Andy Burnham, Manchester isn’t the only place in the North

0:02The Telegraph.

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1:11Poppy Coburn: Welcome to The Weekend Tea with me, Michael Deacon.

1:14Michael Deacon: And me, Poppy Copham.

1:25Michael Deacon: Michael, you were on holiday last week. How was Folkestone?

1:28Poppy Coburn: It was very nice, thank you. Did I miss anything?

1:30Michael Deacon: Yeah, just a few tiny bits here and there. We've got a new Prime Minister, Andrew Burnham, the King in the North. Oh, that's nice. We didn't win the World Cup, which I think you did predict last time, because you said we were going to win a match, and of course, whatever you say, the opposite ends up happening. So it's a very tragic time for the United Kingdom.

1:48Poppy Coburn: Well, the English part of it.

1:50Michael Deacon: Yeah, the English part of it. The rest seems very happy. Exactly. They're always happy when we lose. As you would know, being a Scot yourself. Traitor. Anyway, let's get on to our new Prime Minister. So Andy Burnham, King of the North. While you've been away, he has now been put in place without really a proper competition. Apparently 25 ,000 votes in Makerfield is enough to run the United Kingdom. Yeah, plenty of votes. And a couple of Labour MPs saying, oh, he's brilliant. I've always loved Andy. Just don't ask me what I was thinking about him a year ago. But no, he's brilliant. Fantastic. He's in the job.

2:17Michael Deacon: He's already started announcing a raft of policies he's going to put in. Two pound bus cap. We're going to end lots of money that we're apparently giving away on energy climate schemes. So Edmund Ban's not very happy. Pleasing to the Telegraph, he's going to be drilling in the North Sea. So maybe this is a happy time for the country. Andy Burnham, he's going to be our Soviet. But one policy that he has announced, which has been ruffling a few feathers, at least down south. Apparently, we need a number 10 in the north, specifically in Manchester.

2:46Poppy Coburn: Right. And I believe he has now actually gone and started working there, which surprised me. because when I first heard about this Number 10 North idea, I had a theory about it, which is that really he was just going to take all of the colleagues that he secretly doesn't like and send them all up there so he doesn't have to have anything to do with them. You know, instead of sending them to Coventry, send them to Manchester, which is even further than Coventry. Because that's what I would do if I was Prime Minister. I'd be going, right, you, you and you. Yes, especially you, Rainer. I want you to go and work in a very special new Number 10 that I've just set up in the Outer Hebrides because I feel that Scottish Highlands and Islands are really badly underrepresented by Westminster.

3:27Poppy Coburn: So I'd like you to travel about a thousand miles and stay there for the duration of my premiership.

3:32Michael Deacon: I think I'd go even further. I'd be like, you've got to go back to Australia. You know, let's go back to the good old days. We've put people in bondage, make them travel halfway across the world. And then you can just call in remotely because apparently that's fine.

3:41Poppy Coburn: We're just promoting links with the Commonwealth.

3:44Michael Deacon: Of course.

3:44Poppy Coburn: That's all it is. This is all it is.

3:46Michael Deacon: Have you not got the phone call yet from Andy Burnham with all these fantastic policy ideas.

3:50Poppy Coburn: Not yet, but it's early days.

3:52Michael Deacon: So yeah, the number 10 North idea I think is slightly performative because they've already opened up the office. I think it's in the same building as GCHQ North. Apparently there's lots of northern branded versions of places that are stuck in Manchester. And as far as I can tell, as you've just pointed out, it's a way to, A, punish civil servants who don't want to be there, and B, make sure that nothing actually gets done in government because people are stuck on trains trying to get down south to London, where the actual government is. So if this is the best of Andy Burnham's policies, God knows what we're in for in the next year.

4:24Poppy Coburn: Yeah, and I don't know about you, but I'm a bit sick of all this professional northerner stuff. I mean, because as I think I may have mentioned before, I was actually born in the Scottish Highlands. You're a proper northerner. As far as I'm concerned, Andy Burnham is a southerner and Newcastle is the Midlands.

4:37Michael Deacon: Yes.

4:37Poppy Coburn: So I don't want to hear any more talk about this.

4:39Michael Deacon: I do feel very bad for the Midlands.

4:40Poppy Coburn: Number 10 North. So it's just number 10 Upper South.

4:43Michael Deacon: Yeah, exactly. I mean, we know where we are in the South. We're always the bad guys. You know, we're the rich ones where all the money is apparently coming down here with us. So we've kind of got used to that. And the North gets like the cool of Oasis and it gets to slightly pretend it's got some kind of working class credibility. Not sure if that's true for a lot of people in Cheshire, but there you go. And then the Midlands just gets completely forgotten. Very sad. Yes.

5:04Poppy Coburn: Well, since we're on the subject of professional Northerners, Angela Rayner.

5:08Michael Deacon: Oh, yes. She's back.

5:09Poppy Coburn: She is back. She is back and she's in a little bit of trouble because she's refused to give back her£17 ,000 in severance pay, which she received when she had to resign only about a year ago over her tax affairs. And the reason she's under pressure is that when the Tories were in office, she was constantly attacking them for refusing to hand back their severance pay whenever they resigned or booted out or whatever. But she's saying, no, no, it's different because, well, I'm actually sure what her excuse is, because I'm Labour and they're Tories, I suppose.

5:40Michael Deacon: Michael, vapes are very expensive. I'll have you know. I think it's very expensive. Well, when she was doing the morning rounds on Friday, you could see that she had a brand new wardrobe, which I wonder if that's slightly to do with the fact she's not giving the money back. She's already taken the tags off of her new clothes. Right, I see. It's no longer possible. Sorry, taxpayers, but I've already got my makeover done.

6:00Poppy Coburn: She's wearing a 17 grand frock. Is that basically it?

6:03Michael Deacon: Yes, yeah. She's a woman of the people.

6:05Poppy Coburn: Right, well, Mrs Burnham will be feeling very envious, I'm sure.

6:07Michael Deacon: Well, speaking of men of the people, Nigel Farage, a little bit of lightness and joy here. He's been campaigning in Clacton. Obviously, the frontrunner in this election is him, closely followed by a man who's wearing a bin over his head, who we both hate. But there has been a fantastic video that everyone needs to watch. It's absolutely hilarious. Well, just send a couple of people over. She won't be doing that again in an hour. So this is absolutely hilarious. this woman who appears to be saying at least according to the little article at the bottom to Nigel Farage as he's out campaigning Hang on, are you allowed to say that?

6:45Michael Deacon: I think we're allowed to say what?

6:46Poppy Coburn: This is the Daily Telegraph, WF deeds will be rolling in his grave

6:49Michael Deacon: It's PG-13, I'm allowed to swear once

6:51Poppy Coburn: What will Simon Heffer say?

6:52Michael Deacon: Oh God, don't tell me that, I'm sorry Simon I don't know why I licked upwards as if he's out there in heaven, watching him down on me Sorry Simon, he's a fellow Essex boy so he won't mind.

7:02Poppy Coburn: Many decades to go

7:03Michael Deacon: But yeah, so she says, as he's out there campaigning diligently against a bin and immediately crashes in the back of someone else's car.

7:12Poppy Coburn: Yes, well, yeah, I enjoyed it too. But I actually think there's something we can learn from this. And I think this should be part of the driving test from now on. Because there are so many hated politicians around nowadays. I think actually young people learning to drive should have to demonstrate that they can drive past an unpopular politician. doesn't have to be Nigel Farage, by the way, could be Ed Miliband, could be, I mean, could be Keir Starmer, you know, now that he's got nothing else to do. You've got to demonstrate that you can fling a volley of abuse out of your window without ploughing into the vehicle in front.

7:45Poppy Coburn: Yeah, you've got to make a three-point turn

7:46Michael Deacon: as you're watching Tony Blair present a lectern about how he's going to be able to save Britain again. And if you can do that, you've got your driving licence and also you're immune from getting points for the next 10 years. There you are, there you are.

7:57Poppy Coburn: Sensible policy for happier Britain.

7:59Michael Deacon: Well, speaking of hated politicians, Wes Streeting, also in the news, sorry, Wes, that's kind of a slightly mean transition to make, he's also gone in hot water where he was caught on a hot mic and he appears to be making some kind of comments about the early prisoner release scheme.

8:13Poppy Coburn: Yes, joking about letting them out earlier and that kind of thing. Now, I know that Wes Streeting has apologised for this and Shabana Mahmood as well because they were the ones who were sharing the joke, but I think I'm going to have to surprise you here. I'm going to actually defend Labour politicians for once. Two reasons. Number one, their excuse, which I'm willing to buy, is that they were just referring to a joke by Theresa May because when Theresa May was Home Secretary, Ken Clarke was Justice Secretary, she used to joke that I lock them out and he lets them out, basically. And you'd think people would remember that because the very fact of Theresa May making a joke is itself a historic milestone.

8:45Poppy Coburn: Once in a lifetime situation. You know, exactly that. So I'm willing to buy that they were just, you know, quoting Theresa May. But also, and I think the more important point, is that I've written about 2 ,000 columns in my career here attacking people of the left for getting outraged and offended by innocent jokes. So I can't very well turn around now and say, oh, my goodness, what an appalling joke. I'm offended. It's so inappropriate. I mean, you know, if we're going to fire people for inappropriate jokes, I'm not going to be here much longer, am I? So, OK, I'm going to let them off that.

9:15Michael Deacon: You know what, Michael, I actually completely agree with you. Really? Oh, that's good. I have my own reasons for this. Because of my generation, every single thought we ever had when we were teenagers was posted online. And many of those thoughts, and indeed perhaps all of them, were incredibly stupid and obnoxious. And so I'm incredibly reluctant to take people to task for things that they say privately, slightly unjust. Because, I mean, everyone is like this. You're not going to talk to your boss in the same way that you will speak to like a family member or a close friend. You do occasionally say things that are pretty unsavoury.

9:45Michael Deacon: Perhaps someone's savoury could even get arrested in Britain. I think the threshold is quite low. And so I think it's a little bit mean to, you know, obviously don't say things when you're actually mic'd up. We're mic'd up right now, so we've got to be careful.

9:56Poppy Coburn: This is actually turning into quite a pro-Labour sort of edition. What is happening at the Daily Telegraph?

10:02Michael Deacon: I blame these Germans. Next week, it's going to be a red teapot, and it's going to be sponsored by Ed Miliband, the Daily Tea, weekend tea. Right, still to come, is the BBC actually worth it? And is Prince George about to become a stroppy teenager?

10:19Nirav Modi was a billionaire diamond tycoon whose jewelry was worn by Hollywood stars like Kate Winslet. But in 2018, he was accused of masterminding one of the world's biggest ever bank frauds, and he disappeared. This is the extraordinary story of the rise and fall of Nirav Modi and of how we caught him. He was in the news all the time. Where is Nirav Modi? Why can we not find him? He's one of the most sought-after criminals in India. You owe a lot of people a lot of money, Mr Modi, who would very much like to know where you are. Sorry, no comment. The Indians will think we're a laughingstock.

10:59Here we are seven years later still speaking about this case. They think it's a sham. The Diamond King, a new podcast from The Telegraph. With me, Mick Brown. And me, Robert Mendick. Out now.

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12:54Michael Deacon: So, Michael, you've written your column on Gary Lineker this week.

12:58Poppy Coburn: That's right. Gary Lineker has joined forces with a lobby group called Patriotic Millionaires, and these are a group of extremely wealthy celebrities and public figures who are always bitterly complaining that they've got far too much money and they want the government to take more of it away from them. Essentially, they've written an open letter here to the government saying, as millionaires, we have a clear message for you. Our new Prime Minister, Andy Burnham, tax us. We can afford it. We just want to help her reduce inequality, invest in sustainable jobs, strengthen our beloved NHS, all that sort of thing.

13:31Poppy Coburn: I was quite struck by this plea from these rich celebrities because, as a matter of fact, maybe they just don't know this. but if they want to pay extra tax they can do so today they can just go to the hmrc website and they can donate as much as they like voluntarily to the treasury they could donate every penny they own if they want to so they can do that now they don't need to wait for the new chancellor to deliver his first budget in a few months time they can do it today i'm surprised they didn't know

13:55Michael Deacon: that well don't you just think it's like a massive humblebrag i mean even the name oh yes we're patriotic millionaires i mean it includes gary stevenson he's like this youtube influencer he's about how he was the best effing trader in the world. He went to the best effing university in the world. I just feel like a lot of this is just reminding everyone, hey, I'm famous and I have loads of money. And not only that, I'm a good person.

14:17Poppy Coburn: I'm a really wonderful, compassionate, kind person. The other thing that surprised me about Gary Lineker getting involved, though, is that it's only three years ago where HMRC actually came after him because they were demanding an extra, I think,£4.9 million from him because they felt he should have been paying more tax than he was. Gary Lineker actually fought HMRC and he won. Now, it turned out that he did not owe that extra£4.9 million, but I'm just a bit surprised. He didn't say, well, hang on, hang on, HMRC. Look, I don't owe a penny of that extra money, but you know what? I'm going to let you have it anyway.

14:50Poppy Coburn: I'm going to give you all£4.9 million because you know what? I just want to reduce inequality. I want to invest in sustainable jobs. I want to strengthen our beloved NHS. So you could just take it, even though I don't owe you this money. Have it. Have more.

15:03Michael Deacon: well speaking of wasted money the bbc you obviously i think you would have missed this because you're on holiday um but in the middle of the world cup there was this long advert the bbc put on just reminding us how fantastic our state broadcaster are and it was romesh regga nathan he's supposed to be a national treasure and they love to shove national treasures down off the bbc regardless of whether or not you like them just talking about how brilliant they are and how you should all pay your license fee because look at the fantastic television they've been producing but apparently this has upset quite a few people within the corporation itself right yes

15:34Poppy Coburn: yes because there's a lot of staff unhappy because they think that that advert looks pretty expensive it's four minutes long and it's got around two million different famous faces in it and it's hard to imagine they would have given their time for free because they're not all like gary line they're not all philanthropists like him no of course gary line isn't even out of the bbc anymore but anyway yes i believe that to some staff the bbc a little bit cross to their bosses because say, well, hang on a minute. You've given us below inflation pay rises. You're laying people off. And yet it looks as though you're spending an awful lot of money on this advert.

16:05Poppy Coburn: Do you mind telling us how much it actually cost? And I believe their bosses haven't told them. They haven't been willing to divulge that information. So we don't know. But it does look jolly expensive, doesn't it?

16:14Michael Deacon: I really think so. I think we should now think of money in terms of how many people pay the licence fee terms. Like 300 people's licence fee went towards this silly advert that we all had to watch if we wanted to watch the second half of the World Cup.

16:26Poppy Coburn: Thanks, BBC. Well, I sort of think that no matter what this new advert costs, even if it was completely free, I think it was a mistake. And that's because it's actually a remake of an advert that the BBC made 40 years ago in 1986, and for the same purpose of saying you should all pay your licence fee. It's fantastic value for money. And I think older viewers will remember that advert, and if they don't, they will hop onto YouTube to refresh their memory because it is there, and they will look at the 1986 version of this same advert and they'll think, oh my goodness, the BBC used to be an awful lot better then.

16:56Poppy Coburn: So I tell you, you know who they've got in that advert? The 1986 original, okay, it's presented by John Cleese, okay? It's got Ronnie Barker, Alan Wicker, David Attenborough, Terry Wogan, Patrick Moore, Shakespearean actor Michael Horden, Moira Stewart's on there, and people are just going to re-watch that, I think. I think, no offence to Romesh, no offence to Vernon Kaye and Mr Tumble and all the celebs that are in the 2026 versions advert, But I kind of feel in 1986, BBC had a slightly higher calibre of talent.

17:25Michael Deacon: So the BBC doesn't want to remind you that it used to be really fantastic because it's too depressing.

17:30Poppy Coburn: There you are. So I think it was a mistake to do the remake, I'm afraid.

17:32Michael Deacon: Well, BBC staff aren't the only workers who are very irritated at the moment. There's been a fantastic employment tribunal, which really gives you an insight into what work is like in modern Britain, where people are complaining because their bosses are telling them that when they are working from home, sat there in their pyjamas and munching on biscuits, they have to at least do the courtesy of putting a shirt on the top half of their body and turn the camera on when they're on a Zoom video, which I think is quite reasonable. But apparently, no, that's a terrible violation of workers' rights.

18:00Poppy Coburn: All right, the Zoom call thing. Yeah. Zoom call thing. Right, OK. Cross-neck. I've got to tell you something. I actually kind of sympathise with these workers, simply because I personally, as I think you well know, and our poor producers well know, off air, I'm always complaining about having to be on camera. I hate being on camera. I hate this modern trend of podcasts having to be videos. I mean, it used to be podcasts was something you just listened to, right? We need to animate you. When you're on a train or you're out for a walk.

18:26Michael Deacon: We need to have an animated Michael Deacon.

18:27Poppy Coburn: Who on earth wants to look at me while I'm talking? When you're wearing a shirt, I don't. Well, okay. Here we go again with the shirt. Maybe they want to look at you. Fine. I don't think people want to look at me. I don't want to look at me. So I'm in no position to have a go at these poor staff who hate being on Zoom. You've read Michael this week.

18:42Michael Deacon: I'm sympathising with the workers, let Angela Rayner wear her nice uniform if she wants to, Wes Streeting's a decent man. Has something happened on this holiday? Have you been tapped up by some kind of foreign agency? Andy Burnham, yeah. Andy Burnham.

18:54Poppy Coburn: He's sending me to number 10 Scotland, yeah.

18:57Michael Deacon: Well, I'm still loyal to King and Country and in Royals News, Prince George has just turned 13. Isn't that very sweet? There's a lovely photo that's been produced of him, looking very handsome and sweet. And your son, I think, not quite turned 13, but he's back to 17. He's six months younger,

19:12Poppy Coburn: Yeah, so he'll be turning 13 in March next year. And so I do have a sort of a little word of advice to the Prince and Princess of Wales, because they might be thinking to themselves, oh, my goodness, we're about to have a son who's a teenager for the first time. What's this going to be like? And perhaps being a similar age to me, they will remember the very famous Harry Enfield. Even I remember this. Kevin the teenager, where, you know, one moment he's a very, very sweet little 12-year-old boy. and then midnight strikes, it's his birthday, and he turns into this horrific, sullen, galumphing teenage boy, just like that.

19:44Poppy Coburn: And maybe they're worried that Prince George is going to be like that. But actually, I just want to reassure them, these days, psychologically speaking, children do not become teenagers at the age of 13. They become teenagers about the age of eight now. That's when their minds get teenagers, their behaviour goes teenage. So I'm not just referring to my own son there. I'm thinking of nieces and nephews and my friend's children. We've all noticed this pattern. Kids become teenagers while they're in primary school nowadays. So what we're all hoping is that they not only become teenagers earlier, they stop being teenagers later.

20:17Poppy Coburn: So my fingers crossed that when my son turns 13 next year, he will suddenly become a mature and debonair man of the world and we shall sit down calmly together to discuss current affairs and culture and things like that.

20:28Michael Deacon: That's a lovely image. By the time he's 30, he'll be walking around with slippers and a pipe, with a newspaper folded up over his arm.

20:34Poppy Coburn: No more interesting PlayStation or TikTok or any of that sort of thing. That's certainly not fun.

20:38Michael Deacon: Just speedrunning the awkward part. That's quite pleasant.

20:40Poppy Coburn: Let us discuss opera.

20:41Michael Deacon: Well, this has been far too wholesome. I think we should talk about something that's going to make us really, really annoyed. This is the stupid influencer. There's a great photo of this. He's managed to climb up a mountain with a bath, which he's then taken lots of photos in, grinning like an absolute lunatic. And he then left the bath on the top of the mountain. And the reasoning he gave for this is, no, no, I wasn't fly tipping. I just got so many messages of people that were filled with Banff's joy that thought what I did was so fantastic that they also wanted to take a photo in this bath on the top of a mountain.

21:12Michael Deacon: Apparently that's not a very good excuse and he's potentially going to get fined quite a bit of money because it is fly tipping and you have just left a bath on top of a natural beauty spot.

21:22Poppy Coburn: Yes, it is quite a stupid and annoying thing to do. Although I will say in his defence it's better than all those people who climb Mount Everest and leave dead Sherpas everywhere.

21:29Michael Deacon: Very rude of them. Yes. Very, very rude of them. That's real littering. Littering, littering.

21:33Poppy Coburn: There you go. So, you know, it could be worse.

21:35Michael Deacon: And it's quite nice of the bath. It was taken down by a Cardiff rugby team. So they managed to carry it down the mountain for them.

21:41Poppy Coburn: They've just, part of their training, they just jog up a mountain and pick up a bath together and jog down again.

21:48Michael Deacon: They described it as a team building exercise, which I think is very, very quaint. I love the idea of these quite buff rugby guys carrying a bath on their shoulders all down, like a funeral house or something. But it's not a very happy story for the influencers. He's been told that he's probably going to be flying because he has just been fly-tipping. And he told media that he hasn't got any money and he's in his overdraft, so can he do some volunteering instead? Isn't that fantastic? He could be like a modern-day Sisyphus. You have to keep carrying the bath up and down the mountain until he feels sufficiently sorry.

22:18Poppy Coburn: Or they'll send him to carry a dead Sherpas down Mount Everest.

22:20Michael Deacon: Oh, my God. Well, on that very happy note, you're going to be on holiday again, aren't you? Yes, I know.

22:26Poppy Coburn: I'm a real jet-setter, aren't I?

22:27Michael Deacon: Oh, international lifestyle.

22:29Poppy Coburn: Yeah, well, I'm a little bit worried because they've got this new sort of, what is it, this new system for entering EU countries.

22:35Michael Deacon: Yes, the hated new digital ID system, which apparently doesn't work.

22:39Poppy Coburn: And you have to stand there for hours on end and then you miss your flight and all the rest of it. So I'll tell you what, this will be my first experience of that. So I'll report back if I actually get back.

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23:54Get up to 80 % off area rugs and up to 60 % off outdoor and bedroom furniture. Shop Wayfair's huge selection of styles and find the piece to fit your style, budget, and space. Plus, free shipping. Black Friday in July ends July 27th. Shop today at Wayfair.com.