It's the Cods Pollocks

4:33Clair Buckley:As long as you sounded like you were awake, but now they've got cameras everywhere in all those studios, everything's clipped up for social media and all that. I'm going to have a fucking spot in the middle of my face.

4:44James Buckley:Make-up, take some make-up.

4:45Clair Buckley:I can't do it. I can't do it. And also, we're doing two records, not to spoil anything for anyone, we're doing two records of this podcast today.

4:55James Buckley:Yeah.

4:55Clair Buckley:So you're going to have to put some makeup on for the second. Okay.

4:59James Buckley:I can do that. But I'm furious. Yeah.

5:04Clair Buckley:Absolutely furious.

5:05James Buckley:I've actually got something that's really annoying me right now. I absolutely scolded the Riffy Mammoth last week. Yeah, you did, didn't you?

5:15Clair Buckley:What was it, on pizza or something?

5:16James Buckley:Yeah, you know those little Chicago Town pizzas? Now, I bloody love them. Love them too much. Tried to eat it as soon as it came out of the oven.

5:22Clair Buckley:Yeah, that's the problem.

5:23James Buckley:And I burnt the top of my mouth. This was last Wednesday, right? We're coming up on a week nearly, and it is still red raw. And it is so painful.

5:36Clair Buckley:I've done it so many times on a pizza. I never learn.

5:39James Buckley:It's because the cheese on top and that sauce underneath, my God.

5:43Clair Buckley:Yeah, it's the sauce underneath. it's like lava sometimes isn't it and it bursts through the cheese and all of a sudden you're in loads of pain

5:51James Buckley:but now I can't eat anything anytime I eat anything that's room temperature it kills it also I had some chips the other night and like just homemade chips so like the ends were a little bit burnt and it like poked it and honestly it's dire

6:10Clair Buckley:and it's not going away

6:12James Buckley:it's going to take forever to heal

6:14Clair Buckley:The mouth does take a while to heal. Or it takes really quickly to heal. I can't remember which one it is.

6:19James Buckley:Well, this is taking forever.

6:21Clair Buckley:I actually can't remember which one it is.

6:23James Buckley:Wow, that's annoying me. Have you ever done it, like, the next morning

6:28Clair Buckley:after you've burnt your mouth on a pizza, you wake up and you start running your tongue along the roof of your mouth and bits of skin start flaking off?

6:35James Buckley:Right, see, that's not even happened to me yet. It's literally, I can, you know when you can, like, taste rawness?

6:42Clair Buckley:It's just raw, man.

6:43James Buckley:It's just raw. and it's not it actually woke me up last night wow it's so sore I think it's the worst I've ever burnt myself

6:51Clair Buckley:is it a sore spot

6:52James Buckley:it is yeah and I burn myself all the time

6:55Clair Buckley:you do you're always burning yourself

6:57James Buckley:not usually inside my mouth no but I'm fine with burns I'm like

7:02Clair Buckley:well yeah

7:03James Buckley:I can move on you are

7:05Clair Buckley:yeah I mean I don't want to keep saying it you're clumsy you constantly burn yourself nearly sliced your finger off last Christmas

7:11James Buckley:talking of clumsy I broke my feet now Now, anybody who knows me knows I love mugs, my cups. I broke my favourite mug.

7:21Clair Buckley:Some people might say you married one.

7:25James Buckley:I broke my favourite one yesterday. And James went, what happened? And again, I don't know. It flew out of my hand.

7:35Clair Buckley:You just put your hands up and just shook your head to me. I went, oh, you dropped it.

7:39James Buckley:But I didn't just drop it. Literally, you know, anyway. So yeah I'm hoping you can fin it again Get me up for Christmas

7:47Clair Buckley:I'll see what Santa's elves can do Claire

7:51James Buckley:I'm Santa's elves

7:53Clair Buckley:I feel like My intro was a moan About this spot So I'm just going to skip over my little moan thing I just wanted to quickly ask you something How do you find Saved There we go saved Instagram posts.

8:14James Buckley:Oh, God. Now, this came up for me.

8:17Clair Buckley:I saved it. And I was like, I'm going to ask Claire about this.

8:21James Buckley:Right.

8:22Clair Buckley:So these are four serial killers that were caught by their Google searches.

8:29James Buckley:Right.

8:30Clair Buckley:I don't know. Serial killers? I don't actually know if they are serial killers. You know how sometimes people over-exaggerate stuff to make things. I think they're murderers. People that have been caught murdering through the police looking at their Google search history, right? Right, okay. And I was thinking, I was looking at these and I was like, I wouldn't be surprised if Claire's Googled these anyway.

8:51James Buckley:I do worry about this, guys. This is a real worry of mine.

8:53Clair Buckley:Like, you cannot murder anyone. You can't. They'd find you so quickly.

8:58James Buckley:Or have I Googled, have I been Googling so much for so many years that they would just go, oh, she's just a fucking nutter?

9:06Clair Buckley:Yeah, no, they'll go, this makes sense. lock her up like you wouldn't the jury would be all over you

9:14James Buckley:I think I could win them over of course you wouldn't I think I could no you'd start shouting at them and saying they're not being good enough jurors or something and that you would

9:22Clair Buckley:do it better

9:23James Buckley:no a wee tear for me right

9:28Clair Buckley:would these have you right so

9:31James Buckley:have I googled any of these

9:32Clair Buckley:Brian Walsh he googled how to dispose of a 115 pound body minutes after his wife vanished. Oh, yeah.

9:42James Buckley:I've seen him. There's a court case. His whole thing is in court and the lawyer, the prosecutor, he didn't just Google that. He Googled loads of stuff.

9:53Clair Buckley:Yeah.

9:53James Buckley:And it was all just, how do you do this? How do you do that? Anyway, yeah, it was screwed.

9:58Clair Buckley:Have you ever Googled that? I've never. I feel like that's something you would have Googled.

10:01James Buckley:I've never Googled how do you dispose of a body? Because, do you know why? Why? I'm too fucking clever.

10:06Clair Buckley:You already know.

10:07James Buckley:Just in case. You already know how to dispose one. Just in case one day I need to dispose of one. Right. I won't Google it. Anyway, I've got my plan.

10:15Clair Buckley:Okay.

10:15James Buckley:I know what I'd do. It's a good one. It's foolproof. I spoke to a police officer about it as well. And she was like, that's actually a good idea. And I was like, yeah.

10:24Clair Buckley:Jason Scott Googled police tracking cell phones.

10:29James Buckley:No, I've never heard of that.

10:31Clair Buckley:No?

10:31James Buckley:No.

10:32Clair Buckley:No?

10:32James Buckley:I don't need to worry about that.

10:34Clair Buckley:All right. Before, this is Kevin Rook. before killing his ex-wife he searched how long before a body smells? I feel like you've definitely googled that.

10:46James Buckley:I maybe have googled that in terms of cases that I've read about that there argue or there's there's a bit of misinformation about how long the body was somewhere. I don't think I have though.

11:02Clair Buckley:No.

11:02James Buckley:I don't think I have. No.

11:04Clair Buckley:You don't think you have.

11:05James Buckley:I could have. Who knows?

11:07Clair Buckley:Because you sit there you watch those documentaries who's that one that David Tennant played that geezer

11:12James Buckley:Dennis Nielsen

11:12Clair Buckley:yeah Nielsen because he's flat stank didn't it or something famously really smelt of all the decomposing one of the neighbours

11:18James Buckley:called a plumber yeah and he went out and he from the outside he pulled away the drainage pipe and it was just people

11:27Clair Buckley:gunk yeah I feel like you'd be watching that and you'd go how long does it take for a body to start smelling

11:33James Buckley:maybe I might have innocently done that

11:37Clair Buckley:this is it this is one I definitely don't think you have

11:43James Buckley:this is the one I have

11:44Clair Buckley:no you haven't no you haven't this would be insane but Gilberto Vale Val also known as the cannibal cop New York police officer caught googling how to cook a woman

11:59James Buckley:no I've not I've not I've googled how to cook a man right No, no, I think I'm fine. I think I'm fine. I genuinely think if you looked, listen, if something happened and police genuinely looked into my search history, I think it would be obvious that I'm just a little crime nerd.

12:20Clair Buckley:I think if you looked at anyone's Google search history, Listen, there's one.

12:24James Buckley:I'd like to have a look at fucking yours.

12:26Clair Buckley:Well, just out of context, well, let me see if I can get my, like, I will look insane. It won't be about murder or anything like that, But you would, if you looked, I suppose if you did look at my search history, it would be like.

12:38James Buckley:Big titted mouths.

12:39Clair Buckley:No, no, no, no, no. I've already got one of those.

12:46James Buckley:Thanks. It's so lovely to me.

12:51Clair Buckley:I just want to find like a time, the last time I sort of went down a little Google.

12:56James Buckley:Oh, God. Last time I went down a Google haul with like.

13:00Clair Buckley:I'll be honest with you, it's all Christmas gifts at this time of year. The last funny thing that I googled, it was a couple of days ago. It just said, Greek philosopher turtle death.

13:14James Buckley:So there was a Greek philosopher killed by a turtle?

13:17Clair Buckley:Yeah. When does Lent start? How long is Lent? Can you use butter to shave?

13:26James Buckley:Why did you Google that?

13:27Clair Buckley:Because I was watching an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer starts using butter to shave and he's like, oh, it's really good.

13:34James Buckley:Is that how you got that spot in your nose? No.

13:38Clair Buckley:I was obviously looking for shirts, smart shirts. I've typed in Goodfellas collars. Blanket poncho with a hood.

13:48James Buckley:No more ponchos.

13:51Clair Buckley:All right, I'll leave it there.

13:52James Buckley:Aye.

13:53Clair Buckley:Claire, have you got anything that you would like? I'm just moaning about my spot. I'm going to be honest, the spot thing's completely thrown me off today. I can tell.

14:01James Buckley:You're being a bit giddy about it. Relax, nobody cares.

14:05Clair Buckley:I care.

14:06James Buckley:Why? Because you're known for having great skin.

14:10Clair Buckley:No, my skin's really harsh on me. I do look after my skin. I've got a whole routine.

14:15James Buckley:What have I told you recently?

14:17Clair Buckley:What have I told you, Claire? I've always said this to you. What's your fucking tone? I've always said this to you. I would never, ever like to look like an idiot in front of people.

14:26James Buckley:Okay. Well, I think...

14:28Clair Buckley:Now I feel it's finally happened.

14:29James Buckley:I think you put too much stuff on your face. I think your skin care routine has become too complicated. I think you're using too much. You're using different things.

14:41Clair Buckley:I've got complicated skin, Claire.

14:43James Buckley:No, I think that's why you've got complicated skin.

14:46Clair Buckley:No, I've grown complicated skin, naturally. Because some parts of my face need a different thing than the other parts of the face. You've decided this. No, I've not decided this. I've done research and looked into it.

14:59James Buckley:Into looking at stuff that people are trying to sell you? No, I don't. So they make it sound like you need it?

15:04Clair Buckley:No, I work with makeup artists for my job and stuff. And throughout the years, they've said, oh, you should try this, you should try that.

15:11James Buckley:And how many of the products have you got?

15:14Clair Buckley:All of them, pretty much.

15:16James Buckley:You're doing too much. Just a wee bit of soap and water before you go to bed. And then a wee bit of cream.

15:24Clair Buckley:I need to see a dermatologist

15:25James Buckley:Okay

15:26Clair Buckley:I definitely do My nose is oily In between my eyebrows is dry

15:31James Buckley:So you get a

15:33Clair Buckley:I get beard dandruff You get a combination face wash

15:38James Buckley:For combination skin You get one face wash You wash your face with it You dry your face You put on some moisturiser And you go to bed

15:46Clair Buckley:That's pretty much what I do But just a couple more steps No it's not

15:49James Buckley:Come on

15:50Clair Buckley:You've got to put eye cream on before you go to bed.

15:53James Buckley:Yeah, I don't mind about eye cream. I've got some eye cream. I use Kiehl's. Kiehl's is the best eye cream. The avocado eye cream. It's really good.

16:01Clair Buckley:I agree.

16:01James Buckley:Not sponsored, just telling you. I feel like when you, see when you have like an Instagram or a podcast or something and you're just talking then people are like, oh, she's been paid to say that. So you feel the need then to go, I'm just letting you know, by the way. Yeah. That I like it. I'm not being paid to say that. Yeah. But what can you do?

16:19Clair Buckley:Listen. Well, this is it. People throw around the phrase sellout more than any time in history, I think. Yeah. And I just want to go up to these people and go, do you do your job for free? Oh, what, you don't just do it because you enjoy? Oh, you sellout. What, you don't even like your job? Oh, you're just doing it for the money. You fucking sellout. Where's your dignity?

16:45James Buckley:I know, yeah, I know. Adverts on podcasts. Yeah, because all these people don't need to get paid. That's it, yeah.

16:52Clair Buckley:We are awful. Imagine us doing something for money. That's why I get these spots.

16:59James Buckley:Stress.

17:00Clair Buckley:It's God. Stress. God's punishing me for being such a bastard.

17:04James Buckley:Yeah, yeah.

17:05Clair Buckley:For trying to tell people that some nuts are nice. Peej, you'd do this for free, wouldn't you?

17:10James Buckley:So that we don't have to do adverts.

17:12Clair Buckley:Peej wouldn't do this for free. Yeah. I've seen him in the wild. that boy is so that boy is so close to a heart attack Jesus I don't know whether he was really I don't know whether he was really stressed or saw me before I saw him and thought I've got to get the fuck out of here

17:32James Buckley:wait you saw him outside the podcast

17:34Clair Buckley:yeah we saw him during the week me and Katie were at the train station at a tube station and I went is that is that Paige and Katie was like yeah yeah I think and he was just he was like this he was like sweating and it was like there was it was a busy time of the day as well and he was like looking over the crowd and stuff like trying to find a quicker way to get up the escalators and things I was like fucking hell he needs to at that point he needs to calm down

18:01James Buckley:bless him

18:03Clair Buckley:he was on the way

18:04James Buckley:to get us some advert deals I think that's what it was

18:07Clair Buckley:yeah and that must be a tough job no hey Claire

18:12James Buckley:yes Matt

18:13Clair Buckley:should we have a little swiping and I need to, oh, we've got some good listener updates. Yeah, we've got some good stuff. Okay. Have a little swipe. All right.

18:21James Buckley:This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense?

18:39Clair Buckley:There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies 18+. Do you hear that? Sounds like breakfast is ready. Because Quaker's coming in hot with morning nutrition, 100 % whole grain oats, and a good source of fiber to fuel the rhythm of your morning and kickstart your day. And that sounds absolutely delicious. Fuel to start whatever's next Quaker, official sponsor of FIFA World Cup 26

19:17Clair Buckley:Alright, Claire Yes Listener updates Okay A few weeks back we mentioned some brilliant slash terrible pun themed shop names

19:27James Buckley:Yes, this was mine

19:29Clair Buckley:You've been sending in yours Here are some of the best ones we've had through This is from Craig

19:35James Buckley:Shut up, Craig

19:36Clair Buckley:You'll appreciate this one.

19:38James Buckley:Yeah, I've seen this.

19:39Clair Buckley:You've seen it?

19:40James Buckley:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

19:40Clair Buckley:In Airdrie, Scotland, there was a cafe located directly behind Aldi, the supermarket, perfectly named...

19:48James Buckley:Bacchialdi's.

19:49Clair Buckley:Bacchialdi's. But it looks like a sort of Italian...

19:53James Buckley:Italian, yeah, yeah.

19:54Clair Buckley:Thought Claire would appreciate that one.

19:56James Buckley:Thanks, Craig.

19:57Clair Buckley:Owen, I've got two for you. The first is a salon called Only Tans.

20:01James Buckley:Nice, nice.

20:03Clair Buckley:I assume they go there. Who? The women.

20:08James Buckley:Oh, so are they all tanned?

20:10Clair Buckley:I wouldn't know, mate.

20:12James Buckley:Yeah, you walked into that one, didn't you? I wouldn't know. Let's check that Google history again.

20:17Clair Buckley:Feel like you missed some stuff out. Only tans have come up quite a lot.

20:22James Buckley:Aye, have I?

20:23Clair Buckley:And best of all is a bait and tackle shop called Master Baits.

20:29James Buckley:Come on. How are you getting away with that?

20:32Clair Buckley:That's bad, isn't it?

20:33James Buckley:Baits with a Z.

20:35Clair Buckley:Yeah, well, that's how you do it.

20:37James Buckley:Why did I say Z?

20:38Clair Buckley:What do you mean, Z?

20:39James Buckley:Z? Sorry about that, guys. Do I say Z? W-X-Y-Z. You, they say Z. I think that's why I said it.

20:48Clair Buckley:I think it's because of the song. What song? Now I know my ABCs. W-X-Y-N-Z. Z.

20:56James Buckley:This is riveting stuff.

20:58Clair Buckley:Yeah, you'll have to cut that out. Chris is here. Chris says, I used to pass a chippy on the way to hockey training over 15 years ago now with what I still deem to be the best name ever. Somewhere between York and Selby Snaith. It's a place I've never read of. It's a fish and chip shop called Frying Nemo. Doesn't really work, I'll be honest with you.

21:23James Buckley:Doesn't work great, does it? Finding Nemo, Frying Nemo. I mean, it's good. It's good. I prefer the ones that rhyme.

21:31Clair Buckley:That would be a good film, though. A good sequel to Nemo.

21:36James Buckley:no we had good sequels

21:38Clair Buckley:and emo do you remember when I told the kids when we watched the second Boss Baby

21:41James Buckley:you can't say this James this is terrible

21:43Clair Buckley:I'm not going to say it all but we were like we really loved the first Boss Baby Boss Baby

21:50James Buckley:yeah it was a good one

21:50Clair Buckley:and then they brought out a second one the kids were still young when this came out weren't they yes they were and I went yeah this is the one where he dies

21:59James Buckley:the baby I was like

22:01Clair Buckley:Boss Baby dies

22:02James Buckley:and they were going what yeah because they were little yeah

22:06Clair Buckley:I was going yeah he dies and this one's quite sad

22:11James Buckley:and I walk in halfway through these conversations and I was like no he doesn't don't be stupid why are you telling them that and what you actually told them was terrible

22:21Clair Buckley:I said he gets stabbed I said yeah baby gets stabbed

22:28James Buckley:because I think what happened was they went how does he die and you just panicked and I went

22:33Clair Buckley:stabbed It was when I said that that the pair of them went, right, yeah, whatever. Yeah, I think they knew. Because I think even they knew that they wouldn't make a kid's film where a baby gets stabbed.

22:49Clair Buckley:Steve-O's here.

22:50James Buckley:Steve-O.

22:51Clair Buckley:Steve-O. Again, it's another. It's very, look, these were the best ones, Peach. Right. Peach is nodding. Spotted this cafe or caf on the beachfront in Girvan.

23:04James Buckley:Girvan during a visit

23:06Clair Buckley:and thought it was brilliant a snack bar called Only Food and Sauces

23:10James Buckley:Only Food and Sauces I don't mind that but I mean they've proper ripped off the the actual yeah why wouldn't you sign and the writing hey listen

23:21Clair Buckley:when I'm doing Jay's Bar and Grill don't you worry it's going to be all in between can I just say

23:26James Buckley:by the way I think we forgot to sort of go back on that go on because I was taking the piss out of you for Jay's Bar and Grill So my God, were those comments all for it.

23:36Clair Buckley:Yeah. Do you know I have people come up to me in the street telling me that that'd be a good idea?

23:41James Buckley:When?

23:42Clair Buckley:I've had it a handful of times, at least half a dozen times, at least six times. People have gone, I love the podcast. You know when you were talking about that, Jay's Bar and Grill? That's a really, really good idea.

23:53James Buckley:Yeah. Do it. Do it, mate.

23:55Clair Buckley:I don't know how to. I've never owned a bar or a grill,

23:59James Buckley:and now I'm planning on owning both of them.

24:04Clair Buckley:Courtney says for a good few years in my town of Aylesbury it's quite posh I think Aylesbury

24:10James Buckley:that sounds posh I don't know why I thought that as well

24:13Clair Buckley:I think you get ducks from there

24:14James Buckley:it's not posh Katie's saying it's not posh Katie's slagging your two and a half

24:18Clair Buckley:I went to Aylesbury when I was younger a mate of mine was doing a pantomime in Aylesbury and I was it was Shaloo or it might have been Muller actually it was one of those two obviously went to go and see him in Aylesbury I'd been living in Dagnum when I went to Aylesbury I went fucking hell it's posh here right okay so it's posh for you we had a Singbreeze local Singbreeze

24:45James Buckley:Singbreeze

24:45Clair Buckley:unfortunately the branding theft led to their shutdown

24:50James Buckley:oh Singbreeze shut them down see I don't appreciate that big brands like that shutting down the little guys for having a wee bit of fun

25:02Clair Buckley:I don't even know how to pronounce this. Craig is talking about a restaurant in his area. He says, unreal scran, hash browns with crack powder. What?

25:14James Buckley:I think that's a play on what it's called.

25:17Clair Buckley:Right. In my area, you might like Pablo Egzgabal.

25:23James Buckley:Egzgabal.

25:25Clair Buckley:Egzgabal. Hash browns with crack powder. He didn't do crack, did he?

25:31James Buckley:no it was all it was all about the cocaine yeah

25:34Clair Buckley:but cocaine but cocaine's called crack oh is it I don't know oh yeah crack cocaine I don't know my drugs no I don't actually know

25:41James Buckley:is crack cocaine a different kind of cocaine

25:46Clair Buckley:I don't know that was the part of Boss Baby I fell asleep during we're talking about that Macy says my local chippy is called the Cods the Cods Pollux that's the best one that's the best one we've had like We've got a few more here, but none of them are going to be that good. None of them are going to be that good. The Cod's Pollocks. Everything in it works.

26:09James Buckley:Is Pollock a fish?

26:10Clair Buckley:Pollock is a fish.

26:11James Buckley:Right, okay, okay, okay, okay.

26:12Clair Buckley:The Cod's Pollocks. Where is that?

26:16James Buckley:She didn't say.

26:17Clair Buckley:Yeah, I'm going to find it out. It's next door to Elmview Store. I need to find that place. Emily says, I'm a dog walker and trainer, and there are two dog groomers near me with amazing names. One is called Doggy Styling I don't get that Sure you don't It has a few branches

26:36James Buckley:Oh Doggy Style Right sorry got it I mean they should have just called it Doggy Style

26:40Clair Buckley:Yeah but that's too

26:42James Buckley:On the nose Yeah sure

26:45Clair Buckley:I was about to say that It has a few branches And the other one is called It's the Dogs

26:52James Buckley:Yeah I like that

26:55Clair Buckley:David and Rachel they're in Norfolk we've got a baker's shop called Cream Me Up Scotty obviously I appreciate that one

27:05James Buckley:sounds a bit dirty though doesn't it?

27:06Clair Buckley:it does a little bit doesn't it? there are various Star Trek themed items often in the window Cream Me Up Scotty sandwiches, bread rolls, cakes

27:16James Buckley:you see what they've said?

27:18Clair Buckley:what?

27:18James Buckley:this shop title might also work as a massage parlour in Scotland Jesus, come down what?

27:26Clair Buckley:what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? That's true. It does. It would work.

27:32James Buckley:It's a bit rude. Come on. This isn't a rude podcast. No, it's not.

27:36Clair Buckley:No, a massage parlour. They use creams and oils and stuff. Right. I assume.

27:42James Buckley:Okay.

27:42Clair Buckley:Callum says, Every day I pass a sandwich shop and honestly the name is so spectacularly. Spectacularly. Lurururly.

27:52James Buckley:Spectacularly.

27:53Clair Buckley:Spectacularly.

27:54James Buckley:Nope. Spectacularly.

27:57Clair Buckley:Spectacularily. No. Spectacularily.

28:00James Buckley:Spectacularily.

28:01Clair Buckley:But there's another R. Spectacularily. Larily.

28:06James Buckley:Okay.

28:07Clair Buckley:Spectacularily.

28:08James Buckley:Okay. Shit.

28:10Clair Buckley:The name is so incredibly shit, it deserves an honorary mention in the Weirdest Names Hall of Fame. It just says, Inbred.

28:21James Buckley:That's great.

28:23Clair Buckley:Inbred. Inbred.

28:25James Buckley:Oh, it's a sandwich shop. Yeah, yeah.

28:27Clair Buckley:Inbred hot and cold sandwiches.

28:30James Buckley:I like that one.

28:31Clair Buckley:Jason Donovan. I think I've seen this. I think this has come up on my Instagram. It said kebab van in Bristol. Jason Donovan. Perfect. Brad says, hello. Unfortunately, the shop is no longer there now, but close to me in Northampton, we once had a furniture shop called Sofa King. And their slogan was, where the prices are Sofa King low.

28:55James Buckley:Great Very good

28:58Clair Buckley:Brilliant What else have we got here? We've got some more updates as well on tattoos Oh We've got an update here from Jonah Jonah says, love is pain Hey James, hey Claire, absolutely love the podcast You two crack me up every week So I thought I'd share my own story for your terrible tattoo segment Because honestly, mine deserves a place right at the top When I was 18, I wanted something deep and meaningful

29:23James Buckley:Oh, no.

29:24Clair Buckley:You know, proper teenage heartbreak vibes. So I went with love is pain.

29:30James Buckley:Oh.

29:31Clair Buckley:Now here's where it all went wrong. I designed it myself in Microsoft Word. And Word, being ever so helpful, automatically stuck a little comma after the word is. I didn't notice.

29:48James Buckley:Oh, yeah, I see it.

29:50Clair Buckley:Love is pain. Pain. I mean, that's still grammatically correct, isn't it?

29:56James Buckley:No, not if you want to say love is pain. No, that's the whole sentence, surely.

30:01Clair Buckley:Also, there's still a few more steps from word to your arm.

30:05James Buckley:Yeah, tattoo artists should maybe have pointed that out.

30:09Clair Buckley:Yeah, there's also more people involved and stuff. Never design tattoos in Microsoft Word. No. I've got one that was designed in Microsoft Word, to be honest.

30:19James Buckley:What? Live Forever?

30:20Clair Buckley:No, my Harrison Jude tattoo.

30:26James Buckley:What, you did that?

30:27Clair Buckley:No, someone else did it. Who? I can't remember. I can't even remember what the tattoo place I went. I went there with my mate Ben. Scott, after hearing your chat about tattoos, please find a picture of a tattoo my brother-in-law got me to get with him recently. It's pretty tame, but it made us laugh. Yes, it's good. Scott and his brother-in-law got matching tattoos and they just say the same tattoo together.

30:56James Buckley:The words, the same tattoo. The words, the same tattoo. Yeah, yeah.

31:00Clair Buckley:I like that. Lean into that sort of stuff.

31:03James Buckley:You can tell what one skips leg day at the gym though, can't you?

31:06Clair Buckley:Yeah.

31:08James Buckley:Look at the calf size difference there. What one are you, Scott? Are you leg day or not so much?

31:18Clair Buckley:Aaron says stupid meaningless tattoos hi James and Claire I recently watched the episode where we were discussing James' silly tattoo of the succulent Chinese meal and thought I'd send you some of my stupid tattoos that don't have any meaning to them well you're going to like this one aren't you first of all Jim from Friday Night Dinner which is a real sort of portrait as well and the next one is Jeffrey Dahmer get a tattoo of Jeffrey Dahmer would you do that Claire?

31:45James Buckley:no I wouldn't

31:46Clair Buckley:and it just says if you can't beat them, eat them.

31:50James Buckley:Harsh, isn't it?

31:51Clair Buckley:Oh, there's more.

31:53James Buckley:I also have a John Wayne Gacy. No time for clowning around. And a random Kenny from South Park Tato.

32:00Clair Buckley:I might get a little Kenny from South Park at some point. God.

32:04James Buckley:You know, Geoffrey Dahmer actually... Go on.

32:08Clair Buckley:Knew we shouldn't have brought that up.

32:10James Buckley:No, Geoffrey Dahmer actually once said that he didn't like to eat people with tatoes, so get a tattoo, save yourself.

32:19Clair Buckley:From Geoffrey Dahmer? Well, I don't know. That's a very specific thing to save yourself from.

32:22James Buckley:Well, he's dead news, you don't need to worry about him but I'm just saying maybe other cannibals have got the same sort of... He was murdered in prison. Did they boss baby him? No. No. It was with weights.

32:33Clair Buckley:Were they strangling him?

32:35James Buckley:No, they caved him in.

32:36Clair Buckley:Oh, I thought they'd put a weight over his chest or something like that. No, in the gym. No, just smacked him in.

32:42James Buckley:Caved him in, yeah.

32:44Clair Buckley:Oh, well. Levi says, I used to jokingly call one of my French friends a frog. Yeah, that's good. And in return, he'd always fire back at me calling me roast beef. It always felt like a poor comeback.

32:57James Buckley:Why roast beef?

32:58Clair Buckley:Oh, the French call us roast beef.

33:00James Buckley:Oh, do they?

33:00Clair Buckley:Yeah, because we're the weirdos.

33:02James Buckley:Yeah. Look at us eating roast beef.

33:04Clair Buckley:What have you got there? Beef. Fucking freaks. Ribbit. Anyway.

33:12Clair Buckley:Fucking. Eating frogs washed down with snails. Anyway, it always felt like a poor comeback, but allegedly it has to do with our pink rosy cheeks and noses looking like a slice of roast beef. After a few too many beers, we decided it'd be a great idea to have our amateur tattoo artist friend.

33:29James Buckley:It's always great when somebody's got a pow, isn't it?

33:33Clair Buckley:To be fair...

33:34James Buckley:They're not bad. Not at all. The roast beef one's good, although it does say roast beef.

33:40Clair Buckley:Roast beef.

33:41James Buckley:Oh, must have already said it right. Got it, got it, got it. Oh, no! Funnily enough, we've since fallen out. Oh, no! Which now means, despite our differences, his leg is forever adorned with a big fat roast beef and I'm stuck with a chubby little frog with his pencil moustache wielding a baguette. You do got to be careful with the matching tattoos. You got to be careful who you match with. Yeah. I don't. I've got one matching tattoo.

34:08Clair Buckley:Yeah, yeah.

34:09James Buckley:Do you know who we?

34:10Clair Buckley:Yeah, we're your sister. My sister.

34:11James Buckley:so listen even if we day fall out she's still my sister yeah but you can't just willy nilly get matching tattoos

34:19Clair Buckley:I've got your name yeah when was if we fall out

34:22James Buckley:I'm still the mother of your children well

34:24Clair Buckley:I'd already I've already decided because you've got such a unique spelling of your name

34:29James Buckley:yeah

34:29Clair Buckley:C-L-A-I-R

34:31James Buckley:mhm

34:33Clair Buckley:if I just get with a woman with the normal spelling of Claire mhm just add an E on the end of it

34:38James Buckley:what if she's C-L-A-R-E

34:40Clair Buckley:she's out

34:40James Buckley:not gonna happen not gonna happen right so C-L-E-I-R E you're looking for

34:46Clair Buckley:and I would put that on my dating profile

34:49James Buckley:right okay

34:49Clair Buckley:if you if your name is Claire and you spell it this way or even the same way that you spell yours yeah sure I feel like that's less likely though yeah come on down

34:58James Buckley:okay alright

35:01Clair Buckley:let's have a little break and then we'll move on to one of our regular features petty revenge stories

35:07James Buckley:ooh

35:09Clair Buckley:alright Claire It's time for one of our regular features, Petty Revenge.

35:15James Buckley:Petty Revenge.

35:16Clair Buckley:Petty Revenge. Petty Revenge. Petty Revenge. Ooh, what a lovely little feeling. Let's hear what the listeners are scheming. Nice. I love how bushy that one is. I really love it. It's a crimp, isn't it? This is where I ask you. I'm a petty guy.

35:38James Buckley:And I'm a revenge kind of gal.

35:40Clair Buckley:Yeah, and together.

35:41James Buckley:Petty revenge.

35:42Clair Buckley:Exactly. No, I can do things out of spite, can't I?

35:46James Buckley:Oh, you sure can, mate.

35:48Clair Buckley:And I've been asking our listeners for their petty revenge stories. Little things that probably didn't call for it, but you just thought, fuck it, I'm going to do it anyway.

35:58James Buckley:Yeah, yeah.

35:59Clair Buckley:And the more elaborate they are, the better. And if you've got some petty revenge stories, you can email us. Our email is thebuckleysatplatformmedia.uk or you can message us at thebuckleyspod on Instagram and TikTok. Anyway, Callum's here.

36:12James Buckley:Callum.

36:13Clair Buckley:The subject of their email is hairy space invader. What? I'm thinking of the crisp. I'm wondering whether he...

36:23James Buckley:I went straight to vagina.

36:25Clair Buckley:Right.

36:26James Buckley:So I don't know.

36:27Clair Buckley:That would be a penis, wouldn't it?

36:30James Buckley:Yeah.

36:31Clair Buckley:A hairy space invader. About six years ago, we were on a big family trip to Orlando, 16 of us on a long-haul flight. The couple in front weren't part of our group, but acted like they owned the place.

36:43James Buckley:Oh, fucking look at them. Hate folk like that.

36:47Clair Buckley:It gets worse, Claire.

36:48James Buckley:Come on, what were doing to them?

36:49Clair Buckley:The woman kept flipping her hair over the back seat. I hate that. Completely blocking our screen. We asked her nicely more than once, but she couldn't care less.

37:00James Buckley:Do you know if somebody did that, a woman did that to my dad on a flight? And that's out of order as well, isn't it? What?

37:07Clair Buckley:That's just rubbing it in his face. he'd love to be able to flick his hair over the back of her seat at some time

37:14James Buckley:he shaves his head yeah there's a reason but she did it to my dad and he didn't want to say anything because it was a woman

37:24Clair Buckley:right

37:25James Buckley:so I fucking stepped up

37:27Clair Buckley:did you yeah

37:27James Buckley:and that was a flight to LA as well see you I said here you fucking lose that hair in a minute yeah get it off my dad's screen

37:35Clair Buckley:but that's what he could have done he could have joked and he said I used to do what you did and if you don't want to end up like me because all it's going to take is someone oh well you can't take scissors on a plane can you

37:47James Buckley:no

37:49Clair Buckley:and that's probably why I think

37:52James Buckley:good film isn't it

37:53Clair Buckley:scissors on a plane

37:57James Buckley:now there's a sequel

37:58Clair Buckley:anyway there's a woman that keeps flicking her hair over the back of the seat blocking the screen so a petty plan was born every time her barnet spilled over the seat my missus would quietly pluck a single strand. The woman would flinch, look around, confuse, and assume it was caught in the seat. We'd get a glorious few minutes of hair-free viewing before it all started again. This went on for the entire nine-hour flight. Is this petty enough for you?

38:25James Buckley:Who are these people that would do that?

38:29Clair Buckley:What, flick the hair over the back?

38:30James Buckley:Yes!

38:31Clair Buckley:Yeah, I don't know.

38:32James Buckley:That is crazy! although I'm enjoying the thought of 16 people I know he said it was just his wife but they should have took it in tons just turned it into a big game she'd been fucking bald and that's the thing

38:48Clair Buckley:it could have been like Buckaroo or something

38:52James Buckley:if you don't make her flinch

38:55Clair Buckley:you've got to pull one out everyone's got to pull one out and if she flinches that's it you're out all of them could have taken turns

39:02James Buckley:Yeah, yeah.

39:03Clair Buckley:No, that's a good one, Callum. And well within your rights.

39:06James Buckley:Oh, absolutely.

39:08Clair Buckley:We've got one more here from Bella. Her subject is smells fishy. I can see where this is going already.

39:15James Buckley:Vagina?

39:16Clair Buckley:No. No, it's when you, if you hate someone,

39:21James Buckley:you put a fish in their car or something like that.

39:27Clair Buckley:There's a good Gaza story, actually.

39:29James Buckley:Oh, Ali McCoy. Ali McCoy says. Yeah.

39:32Clair Buckley:when he was at Rangers and they were trying to prank one of the other players and they were going to put a fish in his boot and leave it there for one of the other players to find it. And Gaz has said, no, what you do is you buy two fish. You put one in his boot and then it starts to smell and he goes, oh, fucking hell, someone put a fish in my boot and they get rid of it. But what you actually do is you hide another one. So they think the problem's been dealt with, but actually there's a whole other fish somewhere in the car.

40:00James Buckley:Yeah. Me and one of my mates at school tried to do that on the last day of secondary school. We tried to put, not a fish, we booked prawns and tried to put them doing the radiator in the head teacher's office. But in hindsight, prawns were a bad idea because they all just fell out onto the flare. And we tried to like sit them out. Anyway, it was taking us too long. We were going to get caught.

40:21Clair Buckley:I've got a vague recollection of a little prank war thing that was going on between some friends of mine. and it got to the point where somebody said, wouldn't it be funny to slap him with a fish? Right?

40:35James Buckley:God, okay.

40:36Clair Buckley:And my mate Jack was working at the fish section in Sainsbury's at the time and he got a whole salmon and it was about like this big. I was going to say, yeah, it was huge. It was a big thing. So what they did was they waited for him to come round and as he knocked on the door, they threw it from the bedroom window upstairs just threw a whole salmon at him and smacked him on the head

41:03James Buckley:see this is when boys your age grew up watching Jackass and it was just anything that remotely sounds like something they would do you'd be like yeah let's do it

41:13Clair Buckley:but it was like also for our age it was an expensive

41:17James Buckley:yeah it's a whole salmon yeah it was an

41:19Clair Buckley:expensive prank

41:20James Buckley:yeah it's a posh prank as well

41:22Clair Buckley:I think a lot of people went in for it I wasn't involved I didn't want to get involved because I was thinking if people are throwing fucking whole salmons at people I don't want to get involved with this Bella says hello Buckleys my cousin decided to give her ex a second chance

41:37James Buckley:oh never

41:37Clair Buckley:after two years of being apart

41:39James Buckley:oh god

41:40Clair Buckley:just spat everywhere they moved into a rented property together with their two children oh ok ok maybe then

41:47James Buckley:judgey fine

41:48Clair Buckley:it didn't take long for them to call it a day see

41:54Clair Buckley:my cousin's ex demanded he wanted his mattress back. It was worth pointing out at this stage, my cousin's ex had no sense of smell. My cousin gave her ex his mattress back, but not before she stabbed holes into it and hid raw prawns within the mattress. Safe to say, any guests that he may have had around would have ran a mile after discovering that smell. I believe she did those women a favour. But we don't know. We don't know what the We don't know what your cousin's ex did.

42:27James Buckley:He might have been a completely reasonable guy. So reasonable he wanted his mattress back.

42:32Clair Buckley:Yeah, and he might have just been trying to make a point.

42:34James Buckley:I want my mattress. One of the hardest things to move at a house. Exactly, yeah.

42:38Clair Buckley:And that's what he needed. But there might have been, I think I'd need my mattress. I think I'd need the mattress, Claire.

42:43James Buckley:You'd buy another one. What are you doing taking mattresses out the house?

42:49Clair Buckley:We've already said the one thing that we wouldn't be able to carve up is the Apple account. because of all the films and stuff that we've got

42:55James Buckley:yeah we've talked about this yeah who would get all the we could share it we'd be fine hmm can you have two Apple boxes and two separate houses yeah of course you can right so we'd be fine we'd share it that's the one thing we'd have to go

43:11Clair Buckley:when we go away I bring an Apple box with me

43:12James Buckley:right yeah but can two can two can they both be signed in at the same time like you're in your house watching a film and I'm in my house watching a film yeah

43:20Clair Buckley:we have we have a few Apple boxes in the house

43:23James Buckley:Aye, I know, in the same house. I'm talking about different location.

43:27Clair Buckley:Yeah.

43:28James Buckley:What?

43:28Clair Buckley:You're an analogue lady, aren't you?

43:30James Buckley:What is that?

43:31Clair Buckley:You're an analogue lady in a digital world.

43:35James Buckley:We'd be fine, though. I couldn't lose all the horror films I've bought.

43:39Clair Buckley:Well.

43:40James Buckley:Or you've bought. I think it's your card that's attached in it. Oh, yeah. So technically it's yours then. Could you take all my films away?

43:46Clair Buckley:It's tens of thousands. I think I would be, yeah, I think I would be bitter enough to do that. I think I would be. Because I know that's where it would hurt you. Because I'd be very hurt. Don't worry. If we split up, I'll be the more hurt.

44:00James Buckley:Yeah.

44:00Clair Buckley:So I think I'll be like, do you know, I'm taking a fucking horror film.

44:03James Buckley:Oh. Well, that's mean.

44:06Clair Buckley:You can have them back. What, if I take? But you need to take me back too. I'd ransom them. Oh, Claire, should we fucking stop this episode? This is a weird episode, this one.

44:18James Buckley:James thinks this is the worst episode we've ever done, guys.

44:20Clair Buckley:It's just nothing, this episode. thank you very much for listening remember you can get in touch with your stories and questions by emailing the Buckleys at platformmedia.uk or you can message us at the BuckleysPod on Instagram and TikTok and don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Potify

44:34James Buckley:Potter Potter Potter

44:37Clair Buckley:don't forget to follow and subscribe oh did you see he was on stage

44:41James Buckley:I was got to interrupt you and I thought oh I better know

44:43Clair Buckley:oh people going mental aren't they

44:45James Buckley:where we met Tom Felton

44:47Clair Buckley:oh Felts on stage he's playing Draco Mouth yeah again

44:51James Buckley:People went fucking ballistic.

44:53Clair Buckley:Came on stage, said the word Potter. Had to stand there for about 30 seconds before he could carry on the show. People losing their fucking minds. It was brilliant.

45:02James Buckley:Love them.

45:02Clair Buckley:Don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever podcast app you use. And if you are feeling extra generous, why not go ahead and leave us a review? All that is left is for Claire to say.

45:15James Buckley:See you next Thursday.

45:17Clair Buckley:We'll be here. You might not. Chafton's got a chafe!

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