Trip to the Toilet Museum

23:10Clair Buckley:I was very close to saying Keswick. That's too boring. Pencils? Yeah. No. Any of those three that you fancy at all? No. I mean I dragged you to a museum didn't I? Yeah the Museum of Death yeah well you know maybe we'll see a few of those maybe we'll just go for a pint in the nearest pub but after all this chat about touring I thought that said boring I should say if you do fancy seeing us on tour then go and get tickets I didn't know that sentence was coming next look at them they've set us up there we're talking about toilet and pencil museums and then they want us to try and sell tickets Right, let's have a quick swipe because then we've got some listener emails.

23:53Okay.

23:55Clair Buckley:Okay, Claire.

24:00Clair Buckley:You ready for some emails, baby? Yeah. What's wrong with you? What's the matter with you? What are you talking about? What are you doing? That's no way to react. People love this and people love sending us emails. Wiggling your eyebrows and calling me baby. That's what I was rolling, scoffing it. Are you reading an email? Oh, all right. Calm down. See, I've got you now, haven't I? Hi, Buckleys. Who's this from? They've left their name at the end. We'll get to it. Hi, Buckleys. I thought I would send in this story after James mentioned his finishing catchphrases after sexy time on a previous pod.

24:43Clair Buckley:On Sunday morning, my wife and I were both fast asleep when my daughter Amy, two at the time, came into our room to wake us up. It was my turn to get up and sort her out breakfast, so I made her her favourite. Whoa, what? What? A couple stick-tonnes doing that? Kev, shut up, mate. Jesus. Smell you, bruv. Come on. I put Peppa Pig on and sat her down in front of the TV to have her brekkie. I went back to our room and got back to bed with the wife and gave her a spooning straight away, which ended up turning into a bit more. forking it was yeah good it was at that exact point of stopping that our daughter Amy shouted from the living room at the top of her voice finished oh no the timing was impeccable oh god and we ended up laughing about it for ages and still do to this day oh god Kev that's going on my list that's hilarious but also really uncomfortable finished oh no that's terrible we've got another message from Porig is how you pronounce that hi James and Claire, something I've heard you guys touch on before is snacks yeah, more so crisps yeah, crisps make us happy, didn't we do a whole fucking episode on Monster Munch once, I think we did it became a thing as well I don't want to get into it again it's a big discussion, are they feet, are they monsters claws, eyes we've heard everything, by the way, did you do that at the Palladium?

26:16Oh, okay. Because we walked into the Palladium and then we got changed in our little dressing room and there was just a massive pack of multi-pack monster lunch.

26:24Clair Buckley:Yeah, you knew that was Katie. Oh, I didn't. I just thought people were there. No, because they'll go wherever we go, they always ask do they need anything? But we don't get asked that. I've never been asked that. No, because we've got a great manager. She takes care of that stuff for us. No, nothing, just Stella. And so I go, put something else on. Right, okay. Katie just goes, so Katie goes, Monster Munch and Stella. Fine. And they go, do you want Haribo? And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, there was some Haribo. Wow. So our rider is Monster Munch and Stella. Wow. We are bottom of the barrel, aren't we, me and you?

27:00Clair Buckley:When I used to do the celebrity guest appearances. Tell them next time I want a vanilla candle burning. Well, you can. So when I used to do the celebrity guest DJ appearance things. Yeah. It's always the waving. I would get asked all the time, what's my rider? Right, which is the stuff you want in your dressing room. Yeah, but I would be, it was just like, I would turn up like 20 minutes before, do the DJ set, leave five minutes afterwards, right? But I would have a rider, and I would ask my mates, I'd be like, do you want anything? Do you need anything? Yeah, Shailen's keen. And bottles of JD and vodka, and we'd just put it all on the rider.

27:41Clair Buckley:like not every it would be one bottle or something right like and your mates would just take it home box of 200 fags or something I'd be like oh yeah you can have that right yeah no they wouldn't take it home I'd bring it back for them oh they weren't even there no they weren't even there oh I'd be like oh I've got another DJ gig tonight does anyone want any booze or need any booze or fags or anything love that and they'd be like yeah get us a box of 200 Mulberry lights I'd go yeah I'll put and I'll put it on the phone to my agent and they would do that Yeah, of course they would. Wow, fuck, what can we ask for?

28:14So we can ask for anything.

28:15Clair Buckley:But also, like, that's not... Shit, let me have a think for York. That's not a mental rider. Like, that's, like, that's just a bog standard thing. I'd be too embarrassed. There are people that do go, like... Oh, I'd be too embarrassed to ask for anything. Like, one time I got, like, a list of stuff, and I could have had everything or nothing or a couple of things. Right. Like, this whole, like, it was, like, two pages long. it was like you could have all of this on your rider if you just let James know whatever he wants that will get it for him I was going look at this and I was saying to you it's embarrassing yeah like to ask for stuff it's really really cheeky I wouldn't want to do it yeah and they were going well I could have I could have some of that and I could have some of that and we're going all right yeah I'll ask for that stuff yeah they do like um I don't know like Lego and stuff we could just like get the kids birthday presents for next year i like rolexes yeah yeah you say our budget yeah oh it's our budget yeah no we pay for it one way or another fine okay yeah if it's someone else's production yeah let us know when we're paying and when we're not paying okay right um anyway porig says um talking about crisps oh yeah he said he says like yourselves i'd like to consider myself somewhat of a crisp connoisseur okay i'm irish so some of my sections may not be available in England.

29:33Clair Buckley:But here's my top five. He's definitely going to mention Tato's. They fucking... I'm going to get some actually imported. Tato's? Yeah. We get them in Scotland. The T-A-Y, the red, right? Yeah. Yeah, you get them. No, but they're an Irish institution. Right, okay. You can't... They'd love them. Absolutely love them. Right. Here's my top five. One, popcorn. Oh, it's not fucking crisp. He's just talking about... Well, yeah, it's not crisp, is it? Not just for the cinema, but can be eaten anywhere. I'm not a fan of popcorn. I don't mind popcorn. It does get stuck in my throat a lot, though, and I cough.

30:12Clair Buckley:It does get stuck in my throat a lot, though, and I cough. I feel like popcorn has become very popular these days. People eat back, because it's quite... It's a lighter snack, isn't it? Yeah, you get, like, it's quite healthy, I think. Well, popcorn's different now as well. There's sort of that... Because when I was a kid, it used to be cinema popcorn. Yeah, toffee. And the popcorn that you get at home. The toffee, hard toffee popcorn that you get at home. I love that stuff. Yeah, it's really good, isn't it? But I do... I'm going to shock you something, Claire. I'm going to shock you here, Claire.

30:45Clair Buckley:Prepare to be shocked. You know I like moaning. I especially like etiquette in public. Oh, yeah. And the way people should behave. Yeah, we disagree on this. I know what you've got to say. Food in cinema. yeah you love it I think it's all part of the cinema experience crunching hot dog hot dog when I'm with hot dog when me and hot dog go to the cinema together like hot dog are going to get me some some popcorn and stuff I'm going to go red you've been you've been I'm going to go red as if hot dog exists as if I've slipped up and Claire's found out I'm cheating with her I'm going red you're making it worse as well I know Because I didn't think...

31:28No, I do. I can feel myself. No, I do. Why does this happen to me? Who the fuck is hot dog? And can I see a picture of him? Is he really hot?

31:37Clair Buckley:No, you're not allowed anywhere near him. He's mine. But no, your hot dog. Yeah, yeah. You know, your sweets and your popcorn and your drinks. As long as it's not crunchy. If it's crunchy, that's just it. See, that's the thing about popcorn. Popcorn, yeah, you can hear people eating it, but it's not offensive. It's no monster. I want to take monster monster to the pictures. Like, Gervais has a massive problem and he's been banging on about it for years. Why do you have to eat? Why do you have to eat in a cinema? Why can't you wait an hour and a half? You'd have to eat in a cinema. I do like eating during a film.

32:10Clair Buckley:I want to go, right, what you want to do is you want to hire a screen, have only you in it and you experience the film in that way that you want. It's called your living room. Yeah, you don't want to go to the cinema. The cinema is you with other people. It's a communal thing. Don't get me wrong. Don't start fucking answering the phone or having a massive conversation with the person next to you. But yeah, enjoy some food. Have some drink. Get into the film. Yeah, and I'll tell you when one of the only times that I've sort of had that feeling, like that sort of buzz of watching something with other people, because my favourite films are horror films and I don't like going to the cinema to see horror films because people screech and make noise and stuff and I'm just like, oh, you're ruining it.

33:00But I take the boys to see kids' films a lot and when The Spider-Man came out where Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield came back, the cinema, it was like everybody watching it was doing it together and people were cheering and shouting and the boys absolutely loved it And that felt like a sort of, I was like, oh, I'm so glad I've brought them here. Like, this is so fun.

33:26Clair Buckley:Did you get excited during the eight mile film? I think I've spoken about this about five times. We've done this. I'll say it again because I like to take the piss out of him. My mate Jack, who shouted choke in the cinema. Choke! I'm like, mate, oh God. I wanted to be like, not with him. Oh, no, I don't mind the cinema. Yeah, if you've got a problem with food in the cinema, you want to have the big screen experience, but you don't want to have it with other people, shell out some money, buy every ticket in a screening, and then you can have your own special little screening just for you and nobody will get on your nerves.

34:13True. What were we talking about? We're talking about crisps, Claire. Right, okay.

34:17Clair Buckley:Number one is popcorn. Again, not a crisp So it's a strange start Then he goes to King Crisps It's an Irish brand, best for a crisp sandwich Oh I love a crisp sandwich Yeah me too Fucking love a crisp sandwich, loads of butter, cheese and onion Three, Barbecue Beef Hula Hoops Is this really what's happening? Barbecue Beef Hula Hoops Do you know whose favourite crisp in the whole world that is? Harrison Yeah Jude's Knick Nacks Harrison loves a barbecue beef hula hoop only the big ones he's gone specific and this is where his cunasaur-ness comes in barbecue beef hula hoops the big ones let's face it small bags of crisps leave you wanting more hula hoops are tiny they are, it's one and a half mouthfuls but I tell you what, they fill them up hula hoops hula hoop bags are full I can eat hula hoops in 45 seconds.

35:16Okay.

35:16Clair Buckley:A whole bag. We'll do that next week. Maybe 30. Oh, okay. Because you know the way I eat them. Yeah, you drink them. I drink them, don't I? I'm so fucking hungry, guys. I'm starving, yeah. All we've done is talk about food. My belly has not stopped rumbling. Number four, coming in at number four, Monster Munch pickled onion flavour. Great size and flavour. Perfect. Then he goes, number five, Tato snacks. Right, there you go. I've got to get some of those. I don't think I've ever had any. But you can get them on Amazon. I don't think I've ever had any. I'd like to know what your top five crisps are.

35:50Clair Buckley:This is going to be an argument. This is going to be an argument. Top five crisps? Coming in at number one, Monster Munch, any flavour? That's your favourite? I'll take any flavour of Monster Munch, number one. Number two, probably Pringles, green or blue. Number three, your cheddar and chive kettle chips. Oh, sorry. I absolutely love those. Posh. number four discos salt and vinegar discos number five number five who's getting in sorry guys there's only one more spot left number five I'm going to have to go cheese and onion McCoys over the salt and vinegar McCoys well I've got my salt and vinegar there this is what I was I've got my salt and vinegar with the discos right fair fair yeah fair mine's is going to be a little bit more did you go for flavour and crisp or did you just do crisp no I did I did I did Pringles green and blue you can't remember that's like me picking between Jude and Harrison can I say something I've said this to you before I think Pringles are a shit crisp I love them I think they're shit number one for me my favourite crisp is probably roast chicken walkers so boring walkers roast chicken so boring fucking love them absolutely love them you've asked for you've asked for crisps you're like get me a bag of crisps roast chicken walkers so I get or Worcestershire sauce walkers so I've gone I've seen like because that's just such a boring crisp walkers are brilliant they're so flavourful the salt and vinegar the prawn cocktail they're all brilliant I need shapes I need something going on.

37:43Clair Buckley:But I've gone and got you. You go, I want roast chicken walkers. Yeah. And I've gone, surely she doesn't mean. Like, I'm going to the corner shop, making a special trip there. Is there a specific crisp that you want? Yeah. That seems so generic. No, that's so good, man. Like, it just seems like you might as well just get me a pack of crisps. No, they're well good. so I see the crisps roast chicken sensations no not for me they've got like they've got to be better than the bog standard no no no you're like what are these no crisps roast chicken no roast chicken walkers um number two

38:31Pickled Onion Monster Munch Three

38:37Pickled Onion Space Raiders

38:39Clair Buckley:Four Spicy Knick Knacks Five Sweet Thai Chili McCoys Oh they are good yeah They're the sort of teal blue Well good Right what's next I don't know man I'm going to have to stop and have something away. Parig, thank you very much for your... We got a lot of content. Not interesting content, but we got a lot of talking points off the back of your email, so we really appreciate it. We'll be back with a feature. Let's have a swipe. Hey, Claire. Yes, James. It's time for one of my favourite features. Why is that? It's time for Buckley's Law.

39:27Clair Buckley:just a reminder keep your laws coming in by emailing the Buckley's at platform media.uk or you can message us at the Buckley's pod on Instagram and TikTok so Buckley's law is where we talk about new rules new laws that we are going to what happened you yawning oh sorry that we're going to implement once we're in power. Yeah. Because it might happen. Might as well at this point. Politics these days seems to be so all over the fucking place. Anyone can give it a go. Charlie says, hi guys, I have a Buckley's Law for you. When in a supermarket or an express... Tesco. Tesco. Oh. I only go to big Tesco.

40:15Clair Buckley:Do you know that There's a Tesco near me called Tesco Extra. I say near me. It's where I grew up. I know. Where I grew up. Is this your secret flat with hot dog? No. I've got to stop talking. Yeah. When in a supermarket or an express, if you have less than five items and the person in front has a trolley full, you should be able to go first. Right. Okay. You asking my opinion? Just letting that settle. Just getting your immediate reaction to that. Yeah, okay. I'm with Charlie at the moment. Right, well, here's the thing, right? Big supermarkets, if you've only got a couple of things, you're probably going to self-check it, right?

40:57Yeah. They sort of take care of that.

40:59Clair Buckley:I want to get rid of those. I want to get rid of those. Oh, no, you need them now. The only reason I go into supermarkets is to stock up on beer. You need to call somebody. I go to the self-checkout and I've got to fucking deal with someone anyway. Yes, but if you've only got a couple of wee things, like if you've got like some crisps and a sandwich and a pint of milk or something right i would go to self-checkout do that yourself go yeah the only reason you're in a big queue where trolley full is it the normal check out yeah right there's only about three of them now well it depends honestly there's so there's so little little checkout people these days here's my opinion right and i would say i'm somewhat of a supermarket connoisseur right i know how things work i know how you're supposed to behave in a supermarket.

41:44Clair Buckley:Like me at the dump, sure. Exactly, right. If I'm in Asda, right, big Asda, big shop, right, and I'm at the checkout with a trolley full, if a guy comes behind me with a pint of milk, a loaf of bread in a newspaper, well, it depends how old he is. If he's old, I'll let him go in front. But that's your issue. I've been here all day. Listen, it is what it is. We're all here together. However, if I'm at a little co-op or a Tesco Express or something, and I've got maybe 10 or more... You've got a basket full. I'll let somebody go in front. 100 % I'll let somebody go in front. Yeah. Yeah. It depends the situation.

42:27Clair Buckley:I mean, what sorts this problem out is the 10 items or less queue. Yeah, they don't really have that any more. I feel like it's died out. Yeah, because they've got self-checkout. Yeah, I don't go to the supermarket that often. And when I do, because I hate food shopping, I absolutely hate it. Like, I just remember getting dragged around as a toddler. It was awful. Luckily, nowadays, if I do go into the supermarket, it is just to get a crate of beers. You're just in a quick round, yeah. And they are, it doesn't matter, and this is genius. And I'd like to salute the supermarket, I don't know, people, the supermarket, who do the layout of supermarkets, your fruit is right at the front, isn't it?

43:13Clair Buckley:Fruit's right at the front. Then in the middle... It's your cans, your baking... Yeah, but it depends where you go. It could be a different order. Right. Then it gets to breads or whatever. It could be a different order. Yeah, you don't know what order that's going to be in. But you know your fruit's at the beginning, and I don't need any of that. You know your beer's right at the end. Yeah, just before the frozen... Yeah, so I just walk... Any supermarket I go into, I just walk straight in, turn left, and walk all the way down to the end of the aisle, there's my beer, great, and I'm off, I'm away.

43:41Clair Buckley:And I just love that about supermarkets. Okay, fine, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when I go, I'm at the supermarket, do you need anything? You go, oh, we could do with some bow tie pasta or whatever it's called. What's the bow tie pasta called? What's the bow tie? Fusilli. No. Anyway, yeah, you'll ask for that. Maybe it is Fusilli. Fafali. Fafali, yeah, can I get some of that? then you don't know where you are then you've got to go through every aisle you don't know where you are anyway, Charlie goes on to say I always let someone in front of me if I have a big shop the amount of times I pop into the shop for a few bottles of beer a bottle of wine or just milk or something, I forgot I end up waiting for 15 minutes if someone stands with a full trolley trying to not make eye contact with me listen, I get what he's saying it does depend though if it's a big supermarket you're on your own if it's a if it's a wee shop then i'm i'm way i'm 100 if it's a big supermarket you're asking too much charlie then goes on to say if i wasn't a small foot four foot eleven woman and scared of confrontation they would defo get it so not like you then oh no that doesn't stop me mate no no no no uh abby is here anyway i think what we do Charlie sorry is that we we make the the 10 items or less a mandatory thing with a manned person there all were manned uh Abby says hi Claire and James my belly is rumbling so much I've started uh binge watching all the podcast episodes after I heard about it from a friend and a perfect Buckley's law came to me straight away I work in retail I've been there I've done that and believe the perfect law would be for it to be illegal for customers to tell you why they have the 5p when you're sorting their change oh yeah oh wait there i've got the 5p i just stand there and i'm like i don't know what this means now you don't know what this means 18 pounds five pence yeah and you go i've got the 5p so that then you just give that you round it up what was good was that But I would then type in, this costs£18 5p.

45:56Clair Buckley:They've given me£20 5p. And then the register would tell me, you just need to give them... Right, but£2. £2. But that's fine if they give you five pence. But sometimes, because I worked in bars for a long time, and sometimes they'll be like, oh, I've got 20 pence here. Yeah. And then I'm like, I don't know what that means. I don't know what this means then. Well, Abby's the same. Abbey says I work in retail I'm not Carol Valdeman as soon as they say one minute love I've got the 7p my heart sinks as I've already pressed the button that works that's where you get unstuck you just say I've already pressed the button that works out the change for me and now I have to take the 7p from them and work out their change as if working in retail isn't bad enough that tops it for me I always try and give them their change really quickly before they have a chance to avoid mathematical embarrassment love the podcast Brighton's my week yeah thanks Abbey no I don't like that we'll just you shouldn't be allowed to do that i agree let's let's let's outlaw that yeah just keep your change you might need it for something parking or a bit of chewing gum or something and i would i would make it law where if they go oh i've got the 7p that just goes straight in the cash register sure yeah yeah you don't get that back yeah also i think they should i think um breaking breaking knots people frown upon you didn't they like if you go in with a 20 pound knot and you you do need change for something so you buy like a packet of chewing gum people hate that people who work in shops hate that yeah i've done it before where i've gone into a shop i don't need any i don't need to buy anything but you just need change yeah and that's fair enough yeah could you could you get you break this and they go no you need to buy something you go cool yeah i get that no i don't Yeah, that's fine.

47:42Clair Buckley:And then you do get a packet of Wrigley's for 25p or something like that. Yeah, but they don't like it. Yeah. I go, well, mate. They don't like it. This is the dance. And then they give you... This is the game that we're playing. Yeah, no, I'm with that one. Your move. We've got one more here from Dom. Dom. Who says, I've got a Buckley's Law for you. And this also gets into train etiquette as well, which is classic Buckley's. ban leftovers on a train I appreciate everyone needs a snack and it's nice to have a bite to eat on a long train journey but when someone pulls out last night's chicken leftovers in a Tupperware and cracks it open to fill the carriage with meaty stink that's where I draw the line not to mention on this particular occasion the person proceeded to tuck into greasy chicken legs and loudly suck the chicken from the bone oh no I'd say that's a bit much for a train journey it is absolutely Dom yeah yeah Dom says it's a fine line but he crossed it get it banned it's done mate it's done there was a woman we've really found our people we have yeah there was a woman on the train that I was on a couple of weeks ago I think we were coming back from here no because I was by myself maybe you went for like lunch or something you like to do that to me after these James has always got something else today i was coming home and there was a woman across but just a little bit behind me honest to god she had like a five course meal she had like a little prawn packet then she did the thing where she pulled out a tupperware and it was like it fucking stank it was like bolognese or something right it was you could just tell it was leftovers obviously i kept like looking at her and then then came like a little pot of like fucking apple crumble or something then she had an apple honestly i was like just wait but no don't eat on public transport at all no right that's classic buckley's yeah let's call it a day thank god that's it for this week's episode thank you very much for listening remember you can get in touch with your stories and questions by emailing the buckley's at platform media.uk or you can message us at the buckley's pod on instagram and tiktok and don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show on Spotify or whatever podcast app that you like to use and if you are feeling extra generous why not go ahead and leave us a review all that is left is for my beautiful assistant Claire to say assistant hey well did you hear what I said when I introduced this onto the Palladium because I kept making jokes that I was going to say please welcome to the stage James Buckley and his wife Claire yeah that's how I'm always referred to but I said please welcome to the stage Claire Buckley and her wife James no I said her husband James right see you next Thursday see you next Thursday so Chase thanks for the Chase