Put This On My Gravestone

3:30James Buckley:then you go Claire I'm just trying to concentrate on something I'm sorry I'll talk to you in a minute

3:35Clair Buckley:yeah

3:36James Buckley:and I'm like well why are you talking out loud then?

3:40Clair Buckley:I talk out loud

3:41James Buckley:you do that to me all the time though

3:43Clair Buckley:I talk out loud and I do

3:44James Buckley:all the time and you did it on the train this morning yeah and it was some email you had and you went and your words were i need to sign oh yeah it was tax mate right and i was gone but this is all i heard oh shit so i'm like what like we've got children we've got a house we've got a dog what is everything all right what's happened oh if it

4:09Clair Buckley:was the children and the dog i would have got straight i would have said that straight away

4:13James Buckley:It takes you so long to reply to me. I had to focus on something. And then you snap at me.

4:20Clair Buckley:I didn't snap at you.

4:21James Buckley:You do. You do it all the time. No, I don't. In that specific situation, which happens all the time, you go, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to send an email.

4:31Clair Buckley:I do. I struggle with when important things come up, I need to, at that moment, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. This is why I don't, like... But you can also... I've got mates that are like, oh, are you going to text me back or whatever? Unless I do something in that moment. Okay. And to be fair, it was something that I hadn't done in the moment before.

4:51James Buckley:Okay, but I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, why doesn't he just...

4:55Clair Buckley:I have to sign a tax thing or I'll get a fine or something.

4:57James Buckley:Okay, you're doing it, right? But why don't you just go, oh, it's a tax thing? And then go back to it. You completely ignore me. Because if something... But you carry on going, oh, fuck. if something takes me out

5:11Clair Buckley:of what I'm thinking about and doing right there and then so then don't say it out loud I don't know I'm saying stuff out loud but well and also saying stuff out loud helps me focus on what I'm doing it's like a physical thing

5:25James Buckley:I just sit there and I'm like he's so fucking rude yeah and then you go sorry Claire I'm sorry I'm just trying to do something and then I'm like how is this my fault when somebody's sitting there I didn't do that this morning No, you didn't do that this morning, but you do do that to me.

5:42Clair Buckley:No, I do that when you go, I'm talking to you.

5:49James Buckley:First of all, I've never done that.

5:51Clair Buckley:I'll wait until you put your phone down, shall I? I'm like, well, I've just had this fucking thing land on my lap that's really important.

6:00James Buckley:Hold on a minute. That only happens when I'm mid telling you something and you pick up your phone and you start looking through and I'm like, oh okay are you done listening to what I was saying then?

6:11Clair Buckley:Only if it's something really important something that's about it's fucking it's life and death

6:18James Buckley:Anyway that was my mum because you annoyed me this morning and you do it all the time

6:21Clair Buckley:I don't go to an office or a building site or something I don't work 9 to 5 Oh shit Oh no So I'm going what? What is it? Tell me what it is and you just ignore me I'm actually technically still working It's like that saying I quit my 9 to 5 so I can work 24-7 I got that phone with me I'm always gettable you can get to me I'm never off the clock and I know it annoys you

6:51James Buckley:I don't give a fuck what you think well apparently it does it doesn't sound like

6:57Clair Buckley:I swear to God

6:59James Buckley:it doesn't sound like you don't give a fuck it sounds like something that's really riles you up And then I'm like, what's answering me?

7:07Clair Buckley:You're telling me that you don't care, but it sounds to me like...

7:09James Buckley:I'm going to punch you in the fucking jaw in a minute.

7:14Clair Buckley:But apart from that, you're good.

7:16James Buckley:Yeah, I'm fine. You're rude, though.

7:19Clair Buckley:Huh? I wasn't listening. I was looking at my iPad.

7:23James Buckley:My iPad.

7:26Clair Buckley:I also... I feel like this is the wrong time to bring this up because you're already angry with me. But might as well keep going, might as well. I annoyed you there during the week didn't I when you spoke again you've got to be

7:39James Buckley:so much male specific

7:40Clair Buckley:Claire spoke to me like we were on a building site together as if I'd like hidden one of her tools or something like that right she was just up by the sink

7:48James Buckley:hold on a minute you've got to explain what this is I will do

7:51Clair Buckley:I will get around to explain it

7:52James Buckley:fucking irritating we were in the kitchen

7:54Clair Buckley:Claire was by the sink as usual and and all I heard was I go fucking pointless, mate.

8:07Clair Buckley:Because someone in our house, it might be the boys, I don't know.

8:10James Buckley:It's not the boys, I know for a fact it's you.

8:12Clair Buckley:We've got two little bottles next to the sink. One of them is soap, which is on the left, right?

8:18James Buckley:The hand soap is closest to the tap. That's what I did.

8:22Clair Buckley:And then there's hand cream, hand lotion on the right. Someone, every now and again, keeps just sort of switching them over for a laugh or something.

8:32James Buckley:so every time I go to wash my horns it's lotion that comes out and then I have to rinse it off and then I move it back and it happened a few times and I was like one of these knobheads that I live with could be any three of you is doing that

8:45Clair Buckley:could be Cosmo but he physically can't do it but he would

8:49James Buckley:you were there once when it happened and I said to you is this you doing that and you started giggling like a wee fucking lassie so I knew it was you and then you've been doing it ever since and you were there the other day

9:02Clair Buckley:Sometimes it takes a little while.

9:04James Buckley:Yeah.

9:04Clair Buckley:Sometimes I do it and it's like, it could be like a good hour or so before you go and wash your hands again. But that was brilliant. All you did was just, like I just saw the back of you and you just went, fucking pointless, mate. Like I'd moved your drill or something on a building site.

9:24James Buckley:He keeps telling this story. You told it to our mates. I said, I don't even think I said it like that. You did,

9:29Clair Buckley:because that's why I loved it so much and that's what made me you were like Claire sounded like

9:32James Buckley:some guy at a work set I was like what are you talking about

9:35Clair Buckley:I was laughing so much but yeah oh Claire where just to switch us

9:40James Buckley:stop saying my name all the time don't touch me Claire

9:44Clair Buckley:Claire just to switch into another gear what I've decided what I want on my gravestone

9:51James Buckley:hmm can I guess

9:53Clair Buckley:go on

9:55James Buckley:told you I was ill

9:56Clair Buckley:no that's Spike Milligan you always say that yeah it's the funniest fucking joke ever right

10:01James Buckley:it's absolutely brilliant and that would be great for you

10:03Clair Buckley:and that's my inspiration like I'm ever since I saw that I'm like oh man you'll never come up you'll never get anything as funny as that that is that is probably the most perfect joke on Spike Milligan's gravestone it just says I told you I was ill

10:17James Buckley:yeah right okay amazing

10:19Clair Buckley:on mine now there's still room for improvement and I think it's still a work in progress

10:25James Buckley:well you better hurry up because you don't have as much time as you think you do

10:27Clair Buckley:no okay well it's funny you should say that my wife did it probably justified

10:38James Buckley:no no

10:39Clair Buckley:I thought you'd be into that I thought you'd go yeah no that's good

10:42James Buckley:no because we've already listen if I was a lovely little wifey then fine but people think I'm a weird murder freak yeah so you can't you can't take those chances they'll start looking into me

10:54Clair Buckley:I thought you'd be like yeah yeah do that

10:57James Buckley:but what if I did do it yeah so But it's like a double bluff, isn't it? Yeah, it's too close. I don't know. Am I brave enough for that?

11:02Clair Buckley:It's like a double bluff.

11:05James Buckley:Okay. Wow, okay.

11:07Clair Buckley:I thought you'd be like, yeah, all right. Yeah, go for that one. Here lies James Buckley, 1987, 2026. Yeah, yeah. My wife did it, probably justified. I thought that was good. I don't know how I landed on that.

11:24James Buckley:Yeah, what are you doing upstairs?

11:26Clair Buckley:I'm thinking stuff. I was in the living room with you. This is when you're talking to me I'm going, hang on Claire, hang on a minute Just give me a second here Trying to think of what I want on my gravestone Okay

11:38James Buckley:Oh, that is justified though, isn't it? Yeah

11:42Clair Buckley:Right, no, I genuinely think We were watching a murder documentary Or something like that Where a wife had killed their husband or something Right, yeah And I think that gave me the idea Of what I want on my gravestone

11:54James Buckley:If you ever end up in a documentary You've not done it right

11:57Clair Buckley:I think someone's already done it though I bet someone's already done it which is why I wanted to mention it on the podcast so that I can unless someone has already done it obviously then fair enough but hands off

12:09James Buckley:oh okay, you're trademarking it yeah, yeah, I'm copywriting that have you seen the folk that do, I think it was an Irish guy who pre-recorded something and got one of his mates to put it in his coffin and as they were lowering it down, it was it was like knocking being like, I'm still alive. Get me here.

12:31Clair Buckley:That's funny.

12:31James Buckley:And one of his mates had to be there to go. It's his last joke.

12:35Clair Buckley:I would like to do a, like, you know, maybe by the time we've got grandkids or something like that, again, if I last that long. If you're watching this, it means I'm dead.

12:46James Buckley:Yeah, I would like to do one of them. I do want to do that. I do a video like that. I would like to do one of them. Yeah. To my darling wife, enjoy yourself.

12:55Clair Buckley:Go out, slag it about a bit. don't worry about me, I'm dead. I won't, you know.

13:01James Buckley:Oh, no, no.

13:03Clair Buckley:Enjoy. Get, you know, get someone good in bed.

13:08James Buckley:Oh, you're fine.

13:11Clair Buckley:I'll take that. Claire.

13:14James Buckley:What?

13:14Clair Buckley:Got some more stuff I want to talk to you about. Just really, Claire, Claire, just really quickly. Just really quickly. You know, I love movie tropes. Oh, yeah. Have we had any for a while? Have we had anyone come? Get in touch with your movie tropes. It's things that you've seen, those classic things that are in loads of movies that you'd love to do, you know, leaping off a building that's blowing up and grabbing onto a helicopter, that sort of thing. I've got a couple more that I've been thinking about. Okay. I would like to assemble a gun.

13:45James Buckley:Oh, like, yeah. It's the bottom one.

13:48Clair Buckley:Twist and lock the barrel.

13:51James Buckley:That's if there's a silencer on it.

13:53Clair Buckley:No, no, no. it's one of those I'm not sure what it is but movie terrorists use them this specific kind of gun that comes it happens in Die Hard the blonde bloke with the blonde the bloke the baddie with the blonde hair but he gets in the lift and as the doors are closing he pulls out like one half of a gun right and then he pulls out the barrel and he's like

14:15James Buckley:yeah

14:16Clair Buckley:and he's like ready to go see I like the bottom

14:17James Buckley:when it's just a handgun I like just pushing the thing in

14:20Clair Buckley:just tapping the bum

14:21James Buckley:yeah the butt Or checking the little hole in the side of it

14:27Clair Buckley:to see if it's loaded or something. I don't know. I also would like to go up behind someone and twist their neck to instantly break their spine. Yes. Just sneak up behind them and just go...

14:39James Buckley:Yeah. Let's do that. Have you ever seen those videos of people getting the chiropractor stuff and they do stuff like that? I'd be terrified I'd kill them.

14:48Clair Buckley:Oh, yeah.

14:49James Buckley:They'd crack their necks.

14:51Clair Buckley:Let me tell you something about chiropractors.

14:53James Buckley:Not doctors, I know. Carry on. He moans with that all the time.

14:57Clair Buckley:It's not recognised. It's not recognised medical science. It's not...

15:02James Buckley:It looks so good, though. I really want to go to one. It looks terrible.

15:05Clair Buckley:Right. I'm not sure how this one would work.

15:09James Buckley:Go on. Movie truck. Hit me.

15:12Clair Buckley:Going on a late night soul-searching walk with loads of neon signs floating past me. I don't know how that would be... In the ground's wet, so it reflects off the ground. It's got like a trench coat on and the collar's turned up and there's some jazz music playing.

15:28James Buckley:Yeah.

15:29Clair Buckley:Now, I don't know how to do that one, to be honest with you. But yeah, if you've got some movie tropes, get in touch. Grissom. Yeah, if you've got some movie tropes, get in touch. Thebuckleys at platformmedia.uk or message us on Instagram and TikTok, thebuckleyspod. Right, should we have a swipe?

15:48James Buckley:Yes.

15:50Clair Buckley:We're leaving today and entering a world of Mickey Mouse waving, princess meeting and greeting, lightsaber clashing, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror dropping, Banshee flying, Space Mountain launching, galaxy rewinding, what's the whole deck with galaxy rewinding, fireworks igniting, world of other worlds.

16:14James Buckley:for whatever you love.

16:15Clair Buckley:Infinite worlds await at the most magical place on earth. Walt Disney World Resort.

16:21James Buckley:When you want your spring break to feel like... And your kids' pool day to feel like... And your hotel bed to feel like... Ooh, and room service to feel like... Because at Hilton, hospitality feels like... Your cabana's ready. Would you like fresh towels? It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton, for this day.

17:14James Buckley:Right. Bad advice? You talking to me? Kayak. Got that right.

17:21Clair Buckley:Claire?

17:22James Buckley:What? I mean, yes, James.

17:26Clair Buckley:It's that time of year. It's our favourite time of year, isn't it? It's Valentine's Day. It's almost upon us. Where men everywhere are scrabbling around for a card at petrol stations.

17:38James Buckley:You're not.

17:39Clair Buckley:No. What's the point? Gastro pubs are fully booked up. blokes are digging out their best shoes and shirts are being ironed. I don't think they are. I don't think people genuinely... I think the people that are celebrating Valentine's Day they're trying to put some bandages over cracks. Is that a saying? Oh, I thought you were going to say they were trying to

18:06James Buckley:get that hole.

18:09Clair Buckley:Yeah, but do you know what I mean?

18:10James Buckley:Yeah.

18:11Clair Buckley:I think people that are doing the Valentine's thing...

18:13James Buckley:No! Oh, listen.

18:14Clair Buckley:They're either in a new relationship, that's fine. Yes, youngsters. Or you're young or whatever. Yeah. I think if there's people our age that have been together as long as us and they're still doing Valentine's Day.

18:24James Buckley:Has anybody been together as long as us? Yes.

18:26Clair Buckley:People have been together a lot much longer than us. Yeah.

18:31James Buckley:We were very young when we got together.

18:35Clair Buckley:Yeah.

18:36James Buckley:21, 22.

18:38Clair Buckley:I was 23. I don't know what point I'm trying to make.

18:42James Buckley:Yeah, so I was 21 or 22.

18:44Clair Buckley:Yeah, stop trying to make yourself sound like younger. You're 22, alright? You're not 21.

18:50James Buckley:Well, I'm seven months younger than you. Exactly. So I could have been 21. Don't you forget it. I could have been 21.

18:55Clair Buckley:No, because I was 23.

18:57James Buckley:Do you know that for a fact?

18:58Clair Buckley:Yes, I think so.

19:02James Buckley:Anyway, I'm just saying, I don't know if we're right about this. Listen, I know how we feel about Valentine's Day. No, I think it's... But I think some people, even if they have been together a long time, I think they still acknowledge it.

19:14Clair Buckley:No, I don't think they do.

19:15James Buckley:I think they do.

19:17Clair Buckley:I don't think so.

19:18James Buckley:I think there's a lot of... one half of a couple who maybe expects it.

19:25Clair Buckley:Hmm. Do you reckon?

19:26James Buckley:I'm not saying which half.

19:28Clair Buckley:Hmm.

19:28James Buckley:I'm just saying, I think some women like it to be acknowledged.

19:34Clair Buckley:Yeah, you don't know.

19:35James Buckley:No, I don't care. No.

19:37Clair Buckley:I felt like you were trying to make some point to me.

19:39James Buckley:Oh, God, no. No. Oh, I'd be mortified if you gave me like some...

19:43Clair Buckley:What would I get you for Valentine's Day? And also, it's fucking...

19:47James Buckley:I think you've got me something for Valentine's Day before.

19:50Clair Buckley:I'm sure I have, yeah.

19:51James Buckley:I think you have sent me flowers. Yeah, yeah. Or you have...

19:54Clair Buckley:Sometimes I feel like, oh, I better do something.

19:56James Buckley:I think you got me beers once. I think you got me a crate of Stella. Yeah, no, but that's what I always do.

19:59Clair Buckley:Just get you some Stella. But my problem is, the first quarter for me, it's fucking like, I don't know, it's difficult. What were you talking about? I've got Valentine's Day on the February there.

20:14James Buckley:Oh, right, right, right.

20:14Clair Buckley:A couple of weeks after that, it's your birthday. Then about a week after that, it's Mother's Day. I'm like, I can only buy so much beer for this woman.

20:23James Buckley:That's where you're wrong, babe.

20:24Clair Buckley:No, that's true. That is true.

20:27James Buckley:Now, my birthday falls on Mother's Day quite a lot. Yeah. Or, like, that weekend, it's always run about.

20:33Clair Buckley:A couple of days after your... In fact, let me check, actually, how many days I've got between your birthday and

20:44James Buckley:I'm so sorry to inconvenience you with my existence I appreciate that

20:50Clair Buckley:so your birthday is on the Tuesday and then that same week on the Sunday's Mother's Day, well good news for you oh let me guess

21:00James Buckley:we're at a Chieftain's game yeah, great

21:03Clair Buckley:that's where you were last Mother's Day as well

21:05James Buckley:Yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. And my birthday.

21:09Clair Buckley:Yes. No, it wasn't and your birthday.

21:11James Buckley:It was. I was there on my birthday and Mother's Day.

21:14Clair Buckley:No, no, no, because again, well, again, your birthday's on the Tuesday there.

21:18James Buckley:All right, so we won't be at the Chieftains game.

21:20Clair Buckley:So we'll be celebrating your birthday the weekend before your birthday. And yeah, the Chieftains are playing on the Sunday as well, that week as well. Great. I'd love that, though. My birthday's in the summer. I'd love to go and watch the ice hockey on my birthday. Okay. You're a lucky lady is what I'm trying to tell you

21:37James Buckley:Yeah, thanks

21:38Clair Buckley:But as it is approaching Valentine's Day Just wait for Claire to

21:42James Buckley:I'm listening

21:44Clair Buckley:We have a listener with a romantic story It's from Anonymous So it might be good The subject of this message is The night my dick declared independence Oh, did someone chop his dick off or something? Is that where this is going? The dick did a break After 14 years of faithful marriage and semi-hibernation, I stepped onto Tinder like a man reborn.

22:13James Buckley:Wait, did he get divorced first? I hope so. I hope so. Or did he just decide, fuck it?

22:20Clair Buckley:Bio Red, recently single.

22:22James Buckley:Right.

22:23Clair Buckley:Likes dogs, wine, long walks. Who likes long walks? Who the fuck? Who the fuck likes long walks And who thinks that a potential sexual partner Is going to be impressed with you Because you like long walks

22:35James Buckley:I don't like long walks

22:36Clair Buckley:Why is the long walk thing such a brag

22:38James Buckley:And I don't like wine either No So he's out for me

22:41Clair Buckley:Likes dogs, wine and long walks To the fridge Oh it was a joke It was a joke It was a joke, good

22:51James Buckley:Okay, alright

22:52Clair Buckley:I swiped right on a stunner Who turns out to be a masseuse Third date jackpot She invites me to her studio I mean come on What could go wrong We start on her massage table Things heat up Boils everywhere Until we tumble onto her sofa Like two idiots who'd never seen cushions before All good Till I yank too hard Yank what? I don't know Angle too sharp And there it is a squelch, then silence, then blood. Bright red, heroic.

23:34James Buckley:Who the fuck is this guy? Byron. Fucking hell.

23:38Clair Buckley:Bright red, heroic, misty. Everywhere. Half a pint minimum. On her, on the couch, on her spotless salon tiles, on the walls. 30 minutes later I'm perched in a pristine white chair, tails around my ankles trying not to faint she, buck naked armed with mop and bleach cleaning up the battlefield I left behind didn't even flinch thinking she is marriage material, thoughts

24:12James Buckley:what did he do? what the fuck happened? did his cock snap?

24:17Clair Buckley:he doesn't say he doesn't say have I missed a thing? I think the assumption is that maybe it was the, I don't know what the technical term is, but maybe the banjo string. The banjo string. The banjo, the old banj.

24:31James Buckley:Gone.

24:32Clair Buckley:Classic.

24:33James Buckley:Does that bleed?

24:35Clair Buckley:Oh, yeah, yeah. It goes, yeah. Yeah, I've been to my mate. It says, I'm now on a six to eight week self-imposed hibernation, hoping not to have a banana for a penis. That's a weird message, I'll be honest with you. That's a fucking weird one. Do you think there'll be a fourth date? what would you do?

24:54James Buckley:That would that would give me the ick Yeah? And not because of like the blood or whatever like a love or that Yeah But it would be it would be more like oh oh couldn't oh it snapped it couldn't handle it I'd be like come on mate

25:12Clair Buckley:You made me cut myself on our third date didn't you?

25:15James Buckley:I wear it

25:16Clair Buckley:I walked in I walked in and there was this star on the floor with all candles

25:22James Buckley:around and you were like you were wearing horns it sounds like you're a whip oh god no we tried

25:31Clair Buckley:that remember you hurt yourself yeah um you don't want you don't want you don't want a dick that's

25:38James Buckley:gonna snap you need it to be a bit you know you need to last a while yeah the first time you do it and it and it breaks yeah that's something you'd take back to the shop but i used this once and it fucking broke. Yeah. I want my money back.

25:52Clair Buckley:Well, mine's never broken.

25:54James Buckley:Never, babe. Never.

25:55Clair Buckley:Mine works too well, if anything.

26:02James Buckley:Again, it's fine.

26:03Clair Buckley:Hmm. No, but I'm just saying, I've not, like, got to the age where, like...

26:08James Buckley:Oh, no, yeah, no. It's always ready to go. Anyway, what is the worst thing that's happened to you on a date?

26:16Clair Buckley:I'm going back to when I was a teenager.

26:18James Buckley:Well, I'd hope so. we got together at 22? Yeah, yeah.

26:20Clair Buckley:No, but when I was, like, I think I was about 16 or something like that. I went out on a little date with a girl and then we were going out for a couple of months or whatever and it was the, I don't know, man. It was a bit too young to be like, do you want to come in for coffee? That sort of thing.

26:37James Buckley:Yeah.

26:39Clair Buckley:Do you know what I mean?

26:40James Buckley:Yeah. Maybe like a lemonade or something.

26:42Clair Buckley:So what would happen is there'd be like a sort of, at the end of the day, I would take her home and we'd stand outside her house and it'd be like a sort of half hour snog fest or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

26:54James Buckley:Snog fest!

26:55Clair Buckley:So I was like, I was snogging her and it was winter, I think. It was cold. All right, Byron. I was a bit sniffly. I was a bit sniffly. And then after I stopped snogging her, I looked at her face. She had a big bogey across her cheek.

27:19Clair Buckley:and I just I didn't say anything

27:21James Buckley:How did you know it was was it yours?

27:23Clair Buckley:Oh it definitely was yeah because I knew I was a bit sniffly Oh god It was where my big nose my big schnoz had been going across her cheek Oh no And that was it that was the last time I saw her I was so embarrassed I never really

27:40James Buckley:You didn't pursue it?

27:41Clair Buckley:No I didn't really go for another date Oh that is grim

27:45James Buckley:Yeah That's really grim Wow Oh it's made me feel a bit ill

27:51Clair Buckley:Yeah yeah it was gross It was really gross

27:53James Buckley:How did you not know How did you not feel it

27:57Clair Buckley:It must have just happened

27:59James Buckley:Right What about yourself I didn't really go on dates Nobody ever took me on a date There was never any boys That were like Do you want to go for do you want to go to the pictures or do you want to go for something to eat or like that just never happened i don't know maybe it was just me maybe i just didn't ever get asked it maybe i had like little boyfriends and stuff but it was just like what were you doing nothing i didn't i mean i i remember i only went on maybe like two dates before me and you got together. Like actual dates where it was like somebody had said should we go for dinner? I think that happened twice.

28:51James Buckley:Like people didn't, I don't know, the boys where I was for you was just like...

28:54Clair Buckley:But you'd had boyfriends before me.

28:56James Buckley:Yeah, but I never dated. It was always just like you would meet them out a few times and then you'd winch them enough and then eventually it was like, you want to be my bud? And I'd be like, yeah, alright. I never had a romantic date

29:09Clair Buckley:I must have seemed like some kind of fucking the most charming man on the planet

29:15James Buckley:nobody dated me that was it

29:18Clair Buckley:and it is comments are constantly and I keep saying this it is, oh how did he manage to pull her the bar was low I fucking struck while the iron was hot the bar was low she didn't know how good she was she didn't realise that she could have done much better than me she knows it now, she regrets it now sure furious now aren't you, so angry

29:43James Buckley:with your decisions

29:46Clair Buckley:but it was luck I just lucked, it was just the right moment the right time, I found lightning in a bottle an absolute worldie that thought compared to all the other people that she'd been with thought I was brilliant had she just dated a couple more people before she met me.

30:07James Buckley:They've asked me.

30:09Clair Buckley:Claire, we've got another little listener email here, not on the topic of Valentine's Day.

30:14James Buckley:Oh, OK.

30:15Clair Buckley:This is from Luke the Tram Boy.

30:17James Buckley:The guy who thought the blind thing?

30:20Clair Buckley:Yeah, yeah.

30:21James Buckley:Right, read it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:22Clair Buckley:A while ago, we had an email from Luke, who had an awkward interaction with a man holding a blind. Yeah. He's back with another mad story. so fasten your seatbelts it says here York is most definitely haunted hey guys in my third year of uni I moved into a huge seven bed house in the centre of York with seven of my best mates, one of them really believes in everything paranormal and spooky we had our usual ups and downs food going missing, people pinching a ton of beans here some Ben and Jerry's there, no one would ever own up to it, the girl who believes in the afterlife, we'll call her Mrs. Okora, had started a new job which had incredibly early starts.

31:11Clair Buckley:We're talking 5am. After a few weeks of her starting this job, she revealed to us all that most mornings she'd see a man wander through the living room and through the kitchen, then he'd vanish. Ooh, how spooky. We had a ghost. This kept happening to almost weekly for a few months. The house had shared a courtyard with next door and was blocked off by three doors that led to garages and a back alley. We didn't have keys for these doors, but one night we thought we'd try and break in. To our surprise, the middle door clicked open. We could go on our drunken adventure. We turned on our phones, torches and peeked inside.

31:49Clair Buckley:On the floor, laid out in front of our eyes, was a makeshift bed, tins of opened beans, bags of bread, Ben and Jerry's empty pots. All our food we've been arguing over We slammed that door shut And called the police Who confirmed Someone had been living in our garage Wow As everything calmed down We all sat in the living room Discussing what the fuck had just happened The silence fell And someone said Mrs Okora You know this ghost you see most mornings We think there's a small chance You've been watching a man steal from us every morning Wow Mrs. Okora said, oh my god I've been walking around in just my towel Because I just got used to the spirit being there

32:34James Buckley:Jesus

32:36Clair Buckley:Claire, I've got a question for you What? If you thought our house was haunted Would you just walk around naked And just be like, ah, it's just the ghost Or would you be like Even if there is a ghost Be like, I'm going to put some fucking clothes on

32:51James Buckley:If I saw a man On the regular and I thought it was a ghost, I think I would still cover up.

32:58Clair Buckley:Yeah, I would as well.

32:59James Buckley:You wouldn't want the ghost to see me. Yeah, exactly. You know, that's so weird, right? Because...

33:04Clair Buckley:I wouldn't be comfortable being naked around the dog.

33:08James Buckley:No.

33:10Clair Buckley:All right, imagine we're in the throes of passion.

33:13James Buckley:No, I wouldn't have sex in front of the dog. No, he would... You know what he's like?

33:18Clair Buckley:He's got a thing for me, hasn't he?

33:20James Buckley:No, but he just gets excited. He would just jump up and, like, think... he's fucking annoying you wouldn't be able to do anything like that in front of him he's just a baby, I'd never do that that's weird but

33:33Clair Buckley:no but if I thought there was a ghost in the house I'd be like I don't know, I'd just be extra cautious about like I'd maybe take my pants to the bathroom with me when I go for a shower and stuff

33:45James Buckley:here's my thing, here's what I took from that

33:47Clair Buckley:but then what's to stop him from coming in the shower

33:49James Buckley:right, here's what I took from that now I love that stuff, I love the the paranormal stuff I do believe in it all that sort of stuff right she was just seeing a guy yeah

34:00Clair Buckley:there was just a guy

34:02James Buckley:walking through the house

34:03Clair Buckley:but she was like you that loves all that stuff so she was like oh it's clearly a ghost

34:07James Buckley:but I think I'd be able to be like well that's a man in my house in front of me do you know what I mean I think see you can believe too much yeah I definitely wouldn't you know that's Harrison's biggest fear what somebody living in like the loft or something and come and do it at night. Have you ever seen those videos? Have you seen the video with a woman who lives in the guy's loft? It's like a New York apartment and he's got like this little

34:36Clair Buckley:Is that a Bryan Cranston film?

34:38James Buckley:No, no, no, no. He goes up to the garage. He's the husband. He disappears.

34:42Clair Buckley:Right.

34:43James Buckley:But no, this is like a thing this guy set up a camera because his stuff was gone missing and his sink would be like have dishes and stuff in it and he lived alone. So he set up a camera and he's got like this little cutout above his fridge in his kitchen and it's like crawl space. And he catches this woman coming up and she's like all dishevelled and dirty and stuff and she goes in his fridge and she like eats stuff and then puts it back and stuff. Yeah. She drinks out his milk carton and things and then she goes back up. That's scary, isn't it? That's terrifying. What?

35:21Clair Buckley:I'm going to have to check the loft when we get home tonight now. And the garage. Anyway, should we have a swipe, Claire?

35:31James Buckley:Yeah, sure. Claire.

35:34Clair Buckley:Yes. What's the perfect antidote to romance? Marriage. Revenge.

35:41James Buckley:Oh.

35:42Clair Buckley:It's time for Petty Revenge.

35:44James Buckley:Petty Revenge. Petty Revenge.

35:47Clair Buckley:Petty Revenge. Petty Revenge. Ooh, what a lovely little feeling Let's hear what the listeners are scheming So much So much Petty revenge We've had some petty revenge stories coming in Good, love it Keep yours coming in by emailing us Our email is thebuckleys at platformmedia.uk Or you can message us at thebuckleyspod on Instagram and TikTok These are all relationship related Good So think of this as a Valentine's special The first one Christ Oh There's a couple here From anonymous So they're still They still don't want to

36:26James Buckley:Oh come on Don't be ashamed No no no

36:28Clair Buckley:Because if Well we'll read it But if the revenge Is still ongoing Oh

36:33James Buckley:Okay okay okay

36:34Clair Buckley:They say Love the podcast My petty revenge My dad Cheated on my mum

36:42James Buckley:Oh no you didn't

36:43Clair Buckley:With this woman Messy story alone Then one time my dad lent me his TV stick, which was logged into all her accounts. So I went through her Netflix, Prime, Disney, everything, and skipped forward two and a half episodes on pretty much everything she was watching. Hopeless, but I hope they think they've both gone mad. Good.

37:12James Buckley:Hold on. So he was mad cheating? And he gave his son or daughter.

37:19Clair Buckley:Yeah. That sounds like a lady.

37:22James Buckley:What? That sounds like a woman who's done that.

37:26Clair Buckley:Yeah. I don't know why.

37:29James Buckley:Yeah, maybe it's quite clever, isn't it?

37:30Clair Buckley:Good petty revenge.

37:32James Buckley:I don't know what I'd do.

37:33Clair Buckley:Very small, but yeah, absolutely would annoy. Oh, yeah, that's really annoying.

37:39James Buckley:That's really annoying. It's a good one. It is a good one. I don't know what I'd do if I found out one of my parents were cheating.

37:46Clair Buckley:Here's another one.

37:46James Buckley:Go on.

37:47Clair Buckley:From Anonymous. Hi Buckleys. Wanted to share my petty revenge story, which I feel not one ounce of guilt about.

37:56James Buckley:Love it.

37:57Clair Buckley:I split up with my husband a couple of years ago after he lied, cheated and stole money from me. I moved into a new house.

38:05James Buckley:Kill him.

38:06Clair Buckley:And a few months ago found a bag which I must have brought from our old home. It was four of my ex-husband's beloved vintage football shirts. Oh, yes. Did I contact him and ask him to pick them up?

38:23James Buckley:Absolutely not.

38:23Clair Buckley:Or did I, in fact, contact an online buyer and sell them for 500 quid? I couldn't possibly say.

38:35Clair Buckley:But I will tell you, I had a lovely family holiday in the summer. No regrets and no guilt. Love you, bye.

38:42James Buckley:Good for you.

38:43Clair Buckley:Brilliant. Love it. And finally, Claire, we have a historical petty revenge story. Well, I mean, technically everything happened in the past, didn't it?

38:52James Buckley:Oh, my God.

38:55Clair Buckley:This took place in 1907.

39:00James Buckley:Well, who wrote it in? Amy.

39:03Clair Buckley:Amy, apparently. Hi, both. I saw a post on Facebook about Carbersdale Castle. In Cool Rain, Scotland. Also known as the Castle of Spite.

39:21Clair Buckley:Carbisdale's... We're going to get a load of comments going. It's not pronounced like that.

39:27James Buckley:Well, I've never heard it. I do apologise. Carbisdale.

39:31Clair Buckley:Carbisdale Castle's clock tower famously lacks a clock face on the side facing Sutherland. due to a bitter family feud involving the Duchess of Sutherland who built the castle. She supposedly said she wouldn't give the time of day to her estranged in-laws, directing the blank wall towards their estate and family train route as a final act of spite.

40:03James Buckley:Oh, is that where that scene comes from then? I wouldn't give a little time of day.

40:07Clair Buckley:No, it's got to be older than 1907. Really? But that is good. Wouldn't give them the time of day, so I'm removing the clock face.

40:15James Buckley:So I assume it was four faces. Yeah, it's like a sort of Big Ben deal going on. And she removed the one that faces them. Yeah. Love that. Brilliant. Love that.

40:23Clair Buckley:That's good. That's good pay for revenge. Yeah. Hey, Claire, I don't know about you, mate. Oh, yeah, no. But I want to stop doing this now. Yeah, absolutely. Whatever! No. Oh. No. that's it for this week's episode of the Buckleys thank you very much for listening don't forget we are on tour me and Claire are on tour go and buy some tickets for the love of God please and remember you can get in touch with your stories and questions by emailing the Buckleys

40:48James Buckley:for the love of God

40:49Clair Buckley:you can email the Buckleys at platformmedia.uk or you can message us at the Buckleys pod on Instagram and TikTok and don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever other podcast app you like to use and if you're feeling extra generous why not go ahead and leave us a review Go on. Go on. If you like it. All that is left to say.

41:11James Buckley:See you next Thursday.

41:13Clair Buckley:See you next Thursday. Thanks, Claire. Thank you, everyone. Thanks for listening. Goodbye. Go on the troops.

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