Toxic Leadership Teams: What to Do When Your Peers Turn Against You

0:00Hello and welcome back to the Courageous Leaders Podcast brought to you by the Change Creators where we strengthen leadership teams, creating environments where people and profits can grow together. I'm Joanna Howes and one of the many things I love about this podcast is we can talk about the real messy and often unspoken challenges of leadership. And trust me, today we are going there. So a question, what happens when you don't get on with your peers on the leadership team? I don't mean just a bit of tension or disagreement. I'm talking about when it's personal, when you feel shut out, undermined or even actively pushed aside.

0:42Maybe you're dealing with passive aggressive behavior. Maybe you've been excluded from conversations. Or maybe, like me, you've experienced full blown public humiliation at the hands of your own peers. and I wish I'd know then what I know now. So I want to share my personal story with you. Years ago, I was on the exec team in Melbourne, Australia. I was brought in to run operations, which was a new role for the company and one I later learned didn't have complete alignment from all the team members. Very quickly, it became very clear that two of my peers just did not want me there. It was a whole new experience for me as I was previously at McCann London where the board all got on.

1:26Don't get me wrong, we had our disagreements but we were always in support of each other. So when this happened in Melbourne, I felt completely ill-equipped to know why this was happening and I had no idea what to do about it. Just a few examples to help you understand what were the sort of behaviours that were happening. They would call me out in meetings in a way just felt completely designed to embarrass me. They would exclude me from conversations that had a complete impact on my role. And when I tried to contribute and put my voice across, I was shut down immediately. But the worst part, no one else on the leadership team stepped in.

2:04Even those who could see what was happening, even the ones that later admitted in the corridor, yeah, that was out of line. No one wanted to rock their boat or get the attention on them. And here's what happens when you're in that situation. You start questioning yourself, asking things like, am I overreacting? Am I going mad? Maybe I'm not good enough to be here. What happened? I was great in my old job. What's happened now? What's wrong with me that I can't win them over? Because my God, did I keep trying to win them over? And that self-doubt, it eats a piece of you away every single day to the point where I ended up leaving with little to no confidence.

2:45And I'll be honest, it was a really hard time for me. It affects your everyday life, both in and away from work. And obviously being on the other side of the world, away from my family didn't help. So looking back, I wish I'd known how to handle it differently because there are ways to protect yourself, stay strong and come out the other side without losing yourself in the process. Thankfully, I have moved on from that experience. It did take a good year. And in one way, I'm grateful it happened as it has made me who I am today and my business wouldn't have existed without it. But it's definitely something I don't want others to have to experience.

3:22So today I want to share five things I'd wish I'd known. The first is stop trying to win them over. One of the biggest mistakes I made, I kept trying to prove my worth to them. I thought if I worked harder, if I show them I belong here, they'll respect me. I'm a very resilient person so I thought I could dig deep and find a way. But here's the truth, if some people have already decided they don't want you there, nothing you will do will change that. So instead of wasting your energy trying to win their approval which I did a lot of which only actually led to more humiliation, put the focus into your role.

4:03Stay focused on your purpose, your impact and the people who do value your leadership because they are there. This can be tough to do as questioning yourself and thinking of your peers can consume your every waking thought. But I promise it won't help you. They are not thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves and what they need to do or who do they need to remove to elevate themselves. So let it go. The second is find your allies. even if they're outside the room when you feel isolated in a leadership team it's easy to feel completely alone but you're not there are always people who can see what's happening even if they're not speaking up so go and find them build your support system outside that room it could be a mentor it could be another peer I had someone who was amazing from the finance department who supported me or it could be going to get a coach you need a space where you can be completely honest without fear of judgment.

5:03Because when you're being gaslit or excluded, having someone say, you're not crazy, this is happening and it's not okay, can be a game changer. And luckily, I did find two people who looked after me at the end and just helped me remove myself from that situation. The third is set boundaries and call out passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggression is one of the hardest things to deal with in a leadership team because it's so subtle. It's those backhanded compliments, the constant misunderstandings, the little digs that leave you questioning whether it was even happening or what's going on. What do I wish I'd done is just call it out rather than just take it.

5:45Not in an aggressive way, but in a way that makes it clear you are not playing that game. So if someone is constantly, you know, cutting you off in meetings, say, hey, I wasn't finished. I'd love to complete my thought. If someone makes a snide remark, say, that felt a bit pointed. Can we talk about that? What's actually going on? If decisions are being made behind your back, you could say, I'd like to be included in these conversations moving forward. Can we align how we communicate as a team? Call it out. You don't have to match their energy, but you do have to hold your ground. Now, I'm not saying this is easy, but if you don't call it out and put the question back to them, you will go on a downward spiral of just questioning yourself.

6:31Number four is protect your mental space. Don't let it consume you. This kind of situation can completely take over your head. You leave meetings rehashing every conversation. You lie up late night thinking, well, what did I do wrong? I had to play certain music just to get me prepared to be able to walk into the office and face the day. But here's what I've learned. You cannot control other people's behavior. However, you can control how much power you give it over your life. So set some mental boundaries. Don't let their negativity follow you home. Have a ritual to switch off from work and not spend all night talking about it.

7:13I did that it doesn't help. Get some external perspective so it doesn't consume you. The goal isn't to pretend it's not happening. The goal is to make sure it doesn't define you. And remember by reframing your thinking allows you to realize that it might not be a personal attack on you. And it's maybe more reflection of the background of this person. Something that really helped me come to terms with what's happening was someone said to me, only hurt people hurt people. When I heard that this behavior wasn't just directed at me, I understood it wasn't entirely personal, that something in their own experience had shaped the way they decided to treat others.

7:56This shift in perspective didn't excuse their actions, but it helped me manage my anger and approach this situation with empathy instead of resentment. So perspective is key. and lastly number five step in and call it out if you see this kind of behavior happening in your leadership team and you say nothing you are part of the problem I get it it's uncomfortable you don't want it to put you don't you know you don't put yourself in the firing line but leadership isn't about staying safe it's about doing the right thing so if you see someone being shut down excluded, publicly humiliated, don't just sit there.

8:35Back them up in that moment. Pull them aside afterward and let them know you saw what happened and ask how you can help. Challenge toxic behavior instead of enabling it with silence. Because if we want better leadership teams, we need to have braver leaders. We are all human beings and deserve to feel safe in the workplace. So here's a quick recap with five strategies to protect yourself. Number one, stop trying to win them over. Your energy is better spent elsewhere. Two, find your allies inside or outside the room. You need a support system. Three, set boundaries and call out passive aggressive behavior.

9:16Don't let it slide. Four, protect your mental space. Don't let this consume your life. And five, if you see it, step in. Leadership is about courage, not comfort. My final thought is to leave you with, remember you are not the problem. If you're in this kind of situation right now, I want you to hear this loud and clear. Toxic leadership dynamics say more about the people creating them than they say about you. Your job is to not make everyone like you. your job is to lead with integrity even when others don't and trust me when you do that you'll then attract the right people around you if this episode resonated with you then please like and share it with someone who needs to hear it and may need this help and click the subscribe button as it really does help us reach more leaders so keep leading courageously and i'll see you next time on the courageous leaders podcast