The greatest punishment ever inflicted on Trump: Andy Burnham

0:02The Telegraph.

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1:11Michael Deacon: Hello and welcome to The Weekend Tea with me, Poppy Coburn. And me, Michael Deacon.

1:26Michael Deacon: It's big news this week. We have just inflicted the greatest international punishment on Donald Trump imaginable for his many, many crimes against humanity. He's had to meet our new Prime Minister, Andy Burnham. I'm terribly sorry to hear it. I don't think it went particularly well from the clips that did come out of the meeting. Because Andy Burnham, you know, we're always being told here in the United Kingdom, he's got this personal appeal. He can cut through to people. He's a former mayor. He can shake hands. He's not like the robot Keir Starmer. but it does seem like an awful lot of Andy Burnham's charm relies on making references to Oasis and what you call a bread roll and I kind of think for a New York real estate developer those things are going to go over his head a little bit.

2:08That is true I thought it could have been a lot worse for Andy Burnham because you know Trump does have a habit of really embarrassing people he very often you'll see him next to a world leader with the cameras on them and just anything happened. You remember early in the year, it was him and the Japanese prime minister in front of their cameras. And within moments, Trump's making jokes about Pearl Harbor and poor woman doesn't know where to look. So it could have been a lot worse. I mean, yeah, Burnham probably beforehand was thinking, oh my God, what's he going to say? Something like, what's your name again?

2:36Burnham? Sorry, I don't normally bother learning the names of you guys anymore. You're always changing leader and some other guy will probably replace you next month.

2:45Michael Deacon: I always think that when world leaders do have to go up and do this, they must just be thinking about Zelensky like as long as I don't have a worse meeting with Donald Trump then Zelensky had it I'm wearing a suit and I've got a tie on so that's number one he can't have a go at me for my clothes like he did for Zelensky so that's been sorted and is he got life or death decisions about the future of my country which is currently being invaded by Russia not yet so okay we're really on we're really on a good footing here that's how low the bar is I think Andy Burnham's probably in light of that he's probably quite happy with it And also there was a bit where Trump effectively said Burnham's a better prime minister than Keir Starmer.

3:25Although I appreciate it's not the highest bar. I mean, it's a bit like being told you're a better childminder than King Herod. But it's something. He'll take that, won't he?

3:33Michael Deacon: Well, you can still see a bit of Burnham's regionalism come through. So he did mention Donald Trump had made one of his many throwaway comments, like, you know, we should reunify Ireland. This one was like, what's Manchester? Didn't really care about Manchester, funnily enough. And Burnham did try and get a little dig in. and Trump just looked completely like, what? Who? Where? Manchester? Where's that? You could just tell he's thinking about the next meeting he's going to have with Netanyahu or some other great statesman from across the world. He's like, which one's this again? Burnham? Oh, right, okay.

4:04Michael Deacon: Manchester? Is that next to Birmingham, Burnham? Yeah, what about that? Yeah, sure. I thought the only bit actually that didn't go so well for Burnham was the stuff about the Chagos islands deal because for some insane reason burnham wants to revive starmer's deal and uh trump just shot that down immediately so that was a terrible deal terrible terrible and then since then basically uh burnham's having to row back on it and reconsider and where's streeting is sort of admitted oh maybe it's not a such a good deal at the moment that americans aren't so keen now some people might think oh well this just shows uh you know um how pathetic britain is nowadays we just you know we let ourselves get pushed around by the american president just like that i'm thinking yeah okay but actually in this case the american president is right i'm glad he's pushing our prime minister around because our prime minister's totally wrong why on earth still after two years still have not adequately explained why is they want to give away vital british territory to an ally of china and not only that pay them loads of our money into the bargain what you know trump's track record on ireland hasn't been great so not great on ireland itself not great on the falklands greenland i suppose had a happy ending in the end but it was pretty tough going up until that point but on the shagos islands i think he has basically been correct which is he's like this is the worst trade deal in the history of all trade deals forever but it's another example where you know there's a specter that's haunted the feast this is all keir starmer the long keir starmer government so he's already having to deal with like restoring the relationship with donald trump which was ruined by keir starmer even though he was rolling over on his belly and going well do you think you like donald here's a letter from the king donald please don't stifle me donald and then he also has to defend this insane deal but nobody can seem to make work yeah oh sorry apart from powell powell obviously thinks it's a fantastic deal of course because i don't think he's really working for you like a kingdom but there you go well anyway this is one other depressing so why don't we cheer ourselves up by uh talking about something a little lighter which is the uh frankly treasonous new book by earl spencer this is my telegraph There you go.

6:08I mean, you know, they always say, don't they, there's no such thing as bad publicity. But Earl Spencer is putting that to the test with his book because, you know, he is currently making Harry's memoirs look like some kind of PR triumph, really, isn't he, at the moment?

6:20Michael Deacon: Yes. I actually saw a very funny thing on social media where Bella Mackey has a new book out that it's titled Claws Out. And the bookstore had put it in the window next to Swan Song by Earl Spencer as a funny little dig at him. So yes, 29 years after the event of his sister dying, he suddenly realised that now is the opportune moment to tear up these very, very personal family disputes all over again, as if the king isn't already suffering enough from having Harry moving back into the country and starting another war with William and Kate. So yeah, it's quite unpleasant some of the details that have come out of this.

6:55Michael Deacon: The one that I found the most incomprehensible, and surely someone in the memoir business must have gone, can we actually stand this up, is the idea that the king was giddy with excitement when he heard that Diana had died. The mother of his children, he was giddy with excitement. Not only was he giddy with excitement, he decided to give this away when he was talking to her brother. And we're supposed to believe that that apparently happened. Do we think the king is Patrick Bateman? on the whole probably not no and yeah yeah and and spencer's getting in in in trouble uh from other quarters as well now because you've got piers morgan threatening uh to sue him uh because he said parts about him in the book are grossly inaccurate and defamatory um for example he says that uh spencer claims that when morgan was editor of the mirror he'd run you know um sort of certain photos of um diana uh the gym working out on a leotard and morgan says well actually those photos were published two whole years before i even joined the mirror so that's nothing to do with me various other things like that um it just makes me wonder uh you know what's going on in the publishing industry don't they hire fact checkers anymore you would think a book like this as well quite a sensitive subject really making explosive games about the actual king i think we might get a fact checker to have a good look at it first i mean even in the bits that aren't about the king i think let's check the dates at least check the bits about pierce morgan famously the tinctious pierce morgan he's not exactly going to take it lying down and it's very interesting anything that's ever been written about him he's definitely going to seize on it the first person and he knows a story when he sees it so he thinks right there's a story and it's about me i mean everything i could dream of great i mean he did make a very good point which is if you've got the facts on this wrong something that would have taken you literally 10 minutes to figure out a basic amount of due diligence where else have the recollections may vary aspect of this story gone slightly awry so i do think he has quite a strong point there about um what is actually being done with the book and what's the purpose yeah and how much of this book can you trust if you can't get a date right well he's not the only person cashing in on the royal family legacy and royal family internal drama harry is writing a documentary about diana yeah i i've seen a lot of people being quite critical of him for doing this i'm actually going to defend harry here okay because when he brought out his memoirs spare i thought at the time this is a very bad idea shouldn't be airing all this sort of dirty laundry in public about his relationships with his brother and his father and his stepmother and all the rest of it what i thought was if he's going to write a book at all he should just do uh just a really poignant and moving book purely about his his mother his memories his mother and he should just make it you know and people probably find that very moving i think that you know if he's saying you know here's my memories of her and here's how i felt after i lost her you know people would sympathize with that because my god you know she was killed when he was what 12 years old i i think if it had just been about that and not been about the rest of his family i think people would have been sympathetic to him then i think i think that would have been a better idea although i will say one thing because in his book spare there was one particular story he told in relation to his mother and let's just say i think he he should have left that out i don't know if you know this story but because i am burdened with this knowledge i don't have to suffer alone so i'm going to inflict it on you and you're never going to be able to forget this by the way i'm sorry about that you're looking at me and very intensely okay i don't know whether you know the story okay so harry's talking about how as a grown man uh he and some friends had made a journey to the arctic circle do you know the story do you know where i'm going okay keep going get be ready for this it's gonna hit you okay he comes home and he's uh in let's say some discomfort because he discovered that he had frostbite on his penis now you might say that's quite enough information already harry please don't we didn't need to know that but no i'm afraid there's more he goes on because in an attempt to soothe the frostbite on his penis he started rubbing it with his late mother's favorite face cream i think it's elizabeth arden is that the name of the brand yes i think it was yes why he did that i don't know but also why did he tell us why would you why would you put that in a book that's inevitably going to be read by every journalist, practically every human being on Earth.

11:20I mean, the thing is, you know, it's one of the biggest selling non-fiction books of all time, by the way, and you know it's going to sell. Why did you let us know this, Harry? There are a few steps involved.

11:29Michael Deacon: I mean, first of all, I wouldn't tell someone I had frostbitten genitals. That's not just me. But OK, fine. He's made this brave choice. He's exposing all, literally. Thanks, Harry. Why then add in the fun little detail, it's your late mother's favourite face cream? As a little tidbit there. Don't ask me. Just a little tidbit, the Elizabeth Arden Cream, which you're now going to always think of Harry's private parts alongside with. So, I mean, maybe he is going to make a really moving and wonderful documentary if he's assisted by other people and not him. Ideally, just don't include that bit. Yes.

12:03And I would strongly advise against doing a demonstration for the cameras.

12:07Michael Deacon: Yeah, no, I don't think Ofcom allows that sort of thing anymore. Yeah. The way it's gone mad. Well, anyway, that is enough about the Duke of Sussex's penis. Shall we perhaps move on? There's one more royal story. Now, this is to do with William and Kate, and they've been to a premiere, and they've met Tom Cruise. And the reason I want to talk about this is because of the wonderful photo of the three of them standing together. Now, there's a very old comedy sketch, a classic one, very famous. I don't know if you know it because it's sold in black and white. This may be a bit before your time. Even before your time.

12:39It is actually before my time, but I do know it. Okay, there's three famous comedians, they're standing in a row. John Cleese, he's very, very tall. Ronnie Barker, medium height. Ronnie Corbett, tiny. And three of them standing in a row. And you see this photo of William, he's about six foot three or something. Kate, very tall for a woman, five foot ten, but sort of average, you know, compared with a man. And then this little tiny Tom Cruise, little Tom Thumb there beside him. Now, Tom Cruise, I get the impression he's normally quite careful, you know, not to show.

13:08Michael Deacon: Getting the right angles, getting the heels on the shoes. Yeah, that sort of thing, not to show that he's actually a little bit shorter than average for a man. But in this photo, there's no escaping. And I guess when you're standing next to a royal couple, you can't just whip out a box or something and try and pretend you're taller than they. That might be against royal protocol. No, you're not allowed to suggest that you are somehow taller than our future king. How dare you say? I don't know. But anyway. Well, here's a suggestion for Harry and Meghan. If you want to win the PR war, if you want to get all the A-list celebrities back on side, which might be a little bit difficult now that you've left Hollywood.

13:39Michael Deacon: but you're back in the United Kingdom, what you need to do is you need to approach Tom Cruise on your knees. Just pretend you've always been walking like that. And just go up and say, have you grown, Tom? You're looking very tall and handsome today. And that's how you're going to win the PR war. Very good. Think about it. Even better, and if you want to repair your relationship with your family, you could go up to a William and Kate on your knees. Brilliant. We've just sold the Royal Rift. That's the photo we're all looking for. Well, if we can get the exclusive photos, your majesties, your highnesses, sorry.

14:11Yes, please.

14:12Michael Deacon: They're going to have to lose a couple more lawsuits before they're going to do that one. OK, all right. There you are. Well, that's the last resort.

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16:02Michael Deacon: Well speaking of people who have been maybe humiliated themselves this week Wes Streeting had a classic nightmare scenario where you can imagine some poor special assistant has got sacked for this he was in an interview and he realised as he was actually being questioned by the journalist that he didn't have the figures about the new military space squadron What's the number of personnel deployed? What's the level of investment, Secretary of State? So for good reason. We don't comment on operational detail, but we're talking initially in terms of this new unit and tens of people. Sorry, tens of people to defend space.

16:38And that's what's required to run the command. And that's a good, wise level of resource. I suspect we'll see this grow over time.

16:50Michael Deacon: There'll be tens of people, tens of people involved, which is a great number. It's really vague, tens. It sounds like you're really across your brief, Wes. But one of the reasons this is so great is because it will remind people of an even better politician screwing out that number story, which is, of course, the brilliant Diane Abbott. So how much would 10 ,000 police officers cost? Well, if we recruit the 10 ,000 police men and women over a four-year period, we believe it'll be about£300 ,000. £300 ,000 for 10 ,000 police officers? What are you paying them? No, I mean, sorry. How much will they cost?

17:35They will cost... it will cost about£80 million. About£80 million. And this was all over this place. Amazing. In fact, the interview was so amazing. She was doing a media round that day. All of her other interviews that day were about the interview she'd just given and how she'd screwed it up. That was incredible. God bless her.

18:01Michael Deacon: Well, if only we'd listened to Diane Abbott, you know, we would have a quarter of a million police officers. Maybe we wouldn't be in a position while we're releasing all these early... I mean, it would be a bit Starship Troopers. A little bit frightening to have a police state under the Labour government. But, you know, maybe she was a genius all along. Oh, God bless you, Diane. Maybe when she wore two left shoes one day, it was actually because she was seeing into the future and that was going to be a big star. So, hold on, 2030, Diane Abbott... It's a theory. ...totally vindicated. Now, there's no doubting about the meme of the week on social media.

18:31And that is a video of Rory Stewart. Now, this is taken off... Now, was he on Newsnight? Is that it? It was on Newsnight. He was on Newsnight. And there's other people on the panel. They're having a discussion. There's people either side of him. And they're talking. And the clip just consists of him constantly just turning his head from side to side. And some, anyway, this little clip has gone viral. And someone very cleverly, I think it's Mark Wallace of Total Politics, give him the credit because it was very good. He basically added the noise of tennis players grunting and hitting the ball. So it looks as if Roy Stewart's just watching a tennis match.

19:05Michael Deacon: This is really, really fantastic. So it's Alvarez, he's the political editor at the Least Statesman. I think the host throws to her, you know, it's like, oh, what do you think? Here's your 30 seconds to tell you what you think about the big issues of the day. And I think Rory Stewart, someone must have told him, I assume, because he's now such a famous, respected podcaster, failed politician, but we can let bygones be bygones. Make sure that when a young woman is speaking, that you listen and make sure that people know that you're listening. I just think Rory took it very seriously because he looks at her like, it's like his neck protrudes.

19:41Michael Deacon: He comes out to get even closer. He is actively listening. He is really, really listening to this poor lady as she's about to speak. I mean, I've never seen body language like it before anywhere. Is Rory Stewart actually from the United Kingdom? Are you sure he's not from space and he's just come down to the mothership? It's worth considering. That's not the first time, actually, I think that's been suggested, I feel. Oh, yes. There may be other clues. But I think on this occasion, I know everybody else is laughing at it. Oh, here we go. I think I'm going to have to defend Rory Stewart. How are you going to defend him?

20:11First I defend Prince Harry, now I'm defending Rory Stewart. I know. I might as well move to the Guardian. But on this occasion, I'm going to have to defend him. Because, I don't know, it's people either side of you and they're having an argument like that. You can't help looking at the person who's talking. Because what's the alternative? Should he just be staring out straight ahead of him like that? Or right into the camera. Or should he only be staring at one of them the entire time like that Even while the other one's talking, I'm just going to stare. He's staring at you. I'm not going to embarrass myself by moving my hand from the side to the side constantly.

20:38I'm just going to do this.

20:40Michael Deacon: I'm just looking around at all the cameras. What makes you feel most uncomfortable, if I just stare at you? Or would you prefer if I was at your ramrod? There's only two of us looking at each other. There's several of him. They're on the other side of him. So he's looking around. I don't know. Moving away from Rory Stewart into people who are actually doing a good job in this country. I really love this story. He's already been getting some flack from this. so there was a judge who was hearing a case from bed because he was recovering from an operation so it was an achilles heel situation where he couldn't actually walk right it was surgery on his heel um and so he was dealing with the court cases and this was the case of an optometrist who had been struck off and this was still upheld so he did his job properly but he was doing it from bed so he he was doing a video interview for the case and he was overseeing it from his bed now that has got a bit of flack particularly from the person who was actually involved in the case who said um i at least want to have a judge who's actually physically there and not horizontal which i can understand why you might be a little bit concerned about it but i think there's something wonderful about someone not taking the time off sick which he obviously could have done you know he's just gone through an operation but then you know what i'm going to keep working even if i have to work in bed it reminds me of mps and the stories of mps being dragged in where they had to do a really important vote some of them being pulled in on stretches they're like giving birth yeah or they're just really drunk.

22:02Michael Deacon: This is how societies operate. So even if you are recovering from major surgery, you're just there on Zoom. That's not work from home laziness. That's inspiration. Well, exactly. We're often very critical of work from home. Well, obviously I'm not because I work from home. But as an organisation, sometimes we run articles knocking people who work from home. But here, clearly, is evidence of someone who's working from home effectively. One thing is they're actually working. That's the thing. I mean, this judge was not, definitely not sitting there watching this morning or something like Lorraine Kelly.

22:33Michael Deacon: It would have been a problem for him on his phone, you know, playing Clash of Clans. That would have been offensive. Well, I believe that there's worse things that people do on cameras during Zoom calls. But let's not go into that. I know nothing of it. It's just something I've heard about. Let's not dwell. This is a story that's going to appeal to you, Michael, because you've written about it in your columns before. And it's something I care about, too. when people play loud music on public transport, which I'm sure is the bane of everyone's life. But here is a serious country that has come in and has said, if you play loud music on public transportation, which is an anti-social act, we are going to fine you for a significant amount of money.

23:10Michael Deacon: It's, of course, Singapore. Singapore, yes. Famously liberal and democratic country, Singapore. Well, I think that's great news, very sensible. But having said that, given this is Singapore, I would have expected to be a tougher. I mean, they are incredibly tough and law and order. I'd have thought it would be like sort of, you know, public execution or something like that by their standards. Chopping people's hands off. There you go. So I think actually, you know, if you're a sodcaster in Singapore, you're getting off lightly with a fine. But I will say that they've got some very, very strict rules over there.

23:37And there's one I want to point out to you here. Just did you know if you're in Singapore, if you use a public lavatory and fail to flush it properly after use, you can receive an on the spot fine of$150. Now, what I want to know is, how exactly do the authorities monitor this? How do they know that you haven't flushed in order to administer this on the spot fine right there and then? In every single cubicle in Singapore. It's a guy I'm here again. Stop. Is there an armed guard in there? He's standing there the whole time, his whole shift, eight hours. He's standing there all day right inside the cubicle while you come in, do your business.

24:12He's watching as he flushed. Good. OK, he's flushed. I think I get performance anxiety. 150 pounds or i mean maybe if there isn't a guard in there do they have cameras okay are there security guards they're monitoring they've got all these monitors they're staring at them all the time that guy's not flush they send in a swat team pin him to the ground it's gonna be the worst

24:30Michael Deacon: data breach of all time yeah we have hundreds of videos of you going to the toilet that have accidentally been hacked by you know some some russian gangsters and now they've been published everywhere on the internet thanks singapore so i mean as i say i don't know how they monitor this because I've never been to Singapore, but having read that story, I think maybe I'm not going to on the whole. Yeah. Okay, I'm changing my mind, which is a shame because I've just bought a massive book of Lee Cornu's aphorisms. What a delightful bedside reading. There you go. Although it could come in for other uses because if someone is talking on my commute back home, I could just bludgeon them over the top of the head and that would keep them quiet.

25:07Are they playing the loud music? There you are.

25:09Michael Deacon: Yeah, last thing they'll ever hear. Off it goes. There you are. Because this is pretty thick. I think this is going to keep me occupied. Standing ovation for the whole carriage. so that's why i'm getting my ideas from people be afraid be very afraid anyway oh there's one more story i want to talk about if we've got time uh now this is about rubik's cube now i don't know about you you as a child were you any good at the rubik's cube i wasn't any good at it although i tried to be but always rubbish don't have quick enough hand movements i can guarantee i was worse i hope i don't have a clue i mean it's too much for my meager intellect or certainly my meager reserves of patience but in any case the reason i mention it it's a six-year-old girl six six-year-old girl from China has just set a new record by solving an entire Rubik's cube, not just a side, an entire Rubik's cube in under five seconds.

25:53How? I don't understand it. But you know what? My son, OK, he's 12 years old. When he was about eight or so, he was quite into Rubik's cubes. Although, you know, he considers them beneath his dignity now because he's a 12 year old boy now. He's just into violent, violent video games. There you go. So there you are. I mentioned this to him last night. I said, do you know this girl in China, she just set a new record by solving it under five seconds. And he said, that's no record. He said, 2022, there's a bloke from Poland who did it in under three seconds. He said, that record, that's just a new girl's record.

26:23Oh, wow. So there you are. Well, yeah, that put me in my place. So there you go. It's quite aggressive for a six-year-old. Five seconds, yeah, pathetic. Yeah, what a loser.

26:29Michael Deacon: Six-year-old boy could probably get in one. There you are. This is the problem. There you are. Funny enough, you know, when might, shall I embarrass him by mentioning this? Please. I don't know. Maybe I'll ask for it taken out. I don't know. He's not going to watch this. Jesus. anyway yeah when he was about eight years old into the roots he used to get me to time him they're just just solving a single side okay not the whole thing i don't think he ever solved the whole thing but uh for single side his record was 6.95 seconds which okay is not quite up to the standard of chinese six-year-old girls but it's a hell of a lot better than i don't think i've ever solved a single side i don't mean it's not like i'm doing it all the time but you know um but anyway hey i thought that was very good i want to tell you one more thing about rubik's cube are the famous people who are good at rubik's cubes okay ed milliband has claimed that he can solve a rubik's cube in 90 seconds which sounds impressive wow well done but i tell you what justin bieber the pop star has said that he can solve rubik's cube in 83 seconds get him in his foreign secretary in your face for a secretary how about that that's really embarrassing for ed milliband because he's such a geek he really should be much better at geeky things when when When he sees this podcast and he finds out about Bieber, I mean, honestly, all he'll be doing is working on his record.

27:41Which would be a good thing because it would keep him off doing his day job.

27:43Michael Deacon: I was going to say, stop us creating diplomatic incidents. There you go. Keep yourself well-liked, please, Ed Williband. Fingers crossed. Well, that's all from us. You'll see us again next week. If you like our podcast, we think you'll enjoy From the Editor, The Telegraph's free daily newsletter. It's your essential guide to the day's top stories, including our editor's pick of must-read features and opinion. Simply click the sign-up button now and look forward to reading it every morning.

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