I Bring Nothing to this Marriage

0:00Do you know what? I don't think I like ice cream.

0:02Clair Buckley:You don't like anything, Clair. Name something you like. Do you know what gives me the ick? What? Grown f***ing women that get the ick over stuff. You better be careful, because Hot Doug might be listening to this. Hot Doug. He's got president! This is a real guy, I'm telling you! Why when you're making a point do you do this all the time? Jaina. Okay.

0:33Clair Buckley:Right, podcast time. It's time for a podcast and this podcast is called The Buckleys. I've heard of that. It's meant to be very funny. It's meant to be really good. It is meant to be funny, isn't it? Did we forget that? Shit, it's meant to be funny. It is. This is episode 75. All right, this will be a funny one. Watch this. This is the podcast where we sit down, have a chat, moan a bit and invite you into our lives. But before we do get into it, I just want to remind you that you can get in touch with us with your stories and questions and whatnot by emailing thebuckleys at platformmedia.uk or you can message us at thebuckleyspod on Instagram and TikTok.

1:05Clair Buckley:And don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever podcast app that you like to use. And if you do enjoy the show, why not go ahead and leave us a review afterwards. Right, I'm here. You done? I'm here. I've got it. I've got the energy. How are you, Claire? I'm all right. How are you feeling? I'm good. I'm tired. Why are you so tired? I've been busy, mate. Been busy? Busy. I was away on a hen do hen do hen do was it wild it was wild was it wild and crazy it was actually I heard there was loads of boobs there was boobs I've seen a lot of boobs right was there were they actually boobs or were they boobs did they chicken out no were they wearing tassels no no no no no there was boobs there was boobs so we went to Paris let me explain before this conversation goes any further and you know what it's like in Paris no everyone's got them out We went to Paris for a few days and one of the nights we went to see the Moulin Rouge show.

2:02Clair Buckley:I didn't go. You didn't go? No. It was a hen do. Yeah, I know, but you keep saying we. Well, me and the girls. Sure. We saw the Moulin Rouge show and, yeah, just do it. Just do it with the boobs. Dancing. What songs did they do? It was a weird show. I've got to be honest, it wasn't what I was expecting. so there was still it was very you know there was lots of feathers and sparkles and stuff like that but then they also just sang like some like 80s songs oh right you probably loved it yeah the music the boobs boobs in 80s yeah not as good as the 90s show but oh oh god they did yeah it was like it's like a variety show but it's just lots it's just singing and dancing it's like Britain's Got Talent but they just get their knockers out.

2:54Yeah, it was fun. I'm a bit sore. I'm a bit tired.

2:59Clair Buckley:That's a strange thing to say. Why? Have I got a... Go on. My knee hurts, that's what I mean. It still doesn't help you out. So you went to Paris without me and you've come home and you're knackered with sore knees. That's the... My jaw hurts. Really? It's a great weekend. I had a really good weekend. I'm so chilled. I'm too chilled out. What did you get up to? Me and the boys, we went to a posh restaurant. You did, yeah. I booked us a little meal on the Friday while you were away. We went to a lovely little posh restaurant and we were just... Just father and sons? No, it wasn't. They're at a different age now.

3:42Clair Buckley:We were sort of men putting the world to rights. Right. It's funny, isn't it? World to rights. It's funny. Just being able to have a conversation. They had their opinions about stuff, about things going on in the world. It was great listening to them both. At one point, I did, because it was just us three at a table. Yeah. It's one of my favourite restaurants. It's a very popular restaurant. It was very busy. And I was sat there and I was like, oh, lads, do you know what I feel like right now? I feel like a divorced dad that's got their kids for the weekend. And just felt, I didn't, apart from that, I really, really liked it.

4:21Clair Buckley:But it just felt a bit, I felt a bit awkward. I was like, oh, is everyone looking at me going, oh, he's probably. She's done it. Claire's finally kicked him it. No, but not just that. Not that they know us or anything. No, I know, yeah. But that's what it looks like. You just look like a dad, like, overcompensating. Being like, he probably hasn't seen them for about two months or something. And now he's taken them out to a nice mill. Is there anything you'd like to moan about, Claire? I don't have much moaning. I'm in a good mood which isn't great for the podcast to be honest with you No, it's fine for the podcast sometimes we can be happy I've been really miserable the last few records of this because I've been I've been doing that press stuff for that film that came out By the way Yeah You won't see it so I will Mother's Pride smashed it at the box office It did alright in the end People were loving it I don't think we got that number one spot at the end of the week Not at the end of the week, but you did at the beginning.

5:16Clair Buckley:But midweek we were number one. I don't know if you're allowed to count that. Beating Wuthering Heights and all sorts of big... Beating Christian Bale. Yeah. As Frankenstein or something. But then Ryan Gosling pulled out a film. Well, Gosling. I mean, listen. The old Gosling. There's not many people that would pick you over Gosling. No. I mean, I would. I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't either. You're always telling me that I've got a thing about Gosling. You love Gosling. I do. I do. but also that's because for a while you did go through a phase being like he is a handsome man I was like okay I can appreciate sexy men handsome men sorry you better be careful because Hot Doug might be listening to this you might piss him off Hot Doug yeah we need to he got president this is a real guy I'm telling you this is a real man just let it out James just say it No, I can't.

6:14Clair Buckley:I can't. No, people are loving that, though. I've been getting lots of DMs saying that, oh, we just went to see James' film. We really liked it. It's gone down well. But when you do get a film out, you have to go on live television. Yeah, you have to do the rounds, don't you? And I've been doing that. I did that for a couple of weeks there. And you were sick. And I was really ill. And I'm not good with live television. Oh, it's horrible. I've done it a little handful of times when we've been doing Buckley stuff, and I'm just, honestly, I don't know how people do that as their job. It's only because every second word that comes out of my mouth is fuck.

6:49I know, yeah.

6:50Clair Buckley:And I sit there on BBC Breakfast and they're asking me a question and I'm not thinking about the answer that I'm going to give at all. You're just trying not to swear. In my head I was going, don't say fuck, don't say fuck, don't say fuck. Yeah, same, yeah. That's literally what I said. They were like, oh, well, thanks, James, thanks for coming in. And then they're like, right, James, come out this way. I stepped off the studio and just went oh I didn't say fuck and they went let me take your microphone yeah yeah but no I mean they're good I tell you the only thing that sort of I'm a bit has annoyed me today is that I got car sick train sick well car sick works we went in a car travel sick alright you've fallen into my trap there Claire I knew you were going to do that.

7:39Clair Buckley:I knew you were going to do that. What do you think, where do you think the word car comes from, Claire?

7:53Clair Buckley:I'm going to let you think. I'm going to let this hang in the air for a second. Car.

8:00Carrier? Carriage? Carriage. Right. So it doesn't actually mean a motor?

8:07Clair Buckley:Or a motorised carriage, I assume, is what they called it to begin with. But the carriage is... We were on a carriage. Okay. Did you make that up? I might have done. It makes total sense in my head. It does. You got me there for a second. Then I remembered, wait, he does this. Yeah. No, I don't... You don't know, do you? I've not actually seen... But it must be. Right. Yeah, you were feeling a bit ill. Yeah. But apart from that, you are very happy. Yeah. And your beloved Chieftains won last night. Absolutely, yeah. We were at the Chieftains game last night, obviously. So I wore the jersey today.

8:41Yeah. Anyway, you're happy.

8:44Clair Buckley:I'm happy, but just a little bit queasy. Fine. I'll take it. I'll take it. I was sat in front of you in the car, in the train carriage. Yeah. And you were like, what's up? And I was like, oh, I was looking at my phone and I think I've made myself feel sick. Can I tell you something? I was going to tell you and then I was like, oh, no, leave him because he's feeling sick. you were giving me the ick on the train. Go on. Because you put your foot up on the side. No, I didn't. You did. You had your foot up on the side. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You know, like the little bit that comes out. Oh, the little bit like that.

9:18Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's wrong with that? That's a call. No, you weren't doing that. You had your foot up on the side and this leg was also tucked under and you had your hands like that.

9:28Clair Buckley:So I sat like that. Probably on your knee. Like a girl at finishing school or something. One was up high and I was looking at you and I was going, that's really giving me the ick right now. But your face, you were like... As if you felt sick. So I was like, oh, I'll leave him. Do you know what gives me the ick? What? Grown fucking women that get the ick over stuff. I'm sorry. I want to go, why are you fucking 12? Because I put my leg up, I weren't feeling well and I was just trying to get comfy. Sorry. All right, you don't have to try and talk all manly just because you were sitting like that.

10:02Well, I'm trying to compensate now.

10:05Clair Buckley:car and carriage do share the same linguistic route but car doesn't directly come from carriage alright let's move on yeah

10:15Clair Buckley:Claire let's have a little swipe because after that I've got some I've got at least one I can't be bothered to check listener email ok good hey Claire yes James we've got a little listener email here thank god and guess what what it's a moan oh of course it is So people. This is from Jenna. Jenna. Jenna says, hi, Claire and James. Firstly, love the podcast. Should you spell my name right? Yes. Good, Jenna. Just wanted to send a quick message after listening to an episode where you said that James can't hiccup quietly and how annoying it is. Yeah. My husband has the most annoying habit when he sneezes to the point it makes me want to cry or smack him in the face.

11:01Clair Buckley:Basically, straight after his sneeze Ridiculously loudly, may I add He does a Michael Jackson impression going Hee hee at the end It drives me mental, but he does it every time And finds himself hilarious Anyway, just wanted to share that I have an annoying hubby too Hey, Jenna, I was liking you for a second No, you like our husband No, that does sound annoying Why are you laughing then? You like it, I know you do I know you like it You do something after you sneeze all the time as well Go on Every time you sneeze you go Oi Every time Let me act it out Oi Yeah, see Every time Every time alright I'll work on it I'm all for you know and that's largely what this podcast is about me talking through stuff we're trying to get you to change yeah improvement new year new me is there anything I do do I have any little weird habits that annoy you I find you I just find you too attractive it really is that simple so I can't think of anything I genuinely can't think of anything that you do where I go no it doesn't have to be it's just like oh she does that all the time like a little noise or I don't know or I do something the man brain's very simple Claire it is really simple you can see past stuff you just can't like it doesn't you just forget all about it yeah yeah women don't have that you could be Ryan Gosselin and you'd still like I reckon give it five years give it five years and we'd still be like this prick's getting on my nerves yeah if Ryan sat with his little hands on his knee I think I'd still go oh Ryan that's not doing it for me I'm sorry that reading my phone while sat on the train got me a little bit queasy.

13:29Clair Buckley:And that's not manly enough for you, Claire. The queasiness was fine. That's got nothing to do with the leg placement. I don't know. I was just trying to get comfortable. Okay. You looked great. You looked comfortable. What do you think, though? Doing a little sneeze and saying hee hee. Yeah, that's annoying. Of course it is. More or less annoying than my hiccups? Oh, less. Oh, okay. Good. Thank goodness. Your hiccups go on for days. I can't control them. I can't control the loudness of them. I don't want to do them. Why, when you're making a point, do you do this all the time? Chana. Okay.

14:08Okay. I don't know why I asked that.

14:12Clair Buckley:No, this got me thinking about the most annoying habits. And here's a list of annoying habits according to BuzzFeed. It got you thinking? You're doing this yourself? It was what I've been told to say right now. Yeah, it sounded like it. I had to point that out because that sounded so fake, it was unbelievable. BuzzFeed. I never, I think BuzzFeed was something that passed me by. Yeah. I think you have to be a very specific age to have got into, and probably American, to have really got into BuzzFeed. What do they do? Lists of stuff? I think it was sort of a, like, news round for 16 to 25-year-olds.

14:55Clair Buckley:You could do a quiz along the lines of pick your favourite crisp flavour and we'll tell you what Game of Thrones character you are. I do. Sometimes I do get sucked into those. I do kind of like those, actually. That's what they did. Right, fine. Here's some things on the list. Of the most annoying habits. Yes. Right. I've got a funny feeling. Let me see how many you do out of this list. Right. Right, there's one. That's fucking annoying. Loud chewers. James, you're terrible. Now, I don't know what to do about that either. Stop doing that. Why, is that annoying? Yes. God, we're in inception at the moment.

15:38Clair Buckley:Us talking about annoying habits, and I'm irritating you while talking about it. Yeah, you are, yeah. loud chewers now I don't know what to do you're a loud chewer I don't know what to do drives me crazy I don't know what to do about that because shut your fucking mouth because I shut your mouth when you're chewing I do not open my mouth when I chew you do sometimes I do not open my mouth you do sometimes my mouth is closed you do sometimes I don't like people when you're eating Papa Doms you're like it drives me fucking insane right no you you just get annoyed and I talk to you about this all the time it's loud food no and that's fine I don't mind Do not open my mouth when I'm eating a lot.

16:14Clair Buckley:I don't. That is rude. James, I sit and watch you. No, I don't. I watch you. I say to you all the time, shut your mouth. I don't sit there going... You do? I could not. James, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm fucking telling you, you do. I don't. I don't. I'll take a video next time. Do it. I will. Loud chewers. So are they annoying? Aye. Slow walkers. They're annoying. They're annoying. You don't do that. No, I definitely don't do that. you could never accuse me on many things Claire on many things I'm not a slow walker when someone because walking's boring I want to get it over and done with as quickly as possible that is it isn't it when someone says they need to tell you something and then say never mind that doesn't happen to me a lot to be honest with you no I get a lot of I'll tell you later yeah I can't handle that no see I love that I'm like god I can't fucking wait for later Katie texted me the other day it was like literally like closing shop getting ready to go to bed yeah she called me i was at the ice rink that was what it was i was at the ice rink with jude i couldn't i couldn't take a phone call at the time she called me and i was like and this was about half seven yeah and i was like god that's a late call yeah what's happened and then i sent a text saying oh sorry i can't talk right now is everything okay oh no it's nothing to worry about right now that that phrase is the most ironic phrase absolutely in the english language yeah um hanging out with someone who's on their phone the whole time yeah that's annoying i don't again that doesn't really happen to me that often no because you're the one on your phone only with you yeah um and you're on your phone as well you do that only when you're on your phone that's not true i sit there for ages looking at you.

18:06I've seen so many

18:06Clair Buckley:sketches on Instagram where it's like she has a go at you for being on her phone and the sketch is like a woman on her phone constantly so you're like I'll get my phone out. No that's what I did. Oh what are you going to do? Are you going to be on your phone the whole time? No that's what I did. You're full of shit. No I'm not. I don't open my mouth when I'm talking and this is the complete opposite of what you're saying right now. Absolutely not. When someone finishes a food item then puts the empty container back in the fridge I don't do that You don't put it back in the fridge but you do take the little chocolate drawer we've got you'll take the last Kit Kat out of the packet and you'll leave the empty packet No, that's the kids You do it as well I don't do that That goes straight in the plastic I'm in charge of the That's my only thing That's my job that you gave me to make me feel like I'm doing something What, the bins?

18:55Clair Buckley:Yeah Okay I do, I rush home sometimes to put the bins out and you're like it's fine I'll do it and I go no if you take the bins away from me then I've got nothing I bring nothing to the table I was talking to someone the other day and I was like I don't know who I was talking to but I was I was like oh I've got to take one boy to boxing then I've got this is what I'm up to today I've got to take one of our kids to boxing then I've got to take the other one to ice skating and then a little bit later I've got to take them back for another session of ice skating ice hockey what has Jude told you about that he's like stop telling people I do ice skating he does figure skating he's like it's ice hockey and they were like oh and I was like I can't remember what it was he was like oh is Claire not around sort of thing it wasn't like that though it wasn't like an accusative I can't remember exactly what was said and I said a driving licence is all I bring to this marriage that's all I've got a driving licence so I can drive people to things.

20:05Yeah, I'd agree with that.

20:08Clair Buckley:When someone takes up both armrests... You can't do that. Who's doing that? Who's doing that? You pick one and that shows... In the cinema or something. I think there does need and this might be a Buckley's Law, Claire. I think there does need to be, let's decide when you sit down what side your armrest is. I feel like everybody should just go to the right. Yeah, that's what I would do. Everybody go to the right. And the person at the end is on the end. Because when you go to the cinema... Because if the person at the aisle goes on the left then... Someone will. One of the aisle seats will be the lucky people that get both armrests.

20:56Clair Buckley:But we need to decide as a society which armrest if we're sitting in a cinema because also you've got the cup holder in a cinema and that can cause a bit of whose cup is sometimes I've sat there in a cinema and I'm just fucking holding a wet cup of all condensation all over it because I don't know which cup I'm where's my armrest yeah right okay well we've decided go to the right everybody go to the right everyone go to the right when someone is not ready to order when they get to the counter yeah oh god come on have that shit ready yeah if you're making I'm not talking restaurants if you're talking about like grabbing a coffee you've waited in line then you get up and you go um yeah ooh yeah if I'm heading somewhere I know where I'm where I'm going and what I'm getting hurry up when someone FaceTimes someone in public without headphones absolutely right we've done that we can't do that again the generally accepted polite convention for cinema or armrest is to use the right side armrest as it is frequently associated with being right handed and less likely to cause conflict however the most common practical solution is first come first served no then we go then society's falling apart come on yeah unless it's me unless I get there first this is a classic Buckley's apparently but recently United Airlines has added a new rule to combat bear beating.

22:32What?

22:34Clair Buckley:You shouldn't be bear beating on flights. What does that mean? Do you want to have a guess? Wanking? That's what I thought. Yeah. No, bear beating is when someone is listening to music or watching a film without headphones on. Oh, bear beats, yeah. Bear beating. Now, I already knew about this. You can't do that. Because my Instagram is quite good at serving me up stuff that I'll go. But United Airlines have banned it. Great. Apparently. They are happy to provide headphones for you. Right. Yeah. But if you want to watch or listen to something out loud on your phone or iPad or something, you're off.

23:16Great. Love it.