‘Cut taxes for everyone except left-wing celebrities’

0:02The Telegraph.

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1:07Michael Deacon: Hello and welcome to The Weekend Tea with me, Poppy Coburn. And me, Michael Deacon.

1:21And now there's no doubting this week's biggest story and that was the Tory party conference, Poppy. and I'm delighted to say that I did not watch a single second of it because I was ill this week. And, you know, lying there in my sickbed, I thought I'm not convinced that watching a load of speeches by the Shadow Cabinet is necessarily going to make me feel better. So I missed the whole thing, but you, Poppy, on the hand, were actually there.

1:44Michael Deacon: I'm very offended. I can't believe that Chris Philp wasn't enticing you to come up to Birmingham for the weekend and just go see all the fantastic speeches. It may sound unlikely, but I'm afraid it's true. You said that you were ill. I wasn't ill until I got there, and now I have a kind of Billy Holiday thing going on. I'm a bit husky. I'm hoping you think I'm husky. Yeah, a little bit smoky. I usually don't smoke, but to get past party conferences and I'm there like someone out of EastEnders, just like puffing outside, just for an opportunity to get some fresh air and not listen to people talk about tax policy the whole time.

2:16So there you go. And as we mentioned last week, you were there with the young Conservatives, which I would imagine is like being at an after-show party with Motley Crue. But anyway, you seem to have survived that. Now, what actually happened at Tory party conference then? Kemi Bainock, she did her big speech and she was talking about inheritance tax.

2:32Michael Deacon: Yes. So they tried to put clear blue water between the Conservative Party and reform. And I think reform is a big part of the conference speech that Kemi gave. Up until that point, it did kind of feel like there was a bit of an elephant in the room. There was lots of discussion about like, we are the standard bearers of the right. And it was like, you do remember that you're polling below another party in the right, which has been created from your time in government because you messed it up. anyway moving on let's all be polite but Kerry did mention it in her speech so she had a few things she had some policies that she was putting out there there was one that had already been announced by Nick Timothy which is they were going to do the largest prison building program the country had ever seen you could almost audibly hear the intake of death breath from people at the Ministry of Justice going how much what are we going to have to do this please don't make us do this so that was one of their policies the other one was the inheritance tax removal on a certain thing so the family homes inheritance tax removal there'd be a lot of discussion in the run-up to conference whether or not they were just going to get rid of it all together but they didn't quite do that so basically the state can't make you give up your family home you can pass that down to your children so that was another one also saying that they are tax cutting they are deficit cutting 50 % all the money that they save from their cuts kemi said it was 72 billion she didn't actually tell us where it was coming from but we're just going to have to take her word for it was going to go to putting you know the hole in the deficit away slightly given that we're spending about 110 billion pounds every year adding to the deficit it's a massive amount of money but i think she was trying to communicate we are the party of economic good sense now and that makes us different for reform that was an awful lot of new policies there i don't think you even mentioned the supposed iron dome for the uk the britannia shield anti-missile defensive i mean there were there were so many different policies announced but i've i don't mean to knock the tories here i mean these are all very eye-catching policies, lots of headline grabbers in there, but not to be, you know, with all due modesty, I think I could do better.

4:26So I actually did, for my column in the feature section on Thursday, I decided to write a list of new policies of my own that I think the Tory party should adopt if they want to win the next election, because I reckon mine is the best. I mean, I won't detain you by reading out the whole thing, but I'll tell you number one okay this is the kind of thing i think the tories should be doing okay cut taxes for everyone except left-wing celebrities perfect their taxes should be increased by at least 90 they definitely won't object because they tend to be extremely vocal in their support of high taxes and so being as principled as they are selfless they'll happily pay up now there you are is going to love this well he's going to be right on board with that mr patriotic millionaire they're stuck

5:07Michael Deacon: here. There you go. No more okay for them. So I will be consulting with Mrs Badenock on the next manifesto. I understand, I've heard rumours that she plans to make me her chief advisor. That's not confirmed, but that's what I hear on the grapevine. Yeah, this is an exclusive for the weekend. You're welcome, guys. There were some other good things about conference. It definitely did feel a bit cheerier than last year. Although you would expect that, because last year it was the complete wipeout. It was like a big empty cavernous hall. I saw some people that were filling up almost too much space.

5:35Michael Deacon: Have you seen the seven foot two tall Tori have you seen him oh yeah he's hard to miss yes he is hot it was frightening I was there at the end of night on Monday night I was out quite late until indeed the small hours of the morning not having any fun guys I was doing journalism I promise but I turned around suddenly and I just looked up and up and up and he just kept going on I couldn't believe it I said hello to him and he I could barely hear him he's so tall it's unbelievable they should make more of this guy I think I think I once saw a photo of him standing next to Kemi Badenock and I was just thinking did that photographer have to stand on a step ladder to get the angle where they were both in the photo.

6:10Or maybe you'd have to take the photo from about 500 yards away.

6:13Michael Deacon: You couldn't have him as long as Chesunak was around. It would be too embarrassing. What do you mean if you're using a microscope? I don't know. There you go. The other thing everyone was talking about at the Tory conference, finally, they produced this giant mock-up of the Bayer tapestry, but it's a sort of modern satirical version, mocking Labour and reform and this, that and the other. And then Labour sort of put out their one order. rest of it and lots of people were saying uh i i they think this is wonderfully funny and all the rest of it well i'm afraid i've got to be a killjoy here a big humorless killjoy i didn't think it was funny i thought it was rubbish i thought i mean right two reasons okay uh i mean looking at the label one right i can't believe it's the year 2026 and people are still making jokes about liz trust being outlived by letters so long ago now you might as well be doing jokes about harold mcmillan frankly so that was tedious but actually there was a bigger problem uh for me with these mock-up Bay of Terpretries.

7:02And it's that I wasn't in them. I don't believe you were either. I think that makes us the only two journalists in Britain who weren't in them, because the Tories had gone to great trouble to put lots of little cartoons of actual journalists, Laura Koonsberg, all the rest of them, in there. So that, of course, understanding what massive, egomaniacs journalists are, they would all see it and go, oh, look, there's a cartoon of me. I'll take a photo of that. I'll write about it. I'll tweet it out. Look at this, everyone. That way you get massive publicity for your thing. But, yeah, you and I are the only ones left out.

7:29therefore I think the whole thing was a dreadful failure.

7:32Michael Deacon: I think it was a very, very big mistake. It's like Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty. You didn't invite me. Okay, well now I'm going to ruin the fun for literally everybody else. I also have to say I didn't like the AI slot. Like I remember when Kemi did an interview where she said that she didn't like AI or she hadn't heard of AI, which I think was a little bit difficult to believe. You know what Kemi's like. She says, I never make mistakes. It's like, I think I've actually audibly heard you make mistakes in front of me, but I'll let that one pass. It was quite AI slot-esque, although I have to say the very, very small weeping Robert Jenrick at Kenney's feet was quite funny even if it was mean-spirited.

8:05Michael Deacon: Speaking of perform figures potentially mean-spirited just kidding Suella Braverman is making perhaps the boldest career move she has ever made and I didn't say that lightly this is a lady who defected and it's difficult to do so left the Conservative Party that made her and chained herself to Nigel Farage and now she's chaining herself to someone else Katie Price Katie Price the model turned reality TV personage. Glamorous model. Personality, yes, and a serial memoirist. So that's a very unlikely combination of people. And for the purpose of the show, they're going to be handcuffed together the whole time.

8:43I saw a story in The Sun about this, and it said the show is shrouded in secrecy, but the pair could be seen debating in the street. And I'm thinking, debating? What exactly are those two debating? I mean, I don't know whether it's the economy or the war in Iran or the price of diesel, or are they talking about the meaning of Englishness?

9:05Michael Deacon: Because we know that's Suella's big obsession at the moment. And we know her views on it. But, you know, I can't pretend that I've read all of Katie Price's many, many autobiographies. I've read all of her many, many celebrity magazine interviews that she's given over the past 25 years. but as far as I'm aware I don't think I she has ever expressed a view on whether English is merely a nationality or whether it's an ethnicity so I would be very very interested to hear her views on that if indeed that is what they were debating I don't know she can't be English she's from she's from Jordan sorry that's such a bad joke even as I'm saying it I could I could feel that my heart was pounding I was like I'm not going to get away with this the editor is about to tell that you got a laugh from me that was a pity laugh but i appreciate it number that there you go i think the problem with soella trying to do a program like this you know it's not the first time we've had a frontline politician go on reality tv obviously the one that most recently comes to mind is nigel farage saying i'm a celebrity not just because of the big payout he got for it but in theory you get to see an audience of people you wouldn't usually get to see it's a bit of fun it gives you a slightly more light-hearted image of tiki of your or the right of politics.

10:19Michael Deacon: We all know what it did for Boris Johnson's career. Going on, have I got news for you? He came across as almost a bit of a comedian. The problem is for Suella, if her personality isn't very good, it's not going to go down quite badly. What are you saying? I personally really like Suella Bravo. I like Suella Bravo. I think her public image is much harsher than it is fair. She's actually a very nice lady. She's very respectful. She's got a really good sense of humour as well. There you go. Maybe this is the opportunity for her to show the real her. This is going to be the real her. Exactly. She's next to Katie Price.

10:50We think, oh, God, she looks very nice next to her. My goodness. Yeah. She looks soft and gentle and caring. Lovely Suella. They're going to be going now.

10:57Michael Deacon: I think you've got a bully ex out next to Katie Price, and they look soft and gentle and caring. I think you've figured out Suella's plan. I think you've worked it out. And it's also not the first time that a politician has been there with a page three girl. I remember a really old segment. It was in one of the daytime TV shows where Theresa May was sat next to Theresa May, who happened to be a page three girl. You wouldn't usually get those two people confused, but they did actually put them on a sofa together. I used to work at a lad's mag, and I don't remember any of our models being called Theresa May.

11:25Nor did we use the other Theresa May. I just want to clarify that point. Wow, I was unfamiliar with her work. Maybe she came after my time. I don't know.

12:01Michael Deacon: Thank you. Find it in The Telegraph's newsletters. Explore the complete collection. From recipes with Diana Henry to fashion and beauty with me, Lisa Armstrong. Get the best of our journalism delivered to your inbox. Visit telegraph.co.uk slash newsletters today.

12:33Michael Deacon: Geoffrey Archer has passed away. Yeah, no, indeed, yes, just out of the blue, really. Just really the day before, his new novel came out. Yeah, extraordinary, yeah, which, of course, inevitably, like all his other novels, would be a huge bestseller. I mean, he was an enormously successful writer. In fact, I've got a great story about this because he made such a lot of money for his huge bestseller. Politics doesn't pay, but writing does. And because of the enormous success of his books, whenever he was staying in London, he had this enormous lavish palatial penthouse apartment overlooking the Thames spectacular stuff apparently I was never invited but I've heard a lot about it anyway it was about 25 years ago I think he was hosting some of a party there one of the guests was a journalist who'd never been there before and he goes up to Geoffrey Archer and he says I'm awfully sorry Lord Archer I need to go to the toilet where is it?

13:26and Geoffrey Archer says oh just go past the Picasso and then left at the Matisse

13:30Michael Deacon: Oh, my goodness. I like it. What a gigantic flag. This is a man with, let's say, no shortage of self-confidence. I think another example of that was in the year 2000, OK, the September of that year, he was charged with perjury. Three months later, he began starring in a West End play he'd written himself called The Accused, in which he played a man who was in court, suspected of quite a serious crime, Not perjury, but another very, perhaps even more serious crime, in fact. And at the end of each performance, the audience in the theatre had to decide whether Geoffrey Archer's character was innocent or guilty.

14:13Michael Deacon: Did he think that was admissible in court? Your honour, I have had several screenings where the audience said that I was free as a bird, completely innocent man. 75 % of the West End audience over the past six months thinks I'm innocent. Press the red button if you think I'm innocent. I'm innocent. Admittedly, the crime I was charged with is a fictional murder. But nonetheless, I would like this to be taken into consideration, please. I don't really think we have that many kind of stars who are entering politics now. I mean, the person who actually did come to mind was Nadine Doris, famous lady novelist who's so many, many...

14:50Michael Deacon: I can't say I've read any of her books, but she's massive. She's absolutely massive. I think she's the last true kind of celebrity writer who's actually gone into politics. Okay. I mean, unless J.K. Rowling gets involved. Wow. Now, there's a game changer. I would vote for her, I'll tell you that. Well, as long as she doesn't join the Green Party. I'm sure Zach Polanski would love that. Well, it's funny you should mention the Green Party. Yes, they have done something that means that I will certainly never be voting for them. Not as playing to anyway, for goodness sake. I don't think I'm a target vote of them anyway.

15:21But I'm even less of a target voter now. So they have voted this week that Zionism is racism. Now, that is somewhat counter to my view that anti-Zionism is racism. But there you go. They've decided that if you support the right of Israel to exist and defend itself, you're a big old racist, according to them. Anyway, there's a lot to be said about that. I want to say just one thing first, which is this is from the website of the Muslim Greens. OK, obviously, Green Party members who are Muslim. And the page of that website is headed guidance on identifying Islamophobia. OK, here's a sentence from it.

15:55The party, as in the Green Party, must not divide Muslims into acceptable and unacceptable categories based on whether they distance themselves from other Muslims, foreign conflicts, advocacy, Islamic practice, religious dress, mosque attendance or criticism of state policy. Now that's all well and good, that's fair enough, but isn't that what the Green Party has just done to Jewish people? Hasn't it just divided them into the categories of acceptable Jews and unacceptable Jews depending on whether they are Zionists or not? And isn't that related to a foreign conflict, by the way?

16:28Michael Deacon: There's a few things I'm pulling out that statement, which is the first one that jumps to mind is, does that mean Osama bin Laden is welcome under the Green Party tent? I mean, if we're not dividing Muslims into good and bad. He's fairly unlikely to make an appearance at the next conference. Yeah, it's quite a long journey up from hell, I think, for him to get to Brighton, although some would say the two have more in common than you might like. So that was the first thing that jumped to mind. The second is, can you imagine if there was a Muslim who was pro-Zionist, whether or not they would just be okay with their views.

16:56Michael Deacon: They would be completely happy with a Muslim who says, actually, you know what, I think Israel has a right to exist. If you can find me, this anti-Zionist Muslim, I'd be fascinated to meet them and interview them on this podcast. The whole rollout of this anti-Zionism thing was really disgusting, particularly watching the senior leadership of the Green Party put out their little pre-plan statements to go like, you know, we didn't actually have any involvement in this, but we accept the result of the vote, which, again, is a little bit difficult coming from the same people that wanted a second referendum.

17:25Michael Deacon: Whenever they use the words, we accept the vote, like the people have decided. I always just think, but you don't, do you? You just agree with it. You just think it's a good policy. And this whole debate and vote just happened to take place in the same week as the anniversary of October 7th. What? It probably just... Total coincidence. Coincidence, I think. Total, total coincidence. Just like when people started doing their pro-Palestine marches on the October 7th anniversary. On the day itself, yeah. Bad timing, huh? No other day was available in the diary. Everything else is booked up. It's the only day they could march.

17:55Michael Deacon: Right, we're going to have to get a bit slapsed because I think we're both getting quite wound up by this. Yes. Here is a proper, you know, post-silly season story for us. Yes. Putin's new intimidation tactic, sending agents to poo in the homes of Finnish MPs. Right, OK. So these Finnish MPs have upset him and his way of warning them, right, his way of warning them that I've got my eye on you because I'm going to send my best men into your homes, sneak in and use your lavatory without permission is that is that is that that's that's the theory here i have to say i kind of you know the eastern block have done this things before you know the russians have done these sorts of things before even in the example of east germany like it used to be that the stasi would go around to distant houses and they would move all the furniture just slightly just enough so when you would walk in the room you'd feel slightly uncomfortable and it was part of this tactic that they wanted to make you feel like you were going insane now I do think it goes a little bit further than moving a teapot to I'm going to go into your toilet do my business and then not flush the chain afterwards yeah I mean I think there's there's two ways of looking at this okay number one is you know if Putin pied it I'd say well look it's better than being uh thrown out of a 10th floor window um the other point is I have a theory here right this this Finnish MP who claims this has happened have we considered the possibility that he's making it up right right that he did it himself and that this is going going to have to be edited out but i'm just going to say it anyway total pan blocker right and thinking oh my god the wife's nearly home what am i going to say here it won't flush i can't i can't get rid of it so when she comes home he says look look look what putin's spies have done putin's spies have broken into a house and look what they have done they're doing this to intimidate me you know are we sure it might not just be a mistranslation is she because you can kind of see how who putin putin poo is there some kind of finish word that's loaned by it were the media just confused?

19:48Michael Deacon: Was that maybe that's what they were pointing to? I think I preferred your Casey Price joke. It was better. I'm losing my edge here. Right, let's move away from Poole. Let's move away from a scatological topic. Yes. Back into some firmly Daily Telegraph topic, which is ties are back in fashion again as men have smootened up past pandemic. I'm looking at a man right now. He's not looking very smart to me. No, I knew as soon as I... I can't ask where's your pocket. As soon as I had a go over your Katie Price joke and your Putin joke, I knew you were going to get immediate revenge on me somehow. There you go.

20:20No, indeed. Yes, I think your views on my shirts are well known. Thank you very much. Anyway, supposedly, yes, ties are back in fashion. Obviously, I'm not wearing one, I must admit. But then I defy you or anyone else to find a tie that would go with this shirt or any of my other shirts. I mean, there's a challenge for you. Go ahead and take it up if you want. but I have some doubts about whether this story is really true this idea that men are wearing ties again because just at the exact same time in the House of Lords they've decided that ties are no longer mandatory for peers which is quite controversial I know Andrew Roberts has been writing about this in his Spectator Diary this week he says there's a Labour peer Lord Davies of Brixton he's against ties he says these days ties are only worn by estate agents and funeral directors

21:06Michael Deacon: how snobbish there you go yes snobbish socialist there you are I don't know. I love ties. I mean, I went to a primary school, hilariously, that made us wear ties. So you'd have little seven-year-old girls walking around with ties on. So I actually know how to tie a tie because of my experience. There was none of this stuff where it was, you know, you get something on an elastic band, you put it around your head. It was part of the uniform. Sorry, an elastic band and you put it around your head? Have you not seen this? Have you not seen this? Fake ties. So some people in the school used to wear fake ties, and it was the bane of the school establishment.

21:37Michael Deacon: them so what you would do is you would get like a little band that would be like a half tie so you wouldn't actually have to know how to tie one you put it on like a necklace and you'd already have the pre-tied bit at the bottom but around the collar there wasn't actually a tie it was very weird what is happening to this i know i know what maybe forgivable if you are talking about children who can't really read and write yet but totally not acceptable for adults you know i really don't like the tony blair vibe going on where everyone's with a wide collar again i've going to look away from you this is getting too personal this is getting too personal right no i've got an excuse here right i'm excuse the reason i'm not wearing a tie is is that i am i i was told not to i was told this this is a weekend show a weekend vibe so uh don't wear a tie yeah open collar something we're wearing something a bit colorful there you go i can tell you i i don't normally dress like this at home or do any other context i should i shouldn't really be having a i'm making excuses my wife actually my wife is before i did the first episode of this she she said to me you know you're going to be on camera your clothes they're very tramp they're all the same they're all basically dark blue she said she said you should be wearing something more colorful get some colorful shirts with a nice a nice pattern a strong pattern something that's really visually arresting and i think you've got to say i've done that i i i really can't have a go at you because i am part of the other side i think this is a women's problem we're blaming men for not wearing ties this is where women are going wrong where i wear smart trainers smart trainers to work so i can't actually say that they're looking particularly smart today they're a little bit shabby because i walked in a puddle yesterday but um i think that's another thing where standards have dropped so women don't wear high-heeled shoes and they also don't wear pumps they'll just walk around in adidas sambas all day there you go comfortable there you go yet another thing it takes tea it takes tea to ruin society indeed well should we squeeze in one more here yes please So, Thais are back in fashion, but mushy peas are out.

23:32Michael Deacon: Is that right? Mushy peas were never in. Surely. Mushy peas, popular. The ones from the can. The disgusting green peas that you come out of a can and go splat on a plate. Right. You like them. I wouldn't say I have very strong views either way on mushy peas. I think you can tell I have very strong views. I can tell you have. I couldn't believe it. I was having fish and chips dinner a couple of weeks ago, and my partner decided that he really nostalgically wanted some mushy peas. I didn't want to know if they came in a can I thought you just cooked peas and then you mashed them up yourself, no no no, you've got a can of them just slap there into the pan and then you eat them hot which somehow feels even worse they smell really unpleasant they're very unfashionable mushy peas but then I did have a conversation with someone where they pointed out completely correctly that the way you sell it to Gen Zed is you call it pea puree and immediately I thought oh actually I'd have some of that I think mushy peas, very to class very old English food oh no thank you pp ray french fashionable i can see that on instagram i will have some of that with my chips delicious you're reminding me of the old story about peter mandelson which may or may not be true but i prefer to believe it is true because it sounds so like him at the time because you know he was mp for hartlepool and so uh one time he went into a fish and chip shop which is something he didn't normally do not normally the kind of uh place he would frequent but anyway he went in and he said oh yes I will have some fish and I will have some chips and oh what's that some of that lovely guacamole please oh no because now I'm going to have to say there's something that me and Peter Mamelson have in common well as long as it's only that I think we need to leave it at that thank you very much

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