Harry, it's time to go home - and take the bin with you

0:02The Telegraph.

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1:31Welcome to The Weekend Tea, the podcast taking a look back at all the big, bold and, quite frankly, bonkers stories of the week.

1:38Michael Deacon: With two of The Telegraph's own opinion writers. That's me, Poppy Coburn. And me, Michael Deacon.

1:51Michael Deacon: Well, what a week it's been. Prince Harry loses£50 million court case and has nowhere to sleep. Nigel Farage goes head to head with the bin and England are through to the World Cup quarterfinals. So you got that prediction wrong, didn't you, Michael? Yes. Well, I am afraid to admit that last week on this podcast, I did say with tremendous firmness that England were definitely going to get knocked out of the World Cup by Mexico. And so inevitably, they put in a brilliant performance and won quite easily at the end, I thought. But it is an iron law of the universe that any prediction I make, especially about football, will turn out to be wrong.

2:26I mean, you can bet your house on that. Sorry, that's probably insensitive. You're a member of James Ed, you will never own a house. I do apologise. I do apologise. My predictions are always wrong, which is unfortunate, because funnily enough, I think England are going to beat Norway in the quarterfinals this weekend. We're not going to win. So bad luck, everyone. This is very unfortunate.

2:42Michael Deacon: Although I have to say, I'm a fake football fan, as I've said before. I only start watching it when it looks like we're going to win and then I'm always disappointed. I really get into it for about a week and then obviously we mess it up because we always do. But I was watching some of the Norwegian games in preparation for what's coming ahead of us this week. And there is one reason for that. There is a football player on the Norwegian team who I think is quite fantastic. And that is? Elek Haaland. Ah, yes, Harland, Erling Harland. The man who looks like an actual Viking. Yes, I think he's absolutely fantastic.

3:15Michael Deacon: He's so unattractive that he goes all the way back round to being really handsome. Right. I know you can't relate to this one, maybe, but... I can understand. A lot of women will understand this. There's something about him. I'll take you over it. Some kind of ancestral memory of a Viking turning up and you go, oh, OK. And apparently Keir Starmer is saying we might get a day off if England wins the World Cup. Yeah, this is fantastic news. I mean, we're not going to obviously win, so we will not get a day off. But the idea that we might get a day off, I'm hoping is going to motivate the players on the pitch a little bit more.

3:43Well, now, as we know, my predictions about football are always wrong. So if you want a day off, that means I need to predict that England are going to lose the World Cup final. OK, yeah, England are going to get thrashed by France or whoever the hell they're going to play.

3:58Michael Deacon: I'm booking a holiday. But the Norwegian fans and team have been really embracing their Viking heritage throughout this World Cup. You know, you see the fans, they're wearing the Viking style helmets and they're always doing this sort of rowing motion. This is sort of mime to pretend that they are rowing a Viking longship. And sometimes the players join in with that at the end of the game. It looks amazing. I really love it. But I also feel a little bit envious because it seems to me that Norway clearly does not have its own lanyard class or diversity industry because otherwise... They probably got hit in the head with axes years ago.

4:28Well, yeah, rightly so, because if it did, then the Norwegian fans would all have been told that they're not allowed to celebrate Vikings because they'd have been told that, well, the Vikings are extremely problematic. There were violent, bloodthirsty colonisers who went around slaughtering indigenous peoples and the Norwegians should be ashamed of them and should pay reparations to all the countries that they pillaged, that kind of thing. And they shouldn't wear these horned helmets because that could be intimidating to our communities. Of course. That sort of thing. I just thought, you know, imagine in this country, imagine if England fans were to, I don't know, celebrate the British Empire or something and dress up as Cecil Rhodes or Edward Colston or something like that.

5:07You can still do the boat motion. What would the motion be for representing the British Empire, maybe sort of cracking a whip or something like that? But I can't really imagine that somehow.

5:16Michael Deacon: No, I can't. I mean, you can kind of imagine maybe in Norway there being their own version of Otto English, I guess Otto Norway, saying, well, actually, there were never horns on the Viking helmets. That's actually fake news. I think that's actually right, isn't it? That is actually true. but you could just imagine them saying, shut up, we don't care. We're doing it because it's fun. Yeah, I guess where I'm going to stick this horned helmet. Exactly. In this country, it's all so tedious. Everything has to be like very, even when we're doing patriotism, it has to be like the kind of Andy Burnham style, people singing Wonderwall.

5:46Michael Deacon: Why are we not doing proper English heritage where we're getting drunk, we're shouting at people, we're taking our shirts off and getting really sunburned. Let's actually show the Europeans what our real reputation is. Are you saying you want me to take my shirt off? Yeah, I do want you to take that shirt off. I know you hate my shirt, but surely the alternative is worse. Are there poppies on this? Are there poppies? Is this a kind of like a dove? No, there's not poppies. What are they? I'm afraid I know next to nothing about flowers. It's embarrassing because both my parents were professional gardeners.

6:15I have no idea what these are. They are sort of pink flowers, pinky red.

6:20Michael Deacon: Looking at it makes me feel somewhat at least energetic. That's the limit of my knowledge. I'm very sorry about this. No, we have to wait every week to see where the shirts are going to be going. I still don't know where you're getting these from. Like, it is impressive. I know you said you're getting them from Georgia Asda. I'm not sure if you're pulling my leg. No, these ones. These ones are actually from Hawes and Curtis on German Street. There's a, you know, a serious men's outfit. You pay good money for that shirt. Anyway, I feel like I want to put their name in just so they can send me some free ones.

6:47Michael Deacon: They can send me some free clothes as well. I mean, I won't wear them. Well, since you hate them. I don't know if they'll be sending anything free to you. Yeah, they're going to send me a middle finger. Anyway, speaking of middle fingers to beloved English icons, Prince Harry. Ah, yes. Can we call him Prince Harry? Is he allowed to be Prince Harry? Is he just Harry now? I don't think he's been stripped of his titles like his uncle. Oh, gosh. As far as I'm aware. But yes, yes, Prince Harry. We'll call him Harry. Yes, so he's had a bit of a rough old time this week. Yes, he has. Losing his court case, for one thing.

7:15Michael Deacon: Yeah, against Associated Newspapers. And also coming back to the UK to do his Invictus Games thing. I think he wanted to walk up on the stage and say, this is a victory of truth against the evil British press. Of course, he loses every single case. Yeah, I didn't really understand what he was on about. So he was claiming that the newspapers had violated his privacy. Isn't this the same guy who wrote an autobiography in which, among many, many other things, he revealed that when he got frostbite, he decided to cure it by rubbing his late mother's favourite beauty cream into his, and I quote, todger.

7:54now i think if you're the kind of guy who does that sort of thing and admits it in a best-selling autobiography you can't really say well you know i'm a very very private individual you know i guard my private life very jealously oh by the way did i ever tell you about the time that i rubbed my late mother's face screen into my balls i mean no sorry even even his big plan even if the case had

8:15Michael Deacon: gone his way he would be saying how much he values his privacy on a stage in front of his event in front of a crowd with thousands of people to of course the press cameras that then would have broadcast it to millions of people around the world I mean I'm I'm not always on board with people bashing Prince Harry at the end of the day I think he's maybe not the brightest tool in the shed but that doesn't mean we should all be rude to him you know if he wants to go off in America and do his like charity thing that's very nice and that's fine I personally think he should have security paid for like I do agree with that but it's just the kind of flintiness about him like this feeling that he's got this chip on his shoulder.

8:50Michael Deacon: And it's like, you were literally born into the British royal family. You can't do that. Yeah. Well, speaking of which, isn't it a bit weird that he's not been allowed to stay in Buckingham Palace? Yes. They've not been able to find a room for him, even though it's got about 500 bedrooms and they don't live there anyway anymore. They still can't... I mean, I don't know where he's staying, whether it's a Premier Inn or a Britannia or something like that. An asylum hotel. I don't know whether he's just washed up on a small boat and that's where they put him, in which case at least it'll be free.

9:17So that's something. He won't have to come out of his own pocket then, but that's a bit weird.

9:21Michael Deacon: Yeah, I think the relationship with Prince Harry in this country is now broken down to such an irreparable extent. The idea now that Meghan, who's apparently holidaying around Europe, is going to come to the UK to see Harry. Like, do you really want to do that? I think it's time to go home. I think this has been pretty humiliated. I did wonder why is Meghan suddenly turning up? No, I thought, well, hang on a minute. The Turkish president's farewell present to Keir Starmer was a loaded revolver. Maybe this is President Trump's leaving presents to Keir Starmer. Here, have Meghan Markle. Here's the deportation efforts.

9:50Michael Deacon: Which is worse. I mean, poor old Starmer's thinking, I mean, come on, I know I'm not popular, but jeez, what have I done to offend these guys? I guess it makes him look better in comparison. You compare himself to Prince Andrew and Prince Harry, he's like a national hero. We all love him. Right, well, speaking of national heroes or people who want to be national heroes, Count Binface and his big stunt against Nigel Farage and Clacton. What do you think about this? Right, so he's just about the only candidate standing against Nigel Farage because all of the mainstream parties have decided to boycott it.

10:20Michael Deacon: Simultaneously. Yes, thus reinforcing Nigel Farage's point that the Huna Party is against me. Well, here they are joining forces exactly as he might have predicted. But anyway, yes, I cannot stand this Count Binface guy. I mean, we've said before in previous episodes that we cannot stand sort of novelty candidates in elections, people dressing up in fox costumes like in Makerfield. It's so boring. But this guy in particular, Count Binface, he's been doing this for about a decade now. He first did this when Theresa May was prime minister, for goodness sake, and he keeps doing it at by-elections and general elections.

10:51I mean, it wasn't very funny the first time, and yet he's still doing it. Anyway, we're at least finding a little bit more about who this guy really is. He's called John Harvey, is that right? And he's actually, guess what, a BBC comedy writer who's contributed to Have I Got News For You. So there you are. He is basically a centrist dad, radicalised Lib Dem, who just really wants to embarrass Nigel Farage. And there's nothing wrong with making fun of Nigel Farage or indeed any other politician. But I just I just get a bit bored with it, frankly. It's not proper satire.

11:25Michael Deacon: When you think like this country used to be like no one could compare to us in terms of political satire. And now it's like the guy who gets left out of led by donkeys because he wasn't annoying enough. It spins out on his own by putting a bin over his head and pretending he's speaking in a silly robot voice. It's not funny. It's not funny, but it's not satire. Satire doesn't just mean make jokes about politicians. Really, it's about ridiculing ideas, and in particular, fashionable ideas, the ideas of powerful people, indeed high status people, people of high social status. So really, if you're going to do that, you shouldn't be making fun of Nigel Farage so much, because let's face it, he's not cool, he's not fashionable, never has been.

12:05You've got to be making fun of things that powerful people actually believe in, whether that's gender ideology or the EU or socialism, et cetera, et cetera. You have to be willing to make fun of those things, the cool things.

12:18Michael Deacon: It's got to be a bit of an edge to it. Like if you're going to do that kind of taking that principle that you've just named, why is no one following around Ed Davey dressed as a giant postbox to remind everyone of his role in the post office scandal? There you go. That would be pretty hard-edged political satire. Yeah. And yet it would never, ever happen because that's not what the kind of regime comedians want to do. They just want to sit around and go, ha ha ha, isn't Nigel Farage evil? Over and over and over again. So I hope the good people of Clacton completely ignore these stunts, call him by his proper name, ask him to take that stupid binning off his head.

12:51Skip what he thinks about grooming gangs. Yes, exactly. Totally straight. Serious, serious issues. Treat him like a real politician. Yeah.

12:57Michael Deacon: Yeah, exactly. Don't go along with his quite boring joke. Yeah, so we're all terrible senses of humour here. But this is ultimately for the good of the country. Right, still to come, the office turns 25 this week. and which is better, the US or the UK version.

13:15Nirav Modi was a billionaire diamond tycoon whose jewellery was worn by Hollywood stars like Kate Winslet. But in 2018, he was accused of masterminding one of the world's biggest ever bank frauds, and he disappeared. This is the extraordinary story of the rise and fall of Nirav Modi. and of how we caught him.

13:39Michael Deacon: He was in the news all the time. Where is New York Mogi? Why can we not find it? He's one of the most sought-after criminals in India. You owe a lot of people a lot of money, Mr Modi, who would very much like to know where you are. Sorry, no comment. The Indians will think we're a laughingstock. Here we are seven years later still speaking about this case. They think it's a sham. The Diamond King, a new podcast from The Telegraph. with me, Nick Brown. And me, Robert Mendick. Out now.

14:13Hi, it's Kat and Nat, and this episode is sponsored by Michael's, your destination for all things birthday parties. With seven kids between us, we're always planning a celebration. Summer is no exception. With prices starting at just 99 cents, Michael's Party Shop has over 4 ,500 party supplies across more than 60 themes for every age and every celebration. Whether your kids are into bluey, rodeos, soccer, rainbows, or something totally different, you'll find everything you need in one place. Plus, you can get a free helium inflation on select balloon styles. Shop online, pick up in-store, or get same-day delivery.

14:49Visit Michael's in-store or shop online now. Do you keep hearing podcast ads, like this one for example, but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization? Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast, and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts, choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch. And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without barriers. Get started at acast.com slash advertise.

15:35Michael Deacon: Other UK news. The Office is turning 25. Yeah. This week. So this is the UK Office, not the US Office. And we have been speaking before, you're a UK Office fan, first and foremost. Yeah, I mean, I have to say those two versions of The Office are just totally different. They are different shows. They just have the same name and both of them make Ricky Gervais very rich. But apart from that, they're very little in common because I always feel like the American Office, that's a very sort of jolly, cheerful, upbeat sort of sitcom in typical American sitcom style. Whereas what I love about the British one and why I much prefer it is it's so miserable.

16:09It's so bleak, isn't it?

16:11Michael Deacon: It is totally bleak. Even the colouring, it's like grey. Yeah, they deliberately, because it was meant to be a spoof documentary of those very boring documentaries you used to get back in the 1990s of, you know, very boring things like, yeah, a paper merchant's one. They deliberately made it look like that, and made it look as drab and bleak as possible and left all these awkward silences in. Actually, I was watching a documentary about the making of The Office and originally the BBC was very unsure about The Office. They just didn't get it. And the way they edited the first episode of it was that they took all the awkward silences out and they sort of edited it like it's a conventional sitcom and Gervais and Merchant just said, no, no, no, you've got to leave all the awkward silences in.

16:52Michael Deacon: That's the joy of the show. That's how this is going to work. And the BBC just thought, we're not sure about this, but oh well it's a low budget program it's we're putting out in summer which is you know the dead months for tv show so yeah all right well we'll do it your way fine and then it ends up being the biggest sitcom of this millennium i mean i started off watching the u.s office because that that was the one that i was like watching on netflix and it is so different the vibe is completely different firstly it has the problem with every single american show which is as the seasons go on you can tell the actors are being paid more and more money and they're putting that money into their faces in forms of Botox and fillers.

17:26Michael Deacon: So the actress who's supposed to be Pam, she's supposed to be Dawn in the American remake, becomes more and more attractive as the seasons come on. John Krasinski, who's Jim, he's just attractive from the start. There's no way you believe this man is working at a small paper firm, like a provincial company. He looks like a supermodel. Whereas the cast in the British version, all made to look as dowdy as possible. Yes, absolutely. Awful haircuts, awful suits. you know and that's not just because the show was fairly low budget i mean they are meant to look and again that's all part of the atmosphere isn't it look how depressingly ugly everyone is hey it's britain that's what it's actually like in an office i mean hey i don't know whether we're going to take our camera around that office down there actually no offense to my respected colleagues but let's just say that yeah the office was a very authentic program yes one of the things that is a little bit sad about it is again i don't want to age myself here but by saying it's a period program but it is a period show because it is a certain point of time where people actually went into the office.

18:25Michael Deacon: Like half the jobs on that show don't exist anymore. Who's a receptionist? Receptionists have been replaced by like AI bots that like take phone calls for you. I mean, like, do we even have printers anymore? And everyone who did still work at Wernham Hock would probably be working from home. So there you go. You can't make that show anymore. Exactly. Oh, that's quite depressing. Fantastic show, both of them, and you should watch both of them. In other news, Taylor Swift's wedding this week. Are you a Taylor Swift fan? Are you a Swiftie? Well, I should stress that I am a 45-year-old heterosexual man.

18:51And therefore, my knowledge of Taylor Swift is not all that broad. I mean, I just feel that if I did start talking excitedly about Taylor Swift and her wedding, it might sort of make me sound, you know, it's a bit like me saying, yes, I love playing with My Little Pony or Care Bears or something like that. I mean, I don't know. So I feel I'm going to end up sounding like a high court judge from the 1960s saying, who are the Beatles, you know, doing this. So, no, I don't know tremendous about Taylor Swift's wedding. How about you? Are you a big fan?

19:20Michael Deacon: So you're trying to typecast me here because... You're a young person and a woman. Don't like her at all. You lot all like Taylor Swift. We really don't like her. I don't think I've ever willingly listened to her music. It's really not my style. We probably have quite a similar music taste, which we can discuss after the show. But I did think there were certain things about her wedding that stuck out to me. One, that it was in Madison Square Garden. I understand that you're the biggest pop star in the world. Why would you have your wedding? at like an arena venue. Why would you do that? Oh, this is because she had top musicians play.

19:50Was it Paul McCartney?

19:51Michael Deacon: Yeah, but that's so weird. She had Paul McCartney come play at her wedding and he played, is it I Want to Hold Your Hand? Which he, in fact, no Beatle has performed since 1964, which is when that song came out, which is pretty amazing. I don't know how much she paid Paul McCartney for this performance. She is a billionaire. She could afford it, whatever it was. But that's pretty amazing. It is pretty amazing. I mean, at our wedding, we had a DJ and a karaoke, basically. So basically the guest singer at my wedding was me doing You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive. Are you serious? You actually did those?

20:23Yeah. So not quite up there with Paul McCartney. Is there a video of this somewhere? No. Or rather there is. But I will never, ever, ever see it. And no one ever will. So yeah, our budget didn't quite stretch to Paul McCartney.

20:35Michael Deacon: Well, if you guys can't afford Taylor Swift to perform at your wedding, Michael Deacon is here and he can do performances for you for the right price. Probably lower than what Paul McCartney is asking for, I imagine. To be honest, once I perform, they'll probably be demanding their money back, whatever they've paid. And the wedding will fail, of course. Even if it's only a fiver, to be honest, they'll feel ripped off. OK, well, speaking of alternate realities that we don't want a will into existence, have you seen this very funny photo of Reform claiming their great work as councillors in cleaning up a local street?

21:04Michael Deacon: They said that they'd remove the rubbish, basically. You know, you see crisp packets when you drive through a country road that are just kind of knocked into the bushes. Well, they fixed that, but they went a little bit further. So they posted this photo where it looked as if they had not only removed the rubbish from the street but they'd also painted the sign, they had filled in the potholes, they had re-gravelled tarmac that people were walking down and people went, hmm, did you do all of that in two days or is that an AI photo that you have tried to pass off as your own work? And was it? It was an AI photo.

21:37Wow, I don't know, Reform having a bit of a toughie. I mean, they're getting it from all angles at the moment. Well, I tell you what, I'm going to defend Reform here. because what this shows is that reform is embracing technology and modernity and AI, which this country needs. We don't want this country to get left behind technologically. We want to be an AI superpower. And reform are saying yes. That's one way to fix the country. They are showing us the way to go. That is one way to fix the country. There you are. It's a good honor.

22:04Michael Deacon: You just take pictures of all the horrible things that you hate about Britain. You could take a picture of Keir Starber, use AI to just remove him from the photo, Stalin style. You could take a picture of your house and then say, can you add some turrets and like a big car in the drive? And then suddenly you're a millionaire and you're rich. You can use AI to fix everything. And there you are, you know, and photos of small boats crossing the channel. You just scrub those out. It's Paddington Bear. Suddenly Paddington Bear's coming over with his little jam jars. It's all very cute and twee. We shouldn't say this because actually we know what the Labour government, they are so desperate to sort of clamp down the social media and regulate where everyone's allowed to post and things like that.

22:39I mean, they will think this is a good idea. We should be doing this. The way we're going to stop the public ranting on social media about immigration and terrorism and grooming gangs and everything like that is we are just going to use AI to edit out all images of bad things happening in this country. Now, I know AI is good, but that's going to be a pretty seriously big job. But nonetheless, Lucy Powell will be watching this and just jotting it down.

23:02Michael Deacon: So that's a good idea. I'm learning from Reform UK here. Nice one. I'm glad I took out this Telegraph subscription. Okay, well, we won't see you next week because you're going to be on holiday. You're going to sunny Folkestone. Yes, Kent's Trendy Folkestone. Yes, wonderful place. The Margate of the future. It is, yes, the new Margate very much. It's very, very nice there. Well, have a wonderful time and we'll see you the week afterwards. And I feel when you come back, England will be World Cup winners and we'll have a new Prime Minister. Yeah, so good news and bad news. Yeah, exactly. Can you reverse the T?

23:32Michael Deacon: Can you say that we're not going to win the World Cup so we win it and we are going to have a new PM so we don't have Andy Burnham? right how do i do that save us from this fate that's so confusing i don't think i can do it i'm sorry

24:07Hi, it's Kat and Nat, and this episode is sponsored by Michael's, your destination for all things birthday parties. With seven kids between us, we're always planning a celebration. Summer is no exception. With prices starting at just 99 cents, Michael's Party Shop has over 4 ,500 party supplies across more than 60 themes for every age and every celebration. Whether your kids are into bluey, rodeos, soccer, rainbows, or something totally different, you'll find everything you need in one place. Plus, you can get a free helium inflation on select balloon styles. Shop online, pick up in-store, or get same-day delivery.

24:43Visit Michael's in-store or shop online now. Do you keep hearing podcast ads, like this one, for example, but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization? Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast, and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts. Choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch. And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without barriers. Get started at acast.com slash advertise.