Half-Baked Ideas and a Mega-Mailbag With Kevin Wildes and Joe House

21:02This, I just want to be honest with you. We've been doing this pod for like 15 years. Yeah. I've never texted you, hey, I've got a great half-baked idea. And you've never texted me, I've got a great half-baked idea. This is the first time ever. the very nature of the idea, if it is any good, then it's just an idea. It has to be fundamentally bad. So I feel like you violated the terms of engagement with this. Right.

21:31Bill Simmons:Okay. That's fair. So this, I hope that it's perfectly mediocre, which is the real sweet spot of half-baked ideas, but I do want to hear it. You've been teasing it for weeks. I'll give it to you now. And I really do think it's a perfect half-baked idea because I don't think it can happen, but I loved it. So we went, we went to Hawaii and we were there for a week and my wife loves dogs, right? We've always had two or three dogs basically since 2005. So like about day three, she said, you know, it'd be great. I'm like, what? She said, if, if you're away in a place like Hawaii and you could just adopt a dog for like two days, like a hotel dog it basically they have like there's a service and they know people are coming in and it's just like i'd like a golden retriever for two days to join me on my vacation and they'll bring oh we'll bring we'll give you millie and then millie comes in and she's a six-year-old golden and it's a female we walk her and she sleeps in the room with us and then uh and then she gets her dog fix we take her into the ocean yeah she's loving it and uh and we're paying them and then we return Millie near the end of the trip, like we would return the car.

22:45Bill Simmons:Like, thanks for Millie. Millie was great. We would absolutely run this back with her next time we're here. And Millie's having a blast too. She's had, everybody wins. We're the person who has the dogs, they're getting paid. Everybody wins. Maybe some rescue dogs. Maybe you end up taking the dog home. Maybe it's a cup of coffee to see if, maybe we take the dog back. Maybe it's like, you know, we love Millie. how much would it take? We just want to sign her up for the Simmons family for the rest of mankind. Is this too good of an idea or is it a half-paced idea? I've been at a hotel where they have a hotel dog that's just sleeping in the lobby.

23:26And it's very much like, hey, can we play with this dog? Like, yeah, but it kind of hangs out in the lobby. Can I take it for a walk?

23:32Bill Simmons:This is like how you go I don't know if you've ever used Turo. You go in Turo and it's like I want, it's basically like your own it's like a like a rental car but it's like you can pick pick like it's like a slightly higher level of cars so you can be like oh i really want like a ford explorer gotcha um and it'll be the same thing here i'd be like oh i'm on the dog site i really always have just wanted a great dane just two days with a great dane oh let's go to the site and be like oh when when we're in you know when we're in hawaii we'll get a great great thing it's exactly like i don't know if it's right for us, but I really want a St.

24:08Bernard.

24:08Bill Simmons:Right. Or I will try it right. St. Bernard. Maybe we'll get a great day in for two, St. Bernard for two and finish with the six-year-old golden. I don't know. Just keep bringing him back. There's something here, though. I think that's great. You know where they get you, though? The tennis ball rental. True. The tennis balls. It's like$20 a tennis ball.

24:31Millie only

24:32Bill Simmons:likes specific tennis balls. There's 60 a kid. how much is the chuck it yeah no millie you get millie $19 a day but the chuck it is $80 what it's a great one alright you go you're gonna love this one you're gonna love this one so I like FanDuel as we all do not a huge fan of losing money also not a huge fan of winning money So if I win 20 bucks, I'll be like, oh, cool. But if I lose 20 bucks, I'll be pretty furious. We should mention you're not really a gambler. No. Kevin Wilde's not like really fun to go to Vegas with. No, definitely not. Definitely not. Not a great time. But I want to sort of exercise my predictive powers.

25:26I want to be part of the conversation, et cetera, et cetera. and growing up my parents subscribed to yankee magazine like a new england magazine do you

25:38Bill Simmons:remember this magazine that was the first thing that ever published me yankee magazine really grad school i wrote this piece and the professor really liked it and i ended up got in a yankee magazine so i i think now it's a full full-size magazine but it used to be a mini magazine like farmer's almanac size. And in the back was this throwback where I did some research on it. I think they did this in the late 1800s called Yankee Swap. And this is where Yankee Swap came from. Where you say, hey, you know, I'd like a John Deere lawnmower and I've got a canoe. Anybody interested in, you would call you, if you want this lawnmower, I'm looking for the lawnmower, you're interested in a canoe.

26:20So you can trade stuff. Yeah. But you're not buying stuff. if you're just trading stuff that you got. So it's a little bit sort of like poly market. I want to be able to bet, but I just want to bet some of the stuff that I have versus some of the stuff that someone else has.

26:37Bill Simmons:So you bet like 1984 Sports Illustrateds. You'd be like, I'll bet all of these. I've got 10 of them, but I'm looking for a blender. Anybody want to put something up against me on that the Bills lose the first game against the Texans? First, like, yeah, I'm from Texas. I've got a big smoker. I'm like, oh man, that smoker is worth a lot. I've got a lacrosse net that my son's on. You're like, great deal. We punch it in on this eBay type app thing. And then that's the bet. And next thing you know, if I win, all of a sudden this guy sends me this big smoker. Yeah, that's gotta be baked in somehow. So eBay would have to like use some sort of system to judge a general value for everything that people put on.

27:23Well, no, there's an emotional value too. I just want to see, I'm taking Texans over Bills. I can see, I see who's on the other side of it and everything that they're offering. And then, hey, are you guys interested in this lacrosse net that I'm getting rid of until someone says yes. So I could say, I have the envelope that the Celtics got, the number five pick in the 0-7 lottery. that's cool i'm willing to bet this but i need i need some big stakes from the other side let's go

27:55Bill Simmons:what do you got and then somebody's like i have a paul newman jersey from slap shot like let's fucking go right now there you go that's a little more head yes that's like high stakes i'm doing more yankee swap style or like you're like trying to clean your garage out old rusty 25 pound weights anybody interested in them they're covered with rust like I'm looking for a weed whacker or after you got married like somebody gave you an ice cream sundae maker still in the box I've got a popcorn maker that shoots the popcorn all over the counter I'll be honest with you what do you want just any sort of Patriots coaster That's pretty good.

28:39Bill Simmons:So it's basically eBay and FanDuel merging. Yes. And becoming like a property swap cross with Ben. I think that's pretty good. That's like three-fourths of a baked idea. That was a good idea. Yeah, it's solid. Yankee Magazine FanDuel. That's crossed off. Do you have another one? I've got this one. I have some great reader ones. Okay. Including Matt from Edmonton. Said he's a longtime listener and enjoyer of hack-baked ideas. Oh, thanks, Matt. He wants to create a historical workplace comedy TV show that focuses on the janitorial staff at the Manhattan Project. And it's called Moppenheimer. No puns.

29:18Bill Simmons:No puns. Half-baked, that is? Okay. No, that felt like a pun that was... Yeah. Okay. Tommy Leonelli. We just dismiss Moppenheimer immediately. This one's great. This might be better than a half-baked. Okay. He's talking about express checkout at a hotel. You just check out. Your card settles everything. You don't think about it. He said, the worst part of any dinner ad isn't the wait for the table. It's the exit tax. That awkward 10 to 15 minutes at the end of a meal. You're flagging down the waiter, waiting for the pack. Totally agree. Meal's over. Great dinner vibes fade. You just want to get out.

29:49Bill Simmons:Half-baked idea. You go to the restaurant. You check in. The bill auto closes on checkout. Receipt hits your email. You tip on the phone from the parking lot. Do pre-tip, whatever. Hotels have been doing this forever. Why don't restaurants do it? that's actually better than a half bag that is that's a well i went out to dinner we had a show dinner yeah and i'm like i'm ready to go i was i was ready to go that i was done with the dessert we were like i'm gonna go i'm i'm you've been sitting in a chair for two hours i i'm just antsy i'm not watching spider-man here fellas i'm ready i'm ready to leave the conversation has now starting to plateau.

30:33Nick writes arguing with somebody about my homes. It's like, it's time to go. I'm ready to move. I love that idea. Yeah. I love that idea. Somebody should try that. Okay, you go. You're going to love this idea.

30:51Kids at camp, no phones, no digital appliances. Writing letters. We're writing letters to them. They're writing letters back to us. It's really nice. Kids' letters are usually disappointing. Well, I'll be honest with you. They don't put a lot into it. I don't know if they're... I don't know if they're putting... Not a lot of effort. But they're trying... It's not bad, but it's not necessarily what you would expect.

31:21Bill Simmons:Especially the boys. The boys are just... Boys are away at camp. Mom's having a stroke every day about it. And then the letter came in from Ben. Hey, mom. Hope you're good. Love Ben. There was a snake in the cabin. That was the highlight. Okay, someone did. Someone mentioned this concept to me on social media, but I couldn't find the Instagram message. So I apologize to this person, but I want to give them credit. Okay. Because you're about to be an empty nester. And again, even though I don't like puns, this was just a coincidence. And when Ben got into college, did he do the whole click the video and it pops up?

32:07You're accepted. Everything's now on the computer, right?

32:11Bill Simmons:No, it was an email. He didn't have that. An email? Yeah. That's even lamer. Yeah. Okay. This goes the other way. Okay. You go out to the mailbox. Oh my God. It is a five foot by five foot box and it's making noise. Ben, oh my gosh. I think this is what I think it is. You bring it inside, you open it up. Holy cow. It is a huge bird cage filled with pigeons, homing pigeons. Ben got into college and this is how you're sending them letters. The pigeons are from the college. This is where they were raised. Oh my goodness. So now you have to raise these pigeons for a little while until he goes off to school.

33:13Yeah. And then whenever you're ready, whenever he's settled, like, all right, honey, let's go grab a pigeon that you've been taking care of you put there get it nice yeah attach this letter to its leg and then it flies off because kids love you know records although they are very digital savvy the analog is starting to have a real comeback and there's nothing more analog than a homing pigeon now they can only go one way that's the issue i learned about this how How far can they go? Oh, my goodness. Then go to South America. Oh, yeah. Okay. They navigate via Earth's magnetism. They're unbelievable.

33:56Honing pigeons. Homing pigeons are back. Homing pigeons. Homing pigeons, yes.

34:01Bill Simmons:Why don't I say honing? Homing. Well, they hone in on where they're from. Homing pigeons. And this is a little bit of like, it's called empty nesters. Yeah. that you're an empty nester, but you have these pigeons. And then when you're out of pigeons, you've sent your seven letters. That's a sign. Oh, we've got to go see Ben. Boom. You fly back out there. And when you're there, you go to the bookstore. Oh, I'll take a dozen pigeons. What happens to the pigeon after it delivers the message? It just goes to live the rest of its life? Well, no, you have to go back to the bookstore now. You order 12 pigeons.

34:39Yeah. And then you take them back to LA. and they're ready to...

34:43Bill Simmons:Can they fit in the overhead compartment or no? No, you have to. They travel separately. Next to the plane. With the dogs. Next to the plane. Empty nesters. Kevin in Minnesota says, no one wants to take the keys from their aging, unsafe parents. Great call. Now you don't have to. They take the car in for an oil change. You've pre-arranged the mechanic to make the car self-driving. They outfit it with autonomous driving tech response to their actions, but not really. Now your parent thinks you're driving, but they're like a child at an arcade machine with no corners in it. The world's safe there.

35:25Bill Simmons:Your dad drives in the 90s, and he wants to call it Graymo. It's pretty good. Graymo. I'm like a kid in the arcade. Just press buttons. she whips it for two hours completely changed the car we gotta take a break we'll come back with more half pick this episode is brought to you by Mazda there's driving and then there's driving with peace of mind not just when you drive with me you drive with peace of mind I'm one of the great drivers but knowing you're behind the wheel of Consumer Reports' safest new car brand that's Mazda that's gonna give you peace of mind the Mazda CX-50 hybrid comes standard with a suite of proactive safety features so confidence isn't an upgrade.

36:12Bill Simmons:It's a given. Mazda, move and be moved. Visit mazdausa.com and discover how confidence comes standard. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. Visit mazdausa.com to learn more. Have Baked Ideas is back. By the way, Colin from Portland, Oregon, thinks MLB should do Metal Bat Sundays. Great take. just sunday's metal bats it would change the strategy picture they'd put their worst pictures in there because everybody's sitting in further it would probably end when there's a line one day i don't know if i need every sunday but just one day the field of dreams day so netflix netflix pays for metal metal bat sunday yep and it's just the game everybody gets to use the metal bat who says no that is a home run idea i'm watching okay and it's a it's a carve out oh regular old game oh what are we watching cardinals rangers no it's a metal bat game holy cow great take what a great take what else you got did i tell you a story about my buddy who ran a kb toy store have i ever told you this no but i still love kb toy stores they they had all the all the cards that they used to buy growing up they used to have the three packs oh the rack pack rack packs yeah yeah um all right so my buddy dan used to manage a KB toy store.

37:37And he came back to the dorms one day and he said, I got a great idea. I said, what is it, Dan? He said, I know the ins and outs of KB toy stores better than anyone. I said, okay. He said, I know the margins. I know it all. I said, okay. This is good. He says, there is a open storefront across from my KB toys. So here's my toy store. Dollar less than KB toys. Oh, almost like a Mocha Joe type thing. Right. I said, Dan, that is going to work. I just loved it. Just dollar less than KB toys. So a combination of that and my Fitts furniture, concept where we're just, it's furniture that fits in your house.

38:37We're just a one idea business.

38:44Had to call my bank the other day. Didn't go well. Didn't even speak to a human. What's your bank called? Only humans. Only humans is the idea. Get this. It's incredible. Only humans. No robots. Boom. Right away. Bang. You're talking. Hey, what's up? Immediately. Hey, what's going on? What's up, Bill? How are you? Hey, how's it going? You're going to love this even more. But no one's calling the chat, right? The first line of the first level of person that you talk to is what I'm calling

39:30MTIBS level employee. You call for something, this person, the first thing they say to you, man, that is bullshit. Immediately. You're like, yes, thank you. Thank you, Brian. I can't believe we're doing that. That is bullshit, man. Yes, it is. That's what I'm saying. That's a double charge. He's like, yeah, let me get you to somebody. So the first level of defense, they're not... That guy's just on your side. He's immediate. Yes. They have no idea what's going on in the bank. He's not suspicious. He's not trying to pull something over on him. No, they have no training. They've never even been to the bank.

40:09They have no banking background at all. They are just immediately on your side. And that's our loyalty component. And then at the next level of only human's bank, then you'll get to someone that can actually help you. But you're already in a good mood because someone had heard you out. It's a great idea.

40:26Bill Simmons:I mean, it could run in concert with my idea of no babies on this plane airlines. Just everybody's 10 years and older. That's great. That's it. It's just, there's just no babies on this one. We have a baby specific plane. We have a 10 year old cutoff. It's like an amusement park ride. You have to be over this certain height to get on the roller coaster. You have to be 10 years enough to get on the plane. It's a great take. PAB, he sent his initials as an acronym. He really liked your half-baked idea about youth sports training to be an intramural champion, which you did in the last one. But he thought you should take it a step further.

41:08It's an entire youth sports league built around just the best possible experience

41:12Bill Simmons:for the parents. Wow. All parents who know that their kid's not getting a college scholarship. he said tournament locations always coincide with great peaches, great peaches, casinos or sporting events. You can attend as a fan. The hours are set up so you can go out drinking with the other parents at night. Um, no bad weather bartenders at all events. And you get credit for spending the weekend at your kids volleyball tournament. Take it from there. It's half baked. Can I add one thing that I think is very important? Yeah. The kids don't try out the parents do.

41:50so the you know the hockey team oh it's tryouts tonight the kids are playing hockey but the coaches are upstairs at the bar watching people interact oh man i don't think jimmy's gonna make it past the first tryouts he was drinking before we got here it's like you're very nervous and some people are like in full suits. They like really want to make the team. Yeah. I was like, I think you're going to make it.

42:14Bill Simmons:I think the reason this is a half-baked idea is I think people would have ringers. They'd have ringer kids in the league so their kids could dominate. The wins and losses are not the point. For the parents, there's still games. You still have to get competitive on the sidelines. It's just the expectations are lower. Or maybe you don't. I don't know. competitive at all so russell played in like at one point russell played on somehow four baseball teams in one calendar year and one of the teams the games were literally across the street from our house and we would walk there yeah and it wasn't the highest quality baseball in the world but it was your favorite league he's ever been in yeah it was he and he loved it yeah he the kids want to just have fun like i know that's a crazy concept he absolutely loved i think that's a great idea.

43:08I like the parents trying out part. If you get on a team with parents that you're not really rocking with, it's rough. Call at the bar like, hey, yeah. Bill is a nice guy.

43:22Bill Simmons:It is like a baseball clubhouse. You can have one bad apple parent, but if you have two, the wheels come off. Or the NBA is an even better example. Get away with the one head case, but if you have the two head cases that can start becoming buddies... Not great. Wheels come off. Speed round. Speed round. Tell me if you want to stop on any of these. Number one, kids want medium-sized ice creams. Adults want a small scoop. Kitty size should be two scoops, and the adult size should be one. World Cup, grabbing shirts and jerseys. Wait, hold on. So you're saying the kids scoop, when I say a kid scoop now, it's actually twice as much ice cream, and the adult single scoop is less than the kid scoop.

44:04Bill Simmons:Yeah, why wouldn't they do it that way? I go up there. Billy says, I want two birthday party bonanzas and another scoop of Oreo madness. And I'm like, can I have one kitty scoop of mid-chip ladies? It sounds ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Do you have any vegan flavors? I'll have the adult scoop. The adult scoop is small and manageable. The kitty scoop is gigantic. That's good. One for one at speed round. World Cup. Grabbing shirts, jerseys. Everyone should wear skin tight spandex like a scuba diver. You would never be held and you're faster. Number three, a stadium specifically designed to put the crowd into an ornery mood.

44:46Number four, 35 pound remote. Number five, loser plane. Again, the loser plane is just when I don't have this one. This is not probably that big. It's why it's running anchor leg on the speed round. When teams have to fly back and like, oh, it's going to be a rough. that's going to be a rough plane ride. I don't know if I want to be on the plane, but some sort of misery loves company, just a miserable, a miserable plane.

45:16Bill Simmons:Wait, can we go back to ornery stadiums? Yes. We want to hear the story behind the ornery stadium? Well, because I was thinking like in kidnap movies, like in Ransom, when they play, the person in the dark room, they're playing like really terrible electronic rock music. Yeah. Like pulsating music so they can't hear the conversations? Got you, yes. Are you thinking that? Like you'd put the fans kind of uncomfortable with the environment? Or what are you thinking? The genesis of this is we went to the Texans-Patriots game in the rain. And I didn't realize when we were pulling up, people were in full ski outfits, which I don't own a head-to-toe ski outfit.

45:56I just had regular warm clothes.

45:59Bill Simmons:Or they were the plastic thing that goes over your whole everything. Yeah. So I just had regular heavy clothing on. We get to the stadium and the seats are soaking wet. I'm like, all right, well, we're not sitting. I would have liked to sit if it was a sunny day. If I was at SoFi, if it was Patriots, Texans, I would have sat down at least once. Can't sit down. My seat is ruined. So I don't know if it's wet seats, smaller seats. Again, I don't know if the technology is there. Occasionally, some spikes come up and maybe spike you a little bit. It sounds like they're trying all of this with the new Buffalo Bill Stadium.

46:44Bill Simmons:Obstructed seats, small scoreboard. But I don't buy, this is the central premise. Yeah. The more comfortable the seat, the less energy you have. That's sort of the point, right? If you're in a nice, huge recliner, you're not going to be fired up. Right. And if you're sitting on the ground and, you know, WW1 in a trench, you're going to be ready for action. So I don't want a more comfortable stadium. I want to be slightly uncomfortable. Maybe that's like old Fenway in me, but I want to be the stadium. The whole thing can be designed. I don't want to be annoyed, but I want to be ornery. It's a very fine line.

47:26I don't quite know how to balance it. Maybe it's like the clips they play in the Jumbotron and they're just stuff that people don't really like.

47:34Bill Simmons:Like it's season eight of Entourage. Like, oh, I hate this season. Oh, man, Vince had the drug problem. Yeah, this season sucked. Yeah, you want another one? Yeah. Hold on. Whoa, let me give you a quick... Oh, this is a good one. I was going to give you a quick one from Adam. Tattoo QR codes. great people have tattoos you don't know the meaning behind them there's a little qr code next to it if you're interested you just but you just put your camera on it it's like here's the story about tattoo that's good for people with tattoos as well so when bill murray gives you that card you had an interaction with bill murray or whatever steve martin does it so they don't have to keep on explaining i'm i'm all for more qr codes anyway really yeah not in restaurants No, no, no.

48:24Bill Simmons:I like QR codes in general. I like when they pop up on ads. But not men. Just outside of menus. I don't want to do it on a menu. I don't mind the menu. Oh my gosh. You sit down and there's a QR code sitting like attached to your counter. I would say menus are probably top five most disgusting germ filled thing that you could probably touch. Number one being the screens on an airport on the, on the seat in front of you, those screens. I'm convinced they're not wiping those down every fight. Well, I have number one, the smiley face or frown face on the bathroom exits. Like pole, which I do like that, but I'm not touching that.

49:07It's a little bit gross. Game that tune. Okay. Game that tune. So when we watch sports, we watch it through a few different lenses. We watch it through an entertainment lens, a sense of history, historical lens, a community lens, friends, family. My kids are watching games through a pure participatory lens. They play flag football. We're watching football. So everything that they're looking at, they are inserting themselves into the game. To the point where, when we're watching the game, Dad, how tall is he? How tall is Will Campbell? I think he's six. What's his 40 time? Do you think I could beat him in a race?

50:05No, I don't think you could beat Will Campbell in a race. Do you think if I could beat him in a race with a five-second hit? No, guys. But then they start to hurt their feelings. We start showing them videos of Larry Allen. Look how fast Larry Allen is, guys. You can't do this. Then I'm starting to beat them down, though. Hey, do you think the entire flag football team could beat Khabib in a fight? Probably not. He's going to be bad. How about two flags? Enough, guys. Enough. That being said. Yeah. I saw another video. Two pro beach volleyball players versus 20 rec league volleyball players. I was super into it.

50:50so it's gain that tune i like that we'll start with three on three basketball yeah and the the how you could normally see this idea is oh i get it three pros versus 10 joes pros versus joes let's see how it works out but here's the gain that tune element of it remember name that tune I can name it in 10 notes. I can name it in eight notes. So on one side, suppose you had Steph, Steph, Clay, Draymond, okay? Because everything's historical. On the other side, we've got J.R. Smith, Kevin Love, and Richard Jefferson. Now they are competing to see how big of a challenge they are willing to accept. So they start off to say, all right, we can beat three rec league basketball players two junior high school players, and five of fifth graders.

51:48I mean, this was the best thing about Name That Tune, watching people up it. Yes. Be like, oh my God, don't do three. I'll see that. You know what? Add two more high school seniors. Holy cow. They're going to go five on three? Oh my God. Keep going. Add an 80-year-old. Like an 80-year-old. It starts to get weird. Eventually, like, all right, you do it. And then the other team becomes the coach because a lot of times it's just a strategy issue. So if Steph and Draymond and Clay accept it, okay, Kevin Love and Richard Jefferson become the coaches of the team. Do it for basketball, volleyball, I've seen it work for.

52:26I saw there was a Japanese game show. It was three soccer players versus I think 100 maybe third graders. Sadly, I saw this. Yeah, I saw this. they needed they had no shape um there was 10 goalies but they needed some real coaching there too so game that tune so we can actually see like all right i don't know if you guys could be could be but now it's kabib and another ufc guy and they can the ufc would probably i'll leave that to the side maybe non-compact sports that's pretty good game that if if larry bird and magic johnson were playing horse for 10 million dollars eight o 'clock on abc on tuesday night would you watch yes i would too one-on-one sports i'm into i think like things with old people that we used to love doing something that hopefully won't get them hurt like i would just be fascinated like larry bird a three-point contest how many could he make now like he's he's i think he's 70?

53:33Well, Bob Cousy made all those shots in blue chips, remember? That was great. Are we in danger of soiling the legacy? That's why it's a half-baked. This half-baked is from James in Nashville. I think you're going to be horrified by this. Gee whiz, that's a bad way to start. He said there's dumb companies like Cameo that let celebrities connect with the public where they send you the messages. I thought Cameo was a nice company I'm giving you what James is telling you

54:05Bill Simmons:but he says why don't we take it a step further what if you could pay money to get a little bit of a celebrity's blood transfused in you for example he actually mentions Larry Bird you find out Larry Bird's blood type if it's a match you could have him donate some drops to put in your body and then you could tell people you have NBA championship blood in your pants. Jesus, God. I don't even know if that's a quarter-baked idea. I don't know about that one. Yeah, I don't know about that one either. I mean, I just came off of Spider-Man. That's what happened. Oh, is it? Well, me, he's a spider. Oh, and then...

54:45That was the concept. A little bit of play, but it's too weird. That probably doesn't pass the... It's too weird.

54:55Bill Simmons:That's too weird. This one wasn't weird, though. Adam in Chicago said we did speech karaoke. We talked about that in a previous episode. It exists. In Chicago, there's a place called Chicago Movieoke. And you can go there and you can give speeches from different movies. Chicago had something. Chicago's always the best. Chicago had something else. Huge baseball with no gloves or something. That was from about last night. The 16-inch softballs with the no gloves. yeah I wasn't aware of this Chicago's the answer to all of this Adam said he went there a couple years ago and he did the rushing dragging scene from Whiplash so does someone else have does someone else need to play the drummer I don't know that's just the information he gave me he just kept on doing this not my tempo that would be fun I would love that pretty good idea I think I'm out of half-baked ideas Bill alright I got one more from Craig in Las Vegas he said he works in an office with several other professionals and the family photos each of us have displayed in our offices are woefully out of date he wants a service that comes to your office on an annual basis they have access to all your social and they just update your photos once a year like you you have a picture of your two boys but it's from when they were like in fourth grade and second oh the service comes in is like wilds those photos are for your kids are older now like you need to do photos and they just cut they just kind of come in one day 25 bucks just come in and change the photos do i you've already signed up you can't do anything about it but do i need a current photo of my children every year they go on your social media they grab them they have access to your private your facebook your wife's facebook well remember i had the idea of funeral photos yeah a photographer that would come on here i was looking at the obits the other day and they're putting in these pictures of these old people and they don't want to oh 85 year old maud passed away they took a picture of the other day that's not what maud wants to look like so i think i think it should be like age 30 or 35 and it's just like it's the standard funeral photo.

57:1625? 30? 25 is too young, though. You probably just look like yourself. No, but we just know.

57:22Bill Simmons:It's every time there's ever an obituary photo, the person's always 30 in it. It's just we all make a rule. I just don't want to... If I died and you came to my funeral and I had a 25, you're like, heck, that doesn't look like that. I don't know. 35? You know, I think I had the photo in your contact. You had a mustache. I just saved it. I just thought it was the funniest one. Other people should probably pick them. Do you save your friends the contact photo? Do you put pictures of them so when they call you, there's a picture of them? I do that too. But then I guess it's the program has changed where you can suggest a photo and it pops up.

58:04I'm not into that. No, I like picking the photos. Yeah, I have good photos. That you want to view. No, of my friends when they call. it's photos that I've selected. So when I see them on my phone, it's like, Oh yeah, I'm laughing at them. There he is. He's having a blast. My guys are always having a blast. Do you have, do you on your, I'm not going to ask you this.

58:31Bill Simmons:It's too much personal information for me. Phone address book habits of whether it's people in your everyday life, you just have their names, but if you don't talk to them much, but you want them in your phone, I put a Z next to their name. A Z? Yeah. So they're on the bottom. Oh, brutal. So I don't, but then I don't go through the phone book though. I just type in people. It's just easier to go through. Yeah. You don't think I should do that? You're treating it like a digital Rolodex. Yeah. There's like levels in my phone. So you've got triple A, somebody's triple A. No, it's all, it's all double Z's for everybody other than like 75 people.

59:09Two tiers. Yeah. No one moves up to A. Sometimes people move up.

59:15Bill Simmons:They do. You know what? They're in my life a little more than being a ZZ. Now they're just, now they're moving up. They hit the full name of my phone now. It's pretty good. Wow. You've always been wilds in my phone. Yeah. In a W. I'm way back there. I'm basically one step above disease. Yeah, but it's very limited group as you go through. I'm in the bottom. All right, football's in a month. It's going to be great. I just can't wait. Patriots facing a must-win and early FanDuel eBay. It's Texans over Bills. If anybody wants to bet me any specific thing that they have, pitch me what you're willing to trade me, and I will go through my garage and basement to see if there's anything that I think lines up to equal value and we can get a bet on the board.

1:00:09Bill Simmons:Are you going to film a new commercial for First Things First this year where they do the edits where it's like you guys are in different poses and then you're mad, but then you're happy. Yeah, the Anchorman stuff. I like that stuff. Yeah. I was going to have a production company called Head Turns and Finger Points. It's just, we would specialize and then reverse it. Well, you know, the best ever at that was 90210. That was my favorite thing was the opening credits. Just because they would do the.

1:00:40Bill Simmons:It works. It's great. Ian Ziering had clearly practiced it for months before he was ready to do season six. Anyway. All right. Wow. It's great to see you. I'll see you before the end of the year for near holiday half-baked. Love it. If not before then. Good to see you. All right. Go Patriots. Thanks, buddy. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Imagine you're running a professional sports team. Nice. Imagine the player contract report is due today. Not so nice. You've got performance notes from the coaching staff. You got a salary spreadsheet from your analyst, three rounds of back and forth emails with the agent, and all of it is scattered absolutely everywhere.

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1:02:58Bill Simmons:This episode is brought to you by 20th Century Studios. The Dog Stars, only in theaters and IMAX, August 28th. Visionary filmmaker Ridley Scott returns with a gripping post-apocalyptic thriller when a mysterious radio transmission shatters a lone pilot's isolated existence. He embarks on a dangerous journey in search of hope. Starring Jacob Elordi, Josh Brolin, Margaret Qualley, Alison Janney, and Guy Pearce. The Dog Stars, only in theaters and IMAX, August 28th. Get tickets now. So this mailbag episode is brought to you by ChatGPT, the official AI sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. I actually used ChatGPT work for, I think it's the third or fourth question that's coming up here with Joe House.

1:03:44Bill Simmons:You'll see in a second, but it was very helpful. It's a strange question and I needed the help. So let's get to the mailbag and you'll see what I mean. All right, Joe House is here. We're gonna do some mailbag stuff. of House and the Ringer Gambling Crew. We have changed the name of Ringer Gambling and is now Ringer Wise Guys. And on Monday, it's a soft relaunch, but we're going to be available on Twitch as well. And the Ringer, we are reviving our Ringer account. So you can find Ringer Wise Guys on the old feed on Spotify and everywhere else on pods, on Twitch and on YouTube. And we're doing division previews.

1:04:18Bill Simmons:You did your AFC East one on Friday. Raheem passed on two of the teams, which I thought was incredible. He had numbers. His model obviously is telling him some numbers and he's sharing what the model says, but he didn't have a strong conviction. So he didn't want to like jump in with heavy action. Make a lean. Heavy action. I've yelled at everybody. We're going to make actual picks on Ringer Wiseguys. Do you feel good about the name chain? We were Ringer Gambling Show for a long time. Ringer Wiseguys is strong. We've been that for a little while as well. we're gonna do a we're doing ringer 107 again with a tweak of four picks during the week and then last second picks on sunday we'll be excited okay that'll be fun mailbag stuff so i had a bunch of these thanks to everybody who sends them in i always enjoy them i haven't sent any of them to house mike wants to know he was talking about the uh adley rutchman trade oh and we gave up five prospects for, oh my God, we gave up our second, fourth, and fifth prospects for, and it just seems like a lot.

1:05:23Bill Simmons:And he was saying how he was 10 years old at the game when Jeff Bagwell got traded for Larry Anderson, which was a famous, terrible Red Sox trade. He says, it's taken me 36 years to realize something. MLB trades for prospects are the equivalent to NBA trades for draft picks. Trading Rutschman for three of our, getting him for three of the top five prospects is like trading a first and two second rounders in the NBA draft for a quasi all-star, right? So I was thinking about this. I think he's right. And I've always been a big get the real guy over the prospects. But then when you actually see the lists and the numbers, it's more intimidating than these amorphous first, second round picks.

1:06:05Bill Simmons:But I think he's right. Like what the Red Sox did basically was they traded an unprotected first, a heavily protected first, and some seconds for a 28-year-old catcher who's really good. And that made me feel better. There are good examples out there of teams, you know, doing that kind of asset collection, getting the prospects. And then once you have that basket of prospects, if the team surprises you at any point, then you have something, then you have real leverage and real currency to do something. and that's kind of the position. Now, Washington... It's like Charlotte with a bunch of firsts and seconds in the NBA right now.

1:06:47Bill Simmons:If they want to make a move, they have cap space, all these things to do. Yeah, that's right. Do you agree with this? I do. I think football is much harder to... Football, they have that whole chart and they're very determined. The chart said this and pick 32 is worth this and they traded 32 for 74. That's all draft value. These are human beings. The prospects in baseball are real guys. It's different from in the NBA where now we have, you know, a protected first and three seconds. Well, who are the guys? No effing idea. Right. Or like one of the picks the Celtics got for Jalen was like, well, the Clippers, it might be Clippers.

1:07:28Bill Simmons:It could be the Sixers. It's like, I can't keep track of any of this. Burridge from Mississippi. he says in the year of our lord 2026 what do steve kerr draymond green and the immortal step curry have to play for what indignity what slow moral rot has taken the greatest dynasty since kobe's lakers and dragged it into this valley of mediocrity i ask this not as a word hater but as a student of decline a man who has studied the fall of empires and finds this one every bit as instructive as Rome's if considerably less dignified. So I thought that really poured it on there. I admire the inspired verbiage.

1:08:15It did make me think though, and I know we've already

1:08:17Bill Simmons:talked about this and Curry and Curry's, he's retiring as a warrior, like it's a wrap. And sadly, the Warriors know this, but we haven't had a lot of these where it was like something real happen for an extended bunch of years of the team that won titles. And then there comes an end to it, right? And so we saw with the Magic Lakers and Bird Celtics. So the MJ Bulls, which was abrupt. Magic's Lakers had figured out how to kind of keep it going. They got Vladdy, Devatch, and Perkins, and then Magic came down with his diagnosis and that was kind of ended it. Celtics just got old. they never replenished it.

1:08:55Bill Simmons:Jordan's Bulls, that was like, we're rebuilding and rebooting. We don't want you guys anymore. They made the decision easy. And then Shaq and Kobe with the Lakers, that was a Shaq-Kobe, one of us has to go type of situation. They had to reboot that. They were able to get the Gasol miracle and get a couple more years out of it. This one's pretty unique. this one's almost almost like the 92 Celtics like that range with bird parish McHale except they had Reggie Lewis and Brian Shaw and D Brown and they had this youth infusion and they kind of did have a two timelines thing whereas the Warriors don't and I just wonder timeline yeah how does this go what like what and everybody signed up for two more years basically so what happens none of us think this is this is like barely a playoff team there's still a trade to be had out there with the jimmy butler situation and if we're going to be you know appropriate about it they did try jimmy butler got hurt they were a pretty goddamn good team when jimmy butler could play true and they kind of were directionally going you know arrow pointing up to an additional asset at a trade deadline if Jimmy Butler hadn't gotten hurt.

1:10:15Like they were looking like they could be a kind of interesting playoff team. Yeah. Yeah. But, but the Butler injury changed everything and you can't immediately pivot. It's the, you know, the salaries are complicated. The salary cap is complicated. And so we are wondering what the hell's going on. because we didn't see them make what seemed to be a genuine effort at Jalen Brown. Okay. Well, it seemed like they thought they didn't want Jalen Brown. Right. It seemed like they did want LeBron. They don't want Jalen Brown at that price. They would love to have LeBron for$4 million or$8 million or whatever it was, and then use that as a way to bring in another player that could actually help them compete.

1:11:01But they're kind of stuck now for a little while.

1:11:04Bill Simmons:So the question is, are you stuck forever? or are you stuck until December, January? And is there an actual plan? We're going to use the Butler expiring, especially as it gets closer to February. We're going to canvas the league and see what two to three unhappy teams are there, situations that went sideways, and we have a better chance to make a good trade then. We can hang around for a couple months. Because, listen, these guys, Laka, I think, cares about his standing in the community and going to games and not being yelled at. He's got his kids involved, or at least one of them with the team.

1:11:38Bill Simmons:I just don't see them rolling over and going 37 and 45 now for the rest of the career. So I feel like there's going to be a move. So I think we're aligned. I agree. I think they didn't like the moves now. Right. But my guess is December, January, February, if they're around over 500, they go out. I agree with this. Okay. So it's not as dark as the fall of Rome. I guess it would be my bigger point. Crumbling empires and dynasties. Kyle from New Jersey, you broke out the t-shirt the last time of the, uh, of. Jamlin Brown on colonoscopy day. Yeah. He asked, would you say we've gotten to the point where you have, you've had the most famous colonoscopy of all time?

1:12:20Bill Simmons:My sister got one recently. I still thought of you over her. I guess that's the bar. Not sure if there are any other famous colonoscopies. Kyle, you're dead wrong. Uh, I actually went to chat GPT to figure out if there were other ones. Cause I, I always thought of the Katie Couric one. That was the famous one. That is the famous one. It's so funny you mentioned that. There's a more famous one. More famous? Chat GPT came up with five. Ronald Reagan in 1985, because they found blood in his stool and they found a cancerous section of his colon and he made a recovery. And that was like apparently the first real screening.

1:12:53Bill Simmons:Katie Couric after her husband tragically died. Kimmel had one in 2018. Yep, I remember Kimmel. Ryan Reynolds and Rob Mack filmed a whole thing in 22 and Terry Crews filmed his in 23 and sent it out to all his social media. So there are five that would work there. I don't think I'm in the top 20. Those are public health, you know. The whole thing is about the public health. You didn't intentionally schedule yours with a public health message attached to it, but it turned out to be a famous day. See, I think you did more for colonoscopies than me because you've talked about them on multiple podcasts about how great they were and how great the NAP was.

1:13:31Bill Simmons:and you didn't mind drinking the gross thing you have to drink twice? Nope. I felt the same way. Jeff from Richmond wants to know, Harbaugh and McCarthy won a title at Michigan, but is it possible J.J. knew the defense's play calls in advance and that's why he's looked basically so terrible as an NFL quarterback that this was a lemon all along? A conspiracy bill didn't entertain this one. well remember when he came into the league there was some eyebrow raising around where he was selected it wasn't like you know there was that that natural question system guy guy in the perfect situation situation guy coached up properly um you know the play calling was very solid or is there there you know natural talent that's going to jump over that stuff intangibles um i I got a bunch of questions about the basketball Hall of Fame, which is coming up next week.

1:14:35Our friend Doc Rivers is going to make it in as a coach. Congrats to Doc. The question I get the most is who should be in the Hall of Fame but isn't? And you can go a bunch of directions with that. Seriously? Everybody's in the Hall of Fame. Who isn't in the Hall of Fame?

1:14:50Bill Simmons:So the natural reaction is, oh, everybody's made it at this point. This is one of the reasons I wrote my book a while ago. The Hall of Fame's a mess. the whole thing there's seven guys who should be in the hall of fame and art and i'm going to read them to you in order and we could talk about them really quickly um paul silas who was on three title teams in 74 76 celtics 79 uh sonics and then played in another finals as well um he was basically 10 points 13 rebounds a game for the playoffs from 70 to 76 played 1400 games was the best defensive forward of that decade other than the busher was the glue guy most respected locker room guy for that whole decade to the point that when the Celtics didn't keep him Dave Cowens was so mad he retired for two months and I think with some of the people we've let in I would have him in especially because he coached too and was just such like a beloved guy that was one that struck me when we were growing up he was an awesome I would say like a little bit Draymond Greenish as like, not an all-star, but like important.

1:16:00So that's one. Bill Lambeer. Center on two champs and a finals runner up five straight Eastern conference finals,

1:16:11Bill Simmons:basically double doubles for all of that for 10 years was 14 or 11 with 50 % field goals. One is in the mix for rebounding titles, only missed four games in 10 years and was the most annoying opponent of the last 45 years, hands down. Everybody hated this guy, but he was memorable. I hate making the case for him, but... Zero all-star game appearances, right? Zero all-NBA teams? Right, but Michael Cooper just made it. Yeah. That's where it's like, if Michael Cooper's in, we have to start thinking about Bill Embiid. The thing with Embiid, the three-pointer was there the first decade, but basically the three-pointer came in in 80.

1:16:49Bill Simmons:but I think if he if you transported him from 81 to now yeah he's a really dangerous like 2026 player he's a classic Mrs. era guy did you did you hate Bill Embiid because I think he's the most despised Celtic opponent of my lifetime I hated him because I hated the Pistons for what they did to Jordan uh yeah you know MJ was my guy you know in in that that era and I was just you know, enraptured by every time MJ was on the floor in those playoff games. Yeah, there's someone they're trying to hurt him. Against the Pistons. Yeah. Exactly right. Yes. Tom Chambers, who when I did my book in 2009 was 96 in my pyramid, was just really good.

1:17:30Bill Simmons:He made two second team All-NBAs. He was 27 and 8 for two straight years in 89 and 90. Two Western Conference Finals, was a part of the 93 Finals team. I wrote down the best forwards From basically second half of the 80s Through 91 And I think he's in the top 10 Bird, Malone, Barkley, Mullen, Wilkins Worthy, Mikael Pippen, Chambers, Rodman I have as the one Now you can nitpick with two of those guys I had in my book he was the starting power forward On the white guys who played like black guys team And then There's a whole what if thing with Chambers And Worthy and the Clippers and Lakers in 82 If he's just on the Lakers his whole run could he have just been he wasn't the defender james worthy was but would he have been a worthy like offensive player because we saw it in the 87 all-star game when he won the mbp and he was awesome it's easier to to project him in not only because of the the all-star and the all nba but um the prolific scoring like i i i can see it i can see i know what a shot looks like that helps i don't know i can't remember what paul silas's shot looks like He just played in the deadest of dead era.

1:18:41Silas did.

1:18:42Bill Simmons:Chambers is the first two guys I mentioned. I think there's a case. Chambers should be in. These next five guys should be in guys. Because even when I did my book, I had him in the top 100. Gus Williams, we talked about in our previous pod. I don't need to do that one again. Gus Williams is outrageous that he's not in. I agree with this. Kevin Johnson is not in. And there might be reasons for this off the floor. but resume-wise belongs I don't need to go through it but when I had him did my book he was 93 these last two are fully outrageous to me Sean Kemp not in three second teams second best guy in the 96 Sonics who really kind of threw some punches back at the 96 Bulls who might have been the greatest team of all time three-year peak.

1:19:35Bill Simmons:This is outrageous. Basically a 2010 guy. In the playoffs, he was 21-10, 57 % field goal. Outplayed Hakeem Olajuwon in a playoff series. Beat Carl Malone in a playoff series. And thrived against Dennis Rodman in a playoff series. And then was one of the most memorable dunkers of all time. And the Lister dunk is in the Pantheon. Not to mention the Sonic. It's yet another slight against Seattle fans that he's done it, in my opinion. Well, and he tried to build a legacy by having as many kids as possible, which can't go overlooked. I mean, I should have mentioned that spread the camp legacy. Yeah.

1:20:11I don't need to go to the hall of fame right now and pick five guys that I know for sure. Sean fucking campus. So like, I don't want to name names. Let's not, it's not nice or appropriate, but Mitch Richmond is in the goddamn NBA hall of fame and Sean Kemp. Is it right? That's incorrect. That's a mistake.

1:20:31Bill Simmons:That's a, That's a miscalculation. Yeah, I had no platform whatsoever during the 96 finals. But I do remember talking to you on the phone about it a couple times. And we were like, we couldn't believe how good Sean Kemp was. It was like, where is this going? And granted, he blew it. And, you know, which would be the case for Derrick Rose to get into. Which is, you know, he's one of those what if guys. Kemp had all kinds of personal issues, but I think he should be in. And then the last one I can't believe is not in is Robert Horry. The greatest world player of all time. He's not in? Played for seven championships.

1:21:08Bill Simmons:How long has he been eligible? A while. He was on the 94-95 Rockets, 0-0-0-1-0-2 Lakers, and the 0-5-0-7 Spurs, and was huge parts of those six teams. 244 playoff games. He was on 1055 win teams. He was on eight teams with a 700-plus win percentage. He was the first guy with 100 steals, blocks and threes in the same season. And he had famous game winners and then swung the 05 finals for real. He had 20, that game, he had 21 of the last 35 points, five threes. And it's one of the great finals games ever played where he swung a title from one team to the other. And I wrote a piece at the time talking about if I called you and I said, the Robert Horry game's on, you would say, which one?

1:21:56He's not in. Yeah, that's true. He's not in the Hall of Fame. I am not going to go back. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll ask. We like chat. GBT, that's our AI interface. What's the ballot situation? Has he been on and then gotten to a certain level? I mean, you play a couple years and there's no rhyme or reason.

1:22:15Bill Simmons:You don't know how close somebody got. There's no voting like in baseball. Okay. That's what I'm getting at. He should be in. Because it's crazy. I mean, and I'm wondering, was he close at different times since he's been eligible? Do you think Derrick Rose should be in? That's a really hard one. I would lean toward no, but he did win the MVP. Super respectfully no. Yeah, he won the MVP though. I mean, I admire the talent. He showed up. He did take the league over that year. It seemed like the ceiling was super high. It just got cut short by injury. Football question from J.K. Collins. He was listening to my QB Rankings podcast and was talking about why haven't they ranked players based on how much they move the Vegas line if they're out.

1:22:58it's basically a Vegas war rating or on our podcast a FanDuel war rating isn't that the ultimate measure of a player's worth to a team so Ben Fox had this on Twitter recently talked to 11 odds makers who do you think the number one quarterback who moves the line is this year heading into the year wow this year this is going to be hard because I mean it was just like Mahomes was just the obvious most obvious 2026 number one quarterback moving the line Josh Allen. You are correct. 7.23 points if he's out of the game. That makes perfect sense. Number two, Patrick Mahomes. Okay. 6.32. I mean, no surprise.

1:23:42Number three, Matthew Stafford, 6.16. Number four, Drake May, 5.93. And then number five was Lamar Jackson, 5.89. Yet another, more evidence that Drake May is a top four quarterback. he was top three or four last year. And I think he's gonna be top four again this year. Okay. Jake in the Bay wants to know, this is a little harsh, but I'm going to read it. I didn't write it. Can you remember another player of consequence in the modern era with less franchise specific fan love than Kevin Durant? Is anyone even close? His recent self-induced spat with gold, staining clay is just another brick in the wall.

1:24:27and I can tell you this much as a Golden State fan we don't want him and we don't claim his legacy. Joe Lacob might but Golden State fans certainly don't especially if you're in a mess with Clay who we adore beyond reproach they might as well just leave Durant's jersey blank when he goes in the Hall of Fame someday and then Jared P sent a separate thing about how stupid it is when people have to announce what jersey they're going to be in the plaque but ask like what would Kevin Durant wear if he gets in the Hall of Fame which he will because he's going to get in the hall of fame and i think deserves to be in the

1:24:58Bill Simmons:hall of fame yeah and i think the answer is i think he's gonna do so i think he would do sonics oh wow that's incredible that's the move wow yeah and he's like i love seattle it's i i would have loved to have played there but i to honor the sonics i'm gonna be a thing it is it doesn't i went through my top 30 it's pretty hard shaq's probably the closest and i think shaq the laker fans love Shaq. They just love Kobe more. Sure. But it's weird to have a career that you had like Duran had where there's animosity with every fan base that you played for. Well, it's OKC. I mean, he did play a significant role in that franchise elevating itself into what it's become.

1:25:42So you think they'll forgive him in the end? Yes. Yes. He won his MVP with Oklahoma City. They're still salty with him when he goes there. I don't know. that's good fandom, I think. I feel like he can still save this as we head to the last part of his career. How?

1:26:02I don't know. I don't have an answer. I thought you were going to give me something about him going back to Oklahoma City.

1:26:08Bill Simmons:Or the Seattle expansion team. He goes back there and finishes it as a start and finish. Brooklyn probably has... Brooklyn's probably the coolest with them just because he did try to win there and then, you know, it petered out. Well, that's the problem. What's the Brooklyn fan base? Oh, God. Speaking of Joe Lacob, Ran Shear from the Bay said he grew up in the Bay. I remember reading my column How to Annoy a Fan Base in 60 Steps about the Warriors after Joe Lacob got booed. When I talked about all the shitty things that happened to Warriors fans, three years later, they win the title. And he said, that column was the first time I felt the plight of Warriors fans were recognized.

1:26:52But then it all changed. And Steph saved the franchise and turned into a dynasty. The 2015 title was the most euphoric sports moment I remember. And he asked a question, because we talked about this last pod when you were on. He talked about the concept of a baggage handler. And he says, wasn't Steph Curry our baggage handler? So I do have a baggage handler terminology.

1:27:17Bill Simmons:If you missed the last podcast, it's about a team or franchise or city hasn't won in forever and somebody comes in and flips it, gives them the confidence. And that's the first person I think of and point to Steph was there for six years before they won. If you're drafted by a team, can you also be the baggage handler would be my question. I think the answer is yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. But it's a little different when it's like a messy egg coming in, like your hired gun Bag of Chandler. No, I agree. No, Steph changed. Steph was native to that situation and he grew up, he matured and then he blossomed.

1:27:52I mean, he was a metamorphose.

1:27:55Bill Simmons:So Bag of Chandler's Bag of Chandler doesn't matter whether you're on the team the whole time or not. No, no, he became a very different player. He was a radically different player. I do want to chime in. I do have a good pal who sent me a follow-up to the Bag of Chandler concept and observe just out loud. We don't do college football very much, you and I, because we didn't really grow up with it. We have a college football team for the upcoming season. Yeah. Well, we also have Holy Cross, but both are on the upswing. College football is a great repository of baggage handlers. And he sent me a list, but the only two that I remember off the top of my head, Vince Young in Texas, what he delivered to that, and Cam Newton in Auburn.

1:28:41oh that's a good one yeah that's an incredible one isn't it yeah that's a great one Doug yeah Doug Flutie and I was gonna say Doug Flutie in BC but he never actually won there um a bunch of maybe like Reggie Bush the oh the USC P Carroll Reggie Bush and Leinart together P Carroll a bunch of people sent this out I'll give the credit to Kyle Wegner from Nebraska that we missed the Wayne Gretzky of Bag of Chandlers, the man, the myth, the legend, Theo Epstein, who did, built the Red Sox, and then went to the Cubs and built them. He double Bag of Chandlers. That's incredible. So the Bag of Chandlers should be called the Theo.

1:29:23Okay, I'm fine with it. The architect of two incredible... Especially the two hardest ones. Most forlorn franchises in the sport. the Red Sox fans

1:29:35Bill Simmons:we were actually dumb enough to think we were going to win every year the Cubs fans had like completely given up they were like the widow who just assumed the husband was never coming home from the war we were like we were dumb enough to think each year was going to be the year there's nobody like him yeah I'm trying to go Red no not Red Auerbach Jerry West I think he's the baggage driver Ben from Central Mass said Aaron Rod Aaron Donald's looming comeback Philip Rivers weird comeback last year had me thinking the weirdest late career comebacks of all time um he said Bob Cousy and the Royals Satchel Paige on the A's at age 58 Magic on the 96 Lakers Cowan's on the 83 bucks and of course Philip Rivers but he picks Bob Cousy who hadn't played in seven years and inexplicably came back on the Royals which the numbers are terrible and then he threw a game in one of the worst uh or best comebacks ever when the Knicks beat the Royals.

1:30:33Bill Simmons:But Kuzi just became a player coach randomly for seven games and it's terrible. And he's completely washed up. It's weird. I don't think the Aaron Donald comeback is going to be like that at all. I think he's... I'm factoring in our projections and stuff for the NFC like that he's going to be 95 % awesome, right? Oh, I agree. Absolutely. What's the case for him not being awesome? Just that he hasn't played in three years? I would say the flip side of his body is going to be nice and fresh. That's a net positive. Yeah. It's football. There's nothing harder on the body than football. You had a bad weirdo come back.

1:31:12The Joe Gibbs coming back was bad. Yeah. That poor Dan Snyder was trying to, you know, take in a swing with that and it didn't. Yeah, it worked. It turned out poorly. Just like everything else. Everything else that Dan Snyder did. Yeah, that because it was partly because of Vermeer because Vermeer went to the Rams and it worked. Remember? And it was like, oh, well, we're, and then all of a sudden Gibbs was back coaching your team again. Well, Snyder was flailing. I mean, he needed a reason for the team to be relevant. He needed to try anything to reconnect the team to the fan base here. I don't think that one worked.

1:31:49Rich in Toronto thinks this one will be seconded by Craig Coralbeck. Definitely Joe has. Instead of dancing around the idea of an actor's appearance

1:31:59Bill Simmons:in the rewatchables. He thinks we should lean into it with a new category called the Mila Kunis and Forgetting Sarah Marshall Appearance Apex Mountain Award for is this the most attractive a person has ever been in a movie? And it could go female or male because we did talk about this during Witness with Harrison Ford. I really like this idea. I'm adding this to the next one. We're doing an Italian job in the rewatchables tomorrow. Let's just say there will be a Charlize conversation. Oh, daddy. Yeah. Really good suggestion though from Rich. And then

1:32:35one more. Seth from 707 on the rewatchables. On Hitch, I was talking about, we were talking about how Denzel never made a rom-com. Okay. It's true. He's never made one. He has an idea that he thinks I would like. The movie starts with a current 71-year-old Denzel at the memorial service for his deceased wife. Sitting in a chair melancholy and a young family member approaches him and asks how he met grandma.

1:33:01Bill Simmons:And then the movie goes back in time using Denzel, becomes young Denzel thanks to CGI and how he fell, met and fell in love with his wife. And we go rom-com. Denzel will never do this, but I thought that was a pretty strong idea. I agree. You know, the crazy thing is you could talk that whole thing into chat GPT and get a whole script with all the characters. I think that just happened. Suggestions for the actors and actresses, yeah. Andy from NYC had a question for Conspiracy Bill asking if I was watching this Matt Ishbia situation with his United Shore stock, which has been going down. Fluctuating in the wrong direction.

1:33:37Yeah, it's fluctuating and not doing well. And was asking, what are the possibilities of a sale if he can't make the debt payments? Are you watching this?

1:33:48That's not happening. Doesn't feel like it. If he needed cash for the team, you would just sell 25%. Right. You would sell a stake. you'd value the team at$5 million and get money from somebody. This is a good one for you from Jeff from Texas. He thinks the new Vegas team name should be called The Odds. So we could say stuff like, what will it take to beat The Odds? The Odds are against us. The Vegas Odds are plus 200 to beat OKC. And then he said, I'm just about 100 % positive House will support this. He is correct. He is 100 % correct. That is a great name. and it also you can imagine the cool logos I love the four letter names they fit perfectly and you can do front back oh I'm so all over this that's phenomenal

1:34:41Bill Simmons:what are the odds I like the odds the Vegas odds I don't know what the other runners in the clubhouse were for that whether they go Vegas or Las Vegas I don't know I haven't been happy with some of the team names Well, I mean, they had this right now, Vegas, all the only one that's relevant to Vegas really is the aces because the Knights aren't, aren't anything. And the Raiders are the Raiders. Right. So it would be good to tie it to the, to the locale. Willie from Rockaway beach wants to know in the Odyssey, Odysseus's thing was, was stringing the bow and shooting through the axes. That was like his move.

1:35:17I don't know if you saw the Odyssey yet. He's the only one who could do it. he wants to know what my Odysseus tax is wonders like trade machine dumb pop culture sports analogies he had a bunch of bunch of things I don't have anything to rival the stringing the bow and then shooting it through

1:35:40Bill Simmons:the thing but I feel like you do I think your Odysseus task is your ability to eat for another half hour at a normal dinner after everybody else has finished eating. Like that is your version of stringing the bow. I will accept that. You're second and third. Everyone else is playing 18 and you're playing like 54. And you're just going at your pace. And then you're looking around and you're like, oh, you're going to eat those French fries? What's going on at the steak? And you're just kind of cleaning up. And I think that's better than any Odysseus thing I have. Here's the secret. I mean, of course you have to have the appetite and the interest and the curiosity.

1:36:21But when I get to go out to eat with friends and family, I'm eating the whole table. I get what everybody ordered because I know that at some point, at some point, and there's nothing that I can't taste. It's a really wonderful thing. I probably stumbled into it. It's not like a deliberate strategy, but over the years, I've just grown accustomed to eating. If the food arrives at the table, I'm going to eat some of it. either at the beginning of the meal or the middle of the end of the meal. There's going to be, you know. The other issue is when the restaurant

1:36:54Bill Simmons:puts in parameters like this is for two or three people. Oh. It's like a personal insult to you. That's an outrage to me. Yeah. The steak, you need two or three to finish the steak and you're like, okay. Come on. That's ridiculous. Kobe from Oakland, who now lives in Vancouver, was very upset about Katie's comments on the 17 Warriors. And he said he was watching highlights from them and couldn't help but notice the insane level of Steph's gravity in the court, which has been talked about forever. But he said there's so many highlights of Durant bringing the ball up court, going direct to the basket for an open dunk because two guys had their backs turned, trying to tie off Steph and forgetting that he had the ball.

1:37:41Bill Simmons:People just feared the empty. this is why it's impossible to talk about curry historically compared to other guards because nobody has ever swung defenses like this um and he wants to know is any other player in nba history had a gravity even close to that so to me it's centers oh that's interesting it's like when shack was really feeling it and had position the whole team would sink down the whole defense would sink down him. Just everybody else was open. But I don't remember a guard having what Steph has. Except for Michael fucking Jordan. I mean, Michael Jordan, all 10 eyes on the floor. I mean, all the whatever.

1:38:24Everybody, not 20 eyes, 18 eyes. There's nine other players. They're all looking at Michael Jordan when he had the ball.

1:38:31Bill Simmons:So you're saying the goat of basketball also had the best gravity. Well, I mean, he's in the conversation. Yes. Yes. He tilted, you know, the Pistons had to engineer a specific style of, you know, thuggery. Right. I've never seen anything in person like what would happen to defenses with Curry. Well, because... Watching them just always trying to figure out where he was. Right. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I do want to say, just as a final thought, we were cheated by not having Michael motivated to develop a three-pointer. We know he could do it. It just didn't matter back then. The six that he had. None of the guys in the 20th century was used as a dagger and not as an actual one.

1:39:23I know. I'm saying we were cheated. The six that he had against Portland. Right. I mean. Well, speaking of Jordan. The talent was there. Shahan from London was talking. He thinks the best that in soccer, the best individual player season ever, just based on individual stats, was achieved by Messi in the 11-12 season, where he played 60 games and scored 73 goals, then 32 assists. Did not win the league, but made it to second. Semis of the champions, won Spanish Cup, Spanish Super Cup, and wants to know what is the basketball version of a season like that, where somebody's stats are so ridiculous, but you had enough team success too to make it relevant.

1:40:07I had three seasons that I'm going to give you. One was the 96 MJ when the Bulls went 87 and 13. He won MVP finals, MVP 36 and six. The numbers weren't insane compared to the typical Jordan season is the problem. Curry in 16, if they had won the title, I think would be in the conversation for this,

1:40:30Bill Simmons:but they lost game seven. But he had 30 a game. He made five threes a game. I don't know if anyone else had even made four. He was like 50, 45, 90, everything. They won 25 games in a row. That had all of the check marks, and then they blew the game in the last five minutes. So sadly, the answer is Will Chamberlain. Oh. 1967. Averaged 24 points, 24 rebounds, and eight assists during the regular season. The team went 68 and 13, which was the record for best record at that point. In the playoffs, he was 22, 29, and 9. 22, 29, and 9. And beat Bill Russell, and they went 11 and 4. So they went 79 and 17.

1:41:14Bill Simmons:And he basically averaged 24 and 26 every game. Granted, it was 60s, but I think that's the answer. J.J. Redick's not impressed. He's not impressed? That's a good point. We had less plumbers than truck drivers. What's the answer to Giannis' 21 season? Because I feel like he was definitely, he didn't score enough. Is that the deal? Is that why he's not? Yeah, it's got to be the stats have to be almost like what Jokic was doing in one of his years. But if the Nuggets had also been incredible, I guess. Okay. Okay. Shaq was okay, but yeah, it's tough. Like the Wilt stats are like, wow, we'll never see those again.

1:41:57Right. Nathan from Appleton, Wisconsin, thanked me for the El Cheapo discussions about the Blazers, but said we did not mention the Stanley Cup. And he writes, this motherfucker wanted the name of his wife

1:42:13Bill Simmons:and five kids on the Cup. So six people who were involved with the actual running of the team that got to the pinnacle of the NHL didn't get their name on the most famous trophy in sports. Awesome. That was unbelievable. Did you follow that whole story? I don't understand why they agreed. Oh, is it his choice of the names? Yeah, he picks every name. He's like, here's what we're putting on the cup. That's outrageous. Unbelievable. It's so bad.

1:42:43How do they have the room? They don't. They have this one thing,

1:42:49Bill Simmons:and they can put as many names as possible, and then that's it. James is a Celtics fan and wants to know who had the washed goat season in NBA history and suggested Trailblazers, Mellow, Celtic Shaq, Ewing and the Sonics, or is it the obvious Wizards-MJ choice? The answer to this is MJ and the Wizards was the washed goat because he couldn't jump. I think he played 82 games at least one of those seasons, was going against all these young dudes, hadn't played in a while, and was not MJ anymore. He was a shell of himself, but he wasn't. Couldn't get him to the playoffs. Did have a 50-burger, though.

1:43:31Did remind everybody. He would, you know, once every three weeks, he would drop something. So maybe he was too good for that. They didn't make the playoffs. It was Michael Jordan. Made like a game winner in the All-Star game. The other one I was thinking was Kareem near the end

1:43:46Bill Simmons:when he could bet he was like 42. But somehow in the 88 finals, they're still going to him in the biggest moment. and he's got nothing left. So the answer is probably Jordan. Conspiracy bills being summoned again. Christian in Ohio, he says when we hear about double agents and teams that might relocate, Nico Harrison, Dallas, all these conspiracy rumors, why hasn't Joe Dumars in New Orleans come up in this? He's out of the league. He's working for the league. Makes a bunch of dumb moves last year and then no moves this summer for Pelicans team going nowhere. seems like prime double agent material.

1:44:25Bill Simmons:Thank you, conspiracy bill. Just wanted to get that out there. I don't think it's a conspiracy with that. I think the tokens are just incompetent. I don't understand how they weren't going after anybody. Isn't that indirectly a kind of like inaction is action, not doing anything? It makes it a lot easier. It might not even be their plan, but it's a plan. It may not be what they're intending to do, but it certainly does make that franchise feel very relocatable to me. There's some over-unders on FanDuel, which I know you know for NBA. I know people are pumped that it's August 9th and we're doing NBA content.

1:45:11Everybody was looking for that. But some of the win totals were out, and there were four teams that are basically like 44 and a half. and these four teams are the Lakers, Miami, Indiana, Orlando, and actually Toronto,

1:45:34Bill Simmons:assuming with Kawhi. So there's five teams. If you had to go over on any of those five teams, who would you pick? Indiana, Miami, Orlando, the Lakers, and Toronto. It's the Pacers. And I already have them at 43 and a half. So I'm thrilled to hear that the market moved in my direction.

1:45:56The combination of healthy Halliburton. See him dancing at his wedding? He looked great. He's back. Healthy Halliburton and Zubats is going to be an eye-opener. It's going to be a revelation. And that team is talented. They have, you know, all of those guys know their roles. We're going to see it early, I think. I think more than that. I think it's going to be more than a little. It's going to work. I think it's going to be something.

1:46:25Bill Simmons:The East is stacked because I was... Charlotte was 39 and a half for their win total. I was like, I think Charlotte's going to be pretty good. Conspiracy Bill question from Ben from Detroit.

1:46:39He wants to know if Detroit traded Scooble to the Dodgers so they could win the World Series again and drum up support for a salary cap for medium level and low level teams. They're basically trying to stack the deck because that will help the salary cap argument. I don't think that's what it was. I genuinely feel like that Scoobleside made it seem like,

1:47:01Bill Simmons:we're going to the Dodgers at the end of the year anyway. So he kind of put the stink on himself with the other teams. And teams didn't want to give up prospects to somebody for two months and then they leave, right? That was my interpretation. All of that's credible, especially if you think that this is the last time you're going to get a whatever,$100 million, however many hundreds of millions of dollars for a pitcher, right? This is it. Would you pay that much for a starting pitcher? I guess if you don't care about money, you would. I mean, would you pay seven? I just don't trust. Like, we did crochet and he's already hurt.

1:47:40Nearly$800 million for Juan Soto. And Juan Soto's hurt, too. I understand that that's different. a pitcher and an outfielder, a hitter. Jack wants to know, do you think it hurt LeBron that he didn't end his tenure with the Lakers and sign with the Knicks? Because the Knicks won the title. And that was like the best thing. This Knicks fan base starving for a title, which he saw in real time as they won. They hadn't won. And he goes there as a missing piece and then as part of that. And where does that rank among LeBron regrets for his career? which I think is a really fun topic. He suggested the failed Paul George Kyrie swap, 2017, the Westbrook debacle, Zubats for Mike Muscala.

1:48:28He said, forcing Bronny to play basketball instead of being a five-star NFL caliber safety would have been a good safety. He left out a couple of good ones. I think the number one, if I,

1:48:41Bill Simmons:if I'm LeBron and I'm like 78 and I'm just thinking back at everything, I think the thing that would make me the maddest would be the 09 Orlando Cleveland series. And it wouldn't be a regret as much as... Remember Orlando just turned into an awesome team? And guys, we did a rewatchables on one of the games, I think, from that because I did a Dwight Howard book of basketball. But I think you look back at that now and it's just fucking batshit crazy, that series. He did Turkel, who was awesome. Sean Lewis was good for a year. they made every shot that they looked at you beat me to it those two guys they were the really the linchpin to it and Dwight Howard was pretty awesome and LeBron was awesome in that play I think he was like 35 and 11 and 9 he like did everything he could and Orlando was just on a heater Howard played the best he'd ever played who was the second best player on that Cleveland team I mean that's why he left Cleveland No, I don't know if Jameson was there yet.

1:49:46Bill Simmons:I'll look this up as we're talking. But if you remember going back, we were supposed to get the LeBron versus Kobe finals. The Celtics got hurt. The Stars had aligned, and it was going to be the greatest star-on-star series we'd had in a while. All right, I'm looking this up. I have... the series ended in six. The second leading scorer on the Cavs was Mo Williams. Okay, that's why. Followed by Delonte West and Zidrunas Algoskas. Okay, good. Larry Hughes, I messed up, but Algoskas, I remember on that team. In this series, Rashard Lewis shot 48 % from three. I was there. He made 15. He made 18 a game.

1:50:40Bill Simmons:Turkoglu was at 39. Mikhail Pietras was at 51 % from three. Oh, no, I'm sorry. 47 % from three. Rafer Alston, 38%. The team shot 41 % from three. They were 62 for 152 and just flipped the series. But that would be the one out of all the ones he's had where it's like, fuck, man, we should have made the finals that year. None of those Orlando guys ever matched that again. Within a year and a half, your dumb team was trading for Richard Lewis. Terkelou got a big contract for somebody. Right. Tough one. I would say that was a big one. The other one I would say... They would have got swept by the Lakers too.

1:51:28The other one is whether if you're LeBron looking back at everything, would you have just gone to the Knicks in 2010? 2010 instead of Miami bring Dwayne Wade there go to New York because that was on the table I think who was the general that'd be a regret though no who was the GM for at the time well that was the problem it was Donnie Walsh in the wheelchair James Dolan and no no no no I mean Riley really deserves the he gets credit. He also he deserves the credit. Sniffed it up. Come here.

1:52:06Bill Simmons:It will be awesome. The Paul George trade is a good one because I think the Paul George trade because they were getting rid of Kyrie anyway and I think it would have I think if they were somehow getting Paul George and somebody else good and it definitely would have been a better team. I don't know if it would have mattered against the 18 Warriors. By the way, I got this from a few Pacers fans because I talked about LeBron's that awesome old depot versus LeBron. We did the redraftable. That's serious. And a bunch of people mentioned, I said how LeBron had that great block and old depot and gave five minute to three.

1:52:38Bill Simmons:And it's like a famous goaltend, apparently that all the Pacer fans are still pissed off about the game report. They said after it was, uh, it was a goaltend. Um, and then Ray blazer fan wanted to point out, uh, on all the blazers conspiracy stuff that the blazer sale was an estate sale with all proceeds going to charity. So they had to actually maximize value. They couldn't pick the owners. It was basically highest bidder wins. So he was saying Adam Silver didn't have a lot of elbow room with this because of the way the sale was done, which I think is true. They still have to approve it. Yes.

1:53:21Yes. The league controls who comes in and the estate has to live by the league's rules. Right. The estate doesn't get to choose over the will of the league. Zach brought up something that I'm going to apologize for.

1:53:40Bill Simmons:We did the winners and losers of the LeBron signing with Philly and I said BJ Edgecombe because he's going to be pushed to the side and whatever. he said look you're the guy who's talked up the virtues of playing for usa basketball being around winners how it changes guys young talented guy like vj you learn the habits and mentality of one of the game's greatest ever players um doesn't this set the stage for a culture change i don't think it's a stretch to call him one of the biggest winners you agree with that i sure do yeah i think i really i think it applies across the board this is going to be at least by intention and will and attitude, the best version of Joel Embiid that we will have seen.

1:54:20He really tried super effing hard on Team USA. I think of his Team USA performance as one of the things that goes on his resume. He was healthy. It came at the expense of two more years of terrible knee and injury ailments. And, you know, we'll forever be able to make fun of the Sixers for giving him an extension immediately coming off of that Olympics performance. But that is like proof of concept. And I think that LeBron, the whole thing, it just adds a layer of, we're going to overuse the word gravity, but it makes it, it's a serious situation now. We're not just showing up and effing around.

1:55:05This is a show and the guys all want to show out. I think it's really going to be interesting. 11-1, they have the fourth best title ads now. I'm just going to wait. Regular season.

1:55:21They're now minus 120 for 50 plus games. I think there's a way that they're probably in the low 50s. Even if you told me 40 MB games and 55 LeBron games, just because the other three guys will be able to carry so much load. Maxie Edgecombe and JB could get them there. Yeah. rich for i was saving this one for you rich from melbourne australia the australians always have

1:55:50Bill Simmons:good emails we love the fucking crazy people they're they're it's really like boston on the other side of the world how have we never been to australia we have to go we really do just have great experiences you would do a simmons podcast from australia your enthusiasm for caleb wilson got me thinking who are this year's jizz room all-stars I'm thinking it would be Dylan Harper, Conk Knipple, Jalen Brown, Caleb Wilson, and Wemby but Caleb Wilson's the captain I don't think Jalen Brown would be in the Jizz Room All-Stars I agree, no, that's the only one that doesn't fit I don't know who the small forward is for the Jizz Room All-Stars Let's workshop Maybe it's your guy Yeah, sure could be Yeah, your guy AJ Could be AJ You think he's a Jizz Room first team?

1:56:37What if he starts doing stuff? He might show us something. First team jizz room? He's not going to be afraid to show us what we want to see. I know that much.

1:56:47Bill Simmons:You know, it's the jizz room all-stars or all pros in the NFL are already starting to form. I don't know if you've seen any Denzel Boston training camp footage for the Browns. Oh, no. Uh-uh. Oh, yeah. It's Caleb Wilson-esque. Okay. Yeah, he looks like Terrell Owens, basically. That's a good one. Who's throwing the ball? Darian Price on the Seahawks. I already bet Price Rookie of the Year. Just so we get that out there. Smart bet. Yeah. I didn't understand the Rookie of the Year odds at all. We've been texting about this because I jumped on Boston when he was 45 to 1. But the quarterback situations are going to be weird.

1:57:23Bill Simmons:I don't think Mendoza. I don't see any of their quarterback. The guy in the Cardinals love as they have two other veterans that are there. So, yeah. I like Boston. I still think his odds are great.

1:57:38need you for this one. Because I got a, I did mean his pod and we somehow, we're talking about the NBA comp for Lamar Jackson. And I was saying it's,

1:57:48Bill Simmons:I didn't think there was a comp, but there's something beat in there because you don't know whether he's going to play or not. And just a bunch of people were like, how is the answer not James Harden? Oh, wow. Where it's like, you got MVPs, you have a ton of regular season success and then playoffs now. It's pretty good. The problem is Harden played. Harden was durable and was out there all the time. And Lamar, I think. So it's almost like 75 % Harden, 25 % Embiid, maybe. The Embiid durability. Both of those, by the way, that says a lot about the regard with which we hold Lamar, which is, I think, appropriate.

1:58:30Bill Simmons:He won two MVPs. I know. He really broke our hearts gambling-wise a couple times. I mean, really. like absolute gut punches. Not even really him. That lost to Buffalo two years ago. Not Lamar Jackson's fault. Right.

1:58:50A lot of people have asked if this is the end of the process, regardless of what happens. I keep getting an email about that. The different variations of that email. The process starts in 2013 with the NBA draft. And now we're heading to the 26-27 season, 14 years later.

1:59:07Bill Simmons:The process is already at a bar mitzvah. The process has already gone through puberty. And is this win or lose? Is this the end of the process? Do you feel like the process has to end when Embiid leaves? What is the official end of the process? I like this and I'm subscribing to it. And I know that I can do a better job I'm going to do right now. But I think LeBron's arrival means that it's over. The process, Philly has become so, you know, they've built themselves into something that's so attractive that the, you know, one of the top three players in history shows that. team, to go to that team, to play games with that team.

1:59:53So I think that that is a kind of success, right? Like, what are the high, since winning in 83, there aren't a lot of high watermarks for the Sixers. They've had a lot of fun players, and the high watermark was probably Iverson beating the second best team of this century by himself in a finals game. In one game. and maybe Embiid winning the MVP. I think it's fine declaring the process over. Did LeBron choose the Sixers, or did he just not have a better option? Why can't the answer be both? Okay. Speaking of the Sixers. He clearly, for the money that he agreed to play for, he could have done that for any team in the entire NBA.

2:00:41Right. Every team has$8 million available. Benson from Canada says, Kawhi hitting the game-winning shot in the 2019 playoffs against the Sixers, leading to the Raptors winning the title. LeBron has beaten Toronto like a drum for two decades.

2:01:05Bill Simmons:There's a fun LeBron versus Kawhi where they went together in the two finals, 2013 and 2014. Kawhi wins the finals MVP. Good. So you have Toronto fear of LeBron. LeBron fans kind of afraid of Kawhi a little bit, plus Sixer fans' memory of getting their guts torn out by Kawhi. Potentially them playing, being rivals. I didn't think about the rivalry part with LeBron going to the East and how fun this is going to be as much as I probably should have. Celtics, his biggest longtime rival, right? Right, yeah. Knicks. he's going to live in New York City but they just won the title World Wide West and Leanne are there his old agents, you got all that you have Toronto and then you have Cleveland Cleveland and Miami, both and you have Miami so five teams that he has like actual real history with that when he goes there with the Sixers it's going to be like a thing now we'll see how good he is at some point this has to start fading a little bit but it did start to get me excited.

2:02:17Yeah, that's really it. That's all I got. That's all I have for... I have one more that I'll read for... Put the cherry on it. Just to keep the El Cheapo heat going. This is from John in Austin, Texas. He thinks El Cheapo is like Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs, Michael Madsen's character in the movie.

2:02:42where he cheaps out on the coaching search, doesn't let two-way players travel, lays off the employees, breaks up the broadcast team. And now he has the city of Portland tied to a chair in a warehouse,

2:02:52Bill Simmons:was stuck in the middle with you playing while he dances around with a straight razor, which is the threat of the Blazers moving away. And Adam Silver is Mr. Orange in this scenario that he has to get there before he slices the Blazers' ear off and dumps gasoline on them. I'm only reading this to say, Yep, these are my listeners. But also, this is a credible email from somebody comparing El Cheapo, Tom Dundon, to one of the scariest characters of any movie in the 1990s who actually tormented and mutilated a character in the movie that they had to cut away from. That's where we've gotten with this Portland situation.

2:03:29A vile, depraved torture scene. That's what the Portland fans are living through.

2:03:35Bill Simmons:The NBA is fantastic. How are you feeling about the Washington commander season? Oh, I would have felt I felt better 24 hours ago before Laramie Tunsell tore his tricep. That's like a four month injury, right? Oh, it's just I mean, the only thing that I cared about coming into this season is can we just show up with the 11 intended guys on both sides of the ball more healthy than not. We know that injuries are going to happen. Injuries do happen. And that's part of football. But God damn it, can we just get to the first game of the season without one of these linchpin guys? Now, Washington has been, you know, sort of collecting offensive line talent.

2:04:20And they're going to try. This looks like Brandon Coleman's going to be the guy. But they just extended Tunsil because Tunsil was effing awesome last year. And Tunsil and David Blau and JD5 are all on the same page. And man, I'm just, it's a kick in the nuts. Even with Tunsil, though, I do think that this is going to be a tough season for Washington. Yeah, you did the Diggs signing a couple of days before that. Welcome home. Happy to have Diggs. It's a homecoming. Diggs and the DMV, buckle up. Yeah, well, he went to high school here and went to the University of Maryland. He's from this area. So your regular season wins right now.

2:05:10six and a half is minus 140 on Fandul and seven and a half is plus 115 for the overs. Yeah, I think they're going to win eight games. I think they're, they're good enough to win the defense, especially has been completely renovated, recalibrated. It's a, it's a brand new 11 nearly. And, um, it's a brand new defensive coordinator. We got, you know, the apprentice from Minnesota, Durante, and he's also a DMV guy. So I do, I think the defense is going to surprise people. It might be the most interesting defense that Washington's had in a decade. I don't know how they're going to fare. I'll definitely be surprised because I don't think they're going to be good.

2:05:56Bill Simmons:One of the only things you had is like, well, the offensive line is going to be even better this year and Daniels and keep them healthy and see how it goes. And now. Yes. Yep. That's all true. I was just reading that Brandon Thorne a couple of days ago had said he does those offensive lineman rankings. Yeah. Put all of them out. Tunsil was, I think his second left tackle. Super high up there. Yeah. That was a good trade. Deservedly so. How much homework have you done? I'm doing it, you know, by division. So right now I am knee deep in the AFC North. Did you notice the bundles on the AFC East pod, the bundles kind of kick the tires on a soft, maybe Miami's not that bad.

2:06:36It felt like a zag. It felt like a zag, but it did kind of make me go, huh. So it's going to be, last year we did not have the shitty team that came out of nowhere

2:06:50Bill Simmons:with the really bad odds to make the playoffs that actually did. Usually there's a plus 400 or worse. And last year it didn't happen. Carolina to win that division was at nine to one at one point in the season and Dream did play that. So they might, they're probably the one that fits. They were the closest. They won the division, so. I'm really excited at football back. I can't wait. Yeah, finally. Like, honestly. Your listeners feel the same way. Well, this has been a good, you know, the World Cup followed by the Red Sox. I've had a really fun sports summer, but I'm getting ready. Getting ready to talk football, wager on football.

2:07:30Let's do it. All right, House. Good times. And we have FedEx coming when? The playoffs start. We're talking about professional golf. It's still on. Something to watch through the balance of August. They will be in Memphis. They'll be in Chris Vernon's backyard next week. The first round of the FedEx Cup playoffs underway. The top 70 players on tour. And then they cut it down from 70, I think, to 50 at the next event, which is in St. Louis. But yeah, all the best golfers will be playing golf down in Memphis a week from now. Has anyone complained about the hotel you had in Memphis or no? That's just NBA.

2:08:15The tour guys don't. I haven't heard a lot of complaints about the tour guys. By the way, I forgot to mention WNBA before we go. Oh, my. Oh, no.

2:08:23Bill Simmons:I've been watching. No, I've been watching. I've been enjoying it. Yeah. and i've even tweeted this about how nobody needs a commissioner more than the wmba right now the wmba which is for some reason turned into the twitter for you page as a league and meanwhile has all of these amazing stories going on the league's fucking deep even like the teams that aren't good like seattle and chicago like you watch them you're like no that they have some good players they you know it's you know who's good washington right the the not good teams are actually like not bad to watch and then they have you know the olivia miles keeping minnesota straight the whole time um and now collier's back they're even odds to win the title but asia's the best player in the league still she shut down caitlin the other night indiana's really fun to watch new york like the league's like legitimately fun to watch and yet all anyone talks about is dumb shit and then everyone who participates in this nonsense anyone who participates in the shitty discourse about the league like i think that speaks more about them than the league um but what the league really needs is a commissioner and um i don't i would personally bet anything that we will not have this commissioner next year i will if that was on fando i would be loading up um you'd have to lay in an enormous amount of juice i'm thinking about This league either needs somebody who thinks outside the box or it needs a therapist for everybody.

2:09:57Bill Simmons:It might need to be, the league might need to get Brene Brown as the commissioner. Just a therapist to heal relationships. Not you. Anybody but you. Fine. Fine. I'll sit up. Not me. I've never seen a league that needs just an adult to help them. An adult. Oh, God. Basic fucking situations. Yes. Basic. The most basic situation. People like this league, not to mention they're on seven different channels, which was the same case for the NBA. But in this case, I never know where the games are. At least the NBA, it's like, oh, I know this is an Amazon night. They've done such a terrible job of marketing because they had to grab money.

2:10:37Bill Simmons:God forbid they didn't take every fucking dollar they could have. And you go to these games, it's like, I'd love to watch this Fever game tonight. I don't know where to find it. And now I'm doing roulette for 10 minutes looking for the channel. Well, I know where Ion is in my cable package now. Ion. Yeah, Ion. You know about Ion? Right. So the league's like cresting to, I think, a pretty good spot before football. But now they're all going to go away for like 10 days to do world champions, world championships. A team that somehow Olivia Miles isn't on, even though she's one of the most important people that's come in the league.

2:11:11Bill Simmons:I get it. They had practices and there's reasons for that. But I've never seen a league more determined to not push fun stars and fun storylines and fun people. Like this Olivia Miles. How many times have you watched her? Only a little bit because I haven't caught a lot of Minnesota games. Honestly, you would love her. Okay. And she should be, like, if this was the NBA, this would be all anyone talked about. Like, have you seen Olivia Miles? She's on tonight. Oh, my God. Oh, I saw the commercial. and in WNBA, it's like she's like an annoyance that she's just a good storyline. Push your fucking players.

2:11:48Bill Simmons:Instead, it's all this discourse stuff and they're just stepping in bear traps left and right because they have no adults in charge of the league. I don't know where Adam Silver is either, but look, you're scared even talking about it. This is part of the problem of the league. I'm not going to say a word. Everyone's terrified to even have conversations about it. The only thing that I will say, the lowest hanging fruit is getting, I don't understand enough, why can't they get good refs in the WNBA? That is like more than anything else, that to me. I watched the entire fever, the Chicago Sky fever game.

2:12:25Yes, yes.

2:12:27Bill Simmons:And Caitlin was stumbling into the ref and the ref just gave her a tech that, yep, she's going to have to miss the game against New York on Tuesday. It's like, what? The game's on ESPN. You got to reverse this. So they reversed it. She clearly tripped. Now the question is, did she say something like, come on, you know, to the ref, like out of frustration about how she ran into the, did Caitlin say something? No, she said nothing and they reversed it. This is ridiculous. Of course, of course they reversed it. It was a nonsense tech. Can you imagine late nineties, David Stern presiding over this league?

2:13:02Well, it feels like it would have some hits and some

2:13:05Bill Simmons:misses, but I think he would have been a little more involved. I agree. I mean, this commissioner they have now has no relationship with any of the stars. Um, just seems like she's like a business woman. Yeah. And by the way, she did the thing. She got them a collective bargaining agreement with the, you know, with the increased revenue that the league has enjoyed since Caitlin Clark arrived. Yeah. And on top of that, you know, they have the CBA in place and they have, you know, TV deals that are dramatically increased from what they had before. Yeah, because they're on seven channels. They're getting eyeballs that people are interested in the WNBA.

2:13:44Bill Simmons:People are talking about it. Here's how stupid they are. Their finals are going to be on two different channels, depending on the game. How stupid and desperate for money do you have to be to agree to that? It's also during NFL season, right? Yeah, that's part two. but I mean look if they got Indiana versus Minnesota or Indiana versus Vegas as the finals that's just legitimately entertaining and I don't care if you don't like women's basketball that much I personally have grown to actually enjoy watching it um I like the style of it but if those were the finals that's going to be fucking awesome and I'm sure they'll bury it'll be like hey is there a huge NFL game that we can put this finals directly against to try to limit the audience because we don't want to make any new fans at all well they do know that tuesday night is a dead night friday night is a dead night i mean you know historically friday night that kid you know people are going to high school football games but right you could you could basically make the two the finals just be tuesdays and fridays to make sure they won't they'll be like oh no it's counter programming okay um it's too bad though because the league they by far have the best collection of players that I think they've had.

2:14:57Bill Simmons:I agree with you. And I don't know anybody who thinks they're well-run. So they have to fix this. And I hope they do. That's the end of my rant, House. You see, you got out of this. We stayed out of it. I didn't make you uncomfortable. Not once. Thanks for being on, House. I'll see you on Twitch and on YouTube and on Spotify and every other podcast platform for the Ringer Wiseguy show starting tomorrow with Dibundo and Raheem in South. It's going to be great. It is. Can't wait. Nothing but winners. So that was today's mailbag. It was brought to you by ChatGPT Work, helping you work even harder.

2:15:30Bill Simmons:While it works on your projects, you could still call the place so you're always in control. You can put ChatGPT to work on your most ambitious ideas and projects or even a couple mailbag answers. Try ChatGPT Work today, available to Plus and Pro Plans. I'm going to throw it right now to Amanda Dobbins, Rob Mahoney, and myself, as promised. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. The MLB at Field of Dreams returns. Bryce Harper and the Philadelphia Phillies face Byron Buxton and the Minnesota Twins at the iconic Field of Dreams ballpark. The field is calling. Watch the MLB at Field of Dreams game live on Netflix, Thursday, August 13th at 7.30pm Eastern, 4.30pm Pacific.

2:16:18Bill Simmons:This episode is brought to you by Searchlight Pictures. More than ever, America needs a laugh. enter the Super Troopers to the rescue. The cult comedy classic returns in the most offensive installment yet with Super Troopers 3, a debaucherous bachelor party, an over-the-top wedding, a dangerous drug smuggling ring. All of them are threatening the troops' future. Fill your liter of cola and roll up to the multiplex for Super Troopers 3. Meow! Playing only in theaters. Get tickets. Meow. We just taped the rewatchables. Jalen Brown press conference was today for the Sixers. and Amanda mentioned, she's very upset about this because she's married to a six-year-old.

2:16:58Bill Simmons:So why are you upset about this? I'm a long-suffering Philly sports wife among my many other. You're the Kathleen Quinlan of sports wives. Is there any other kind? Yeah. And I, at the end of last season and after the frankly humiliating playoff run against the Knicks, asked my husband and his close friends who do include Chris Ryan. So, you know, I understand what I'm proposing here, but I suggested that we just renounce the Sixers, that we just take a break because I have watched this happen every year. They never have it. They just get there a little bit in April and you think, oh, maybe there's the juice or maybe we've got somebody else.

2:17:39They rope you in and then they absolutely do not deliver. I have to tell you that the darkest moments of my family life are on a Tuesday in February at 4.45 p.m. when NBC Sports Philadelphia is on League Pass. Yeah. And they're playing, like, the Hornets. Yeah, the Jazz. No, the Jazz are good, right? No, Hornets. They're going to be like Hornets, Wizards. Do the Orlando Magic still exist? Magic, yeah. Okay. And no one cares. Everybody is just shuffling back and forth trying to get through this dark Tuesday in February. And we still have to spend our time watching this. and investing this and reacting to this.

2:18:22And I just don't think it's a great way to spend your life. So I suggested this. I was pretty strongly rebuffed. Then the Jalen Brown thing happens with your absolutely incredible content. No one can do it like you. And I, and I love you and I support you. And then I am in my bedroom doing a workout with free weights next to my bed, which is supposed to be my time. That is just for me. When the door is closed, you don't come in until I'm done with the free weights. And the door opens on a Friday morning. My husband with a shitting grin on his face pops in to say, I just want to let you know that LeBron James is a 76er and walks back out again.

2:19:10And now I got to deal with all this shit for another season. Is it going to go Well, no, the man is commuting from New York, which any sane person would do, by the way, because have you seen Philadelphia in February? And I love everyone I know in Philadelphia. Like, we know that this isn't going to work. I don't know what's going on with Joel Embiid. Is he still a 76er? Yeah, technically. Like a third of the time. I don't know who Jalen Brown is, except for that he was traded during your medical treatments, which we're very proud of you for getting. and it just it does not seem like it's going to work it seems like everyone's getting their hopes up again and I would like to do something else with my time besides league pass thank you well

2:19:54Bill Simmons:I have some consolation news for you the eagle season starts in three weeks I don't I don't even want to talk about it and the Phillies playoffs are coming yeah and they're going to make it to October and then forget how to hit like they do every year wow this is incredible so you know what it's like living with a Philadelphia sports fan? You don't. You live close to them. But you won a Super Bowl. You're friends with them. And then you won another Super Bowl, two Super Bowls. Can I tell you something about that Super Bowl? That was also my son's third birthday. And so we had his third birthday party in the morning.

2:20:26And then the entire Philadelphia family was there watching the Super Bowl together and ignoring the grandson on his birthday.

2:20:34Bill Simmons:That's three is a good birthday, too. Yeah, I mean, he was happy. I think it was also Saquon Barkley's birthday. So he knew that and like got into it. But if he's happy, what's the problem? Well, the happiness never lasts. This is also, Sean is already letting go of the Knicks glow and is starting to bitch about the Mets again. And I just, like, I can't live like this. I just, I need them to control their emotions, you know? It's tough living around all of you. Sean had such a glow for like a month with the Knicks and the return of movies. Yeah. It's gone. I'm going to get in so much trouble for all the Philly stuff because I can say whatever I want.

2:21:12Well, I can't. I hear from Zach, but he doesn't mind when I represent his movie takes or our family life or things about our marriage. But anytime I weigh in on his Philadelphia fandom, like the people who threw snowballs at Santa come out, you know? I just need you to understand if you did get him to disavow a Sixers fandom and they did somehow win. I think you're cooked at that point. There's no coming back from that. It is grounds for divorce. And listen, to his credit, I guess, he just immediately rejected it. He wasn't going to do it. But it's just not how I want to spend January through April.

2:21:48It's not a good use of our time.

2:21:50Bill Simmons:You're stuck with your teams. You're stuck with your children and your teams. You can get divorced, but you can't divorce your team, in my opinion. I think you can get rid of the kids. If you really wanted to, there are people you can call. I'm off to an uncle. I get it. Yeah. But you pick your team and that's it. The only thing is if they move. All right. So that's like my dad was a Dodgers fan growing up because he grew up in Brooklyn, but then they moved. Okay. And then he went to college in Massachusetts and became a Boston fan. Okay. Or if you live in Seattle and you were a Sonics fan and they move, what are you going to do?

2:22:27Bill Simmons:But that, see, you didn't even, you glossed over the LeBron piece of this. LeBron's in your life now. He's always been in my life. No, but now you have to be like a LeBron defender. Your children will have LeBron jerseys. I don't have to do anything. No, I'm going to give you the playbook for being like, do you know how many records LeBron has? I didn't know I needed to spam text you LeBron highlights, but now we do. Do you know how amazing this guy is? I had no idea. He's playing point guard for us this year. Have you talked yourself into the Sixers yet or no? Of course I've talked myself into it.

2:22:58Bill Simmons:It's going to be fun. No, this is going to be a thing? It's going to be exciting. It's the most fun. It'll be the most fun storyline the whole year. Okay, but that's different than it being fun to watch. I think they'll have moments when it'll be really fun to watch. Okay. It's just, they'll tantalize people and then it'll be like, uh-oh, it'll be, where is it? He's not playing tonight. Oh, LeBron. Okay. LeBron's taking two weeks off. Just think of the glow that a good Sixers team could bring to that random Tuesday in February. I think this is going to be great for Zach. I'll never trust it. It could be great for Zach.

2:23:29I think it is great for Zach. Amanda, what this really is is this is the end.

2:23:33Bill Simmons:This is the finish line of the process, which started in 2013. Sure, I remember the process. We need to trust it. And then throwing away seasons and building around Embiid. And now we've now culminated with this somewhat super team. Also, what if he brings my sons into this? It's going to happen. You know, they're Eagles fans a bit. They know about the Phillies. I like they play baseball. It's tough. Mostly the kids gravitate to players. Okay. If they were in Philly, no chance. They're Philly fans. But they live here. Just don't know. Could go any direction. Okay. They might decide one day, I like Darius Garland.

2:24:09Bill Simmons:All of a sudden, you're buying like a Darius Garland jersey. I think parents have a responsibility to educate their kids about Tyrese Maxey. And so like, you're just going to have to bring him into your home. Yeah, so that's a great one. Maxey's great. You know what? We do have some, like a portrait of Tyrese Maxey framed and hanging in my son's room that was a gift from my sister-in-law. It's a good start. When I tell you I am living in crazy town, I am not kidding. We have a special name for the Philly fanatic, Green Friend. I just, you know. You know what this is all really about? The three craziest cities for sports teams are all cold weather cities.

2:24:46Bill Simmons:Boston, New York, and Philly. Just fucking crazy. Because there's four or five months a year when the weather is just the worst it could be. and then in the summer, it's 100 degrees for six straight weeks and everybody loses their minds. Only the cold addled mind could have created gritty. You know, like it really takes some divine inspiration. Do we have a stuffed gritty? Yes. Do we have a gritty Christmas ornament? Yes. Do you know what our tree topper is? The Philly Fanatic. That's actually cool. I like that one. It was custom made. But like, this is what I deal with. And can the Sixers deliver on that?

2:25:18Bill Simmons:And you want to give it all away? See, Rob and I know how this is going to play out because we love the league and follow it religiously. in the second and third round, you have to play every other day, basically. And that will not be sustainable for 42-year-old LeBron and Joel Embiid. But between here and there. Or 42-year-old me, so, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it'll fall apart. All right, thanks for checking in with us, Amanda. Of course, thanks so much. I'm sorry, Zach, I love you. All right, that's it for the podcast. Thanks to Wilds and House. Thanks to Dobbins and Mahoney for their cameo.

2:25:51Bill Simmons:Thanks to Cajal and Eduardo as well. Don't forget two rewatchables episodes this week on Monday and Thursday, the Italian job and about last night. And I will have another episode for you midweek. So stay tuned for that. See you then.

2:26:26Bill Simmons:Must be 21 plus and present in select states for Kansas in affiliation with Kansas Star Casino or 18 plus and present in DC, Kentucky, or Wyoming. Game problem, call 1-800-GAMBLE or 1-800-MY-RESET. Call 888-797-777 or visit ccpg.org slash chat in Connecticut or mdgamblinghelp.org in Maryland. Hope is here. Visit gamblinghelpline ma.org or call 800-327-5050 for 24-7 support in Massachusetts or call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY in New York for Louisiana. Call 877-770-7867.