Starmer out, schools closed and sun-lounger wars

0:02The Telegraph.

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2:06Poppy Coburn: Welcome to The Weekend Tea, a podcast taking a look back at the controversial and comical stories of the week. With two of The Telegraph's opinion writers, that's me, Poppy Coburn. And me, Michael Deacon. So for the next 20 minutes, relax, make yourself a cuppa. And listen to us at least trying to make sense of the stories making the headlines.

2:34Poppy Coburn: Welcome to The Weekend Tea, a podcast taking a look back at the controversial and comical stories of the week. With two of The Telegraph's opinion writers, that's me Poppy Coburn. And me Michael Deacon. So for the next 20 minutes, relax, make yourself a cuppa. and listen to us at least trying to make sense of the stories making the headlines. Right, Michael. Before we get to any other business, I think we need to address the elephant in the room or the flamingo in the room. Yes. What are you wearing? Well, I think, as you can see perfectly well, I'm wearing an extremely elegant and stylish and tasteful shirt today, which I consider to be weather appropriate, given that it has been about 100 degrees Celsius all week long.

3:14Poppy Coburn: and therefore I think I'm perfectly entitled to dress as if I'm about to jump into the pool with a lovely cocktail. I mean, it's certainly colourful. You've embraced the semi-tropical vibes that Britain's having going on. I didn't even know that they sold shirts like that anymore. Well, this is actually, since you're asking if anyone wants to buy one for themselves or their husbands, this is actually one of my favourite designer labels. Oh, who are you wearing? George at Asda. Wow. From the Gravesend branch, but I presume it's available at outlets around the country as well. Anyway, I'm glad you've drawn attention to the shirt and not the other things I happen to be wearing, but just in case anyone is wondering.

3:51Poppy Coburn: Oh, no. I've got shorts and sandals. We will be disinfecting the table after Michael's decided to put his bare foot covered by but a whisper of a sandal onto the table today. You know, you're having a go at me here, but actually I think you should be grateful because I own shorts that are actually even louder than this shirt. I could have worn those, but you know what? I thought, out of consideration for you, I thought, no, I'm just going to wear plane shorts because I don't want Poppy to have a migraine or possibly a stroke and just collapse on the desk in front of her. So very kindly, I've gone quite plain there.

4:26Yeah, I mean, obviously it's a heatwave. If anyone in Britain hasn't realised by not going outside for a week, it is absolutely scorching. I know that last night I couldn't sleep a wink because I'm one of the idiots who hasn't installed air conditioning.

4:39Poppy Coburn: Well, same here. No, we've hardly slept a wink. So if anyone's wondering why this podcast is slightly meandering today, it's because we haven't slept since about Saturday. Yeah, this is a live experiment that we're doing right now. How long can you stop columnists from sleeping before they actually collapse on a table? Yeah, exactly that. Now, it's been horrible, hasn't it? Totally horrible. I usually don't like to whinge about the weather. I'm one of those people that's like, oh, it's summertime. We don't get many of these nice days. But my God, this is awful. I understand now. Well, my mum keeps talking about 1976 all the time.

5:09it is absolutely unbearable.

5:11Poppy Coburn: But this is actually worse than 1976, by the way. I mean, I believe we've had, I think, is it five summers since 1976 that are actually hotter than that. The hottest temperature in 1976 was 35.9. Well, it was hotter than that in my town, Gravesend. You know, I mean, schools have been shutting around the country. And I know a lot of people, particularly of older generation, are saying, oh, my goodness, woke snowflakes, can't they toughen up a bit? It's pathetic. But my God, it's, I mean, it is, I actually, you know, my son's 12 years old and his school is not shut. But he's been going to school exactly as normal.

5:41Poppy Coburn: The only concession his school has made is, oh, you're allowed to wear your PE kit instead of your uniform. But he said it's been absolutely sweltering. Well, speaking of people who have withered away in a very ignoble fashion, we've also lost our Prime Minister this week. Sad days. Very sad days. Rest in peace, Sir Keir. God bless him. I mean, he was pretty much in tears. I know I was. I'm sure the nation was watching his resignation speech. Yeah, that was very emotional. Yes. Very emotional indeed, especially with the beautiful music that was blasting out in the background throughout. Thank you, Steve Bray, for the ode to joy.

6:14Poppy Coburn: Yes, a professional heckler, Steve Bray, who's sort of been sort of blasting out idiotic music and stupid slogans outside Parliament pretty much every day since Brexit, hasn't he? He's the stop Brexit guy. And I think now that he's done this to Keir Starmer, I think even Remainers and Labour supporters are realising, hang on a minute, this guy we used to think is funny because he mocks Tories and Brexit. He's actually a moron. Exactly. It's like the kind of dying seasons of a talk show that used to be really funny. And now they're having to bring in all these extra characters. Oh, let's bring Andy Burnham back from season two.

6:47Let's bring him down from the north. He's got a new plot line. Steve Bray's been taken out of retirement for a bit of comedy relief.

6:53Poppy Coburn: Something's going to be done about Steve Bray. I mean, I personally, in general, I'm against the death penalty, but I think I'd be willing to make an exception for him. And let me tell you, as he shuffles up to the scaffold, I will be blasting out Ode to Joy the whole time just to make it even more. I'm going to sell tickets for this. I reckon pretty much every MP would pay 100 grand, 100 quid a head to watch this. I think what we should do instead is actually drop him in the place he wants to be so much, which is continental Europe. Let's put him in the middle of Spain, which is currently also experiencing a heatwave, with all of his EU kit on, and say good luck trying to walk back to Britain.

7:32If you can get him to a small boat and cross over the channel, we'll let you stay, but I'm not sure you're going to make it.

7:37Poppy Coburn: Very, very sensible. Anyway, you mentioned Andy Burnham, our future. King in the North. Now to be the king of the South, West, East and everywhere else. Yes, our upcoming Prime Minister, who's looking very happy with all about 400-odd Labour MPs in their nauseating selfie they took in Parliament mere minutes after their beloved leader had just tearfully resigned. He's being very happy now, but I personally predict that that's not going to last. I think he's going to become even more hated than Keir Starmer, as I have to say, very, very quickly. How is he going to be more hated than the most unpopular prime minister in our history?

8:09Poppy Coburn: Oh, I think he's got it in him. I mean, first of all, because actually I think he will genuinely be an even worse prime minister than Keir Starmer, because I think he's actually even weaker. I think he's even worse for U-turns than Keir Starmer. That's one thing. But actually, I think there's another point, which is even more important, which is that when things go wrong for him, as they do for all prime ministers, people will actually be less sympathetic even than they are normally, because they will say, well, Starmer may have been rubbish. But, you know, at least he won an election. You know, he presented a manifesto to the country.

8:39Poppy Coburn: The country voted and he became prime minister in the usual way. Whereas this guy, he wasn't even in parliament. He wasn't even a candidate then. He didn't stand on a manifesto. He was painting bees on buses. He's turned out out the middle of nowhere. He's not got any kind of legitimacy here at all, no democratic mandate. And it was bad enough when the Tories kept chopping and changing leaders when they were in office. But at least they'd all been elected on the previous manifesto. So they had at least a sliver of legitimacy, which he does not have. And the other thing is Labour have got over 400 MPs.

9:10Poppy Coburn: And yet when they decided they wanted to change their leader, they looked around and they couldn't find a single one of them who was up to the jobs. They've had to bus in this guy from outside Parliament from nowhere. I mean, that's pathetic, isn't it? What's it tell you about the standard of Labour MPs today? Yeah, only Labour, only the hashtag be kind per grade, could stab a Prime Minister in the back and then pose for a massive selfie afterwards. Immediately, yeah. I mean, the body's not even cold. You guys are ruthless. You make the Tories look weak. But yeah, no, funnily enough, I don't think the country, I do agree with you, is going to be taken in by his dark eyelashes and fashionable T-shirts, as Kemmy Baden-Ock mentioned as PMQs this week.

9:48No, no, exactly. I'm not sure he's long for this world. I'm not sure he's on to this world. I'm afraid not.

9:53Poppy Coburn: Anyway, forget Andy Burnham, he's old news for me, because the politician of the week for me is this brand new MP for the SNP. Yes. Now, she's a very peculiar person. She's called Lara Bird, or at least that's what she calls herself now, because I believe her full name is actually, I'm going to have to read this out because it's so peculiar, Pilar Lara Birdleakey. Birdleakey. That has a double-barrelled surname, Birdleakey. Now, I think I can understand why she's dropped the leakey. You don't want to be called Birdleakey. Sounds like a seagull accident. Vivid? Yes, exactly that. What's happened to your car?

10:23Poppy Coburn: Oh, bird leaking. Yeah, so, OK, I don't blame her for changing her name, but essentially she's got a lot of attention, first of all, because when she was taking the oath to the king, she very ostentatiously put her hand in the air and crossed her finger to go, ooh, I don't actually mean this, you know. She's bobbing her head along, stroppy, stomping her feet. Massive, sulky, left-wing teenager, basically, sort of pathetically juvenile. But what makes it even more interesting is that she did all this in a broad Scottish accent. Now you might think, well, of course, she's an MP for the SNP. Of course she's Scottish.

10:55Poppy Coburn: But here's the odd thing. People have since uncovered videos of her talking before she entered Parliament and she actually has a very posh English accent. Yeah, let's take a listen. I take this oath only so that I can serve the people of Arbroath and Bratty Ferry. My first allegiance is and always will be the sovereign people of Scotland. On the 5th of August, Netanyahu announced plans to fully reoccupy the Gaza Strip. And on the 7th, the Israeli cabinet approved these plans, which will include relocating over one million Palestinians living in Gaza. My dad has been saved by the RNLI twice, actually.

11:32Once by the Oban station and once by the Tobamori station. No, I was just going to say, correct me if I'm wrong, because the petition specifically speaks from the period of the Balfour Declaration up until the creation of the State of Israel.

11:45Poppy Coburn: It's very, very peculiar. It's as if now that she's become a Scottish nationalist, she feels that she has to have a Scottish accent to go with it. Are you telling me that Bird Leakey might not be the kind of woman of integrity I thought she was when she was wearing her miniskirt and thigh highs in the House of Commons? It's surprising, isn't it? It's very puzzling. But anyway, a lot of people have been making fun of her for having two accents. But actually, I'm actually not going to join in with that. Yes, of course. As I might have mentioned before, I myself was born in Scotland, grew up in Scotland, but I've never had a Scottish accent.

12:16Poppy Coburn: I have an English accent, not my dad for some reason. I didn't know accents were hereditary, but apparently mine is. But in any case, even though I grew up in Scotland, I can't even do a Scottish accent. I mean, since this woman is a master of accents, I might have to ask her, how do you go from sounding posh English to sounding Scottish? There's still hope for you. I'm going to need training. There's still hope for you as an SNP, NP yet. We're going to turn it around for you because there are multiple vacant positions now in the party. It's not just Bird Leakey who they've been struggling with.

12:45It's also our favourite political spouse, Peter Murrell.

12:48Poppy Coburn: Of course, yes. He has now been sent to prison for five years and three months for spending hundreds of thousands of pounds of his party's money on all manner of peculiar items. And apparently what gave him away was the cookware he was buying because the police investigating thought, hang on a minute, why is it that a political party is spending such large sums of money on Le Creuset cookware? A man of great taste. Well maybe so but why would a political party need that? What is the SNP's message to the nation? You know independence for Scotland, better funded public services and a free lasagna for every voter.

13:27Poppy Coburn: So they always thought well this is a bit odd and that's why they investigated and they thought hang on a minute. There's a really great photo taken by police officers when they raided the home where they've obviously pulled open a kitchen drawer and you can see about 20 mugs of multiple colours all the crusade. I mean, it kind of speaks to the psychology of the man. How many cups of coffee was he having? Was that why he had to buy that£4 ,000 coffee machine, just to fill all the Le Creuset mugs? You can see how it kind of barrels in on of itself. First you buy the mugs, then you get the coffee, then you're like, well, I've got to get my camper van out so I can enjoy my coffee and go on my long holidays.

14:04It's spiralled out of control. It could have happened to anyone.

14:06Poppy Coburn: I mean, to be fair, if you're a politician, you're staying up for election night, you need a lot of coffee. But I feel that 20 cups is perhaps pushing it a little bit. Yes, strange man. And of course, you know, as we all remember from when this story broke a few weeks ago, he'd been spending 700 quid on expensive hair dryers and things like that for a guy who's completely bald. And then, of course, there was the wonderful story about how he was panic buying loo rolls while his wife, the first minister of Scotland at the time, Nicola Sturgeon, was telling the Scottish public, stop panic buying loo rolls.

14:36Well, there is a telegraph angle to this, though, that we should all be glad of. because every single penny that was spent on Lee Roll, camper vans, Le Creuset mugs, coffee machines, is a penny that wasn't going towards the Scottish independence cause. So I think that's a happy note that we can kind of end this on.

14:53Poppy Coburn: Very true, very true. Good point. Thank you very much, Agent Murrell, for your service. Always look on the bright side of life. That's always what I say. Anyway, still to come, find out what Miranda Hart and I have in common and the Sunbed Wars have broken out in Europe.

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17:20Poppy Coburn: So, Poppy, I think we're all dying to know, what exactly have you got in common with Miranda Hart? Yeah, that's quite a good question. It's not the height or the comedy skills whatsoever. It's actually that we both regret a quite formative experience in our lives. We both regret having gone to university. And I think we're not alone. It's not just me and Miranda Hart, because there's been some interesting data that's come out this week. So one in four graduates makes less money than someone who didn't bother going to university. And of course, that was the kind of Tony Blair message, right? 50 % of people are going to go to uni, but you'll make more money afterwards.

17:56that will somehow make the economy better and we'll have services, jobs, etc, etc Labour supermajority but that hasn't happened so I'm not quite sure why Miranda regretted it I think it's because it's not what she wanted to do in her heart

18:09Poppy Coburn: She says she studied political science but she never had any real interest in that she always dreamt of being an actress She hasn't ended up as a politician, has she? Well, she thought she would never make it she didn't have the confidence she was never chosen for school plays all this sort of thing so she thought, oh, I'd better just go and get a normal degree like everyone else is getting and now she thinks, no, no, I shouldn't have done that what's the point and yeah I sympathise with that because now that just about everyone goes to university there's not really any particular value in having a degree because everyone's got one, unless you're going to train to be a doctor or something like that but if you've got a non-vocational degree what kind of advantages?

18:41Poppy Coburn: It used to be when only about 5 % of school leaders went to university it was an advantage to have any degree at all because they said oh wow this person has got a degree, they must be very intelligent and now it's like well if everyone's gone any idiot can get a degree. Yeah I was going to say listen to me Well, there you go. But you regret it. Are you sure you wouldn't be working your fabulous media job if you didn't have a degree? I mean, I like to think. Everyone seems to have these days. I like to think not. I like to think that I've got here on the basis of my own gumption. I mean, to be fair, I'm slightly biased about the university question.

19:10I was one of the unlucky people who was a Covid student. So I had one year of university, kind of. There were strikes going on throughout the whole year. and then in my second year the COVID pandemic hit and it was like okay go home and study for your finals in your bedroom that you were sharing with your sister so I became very bitter about university afterwards and I became more bitter still when I realised how much money was coming out of my pay packet every month to pay off my student loans which because of the interest rate rise have gone up and up so yes I'm a stereotypical young person yes I'm wondering about student loans but I do think there's a broader point to be made here which is there are so many people going to university now who don't really know why they're going they think like oh it's going to be good fun for three years i'm about to get drunk make friends make some memories well it didn't really work for me because i was trapped in my room but it may not also work for you because you're not going to have any money at the end of it so do something much smarter and you can trust me because i have a degree go take out a payday loan go to thailand have the best three months of your life and then get a proper job yes that's that's not actually proper financial advice please do not take out a payday loan.

20:18But don't go to university unless you absolutely have to, because I totally regret it.

20:23Poppy Coburn: Because not only will you have a burning less than someone who's barely got two GCSEs to rub together, apparently. You know, you'll also have, what, 60 grand of debt, or whatever the hell it is nowadays. Yes, I'm still, again, very bitter about the entire situation. So let's go mentally on holiday now. I need to get out of the UK. This is too depressing. Well, I'm mentally on holiday. I mean, I'm physically on holiday, as you can see. there you are I'm ready for a dip in the pool or the Thames or whatever's near us. Tell me about the sunbed walls story because I know we've got a video that we can quickly pay for people.

20:55You shouldn't be reserving sun loungers if you're not going to sit on them. I cannot believe how this video has blown up that these sorts of comments saying why am I doing it when there's lots of seats available and the reason I did it is because in half an hour's time those seats won't be available and people will be coming down looking for seats and the ones that have put them on in their pajamas and dressing gowns took it off back to bed and left them and now on the beach having fun there walking around the shops then having their lunch having their breakfast and coming back about two o 'clock in the afternoon and wanting those seats that they reserved at six o 'clock in the morning it's not it's not on it's not on i know you know we've all paid the saying for the holiday we're all entitled to sit by the pool so michael what's your immediate

21:49Poppy Coburn: reaction to this well apparently the story is that this this woman this woman here who i don't know who she is she's an ordinary british holiday maker looks like jay goody's grandmother um she got very very sick of other holiday makers at her resort hogging all the sunbeds you know they get up first thing in the morning and they throw the towels and stuff down and they claim them and then she turns up and they're like, oh, there's no sunbeds left and they're not even sitting on the sunbeds, they're not using them there in the pool or wherever they are. So she got very, very angry and she thought, I'm going to take action, I'm going to chuck all this stuff away and loads of people have seemed to be greeting her as some kind of a hero.

22:25Poppy Coburn: I've got to say, I can't, I, no. Wait, hang on. No. Hang on. I'm against this because, okay, I'm going to admit this up front now, I'm one of those people who likes to get up early and claim a sunbed for the day. Alright? Maybe, I don't know, maybe I'm spiritually German. I don't know. I'm going to have to look through my family tree, see if there's a German branch of the family that's compelling me to do this sort of genetically. But anyway, yeah, I like to claim her a good sunbed. And if she doesn't like it, well, here's a tip for your love. Try getting out of bed a bit earlier, you lazy person.

22:55Oh my God. I thought you were a wrong one when you came in here wearing this shirt. Now I know you're a wrong one. This is absolutely terrible. I'm completely in favour of what this woman has done. There is nothing worse than when you go on holiday and you want to relax and you're stuck in this zero-sum war against your fellow travellers where you have to get up earlier and earlier and earlier every morning to passive aggressively place your towel in your favourite spot by the beach or by the pool. This is ridiculous. You can't relax on holiday if you're constantly thinking, I've got to get up at 5am so I can battle with my fellow resort goers.

23:31No, what you should do is you should be polite, you should wake up at a reasonable time you should either order something you know at the till when you arrive at your hotel you should arrange something with the hotel staff or like a normal person you should accept that you've woken up at 8am you've got your hotel breakfast you'll actually walk down and there will be some sunbed there for you because nobody has got up too early and hogged them all

23:55Poppy Coburn: it's totally selfish or alternatively the resort should just put out enough sun loungers for everyone it's a radical idea and i don't believe any resort has ever thought of this before in my experience hasn't occurred to any of them which is why all of this happens but anyway it's just a suggestion of putting it out there it's blue it's blue sky thinking but who knows oh yeah worth considering that that's kind of the ultimate way of dealing with of his problems isn't it we just need 300 ton lodges so then we don't have to create these wars yes against each other in any case i still have no sympathy with this woman at all and so if somehow i find myself uh the same resorts her, which frankly looking at her I think is unlikely, no offence.

24:34Poppy Coburn: I will be finding her phone and chucking that in the pool so we don't have any more of these revolting videos from her. Okay, well if we're ever on a holiday together I'm going to make sure I set my alarm one minute before yours, just so I can put the towel down exactly in the place that you wanted so we can have our own little Pasag war here and see who enjoys it, who cracks first. Why not? Well, I'll get my own back on you by wearing this shirt and these sandals. Oh no, not again! Okay, I think that's enough I can't deal with any more of the views of your feet and your shirt you've been listening to The Weekend Tea and you'll see us again next week

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26:09And there is one thing that I can promise you.

26:11Poppy Coburn: Nothing compares to the World Cup. And this time it is even better thanks to McDonald's. You have the chance to take home one of nine legendary cups when you order the FIFA World Cup meal. The cups feature some of the biggest legends in football, like David Beckham, Terry Henry, and Ronaldinho, Christian Pulisic, Lamine Yamal, and Alphonso Davies. Right now, get one of nine legendary cups when you order the FIFA World Cup meal only at McDonald's. At participating McDonald's, only for a limited time, while supplies last. All rights reserved. Copyright 2026. McDonald's at the FIFA World Cup 2026.