The best HILARIOUS Listener Stories

0:00I think that I am Sue from your school run. No way No way Are you the guy trying to get out Yes I f***ing am You wanna get nuts Let's get nuts As our daughter started blowing out the candles The other girl leant forward From her seat on the couch And started Blowing them from the other side Wow Out Hello and welcome to The Buckleys, the podcast where we sit down, have a chat, moan a bit and invite you into our lives. Before we get into it, we just want to remind you that you can get in touch with your stories and questions for us by emailing thebuckleys at platformmedia.uk or you can message us at thebuckleyspod on Instagram or TikTok.

0:48And don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever podcast app that you like to use. And if you do like the show, if you like it, give us a review. If you don't like it, don't worry with the review, don't bother. But if you do like it, give us a review. That'd be great. Now, if you're listening to this, it means that we're either sick, hung over, or there's been a train strike. Something's happened. The shit's hit the fan, all right? And this is a best of episode. God knows what that's going to sound like. Yeah, this will be a short one. This is the best of listener emails.

1:20And we've had some whoppers, haven't we, Claire? No, we have to be fair. The listener emails are the best. Yeah, they're the backbone of this podcast. The core, yeah. Well, listen, Claire, let's get into it. Here's some of the best listener emails that we've had. Get your ears around this. We mentioned a couple of weeks ago that even if it was negative, we'd love a review as long as it has five stars. Yeah. That's the important thing. Yeah. So you can write whatever you want, but give us the stars. Oh, what have they done? Have they loved that? Naturally, the listeners have delivered. Toby says, two hungover presenters, vague format, no structure.

1:57One of them even burped at one point. Five stars. As you guys are getting it as well. Use of the structure. Don't know what you're laughing at. Mike's here. Another 45 minutes of my life wasted on this shit. See you next Thursday. Five stars. Lewis says, husband and wife chatting utter bollocks for an hour. Makes my morning drive to work enjoyable. Five stars by me. And Chris simply says, absolute shite. Five stars. Thanks for that. Keep those coming in, guys. They're always good. So on the school run, we always go past a car with Sue in the number plate, S-U-E. And it's become a game that whenever me and the boys see that car, it'll be three out of the five days a week that we see it.

2:42It's like clockwork. We always just go, Sue!

2:48We all just shout Sue. And then I was thinking, I wonder if Sue goes past the car and sees a dad with his two kids just constantly shouting and pointing. She must be terrified when she sees your car. But she's involved in this game and she has absolutely no idea. Have you seen who drives the car? No, because I'm always looking at the number plate. It might be a boy named Sue. Apparently we've got a little surprise. Yeah And Claire's to read it I don't know what's coming I've just seen it And it's better be good I mean Claire's reaction just then was Fuck off Which is always a great reaction This is good It could mean anything Okay Alright James you ready?

3:35Yeah yeah Someone's written in Yeah Hi Go on I think that I am Sue from your school run No way no way I would love to know my car is a black LD oh no oh no that's well embarrassing

4:03she's given our our number pledge yeah yeah I'll show you that in a minute yeah yeah I too I'm on the school run but heading in the opposite direction yeah yeah we have seen James and when we pass him my boys always shout bus wanker the game works both ways brilliant thanks so so she is Sue how amazing is that okay right we have got some in betweener related questions and stories sent in by our lovely listeners so this is from Amy okay and the subject is potty mouth I don't know how that could be related to the in betweeners okay she starts off by saying mortified by my eight-year-old she has recently started back chatting a few weeks ago and i told her to stop giving me so much lip to which she replied good lord okay to which she replied my lip around your bell end if mr chippy don't get there first what you gonna do knock up a closet for him to hide in you bummed her okay that is our fault soz about that i was in utter shock it hadn't registered what she said at first when i turned to my husband to ask where she had got this from who my husband at this point had his t-shirt pulled over his face in bits of laughter when he replied i think that's the in between us her 17 year old son and my husband still won't on up to who allowed her to watch it God knows how many times she's seen it for her to recite that scene between Will and Neil's dad I hope you like this one from one shocked mum to a very sassy quick witted 8 year old girl who has now got an obsession with the in between us well she's obviously I mean she's being brought up right yeah she's obviously got great taste in comedy yeah and that is a funny thing to say and a good you are left her mum said now is that a direct quote yes it's a direct quote well also she's got a good head for lines absolutely she's an actress it was in perfect context let's spin it into a positive so the mum said stop giving me that lip and she said your lip round my belly did you say that is that your line it's Will's line it's word for word perfect wow and attention good yeah no sorry yeah I mean I'm going to be honest I don't really think it's our fault if your 18 year old girl is watching the in between eight oh sorry eight year old girl yeah I know we're trying to sort of massage the age up if you're 38 year old

7:00eight yeah eight and is it worse that it's a girl a little girl a little girl saying you're a little it's not my fault you're letting your kids watch well that's what she's saying it's not it's the dad or the brother it's the dad or the brother and none of them have owned up they won't own up they won't own up of course they won't because it's horrific it should not be happening at all whatsoever hey Claire James and the podcast gang I think us up in Scotland can't be beat when it comes to nicknames we have a guy in work whose eyes are quite wide and his eyebrows are naturally higher than normal, which makes him look constantly surprised.

7:41So he's been nicknamed how much?

7:48Because it looks like he's permanently surprised at the price of something. That's brilliant.

7:58How much?

8:03Oh, God. That's really good, though. That's well good. We've got a message from Tom. Tom says, hello, James and Claire. This is the story of how I tried to leave the hospital after my son was born. Yeah, I tried to do that as well. You grabbed me. Said, oh, you're fucking going nowhere. You had one of those big Bo Peep hooks.

8:29You're not leaving me with this. This is the story of how I tried to leave the hospital. You can't, no. You can't. Tried to leave the hospital after my son was born. And somehow found myself staring at my own low-budget remake of The Great Escape. Did you end up in a bush taking a shit and needing KFC wipes? That was my version of that. It was lockdown 2020 and my partner, Abby, had just given birth. It was midnight. Yeah, it's late. It's midnight. You've stayed long enough. Time to go. And the nurses told me I had to leave. So I said my goodbyes and wandered out into a completely empty corridor.

9:02I get the lift and it's plastered with a massive red COVID-19 do not enter sign. Fine, stairs it is. I walk the longest corridor of my life. Same bloody sign on the stair door. I look at the security camera for a bit, waiting for someone to stop me and then think, nah, sod this. And I go through anyway. I start skipping down the stairs, buzzing from becoming a dad. Sorry. This is why I should read them. Then realise I'm sweaty, out of breath and panting. Classic COVID symptoms. So I start freaking out. Great. Now I look exactly like the bloke you shouldn't let out of hospital. I finally get to the main exit and everything's closed.

9:50I have no idea how to escape this place. I head off back up the corridor and out of nowhere, a tiny bald scientist. A scientist. That's fucking 28 years later. A tiny bald scientist with a tray of liquids appears. He looks scared to death to see me. I'm tall, tattooed, bald, sweating and breathing heavy. So I can kind of see why. I ask, how the fuck do I get out of here? So you're bald, tatted, sweating, start shouting expletives. He starts shaking. He tries his card on the exit Nothing After I explain I'm not a COVID case He's not doing himself any favours No he's mental He's a big bald bloke With tattoos Screaming How the fuck do I get out of here I'm not a COVID case Unless this was when COVID was scary We didn't know what the hell was going on He leads me outside To a fenced off bike shed With an 8 foot spiked fence He points at it and says You climb.

10:59Absolutely not. What has this guy been smoking? He takes me back in, points down a mile-long corridor and says, There. This guy's not saying it. He's just saying odd words as well. There. You climb. So off I go, pushing through random doors and biohazard signs. A nurse pops out from behind a red COVID curtain. This is starting to sound like an arcade, like a shoot-em-up arcade game. where you're in front of those big screens and you're just like, oh, there's a nurse, no scientist.

11:35So off I go pushing around the biohousers. A nurse pops out from behind a red COVID curtain and I quickly explain my situation to which she replies, we all want to get out of here, love. At this point, I'd be going, have I died? Yeah. This is limbo. Yeah. Like, is this going to be me for eternity? Yeah. Which definitely freaked me out some more. Finally, I reached the exit. I started power walking. My life depended on it. Not running. Imagine there's a bomb behind you. Quick! My life depends on it. I've had to walk very brisk. I started power walking as my life depended on it. I can see outside.

12:22I can almost taste freedom. When a massive security guard shouts, Oi, are you the guy trying to get out? I yell back, Yes, I fucking am! And I keep going. I've got zero time to talk and I don't want to risk being quarantined or something mad. I walked straight out across the car park, checked my phone, and it took 38 minutes to escape. Becoming a dad was emotional, but honestly, getting out of that hospital was the real miracle of the day. Abby. Oh, okay. I've not read this yet. The subject does say monster munch. We're very passionate. I'll die on this hill. Well, it depends what she says. We're passionate munchers.

13:04So let's hear what she's got to say. Abby says here, you want to point us here today and you've got one monster munch. They're not claws or footprints. They never have been. They never will be. They are monsters standing up with long arms and big heads. you know like you know the claw you turn it upside down right I have heard this before I've heard this I think she's wrong do you think that's just what someone yeah I think it's monster claws I do think it is monster claws yeah what's she got what's she dying on though is that it does she come up for anything they are monsters standing up with long arms and big heads I am possibly too passionate about this no it's impossible or she might be right and this has caused many arguments however I know I am right and that is that's someone I'm showing it just for people watching obviously if you're not watching yeah obviously if you are eating a packet of Monster Munch right now and you're looking at a claw turn it upside down you'll see what Abby is talking about yeah because there is the two at the end do come up yeah and then there's the two in the middle that go straight down yeah because the two at the end I always eat first you bite that bit off you turn it around you bite that bit off I did that as a kid but I feel like my mouth's too big now no I still don't I just shovel them in However, I know I am right.

14:18Good. Okay. I love that. I absolutely fucking love that. Even though you don't know you're right. That's me. That's like. Yeah. Again, Abby. You, Abby and Craig. Abby, if you want to meet up with me and Craig, I have a point. We can discuss all of this. We can really get into this. Yeah. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise. I cannot fathom. Love that. Love the use of the word fathom there. How people see claws. they are monsters look at one what you think is the palm is actually the head them big long arms and two legs you will never see it as a claw again I would say I hope you agree with me but I will happily stand alone on this until my dying day

15:06yes Abby I have heard that and you actually could be right I think I'm so I think I've been brainwashed so much by the claw people that I did just think claw but I have heard that yeah I'll get on board with that listen if they're little monsters I'm in and listen it's great to debate and it's great to accept other people's point of views I'm all about that but one thing that we can all come together and unite over is that there is no bad monster munch no that's what I thought where we were going here there is no bad monster munch roast beef pickled onion how Flaming hot Flaming hot and pickled onion are the best if you no no no well it doesn't matter if you went to me I'm off out do you want me to get you some monster munch I'll just say yes correct me to whatever you come back with I know it's going to be a pucker crisp the people who don't like the roast beef I love oh my god the roast beef when you get one that is absolutely caked and is a bit moist I'm dribbling oh Jesus Christ to be honest my thing would go pickled onion roast beef then flaming hot I've like put some longer nails on recently or something so you started licking the packet of a Monster Munch yeah because you couldn't get into the yeah I had big long nails on and it's the worst thing about it because the end of the packet things like Monster Munch discos yeah but even anything even a packet of walkers right at the end you slide your finger on the bottom oh absolutely you've got to get into the corner yeah get it all when you've got like long nails on you can't do it so I would gently tear down yeah you opened it up Lick up the inside That's going to get us a lot of views By the way That's really going to make a lot of people happy No it does Are they claws?

16:54Are they upside down monsters? It is reminiscent of that dress Is it blue? What was it? What was the other colour? Because it was just blue It was black and blue Gold No it was gold and white What are you talking about? It was black and blue you idiot Fuck off You're not getting me with this Fuck off It was black and blue I've seen that picture so many times It was a golden white dress It was black and blue you fool You're talking shit Don't fucking call me a fool You're talking shit I know you are Yes you are It was black and blue There was nothing else There was no other colours there It was black and blue Dark blue Like a navy blue You're lying I'm not lying The golden white dress that everybody saw Look that's black and blue Yeah the top one is That's the one that I've seen Right so there was two different pictures You're going to put then that's the one I've seen yeah hold on how do I hold this in a way oh you're never going to see that in a billion years people know what you're talking about you're number three and all don't tell me what camera I am Claire you're three though I'll tell you something mate you're pulling it round to two two's me shut your fucking face for a second right I know we pretend and we muck about on this podcast and stuff but don't you tell me what fucking camera I know how to find the lens you couldn't you're holding it to two I'm two you fucking are and don't you forget it you're three I'm number one.

18:11You're three? We've had a Monster Munch listener update. Play the theme tune. Monster Munch. Monster Munch. This is from Martin. Thank God. Has Martin been in touch before? No. Let's find out together. I've not read it yet, Claire. Well, you said an update. I don't know. It's an update on Monster Munch. Thank God. I've not been sleeping. Martin says, Dear James and Claire, I had to email to tell you that the person who wrote in about Monster Munch was correct. Oh, the claws. About the shapes not being claws or footprints. They were dead wrong about them being monsters standing up. My dad. Oh, here we go.

18:55Oh. We've got sauce. Sauce? We've got a sauce. A sauce? A sauce. A sauce. Yeah. My dad worked for Walkers in the 80s through to the early 2000s and was part of the development team working on Monster Munch as well as other snacks. Oh, my God. I can tell you with 100 % certainty. Okay. What is it? What? What is it? This is a wind-up. This is a wind-up. What? I can tell you. I'm not having this. This is Martin's. I can tell you with 100 % certainty that the shape of Monster Munch is in fact an eye with four eyelashes. I know, he goes on to say, I know it sounds fucking mental. But each of the original monsters had a different shaped crisp corresponding to a part of their character for their assigned flavour.

19:51In fact, I remember that. They used to be different characters. Yeah, but also on the packet, they all do have big eyes. Yes, they do. I don't know what that means, but I'm just thinking it loud here. Got to get the bottom of this. The design that was kept after all the others were phased out was the eyeball and eyelashes from the pickled onion yellow monster. Walker's decided to keep this one over all the others as everyone assumed it was a monster's claw and that it would cover all the characters. And then he goes, fun fact for you. I was one of the first people who got to try limited edition flavours of Monster Munch.

20:28I remember spaghetti sauce was amazing But vanilla ice cream flavour was fucking weird Love the podcast, Martin Yeah I don't know I don't know, Martin I feel like you needed to send in some proof as well Like, did your dad have an ID badge? Or something like that Because I feel like I feel like that's insane Any Monster Munch stuff that you've got Keep it coming in, guys we'll get to the bottom of this one day. I feel like we're further away from the bottom now. We are. We've moved further away now. Yeah, we need some proofing, Martin. Get back in touch. Martin, we need to... Because he could just be a nutter with an email.

21:11Yeah, you've opened up a can of worms there, mate. I mean, he's saying fact. If you're saying fact... I don't know what to think anymore, Claire. I just don't... A few weeks back, we mentioned some brilliant slash terrible pun-themed shop names. yes this was mine you've been sending in yours here are some of the best ones we've had through this is from Craig shut up Craig you'll appreciate this one yeah I've seen this you've seen it yeah yeah in Airdrie Scotland there was a cafe located directly behind Aldi the supermarket perfectly named Bacchialdi's Bacchialdi's but it looks like a sort of Italian yeah yeah thought Claire would appreciate that one thanks Craig Owen, I've got two for you.

21:59The first is a salon called Only Tans. Nice, nice. I assume they go there. Who? The women. Oh, so are they all tanned? I wouldn't know, mate. Yeah, you walked into that one, didn't you? I wouldn't know. Let's check that Google history again. I feel like you missed some stuff out. Only Tans have come up quite a lot. Aye, have I? And best of all is a bait and tackle shop called Master Baits. Come on. How are you getting away with that? That's bad, isn't it? Baits with a Z. Yeah, well, that's how you do it. Why did I say Z? Chris says, I used to pass a chippy on the way to hockey training over 15 years ago now with what I still deem to be the best name ever.

22:46Somewhere between York and Selby Snaith. It's a place I've never read of. It's a fish and chip shop called Frying Nemo. Doesn't really work, I'll be honest with you. It doesn't work great, does it? Finding Nemo, Frying Nemo. I mean, it's good. It's good. I prefer the ones that rhyme. That would be a good film, though. A good sequel to Nemo. That would be a good sequel to Nemo. Macy says, my local chippy is called The Cods Pollocks. That's the best one. That's the best one. We've got a few more here, but none of them are going to be that good. None of them are going to be that good. The Cod's Pollocks.

23:29Everything in it works. Is Pollock a fish? Pollock is a fish. Right, okay, okay, okay, okay. The Cod's Pollocks. Where is that? She didn't say. Yeah, I'm going to find it out. It's next door to Elmview Store. I need to find that place. We've got one here from Paul. Paulie! I've not read this. Let's read it together and find out what Paul wants from us. Paulie Walnuts Walnuts Paul says Dear the Buckleys I'm getting in touch Because I wanted to tell you About a recent incident Which I imagine Will have you both raging Good Okay Here we go Alright I'm getting juiced I'm getting juiced up Our youngest daughter Recently turned nine And for her birthday She invited four friends over For her first sleepover One of her friends Had the worst case Of main character energy I've ever seen I'm suffering With that a little bit I think sometimes anytime anyone spoke she interrupted do you know what there is James you're an interrupter no I am an interrupter yeah but there is kids like that there is kids like that we've had oh yeah Harrison's friends over yeah and it is like relax yeah yeah relax you're fucking you're seven yeah alright chill I have a children in my house where I go if my children behaved like this I would fucking die as the night wore on she got louder and louder no matter what the kids said they'd done she'd done it bigger better louder longer harder strange choice of words for a nine year old girl anyway everything was look at me she was mentally exhausting by nine o 'clock we lit the candles on the cake and sang happy birthday and then it happened as I'd she did not blow those fucking candles up I think we know I think we know where this is going honestly I'd be furious As our daughter started blowing out the candles, the other girl leant forward from her seat on the couch and started blowing them from the other side.

25:30Wow. Out. Now, what are the rules there? So if I, the story would be, see, say this is me and I've got a daughter. Say we've got a daughter. This is happening. I suppose the story the Daily Mail would run is James Buckley thumps a nine-year-old girl.

25:56But this is context. Honestly. It didn't even register for me that this was not normal behaviour. My wife was fuming, but that wasn't the end of it. The next morning at breakfast, as my daughter was opening her gifts off the other kids, her friends started unwrapping some of them and judging them.

26:18what the fuck what are the rules on petty revenge against spoiled brats by the end of the morning even our daughter said to us I don't think I'll be inviting her back in a hurry like a little old lady I'd love to hear your view well I've said my view and mine was violent just a little listen let me tell you the one Reign it in. For all parents, okay? And this doesn't make sense, but it makes sense, right? Are we getting on our high horse at the moment? No, no, no. Come and join me over here on my high horse, Claire. The one problem... I like being on a high horse. I don't get to be on a high horse very often.

27:04But this little girl's a menace. The one problem! She's not been brought up properly. Claire, tell me what the one problem is. Fucking hell! Sorry, I was just enjoying being on a high horse. And I'm instantly off of it again. One problem for every other parent, right? Now, I will say this does exclude me because my children are fucking angels, right? They're all right. But the one problem that every other parent has in common is other people's children. That's the saying. You cannot... Nobody likes other people's children. But I barely stand my own. Claire, I've got an email from you. And I'll tell you something.

27:45For me? I've got an email for you. Yes. For us, whatever. But I'm excited about this one. Okay. Because it is from Anonymous. I've not read the email. When they don't want to put their name to it. It starts juicy. Okay. So Anonymous. I think you hated that one. What? Juicy. Juicy Goss. Yeah. Anon says, hi guys, I have a wedding dilemma. Hit me. I got engaged in November last year and our wedding is planned for late December this year. My brother then proposed to his long-term girlfriend on Christmas Eve and they've decided to speed run, to do a speed run wedding in July. Now for years, the four of us, me, my fiance, my brother and his partner have talked about being in each other's bridal parties.

28:35My future sister-in-law would literally say things like, I can't wait for you to be bridesmaid. And even after they got engaged, she was like, Get ready for bridesmaid duties. Very cute. Very false advertising, apparently. Because we were a bit more organised and actually went ahead and asked them to be in our bridal party for our December wedding because it seemed like the right thing to do. And now, nothing. They have asked their friends and not included us. Fucking the wedding, man. It's a minefield. It is. The Occam Up. Don't have a wedding and not expect multiple bombs to blow up in your face.

29:19Absolutely. I, for a fact, wouldn't have asked them if it wasn't for the years of hype. I felt like I had to. So my question is, is this our fault for jumping the gun, even though we got engaged first? Do I say something about how it's rude? Or even better, can I politely uninvite them from our bridal party now? Or do we just leave it and bitch about it behind their backs and move on? Yeah, you do that. Listen, this is coming from a guy, me, who has literally sat in my kitchen with one of my closest friends that I've known for years and years and years where he told me he was getting married and that he needed to talk to me about something.

30:01And I said to him, don't ask me to be best man, by the way. And you were going, that's mental that you said that. I said that was very rude because that is what he was going to ask you. I don't think he was. He was? this was years and years and years ago in the end he didn't no of course he didn't because I said you don't want it I don't want it I don't want to be in a bridal party I've been Usher a couple of times now over the last few years even that's a fucking pain in the arse listen just right but that's not the point of this it's weird that you were all talking about how you're like when we get married and we'll all be in each other's groomsmen and bridal party and stuff yeah listen it's weird They've done a weird thing to you.

30:42I would say it's a blessing in disguise and I wouldn't poke the bear too much because, one, you do. You've got something juicy to bitch about now. It will bring you and your missus closer. You can bond over this. This is going to be a great thing. This is our whole relationship. We both go, yeah, fuck them together, right? So you've got that. That's going to be a great thing for you guys. and also you don't have to do all the shit that comes with being a part of the show when you get in the show but it's a hard pill to swallow they've already asked them absolutely take it back take it back fucking burn it burn it off of the ground don't ever talk to them again I'm just trying to give them a different spin on it burn it I'm trying to give them a different spin on it you've got the no I'd be furious I get this I'd be furious absolutely you're oh so you're good enough to be my bridesmaid but I'm not good enough to be yours this is brilliant and this is what you two talk about together you get furious how is this woman supposed you've got a common enemy it brings you two closer we are not the closest when we are closest is when we've both got an enemy aye I know but that is when me and you come together and I'm like I've never been so close to you aye that's fine right that's fine but how is this woman supposed to sit there on that day with this fucking bitch coming in being a bridesmaid and stuff.