Brand Sussex: they're just selling being famous

0:02The Telegraph.

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0:44Poppy Coburn: In 2023, a source sent me a tip. It tied baseball's biggest star to a vast, illegal sports betting operation. Shohei Otani! But then someone surprising confessed to me, his best friend. I'm Yipei Mizuhara and you do have permission to record me. From 30 for 30 Podcasts, this is The Betrayal of Shohei Otani. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts.

1:17Hello and welcome to The Weekend Tea with me, Poppy Coburn.

1:20Poppy Coburn: And me, Michael Deacon.

1:31We have big news.

1:32Poppy Coburn: Yes. Harry and Meghan are coming home. It's massive news. I mean, I'm surprised the government didn't text us all about it. It's quite incredible. I think maybe Andy Burnham's changed the password. I think Andy Burnham... I'm not really saying it. But anyway, yes, massive. Andy Burnham will be even more unpopular if he says, yeah, we didn't win the World Cup, so that's not coming home. But remember those two people that you hate and everyone really didn't want to come back from America? Yeah, they're going to come back and maybe you're going to have to pay for their security as well. Big success.

2:00Poppy Coburn: You're making this sound like a very negative story. I'm happy to have them back. Are you? I think this is lovely. Well, the reason I mention this is I may have a possible second Telegraph scoop here from me, OK? Because I read in our story, OK? The family intends to relocate from the US later this month to a private, non-royal residence thought to be outside London. And I thought, hang on a minute. just so happens on my road in gravesend north kent a house quite nice house came up in the market recently saying two let and just the other day it said it's now been let but nobody on our road knows who it's let to and i'm starting to put two and two together here because by the way it's a nice house it's four beds it it is detached it's got double garage yeah it's got a barbecue around the back and i had a look at the advert online and it said that it's on for over two grand a month so I thought it was bound to be someone posh so what what do you reckon what's better Montecito or Kent I'm about to have some very exciting new neighbours I think and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry and Meghan chose to come and live on my street I mean number one at Gravesend's got a lot to offer we've got Wetherspoon we have got a 24-hour Asda we've got a really big Primark actually of four floors I can see that appealing to Meghan yeah quite a lot she's going to feel at home and also I would imagine you know coming back to the UK after six years a lot of controversy it's going to be tricky for them so i think that they'll want to be close to someone who's always shown them a lot of sympathy been very supportive i've offered them a lot of guidance down the years in many columns and i'm sure harry and megan therefore will have taken that to heart and they'll want to be close to me so if they ever want to come around to borrow a cup of sugar or whatever little housewarming party maybe i'm looking forward to it well we know they're not going to be in a royal residence and i think i suppose it beats having to live next to andrew so why not Gravesend?

3:47Poppy Coburn: I can confirm Andrew is not living in Gravesend neither are William and Kate even though you've been telling them letters like come over for the barbecue there you go so I'm hoping to have better luck with the younger brother yeah basically there you go I have to say I'm incredibly confused by aspects of this story for one we all know that they're paying for their very expensive no doubt security operations their three houses that they have around the world that's not exactly cheap that's not a cheap outfit especially if you're not a working royal anymore, which you know Prince Harry is not. So they've had to do the brand Sussex thing, right?

4:20They're just selling, being famous. They're the Kim Kardashian of the royal world. Surely they can't do that when they're in the United Kingdom.

4:27Poppy Coburn: Yeah, well, they're going to have to find some way of making money. I've been pondering this. I do remember something that I learned last year. It was in Vanity Fair magazine, January 2025. The incredible story they had in there. Now, we all know that Meghan once presented her own podcast. Now, it was all about strong, independent women. And unfortunately, it was incredibly boring and nobody liked it. It got very poor ratings. But Vanity Fair revealed that, believe it or not, Harry also pitched his own podcast ideas. Sadly, neither of them got made. But I can tell you, and I'm not making this up.

5:00Poppy Coburn: This was in Vanity Fair. OK, so he had two ideas. One of them, he wanted to make a weekly podcast about sociopaths. And what that would involve is that every episode, he would invite a different famous public figure who he considers to be a sociopath. Oh, so not like a doctor. It's just he personally doesn't think that's a... And he would just ask them, you know, what's it like being a sociopath? How did you become a sociopath? That sort of thing. What's wrong with you? He supposedly drew up a dream list of celebrity guests, including Mark Zuckerberg, Donald Trump, and my favourite, Vladimir Putin.

5:30Poppy Coburn: Oh, that's a good one. Now, we know Vladimir Putin, he is a big fan of freedom of the press, so he's always granting interviews. I'm sure he'd been very happy to come and chat, particularly about how evil he is, because essentially that's what it would be. Yes, of course, Harry, I would be delighted to come and talk to you about what a sociopath, in fact, to be honest, psychopath I am. That sounds great. But for whatever reason, that podcast idea did not get greenlit. It did not get off the ground. Just because it didn't work for Harry doesn't mean he can't work for The Telegraph. He can't in the latest.

5:54Poppy Coburn: Our head of audio and video, Matt Bailey, is always looking out for exciting new ideas. So, Harry, if you're watching, our door is always open. Oh, you're going to get absolutely sick of him. He's going to live next year. He's going to be podcasting with you. We could at the very least do with a bit more holiday cover for our podcast here because, you know, Tim Stanley can't do it all. The man's overworked as it is. So let's give Tim a bit of a break every now and again. Get Prince Harry in. But I haven't even got on to Harry's second idea, which I'm sorry to say also didn't get made. And again, I'm quoting Vanity Fair magazine.

6:23Poppy Coburn: In each episode, Harry would fix something, ranging from a flat tyre to global warming. Wow. I mean, genuinely, right, people might misunderstand you and think I'm taking the mickey. I would not at all. I would love to see that podcast, wouldn't you? I would pay the£5 million security bill personally if I can see Prince Harry try to put a tyre back into a car or indeed how he would go about fixing global warming. I mean, are we just following him around with a camera? It wasn't completely clear from the article in Vanity Fair whether he would be challenged to actually fix global warming in one episode.

7:00Poppy Coburn: Yeah. I don't know, across maybe half an hour or an hour. He could have a budget of£120. And at the end of the hour they say, right, have you fixed it or not? I don't know. There were no further details. And maybe we'll never know because it didn't get made. But I still hold out hope. I think genuinely, I would watch that, wouldn't you? So, yeah, brilliant. So I think that's one possibility because they've got to do something to end with it. Well, at least it's a nice PR story because you rarely hear stories about people wanting to enter Britain in a legitimate fashion. But for the many, many people who enter our country in an illegitimate fashion, And there's been quite a, what's the word I would use for this, insane news story about some of the guidance that the government is giving to our illegal migrants crossing over?

7:45Poppy Coburn: Yes. Now, this is an official home office leaflet that they give to illegal immigrants slash asylum seekers, telling them that in Britain, it's really not on to rape women and children. I mean, I guess it's good that they're telling them. Actually telling them, in this country, it's actually against the law. In case you didn't realise, our culture is maybe a little bit different than yours. And it's important when you move to a new country. It's important to fit in, isn't it? It's important to integrate. You want to learn about the local customs. Some of those customs you may find a little bit eccentric.

8:15Yes, we drive on this side of the road. We like to do queuing. We don't rape kids. All these classic British habits.

8:22Poppy Coburn: It's quite quirky, quirky British eccentricities there. But anyway, this is a genuine home office leaflet given to asylum seekers. and it says, for example, I've got a quote from it here. Child abuse is against the law. If you break this rule, you could be arrested by the police and this could affect your asylum claim. Now, I'm interested in using the word could there, not will. Like you will be arrested or you will be deported straight away. We don't want child rapists in this country. No, it's just it could. It could affect your asylum claim. Maybe it won't. That's classic civil servants. We'll talk about it.

8:56Poppy Coburn: We'll talk it over. We'll chat and we'll see. And, you know, maybe we'll say, oh, go on, give them another chance. I mean, that's a classic civil servant thing, isn't it? It's like, just so we're covering all bases, because obviously we haven't got any space in our prisons, and we don't really like punishing criminals, even if we could. So just to be completely clear here, there's a 50-50 odds. There you are. That if you do rape a child, you'll have to leave. But, you know, do you want to take those odds? You've already crossed halfway across the world. You've managed to illegally smuggle yourself into this country.

9:23Is code strong enough to put you off?

9:25Poppy Coburn: Yeah, I mean... A bit concerning. I mean, some people might be asking if these men have to be told that rape is bad and that child abuse is bad, are we sure it's sort of a good idea to let them into the country at all? You know, and even if the Home Office is willing to let them in, are they sure that a leaflet is enough to make these men change their ways? Like the men are going to read the leaflet and go, oh, wow, apparently it says in Britain they think rape is bad. Oh, I've never really thought you'd like that before. I've never really stopped to think. Weird. It does kind of add a bit of pathos to the idea that all the people who are trying to enter the country illegally are victims.

10:02Because it does kind of seem that actually if we let them in here, we are creating more victims. Who I suppose we could then just ship to other countries. We'll just create an endless cycle of victimisation by just moving people around the globe and reminding them that rape is maybe not a communication.

10:16Poppy Coburn: And also, does the Home Office think this was what really caused the grooming gang scandal? It's just that if only we'd given these men some leaflets, they just didn't know. Forgot to drug Muffin Mother in. How were they to know that, you know, drugging and raping children is generally frowned upon in England? It's not considered cricket. We live in such a safetyist culture. Every time you go to a train station, it's like, make sure you bring a water bottle. When the weather's hot outside, please de-mind the steps, mind the closing doors. I assume that at some point we're going to have, make sure that when you are walking through the train station that you don't plant a bomb, try not to molest anyone on the way.

10:51Although as I say that, I realise that we already have these, thanks to Sadiq Khan, if you do travel on the chief, they do tell you not to molest any women who are sitting next to you.

11:00Poppy Coburn: Do not violate your fellow passengers. Don't you just love being precious? There you are. For some reason, they write all of these warnings in English, though. And it always seems to be a young white woman who's the person doing these horrible crimes. They're very dangerous, these young white women. I try to stay away from them. That's why there's so much space between us in the day. Right, well, still to come, why is Ricky Gervais getting married? And is it a police matter if you accidentally buy zero alcohol gin?

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13:48Poppy Coburn: Anyway, Poppy, Andy Burnham has had a bright idea. He has pledged to end rough sleeping over Christmas. So for the festive season, he's going to make sure there's not a single person in Britain who is sleeping rough. He's going to figure out where to accommodate them. We don't have the details yet, but this is his big plan for Christmas. We don't know how he's going to do it, but if he's looking for ideas, he could actually ask some green councillors in, I believe they're in Norfolk, I think. And anyway, they have decided to remove the armrests from park benches so that the homeless can sleep on them more comfortably.

14:25Poppy Coburn: Now, that's very well-meaning. I know the Greens are always such well-meaning, good-natured people. They're just trying to be compassionate. But I've got to admit, I don't think I understand the idea. How does that work? Picture a park bench here. The armrests are at the end, right? I'd have thought, I admit, I have never slept on a park bench. but if I was going to, I'd probably want the armrest because you need something to rest your head on, right? I have a funny few years. I think we'd actually be less comfortable if it was totally flat and there was no armrest. Am I getting this right? Unfortunately, we don't actually have a park bench in the Telegraph office and therefore we can't try this out.

14:56Poppy Coburn: So we're just going to have to imagine it. But can you explain this to me? I will try and replicate it in my mind the best as I possibly can. I think this is a reference to an idea that a lot of young left-wing people got completely obsessed with a few years ago, which is hostile architecture. so there are some benches in London that you will notice there's armrest here armrest there but in the middle there's an another armrest right I just assume that's because when you do sit down on a park bench there's always some weirdo that then wants to get real close up next to you or maybe that's just a problem that's what I would have guessed actually or if you're at St James's Park you might be a pelican and they do smell worse so I assume that's what they were there for but apparently not no no no we are such a horrible fascist cruel state towards our homeless people that they put them there so people cannot sleep rough on them overnight.

15:41So I assume what this wonderful Green Party member is trying to do is to make it much easier for homeless people to sleep outside, which does raise a few questions. One of which being, is our solution to the housing crisis to turn park benches into houses?

15:56Poppy Coburn: I mean, at what point does it actually become a house that can be rented out to young people in London for£700 a month? Are they going to put a tarpaulin over it, get a heater going, maybe get a wash at the very least a pillow a pillow is quite basic yeah but the thing is if you provide all of you know pillows and blankets or whatever for people to sleep on park benches then people will sleep on park benches and your parks will be full of homeless people sleeping on every bench I mean there won't be anywhere to sit down for anyone else and people might not feel so keen to actually go to the park because it's full of homeless people sleeping on benches I don't know I think you can quite quickly see this being to okay so we need to bring back our park benches and the solution to this because obviously it's very cruel and mean to move people on, which is what the police used to do before it was made illegal.

16:41We're just going to build beds outside. You know, there'll be open air beds that people can just have a nap in. I imagine they're going to get pretty dirty quite quickly. But is that not a compassionate plan?

16:50Poppy Coburn: Yes. I have to say, I don't have the answer to this, but maybe we'll find out at Christmas. You know, you see lots of men sleeping on park benches covered in snow. I know Andy Burnham has been listening to the Greens of Norfolk. Anyway, should we move on to something more cheering? Yes, please. Which is climate change. Here we are now. Richard Tice, who is the deputy leader of Reform UK, has been saying actually he's really been enjoying the heat waves, the wonderful heat waves this summer. And he thinks we should all stop worrying about climate apocalypse and all this woke nonsense. And, you know, look on the bright side of the heat waves.

17:21Poppy Coburn: Oh, all right, there's some downsides, you know, farms, crops destroyed and wildfires, blah, blah, blah. But on the plus side, English wine is better than it's ever been. I'll quote him here. He said, if it means that English wine and sparkling wine gets better and better, fantastic. That means we can take on the French. Fantastic. The thing is, you might think he's being clippant. He is right, though. English wine has got better and better and better. And this is one of the reasons. I did see that the Labour Party had clipped up Richard Tice talking about the benefits of climate change. And they made an attack ad on it, which is Andy Burnham standing there, his lovely eyelashes kind of fluttering in the wind, looking very stern and kind of saying, look how horrible and irresponsible Reform UK are for saying this.

18:02But you are completely spot on, Michael. Of all the things that have changed in this country over my lifetime, they've all gotten worse. Everything seems to be going down the pipes. The only thing that I have to look forward to is the idea that I'm not going to have to get on a Ryanair flight in 20 years time because it will be lovely and toasty here in the UK and the rest of the world will be on fire. But for Kent, Kent will be like the French Riviera. It will be absolutely glorious.

18:25Poppy Coburn: Well, you see, again, you wonder why Harry and Meghan are coming to live with me in Gravesend. Oh, that's smart. They've heard. They're thinking, oh, the Thames. That is the English Riviera. As we say, English wine getting better and better and if the temperatures keep rising soon, we'll be enjoying some delicious Scottish wine. And then a few years after that, lovely Faroese wine, Icelandic wine and ultimately Arctic wine, assuming the Arctic's still there. Yes, the last person standing on the North Pole will be having a wonderful glass of chilled sparkling wine before they sink into the mega ocean that now covers planet Earth.

18:57Poppy Coburn: What a wonderful vision. Thank you. You've cheered me right up. So let's talk about Ricky Gervais. Ricky Gervais is getting married. despite saying multiple times over his career that he never wanted to do so. Do you know why he's decided to do this? I do know this, and it's for extremely romantic reasons. Oh, yes. Which is that he wants to reduce his future widow's inheritance tax bill. Oh, what a patriot. I think it's very touching. It's very moving. He has been together with the novelist Jane Fallon for 40 years, more than that, I think, actually, and they were never, ever going to marry. They just weren't into that.

19:30Poppy Coburn: They think it's an outdated institution, blah, blah, blah. And what's the need? you know we share everything anyway we're together we're not going to split up etc but i've got to say i think he's absolutely right to get married at last but not just because it is tax efficient highly tax efficient but also it gives him something that we can actually call the woman he's in a relationship with because i hate the word partner i absolutely hate it what's wrong with the word partner it's so naff and sort of vaguely guardian-y and also it makes it sound like Your relationship sounds like it's some kind of business venture, you know, sort of my partner, meet my partner.

20:04Poppy Coburn: Like you're part of a very small law firm. Yes. But also, you can't say girlfriend, can you? No. Ricky Gervais and Jane Fallon, I think, are both 65 years old. You can't say, here's my girlfriend. As soon as you've got grey hair, it's just wrong. It's just wrong. So, partner, hate it. Girlfriend, boyfriend, that's not... Soulmate? Weird. Soulmate? This is my soulmate? Particularly not if it isn't your soulmate. You know, there's a couple of people who are, let's say, not terribly sentimental. I mean, if they think that marriage is unnecessary. I share a bed with them. They probably don't use words like soulmate.

20:34Poppy Coburn: So what other words? The only word really is wife and husband as well for him. So it would just, if they got married, it would really help if we have to write stories about them, you know. I don't want to use the word partner. I don't think you can quite just reduce it down to husband and wife. I think we should give it a little bit more detail, which is, hello, nice to meet you. This is my wife for tax purposes. and you just have that all together as a bit of a loan word. Yeah, okay. Well, I like that. I think that's very reasonable. I think there's something that we do need to talk about that's very important news, which is this horrific story, which seems to come up time and time again, which is people queuing at pubs.

21:08Like, is it queuing in a straight line instead of getting their sharp elbows out?

21:12Poppy Coburn: In a straight line, yes. Yes, now this, yeah, I can't stand it. Now, this is really a hangover, so to speak, of lockdown, of the pandemic. You know, people got into the habit of queuing And when the pubs reopened just after lockdown, they had the little stickers on the floor saying, you know, stand 25 feet apart and all this. And I guess people, particularly younger people, just got into this habit of standing in lines. But it's infuriating. First of all, it's annoying because, you know, if you're not in that queue, it's impossible to walk across the pub because there's a bloody great line of people blocking the way, right?

21:46Poppy Coburn: That's annoying. But also it's stupid because it misunderstands what a bar is. OK, now you queue in a line at, let's say, a supermarket checkout. And the reason you queue in a line there is because a supermarket checkout is a small thing manned by one person. So you have a line, you wait, you take your turn. Now, the thing about bar, though, is that it's wide. Yes. So you can all stand along it like that, thereby not getting in everyone else's way. It is designed so that you can all stand along it. That's why a bar is not this wide. So you have a very functional reason, which I completely agree with.

22:14But mine is entirely selfish, which is I'm a young woman. so I usually get served first and if there's a queue it means that I can't skip in front of you so I'm very very frustrated by this I had an American tourist uh tell me off for doing the proper thing which is I saw a queue at a bar and I went sorry I'm not taking part in this absolutely malarkey this is ridiculous and so I went up to the bar and I made eye contact with the bartender and I said yes I would like a pint of beer and this lady turned around and said excuse me there's a queue there's a queue so that's another thing that Harry and Meghan are going to have to adapt to you okay no queuing okay when you move to gravesend yeah i think i do what i'm gonna do

22:48Poppy Coburn: i'm gonna take carrie and megan particularly megan uh dead to the weatherspoon the robert pocock i'll take her there and i'll just explain the etiquette of audrey listen she may she may prefer to use the app actually i don't know i'll ask her i'll ask her but anyway yeah well we're speaking about alcohol someone who wants a beer even more than i do is this fantastic news story that's been released by Hotspur Police, of a man who called 999 because he accidentally bought non-alcoholic gin. Give it a listen. I'll be the police. How can I help? Is it possible to send a police car or something down to a Fesco Extra to mediate over a problem?

23:33What's the problem? Well, I've just gone in now and they've got these miniature Gordon gin with tonic. It's in the alcohol section. I'm going over the park because it's nice and cool and sitting in the shade and I look at it, it's zero alcohol. And it's in the alcohol section, so they all look the same. And I just brought it back and I said, he says, you've already drank one. and I said, OK, I'll pay for that one and can I exchange the other ones? It cost me£6 because I haven't got a Tesco card. OK, so this is not a police matter. You don't need to take that with a Tesco, is it? That's not a police matter.

24:19No, because I'm really angry, so I'll get arrested. Why will you get arrested? Because I'm not having it. I feel quite a lot of sympathy for the 909 call operator there who seems to be genuinely baffled by why this man is sharing the story, particularly when he says, I'm worried that I'm going to get arrested. And she's like, why would you get arrested? Why would you get arrested?

24:41Poppy Coburn: It's a little bit confusing, because I don't think that the man is suggesting that the shop has committed a crime. And as far as I'm aware, indeed, there is not any kind of law that's been broken there. There is not a non-alcoholic gin act of 2003 that has been broken. So no, I think he appears to be suggesting, it's not totally clear, because perhaps he's been drinking some alcoholic gin subsequently. But he seems to be suggesting that if I don't get my refund, I will commit a crime. Just giving you full knowledge of this. A bit like the IRA. They would ring up just before the bomb went off, just to let you know, by the way.

25:16Poppy Coburn: He's just ringing the police to say, just let you know you will need to arrest me in about 20 minutes if I don't get a refund for this six-pack of non-alcoholic gin. I mean, he is a bit of a hero here, and that's one reason, which is why was non-alcoholic gin in the alcoholic section? It's like when they put fake milk in the real milk section. It's like you don't have to put almond oil that you call milk in the refrigerator section. We all know that it's full of chemicals and it's not going to go off anytime soon. And yet it's one of those funny little nudge behaviours. So they're trying to push you towards accidentally buying a Lucky Saint beer and then getting really annoyed and having loads of Lucky Saint beer at your cupboard at home.

25:51Poppy Coburn: Or is there another reason? They put some rogue non-alcoholic drinks in among them just to test. because you know if you are an alcoholic and you're already drunk then perhaps you're not even going to read the labels or you can't read the labels and uh therefore you shouldn't be drinking anymore and therefore it's actually much better for you if you if you have the non-alcoholic drink that you don't even want so there might be some kind of very clever thinking going on there although you think might be deliberate you would think the first sip because you know this man drank the entire bottle of non-alcoholic gin before he complained he said look in all fairness I'll pay for that but I want a refund for the other ones surely you'd be able to tell for the first sip of all you're doing I think if you were a genuine alcoholic I would imagine uh you would you would be able to tell straight away and you go oh my goodness this stuff's disgusting what is it water my liver feels completely fine this is exactly the opposite of what I wanted so yeah I think this isn't a genuine alcoholic I have to say just someone who's very very confused I must admit I once bought um a six-pat of non-alcoholic beer by accident I was going out for a curry with the Telegraph politics team and it was only when I opened the first one that I realised and it was too late then but I tell you it did not even occur to me to call the police so now I feel a real fool.

27:00Well speaking of non-alcoholic beer and this is a bit of a weekend tea insight into the office, last week there were some beers being handed out and I think it was three minutes was the time that every single alcoholic beer was taken by people in the newsroom as part of this. Surprisingly slow.

27:15Poppy Coburn: Three minutes. People were busy were they? And there were a lot of beers there but there were some left over for the rest of the day and they were the non-alcoholic beers so the Telegraph is keeping up British standards even if the rest of the world is slipping I'm very impressed Well on that note, you've been listening to The Weekend Tea and we'll see you again next week

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