New Ways to Annoy Clair

4:08Clair Buckley:Noel Gallagher said that joke in an interview. After me. And Claire was like, I told you that ages ago.

4:14James Buckley:No, because I tell you what, we said it on the old podcast. On the old podcast.

4:17Clair Buckley:Yeah. Is that right? Yeah.

4:18James Buckley:Yeah, I know you're watching, no.

4:20Clair Buckley:We went for dinner during the week. We did, yeah. With our friends.

4:25James Buckley:Yeah.

4:25Clair Buckley:It was nice. It was all right.

4:27James Buckley:It was. I know. Okay, okay. I'm going to be honest with you, James. There's a little insight. I had no idea what you were talking about there.

4:34Clair Buckley:Yeah.

4:35James Buckley:And I tried to nod along, but I've remembered the dinner. I've remembered now.

4:38Clair Buckley:Yeah, yeah.

4:38James Buckley:It was a whole big... Why can't we just do something normal?

4:41Clair Buckley:Sometimes you just want to slip in and slip out.

4:43James Buckley:I swear to God, every time we come in here, something's happened.

4:47Clair Buckley:There's nothing wrong with that. That would be fine.

4:49James Buckley:That would be fine.

4:50Clair Buckley:That would be fine.

4:50James Buckley:That's my favourite. Slip in, slip it.

4:52Clair Buckley:Yeah, exactly. That's the way I like it. We were having dinner with our friends, went to a restaurant. Yeah. A couple of people had birthdays going on in the restaurant. Yeah. And they kept like ringing a bell. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Happy birthday. Like coming along, doing a big happy birthday thing. And I literally turned to you and went, oh God, I can't think of anything worse. I'd hate that.

5:13James Buckley:We're not those kind of people.

5:15Clair Buckley:I'd hate that to happen to me. And our friends aren't those kind of people. No, that's not our thing. Anyway, it's not our birthday, so we don't have to worry about it, do we? Don't us worry about it.

5:23James Buckley:Of course we don't.

5:24Clair Buckley:About 20 minutes later, ding, ding, ding, ding. Happy. They start walking towards us with a little fucking cake and I'm going to you, is this a wind-up? Are you winding me up? I was like, no. They put it down in front of me. Put it down in front of you. They were walking towards us and all four of us were shaking our heads going, no, no, not us.

5:40James Buckley:Because we thought, oh, it's for somebody else and we were thinking they'd made a mistake with the table.

5:46Clair Buckley:And you went, it must be them next to us. It's not like it's not our birthday. It's no one's birthday here. No one asked for this. What is going on?

5:54James Buckley:And then silence.

5:55Clair Buckley:And then they were like, oh.

5:56James Buckley:And of course, the whole restaurant's looking at you.

5:58Clair Buckley:Yeah, everyone's looking at you. And they went, oh, oh, right. I saw it. And then they moved to the next table. And the next table went, no, it's not us.

6:05James Buckley:They come back to us. Yeah. And they were like, to me, they were like, it's not your birthday. And I was like, no. Yeah. And they were like, you didn't book for a birthday. And we were like, no. They were a bit like, oh, okay. As if it was our fault.

6:20Clair Buckley:Yeah.

6:21James Buckley:The only thing we can think of is that we did go to that restaurant once for my birthday. But that can't just stay on your booking, surely.

6:31Clair Buckley:Yeah, anytime you go to that restaurant there, they're going to wish you a happy birthday.

6:35James Buckley:Yeah, I know. It was so weird.

6:37Clair Buckley:It was really odd.

6:38James Buckley:It was very embarrassing. In hindsight, it would have been easier just to take the cake and say thank you. But what we were worried about was that if I had taken that cake and been like, thank you, somebody for the next day would have been like, she fucking took her cake. So in hindsight, it would have been easier. But you would never have done that. I thought they were making a mistake.

6:58Clair Buckley:I feel like they could have gone, oh, sorry, sorry. Our fault. They were just a bit like, what do you mean?

7:05James Buckley:Yeah. Like standing there, they were like, what?

7:08Clair Buckley:I don't know what to tell you. None of us are having a birthday. What? It must be someone's birthday here because we've got the cake, we're singing the song, so are you definitely sure it's not your birthday? No, I'd know. I would know. It was like, right.

7:24James Buckley:Yeah, it was really awkward.

7:26Clair Buckley:They could have just been a bit like, oh, there's been a mistake somewhere. Yeah. And also, I know definitely I haven't made a mistake.

7:32James Buckley:No.

7:32Clair Buckley:I know it's not either mine or yours or anyone's birthday here and I know that I didn't ask for the birthday treatment. I know all this.

7:42James Buckley:Yeah. Why does stuff like that happen to us?

7:45Clair Buckley:A very happy young birthday to you. If I'm not getting cakes and bells rung in my face,

7:52James Buckley:I'm falling over. You've always got a bell in your face. We've got to stop going to restaurants.

7:59Clair Buckley:Got to stop leaving the house. It's too risky. What is it, James?

8:03James Buckley:What is it out there?

8:04Clair Buckley:Crazy out there.

8:05James Buckley:What do you say? You say it all the time. What do I always say?

8:08Clair Buckley:What do I always say?

8:10James Buckley:It's a minefield, Claire.

8:11Clair Buckley:Oh, it is. It is a minefield. It's a social minefield.

8:14James Buckley:I can't believe you didn't remember that.

8:16Clair Buckley:I'm always stepping on those mines.

8:18James Buckley:Oh, okay.

8:19Clair Buckley:Anyway, Claire, I wanted to just bring up something that we were having a little chat about during the week. And I wanted to ask our dear listener to join in on the discussion. I wanted to know, what are your white whales? What are the little things in your life that you have become too obsessed with? It's now sort of getting in the way of work and family. and things like that. And they're stupid things. You had to explain this to me, didn't you?

8:47James Buckley:Yeah, because you were the only person in the world

8:49Clair Buckley:that didn't know about Moby Dick. I've never read Moby Dick.

8:52James Buckley:No, I knew about it. I just got confused.

8:55Clair Buckley:I was like, you're a white whale. You went, what does white whale mean?

8:58James Buckley:No.

8:58Clair Buckley:I went, you know, Moby Dick. And you went, right. I was like, you know about Moby Dick? And you were like, he gets eaten by the whale.

9:04James Buckley:No, I said Jonah.

9:06Clair Buckley:You went Jonah. I went, no, I think that's a Bible thing.

9:08James Buckley:I got confused on the whale stories.

9:10Clair Buckley:I've not read one word of Moby Dick, but I know about Ahab and his obsession with this white whale. Right, I didn't know that. That ultimately, ironically, I think eventually leads to his demise. And the whole point is to let things go. I think that's a part of our consciousness of human beings, that we get the reference white whale. I didn't get it.

9:36James Buckley:I get the reference white bear.

9:38Clair Buckley:What's that?

9:38James Buckley:You never heard of the white bear?

9:40Clair Buckley:Is that Mandela effect or something?

9:42James Buckley:No, that's if somebody says don't think of a white bear, all you can think about is a white bear.

9:48Clair Buckley:That's from 222, a ghost story.

9:50James Buckley:Has I ever heard that? Yeah.

9:53Clair Buckley:That's from the play that I did. Is it? If someone says to you don't think of a white bear, now all you can think about is white bears.

9:59James Buckley:Yeah, it's like a psychology thing. I don't know, James, you do a lot of stuff and you talk about a lot of stuff, all right? Yeah, maybe you should start listening.

10:08Clair Buckley:You might learn something, all right? Christ, we've got a lot of knowledge going on up in here.

10:14James Buckley:Up in here.

10:15Clair Buckley:Also, knowing vaguely the phrase white whale... I'd never heard that. ..is not something to be proud of.

10:21James Buckley:I didn't know what that meant.

10:23Clair Buckley:How can you be a human being in this day and age? OK. You've not heard of white whale? Guy's saying no. You know the saying, white whale. Ha-ha! I'm surrounded. Nobody knows. No, no, no, don't laugh. I'm surrounded by idiots. No, you're not.

10:39James Buckley:No, you just, you have these things. Okay, let's open this up.

10:43Clair Buckley:Jesus Christ, you guys are like in charge of stuff. And like I rely on you for things. Anyway.

10:50James Buckley:Anyway, you did explain it to me. What did you explain to me my white whale was?

10:53Clair Buckley:Your white whale, ours are similar at the moment. Yours is the Buckley's Facebook page.

10:59James Buckley:Because you brought, that's how we started talking about this.

11:02Clair Buckley:You went, that fucking Facebook page is still going.

11:04James Buckley:Yeah, yeah, yeah. The posts are getting worse.

11:06Clair Buckley:You went, they've just put a picture of us, one of our wedding day photos

11:10James Buckley:and it says,

11:11Clair Buckley:life is sweat. You're going, they haven't even fucking spelt sweet right. How do we get rid of this thing? Why is this still a thing going, like, why are they pretending to be us?

11:22James Buckley:And I just want to reiterate again, please God, for anybody listening, I know that people who listen to the podcast interact with us, Facebook page, because I see you there in the comments going, this is weird, why do you keep posting pictures of yourself? It's not us.

11:36Clair Buckley:Yeah. Can you, if you're a listener,

11:37James Buckley:I've seen a couple of people saying it's not them. I heard Claire talking about it.

11:40Clair Buckley:Make more of a point.

11:41James Buckley:Yeah, please.

11:42Clair Buckley:Really make so much of a point. Just keep going, this isn't them. By the way, guys, this isn't them. Comment constantly.

11:49James Buckley:And.

11:49Clair Buckley:Report them, report them.

11:51James Buckley:And on the same Facebook page. Report them. They keep posting videos of this, right? And obviously they're not able to edit it properly. So the camera keeps going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And people are slagging news right off. They're saying the production team, the camera work, Like, this is terrible. So, you know, it's not us. It's not us.

12:11Clair Buckley:It's not us. And the same for me with Jame Buckstagram. He's your white whale. He's my white whale on TikTok. Jame Buckstagram isn't me still to this day putting out videos. Still putting out videos. I've stopped making social media videos. I haven't clipped up anything or done anything for a while on my Instagram stuff. This person is just reusing all the old stuff, editing slightly different. Jane Buxtagram, can you all please report? Can you all please go and comment? Make loads of comments because they obviously delete the comments. Really badger this person. No, my point is if you want to post stuff that I've done, fill your fucking boots, couldn't give a shit.

12:55Clair Buckley:Don't pretend to be us. That's where it does become a problem because I don't know what you're going to say next. I don't know what you're going to rah, rah, rah about. And then all of a sudden, James Buckley said this, that and the other. I can't be doing with that in my life. Don't need it.

13:11James Buckley:Can't be doing with it, mate.

13:13Clair Buckley:So please, Jane Buckstagram, please, just make it a James Buckley or the Buckleys, just say the Buckleys fan page and then you can do whatever you want. And when people comment, don't reply to them as if you're me, you fucking weirdo. All right? so either stop doing that or get yourself a girlfriend right that's not my moan that's not my moan you shouldn't get a girlfriend

13:39James Buckley:because life is sweat with a girlfriend

13:41Clair Buckley:life is sweat anyway what's your white whales if you indeed know what that phrase means which you should do if you've got something in your life that's taking too much of your brain space up yeah you should maybe be concentrating on your kids things like that but you can't help thinking this fucking thing I need to get

13:58James Buckley:Yeah, I get like that with crimes, like crime stories that I've read. Oh, okay, sorry. Unsolved murders. No, not that I...

14:06Clair Buckley:All the crimes that you do.

14:07James Buckley:That I want to commit. No, like unsolved murders. Sometimes I'm like lying in bed and I'm like...

14:12Clair Buckley:Who was it?

14:13James Buckley:It's got to have been him. Yeah. Because he was the only one there. But could he make it back in that time frame? He must have been driving, but they said he didn't drive.

14:21Clair Buckley:Yeah. Anyway, you can email us, thebuckleys at platformmedia.uk or can message us at thebuckleyspod on Instagram and TikTok. at the Buckley's pod. That's our actual TikTok handle. Anyway, moan.

14:33James Buckley:Go for it.

14:34Clair Buckley:That wasn't my moan. That wasn't even supposed to be a moan. Just got a bit angry.

14:38James Buckley:That's what we're doing, mate. I don't have a moan this week. What, you brought it up for then?

14:43Clair Buckley:I don't have a moan this week, but I do have something else that I want to talk about.

14:47James Buckley:Okay.

14:47Clair Buckley:It's in the vein of moaning. It's making you moan.

14:50James Buckley:Me?

14:50Clair Buckley:Yeah. Now, I've recently come up with a couple of little ways, and they're brilliant. They're absolutely brilliant. They're very easy to do, but they are genius. And you do get a really good response. Just ways of annoying you. I've hit on a couple within the last week or so. It's been a goldmine. First of all...

15:08James Buckley:I don't even know. This is my life. I don't even... I can't even think.

15:12Clair Buckley:First of all, singing the odd words of songs, but leaving the rest of the lyrics out. It was driving Claire mental. I was walking around...

15:22James Buckley:You're not going to appreciate it until he does it.

15:24Clair Buckley:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was walking around the house and I was just going, Bye!

15:31Clair Buckley:American Chevy Levy Levy Dry Boys Whiskey Rye Day Die I knew it was annoying you and I knew you were trying not to say anything.

15:50James Buckley:I do try guys, I do try.

15:52Clair Buckley:So all I did was I kept doing it over and over again and you just went stop doing that. Another one is saying famous quotes or sayings slightly wrong. I watched a video on Instagram. It was like a football commentator type person. And he said, and I'm sure this isn't that bad, but it annoyed me a little bit. He said, you know, if it's not broke, why fix it? I was like, that's not the saying. It just, it niggled me that.

16:19James Buckley:Yeah, that doesn't bother me. Which is, well, which is why. You found the witty annoying me again.

16:25Clair Buckley:Yeah, yeah, you know this. You were knocking on the door. You'd left your keys. You'd gone out. I said to... It was either Harrison or Jude. I can't remember.

16:31James Buckley:One of those two.

16:32Clair Buckley:I went, here, watch this. I bet mum gets wound up by this straight away. I opened the door and I said, you cannot pass. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

16:43James Buckley:You did.

16:44Clair Buckley:And you went, that's not how it goes.

16:47James Buckley:Yeah. Yeah, but that's Lord of the Rings. Don't fuck with Lord of the Rings. And I did react how you wanted. Yeah. And the boys just started laughing. So then straight away I knew you did it on purpose. You went, did he say I was going to... Yeah, yeah, whatever.

17:00Clair Buckley:And it reminds me of the time, my mate, you know Shalhoub.

17:03James Buckley:Yeah.

17:03Clair Buckley:I don't know what it was. He had to wear a tuxedo for something.

17:06James Buckley:A tuxedo?

17:07Clair Buckley:A tuxedo.

17:08James Buckley:Right.

17:09Clair Buckley:A tuxedo, right? Right. I can't remember why he was wearing a tuxedo. But he walked into the room and me and Muller were there. And he went, the name's James. James Bond. and I went, what?

17:23James Buckley:No! That took me a second to come get that. I went, what are you talking about?

17:28Clair Buckley:I was so, like, it made me feel sick. I still get queasy. He walks into the room, he had like a bow tie and he went, the name's James, James Bond.

17:38James Buckley:That's good. I was like, oh, no.

17:40Clair Buckley:That's good.

17:41James Buckley:I take it it wasn't ironically. No! Oh, okay. No, it wasn't.

17:45Clair Buckley:There was no irony there at all.

17:47James Buckley:But isn't he the same guy at the cinema when you went to see 8 Mile?

17:50Clair Buckley:Yeah. Yeah, we went to the 8 Mile together.

17:56Clair Buckley:And when it got to, like, the last rap battle, whatever it was, I've only ever seen 8 Mile once at the cinema. Oh, I loved it. There's the rap battle, isn't it? And Eminem switches it. That's his whole thing at the end. He says all the stuff that's bad about him, so he can't give the other guy any ammunition.

18:12James Buckley:I'm from a trailer park. I'm white trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

18:15Clair Buckley:So what are you going to say now? Or whatever he says. Yeah. And then everyone...

18:18James Buckley:I think that is what he says. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to say now?

18:22Clair Buckley:Oi, you dickhead. You're a bit of a knob. People start going, choke, choke, choke. In the movie. And my mate, Jack, went, choke.

18:34James Buckley:In the cinema. Choke. And did he not commit? It was like a little squeak.

18:42Clair Buckley:Like a little, choke. Here's another weird thing that I haven't thought about. I used to go to the cinema quite a lot.

18:48James Buckley:You did, yeah.

18:49Clair Buckley:At least like once, maybe two or three times a month as a kid, because there's not much to do, is there?

18:53James Buckley:Yeah, yeah.

18:54Clair Buckley:Especially when we were kids.

18:55James Buckley:Yeah.

18:56Clair Buckley:And we've already banged on about, when was it, last episode, how grey everything is these days. You need to find stuff to do indoors.

19:02James Buckley:Cinema's good in the winter.

19:03Clair Buckley:Yeah, so we used to go to cinema a lot as a kid. And it's something that me and my mates still talk about to this day. I think we weren't to see Lord of the Rings. Two blokes were sat next to each other, and we're watching this film. One bloke says to the other, He's got the same shaped head as my dad. And the other one went, oh yeah, yeah, no, he does. The fuck does that mean?

19:28James Buckley:No. That can't have really happened. Nobody says that.

19:33Clair Buckley:And it wasn't an orc or a tree or something. I was going to say. No, no, it was just like...

19:36James Buckley:I thought, is it a joke? No, it just looked like a person on the screen. Wow.

19:43Clair Buckley:Everyone's roughly got the same shaped head, right?

19:46James Buckley:No, there's definitely different shapes, but I wouldn't be able to pick it up on a movie screen.

19:51Clair Buckley:No, but they're all roughly there or thereabouts, aren't they?

19:54James Buckley:I guess. Looking around the room now, they weren't bog standard, didn't they? Yeah. Unless there's been some kind of accident. This is quite long though, guy.

20:03Clair Buckley:Unless there's been an accident.

20:04James Buckley:Yeah.

20:05Clair Buckley:You know when like those people and you've got like half the brain...

20:08James Buckley:Dear David.

20:09Clair Buckley:Is that who that is? That's one for my little scary story people. I don't know what that means at all. What are we talking about?

20:17James Buckley:Cute.

20:18Clair Buckley:You went on to Shaloo about the tuxedo.

20:21James Buckley:Yeah. Where did that come from?

20:23Clair Buckley:It came from us talking about getting saying slightly wrong.

20:26James Buckley:That's it, yeah. So, yeah.

20:28Clair Buckley:I've not had anything to moan about. I've just been finding very simple, very effective ways of getting you to whinge and moan. And it is very simple. I'm not a whinger. No, you don't whinge. No, no. No, you're... No.

20:44James Buckley:You're a whinger. You moan.

20:45Clair Buckley:But there's just little sort of, I'm like a sort of annoying ninja. You know how you get those sort of martial arts people that can like, I don't know, grab you by your pinky and you're just like, you're just dead. And they just don't hardly move or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm like.

21:03James Buckley:Yeah. So you've got too much time on your hands and I've not got enough patience.

21:08Clair Buckley:Yeah, maybe. You cannot pass. You cannot pass.

21:13James Buckley:Oh, no. Yeah, I was angry about that. I was like...

21:16Clair Buckley:You straight away, you bit straight away. Yeah. I was just reeling you in, baby.

21:22James Buckley:Do you know what? I hate that. That's on Instagram all the time. When somebody says a fucking horrible comment and then you say something back and they're like, uh, got you. And it's like, no, you didn't. Don't say that now because I've told you to go and fuck yourself. Who are you telling me? No, not me.

21:42Clair Buckley:This episode is brought to you by Deliveroo. Claire, family life is hectic.

21:46James Buckley:It is.

21:47Clair Buckley:There's nothing we can do about that.

21:48James Buckley:No.

21:48Clair Buckley:Especially with two boys. They're never not hungry.

21:51James Buckley:Never full. Neither are you, though.

21:53Clair Buckley:I'm just greedy. The boys have an excuse. They're growing.

21:55James Buckley:They are, yeah.

21:56Clair Buckley:Well, Claire, when you're a parent, you deal with stuff like that all day long. So sometimes sorting dinner can feel like a stretch, which is why Deliveroo have come up with family dinneroo.

22:07James Buckley:Yep, it lets you feed the whole family for£25 or less with meals the whole family will love, like Itzu for a taste of Japan or Prezzo Italian for fresh Mediterranean flavours.

22:18Clair Buckley:Oh, molto bella. It's available Monday to Thursdays from 4.30 to 6.30pm and you can schedule up to five days in advance. So you can get ahead of the week and tick dinner off the list. Head to the Deliveroo app to see what you could order.

22:31James Buckley:Selected restaurants, restaurants and dishes subject to availability, geographical restrictions and terms apply. Prices excludes fees. See deliveroo.co.uk for details. Study and play. Come together on a Windows 11 PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds.

22:51Clair Buckley:Get the Unreal College Deal. Everything you need to study and play with select Windows 11 PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft 365 Premium and a year of Xbox Game Pass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller. Learn more at windows.com slash student offer. While supplies last, ends June 30th. Terms at aka.ms slash college PC.

23:11James Buckley:legally we can't say drinking storm makes you smarter and more focused but with zero sugar 200 milligrams of caffeine and immunity support you're smarter and more focused for drinking storm storm good energy in good energy out energy for life hey claire yeah can i talk to you about

23:30Clair Buckley:my instagram algorithm ever so quickly sure just a quick one movie clips i get lots of movie clips they're always good aren't they they always make the movie look much better than what they are I know there's this Australian TV show I can't remember what it's called Home and Away no no no it looks really really good it's about a guy who's a bit of a dodgy character but he's like proper fucking cool Chopper no but it's along that sort of thing great movie anyway that's nothing to do with what I'm talking about

23:59James Buckley:but on that I'll see that on my Instagram and I'll screenshot all these movies and I never end up

24:05Clair Buckley:I go into the comments because usually the first comment is, what's this called? What's the name?

24:09James Buckley:Yeah.

24:09Clair Buckley:And then nine times out of ten, it'll be like, it's called this, don't bother.

24:14James Buckley:Yeah.

24:14Clair Buckley:And you go, oh, I'll wait.

24:15James Buckley:They've made this look really good. Yeah, yeah, I'll wait.

24:17Clair Buckley:There's another one that keeps coming up. I think it's called The Dome or something like that. It's a TV show. It ran for three series. I looked it up on IMDb and everything. And the IMDb reviews are like, yeah, it's all right. But the clips I've had of it, and it sounds brilliant, it's these people and all of a sudden, a big invisible dome goes over like a whole fucking town and you can't see it. And when it arrives, like cars are just like smashing into it and stuff like that.

24:46James Buckley:No.

24:47Clair Buckley:What?

24:47James Buckley:Okay, I know what you're talking about.

24:49Clair Buckley:What?

24:49James Buckley:That's not real.

24:51Clair Buckley:What do you mean?

24:51James Buckley:That wasn't real.

24:52Clair Buckley:What do you mean it's not real?

24:53James Buckley:Was it in the 1950s?

24:54Clair Buckley:No, no, it's a TV show. I know it's not real.

24:58James Buckley:Oh.

24:59Clair Buckley:I know the difference between television and...

25:01James Buckley:Oh, I thought you meant... I thought you meant...

25:03Clair Buckley:You know what they did in the Simpsons movie?

25:05James Buckley:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

25:07Clair Buckley:Someone's watched that and gone, what if that happened for real?

25:10James Buckley:Oh, so it's like a drama? Yeah. Right, sorry. There's like three seasons of it. No, no, no, because there is a thing, look that up, the 1950s, where they covered a town and a dome. That's real, but it's not real, but it's an interesting story.

25:22Clair Buckley:All right. But I had a little clip from the movie Titanic.

25:26James Buckley:Okay. I haven't seen that film for nearly 30 years. Right.

25:30Clair Buckley:I went to the cinema to watch that. There's this clip, right?

25:32James Buckley:You haven't watched it since the cinema.

25:35Clair Buckley:So long.

25:36James Buckley:It's a good film.

25:37Clair Buckley:I didn't think it was a bad film.

25:38James Buckley:No, I like it.

25:39Clair Buckley:But don't need to watch it again. I knew what was going to happen anyway.

25:42James Buckley:It took me by surprise. I was like, the fucking hell, it fucking sank.

25:46Clair Buckley:Jesus Christ.

25:48James Buckley:No, I knew that.

25:49Clair Buckley:It's a clip of this of the film Titanic.

25:50James Buckley:I said, Jesus, I've seen the iceberg.

25:53Clair Buckley:It's a clip of this film Titanic. Some boat staff people, they're handing out life jackets and the guy goes, Mr. Guggenheim, you'll need this. And he replies, no, thank you. We are dressed in our best and are prepared to go down with the ship as gentlemen. But we would like a brandy. Right? He says that.

26:10James Buckley:Right.

26:10Clair Buckley:And he's like, cut to, he's got like top hat and tails on holding a brandy and there's fucking water coming in, smashing into the grand staircase and stuff. And they're just stoically.

26:20James Buckley:Just going down.

26:22Clair Buckley:And then I just started thinking, right? Why were people in the past just so all right with dying? They just didn't give a fuck, did they? They were just so all right with it. I don't know if that's just a... I think that's a movie thing. A misconception.

26:36James Buckley:I think it's a movie thing.

26:37Clair Buckley:But it's always just sort of... No, but you read about... I mean, you won't know, will you? If I mention Captain Scott... Thunderbirds? No. That's Scott Tracy.

26:48James Buckley:Oh. Yeah, but he is a captain, though, isn't he?

26:50Clair Buckley:I don't know about that. No, just when they try to go to the Antarctic and it's like... And they're all fucking dying.

26:56James Buckley:No, I know that, yeah.

26:56Clair Buckley:And the bloke goes, I'm going out. I may be a while. I may be some time.

27:00James Buckley:I'll be right back.

27:01Clair Buckley:No, he doesn't say I'll be right back.

27:02James Buckley:Well, you should never say that.

27:03Clair Buckley:He leaves the tent knowing that he's going out into the tundra to die.

27:07James Buckley:Right, okay.

27:08Clair Buckley:And it's just, you just hear about all these stories of people from the past just being like, well, I could run around or panic right now, but I'd look like an idiot, so I'd rather just stand here with the brandy and just... Do you know what I mean?

27:18James Buckley:Yeah.

27:18Clair Buckley:I don't want to look foolish.

27:20James Buckley:Hey, listen, I'll stand with that at lake.

27:21Clair Buckley:I don't want my mates to have to watch me starve to death. I'll just step outside and I'll freeze.

27:26James Buckley:Yeah.

27:27Clair Buckley:I won't be a burden or anything. No, I'll be all right. She's a bunch of scratch.

27:33James Buckley:Obviously, there's something you like about that. It's very... What's the word you used? Stoic. Yeah, there is something about that. But on the Titanic, they did women and children first, right? And then what happened to Billy Zane's character? He did look all right. Twat.

27:48Clair Buckley:Why, what did he do?

27:48James Buckley:Because he tried to get on. He tried to get on. He tried to get on the boats with the women and the children. Yeah. I would rather you hung back and was like, Listen, if it's the last time I see you, I'd rather you went down heroically than put on a dress and tried to jump in.

28:03Clair Buckley:I know, man. I know you would. No, I wouldn't. Although, if it's a boat full of women... LAUGHTER You know, when the world gives you lemons, try and turn it into lemonade.

28:18James Buckley:What do you mean?

28:19Clair Buckley:I'm just saying, you know... Oh, you'd have a bit of fun? No, but the ship's going down. What are we going to do? A boat full of women. Things aren't too bad. No, the women are gone.

28:27James Buckley:The women and children have left. It's just you and all the guys.

28:31Clair Buckley:The bros.

28:32James Buckley:Yeah.

28:33Clair Buckley:It's stiff upper lip, isn't it? It's that sort of thing. Now listen, I don't think we've got any of that left as a society.

28:40James Buckley:No, we do. No, of course we don't. Yeah, those people, you just don't hear about them.

28:45Clair Buckley:I don't mind doing the right thing, but I'm up to a point. Don't get me wrong, if I'm on a boat and they go, we've only got room for your wife and your kids, I'd go, yeah, Yeah, go on then. You'd say it like that. Yeah. I said that to you when we were watching that film, the Quiet Place film.

29:00James Buckley:Yeah, that's right.

29:01Clair Buckley:And the kids make a noise and the dad has to go, hey, over here, so that the alien doesn't attack the kids. And I said, while we were watching it, I said, I'll be going, this is your fault, by the way. Those would be my last words.

29:15James Buckley:Harrison.

29:15Clair Buckley:I told you to be quiet. There's one rule in this whole film. Be quiet and you won't get eaten by the aliens. you're making a fucking racket now I've got to die because I can't let you die and that's what I'd be doing I'd be going go on you get in the boat no you're alright

29:33James Buckley:how do you feel about the women and children first are you all for that are you a bit like hey come on it's 2025

29:41Clair Buckley:I'd like to think I'm a traditional guy like I say I understand it and I'm for it and there's something noble about it but I wouldn't be happy with it I'd go along with it, but begrudgingly.

29:53James Buckley:Okay, let me ask you this. Your woman, me.

29:57Clair Buckley:What?

29:58James Buckley:Your woman, right? Me. Yeah, yeah.

30:00Clair Buckley:I thought you just said you're a woman.

30:01James Buckley:No, no. Your woman, which is me, and your children, Harrison and Jude, right? Obviously, you're saying you'd happily put us, well, you begrudgingly put us first, right? What about other women and children?

30:14Clair Buckley:I'd do the same.

30:15James Buckley:Would you?

30:16Clair Buckley:Yeah.

30:16James Buckley:Would you?

30:17Clair Buckley:Yeah, because I... Would you? Yeah, no, you would. because you'd get to a point where you'd just be like, I wish I'd just gone down with that shit because you'd forever be known as the guy. It's like when George Costanza from Seinfeld and there's a fire at the kids' party. He shoves the old lady out of the way and jumps through the door. Fire, fire! He starts moving kids out of the way.

30:38James Buckley:Okay, now that's on like a Titanic sort of scene, right? Yeah. What about a quiet place sort of scene? Would you get eaten for somebody else's kid or would you be like, fuck, I don't have to do with me. Do you know what?

30:49Clair Buckley:That might be different because... I think that would be different. Because I've got to stay alive as much as possible because if I die, then one member of the team's gone.

30:57James Buckley:Yeah.

30:58Clair Buckley:And everyone's going to struggle a bit more.

31:00James Buckley:Yeah.

31:01Clair Buckley:I think in that situation, it might be a bit more, I mean, be quiet or die.

31:05James Buckley:Yeah.

31:06Clair Buckley:It's not fucking difficult. Yeah. Kids do find it hard though, don't they?

31:09James Buckley:I think we'd be really good. See, like the Buckleys as a family, us four, I think we'd be really good in a situation like that. I think, because our kids are very, I think we'd be like right

31:20Clair Buckley:no if the apocalypse happens we're ready yeah you were talking the other week about seeing next to the emergency exit yeah and both of you did shit hit the fan

31:31James Buckley:we were trying to get at the same time yeah yeah you did say that I did say that yeah you've improved drama already but you know it once

31:38Clair Buckley:I just do whatever I feel like it depends

31:41James Buckley:depends on the day yeah

31:43Clair Buckley:I don't know maybe just naturally something takes over you

31:46James Buckley:I think there is a natural instinct I think apart from your children, I don't think you would have that for me. I know you love me.

31:53Clair Buckley:Yeah.

31:53James Buckley:But I don't think that natural instinct kicks in unless it's your children. I think your children are the only ones that you can sacrifice for.

32:01Clair Buckley:I'm not just trying to be macho. I'm the least macho guy going. I'm the least masculine man ever.

32:07James Buckley:You're not the least masculine man ever.

32:09Clair Buckley:I would take a bullet. If I die and you live, that's fine. That's absolutely fine. That's not even... There's not even a moment of question there.

32:17James Buckley:All right.

32:17Clair Buckley:And honestly, I think that's normal. I don't think that's anything to be proud of.

32:21James Buckley:I don't know.

32:21Clair Buckley:I think that's just a bog standard.

32:23James Buckley:You'd take a bullet for me?

32:24Clair Buckley:Absolutely, of course I would.

32:26James Buckley:Would you take a bullet from me?

32:27Clair Buckley:It's just you bringing up Peggy again. Anyway, yes, I would take a bullet for you.

32:33James Buckley:Would you?

32:34Clair Buckley:Yeah. Great big stiff bullet.

32:37James Buckley:Am I expected to take a bullet for you?

32:39Clair Buckley:No, absolutely not. That's the opposite. Okay, good. That's the opposite of what I'm trying to do here.

32:44James Buckley:You're keeping me alive?

32:45Clair Buckley:Yeah.

32:46James Buckley:Okay.

32:46Clair Buckley:I've got one job. Keep you and the kids alive.

32:49James Buckley:Right. Okay. That's it.

32:50Clair Buckley:Do you have an Instagram algorithm thing?

32:52James Buckley:Yeah. Do you know what? A funny Instagram algorithm came up for me and I thought you would appreciate it. So it was, I can't remember the name of the page or whatever, but it was all these posts about shops, when people call their name of their shop.

33:10Clair Buckley:Something funny, something amusing. In relation to what they do.

33:13James Buckley:Yeah. Yes. It was like a slide-along thing and they had loads of posts and it was a combination of real shops. Yeah. There was some like cartoon ones. So there was one from Family Guy that it was a record, like a music record shop and it was called All Sales Are Vinyl.

33:31Clair Buckley:Right. And I was like, oh, that's great. We had a Chinese near ours called Walk and Roll.

33:35James Buckley:Walk and Roll. Yeah. There was a hairdresser's.

33:38Clair Buckley:Curl Up and Dry.

33:40James Buckley:Curl Up and Dry. Yeah. So I thought that that would be a really good one for the listeners to get in on because everybody's got like a couple of those little shops in their town.

33:48Clair Buckley:But send us pictures of them.

33:50James Buckley:If you've got a picture, yeah. Yeah, I want to see a picture of them. It would be better if it was local.

33:54Clair Buckley:Yeah. If it's on your high street. If you've got a local, because then it stops people just Googling. Googling, yeah, obviously. I want an actual sort of...

34:01James Buckley:Yeah.

34:01Clair Buckley:There was a salon on Heathway in Dagenham. I literally think it was called Hairport or something like that.

34:09James Buckley:Right. But I thought that, A, you would appreciate it. and I also thought it would be a good one to ask them

34:15Clair Buckley:I do like a pun so yeah shout out your best or worst pun named local businesses in your area and send them in if you can get a picture that would be great because usually the signs are quite good

34:28James Buckley:I just want to give one Lino Richie for flooring and then the tagline is hello is it me you're looking flooring beautiful Lino Richie for a flooring place I feel a bit sick Hello, is it me, your looking floor?

34:44Clair Buckley:Right, let me go and vomit and then we'll be back with a feature, Claire Okay

34:49James Buckley:Alright, you ready for a feature?

34:52Clair Buckley:What about regular features?

34:53James Buckley:A regular feature It is my favourite Petty Revenge Petty Revenge

34:59Clair Buckley:Petty Revenge Petty Revenge Petty Revenge Ooh, what a lovely little feeling Let's hear what the listeners are scheming Terrible, absolutely terrible. They couldn't even get like a sort of... Petty revenge.

35:16James Buckley:Petty revenge. Okay, we have had some petty... You don't have to highlight it. I was already reading it. That was so... Petty? Yeah. We've had some petty revenge stories come in, but first, a reminder... Why am I reading this bit? First a reminder to keep them coming By emailing thebutkleys at platformmedia.uk Or by messaging us at thebutkleyspod on Instagram and TikTok Okay, first one is from Gareth

35:50Clair Buckley:Gareth

35:51James Buckley:And he says, petty revenge on me Oh He says, hi both Just wanted to tell you about a petty revenge My psycho ex pulled on me once Okay, Gareth, I'm already not on your side because that is what you say. She's a die kill.

36:07Clair Buckley:Listen to what he's got to say.

36:09James Buckley:All right. We had a falling out, probably over me scratching my balls and sniffing them, if I'm honest. Sounds like a great girl. You happy with that? Nothing wrong with it. And later that night, she decided to fill my pillows with grass trimmings and pollen from the garden.

36:26Clair Buckley:Pollen's a good one.

36:27James Buckley:How do you collect pollen? Anyway, doesn't sound that bad, except I'm a terrible hay fever sufferer. Weak. My eyes swelled up, my nose exploded. I was sneezing for days. She told me about it months later when we split up, finishing the story with Rotten Hell. Love the pod. Gareth. Yeah, Gareth, you're... So what?

36:53Clair Buckley:A bloke scratches his balls.

36:55James Buckley:Oh, he said... And all of a sudden he's got to have a... He said, probably... He's got to be poisoned. He said, probably over me scratching my balls. He knows he's done worse. No, he's like... Tell the truth, Gareth. What did you do?

37:07Clair Buckley:Probably because I scratched my bollocks or whatever. Now I'm going to get poisoned. That's what's happened. Poisoned? Yeah, he's had a reaction to a chemical. She's poisoned him. Good. Nothing against women.

37:17James Buckley:Nothing against men.

37:18Clair Buckley:I had a mate once that split up with his girlfriend. She wrote him a message and said, don't fall on a spike.

37:25James Buckley:That's very specific.

37:26Clair Buckley:That's how she ended the message.

37:28James Buckley:Yeah. Do you ever wonder what I would say to you? What? Like if we were to have a big falling out and split up and like, do you ever wonder?

37:38Clair Buckley:You'd say something like, no, no, don't, don't go.

37:43James Buckley:Reading a message in between. He's too comfortable, isn't he? He thinks it's never got to happen.

37:48Clair Buckley:I was doing an impression of you.

37:50James Buckley:Oh, my God. That's what you'd do.

37:52Clair Buckley:You'd be like looking. Oh, I'm too comfortable. Yeah, you'd be like looking at your watch and you'd like be flicking the television and go, oh, no, please stay. Oh, no, don't. Don't break up. Don't break up with me. Oh, new housewives.

38:06James Buckley:Oh, I do love a housewife.

38:08Clair Buckley:No, we don't say mean things. We've never said mean things to each other. We've never said anything mean to each other. We haven't.

38:16James Buckley:No, not out loud. I've got loads of stuff in my head.

38:21Clair Buckley:Oh, come on.

38:22James Buckley:Oh, relax.

38:23Clair Buckley:We haven't, though. We've never... No, we don't get... We don't go low. We've never told each other to shut up. We've never once said that to each other.

38:32James Buckley:James, I tell you to shut the fuck up all the time.

38:33Clair Buckley:Oh, no, but not in a real way.

38:36James Buckley:Oh, not if we're really arguing.

38:38Clair Buckley:Yeah, we've never gone shut the fuck up, never told each other to fuck off or anything like that. We haven't.

38:44James Buckley:Are you sure I've not told you to fuck off? No, we just haven't. Are you sure and you're just not listening? No,

38:57James Buckley:we don't go low. But I tell you what, I don't go low with anybody.

39:00Clair Buckley:No.

39:01James Buckley:I'm not a low blow kind of person.

39:03Clair Buckley:That's what I'm saying. When you were like, what would we say if we split up? I just don't think it would be a dramatic thing. No, I think it would be fine. It's not exciting, is it?

39:11James Buckley:I'd be like, no, you take the kids. I'd be like, no, you take the kids.

39:15Clair Buckley:I reckon if we did have like a fiery bust up, it might like turn into something sexy.

39:21James Buckley:Okay, no, it wouldn't. It wouldn't.

39:25Clair Buckley:Okay, now, Claire. Okay, a final quick one from Kayleigh. Kayleigh! Her subject is gig tales and petty revenge. Hello, Buckleys. Went to a gig with my teenage daughter. Crowd was great, except for one woman. Nothing against them. The wine witch with the death breath. This is petty, isn't it? Giving her a name. She kept lurching backwards into us, hair in our faces, completely hammered. So I decided on some subtle revenge. Every time she leaned back, I sang off key into her ear loudly. A few people around us clocked what I was doing and joined in. She left early. I call that a win.

40:06James Buckley:Come on.

40:06Clair Buckley:Kayleigh, you need to get out more, love. Kayleigh. We've gone from Gareth getting poisoned by his girlfriend to you singing.

40:20James Buckley:Oh, Kayleigh.

40:21Clair Buckley:Kayleigh, come back. Listen, I don't want to put you off from your revenge journey, but come back to us.

40:28James Buckley:You could have done so much stuff there. It was effective, though. I mean, I would have went chewing gum in the hair. If somebody keeps putting their hair in my face or just...

40:39Clair Buckley:Stop doing that. That's not petty revenge, though, is it? That's just violence. That's what we don't want. That stops being petty revenge to just...

40:48James Buckley:Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chewing gum would have been petty revenge now.

40:50Clair Buckley:That would have been, yeah, that would have been pretty. That would have been fine.

40:53James Buckley:That was my first thought. Well, my first thought was cutting off, and then I thought, well, I probably don't have sizzles.

40:57Clair Buckley:I feel like chewing gum is a sort of societal taboo. I feel like it's a really awful thing to do to someone.

41:05James Buckley:In the hair? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

41:07Clair Buckley:Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

41:08James Buckley:But if you keep leaning back and flicking your hair in my face...

41:11Clair Buckley:I think most people go, oh, you've gone nuclear already.

41:15James Buckley:No. You've pressed the button with chewing gum. Really?

41:18Clair Buckley:Yeah, I just think it's one of those things, like, you can't... slap a baby or whatever.

41:22James Buckley:Well.

41:23Clair Buckley:That's annoying you while you're trying to have your meal. Do you know what I mean? I know where you're coming from there, sure. If there was a little toddler running around a restaurant and someone just finally stood up and went, stop it, just with the back of the hand, a whole restaurant would go, whoa. Yeah. They'd go, we know he was being annoying, but I feel like it'd be the same reaction where it'd be like, well, I know she was being a bit of a dickhead,

41:47James Buckley:but you're chewing gum in the hair. You think that's too much? Jesus. You give a gentle tap

41:53Clair Buckley:You've got to stop doing that Me? No, that's what you say Oh yeah, yeah, yeah

41:56James Buckley:You give a gentle You go, ho Hey, hey Come on

42:00Clair Buckley:Stop it now

42:01James Buckley:Relax yourself

42:01Clair Buckley:Even if you don't hit someone Deliberately putting gum in their hair Counts as unlawful physical contact In UK law, that's battery

42:11James Buckley:Now, this is why

42:12Clair Buckley:Any intentional or reckless touching of another person Without consent That's battery

42:18James Buckley:Imagine I get done for battery for putting chewing gum in somebody's hair. Okay, well, I mean, I wouldn't do that.

42:25Clair Buckley:It's part of the Criminal Justice Act of 1988.

42:27James Buckley:Wow. They take it very seriously, the gum in the hair.

42:31Clair Buckley:Now, Kayleigh, had you put gum in the hair, though, even though I personally feel that stepping across the line, that would have made your email much, much more entertaining. Should we leave it there on that bombshell? Yeah. That's it for this week's episode of The Buckleys. thank you very much for listening. Remember that you can get in touch with your stories and questions by emailing thebuckleys at platformmedia.uk or you can message us at thebuckleyspod on Instagram and TikTok. And don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever podcast app that you like to use. And if you do like the show, give us a review.

43:03Clair Buckley:It helps us out. All that is left is for Claire to say,

43:06James Buckley:see you next Thursday.

43:09Clair Buckley:Go to Chaftains.

43:17Clair Buckley:This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome.

43:19James Buckley:You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense?

43:35Clair Buckley:There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required, compatibility and availability varies 18+.

43:43James Buckley:Uncovered windows can make your home feel up to 20 degrees higher. Stay cool and save up to 45 % off custom window treatments during the 4th of July VIP access sale at blinds.com. From outdoor shades to room darkening blinds, finding the perfect fit is easy. Get free samples, expert design help, and professional measure and install services. Or DIY it with confidence and support every step of the way. Shop up to 45 % off site-wide right now during the 4th of July VIP access sale at blinds.com.

44:12Clair Buckley:To kids, summer isn't just time off. It's time building confidence and curiosity. But when school meals pause, millions of children lose the food they count on. Your support helps the Feeding America network nourish every child's potential. Give now at feedingamerica.org slash summerhungry.