The Nightmare Hamster

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1:15This episode is brought to you by Tesco Clubcard. Can you remember what you were doing 30 years ago, Claire? 30 years ago? Oh, I wasn't born. Me neither. Wasn't born, Mitt. Me neither. Wouldn't, no. I still had about 10 years before I was about to be born. Yeah, yeah. How old am I now? 21? Come on, what were you doing 30 years ago? I was, I probably had headphones on and listening to my Spice Girls album. That's why I love you, Jimmy. Mm-hmm. Zig-a-zig. Ah. Ah, happy days. And it was happy days for shoppers too, who got their very first Tesco club cards. Yeah, the club card's been going for 30 years.

1:50It has, Claire. But more importantly, loads and loads of people have been enjoying all those amazing Tesco club card benefits over all that time. Yeah, you've got to love how good it feels to get to the tell and see those savings clock up. Oh, it feels too good. And who doesn't love a good saving? And if you want to celebrate 30 years of the Tesco club card, there's no better way than making the most of those club card prices today. Yeah, great idea. Exactly Well to see them all All you have to do Is search Tesco Club Card Prices Couldn't be easier Fill the power To lower prices With Tesco Club Card Club Card Or app required Club Card I mean I hate weddings anyway Yeah They're inconvenient They're really f***ing boring Especially your own Expensive I'll just say this to my mates You got one wedding out of me One day She got the hamster And named it Pipsqueak Now let me tell you Pipsqueak Was a f***ing One man, one woman, one, two, three, six barbecues?

2:54Via rom-com. And me and you, we'd be like back to back. Both sort of looking at each other going, oh no. There's a little hair. There you go. Little black curly hair. Hello and welcome to the Buckleys. This is the podcast where we sit down, have a chat, moan a bit and invite you into our lives. Before we do get into it, we just want to remind you that you can get in touch with your stories and questions for us by emailing thebucklies.plattformmedia.uk or you can message us at The Buckley's Pod on Instagram and TikTok. And don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever podcast app that you like to use.

3:30And if you do enjoy the show, why not go ahead and leave us a sexy little review? That would be ever so handy. Hi, Claire, how are you? I'm all right, Matt. You okay? I'm all right. Did you know there's no such thing as baby carrots?

3:45No baby carrots? Yeah. Love a baby carrot. Loads of salt and butter. Fuck me. There's no such thing as baby carrots. What, are they just pulled prematurely? No, no, no, no. They're just normal carrots. They're shaved down. No. Yeah. There's no such thing as baby carrots. Right. Fact check in the room, please. If you all thought, if you're listening to this now, and you all thought that there was a specific breed of carrot that they grew and they come out like baby carrots. There's quite an interesting story about it. I think it's something to do with the food administration thing in America during the 50s or something like that, trying to sort of not waste carrots or something.

4:29So they invented this thing called baby carrots. That's interesting. But you don't just pull out a baby carrot. Wow. The claim is false, it says here, Claire. Baby carrots are a manufactured product, not a naturally occurring miniature carrot. Wow. But they are indeed a real type of carrot product. They are typically made from full-sized, cosmetically floored carrots. Right. So the ugly ones. Oh, what's happening to the rest of the carrot? That is wasteful. They have a load of cosmetic surgery. No, they get about three or four baby carrots out of one carrot. True baby carrots, sometimes called true babies or mini carrots, are harvested before maturity while baby cut carrots are the processed pieces of larger mature carrots.

5:16So there you go. Kicking off with that, mate. What more do you want? We could end the podcast right now. I think it's... If you're going to take anything away from this week's episode... It's going to be that. Where are you going to go for here? Oh, I was hoping that you'd have something to say about it. Oh, right, yeah. I think it's terrible that just because it doesn't look nice or it's a bit of a funny shape that people don't want it. Well, the world's done 180 now, isn't it, Claire? Because those sort of rusticky-looking vegetables, those sort of misshaped vegetables. The Jamie Oliver vegetables.

5:45Yeah, that's it. They're all cool now, aren't they? Yeah. And you put it on some cracked piece of crockery. Yeah. Slap it all in, whack it in, pucker, happy days. I love Jamie Oliver. Oh, I love him. Can't wait for Christmas so I can start watching it again. Hey, Claire. Go on. I just want to throw back to, what was it, last week or the week before, where we were talking about where you fell over in that restaurant. Yeah, great. Yeah, let's bring that up again. And it was an embarrassing moment. But then we started talking about on the way home. Yes. And you were like, why didn't I bring that up?

6:13Yeah, because you went, actually, my embarrassing moment's a lot worse. Do you remember James did a hot chip challenge? Yeah. And that day going home, you were in a busy train station on your hands and knees throwing up into a drain with their son in tow. And the worst thing with that is people are just going to think that you were really drunk. Yeah, or something like that. No, I wasn't. I was, honestly, I did that hot chip challenge, did a whole podcast episode. Yeah. And then on the way home, it was like, it was hot in my mouth. Yeah. But then on the way home, it was when the belly kicked in.

6:57Yeah, you just kept looking at me going, oh no, oh no. The belly was like, what the fucking hell am I digesting here? I was in a really, don't ever do the hot chip challenge. Don't ever do it. I honestly thought I was going to end up going to hospital. I was in a really, really, really bad state. And the worst thing is, if I could just bring it back to you, is that we were trying to get home to pick Jude up from school. Harrison was with us. Harrison was off school. I think it was like the end of school. I think it was Jude's last day and Harrison had finished a day early. We had to get back for Jude's pickup.

7:35And the train that we needed to get to... We had to go. We had to go. And I said to you, I can't run. I can't run. You're going to have to run. And I'll get the next train and I'll meet you at home. So you sprinted off and fell down the stairs. Fell down the stairs. That's not true. Everything slipped out. And I fell down the stairs. You fell on your hands and knees. I was going round a corner. You slid along the floor on your hands and knees. All the crap from your purse. My bag, yeah. My bag went flying. Went flying all over the floor. You had two massive, massive, massive bruises on your knees.

8:18Yeah, I landed on my knees. Yeah. So hold on. You wanted to throw it back because you were embarrassing me a couple of weeks ago and talk about your embarrassing moment. But you bring up that I fell again. Well, that was it, yeah. So it was my embarrassing moment, but let's not also forget, you almost broke both your legs. Yeah, I went flying that day. Running for the train. It was really embarrassing. Middle of the... I was running... Can I ask you? I've never asked you this. Did you make a noise? I don't think so. Did you go, ooh, or anything? I don't think so. I'm not really, I can a noise make a noise.

8:47No, but what about when you landed on it? Because you really, like, your knees were so bruised. You must have really slammed on those. I did. It was my hands made the slapping noise on the floor. I really went down Did you not even go like Urgh I don't know Or anything I can't remember Oh shit Yeah I probably swore You could ask All the people That were around me Which by the way Not one fucker helped me No of course not Not one person Helped me up I had to get myself up And then I had to go And pick up all the stuff And put it in my bag And then I had to keep Running for this train No you're in London mate I made it though Made the train Good It'd be bad if you didn't I know And I eventually Caught up with you Yeah Well, the next train were you.

9:28Yeah, exactly. We'd have had to phone Jude's school. I would have caught up with you and gone, what are you doing here? Why are you... Sorry, we can't pick Jude up. We're going to be a bit late. James is throwing up and I just fell again. But yeah, that was my embarrassing moment. And also yours. Yeah, thanks. Do you want to know something, Claire? What? I've started loitering when I go through turnstiles now. It's a new thing that I've started. And I have. Because you know, when you're at the Tube, in London. Because like I say, everyone's main in London. There you go. It's, everybody's for themselves.

10:02Prove me wrong. People have been trying, like, sneaking behind you at the turnstile so they don't have to pay to get on the tube. So now what I've started doing is tap my card. Such a measurable old man. And I slowly go through the turnstile and hover for like literally half a second. Right. Just enough time to stop anyone being able to try and like And have you had somebody bang and then take it? I've had it twice. Wow. And I've turned around and looked at them. I've given them a little got you, right? And they do this thing where they're like, oh, did it? They sort of go, oh, did that not? My card must have not worked or something.

10:45I don't know. I don't know what happened because I was just doing what I did. And I just sit there and go, yeah. And I watch them. Next time. I watch them struggling, sit there, panicking, going, oh, no, I've been caught. I bask in the moment. Right, right. What if they can't afford a ticket? God love them. Well, walk. It was the hard K there for me. Walk. Listen, there were times where I couldn't afford the train. I've walked fucking places. I've had to walk some places in my time. Fair enough. Fair enough. No, that is annoying. I never tried to steal. Yeah, no, that's annoying. I paid for it.

11:22Yeah. You're not getting through on my dime. Exactly. My hard-earned dime. Look at me here. Go on. Slogging away. Yeah. Yeah. I'm kidding. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Claire, have you got anything to moan about this week? Oh, God, James. Apart from the usual. I'm all right, then. You're all right. Let me guess, you have. I've got one little thing to moan about. Is it just quick? I don't like calling out people by name or celebrities. But recently, Brooklyn Beckham. Right. And who I'm sure is a very nice chap. Yeah. I think I've done a cameo for him. Have you? Yeah. He's obviously a good lad with great taste.

12:03However, he renewed his vows with his wife. They've only been married for about five minutes or something. Yeah, but I think it's because it's a bit, I think there's more to that story. Well, I don't care about that. It's a bit of drama. I don't care about that and I don't want to get into that. But it got me thinking about the marriage, the renewing vows. Yeah. Listen, we're not a celeb goss fucking podcast here. There's some rumors. Yeah, we don't know. No, I wasn't even going to see it. Listen, I've read stuff about me in that news publication that's completely made up. So don't ever listen to anything anyone's saying if there's drama or whatever.

12:38Fuck knows what's going on. However, I do know that he renewed his vows. Like after a year of being married or something. Yeah. Why? One why. Two. I mean, I hate weddings anyway. Yeah. I absolutely hate it. They're inconvenient. They're really fucking boring. Especially your own. Yeah, well, yeah. Like, no, seriously, though, because you can go to the other... You can't get out of that one, can you? You can go to other people's and just be like, well, I'm just here for the day. This is all your problem. But then, like, doing your own wedding, who wants to do that again? I mean, you've got to go.

13:14It's difficult to get out of a wedding. It is difficult to get out of a wedding. But I can. I can accept a wedding a day or days. devoted to a couple to make them feel special. Careful. I'll just say this to my mates. You've got one wedding out of me. You've got one wedding. One day. Oh, you mean... You've got one wedding out of me. Oh, you're not going to a renewal. I'm not going to a renewal. What about a divorce in a second wedding? You've got one. Okay. You've got one. Fine. Because... Will you come to my next wedding? Well, I assume, Claire, I'll be too busy. With loads of buds. With loads of fucking...

13:55Loads of Swedish models. Yeah. I'm not going to go to a second wedding. Right. I've written that down if they get divorced. Okay. I've written that down here. I'm not going to go to a second wedding if they get divorced. But a vow renewal is bullshit. Yeah, I agree. It is bullshit. I agree. What do you want? We want everyone to make a big fuss over you again. I know, yeah. With nothing. Yeah. That just screams attention seeker. It is. It's too much. I want another day. Yeah. Yeah. You got your day out of me. It's the same, kind of the same with birthday parties for adults. Like, I don't mind like a dinner or let's go to the pub and we're going to celebrate the pub.

14:27But like a proper big do for yourself. How long have we been married? I know we've been together. 13 years. It's 13. This year will be 13. That's quite a cool year to do it, the 13th year. Renew the vows? Yeah. What, set up a whole fucking... Yeah. And also, it's been 13 years. We've not made new friends. No. And we've lost a lot of... If any, yeah. Katie. You're on the payroll, Hen. Relax. You're our manager. You're our manager. And I love you like a manager.

15:09And Guy, we love you like a producer. All right? Yeah, no, we're not doing the renew. We're not doing it now. It's not our thing. And I'll tell you what, I've got a theory about the vow renewal. Is it? What are you trying to prove? I think. Is something going on? Is something going on with the relationship there? I think you'll end up splitting up after vow renews. Is it like a kiss of death? Is it like the Strictly curse? Yeah, sure. Let me talk to you about my Instagram algorithm, Claire, because I know that you are dying to hear. Yeah, can't wait. What's been cropping up. Have you heard of this?

15:42Power slap. No. Right? I like the sound, yeah. This is it. People just take turns slapping each other. I've seen that, yeah. They're fucking brutal. Have you seen some of them? Of course they are. They're brutal. And they take like a big wind up and stuff. Yeah. I don't know how it's a thing. Yeah. I think, I might be wrong, but I think Dana White is involved in it. I think he's the promoter of it or something like that. He's the UFC guy, the bald UFC guy. Yeah. And it is just you slap me, I slap you until they fall over. Until they fall over. Until they get knocked out. Surely you can tap it.

16:19Or I suppose they give up, but no one ever gives up, do they? But it's until they get knocked out. Wow. Absolutely. How is this a thing? I don't know. That's crazy. And listen, I'm not against fighting. I love boxing. Fighting sports. I don't mind a bit of UFC. I'm not as interested these days. It seems a bit boring these days. It was quite fun a few years ago. But just slapping each other. Yeah. The just, like you're not allowed to block. You're not allowed to move out of the way. Like you're getting it. Like you're getting slapped. You are getting it, yeah. And it's crazy. I have seen that. Like they properly, it looks agony.

16:55And they like chalk up and stuff. So it like explodes over their face. So that's what you've been watching? I'm going to clip that.

17:07Yeah, I've just been watching, you know. Men explode in our other men's faces. Yeah, pretty much. Have you got a technique? Have you got a slapping technique? I'm not a slapper. Oh. Don't know, Claire. Don't know, mate. I've heard the rumours. I'm a puncher. Right. I don't slap. Yeah. Yeah. I don't hit anybody. When's the last time I hit somebody? Years ago. you're always hitting me oh yeah I give you a wee dig on the yeah but I don't slap you I give you a wee de-derm yeah yeah and that's only when you're farting in my face you ask for it I don't fart and you're so over dramatic you're so over dramatic sometimes I am quite considerate and I'll leave a room and fart and because if I fart in the room you're like go outside and do that I go alright so then I go outside and do it and you're like, I'm about to walk through that.

18:03No, no. What you do all the time is if we're going up the stairs, if we've got a bed or something, you fart right at the bottom of the stairs and it trails up the stairs and I've got to walk through it. Yes, to set the mood. Yeah, yeah. And that's why you've always got a Buckley's chance. Claire! Yeah? Exclamation mark. Hello. Do you remember a few weeks back, episode 39, I believe, when I brought up my list of classic movie tropes that I'd love to do in real life? Oh yeah, I do remember that. Well, it turns out that that struck a chord with our listeners and we've been inundated with movie tropes they'd like to do too.

18:40So what did we have? We had like hot wire in a car. Hanging off a helicopter. Yeah, but then also just stupid ones like pouring your set or drinking out the whiskey bottle. Yeah, taking some paracetamol without water. Splashing your face after an intense day. Closing the eyes of a fallen comrade. Right, okay, yeah. What we got then? What they got? Tom has got one. He says, I would like to have an intense conversation with someone on the phone where I'm told some really important and helpful information and then I end the call without saying thank you or goodbye. They never say goodbye, do they not?

19:16They do that all the time in X-Files. It's like, okay, yep. It's like, look, you just imagine the person on the other end going, oh, all right, you're welcome, see you later. Good. I don't think America does goodbye on the phone as much. as they do in the UK. I don't think it's a thing. I don't think it's considered rude to not say goodbye. Wow. Do you know what people I hate? Go on. People who say bye like 10 times really quickly. Bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. I hate that. It really winds me up. Connor's here. He says, I'd love to come downstairs in the morning to a platter of homemade breakfast worth about 100 quid for me and then have a bite of toast and rush out the house.

19:54Yeah, that was always the kids' programmes, wasn't it? The mum would shout them down, there's bacon and kegs and they'd take a bit of toast and run away. I'd be gone. It's very lethal weapon, that. In Murtagh's house. In the Murtagh family. And he's always up and he's still shaving and stuff. And he's like, I've got to go, honey. Grabs a bit of bacon or something. That's what I want my life to be like. Well, fucking get up early and make breakfast then. No, but it's got to be made by the woman. That's what society says Craig has sent in a few I'm not even going to bother He says You mentioned hot wiring a car But better than that Breaking into a car Then folding the sun visor down And the keys just fall into your hands Yeah Perfect That's classic isn't it Because it's like Bingo Yeah Yeah Using a car to break your fall From a great height As if it's a giant fucking crash mat Yeah, windscreen all smashed, just roll off without a scratch.

21:00Would like to do that too. The best one, though, is the unrealistic sex scenes. Heat of the moment, must have each other right now kind of thing. Example, woman is on a kitchen work... Is this right? Are we all right reading this? It seems like this one... Don't relax yourself and read it. No, but I just... Woman is on a kitchen worktop or something. Guy is standing. Guy? Guys, did you write in with this? Both kissing, suddenly trousers off and right in. Straight in there. Straight, humping, full blown intercourse within three seconds. That doesn't fucking happen. Would be good if it did, though.

21:45Thanks, Craig. Those are good, yeah. Dave says he'd like to be chased through the house by a monster and or serial killer and place a chair under the door handle, which somehow acts as an indestructible lock. Yeah. Yeah, when you wedge the back of the chair underneath the door handle and they can't get in. Chris got in touch with movie trope he actually attempted but failed at. God. My film trope that I tried was picking a lock with a paper clip. I must have been around six or seven at the time and I'd been thinking about doing it all day from the minute I'd pickpocketed the paperclip in maths during the first period.

22:26When I got home, I didn't bother to use my key and reach straight for the paperclip. Oh, that's so cute. Also, you're six or seven and you've got a key and you're kind of like... Oh, yeah. Hey, I bet it was the 90s, mate. I unfolded it to make it into one long piece of wire and stuck it into the keyhole, convinced that this would work and my parents would be delighted at my new skill when they returned from work. Needless to say, the paperclip got stuck in the lock, and after several minutes of me trying to rip it back out, the paperclip snapped, leaving most of it still lodged in the lock. Long story short, I had to wait outside on the front step until my parents returned from work, and surprise, surprise, they were not overly enamoured with my work.

23:09This resulted in a locksmith coming out for some considerable charge and me not being allowed on the PS2 for a month. So it wasn't the 90s. So all in all, I would not recommend trying to live out this film trope. Well, that's not the attitude, Chris. I want people to keep trying their tropes. I wonder if he meant to write 16, 17, 6 or 7. You're making your own way home. You've got your own key. You have to wait for your parents to come in. I think we need to have a look at your parents, Chris. I mean, that's the thing. They can't be annoyed. Yeah. They should have looked at themselves and gone, well, I suppose this is what will happen if you trust a six-year-old.

23:57Barely a toddler. Finally, we've got one from Michael who got in touch with a movie trope. He has actually used to his advantage, Claire. He says, I once successfully did the passionate snog to avoid the police movie trope. No, you didn't. Way back in the 80s, me and my girlfriend at the time hooked up with some random people at last orders and decided to go on to a party with them. Whilst en route, these people started to get very rowdy, shouting, jumping on cars. Yeah, that is rowdy. Knocking on random doors, etc. Suddenly, I clocked a police van turning onto the road, scanning the area, ready to nab anyone to stop the rampage.

24:36To her surprise, I quickly grabbed my girlfriend and proceeded to kiss her passionately against the wall. I could see that the police checked us out, but ignored us and proceeded up the road to see if they could catch the idiots causing the trouble. So that movie trope did work. It would work, though, wouldn't it? It's to make people feel uncomfortable. I guess. Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh, no, oh, sorry. We were looking for some criminals, but, oh, dear. You're kissing. Move along. Move along, everyone. Nothing to see here. Yeah, thanks for sending those in. I mean, a bit weird that they were all from men.

25:14Not weird at all. No, I know. Just women are boring. No, they're not. Nothing against women. Ladies, if you do have anything you'd like to do. Ladies? Or have done. Ladies. Please do send them in too. Okay. Right, time for a break. But don't you worry, because we'll be back in a sec with today's theme. What is it, Claire? Buckley's The Movie. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom-scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19 ,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan.

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