Yeah, but that's why you can't take things for granted. Like, just mash it down their throats. San Francisco was ready to be had, I thought.

47:26Bill Simmons:Kittle and Jennings got hurt. Trent Williams was hurt, came back, seems like he's still hurt. Moody is 12 for 23 with field goals since Week 10 last year. Wow. Steelers-Jets. Steelers win, don't cover, which I think Kaus and I predicted. So Steelers two and a half, they somehow win, don't cover. The Steelers, the Cousin South special did cover.

47:45Cousin Sal:Beautiful. You did it again. Almost seven to one. Steelers to lose the first half and win the game. And they were down by what? Like one point and a half or something? It was perfect.

47:53Bill Simmons:Just think about this. If you just before the year bet$100 ,000 every week on this and it hits five times.

48:01Cousin Sal:I know. It's like one of the great bets.

48:03Bill Simmons:And it hits five times every year.

48:04Cousin Sal:Yeah. it's free for two months right now, right? If I'm one of those at 7-1. Yeah, I had a little, not enough on it. He was very good. He was good. He was moving around, Rodgers. I bet his completions and yards over today, so I didn't think he'd have the four touchdowns, but this could be a nice offense for him. I've spent the whole summer saying I thought he was washed. I thought he looked really good.

48:26Bill Simmons:Now, it might be one of those things where it's the older athlete who looks good in September, and as the year goes along, the weather gets colder. But it looked like a fit. He seemed very engaged. He talked some shit after about the Jets. Four touchdowns. I thought he looked good. And I thought Fields was about as good as he can play. Right? He made plays. I thought some of his passes were pretty accurate. He ran the ball a little bit. He didn't seem like a liability. And the Jets ran all over Pittsburgh's defense and somehow lost. You'd think the Jets getting 32 points. That game should be over.

49:04Bill Simmons:Right? I thought their defense could be better than that.

49:07Cousin Sal:And listen, they made a 60-yard field goal. Otherwise, it's all, oh, Rodgers can't win a big game. You know, that would be the narrative. So that could go either way. But yeah, I mean, that was the best, both of those quarterbacks, you could expect to see them play. And what about that press? I don't understand that Jack Holt comment in the press conference. Like, it feels good to beat everyone in the Jets organization. like you're counting your boy Nate Hackett or shoving Salah or going to Egypt. Like they did everything you wanted them to do. What do you want? Well, they gave him everything.

49:37Cousin Sal:So I'm not sure who in the organization he's talking about. I mean, Sal, we're not players. We can't possibly understand.

49:43Bill Simmons:That's true.

49:44Cousin Sal:Yeah. We're just non-players.

49:47Bill Simmons:You're going to apologize for that. We're not smart enough to understand how he's thinking because we've never played.

49:52Cousin Sal:Yeah.

49:54Bill Simmons:Bucks Falcons, we talked about that. Did want to mention Igbuka was as advertised. I think, did you get him in our fantasy league? That's my guy. That's my offensive rookie of the year. I tried to get him in everything. I bet on him. I only got him in one or two leagues. He makes the big play at the end, but he was heard from all game and just looked great.

50:12Cousin Sal:He's so good in the fourth quarter, Baker. He really is. If you look at his numbers, it's mysterious how he saves it all up.

50:19Bill Simmons:He passes the final test where when you're going against him, you're nervous. It's like, oh shit, I have the lead. Right. But I feel like Baker's going to ram it right in my keister. And it's exactly what he did. The Rams-Texans, 49. I had the under in this game. It was the only under I bet. 11 Houston penalties, two turnovers, and nothing from Nico Collins. Two for nine on first down in the rough offensive line. So all around not awesome. Bengals-Browns. So we all had the Bengals as like, this is the offense you want in fantasy. They had 11 first downs at 141 total yards. And the Browns should have won the game.

50:58Bill Simmons:Like, I know nobody watched this game except for the true diehards or if you saw a couple plays on Red Zone. But this was done. The Browns kicker, Andre Schitt. Is that how you pronounce it? That's it. Hold on. S-Z-M-Y-T. Andre Schitt, I think is how it's pronounced. Andre Schitt. Yeah. Schmitt. Schmitt. Sch Schmidt. It doesn't matter. Missed a PAT and then a 36-yarder with 225 left. That was just a stomach punch.

51:24Cousin Sal:I hated it. I had the Browns all over the place. I mean, they covered fine, but I was like, this Zach Taylor thing, this is a real thing. He's one in 10, and it's for weeks one through three, the last three, four years, whatever it is. But I feel like the Browns, we should be used to it, and I feel like they took them aside and they said, listen, kid, you come to this organization, you're going to suck. It's as simple as that. There's going to be guys like Miles Garrett and Joe Flacco going to play their asses off, but for the most part, we're incorrigible losers. So the talk's about the Haslams and Deshaun, but we want to spread the wealth a little.

51:56Cousin Sal:It's your turn. So go miss an extra point in a 12-yard fucking field goal. We'll take care of the rest. Yeah. You're short to us.

52:03Bill Simmons:I love the Browns. Did not want to put them in Ringer 107 because I just wasn't putting a terrible team in first week Ringer 107. In retrospect, I should have. Broncos, Titans, we talked about. The only thing we didn't talk about, the Titans might be okay. I'm not ruling them out as like a 9-8 team. I know the offense did nothing today. They had seven first downs, 133 yards. but I like their defense, and I thought the quarterback made a couple really nice throws. He was under duress, to say the least. And Denver's defense, especially at home, might just be awesome, especially in the altitude. So I would just be careful going against them in parlays and teasers for the next couple weeks, don't you think?

52:42Bill Simmons:The Titans' defense was good.

52:44Cousin Sal:There was a pass rush. How are we saying that this year? Pass rush? It was a pass rush. We're saying pass rush, yeah. As shaky as Knicks was, sometimes he was just kind of under attack, and it was weird. I like Cam Ward. I don't know what's going on with these receivers. They appear to have never played with him before. Because, you know, he has a weird delivery, right? So it comes out kind of sidearm. And it, like, takes everybody by surprise. There's a little mustard on it, so it's hot. But Ridley, like, dropped a bunch of – like, and then, you know.

53:13Bill Simmons:Yeah. You don't know if he's gambling. You don't know. You don't know.

53:16Cousin Sal:But he points to himself. He's like, that was on me. So then you can't talk about the other stuff. But it really doesn't seem like anybody's ever seen a pass from – Cam Ward before. And even his father, that was a great moment. His father got up. Did you see when Ridley dropped the ball? His father got up and had him walk around. Jesus. He could be good.

53:37Bill Simmons:I thought Ward looked alright. Power had a really bad fumble at one point. That game was 2012, but either team could have won that game. And upon the Broncos, I thought there was also a very, very, very, very, very weird Sean Payton coaching moment in the final three minutes. Fourth and eight and 36. They go for it. They run like a fucking, it was like a Tecmo ballplay where you just chuck it down and hope somebody catches it. And all of a sudden, the Titans had the ball with like, I don't know, a minute and a half left. It was just very, very... That's a field goal attempt. Everyone attempts 53.

54:11Bill Simmons:Or just punt it out of bounds. Put them inside the 10. Don't do what they did. Washington beat the Giants and the only thing we didn't talk about with this is it was an awful game. I thought Washington looked bad. Russ was empty calories, and it feels like Dart. Dayball wouldn't commit to him for next week. I think they might just go with Dart sooner than later. What does Dayball care? He's going to get fired.

54:35Cousin Sal:He's not going to throw Wilson out there for a month. I like that he says, I want to make this clear. This loss is not on Russell Wilson. Okay, will you commit to him being the starter next week? Oh, no, no, not a chance. No, no way. What am I, an idiot? Come on. Did you see him under pressure? He can't move. I want to make this clear. It's pretty clear. I'm looking at the box score. But no, they had no pass rush or any. Their defense sucked, too, the Giants. It was a bad game.

54:59Bill Simmons:Raiders, Pats. I don't feel great about the Pats. I don't want to talk about it. Card Saints. New Orleans almost tied this. This was 20-6, and then all of a sudden it was 20-13. Then all of a sudden, Spentler-Rattlers driving. Then all of a sudden, somebody almost gets the T.O. diving up in the air with the two guys hitting them on the goal line touchdown, but they dropped it. This was not a good game for your cards that are going to win the NFC West. Not that the Seahawks were much better. Oh, how dare you.

55:31Cousin Sal:They're going to beat the Panthers next week. They're going to be 2-0. They were so unimpressive. Plans to see them in the Super Bowl. Really unimpressive.

55:38Bill Simmons:The Saints are, you know, one of the things we learned today is I'm not sure there's a terrible team. At least not yet.

55:45Cousin Sal:So if I told you someone's going to win three games or fewer? Before the season, I would have said definitely.

55:54Bill Simmons:Yeah. I don't know. Miami was the worst team today, and I don't think they're going to go 3-14. But all these teams, like the Saints can block. Right. They had a couple of playmaker plays. I don't know. They're not awful. The quarterback's awful. But they weren't terrible. But we have to see. The Patriots defense was pretty good.

56:17Cousin Sal:Patriots might get their act together. Maybe I've been too harsh. I didn't appreciate that. I'm laughing like my team's good. I don't know. So why does Henderson get five carries? Like, John, they got 19. Put them in big boy pads.

56:33Bill Simmons:Last thing on the games today, Hunter on Jacksonville, 39 snaps. What do you think the breakdown was for offense, defense?

56:42Cousin Sal:Oh, I didn't even see this one.

56:43Bill Simmons:45 snaps total. Wait, 45 total? 45 total. 39 on one end, six on the other. Oh, defense. Played 39 on offense, six on defense. He did? Why did I miss that? Yeah, I missed it too. I saw it on the internet. Wow. So this big trade, they give up all this stuff, and this is like, this guy's going to be a two-way revelation, and they're only playing him on one side. I know. Granted, it's week one. I just thought it was notable.

57:14Cousin Sal:Yeah, that's why people are saying for Offensive Rookie of the Year, I was like, hey, he might just not get, the coordinator decides you're not in. Then it's out of your hands.

57:21Bill Simmons:If you're playing him at receiver, guess what? He's not going to be better than Egbuka. Right.

57:27Cousin Sal:That's true, too.

57:28Bill Simmons:The thing that would have made him special was trying to play both sides. Anyway. All right.

57:33Cousin Sal:You ready? A little guess the lines action? I guess so. I'm glad we didn't talk about my team. It's good. We can talk about your team when we do the matchup. Too many days. Too many days gone. All right.

57:46Bill Simmons:I talked about it on Friday's ringer gambling show. You're right. You're right. I'm fine. Week two. You beat me in Guest Alliance last week. Yeah. Thursday night, Packers, Washington. This is a very good game. It's in Green Bay. I thought Washington, it was a crappy game, but it was kind of a violent game. And I don't know what that's going to mean for four days later.

58:12Cousin Sal:They ran all over them. They did run all over the Giants. Let me make this clear. That loss is not on Russell Wilson. Did I make that clear? Yeah, you did. Okay.

58:22Bill Simmons:I have the Packers favored by three points against Washington.

58:27Cousin Sal:You got it. It's three and a half.

58:29Bill Simmons:I said four and a half. Where do you think that ends on Thursday night?

58:36Cousin Sal:I think four. I don't know. The betting public should just continue to like Marine Bay, right?

58:45Bill Simmons:This feels like a pretty juicy live bet opportunity where the Packers are up 10 to 14 all game and then Jaden Daniels looming late when he starts running around and doing the things he does. This is a must-watch game. I'm very excited for it. Yeah, it's a good one. Sunday's marquee game is the Chiefs against the Eagles. It's in Kansas City. And, you know, last year we had the Tic Tacs on. Right. Right. This year, you talked about how there was this run of minus two and a half. And you're like, we need a name for that. And I didn't think of the name until like three hours after the podcast. And I was so mad that I didn't think of it in the moment.

59:24Bill Simmons:I feel like 10 years ago, I would have had it right away. It's got to be something with Charlie Sheen, right?

59:29Cousin Sal:Yeah.

59:29Bill Simmons:The Sheen zone. Yeah. What was his character on Two and a Half Men?

59:33Cousin Sal:I don't know. What is that? A trick question? You're going to make fun of me if I know it? Yeah.

59:38Bill Simmons:Well, it's funny if you're like, his name was Bob. The other guy's name was John. Ah, sissy. Oh, his name was Charlie. Oh, it was Charlie. Yeah, yeah. Charlie and Alan. And then, oh, Angus T. Jones. Angus T. Jones' Jake Harper was the half man. Okay. So maybe it's the Angus T. Jones zone, or do we go the Charlie zone?

1:00:04Cousin Sal:Well, Charlie zone, the Sheen zone is good. I mean, he's about to be big again, right? He has a documentary coming out. The Cryer Zone, someone recommended. John Cryer. I'll do whichever. Oh, other people had the two and a half men thing? Yeah, somebody else. I guess it's not hard to come up with. What do you want to do?

1:00:21Bill Simmons:Charlie Zone or Sheen Zone? It would be fun to give Angus T. Jones some love, but I do like the Sheen Zone. Tic Tac Zone and the Sheen Zone. I turned down Charlie Sheen coming on the pod. You did? Yeah. What could happen? Oh, he should go to your house. Yeah, he should definitely go to your house.

1:00:42Cousin Sal:I don't seem like a great guy. One slip up. Come on.

1:00:49Bill Simmons:It lasted like 11 years.

1:00:56Bill Simmons:Sunday Marquis Chiefs Eagles. I'm putting this in the Tic Tac zone. That's the only reason I brought it up. I have Chiefs minus one and a half. Oh, the Tic Tac. Okay.

1:01:03Cousin Sal:We all get it. I went Tic Tac over Sheen. We went Tic Tac. We all get it. It is one and a half. Yep. I both get it. Yep. Oh, wait, who do you have favorite? Chiefs.

1:01:12Bill Simmons:Oh, no, you don't get it. Philly's favorite. Philly's favorite in Kansas City? Yeah. What?

1:01:20Cousin Sal:Yes, sir. Let me check. Let me double check. Philly's favorite in Kansas City. Yeah, people have had enough of Kansas City shit. Wow.

1:01:30Bill Simmons:So this is really it. The Chiefs have lost home favorite, pencil him in. And Mahomes has lost his place on top of the hierarchy because it feels like Allen and Lamar both kind of supplanted it. And he can point to the three rings, but they were two-plus years ago now.

1:01:47Cousin Sal:Has this happened before? Someone's going to correct us in a minute. Aside from a Week 18 game where they're home and not playing guys, have they been to another dog in years? I'm really surprised by this.

1:01:59Bill Simmons:I thought for sure. Now, is Worthy out? Is Worthy playing? What's the deal? I don't know.

1:02:03Cousin Sal:He has like a dislocated shoulder. I feel like he could do the Mel Gibson thing, Lethal Weapon, where he just slams it into the... No, not that thing. Yeah, when he does the shoulder.

1:02:14Bill Simmons:The leaving Moonshadows? Yeah. Watchables. I only have two. Lions, Bears, and Detroit. Now, we have no idea with this Bears team what's going to happen tomorrow night, but I have the Lions by two and a half in the bench game. What do you got?

1:02:31Cousin Sal:I got it. I said five. It's four and a half. That's too high. Well, this is a short week. And they're not going to. That shouldn't be 0-2, should they? Short week on a Detroit. That's too high. Doming it up. That's going down. I like it.

1:02:46Bill Simmons:Bill's Jets. Good Lord. I have no idea what to do with this one. In the old days, this would have been market down. It's in Buffalo. Minus eight. Is it Jets or Buffalo? That's screw that up. Yeah.

1:03:01Cousin Sal:I mean, Jersey, technically, but it's all right.

1:03:05Bill Simmons:It's in New York. That doesn't really change my pick that much. I'm going Bills by five.

1:03:12Cousin Sal:I went seven and a half. It's six and a half, so I'll get that one. It's kind of a must win, right? Teaser game. Must win for who? The team that's going to be good eventually, the Bills. Well, they're 1-0. Why is it a must win? Oh, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. I'm thinking in my head that they lost. Oh, man. Are you sure? Right. I just looked. They actually did. It still was a win. That's ridiculous. They won that game. All right. This could be a big Justin Fields game.

1:03:47Bill Simmons:That'd be funny. Yeah. Fairly watchables. They got six. We'll start with Bengals home for the Jaguars. I'm still. I know the Jaguars won convincingly today. But I don't know. It wasn't like they were unbelievable. They did a couple good things. Carolina was really bad. And I don't know if we know what we have with the Jaguars. I have the Bengals favored by three.

1:04:11Cousin Sal:All right, you got that. I said four and a half. It's three and a half. I mean, it looks like Fandle skittish. Well, they should be about the Bengals laying a big number. They should have lost today.

1:04:23Bill Simmons:It was the same game as last year when they played the Pats, except this time they actually won it, but it was just as bad. They had seven yards in the second half. Yeah, seven yards. They were awful. Gross.

1:04:36Cousin Sal:Cowboys home for the Giants. Speaking of gross, yeah.

1:04:42Bill Simmons:As a non-player, did you blame C.D. Lamb for the loss?

1:04:47Cousin Sal:Let me make something clear. C.D. Lamb is not to be blamed for this loss. Okay. On the other hand, if he caught every ball that touched his hands, he would have had 265 yards. But I want to make it clear. So you're saying that as a non-player? Yes, as a non-player. Gotcha. Okay. You think we could sign one-day contracts so that we could, you know... Say, well, I played. I had a cup of coffee with the Rams. It was our value. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if a team would say, would the Patriots sign you to a one-day contract and you could just say you're a player? It's like an honorary doctorate. Probably not after my thoughts on the dynasty.

1:05:22Bill Simmons:I had the Cowboys over the Giants. I have minus three and a half, and I think I hit it exactly.

1:05:29Cousin Sal:It's four and a half. I said seven, and this is super depressing. I mean, the fact that this is not a Thursday night game, it's not a Thanksgiving game, it's just a 1 p.m. kickoff. And we're not, and the Giants were as miserable as they are and were, and it's only four and a half. Good God.

1:05:48Bill Simmons:Can you walk me through your feelings as you watch the Carl Pickens mixtape of George Pickens? Who is Carl Pickens? Is that my first screw-up? It's a Tennessee receiver back in the University of Tennessee. Yeah, I did the Carl Pickens from 30 years ago. Can you walk me through the George Pickens not finishing blocks or finishing routes mixtape that went around Friday?

1:06:10Cousin Sal:I'm not going to walk you through that No, I'm not your monkey I hated it I shouldn't have been mad But they really didn't screw up much Other than the fumble That's what gets me mad Sanders had a 50 yard run But he also fumbled They didn't do stupid things Coaching wasn't terrible I don't know I think as long as every team's Best defensive player spits on Dak Like one or two players plays in I think we got a shot

1:06:37Bill Simmons:Giants didn't have their left tackle today. I guess they're saving him for the Thursday game because they probably thought they had a better chance to win the Thursday game.

1:06:44Cousin Sal:Yeah. And with the left tackle, I don't know, kind of like the Giants.

1:06:49Bill Simmons:Rams, Titans in Tennessee. Let's see. Rams outdoor. I feel like we bet on this game and lost on the Rams 12 times since 1998. I have the Rams favored by two and a half.

1:07:02Cousin Sal:I put that right in the Sheen zone. It's actually, I should have put it in the Vegas zone. I said four. It's four and a half.

1:07:09Bill Simmons:That's too high. It's too high. I think it's high too. Tennessee's a whiff frisky. I'd be careful of them.

1:07:18Cousin Sal:They play so many games just in history, right, where they're in it for 58 minutes and then why? Oh, they lost by 11? How'd that happen? This is the castaway ball. What do you mean? Who is it?

1:07:30Bill Simmons:Oh, right, right, right, right. Yeah. Chuck Nolan goes to Helen Hunt's house.

1:07:34Cousin Sal:Yeah. And they're making small talk.

1:07:36Bill Simmons:And he's like, let me get one thing straight. Yeah. Tennessee has a football team. And she's like, we were so close. We were one yard away.

1:07:45Cousin Sal:Do you, be honest with me right now, you wept when they were making out in the driveway in the torrential downpour?

1:07:51Bill Simmons:No, I'm on record. I just think about the husband that whole time. Yeah, right. He just silently saw me upstairs in Fort Greene. That's the love of his life.

1:08:01Cousin Sal:Kept all your clippings. Let's go through these for four hours.

1:08:05Bill Simmons:Yeah, there's an intervention with the clippings in the dining room.

1:08:08Cousin Sal:Yeah.

1:08:08Bill Simmons:It's like, all right, the guys survived. Put the fucking things in the attic. What are you doing? Steelers Seahawks. Wow. In Pittsburgh. This could be yet another Cousin South special and yet another Steelers win, but don't cover the minus three. I have Steelers minus three.

1:08:32Cousin Sal:I hit it exactly. It's two and a half. Oh, you sheened me. Let me see what's going on here. Five to three. You got to catch up a little.

1:08:40Bill Simmons:Jesus Christ. I don't know how you got good at guest alliance. I know. Ramp and cheating. Ravens home for the Browns. Mm-hmm. And this number has to start with a nine. And I don't know whether it's going to be a nine or a nine and a half, but it's early in the season, so I'm just going to say nine. Oh, I said nine and a half.

1:09:03Cousin Sal:Swear to God, it's 11 and a half. Oh, this is everybody's eliminator. Well, they won or lost today, the Ravens. Will you fact check that for me? They lost. What? Their own one. They won a 40-25 with five minutes left.

1:09:19Bill Simmons:It was 40-25 and they lost somehow. Come on. I'm going to lose that game. 11 and a half. That's too high. I think that's too high on my notes. That's the division game. Flacco against his old team. We'll be putting the Ravens in a three-team tease with two other teams.

1:09:37Cousin Sal:No doubt about it. Let me tell you this. They're going to have more than seven yards in the second half, the Ravens. Broncos, Colts, it's Indianapolis.

1:09:47Bill Simmons:Has all the makings of the Colts are 2-0. Nobody saw this coming.

1:09:51Cousin Sal:It's got to be one of those teams, too.

1:09:53Bill Simmons:I'll tell you this. It's going to be a little bit of a different situation for them with the defense they're going against in this game versus the defense they went against today. I think the Broncos will be favored. I have Broncos by one and a half.

1:10:05Cousin Sal:That's what I had. We should have gone sheen zone. Two and a half. Sheened it? Fine.

1:10:11Bill Simmons:Sheened it up. Running out of space. We got the poopfecto with three games. Dolphins, Pats. Had to put in the poopfecto. Really? Considering both of them stunk today. Yeah. Wow. The Drake May thing bummed me out. It's a tough one because we had Jason Tatum, Drake May, and Roman Anthony were the trifecta for us. And Tatum got hurt. Roman Anthony was Ted Williams for two months. I'm watching. I watched more Red Sox this year than I have since the 2018 season. And then he hurts his oblique. And it's like timed perfectly that he's probably not even going to be able to be back unless they make like the second round of the playoffs.

1:10:52Cousin Sal:Yeah.

1:10:52Bill Simmons:So that sucked. And then Drake May, who we had all these hopes for. Wait, is he done? Drake Mays done? His stats were okay today, but I did not think he was that good today. Yeah, he wasn't that good. I thought he was sailing balls. He seemed skittish in the drives in the first drive, the first half, first drive of the second half. It just wasn't a great Drake May game. He wasn't running the ball. He just didn't seem like young Josh Allen. I didn't like it.

1:11:15Cousin Sal:Wow. I need more for my guy. I don't think he was ever young Josh Allen. This is what happens. That's what we wanted him to be.

1:11:21Bill Simmons:We wanted to be young Josh Allen.

1:11:23Cousin Sal:All right. Well, Josh Allen's losing 40-25 with five minutes left. So I think you could do that. He's going to be married to an Academy Award nominee.

1:11:32Bill Simmons:Speaking of nominees, our guy, our cuz. Game show, Emmy. Second one, Ben Stein's money and then this one.

1:11:40Cousin Sal:Right. First one he tried to give to Susan Lucci years ago because she had that long run of not winning. So yeah, good job by you, Jimmy. Did he cry during the speech or no? No, I don't think so. Has Regis Phil been alive? Still or no? He's dead, right? Regis and Alex Rebek took him out to dinner afterwards. I have the Dolphins favored by three over the Patriots. Yeah, you're losing this week. I said one. It's one and a half. Really?

1:12:08Bill Simmons:Come on. Anybody see my team today?

1:12:11Cousin Sal:Oh.

1:12:12Bill Simmons:Put up 13 points against the fucking Raiders. They have two guys on defense.

1:12:16Cousin Sal:The Dolphins were way worse than anybody. Tyreek's still crashing out. five hours after the game.

1:12:23Bill Simmons:I mean, if the Dolphins can't win this game, they're going to go 2-15.

1:12:27Cousin Sal:This is a... Is this... Do we cross off? First of all, do we have any cross-offs? And is this a cross-off?

1:12:32Bill Simmons:No, we don't yet. Because you can't cross off the Saints. You can't cross off the Browns. Okay. Because 9-8 might actually make the 7-7 in the AFC. I don't think we have any cross-offs. All right. Cardinals, Panthers, it's in Arizona. And this is another one where the Cardinals they're going to get a nice big fat favorite line that they probably don't deserve. But I have Cardinals by seven.

1:12:57Cousin Sal:Yeah, I didn't think it was that high. I'm glad they're being regarded like that. It's six and a half. I said four. Oh, so I get that one. You get it.

1:13:06Bill Simmons:The Panthers look bad. They gave up over 200 yards rushing. So they learned nothing from last year when I think teams ran for what, 3 ,000 yards on them?

1:13:14Cousin Sal:Yeah.

1:13:14Bill Simmons:And then Bryce Young was terrible. The only thing is McMillan looked okay as like a big, You could see the potential with it. Right. Other than that, not a lot going on there.

1:13:22Cousin Sal:Yeah, Travis at the end was all of a sudden Walter Payton. I don't know what they did there.

1:13:27Bill Simmons:Sunday night, Vikings, Falcons. It's in Minnesota. It's the... Did you forget one? Did we do San Francisco, New Orleans? No, I did forget one. You're correct. Poop fact, the last one. Niner Saints in New Orleans.

1:13:48Bill Simmons:I put it in the Vegas zone. I don't feel great about it. Five and a half. Niners, five and a half.

1:13:52Cousin Sal:I said six and a half. It's seven. Some of these garbage teams, you got to give a big number here. I see too many teasers. I got to stop looking at this. I see too many teasers. I like.

1:14:05Bill Simmons:Sunday night, Minnesota, home for the Falcons. I put this. I sheen this one. Vikings, minus two and a half.

1:14:11Cousin Sal:Yeah, I did too. They made it four and a half. Now, come on. Can we see this kid take a snap first before we make anything four and a half? I know the Atlanta's not great, but come on. Monday night, two games.

1:14:25Bill Simmons:Two Monday Niners this week. I thought they were going to be done with this. Is it next year that they're done with this? I like it. You do? I'll tell you another thing. I could have used a Europe game today at 6 in the morning waking up. Could have started the year. Oh, in the morning. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I could have started the year with Jacksonville, Carolina, and like fucking Zimbabwe.

1:14:44Cousin Sal:Wow. Well, we have nine Sunday morning games this week. So they could mix it up. Yeah. They could send the Patriots Miami to Zimbabwe. That'd be nice.

1:14:54Bill Simmons:Monday night, Houston home for the Bucs. I tic-tacked it. Houston minus one and a half.

1:15:02Cousin Sal:You should have sheened it. It's two and a half. We have our own dumb language. But you get it. You get it because I had one. Okay. Let's see if you could do anything. A seven to... Nah, it's over. Oh, it's over. 10-7, man. Jesus. What were Baker's MVP odds? I'm going to look this up right now. They were similar to... 33-1. We liked Love and they were similar, right? 33-1 is too high for him.

1:15:33Bill Simmons:Because that's a team... Yeah. In the NFC South, they could just go 6-0. He could end up like 13-4 somehow. Yeah, you got to do that. And be in the mix. 33-1 is too high.

1:15:45Cousin Sal:But you have Jordan Love, don't you? At 30 or 20? What do you have him now?

1:15:48Bill Simmons:25-1.

1:15:49Cousin Sal:He's 12 now. Already cut in half. Josh Allen's going to win the MVP.

1:15:54Bill Simmons:He's the best player in the league. And if he's not the best player in the league, Lamar Jackson is the best player in the league. Those two guys are the best two guys in the league. Whether you'd want Mahomes in a playoff game with your life, depending on it, fine. But day-to-day, week-to-week for four months, those are the two best guys.

1:16:11Cousin Sal:It's really hard to argue if Joe Burrow's not going to show up and put up fewer than 10 yards. Did he play today? Not the second half, no.

1:16:18Bill Simmons:Last one, Chargers-Raiders. It's in Vegas. And I predicted the overreaction Chargers favored by one and a half in Vegas line. No, I got this exact. It's three. Chargers by three. You're obviously cheating this year. Yeah, I'm cheating. You weren't this good for 20 years. Now your light's out.

1:16:39Cousin Sal:Well, I'm John Elway. Who's done that? I don't know. Somebody good. Let's go to this game. Let's do Guess the Lines from Vegas. Let's see the Chargers and Raiders. That sounds terrible.

1:16:50Bill Simmons:Oh, that's Monday night. Anyway, yeah. This episode is brought to you by ServiceNow. Look, I already have my dream job. I run the ringer. Argue with Chris Ryan, AKCR. But even dream jobs have not so dreamy parts. You know, the work that slows you down never seems to go away. That's where ServiceNow's AI specialists come in. They're like digital teammates who actually do the job start to finish. No handoffs, no homework. That means more time for the work that actually matters, which for me is talking about whether the 86 Celtics can beat the 96 Bulls, which they could. To learn how to put AI to work for people, visit servicenow.com.

1:17:25Bill Simmons:This episode is brought to you by PayPal. All right, parents, PayPal's on your team this back to school. I've been there myself. You're paying for sports gear, backpacks, sneakers, laptops. You've likely got multiple carts, your favorite online stores. Well, that's when PayPal comes in with the assist. Pay in four, no interest, no fees, truly game changing, subject to approval. Learn more at paypal.com slash pay in four PayPal Inc. NMLS 910457. Today's parent corner is presented by Uber Eats. Let's be real. It wouldn't be game day without a spread of your favorite foods, pizza, burgers, burritos, you name it.

1:18:06Bill Simmons:Uber Eats is here to deliver it to you all season long. What do you have for Parent Corner this week?

1:18:13Cousin Sal:I have a good one, but I feel like I'm in the bend zone. I know there's the Sheen zone and the Tic Tac zone, but I'm in the, where my high school kid, I can't risk him here and he'll just fucking flip out on me. So. Damn it. I have three of those a week. I know, I know. I'll tell you separately, but I do have one that I held on to from spring break. Actually, this is back in.

1:18:35Bill Simmons:I should have done this as the intro. Presented by Uber Eats, where we give our fifth best story about our kids because we can't say the first four.

1:18:42Cousin Sal:I probably have four Uber-related parent corners that are not flattering for the sponsor. So I wouldn't stick away from that. But I'll tell you this one. This happened a few months ago. So we were coming back from Cabo. It was February. It was a couple weeks after the Super Bowl. And I'm sitting in the airport in Mexico with the family. And the family's to the right of me. And I'm in a seat. and I'm looking down on my phone and I hear someone being ushered over in my area by like private security. And she sounds important and she smells good and she sits right next to me. And so I can't look up now.

1:19:16Cousin Sal:Right. And also I'm jaded anyway, so I don't want to, I'd rather keep looking at my work for a late night talk show.

1:19:22Bill Simmons:Yeah.

1:19:22Cousin Sal:Yeah. And also I'm looking at my phone, telling my losses for whatever shitty golf matchups I had it was Sunday afternoon. So I had to do that. So finally, after 10 minutes, I get up to use the bathroom or El Baño, as it's called in Mexico. And I leave my charger in the seat, right in the waiting area, right where I was. And then, because I'm coming right back, whatever. I'm just going to, I don't want to give up the seat. And I come back and the whole family is looking at me and laughing because moments before the important woman approached my wife and handed her my charger and referring to me He said, I think your father forgot his charger.

1:20:01Cousin Sal:She thought I was Melissa's father. And this woman, Jessica Alba. She thought I was 75 years old. The kids are dying laughing. The kids called me grandpa for like a couple of months, and I didn't acknowledge it, so it went away. That's what you should do, by the way, if you just don't acknowledge anything. Right. And maybe it'll go away. So thanks for nothing, Jessica Alba. You're not my dark angel. But there you go. Your father left his charger here. Oh, my God. Alba. That's unbelievable. That's a killer. That's a freaking killer. I got to get plastic surgery or something. I have to do something.

1:20:39Cousin Sal:I mean, they're laughing at me. I'm like, why are you laughing? She thinks that you married your father, basically. That's not a compliment to you.

1:20:47Bill Simmons:I've noticed that when I'm with my daughter because my daughter is pretty and she could pass for, you could think she's 20, but you also might think she's 25. And I could see people when they see us together now for like power walking and we're at dinner. Out here, sure. Yeah. Like 60 % of the people think I'm the dad and then 40 % think I'm some creep. That's not a good ratio. 21 year old trophy girlfriend. You can just see like certain people just kind of like, what the fuck, dude? That girl's 21. How are you dating her? It's like, no, no, we're related. Yeah. Uh, she's actually the subject of my parent corner this week.

1:21:22Bill Simmons:So, so she's around the same size as my daughter height wise. She's like my wife, she's like two inches taller than my wife. So they can wear a lot of the same clothes. And my son's maybe an inch and a half shorter than I am, but can wear all my t-shirts and they've been stealing clothes from us for, I don't know, ever, ever since they hit a certain height and it's gotten to the point it's beyond a thief. It's like 50 to 60 % of the fights in our house is somebody stole a favorite t-shirt. My daughter stole this sweater from my wife. My wife is helping her move in in Boston and found like nine things of hers that she's been looking for for like a year.

1:22:02Bill Simmons:And it's all we fight about. And my daughter does this really interesting like Jedi mind track with this, where she steals the thing. And then if she has it long enough, it became hers. right it's like squatting yeah yeah it's like it's like she's been here a year so it's now her property so when when i was there when we were moving her in for soccer in mid-august she was out she's like oh it's gonna be it's gonna be cold tonight i'm gonna wear my my my jimmy kimmel sweatshirt i'm like what jimmy kimmel sweatshirt somehow she had this sweatshirt that jimmy gave all of us that first year for christmas right it had the logo in the back it was blue.

1:22:42Bill Simmons:It looks like it's from a million years ago. And I always loved it. And I just thought it was gone. I left it somewhere. And it turns out she's had it for three years. And I got mad about the sweatshirt. And she's like, but it's my sweatshirt. And I was like, it's definitely not your sweatshirt. It was first year of the show. That's my sweatshirt. You took it. And she's like, I know, but I'm your daughter. So now it's mine. Why can't I have it? And I just think Like when does this end for us when our kids, because we, you know, we're the parents, we're supposed to give them stuff and we're supposed to put them above ourselves, which is what you do when you're a parent.

1:23:20Cousin Sal:Right.

1:23:21Bill Simmons:But does it extend the clothes? Because I have no white t-shirts left. Like I have to just go out because Ben's taken every white t-shirt I've ever had and just takes it. So if I want to have like, Oh, wear this blue shirt, I'm going to work lunch. I'll put a white t-shirt under and I have zero white t-shirts left, even though I used to have 17. what are our rights there as parents? Because I don't really know.

1:23:44Cousin Sal:I think, all right, by the way, that's what you're, now that he's an Emmy winner, is worth something. But I feel bad for you because the argument is stupid. Because she probably is like, you didn't miss it. You never asked for it in the last three years. And you're like, yeah, because I didn't know it was gone. You know, whatever. Right. I thought it was in there. I think this is why guys our age dress like idiots. Because we have to buy clothes that we know our kids won't steal. So we have the cargo shorts with 40 pockets on each side. And then we end up looking like buffoons going out to pick them up.

1:24:14Cousin Sal:And it is their fault. I don't know what we can do. I really don't, aside from that.

1:24:18Bill Simmons:I have this one light blue t-shirt that I love. And Ben just keeps taking it from me. And we fight about it like once a month. And he's like, it looks good when I wear it though. And just, I don't know. They just don't care. They just see us as ATM machines and things that they can just steal stuff from with no repercussions because there's going to be a moment much later in life when they're the last people that we can count on to take care of us.

1:24:40Cousin Sal:Right. Well, I'm already a grandfather, apparently according to Alba. Yeah.

1:24:45Bill Simmons:So I forgot about that. Your grandpa, Sal, your uncle, Sal did a bundle because you and Al serves two uncles on Wednesday, Rigger Gambling. He loves it. It's ridiculous. All right. I think that's it. Unless you have anything else.

1:25:01Cousin Sal:I think that's it. That's all I have. Uber Eats. I think they did well. Do you

1:25:03Bill Simmons:money on you. Oh, I got to do today's parent corner presented by Uber Eats. Get almost anything for game day, like your favorite game day foods, drinks, and snacks on Uber Eats, the official on-demand delivery partner of the NFL order. Now I actually used it today. I got some sandwiches from Giada. They have Giada in your hands?

1:25:20Cousin Sal:No, no, no. They do have Ralph's and I got a bunch of Coke zeros and watermelon from Uber Eats. Before we go. About the draft.

1:25:28Bill Simmons:Did you want to talk about that? Yeah, let's do that before we go. So So we have our vote out draft on Tuesday. And our friend Brad, who we've talked about a million times on this pod, who every year that he's alive is a miracle for all of us. It's just, it's year by year. And he's like LeBron. It's year by year. He could retire in a year. He might come back and be an all program. We don't know. He's been voted out three times before Tuesday's draft. And our friend Tony voted him out. and I thought Brad was going to toss an entire thing of ribs on me, which you somehow got a picture of. The one moment when I was like, oh my God, those ribs are going to go on my lap.

1:26:10Bill Simmons:He didn't do that, but he's very mad. And where do we stand now with Brad and Tony?

1:26:13Cousin Sal:So Tony has a consolation gift because he knows Brad loves ribs. He kicked them out. He did a funny bit about it. He had AI kick Brad out, which is actually a voice of a friend of ours, but a lot of inside jokes, so I won't get into it. But he did use a voice of a friend of ours that Brad recognized the boys. So now he's mad at two people. Very mad at her. He's going to hate her. She's on the enemy list. But then Tony leaves the room and brings out a gigantic plate of, it was like a framed poster-sized pan of ribs. And then Brad is now angry at Tony and he opens the tinfoil. Any other time, he'd be delighted and like pours nerds on him.

1:26:51Cousin Sal:I think that's the best result you could have asked for being right there in the Ames.

1:26:57Bill Simmons:worst result were the ribs ending up on my head or my lap. Best result was him pouring an entire bag of nerds. Yeah. And then he ended up taking some of the ribs, but then Mike August, our auctioneer who ate anything. And it just became a matter of time when Mike was going to have the ribs and scrape the nerds off the ribs or then just eat the ribs with the nerds on them, which he did.

1:27:16Cousin Sal:He did. And I'm not going to lie to you. I did as well. I had one. It's not that bad. It's good. I mean, you put like honey on ribs and like, you know, like sweet sauces. nerd ribs are the thing of the 20, 20, 30s. Well, I felt bad for Brad.

1:27:33Bill Simmons:Yeah. The draft's always more fun when he's, when I somehow was sitting next to him. So maybe I was the one that, that made out the best. So then Brad leaves, you call him, you get him an Uber. Oh yeah. He gets in the Uber. He doesn't, all of a sudden you get an email during our draft, we're drafting. Brad emails you that he left his phone in the Uber. So now you have to stop the draft. You have to call the Uber. Brad's already murdered your Uber stars.

1:27:57Cousin Sal:Oh, yeah. I went down three tenths of a rating easily.

1:28:00Bill Simmons:You do the lost item thing for the Brad. So the phone, it's an extra 20 bucks. You'd put that in. And then what happens after that?

1:28:07Cousin Sal:Yeah, this skid cost me 50 bucks because it's 30 to Uber him home. I had to get him out of there. He's tossing and turning, like you said, screaming in the Uber because he got kicked out. So that becomes the driver's problem. So my rating goes down. He gets home. He sends this email. It says urgent. I left it in the car. So now I'm talking to this Uber driver. He's like, all right, it's an extra$20. I'm like, go ahead, ding me for it. We got to get this draft going, 50 bucks. And then like another 10 minutes later, I hear from Brad, abort, abort. It's fine. I had the phone all along. So this whole skit cost me 50 bucks, kicking Brad out.

1:28:45Cousin Sal:Thanks for the laughs, Tony. Yeah, there you go, Tony.

1:28:48Bill Simmons:And now Brad, it's been five days and he's still like genuinely mad.

1:28:54Cousin Sal:Yeah, he's reported to other people. I think he's spared me of it because he's already cost me 50 bucks and some hardship. But yeah, he's plotting his revenge. So that's going to be fun. What does Brad's revenge look like? And does this become like a Hulu true crime documentary? There's nobody's going to die, right? I don't think so. Is it poor nerds down Tony and Joelle's throat in the middle of the night when they don't know it? I don't know. No, nobody's going to die.

1:29:21Bill Simmons:All right.

1:29:22Cousin Sal:Brought to you by Uber Eats.

1:29:27Bill Simmons:Uber.

1:29:27Cousin Sal:Yeah, we worked Uber back into the thing.

1:29:30Bill Simmons:Well, I missed Brad at the draft. It was good to see him. All right. So plugs for you. You're on the Ringer Gambling Show, which we're doing live on YouTube Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I thought we had a spectacular first week. Lots of fun, man.

1:29:44Cousin Sal:Yeah.

1:29:44Bill Simmons:I was power walking around on Wednesday listening to you and House and Dabundo just having a great one especially.

1:29:49Cousin Sal:Yeah. Well, yeah, I was walking around.

1:29:51Bill Simmons:I was like, this is great. This could go on for four hours.

1:29:53Cousin Sal:You've done good. I'm with Tate on Tuesdays. He had the Bundo and House on Wednesday and the Bundo and Heifetz on Friday. The Bundo's going to hate me by probably the playoffs. But all the shows are a lot of fun, informative, and live, like you said, noon Eastern, Monday through Friday. You fill the slot there, right there. And then your Friday Ringer 107. Yeah.

1:30:14Bill Simmons:And then the Sunday Ringer pregame, which I watched the entire one today, which was excellent.

1:30:21Cousin Sal:What was your pick? Your pick won, didn't it? Denver Moneyline Seattle plus three and a half

1:30:27Bill Simmons:oh that did win yeah yeah yeah that was a win barely that was good scraped it out alright try to protect your clothes from your kids I'll do the same and I'll see you in a week good job by you good job by you buddy thanks to everybody for staying on the live podcast thanks to Gahal and Eduardo as well don't forget Prestige TV podcast Task great show Sal you gotta watch Task we broke it down the first episode Me, Joanna, and Mahoney. And then a new rewatchable is coming tomorrow. We did Legend of Billie Jean with Helen Slater and Christian Slater. You probably don't have a ton of thoughts about that one.

1:31:02Bill Simmons:Do you? Maybe? No, I don't have anything. Fair is fair? Sort of?

1:31:07Cousin Sal:I really don't. I might go watch Helen Hunt. I might watch that scene over and over again. I do like that scene in the kitchen.

1:31:13Bill Simmons:You should watch the last five minutes of the Ravens-Bills game because... I didn't catch the result.

1:31:20Cousin Sal:The Bills won. Yeah, I think you blacked out. I don't believe you. You're a good friend, but I don't believe you with this kind of stuff. It's 40-25. Thanks, everybody. Sit down.

1:31:28Bill Simmons:Bye, Sal. See you, bud.

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1:33:41Bill Simmons:and it's all good too. Whole Foods has banned more than 300 food ingredients store-wide. Shop back-to-school must-haves at Whole Foods Market in-store or online.