World Cup sickies, expensive weddings - and guinea pig for lunch?

0:03The Telegraph.

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1:11Poppy Coburn: Welcome to The Weekend Tea, a podcast taking a look back at the controversial and comical stories of the week. With two of The Telegraph's opinion writers, that's me, Poppy Coburn. And me, Michael Deacon. So for the next 20 minutes, relax, make yourself a cuppa. and listen to us at least trying to make sense of the stories making the headlines.

1:39Right, so I think first we have to talk about the sick man of Europe, which is you. You're not feeling very well.

1:44Poppy Coburn: I'm afraid not. My son was off school sick yesterday and I feel like I may have caught whatever it is he had. I'm going to try not to breathe too heavily in case I ruin your weekend. I do apologise. If I suddenly have to run off in the middle of the podcast, don't ask me why. Just keep talking, just keep talking, keep filling for 20 minutes or so. I mean, I could complain that you're making me feel somewhat unwell from the brightness of your shirt is giving me some kind of modular migraine. Always, always having a go at my clothes. I mean, at least I'm wearing trousers this week. Yeah, you guys are lucky that the camera doesn't pan all the way down.

2:20Poppy Coburn: I feel like if anyone didn't watch last week's episode, they're going to wonder what on earth happened. Anyway, I'll leave it there, shall I? It's the weekend. It's getting X-rated. Well, the reason we bring up me not feeling very well, not just out of the kindness of my heart, but because Germany has taken quite an interesting decision to ban taking a sickie or at least make it a lot more difficult. So they now say that on the first day that you feel unwell, rather than calling up your boss, kind of coughing a few times, you're trying to pretend you've got gravel in your throat and say, I just can't make it today.

2:49you've got to have a doctor's note from the first day of you being sick.

2:53Poppy Coburn: Yeah, I find that, well, that's very impractical because the German doctors, I mean, that's all they'll be doing is just writing out sick notes all day. They won't actually have time to see any patients. But at any rate, you know, basically we are running a live experiment here in how that's going to go because I'm on well and I've come into work and we will find out how that pans out well for you and your weekend, you know, and if you're well enough to come in next week, we can talk about it then. Yeah, if you see me in the studio, we know that it's worked. And if not, then you'll realise that actually maybe it's not the best idea.

3:18Although, to be fair to you, the German Premier, I didn't realise how many days people in Germany were taking off work. You kind of assume that Germans are like workhorses. Apparently they nearly take a month off sick every year. We only take about four days. Blimey. It's really not what you expect of Germans. They must have some fantastic sick day packages.

3:36Poppy Coburn: Well, we should try being sick more often. Exactly. Anyway, speaking of sick days, I imagine a lot of people in England will be taking one on Monday because at 1am Monday morning, England will be playing in the World Cup against Mexico and I'm going to guess that a lot of people are going to stay up till 3am or perhaps 4am if there's extra time and penalties and then they probably won't be feeling in the best frame of mind for work the next day. I know and the government's taken quite an interesting decision that's probably going to make it a bit worse for them on the sickie front because Keir Starmer in a final act, before he becomes a complete lame duck Prime Minister, he's decided that he's going to pass emergency legislation that will mean that pubs can stay open past their licensing time which I think in London it's like 9pm, That's when they were shut down nowadays.

4:18And let people actually drink with other people to celebrate the World Cup.

4:22Poppy Coburn: Right. So basically the entire working age population of England by 5am on Monday will be exhausted and drunk, basically. And not only that, they'll also be extremely unhappy because England will have lost. Exactly. I mean, not to sound too pessimistic. I say that purely because the match is being played in Mexico at incredibly high altitude. And of course, the Mexican players are used to playing in those conditions. And the England players are not. So I'd imagine the England team will just collapse knackered at about the hour mark and then Mexico will knock in a quick six or seven goals. I actually think that's when we should get the day off because if we've won, everyone's going to be in a great mood.

4:56You'll be able to power through the day, whatever. I'll just have a Monster Energy drink. I'll get through it. It felt like after the Euros finals when we messed it up and we didn't win, that next day was so depressing because everyone in the country looked really downbeat. It was like everyone had a hangover even if they hadn't been drinking the night before. So if we lose, we need a day off. It will make the pain of failing yet again in the World Cup less difficult for British people.

5:21Poppy Coburn: Yeah, and it's not just the grown-ups who are going to be staying up to watch the football. Children will as well. I mean, the England manager Thomas Tuchel has even told parents to let their children stay up and watch the match. We've got a clip of him here. Let them watch football. Write an excuse for school and let them watch football. Come on, there's so much school to go to, but World Cup is every four years. Let them watch. There will be a big, big match in four days. And we need the support of everyone and especially of the children. I find that absolutely bizarre, really, this idea that parents should write an excuse for school and let children watch.

5:59Poppy Coburn: There's so much school to go to, but the World Cup is every four years. Well, actually, Thomas, I should point out that England lose football matches actually a lot more regularly than that. I mean, in two years' time, there'll be the Euros. They'll be losing there and there's plenty of matches in between the Nations League and all the rest of it. No, no, no, no, no. This is very much not a one-off for the children. It's a good lesson for British children, which is get ready to a lifetime of disappointments, because this will not be the first and it won't be the last one either. OK, fair enough.

6:24Poppy Coburn: That's a happy message for everyone's weekend. I believe there are actually some schools who have actually taken Thomas Tuchel's advice. There's primary schools in Durham who have told their pupils that they can arrive any time until 10am, apparently, and they won't count as absent or late. I think that's more for the parents than the children, isn't it? Again, the parents hung over like, what time is it again? I can't imagine a child is rolling out of bed particularly late and going, well, better drive into school, primary school. Well, they'll be too drunk to drive, for one thing. There'll still be alcohol in the bloodstream.

6:52Poppy Coburn: I think you've hit the nail on there. I think that's what's really going on in Durham. There you go. And probably the teachers. OK, well, speaking of everybody wasting their time and being massive losers, let's talk about Andy Burnham, who obviously I'm a massive fan of. He is coming up with a few more of a plans for what he wants to do if he is made our prime minister, which looks pretty certain. The first one is this number 10 in the north idea. Have you been hearing about this? Yes, I've heard about it, but I still don't understand it. He's going to have a second number 10. Yeah. And it's going to be in Manchester for some reason.

7:22Poppy Coburn: And somehow he thinks this is going to help the economy to grow and rebalance public. I don't understand it. I do not get how that is going to help anything. But my real objection to it is that he's calling it number 10 north, because as far as I'm concerned, Manchester is not the north. I was born in Inverness in the highlands of Scotland. As you can tell from your accent. As you can tell from my very broad Scottish accent. So as far as I'm concerned, Andy Burnham is a southern softie. So I'm sick of all this north talk. I was going to say, telling that to films from Manchester, where their entire identity is built around being an author, I imagine is going to make you very unpopular.

7:57Poppy Coburn: Yes, yes. Number 10 Midlands, maybe? Yeah, well, number 10 North, number 10 Middle, number 10 South. Maybe you can get one in the West, get one in Wales, number 10 West. You can just pick and choose which one you want to go to when you need to go beg for some more money. Yeah, he's had one other big idea as well because I think he's obviously very concerned about the fact in its 126-year history, the Labour Party still hasn't found a woman it considers good enough to be a leader. They've all been men, which is obviously very embarrassing for the party of social justice and equality and female empowerment and all the rest of it.

8:29Poppy Coburn: So to make up for the fact that they haven't got a woman in charge, he has promised that when he's Prime Minister, there will be a woman in every meeting. Well, I guess someone's got to make the tea. Yeah, speaking of, would you like a cup of tea, Michael? Because obviously that's why I'm here today, to serve you a nice cup. Well, I would, except unfortunately I'll probably end up transferring my germ to you, so I think you should keep well away, OK? Yeah, a woman in a room, but in a corner of the room, preferably sitting there quietly and not intervening. Ideally, yes, ideally. OK, well, on that bout of sexism, I think it's time to take a break.

9:01Next up, we're going to be talking about the proposed wedding of the century. That's obviously going to be Taylor Swift and her new beau. and also a new meet that you might be able to enjoy on your Sunday lunch.

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10:03Poppy Coburn: Well, here's a story I feel very strongly about, OK? Now, Kirsty Allsop has been getting in a bit of a tiz because BAFTA released a statement saying it was saddened to learn of the passing of Dame Penelope Keith. And this made Kirsty jolly cross because she said, Dame Penelope did not pass, she died. And Kirsty thinks we've got to stop this modern habit of using the word pass or passing instead of died or death. And I've got to say, I agree with her very strongly. I find this use of the word pass or passing to me, it's just horribly twee and namby-pamby. It's a sort of pathetic euphemism. It makes it sound as if we're too immature to talk about death properly.

10:44Poppy Coburn: You know, we're no longer capable of looking reality, unpleasant reality in the face. Or we don't want to utter the word death just in case it somehow causes offence. I don't know how it would, but it is pathetic. I completely agree. I find the kind of euphemisms for death particularly distasteful. The one I was just like is in a better place now. In a better place now, or even better, the lettering version, which is rest in power, as opposed to rest in peace, rest in power, which is, you know, slightly over the top. I mean, I guess if you have children, would you say to your son, you know, so-and-so has died, or would you say passed?

11:16Would you use some kind of euphemism to soften it?

11:18Poppy Coburn: No, I would just say died. I mean, that's just truth. Yeah. That's just accurate. But there are certain circumstances when I think that saying passed or passing is not just twee and sort of babyish. It's actually grotesque. And here's an example here. Last September, the Oxford Union released a statement which referred to, and I quote, the passing of Charlie Kirk. Now, Charlie Kirk, who was the Conservative commentator, did not pass. No. He did not pass. Quite famously so. He was murdered in cold blood, OK? He was shot in the neck by a sniper while he was just amiably chatting to some student center.

11:57Poppy Coburn: university campus in America. Now the word pass with its sort of its overtones of gentleness and stuff makes it sound as if you know Charlie Kirk died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93 surrounded by his family you know it makes it sound as if his death was somehow natural and expected. Oh Charlie Kirk has passed did you see oh he sadly passed. No he didn't. What happened to him was utterly brutal and shocking and sudden and therefore our language should reflect that. I mean, just imagine saying to a left-wing person, when George Floyd passed. Yeah, he sadly passed. George Floyd sadly passed away.

12:31He's in a better place now. People would absolutely lose their minds.

12:34Poppy Coburn: They would, and then we'd have to have another year's worth of riots just because of that. Just in time for the summer. Fantastic. Yeah, yeah, there you are. I think the Treasury's been getting quite a lot flat recently, mainly because it's being led by Rachel Reeves, who I think is about as popular as a cup of gold sick. But there was a story this week that really stuck out to me, which is they're now obviously they get these people from the grad schemes, supposed to be the best and brightest people from around the country. Not sure how successful they've been so far. But to widen access and participation in the cult of diversity, they've decided that they're going to do something brilliant.

13:06The Treasury is going to drop maths aptitude from its grad scheme.

13:11Poppy Coburn: Oh, it's even better than that. They've already done it. They actually did it in... It explains a lot, doesn't it? We've only just found out about it this week, thanks to a freedom of information request by The Spectator. but it turns out they actually dropped it all the way back in the year 2020, which just happened to be the year of the Black Lives Matter protests. They decided to get rid of the maths test for applicants to their graduate scheme in order to boost diversity. Now, I'm sort of puzzled by this. I mean, for one thing, isn't that incredibly insulting? I mean, what is the Treasury saying here?

13:39Poppy Coburn: We can't possibly have a maths test because people who aren't white wouldn't be intelligent enough to pass it. Is that what they are saying? Because that, to me, doesn't sound anti-racist. That sounds racist. That's the first thing. But then you have the other issue here, which is that, you know, if you're going to drop a maths test for a job at the Treasury, which, as I understand it, tends to involve working with numbers, then presumably the quality of your recruits is going to go down a bit. And politicians are always telling us that diversity is our strength. Well, if in order to boost diversity, you need to lower standards, doesn't that suggest that diversity is not a strength and in fact is a weakness?

14:14Quite. I mean, it's like if the British Olympics team was like, right, we need to boost diversity in our Olympics team. We need to have people on the front line of the team who cannot walk from one end of the room to the other because that will mean that we can get a broad section of society. So we need people who are morbidly obese. We need people who've only got one limb. We need people who are just flat out lazy because it's all about access and participation, not actually about winning.

14:38Poppy Coburn: Yes, yes, it is exactly like that. So I'm looking forward to my call-up to the 4x400 Relo team. which I'm sure I'll be receiving, because I think I fit most of the categories you've just listed there. Well, speaking of ignoring reality, this is another great story, and I think this is right up your alley. The police ejecting a trans woman from a nudist Lido. Yes, this happened in Switzerland. Yeah, quite an image, that one. Yes, there was a particular line in that story I really liked. Apparently, some of the female bathers object because the woman appeared not to be biologically female, which I think is a very diplomatic way of putting it, I thought.

15:13Poppy Coburn: But anyway, the police ended up having to apologise to the trans person, apparently because they treated him, her, them very roughly and indeed apparently had to wrestle him, her, them to the floor. And I thought, well, he, she, they was naked at the time. Naked wrestling in the library. Oh, my God. I mean, God, I feel sorry for the police there, frankly. The devil in the details in this story is really fantastic because there's another part where apparently, before the police were called, they were trying to deal with it in-house. So they were clearly getting a team of people coming out there, taking a look at this person who, because they were naked, were quite obviously not a woman, going, oh, it's difficult, that one.

15:51Not quite sure where to come down on it. I mean, from the looks of you, it's clearly a man, but you're telling me you're a woman, so I guess we have to get the state involved.

15:59Poppy Coburn: Well, yes, what a peculiar world we live in. I know. If you're thinking of cooling off in the heatwave, that's something you can now worry about. Yeah, well, I'll pop to my nearest nudist Lido. That's the plan. Speaking of horrible spectacles, Taylor Swift's wedding is coming up. Are you a Taylor Swift fan? My invitation must have got lost in the post. I did. Yes. So she's getting married, is she? Anyway, I imagine that she at least can afford a wedding because I read that something like one in three people now say no to wedding invitations. I think that's the idea, isn't it? Which is very, very sensible.

16:30I'm now at the age where everybody seems to be getting engaged, married. I'm not quite at the stage where they're getting divorced and second married, although at least those are usually a little bit cheaper registry office things. It's true. I mean, someone basically, when they give you an invitation, it's like a death sentence. It's saying, are you willing to prove your friendship to me by spending£500 to£1 ,000 to come to my very extravagant destination wedding where we will pay for your drinks and food, but not your accommodation, not your transportation, and you'll have to take part in our massive narcissism fest.

17:01Sorry, if anyone's listening to this, he's invited me to their wedding. I can't wait. I'm very excited.

17:05Poppy Coburn: You're trying to get yourself cancelled so you don't have to pay. That's basically it. You're doing this on purpose. It is. Because people don't just have, you know, before you would have a local church wedding, you know, maybe your mum would be the one making some sandwiches and like little picky bits that people would go through. You would get a wedding dress, and it would be maybe quite expensive, but it wouldn't be thousands of pounds. It wouldn't have crystals sewn into it. Now everybody seems to be copying celebrities. You know, it's got to be an Instagram destination event. It can't be in the UK.

17:33It has to go on for multiple days. You're basically asking someone to come to a music festival.

17:37Poppy Coburn: And sometimes they hold them abroad as well. Oh, that's the worst. You have British couples who are getting married in France, Italy, Spain, wherever. I mean, you can guarantee the weather that way. But if you're asking me to pay for a flight and I'm not a particularly good friend of yours, you cannot be offended when I say, sorry, but I'm not going to do that. Well, luckily for me, I don't have to worry about this because I'm in my mid-40s. Now, all of my friends got married years ago. So they're actually more getting to the divorce stage now, which means I suppose there'll be a second round of weddings for another five, in about five, ten years.

18:08Poppy Coburn: So I guess I've just got to hope the costs will come down by then. Start saving now. Yes, I think that's probably a good idea, isn't it? Yes. This is another kind of love-related story, although the cynic in me found this absolutely appalling. Have you seen this awful video of this couple who scaled to the top of the Empire State Building? Some of the images coming out of this, I mean, they're pretty spectacular. You know, it is quite impressive to climb to the top of the Empire State Building. They then proposed to one another and then held up some totally inane flag about love or whatever. I mean, it's a total Instagram stunt, right?

18:42Poppy Coburn: Well, I have to say, no, I have not watched that footage and I don't plan to because, you know, heights make me feel pretty queasy at the best of times. And particularly today, I think, given the condition I'm in, I do not fancy watching that or even thinking about it too carefully. So why were they doing this, though? So I think they're supposed to be climbing influencers. They've done this before. They've climbed to the top of various buildings, but the Empire State Building, obviously the destination thing that you go to in New York. Of course, they've been arrested after doing this because I don't think you're just allowed to climb to the top of buildings.

19:13I know that sometimes people do it, but I think you have to get permission beforehand. I imagine if you're working and you're kind of bored and you're like, oh, I think you're scything off and you look out the window and there's suddenly just two people hanging over the ether. You might find that a little bit funny.

19:27Poppy Coburn: Well, I believe they weren't hanging because they didn't actually use any harnesses or any equipment at all. No. So, which is even more deserving. That would have been a fun end to the proposal. You might very briefly see a couple of Russians plummeting past your window, but I suppose given the height of the building and the speed they'd be moving at, it would just be a blur, so I suppose you wouldn't necessarily notice that it happened. But a bit unfortunate for people at ground level, though. Yeah. Particularly if they were directly underneath. It doesn't really give the message of love and hope and optimism that they might have been planning for.

19:53Poppy Coburn: Not so much, no. Well, I won't be going to their wedding anyway, not if it involves all of the guests scaling a building. Yeah, we're having wedding breakfast at the 200th floor and you've all got to make your way up without harnesses. No. That's a good way to lose weight. We're already on the subject of food. This is an absolutely fantastic story, although if you have any family pets, maybe close your ears now. A couple has just got permission on their eco-farm in Wales to breed guinea pigs and other small critters for food. Right. Yes. So they are going to eat guinea pigs? They will be eating guinea pigs.

20:28They'll be skinning them, barbecuing them and consuming them.

20:30Poppy Coburn: Right. I have to say this is a very sensitive subject for me because my two nieces keep guinea pigs and unfortunately two of those guinea pigs, Loki and Pumpkin, God rest their souls, have just died and there's only one guinea pig left, poor little Truffle, and guinea pigs basically can't cope with living alone. They basically die of a broken heart, so Truffle, for all I know, is dying in her death throes right as we speak. So I just want to say all these guinea pigs have been given a decent burial. I do not want to hear of any Welsh couples digging up my niece's garden, OK? Stick to your own guinea pigs, please.

21:06Poppy Coburn: But also I'm very puzzled about the idea of breeding guinea pigs for food because they're not very big, are they? You can imagine they're quite bony. You're not going to get much out of a guinea pig. I know. You could do something with a rabbit. Like, I get that, but a guinea pig? I mean, apparently they are a delicacy in Papua New Guinea where they're from. But I imagine there's not really much around for people to have. I mean, if you're picking a Sunday roast, you go chicken, beef or guinea pig. I think I know what I'm going to go with. Obviously beef. Yes, actual pig would make more sense.

21:32Poppy Coburn: There's a bit more meat on those. The weird thing is this is supposed to be on eco grounds. This is why they've done it. It's part of their kind of eco farm. It's slightly woke and green and new agey. But again, I just don't think it's very efficient. I thought these people were about being vegetarian, not about eating family pets. That seems a little bit cruel. Yeah, it is very odd. And yet they've been allowed to... I mean, I get their logic. Their excuse is, well, you know, people eat rabbits and rabbits are also pets, so why not a guinea pig? But then extending that logic, why not cats? Yeah.

22:00Poppy Coburn: Why not dogs? Why not people? Why not Welshmen? I'm going to open an eco-farm, which I rear Welsh people for food. And for one thing, you get a lot more meat on them than a guinea pig. See, OK, we've sold it. There you are. We've given you some fantastic Sunday lunch inspiration there from Michael. and we'll see you again next week.

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