Conspiracy Theories

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1:57Yeah. In the cesspit of misery? Yeah. Why are you so f***ing happy and nice? You cannot beat me at a game of awkward chicken. No, you are good at that, actually. I would love to eat your casserole, but I'm sick in my stomach. I don't want to beat your f***ing top table. Shove your top table up your arse. I'll sit wherever you want me to sit. I don't even care.

2:24You like Pringles?

2:30Hello. It's another fly. Unbelievable. I've killed about four...

2:41Hello, and welcome to The Buckleys, the podcast where we sit down, have a chat, moan a bit, and invite you into our lives. before we get into it I don't want to get you fucking be careful sorry nearly got my knee before we get into it just wanted to remind you that you can get you can get in touch with your stories and questions by emailing us at the Buckley's James you're going to knock the beer out on everything yeah I can't have that can we before we get into it we just want to let you know that you can get in touch with us our email is thebuckleys at platform media dot UK or you can message us at the Buckley's pod on Instagram and TikTok.

3:19Any questions or messages? That's where you need to go. And don't forget to follow to the show. Follow to the show. Is this good? No. How would you rank this intro so far? Well, this is... You've moved the couch and on. It's driving me nuts. You need to push it back a bit because we're on an angle now. I need to push it back a bit. Yeah. Do follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever podcast app that you like to use. And if you do enjoy the show, why not go ahead and leave us a review after? Claire! Claire, how are you? Claire. How are you, Claire? I'm all right. I'm fine. Is that it?

3:55Couldn't even get through the intro and you're already done. I'm always fine. And then, like, the first ten minutes on this couch where you put me in a bad mood. I'm fine. All right. Good. Actually, there was something that annoyed me. sorry to call you I think you said it and it made me think yeah you he was like there's a thing that people say you're not the first person that I've heard saying that but it really annoys me you were talking about the iPads or a charger or something and you said they live here right and people say that people I've had people in my house where they're like oh where does this live and I'm like live don't like that one no it's a fucking spoon it goes in the drawer doesn't live anywhere not having it I don't like that it winds me up no I get it I don't say that yeah I don't say that where do your jackets live in this house I'm like what but you don't say live anyway no you don't I think I think it's a Scottish thing or oh stay yeah no one lives anywhere everyone stays somewhere yeah I don't live in my house I stay in my house where do you stay?

5:15where do you stay? yeah yeah I stay up there and I'm like yeah so I'm the opposite when I'm up Scotland and everyone's and you and your brother are like oh yeah no they stay around the corner that's what I would say about a spoon I'd say oh that stays in the drawer no inanimate objects don't live or stay anywhere they're just put somewhere I don't like that it annoys me go where does this go? where does it go? right Where does this go? I would say, oh, the fork stays there. No. No, you wouldn't. You've never said that. Oh, no, I don't think I have, no. But I'm just saying. It really annoys me.

5:52Just to play devil's advocate. It annoys me. And sorry, I didn't mean to call you out, but you were like, oh, these live here. I was like, live? He's right on your microphone there, Claire. You could grab him. There's another one. Yeah, there's another one. Right, I don't know what's happened. We think there's a dead body. It's got nothing to do with me. I swear to God the studio is full of flies but we think there's something decomposing somewhere they've unearthed something just leave him he's fine they're not there's a load of them they're getting on my tits they're fine well I need to do a podcast welcome to my world I've got a fly going around me you're my fly in life anyway I'm fine what's up with you how are you doing what are we doing oh something came up on my Instagram something or something something thing either works sure um something came up on my instagram the other day it was um it was like me and my emergency contact it's like uh your go-to person yeah the person who if you've got a problem that's who you go to go to if you want some advice yeah like a consigliere that sort of thing right what's wrong with saying that it's fine my tom hagan right yeah yeah um yeah and i was like and the the video was that the joke was it was two guys on this speedboat this tiny little boat and it was like a big wide shot of this tiny little boat like just speeding into these mental waves right so the joke is like the person who i go to for advice is just as mental as me right and i was like who's my go-to well i'm your emergency contact outside of Claire who's my go to guy right and I was like it's probably Cam from the Chieftains right you know I've gone quite close to him over the last year or so he's helped me out with a lot of stuff if I call him up oh she's there right then about two days later we were in a cab taxi ride with him and he's going to me there he was going there's no gravity on the moon okay Okay, that's not how this conversation started.

8:08Well, he was talking about how he was getting into conspiracy theories and he was talking about how we've not been to the moon and all that nonsense, right? And then he's going to me, well, there's no gravity. How did they get that car to drive around on the moon? There's no gravity on the moon. And I was going, there is gravity on the moon, Cam, there is. And then for a split second, I was like, God, you're meant to be my go-to guy. And I was like, well, it probably is just Claire, really. That's all I've got in my life. And then Claire goes, yeah, no, there's no gravity on me. No, I didn't say that.

8:37I said... And I was like, fuck, you know, I'm fucked. No, I didn't say that. I said, oh, I didn't think there was any gravity in space at all. No, you were backing him up. You were backing him up. I don't know if you were just trying to wind me up or something. No, I wasn't. No, because... And then it started off with that whole mission they did to the moon, right? They went to the dark side of the moon, didn't they? That was the thing. That was what we were talking about. Which is amazing. Absolutely incredible. We've sent people the furthest away from Earth that has ever been. Yeah, but there was all these videos.

9:17And me and Cam were talking about the same video to you. And it's like, did anybody see it? It was the woman holding the little teddy, little plushy teddy. and they did a live link and the teddy was like flickering in and out as if it was a green screen. It was like glitching a little bit. And I was like, that's weird. Why has that happened? But you don't know whether that's actual footage or whether someone's made that like that and put it on the Instagram. No, they haven't. Right, okay. But then you're saying exactly what I've said about stuff. Like when there's footage of mermaids or aliens.

9:52What footage of mermaids? Where's the footage of mermaids? There's loads of footage. and you're like there's loads of footage of mermaids yeah are you talking about the little mermaid no that's a cartoon no no there is with flounder no there's loads of footage and the Jamaican crab Sebastian Sebastian sorry you'll find his name is the problem is no right you don't know what to believe anymore do you exactly you don't know what to believe if if an alien walked in this room right now and we all seen it and we were all here and we got it on camera and we put it out and we were like look at this guys not one maybe like a tiny percentage of people would go oh my god that's true even if it really happened my go to guys would I like to believe I like to oh yeah don't get me wrong I used to I like to see stuff and go oh and then you come along and go well Claire and I'm like yeah now I know but it's fun to think in my early 20s who was more into conspiracy theories and stuff than me right and I used to love it because conspiracy theories are always a bit more interesting.

10:57They're a bit more sexier, aren't they? But I think also, though... Than the actual story. Yeah. I like to see stuff like videos of ghosts, mermaids, aliens, UFOs. I like to see those things and go, right, okay. I'll tell you something that's never been explained. I'm going back a bit. I'm going back to the early Wild West days of viral clips on the internet. Go on. That fucking gnome in Argentina. Yes! that was so scary have you ever seen that? have you seen that? that is terrifying look at everybody googling it listen 75 % of the people in this room are going to be too young to even remember what that is honestly it's so scary yeah but no one no one no one's no one ever came along and went oh this is what actually happened no no it's a gnome that came to life it is hang on you think it's a garden gnome that came to life.

11:57Yeah. Yeah. I like to think that things happen when we're not. You think Toy Story's real? Like that kind of vibe, yeah. Yeah. I think there's so much that happens when we're not looking. I do remember being a kid when Toy Story first came out. When was it? 95. I was about seven years old when Toy Story... 95, I think you find. I think it was 96. I think you find it's 95. I think it's 96 Toy Story came out. After I watched Toy Story for the first time I did sort of burst into my room. Yeah, everybody did that. The original Toy Story was officially released in UK cinemas in 1996. Look at that. Hold your arm right there, Claire.

12:45James, fuck off with that. See, they come to me because they know I'm a safe place. Oh, I could smell that one. Oh, that one's cooked. That was so fucking close to my face. Put that done and relax yourself. Did you see where it went, though? No. Because they usually need a bit of finishing off. Yeah, he's there, he's flying about. The flies are becoming a problem, though. Right, what are we talking about? Because we're on conspiracy theories already. Yeah. I'm a guy, right, Claire, that reads the news but knows nothing about what's going on in the world. I don't read. I think I need to stop. I need to really stop reading the news completely.

13:29The stuff I read that confuses and worries me, a thing that always does the rounds once or twice a year. Not the woolly marmoth. No, no, not the woolly marmoth. No, that has been spoken about quite a lot recently. There's always a, you know, twice a year, massive rats invading dog-sized rats. invading UK homes. Look at this guy. Who the fuck do you think you are? Get the fuck away from me. We get that, but spiders as well. Every so often, the spiders are coming. Yeah, sure, I know all about it. Now, the thing that annoys me, that they keep doing all these newspapers and stuff, they release the pictures and stuff.

14:16What are those things that you pick litter up with? The claw? Yeah, those little sort of long... Like the Jannies used to have at school. Yeah, on a stick, right? Yeah. It'll always be a rat being picked up with one of them, being held really close to the camera so that the person holding it looks like a tiny body in the distance. Right. And the rat looks like he's the same size of the person. Right. And I just want to be like, well, yeah, if you keep holding the rat really close to the camera, you will make it look like the size of a cat or something like that. Okay. And it just irritates me.

14:50Okay, fine. Rats have always been around. they've not gotten bigger. The rat is the... The size of... They are quite big rats. Yeah, yeah. You can get big ones though. I've seen some big ones. But they're not the size of tigers. Stop trying to fucking get us all freaked out. Fine. They call them super rats, don't they? Do they? Yeah, they do. They're super rats. Okay. So they're the things I'm really worried about at the moment. Okay, fine. We should probably, before we go any further, because I've become a little bit used to it, but I've just realised that people watching probably won't be the hair.

15:28Oh, my hair? Yeah. Yeah, I keep forgetting about that. You better talk about it. I'm just making a TV show. That's all that is. I know, but you've got a different haircut. I know. This is like breaking news. People have been saying for years, oh, change your fucking hair, get a new haircut. Well, I've done it now. Are you happy? You happy? Because I'm not.

15:53I'm not. No. I don't mind. I don't mind that sort of stuff. It's fine. I remember you, I was going, you were going, don't let them do anything stupid to your hair. Yeah. And I kept going to you, that's not how it works. That's not how my job works. You sort of surrender yourself over and you do. I know, but I was saying, there's got to be a line though. You can say I'm not doing that. Well, I did. I did, to be fair. Yeah. This was the compromise, I'll be honest with you. Okay. And then I was driving back after getting my hair cut and I was talking to you on the phone and you were going, how's the hair?

16:24I was going, don't worry about it. I was going, it's gone. Don't worry. Yeah. And then you said, oh, you said. No, I don't think it's not as bad as I thought it would be, to be fair. It is weird, though. It's quite nice to see you with a different haircut. Yeah. But, yeah, it's fine. It is weird, but that's it. I'm making a TV show. Netflix. You are? Yeah. It's exciting. Vol Keegs. Are you allowed to say this? Yeah. yeah he's filming with Michelle Keegan the Keegmeister one of the most beautiful women I love her no she's wicked I was um I was a bit worried about working with her why? she's a big star in Britain isn't she?

17:01she's been on top of her game for a long old time yeah and I was thinking I wonder if she's a bit you know a bit Mariah Carey a bit sort of you know when I come on set everyone must look at the floor sort of thing turns out she's not nah she's common as muck she's great hope she doesn't mind you saying that nah she's one of us nah she won't I know for a fact that she won't nah she's great yeah she's pucker pleasantly surprised alright what relax I've told I told you I said straight away no funny business Keegan we're both married alright we can't she can't fall in love with you you can't I said that.

17:45I said, listen, at some point you are going to fall in love with me. Yeah, yeah. It just happens. Yeah, yeah. I hope she's prepared for this heartbreak. Yeah. No, let her know. She'll be all right. Let her down gently. Right, okay, fine. Yeah, I had to say the same thing to Bunton, didn't I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just swatting them off, aren't you? I know. I've got my little... Take your little thing away the next time you go up. We should probably mention the old tour there. Yeah, we've finished. This is our first recording since we finished the tour. It is, yeah. That was wild. That was crazy.

18:18Yeah, because we did get quite drunk every night. Because what we did was we played loads of drinking games, didn't we? And we had shots of vodka. And to be fair, towards the end of the tour... The last two shows. The last, like, there was like ten shots. The last, like, three or four shots were water. In our defence, after the second show, we were, like, taking shots on stage is becoming a bit much. Terrible idea. Like, I was heaving on the stage and stuff like that. People loved it. And trying not to throw up on stage. I got so close every night. The last two shows, I think it was Leicester and Edinburgh.

18:54Yeah. We had to set up on the other side, like the last couple. We put them as water. Just in case we were like, I'm going to have to go for a water shot. Just in case by the end we were throwing up. We didn't touch them, though. No, we didn't. We fucking... No, we didn't, actually. We fucking did it. Yeah. Yeah. so well done well done but yeah it was a lot of drinking it was a lot of fun thank you for coming if you did come I don't know you know I don't know how you'd explain to people what we did well that's what everybody kept saying and then on quite a lot of the nights we met when we were going to the car we met a load of people at the shows and we were chatting and stuff oh god everybody seemed happy everybody seemed that was when I was like my eyes were going in different directions everybody do you know the funniest thing about doing those shows when we went out to the car if there was like at different venues it's different obviously but at points when we went out to the car a lot of people were coming out at the same time so we would obviously stop and say hi to them and a lot of people especially the women were always just like you okay James?

19:58Yeah they were like do you get any better game? Yeah they were like just go take them home I was like well it's fine we'll say hi to everybody and James was standing there like Did get pissed though didn't I? Yeah Oh well Oh, well, but yeah, thanks for, what a weird little adventure. What a fucking bizarre thing to do. Yeah. We did it. We got it done. Hey, let's have a little swipe and then we'll actually get into this podcast, shall we? Yeah. Hey, Claire.

20:30I've got some listener emails. Okay. I'm going to go straight with the listener email. This is from Sally, apparently. What do you mean apparently? Well, you'll understand why I say that once I read this. Sally says, I married a barbecue husband. Yeah, I didn't. You became a barbecue husband. No, I think I'm going to end up being a barbecued husband. Three years in, we have the standard barbecue and a smoker. Yeah, of course. The smoker takes approximately four geological ages to cook anything. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I can't hang the washing out because everything smells like a forest fire and the meat, hit or miss.

21:17Yeah. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it tastes like regret. Well, it's better than yours. You're either raw or burnt. Don't tell him I said that. Now, this man checks the meat like it's a newborn baby every hour, watches hours of barbecue videos a week like he's basically training for the brisket Olympics. I don't know. That's why you don't believe it, Sally. You guys think this is me, don't you? And when people come over, oh, he's the king of the barbecue. Everyone's like, wow, he's amazing. Meanwhile, I'm in the background prepping salads, drinks, potatoes, sauces, bread rolls, plates, cutlery.

21:53Basically everything except birthing the cow. And he gets all the glory because he poked a short rib once with a thermometer. I don't need to say a word, Sally. So what Sally, this is for you, actually. What Sally wants to know is, does this hobby calm down? She says it. Does this hobby calm down or is this my life now? Meat sweats, dirty grills and endless salad duty forever. He's even mentioned a barbecue at Christmas. Which you have done. Well, I do the ham on the barbecue. You have done. Yeah. Yeah. Which comes out great. Everyone loves it. Everyone loves that ham. sure there's some other there's some other stuff that's gone on in the kitchen yeah that goes with the ham yeah sure yeah everyone loves the ham well it's the star of the show everyone goes and asks the ham well do you want to answer Sally's question no it doesn't get better it gets worse doesn't it yeah it's really yeah because and also they think they get better well listen and you don't everything stays the same I just follow the science new barbecue breakthroughs are happening every fucking week there are new techniques, there are new rubs, there are new ways to do things.

23:05Honestly, you can't keep up. You cannot keep up. So Claire, that actually brings us quite nicely on to, do you know what month this is? Oh, let me guess. What, there's a barbecue month? May is National Barbecue Month. Wow. We haven't had a big barbecue so far this year. No, in fact. And do you know what, Claire? I didn't really barbecue that much last summer. And I don't think I'm going to barbecue much this summer busy with shit good oh come on oh come on James they really are hitting miss mate and they're usually miss I know you love doing it and I don't begrudge you doing it it's fine but we're always sitting doing it 9, 10 o 'clock at night and there's nothing to fucking eat it's because it doesn't you don't do it by time you do it by temperature and you can't you can't sometimes it goes there's no there's no set there's no sort of set thing to do you have to wait for stuff you know where there is a set?

24:02on the oven yeah the air fryer the air fryer you literally said it didn't you it beeps when it's done I can put it in mix it in and we can eat yeah I know but where's the fun in that? yeah I know where's the adventure right Claire? you've got to stop saying that you've said that a lot over these past few months where we've been on tour and we're doing stuff I keep saying to Claire keep going oh it's an adventure Claire and I go what? and you go well you know I hope being married to me, it's an adventure. You'd be bored. You'd be so bored married to anyone else. I bet you would. The grass isn't always greener.

24:38I bet if we divorced and you married someone else, you'd be like... I wouldn't get married ever again. No, but you would... Or shack up, I don't know what you'd do. But you would be like... I don't know, there'd be a fly in the house. Yeah. And you'd probably look to your fella to be like, oh, he's going to do something fucking wacky or something to annoy me right now. and you just go, anyway, darling, I've booked us a meal. And you go, oh.

25:08You would. Do you think? I think you would. I think you'd be bored out of your nut. Maybe. I think you would be so bored if you married a normal person. You've married Homer Simpson. I'm always coming up with harebrained schemes and stuff. Yeah. Anyway, there are some what I like to call grilling offenders, Claire. Right. The well-done specialist. Now, I think this is a bit dated, to be fair. I think the UK is starting to catch up with our American brothers and sisters. The way people eat stuff. Used to be. Used to be. When I was a kid, our barbecue. Everything was burnt, yeah. Our barbecue at our house, my dad built it out of bricks.

25:57Right. It was a brick barbecue with just, I don't know, a bit of fence or something laid across some coals. Right. And it'd be a really burnt, charred sausage and burger. Yeah. Really crispy, like just all you can taste is burnt. I don't think people do that anymore. well to be fair you've made you've got me better with steaks because i do i'm not i'm not a fan of uh rare i don't but you've got me up to like medium yeah right no you go for a medium rare every now and again very very occasionally very occasionally very rarely very rarely um but the one thing that i need burnt to a crisp yeah is a sausage yes i love it i love it when it's black on the outside and it's crispy.

26:50It breaks my heart to be honest with you because I'll offset the sausages which loads of people know what I'm talking about when I say that. They'll be cooked beautifully and then I have to just move Claire's over to the flame to destroy. No, I love that. I like a crunch on my sausage before I get to the meat. No, that's fair. No, that is fair enough. But the meat's nice and juicy still, isn't it? It's not been killed. No, no. Which I think a lot of people have... You're dribbling again. Yeah. I think a lot of people have got involved with the oversaucer. I'm quite guilty of that. Now, here's what I'm quite guilty of, which is genuinely life-threatening.

27:32The undercooker. Oh, God, yeah. Because I don't want to overcook anything. Yeah, you love it. I don't want to overcook anything. The amount of times we've cut into something, and we've just been like, oh, no. Okay, yeah. I fucked it. I fucked it, babe. Yeah. The amount of times we've had a barbecue, you've sat around, you've waited for about 18 hours for something to eat. Yeah. I've like woken up early in the morning, me and the dog are out there, you're still in bed. You're looking out the window, looking at me in the garden going, what's this fucking nutter doing in his slippers? Yeah. And it does take a while sometimes.

28:04And I just go, I fucked up. Yeah. You're talking about going out there the next morning after we're supposed to have a barbecue the night before. I've done that. I've cooked something. That's happened. I've waited until everyone's gone to bed. I've gone to bed. I've then got up before I've completely fallen asleep to go and check on it. And I go, right, now it's done. Like literally two o 'clock in the morning. I've gone, right, this. What's the fucking point? I go, this thing's done. And then I put it in a cool box and it does stay warm. Yeah. And then I wake everyone up at 6am to... Have brisket for breakfast.