James Buckley's School Fight Story

22:27The Buckleys:You should. Or physics, even though that would fucking melt my mind. Yeah, you're not smart enough to take physics. I know I'm not, but it's fascinating. I think a history course you would love. But you can do those online. If you genuinely just thought you would enjoy that. Could I get a qualification? Yeah. Do it. Sign up for a history course. Well, when I get the time, I'll do it. I would like to. You've never, you've got to make time. I know, I don't, but I don't. But you can't. Unfortunately, you can't make time. You cannot make time. There's only so much time. If you want to do it. And then when all that time's gone, there's no more time left over to do the thing that you want to do.

23:06Well, when you're sitting on the bed in your pants saying that you're just going to chill out for a bit, you could be doing your course.

23:11The Buckleys:Yeah, that's right. Instead of watching The Sopranos for the 18th time. Fucking love The Sopranos. You've restarted it. I nearly finished it. Have you? And you didn't involve me in this one? I couldn't be arsed. I didn't want to get into it I didn't want to get locked into a timetable with you I want to be able to watch like because I've been watching it on the train and stuff like that as well yeah I know here's some examples some things that happened in every school while we have our own memories of school some things inevitably happened to everybody all over the country yeah this happens dog in the playground oh my god that was so exciting wasn't it dog in the playground one time at our primary school there was two dogs in the playground and they started shagging Brilliant.

23:54The Buckleys:Brilliant. And that was an exciting day. Yeah. Yeah. And the teachers were freaking out. Freaking out. A pupil becomes a business person selling drinks and sweets. Yeah. That was you, wasn't it? Yeah. That was you. I set up my own little business where I could... I don't know even though why this was a business. I'd be paid like 50p or something like that to print off. Jesus, this is weird. I don't even know how to explain this. Wrestling WWF people as South Park characters. You would draw them? No. I found this website. Like it must have been 99, 2000, something like that. Right. Where you could only use the internet after six o 'clock and all that nonsense.

24:50The Buckleys:Yeah. and I found this website that would generate, make, or I don't know, there was just loads of them, and I just would click on it, save the picture, print them out. Like I'd get orders. I'd be like, oh, can I get one of the rock and stuff like that? Ah, as a little South Park guy. As a little South Park character. Right. I'd print them out, and people would put them in their locker and stuff like that. You had lockers? Yeah. Oh, we always wanted lockers. You had to pay for it. I think it was like£15 a year or something like that Right, wow I would have loved a locker that's very My locker was grim I bet it was When I left school I hadn't been in my locker for about four years I think the novelty wore off I think I had a locker And it was like, oh fucking hell, we've got lockers, isn't it great I can keep my stuff in there Put my lunch in there and things Oh god I never went back to it So how much did you charge for these little Like£50 maybe a pound Wow.

25:49The Buckleys:Yeah. And was it lucrative? Did you make it? Yeah, people loved it. People couldn't get enough of it. How much do you think you made? I reckon I must have made about 30, 40 quid. Right. Wow. Interesting. Which was probably not enough to pay for the ink I was using. Oh, I know. I didn't pay for that. No. I didn't even know that you needed to change ink and stuff. Yeah, it was just pure income for you. No outgoings. I didn't pay for the paper or anything. I didn't pay for the printer. I didn't pay for the internet. I had no overheads. Zero. Yeah, yeah. It was all just profit. What about this one?

26:27Now, this was the word where this would gather a crowd when you would just hear, fight.

26:34The Buckleys:Yeah, yeah. See, when I was at school, it was more, fight, fight, fight, fight. Yeah, it was that, yeah, fight, fight, fight. I used to hate seeing fights in the playground. I used to. I was always a little bit like, oh, this is. You'd have to go to the field across the road because the teachers would stop it. Yeah, the teachers would stop. We had so – at my secondary school, there was always a fight. I was in a few. In the corridor. I was in that. People all crowded around you and stuff. Yeah. Awful. And I couldn't fight, so I just tried to be funny. During a fight? Yeah. What did you do? Dance?

27:06The Buckleys:Well, I'd be – I remember one time, and everyone was much bigger than me. I don't know why anyone would have wanted to fight me at school because it didn't prove a fucking thing. No. but they probably did just want to barter yeah I can imagine that yeah you know I totally could see that but like I'd be like it'd be like oh it's a fight Buckley's fighting and then everyone would be around me and I'd be like so you think you can take me on the ice I used to say shit like that fair fair aww and I used to like I don't like the idea of little games I'd be like swung around and stuff oh no and I'd go like whoa

27:49Oh, that makes me feel...

27:50The Buckleys:Oh, this guy means business. You did not. I would. I'd say weird shit like that. Wow. Almost sort of sexual. Did you, could you take a beating? Oh, you're a big boy. Yeah, I could. Could you take a beating? Yeah, I could, yeah. Like, it was sort of fashionable. Jackass was a big thing. Like, getting hurt. Yeah. And, like, for some, like, yeah, I could. I could take a beating. I'd get beaten up and then laugh about it afterwards. Wow. it's not about how hard you can hit it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward absolutely there you go but zero I'm about you know did you never win a fight?

28:30never nah you never batted someday do you know what

28:33The Buckleys:I think I was in a lot of draws to be honest oh okay I was in a lot of like there's no clear real winner right okay I feel like I was in a lot of draws fine take it I'll take that signing shirts on the last day of school I don't think I went in on the last day oh no I got I got me and I think I've spoken about this me and a boy like the the last day we got in trouble and then we weren't allowed to come in right nothing doing anything weird what were you doing what were you doing no yeah no that sounded weird no we put I think I said it we put fish or something in the head teacher's office right was it fish or was it prawns it was something like that anyway then we weren't allowed to come in for all the festivities oh that's a shame and one boy climbed up on the roof on the last day and then the school called the police to come and get him done right I told you about my last assembly did I?

29:33The Buckleys:I feel like I spoke about it on this podcast I don't think so because towards the end of the year teachers we'd done our exams and there was this sort of like limbo no man's land nobody was really doing anything There wasn't really any point coming back into school anymore. And teachers would just use this as an excuse to get rid of people that annoyed them. They'd expel them. Oh. Yeah. So if they did anything wrong, any kind of infraction, it was like, right, go home. You're expelled. Right. And one kid got expelled. And during the final assembly, he burst into the back of the assembly hall. No.

30:11The Buckleys:In a balaclava. Oh, God. And he went, fucking pricks! And threw a smoke grenade. Wow. Threw a smoke grenade. And he got chased. By? By one of the teachers, one of the big men teachers chased him. Why are you talking as if you're 13 again? Well, I am. Big boys, big man teacher. But he chased him and apparently he grabbed his ankle but managed to get away. And then afterwards, it was all, it was common knowledge who it was. Teachers were going, come on, who was it? They were like cornering people. We all know who you know it is. We need to know who did it, who did it. And everyone was going, no, we're not telling you, we're not telling you.

30:57The Buckleys:And one of the teachers, who was like one of our mate teachers, meant to be really cool, we used to hang out in her classroom during break time and stuff like that. She'd let us just, we'd been in there for years. She let us, that was our hangout bit. And we were going, everyone knows, miss. Everyone knows who it is. Everyone. She was like, she was going, come on, tell us then. We go, I can't tell you. I can't tell you. No one's going to grasp. No one's a grasp. Can't tell you, but everyone knows, trust me. But I got confused because she did. Even though she was our cool teacher, she did come back with like the deputy head and stuff.

31:34The Buckleys:and they were like, oh, we've heard that you know who it is. And then we were going, we were only joking. We were winding her up. We didn't know it was at all whatsoever. I thought you were going to say you dropped a minute. And then I was talking to my mate and I was like, that's a bit out of order. Obviously no one's going to tell her who it is, but no one wants to see this guy. I don't even want to say it now. Jack, let's say. I'll say Jack. No one wants to see Jack Smith get into trouble. And it was like, it wasn't Jack Smith. They went, it was Jack Davis. I went oh everyone said it was Jack I thought it was that Jack I was like fucking good job I didn't know I would have dubbed the wrong person in it so of everybody you were the only you actually I didn't know this is why I'm shit with stuff like don't tell me secrets or anything because even if I do reveal it it would be the wrong fucking thing that's funny obviously the in between us was all about school life Claire yeah I think it's safe to say you are literally the opposite of Jay yeah but then again I don't know at school from what I've heard you were a bit of a cheeky chappy I was a bit cheeky yeah I don't think you made you didn't lie you didn't make stuff up I didn't yeah I know because then you you just get caught out don't you but that's yeah I'll tell you what there was always a person like I know people have said this but it's actually just dawned on me there was always a person who just talked shit I had a girl who I went to school with and she used to do it all the time like it didn't matter who was talking about something she'd be like oh yeah yeah i've been there yeah i did that and then obviously i went to see kyle minogue last night oh yeah i've met her she's a friend of my dad's and the older you get right the more you would sort of be like oh yeah what um like oh what color was the was the building that you went to and then they They say the wrong thing and it's so embarrassing.

33:31I just don't get that. But I feel like every school had one of them that was really bad. Yeah.

33:38The Buckleys:We've got some listener school stories. Okay, good, good, good. We asked for your funniest school memories and here were a few of your responses. Scott said, a lad stole my pencil grips and when I told on him, he ate them all so it couldn't be proved. He ate the evidence. He ate the evidence. are those the little things like the little triangle things that were on the bottom for people who couldn't hold their pencil right I used to have those I still don't hold my pencil correctly no you don't but I would still argue what's the correct way of holding a pencil well you I will say James not to call you it but you have got terrible handwriting I actually don't you do I actually don't I'm going to shock you Claire I just can't be fucked oh I just cannot be fucked at all whatsoever Okay, when we get home, you're going to take your time to write something really nicely then.

34:29The Buckleys:I was known for actually having quite nice handwriting, especially in primary school. Well, your handwriting's terrible now. No, but I can't do what you do. You do calligraphy. You do like all fucking swirls and all this. I can write in a way that's neat and legible and everything's spaced correctly. And I just can't be fucked. Sometimes it's quite hard to read your writing. Yeah, no, I just rush it. I hate writing. I absolutely hate it. I love writing. I absolutely hate it, but I did. I used to have to have one of those pyramid sort of triangles. Yeah, yeah. Arthur says, I once got locked in the swimming pool when our teacher didn't realise I was in the changing room.

35:07Oh, okay. Wow.

35:09The Buckleys:I got locked, didn't I? I got left behind during that break time. Oh, the lunch, yeah. Yeah, that was a sad little story. Taylor says, I nicked all the batteries from the school clocks. So in my mind, no one would ever know when I was late. I don't believe that. Katie said, I thought a brothel was where homeless people got soup. That was an awkward conversation.

35:35The Buckleys:What's that going to do with school? This one's well good. This one's brilliant. Barry says, my mate once accidentally admitted his sister was fit. Oh, no. No. John says, my whole year got in trouble for following the Facebook page. Mrs. blank has a huge camel toe. God. Claire, you actually replied to this as well. I did. And said, got caught selling cigarettes for 50p each. Yeah, that's what you were talking about earlier. I didn't know you were going to talk about that. Yeah, no, that's what I used to do. obviously that was at secondary school and well everybody did it at my at my school it was like if you didn't have a cigarette somebody would sell you one of their cigarettes and it was always 50 pens yeah but there was this one time right and it was actually where everybody used to go and smoke was called the smokers so people would be like all right i'll get you at the smokers after history or whatever and all the teachers knew everybody in the school knew it was this like little bit at the back of the building and there was this one time that me and my friends were there and we were smoking and i was wearing a parka that was like my school jacket right and a teacher just came from behind us and i was standing with like the cigarette and i was like and like the girls in front of me were like so i like had to just like put it up my sleeve and i was just like holding it and it just started like burning yeah they did but also there was just smoke coming at my sleeve luckily he was he was actually quite cool he was a little old guy and he was the RE teacher and he stood for ages and he was like so everybody alright?

37:26been up too much today what are you doing? and I knew that he knew and eventually he did leave and I was like

37:33The Buckleys:you idiot you idiot Claire let's have a quick swipe and then we've got some we've got some listener emails that we need to get stuck into Claire James Our listeners have been getting in touch, as always. This is from Matt. Matty. And the subject of his message is Eggcellent Haircut. Matt says, Hi Buckleys. I was in secondary school when I had a football pattern, like hexagons, shaved into my head with a Nike tick. Ah, the Nike tick. In one of the hexagons for a football camp I was on. Unfortunately, my hair hadn't grown back fast enough before returning back from the Easter holidays, and I had to go to school with the pattern still in, but the lines not as clear cut and the Nike tech not visible.

38:19The Buckleys:People had asked if I had an Easter egg pattern put in for the holiday and asked if the Easter bunny had dropped me to school. The Nike tech, I remember that. I didn't have any. I think I've got a really vague memory of, because I used to get short back and sides. and then one time I asked the hairdresser to just put two little lines on the side of my head. I feel like I did that. One line was sort of longer than the other. It was like a go-faster stripe or something. Yeah. And then some people did like the line on their eyebrow. Yeah. Yeah. I always wanted to do that but I was too scared. I can't do it because my eyebrows go really blonde towards the end.

39:05So you wouldn't really see it.

39:06The Buckleys:So if I put a line there, it would look like I've just got a really short eyebrow. The blonde tips as well. Yeah. We've got another message here from Ben. His message is called The Battle of Calais. Okay. Hello, you two legends. Not sure if this story says more about me or more about France. I went on a school day trip to Bologna in France when I was in secondary school. and the only memory I have from the whole trip is not the lovely French culture or the wonderful cafes and shops. I genuinely don't remember what was there or what I saw. I do remember, however, playing Battleschits in a toilet in Calais with two mates before getting the Eurostar home.

39:52The Buckleys:It's the one and only time I've been to France. Kind of feel like I may have wasted it, really. According to the Urban Dictionary, Battleschits is when two people enter bathroom stalls and commence battle to see who can shit the loudest. How do you control that? I don't know. My parents paid for that trip, which is quite sad in reflection. The facilities were nice though. 10 out of 10, recommended. Love the pod. We went to Paris for a school trip and secondary. Did you as well? No, I only went on one residential and I was banned from ever going on another one. Why? What did you do? I don't know.

40:26The Buckleys:I genuinely don't know. Oh, come on. You don't get banned. I genuinely don't know. I genuinely don't know. I think I was enjoying myself or having fun or something. You were being editating then. No, I don't think I was. I really don't think I was at all. The teacher just had it in for you. Yeah, there was a couple of them. Thought that. No, there was a couple of them. Listen, I'm an acquired taste. Right, yes, yes. Some people really love me. Some people are like, he's fucking great. There's one or two people that, you know, for one reason or another, cannot stand me, and that's perfectly fine.

40:58Only one or two? Yeah.

40:59The Buckleys:Most people do like me. Right. Okay. Do you want to play battle shits tonight? No. We've got another one here from Drew. Double P.E. That's what his message is called. Right. I've got a school memory that still makes me cringe. It was the day I forgot my P.E. kit and had to raid the lost and found. Yeah. What I ended up with was a pair of undersized shorts, a smelly too tight top with suspicious stains and of course not a single matching pair of shoes. It was double P.E. lesson after lunch. which should have been the fun part of the day. Instead, it became a full-blown nightmare. One other unlucky soul also forgot his kit, but he got first pick.

41:38The Buckleys:I was left with the rejects, the smelly top and the questionable shorts. The real kicker, no shoes even close to my size. The teacher refused to let me wear my school shoes. Apparently that was on the same level as slapping them with a wet fish. So I had to do PE barefoot. I ended up stepping on every bit of dropped school lunch in the hall floor. and just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the fire alarm went off. Oh no. Not during maths or English, no, during PE. So there I was looking like Neil at the Thought Park, nice reference, standing in the freezing cold car park, barefoot, waiting for the fireman to clear the alarm.

42:16That reminded me of, at my primary school, because you were saying a couple of questionable things about yours, when we forgot our PE kit at primary.

42:25The Buckleys:Did it in your pants. Pants and vests. Yeah Yeah That's so strange Get in your pants and dress And do you know what It wasn't a problem No Well everything At primary you were so loud I know I never went Oh I don't want to do I don't want to walk around In my pants I was like Yeah I know I know And there was always a couple of years Yeah Claire let's have a quick swipe Because we've got a We've got one of our features Great Claire it's time for a feature And this week It's a school edition Of Buck My Life Well, people say shit happens, this much is true. But it's not so cool when it happens to you.

43:05The Buckleys:Buck my life. Just a quick reminder, we want your stories. They could be Buck My Life moments, Buckley's Law, Buck in the Days, or even just a good old moan or embarrassing situation or whatever. Anything. You can send those in to thebuckleysatplatformmedia.uk or message us at the Buckley's Pod on Instagram and TikTok. First up, it's Annie. Annie. Annie says, hello, Buckleys. I have a question. I genuinely do not know if my children are nutters or if all children are like this. Last week, I had the most eventful week with both my kids. My boy is two, my daughter is five. Last week, my daughter on the school run decided to do a wild wee.

43:47The Buckleys:Let's just say the wild wee wasn't so wild. She had decided to piss on the grass in front of everyone. Oh, God. As you can imagine, the rumours flew around the school pretty quick. From this incident alone, my daughter is now known for being a wild weir. Great. Now, because this had happened on a Monday and the rumours spread, my daughter thinks it's hilarious that she has become a wee celebrity and has continued to piss like a dog and mark her scent all over the school. Brilliant. That is bad enough. But then the cherry on the top of the cake for my daughter was Thursday morning that same week when she brought a dead bird in at 6am from the garden.

44:29The Buckleys:This dead bird had a lovely invite from my daughter who welcomed it into our home and showed the dead bird around the house. The tour was finished in her bedroom where she finally laid the bird to rest. This is where we were all invited to see the dead animal in her room. Is it acceptable to return my feral children to the hospital they were born at? is it too late to put in for a return do they get better or are they like this for the rest of their lives she sounds amazing I've got to be honest she is something yeah she sounds great she sounds like she's going to be trouble having kids is an adventure and you're having a funny one five and two mate you're in the thick of it hang in there it'll get better encourage that encourage the weirdness encourage the sort of things that make kids special.

45:20There's something about a little girl walking around with a dead animal. Because if it was a boy, you'd be a bit like, oh, such a boy.

45:29The Buckleys:A little Spinelli or something. Yeah, but I'm picturing a really cool little girl wearing Doc Martens and just not giving a fuck about anything. It's cool to be weird. It's cool to be weird. Yeah, no, I love it. Angus says, hi, James and Claire, love the pod. Angus. About 12 years ago, I went on a school trip with my design and technology class. It was held in a big sports centre in Wales where loads of schools had their DT projects on display. Now my school was, how can I put this, thick as shit. We had brought nothing, no products, no designs. So at lunchtime, my mate dares me to go and stand next to a random project and pretend it's mine.

46:07The Buckleys:Obviously, I agree. I wander over to the table and stand next to this mysterious object and adopt what I can only describe as a confident inventor stance. Arms folded, serious nods, really selling it. Right, so people were walking around to find it about the kids' inventions. After about five minutes, people started stopping, giving me little nods of approval. Then a whole group gathers and starts asking questions. I'm basically doing a TED talk about an object I've just met. To this day, I still don't remember what it even was. Oh, I wanted to know that. Then, the worst possible timing, a photographer from the local newspaper turns up and asks if he can take photos of me with my project.

46:50The Buckleys:At this point, I'm in too deep. I graciously say yes. Mid photo shoot, a woman taps me on the shoulder. Stood next to her was a crying child. It was the mum of the kid who made the project. Oh, God. She angrily says, this isn't yours. Why are you taking credit for my son's hard work? At this point, the photographer had already left. I had absolutely nothing to say, so I do the only thing my teenage brain can think of. I stare her dead in the eyes and just walk away. No apology, no explanation, just disappear, leaving her and her crying son behind. A few days later, I'm summoned to the head teacher's office.

47:27The Buckleys:He's clearly been informed by the parent and then casually mentions they also appeared in the local newspaper, the Welsh Weekly or whatever the fuck it was called. I've never seen the article. I desperately wish I had. all the best Goose real name Angus from Bristol wow oh no thank you so much for those Buck My Life's guys that's it for this week's episode of the Buckleys thank you very much for listening remember you can get in touch with your stories and questions by emailing thebuckleys at platformmedia.uk or you can message us at thebuckleyspod on Instagram and TikTok and if you do enjoy the show leave us a little review a nice one a glowing review I didn't get many of those at school so it'd be nice to get them now all that is left is for Claire to say...

48:09See you next Thursday! Bye, guys! We're going to Chaftons! Chaftons!