“Dynamo Is Dead!” - The Heartbreaking True Story Of Why Dynamo The Magician Vanished For Years! (Exclusive)

30:36So basically I was in hospital. I just remember it was like 10 o 'clock. I was giving it to Godbed. I went to the bathroom and I had this like horrible feeling in my stomach. But I've got Crohn. So I'm used to kind of having to numb these feelings. You know, I'm used to just thinking, okay, it's going to be uncomfortable for like half an hour, a minute or so. And it wasn't going away. And then suddenly, like, blood was coming out of my mouth. I was vomiting. Blood was coming out of both sides. And I didn't know what to do. It wouldn't stop. I was in so much pain. I was screaming my wife, and literally I got rushed to hospital.

31:26And they gave me all the medication to try and put me on the drip and g'morphine, everything. Nothing was getting me to the pain. I never felt a pain like it. And I just did not understand what it was like. And because of that, it caused my Crohn's to kind of, even I had so much of my Crohn's cut out already in the previous operations, it caused it to spread into a different part of my bowel. And from that came the reactive arthritis because in the part of the bowel, they moved to had different side effects, but I never had before. I remember just getting these sensations where I got kind of over the, a few months later, I'm over the full poisoning element of it.

32:21I'm out of hospital. I'm trying to get on my life. But I'd be holding my cards. I'd be doing magic, things, stuff that I do in my sleep. But suddenly I was getting shooting pains in my joints. And it was like electric shocks. I couldn't hold the cards anymore. I was struggling to move. I'd be in the seat. I won't be able to get up because my knees would be stuck.

32:59And I never had from the Simpsons. He seems really like fail and weak. And I felt like I was, you know, I wasn't old. I felt like I should be my prime, you know what I mean? And I couldn't understand it. I felt like my body was deteriorating around me. And so I went basically on medical trials for the next few years. And the thing is with medical trials is that when you try a new medicine, you have to try it for three months before the doctors will write that off as not working and try on a new medication. But there was times when I knew within the first two weeks it wasn't working, but I had to go over the full three months.

33:51And in those three months, you know, my symptoms weren't getting better if anything they'd get worse. And it wasn't until we got to the ninth month where I started this medication called influxumab, where you have to go to the hospital every few weeks and you get put on a drip. But you need to stay there for like eight hours. And they basically put this medicine inside you. And that really had an incredible effect. Like that gave me a new lease of life. I felt stronger. I probably felt stronger than I'd felt before I was on it. But then COVID happened. It stopped my influxumab from working. So suddenly, I mean, 2020.

34:41And I'm on medical trials again. And I tried, you know, I tried so many different medications. And it was, it wasn't until like the beginning of 2021 where I really got one that was really working properly. And even now I'm on that, but it still, I still have, like I have three days a week where I'm really bad, where my joints just don't really work that well. And my Crohn's my stomach feels bad. But yeah, that was a big part of the reason why I kind of, I guess, disappeared for a while. But it's not the only reason why it disappeared for a while. Yeah, I think everything but my body was going through everything that I was going through, the pressures of, you know, trying, like wanting to do magic and the pressures of trying to sustain a career and they booked people's expectations, was almost an impossible task to do.

35:50Whilst I was trying to fix my body. And ultimately, you know, I ended up in a situation where without magic, without being able to do what I loved, not knowing if I was ever going to be able to get it back. Mainly think what's the point in my existence? And I think my body was kind of imploding. And so was my mind. What was going on in your mind? I didn't know what to do in my life. I didn't know what to do myself. There's a lot of things that I thought want to fully go into. So I'll try and, you know, be as, give you as much as I can. It was just so much noise in my head. And I hated myself for feeling how I felt.

36:51I hated the way my body felt because of, you know, because of everything I was dealing with. If I saw myself in a mirror in my house, I hated what was looking back at me. I hated so much that I'd slam my head into the mirror and just keep slamming it. So try and just, you know, make it go away. And yeah, I don't know. I didn't, I didn't want to be alive because I didn't feel like the life I had, take away all the success and, you know, about side of things. I wasn't, I wasn't living because I wasn't able to do the thing I loved the most, which was magic. And it was, it was a time in my life where I felt that magic couldn't fix me.

37:56But magic's always been the thing that has given me hope that I've kind of used to overcome the bullying, overcome the self -doubt and the lack of belief for others and in myself and suddenly I'm in a position where I don't know what to do myself and magic isn't going to fix it. And I can't, I can't, until I'm fixed, I can't do the thing that gives me a reason, gives me a purpose in performing magic. I can't do that because I'm not mentally or physically capable. How long did that last? I'm still doing it now, I'm going to be honest. It's difficult because I'm a magician, right? And to everybody else looking at me as a magician, I'm someone who does the impossible, I'm someone who should be able to do anything.

39:13But I'm a magician who felt like, you know, back then and, you know, and still at times now, I'm a magician who feels like I can't do the first thing that a magician needs to do, perform magic. So then, I'm just an imposter, I can't live up to the expectations that people have of me. And it's not that I'm not the sort of person who searches for validation from other people, you know, like, I mean, you know, magic is not an art form that is seen as the coolest thing ever, you know what I mean? I just set myself up to fail if, you know, by following full with magic, if I'd have been naive to that point.

40:19And I mean, I know that magic's never been cool, but, you know, I hope that in some small way, I've helped to make it feel a bit cooler than maybe what it was perceived as. But magic's the only thing that I'm good at. And I think the way that I can manipulate my body and, you know, kind of handle cards and do the things is a big part of what's made my magic unique and feel special and not being able to up kills me. Am I right in thinking that at that same time, your grandmother had passed away, who was your biggest supporter, your body was breaking down because of Crohn's and your illness around that time as well.

41:09And I'd also heard that you had a legal dispute with your management, which meant that you could no longer use your social media channels, the name, Dynamo, etc, etc. And that had all happened in this concentrated period of your life. There was a lot of stuff going on and yeah, like, you know, I, I think losing my Nana ultimately was I think the thing that I guess this straw that brought the Commonwealth is the expression the use because she's always been the backbone for me whenever I felt weak. There's been a lot of times for a week. My Nana has always been strong for me. And then we've a lot of things going on in my life, being, my life being flipped upside down, you know, and then my Nana going as well.

42:12It was like, man, like, you know, the like, like, it just felt like the world was out to get me. And I kind of wanted the ground to just break up and just swallow me up. If I was a fly on the wall in your house at that time, what would I have seen?

42:35A lot of stuff that I don't really want, I wouldn't want anybody to see. Like, I wasn't very nice to myself.

42:51There's a lot of pain, but also a lot of numbness and I felt but I won't be clear actually. I didn't feel like I felt so numb that I'd hurt myself to try and feel something. Self -harming.

43:19Does your partner know what's going on in your life inside your head during this period? Because I have a partner. If I was in such a dark place where I was self -harming, and doing some of the things you've described that banging my head against a mirror, I was in that sort of cycle of self -hatred. I think my partner would know.

43:54She knew. She, she, she, we didn't know the extent of it to begin with. And I think also the the loss side of things, she obviously felt that herself. So I think those things, she's dealing with it, dealing with her own grief at the same time. So sometimes when you're dealing with grief, it's hard to see outside of your own grief to see other peoples. And we were kind of almost together in those moments. We came together. But she, she was the one who ultimately got me to go to therapy and to get the help and support that I needed really. In this chapter was there, was there a moment you look back on and say that was that was my rock bottom?

44:49Yep. 6th November 2020. 6th November 2020.

44:58Almost three years ago today, exactly almost. Why was that the hardest day? Because that was the day that I knew that she knew. Because she found me and I tried to kill myself.

45:20She found you in the house.

45:27She found you unconscious. Yep. In the dog bed. What are you comfortable talking about? I mean, I'm not super comfortable, but life, generally. So, you know, just talking, this is the first time I've kind of done an interview that's not been with a therapist in since 2020. So, you know, I trust you. You've been a bit of a help for me over the last few years. So, I guess, if you're respectful, then I respect what you'll do with what I say will be done. There's two things. I want you to feel comfortable about whatever you say, but also after this conversation, if there's anything you're not comfortable with having said, you can of course, let me know.

46:33It won't be out there in the world. But I want to, I think the question that I end up like that I think is of most value is understanding how someone gets to that point. I've actually spent quite a long time speaking to Simon Gunning, who's the CEO of Karm, campaign against living miserably. And he's done a really great job of helping me to understand suicidality as a topic. But also, when I have a public platform like this where I speak on these subject matters occasionally about what elements of that are useful for people that are in that mindset now. And what he's shared with me is part of it is people understanding that somehow someone gets there, but also understanding how they go from there and they rise out of that situation.

47:31What was on your mind when that led you up to that moment? I felt that I had so many problems that I couldn't figure out how to even solve one of them. And the problems weren't just affecting me. They were affecting my household. They were affecting just my family's life.

48:18And a big part of me thought, if I'm dead, then my problems, what affect these other people in my life, and they will be all like, I felt like ultimately I was the problem.

48:45It was quite a simple kind of thought, that was it. It was like, okay, if I'm not here, then everybody else might be happier. And they can get on with their lives and that was it. The white fan finds you that day in the dog bed and then she calls an ambulance. She called Edward Despock, who was my doctor. He's my gastontologist, my colon specialist. And then I remember, well, she was on the phone to him when I kind of came around and she was just crying. And that's where you asked me the moment where it feels like it was the worst.

49:47I'd probably hurt myself worse on previous occasions. But I'd never been found by the one person in this life who's opinion I genuinely care about. And no matter what I do now in the future, there's nothing I can do that can erase what she saw.

50:21And that's the thing on the most ashamed of because in the moment, I felt like I was trying to maybe do something that would take all the problems I thought I was facing and remove them from everybody else's world. But I'd not actually thought about what these people would feel if I wasn't here. Do you know what I mean? So that's the shame that I feel about. I don't feel ashamed for the way I did. But I feel ashamed that my wife kind of saw that. Like it's just embarrassing in it. She's supposed to be strong for. She's personal, well, I'm the husband that I don't mean supposed to be there to be strong for her.

51:36And I couldn't even be strong for myself. Can I ask you a question? In that, when someone is in that situation as you were psychologically, what do you think those around them can do to support that person? Or do you think there's very little those around? I'm trying to understand how to support someone in my life that would be in such a mindset. I mean, I guess what my wife did. Not just naturally you would call someone to help like a doctor or something like that. But I mean, even though I still feel it, and I can't necessarily speak on her behalf. But she didn't make me feel ashamed. She loves you, doesn't she?

52:39Yeah.

52:45It's one of the greatest gifts isn't it to have someone in your life like that that you know just loves you through thick and then from the experience and how she's been even up till now, you know, how she dealt with it and dealt with me. And I think it's the first time outside of Manana, outside of family who, you know, they have to do it some conditional right? Because their family they blood. But it's the first time that I have actually felt the love of somebody else. Like because we've been married a long time before then. But you know, you just never know what someone's going to act like when shit really hits the fan.

53:46It makes you naked. Yeah. And I was exposed. I was, you can't get any more exposed than from what I felt. And she became the rock. She gave me a love that I've never had to deal with it. And you know, it's, yeah, that is something that I didn't necessarily maybe know. I needed in my life until that moment and that all of them at least kept me alive. Around this time, there's a dispute with your management. What are you able to tell me about that? Because I know it's a legal dispute. So there's things that probably can't talk about. But I think it's important context to understand what you're going through in this moment.

54:41As it relates to your sense of purpose and identity and all those things, what are you able to tell me? I think I was at a time in my life where I felt lost. And I knew if I stayed doing things exactly the same way that I'd always done them, then you're only going to get kind of the same results. If I'm feeling suicidal thoughts and I'm feeling kind of like worthless, if the only way to break that cycle is to have a first start, it's needed to break away from everything and ultimately, you've started many businesses and I'm sure some of those have failed and some of those have, you've had to have go separate ways at times.

55:55So that happens in business and I think there was a lot of work needed to be done on myself and I tried to take time away from that.

56:11I can't really touch on it too much.

56:21I'm trying to but the consequence of what happened. Because I've noticed you've not been posting on social media in a while, for example. So I assumed that one of the consequences of this separation with your management was you've not been able to use your social media accounts and we've not seen you on the internet as much. Is that a correct assumption? I don't feel like I've wanted to kind of post things because I felt like my life isn't been worth sharing. So you know whilst I've been trying to fix myself, I didn't feel comfortable kind of sharing in those moments and kind of just let the lawyers do what they do and figure that stuff out because I'm too busy trying to figure out what's going on in my own head, you know, how to kind of just get to a place in this world where I can deal with the pressure of life.

57:40Ultimately, all I wanted to do, which is you know, what's led me to hear with you today, is get to a place in my life where I could share magic again and even if my arthritis and my core and stop me doing it in the way I used to, I had to find a new way to share it and there's certain things in the past that I've had to go through negative experiences, you know, positive experiences. Ultimately, I've had to go through those things to learn and go through them and some things I've had to leave behind. And I'm speaking of things you've left behind. Are you still dining, mate? Palm is always dining, yeah, of course, like, I think but the thing is, I've battled with knowing who they almost like has been a battle between me and myself because the lines are so blurred or worse so blurred between, you know, the Stephen that you know and the dynamo of it, you know, the greater world kind of knows.

59:17So then, like, it's just been, it's been a lot of confusion, right? And simple terms, it's been a lot of confusion because dynamo is the part of me that feels like it can do anything, but Stephen's the flawed human being that realises and knows that he can't. And it's a conflict. And then when my body's fallen apart, my life's fallen apart, I'm losing everything in my life outside of magic, but I love.

1:00:07Then, I'm just an empty shell. And that's the sort of feeling that makes you think, like, what is the point? Why am I here? Like, I am worthless to this world. If I can't share the only thing that I feel I'm good at. People will be sad thinking, why can't you share it? Because partly for some reasons, but, you know, outside of my control. Legal -related reasons. Some. Yeah. Sure. So, you know, I mean, partly because, mentally, I wasn't free. Like, I need to be free in my head to create material, to create the magic I share.

1:01:28But, all that was in my head is horrible things. Is things that I can't sort of turn off the noise. So then there's no space for magic to find its way in. So, I guess it'd be like the equivalent to writer's block. Like, magic writer's block. Like, you don't know if that's a real thing, but that's the only way I'm trying to simply explain it. The way that I heard it from what you just said about the noise was, I can't write if there's loud music playing with lots of lyrics in it. So, when I do writing, I have to turn off loud music with lyrics in it, or else I can't, my brain can't focus on both.

1:02:17So, I was almost imagining being in a room with really loud music playing and then me trying to think and write. And I just wouldn't be able to. Yeah, like, my body was not allowing me to perform in the physical sense in the way that I wanted to. You know, I was, you know, some of the medication was working well and I was being good. But then, like, mentally, like, I wasn't in a fixed state to do magic, you know.

1:02:48And because of things that was going on behind the scenes, I also, it was really complicated, you know, even getting work. And then, naturally, with that, you know, it's going to come financial pressures, which is just the last being in aid when you've also done everything else. So, ultimately, I had too many horrible thoughts in my mind to try, too many problems to solve to even think about magic. But then, me not thinking about magic, you just, then that's a, that's a dispression notion. Because that's so much of your purpose and meaning and joy and yeah. And it's not just tricks, it's not, you know, I'm not, when I talk about magic in this sense, like, there's the, there's the card tricks, there's the things that people see, right.

1:03:56But for me, magic is a feeling. It's something you experience in your body, when you witness something that you can't explain, or when you see something that feels impossible, but feels like unobtainable, right. Putting a smile on someone's face is a magical thing. And that's what I've spent my life doing. But the irony is, I was in a position where I couldn't put a smile on my own face. So, how am I meant to do that for anybody else if I can't, you know, if I can't do the simplest thing for myself? And you go to therapy at this point, you said? Yeah. My wife was on the phone when she found me to to Ed Despo, who's my gastroenterologist, right.

1:04:50And then he, he put more I've been touched with, with a therapist called Edward Sim. And I had some sessions with him initially, but the type of therapy can be quite expensive. Yeah. So, like, I got like the first few bills and I was like, I can't sustain this. I need it. But having to pay for therapy was making me more stressed in the process because I just couldn't afford the therapy. But Edward Sim, he showed me a kindness that I've kind of been, you know, but I haven't seen him a long time, especially at that time. He contacted my wife and just said, listen, I want to help him. I'll do it for free.

1:05:46And he's been looking after me ever since. And, you know, like, for free. Yeah. Wow. I mean, I've, you know, I've, I've keep offering to pay. No, you know, I'm in a slightly better place. But he refuses, you know, but, you know, I'm think, you know, he's someone who I want in my life forever. And, you know, I want, I want to be able to repay. I'll never be able to repay him for what he's done for me. But, like, yeah, I mean, he introduced me to so many different things, like, stuff that I, like, I use this thing called Sonic Reset Therapy. Don't know if you know about him. It's this, like, noise that you listen to.

1:06:36I listen to it twice a day for 20 minutes. And it, it is definitely become something that calms me down and helps me sleep at night. And then what do you think it's doing? What is it doing for you? It's just kind of resetting your mind in a way or? Yeah. I think that's, I mean, I think, I guess that's the intention behind it. As, as I listen to it, it tells me to think about negative experiences or think about positive experiences that, like, think about goals you want to achieve or think about things you want to, you know, get past and just let them come into your mind at the forefront. And, yeah, it's really strange, like, it just has a real calming effect.

1:07:24We'll try and get hold of it. And we'll try and include it in the description below. Yeah. So, it's, you know, like, it's been, it's been helping me, you know, I'm sure it will help others. But, you know, there's lots of different things like one of the things that he suggested to me, which at the time when he suggested it, it was such a weird thing is he, he recommended that I read for Alcoholics Anonymous book. Now, I say it's such a strange thing for him to recommend for me because I've never drunk alcohol in my life. I've never done drugs other than what the doctors prescribe for me for my life.

1:08:15I just naively assumed that, you know, this is a book to help someone who is an alcoholic. Yeah, I've actually, I've got, I still have a copy. That's yours. This is my copy. And in researching your story, I've realized the significance of this book, so I just bought a copy of it. Yeah. For people who have never read it, I recommend reading it. You don't have to be, I'm a testimony. You don't have to be an alcoholic to read it and gain something from it. You know, essentially it's broken up into 12 steps and each chapter, each step is a lot of people's like short stories of how they overcome different phases of addiction or trauma.

1:09:03Ultimately it's trauma, but it's in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, obviously, it's specifically kind of aimed at, you know, addiction in that sense. And as you hear all the stories, it's very easy to replace the alcoholic side of it in this book and put your own trauma or grief, but you're trying to deal with in that place. And it's like a blueprint, like literally, people are telling you how they overcome a certain thing and might not work. Everything might not work for you as an individual, but I took so much from this. And you know, it's, it can, it's kind of, written maybe from like a spiritual perspective, you know, I'm not particularly religious, like, but ultimately it's about trying to get you to believing something greater than yourself to help you find your purpose.

1:10:09And for me, I've always known that it's been before it's been doing magic, right? But I didn't know how to get back to that place without dealing with all these things I was dealing with, you know, like, and I've kind of, you know, gone through the 12 -step book, but I've kind of gone through my own 12 -step kind of recovery, like going through the different emotional phases that I've been trying to overcome, you know, and some of those involved like, you know, going back, looking at my past, you know, looking at, you know, the situation with my dad, you know, looking at my mom, you know, like, because I think if I'm honest, there was definitely, there's definitely been a lot of resentment towards my mom over the years, because when my dad went away, like, you know, as my mom, you know, my mom's, like, you know, living a different life without him, you know, naturally she's going to get to a stage where she wants a new boyfriend, a new, a new partner, she wants a life of her own, right?

1:11:22But there's quite a few of those men that came into her life, but were horrible to me, you know, big part of that was because I was a mixed race kid, and we lived in a, you know, quite a racist area, so, you know, a lot of the men, you know, didn't want me, they wanted my mom, because my mom was lovely. How did you know they didn't want you? Did you say what tell me? Don't you tell you? Yeah. It was like, yeah, they just told me, oh, and they'd, they'd do things that showed me that they didn't want me. I put pretty much moved in when my grandparents when I was 15, like, because the, the men in my mom's life, just, I wanted my mom to be happy, but that came at the sacrifice of my own happiness.

1:12:22It meant that she'd be happy because she'd get the love, maybe, that she thought she needed, but I felt like I lost my mom in the process.

1:12:33So there's been resentment. It's not been like, surf on the surface resentment, like, you know, I'd still see my mom at Christmas season, but we never really had the bond that I felt we should have had, but kind of one of the things I got from the book is I've had conversations with my mom but I've never, I've been too scared to have, and I've actually got to understand her better. This is the wrong word, but because ultimately she doesn't need forgiveness, because knowing her story, she hasn't done things wrong in, you know, she hasn't purposely done things wrong. It's for me to go, I forgive you, right?

1:13:20But there was knowing what she'd been through, it's in these conversations that I've learned about some of the physical abuse that my dad would do, and also that other partners of hers would give her, and I think she'd been trapped in a cycle of, you know, not necessarily kind of picking the wrong partners and just kind of trying to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, you know, which, you know, you can't blame someone for, like, I mean, I've come to learn from doing this podcast and speaking to a lot of psychologists that specialize on love that we often seek out the form of love that we grow up on, and sometimes that's an abusive form of love.

1:14:01So many psychologists that have spoken to have alluded to this, but if you have said this quite directly that if you were at a very young age, had a sort of a toxic attachment with a maybe a figure in your life, the desert chance that you'll then grow up and seek out toxic attachments in the cycle that you've described, we tend to think that we'll, you know, we tend to think that if we've been in a toxic situation, when we were younger, for example, that will then seek out really, really healthy situations because we know what bad looks like, but in fact, I've been told that it's often the opposite that we go back to the cycle of love that we were familiar with.

1:14:43Yeah. For familiarity, it seems to be the key word. Yeah, people find safety in familiarity, even if that familiarity isn't actually safe. Yeah, I can feel that. This book, this very small book, there's something about these ideas that seem to reach people when they're in their toughest moments. Step number one, we admitted we were powerless that our lives had become unmanageable. Step two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Have you had to admit you were powerless and have you started to believe in a power greater than yourself? Oh, definitely. I mean, I've felt powerless for years.

1:15:36I know that I'm not in control. My illness has deviated me for so long, but it always seemed to pop up when I'm flying high, when I feel like I'm top -dial. I get a little reminder, but I'm vulnerable. I've got weaknesses and can't get above my station, so to speak. But yeah, I think that I've always looked for the magic in the wrong place. Now, what I mean by that is that I've always looked for the magic in me to help me out of whatever situation I was in. And what this book opened up my mind to the idea of is the magic in other people. Q1 is often when businesses start implementing new systems and processes in hopes of creating efficiencies for the year ahead.

1:16:47And over the course of my career, I've learnt just how crucial having the right systems in places, one which has helped me across many of my investments is NetSuite. They're also a sponsor of this podcast. NetSuite is the number one cloud financial system through their streamlined platform you'll find all of your accounting financial management inventory and HR in one place. Their technology has been a real game changer, especially for my team at Flight Studio. As over the last year, we've moved out of startup mode and into scale at mode. We no longer have to juggle multiple systems and having everything together has reduced the number of manual tasks and errors.

1:17:22Over 41 ,000 businesses have chosen to future proof their business with NetSuite. So if you'd like to learn how it can help your business, head to NetSuite .com slash Bartlett and free download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning. That's NetSuite .com slash Bartlett. You have a TV show coming out tonight, which is really your grand return to the public stage. And that TV show is called Dynamo is Dead and it's appearing on Sky tonight, which is very, very exciting. And I guess this links to what you just said about finding the magic and others, right? Yeah. Yeah. Why are you doing this? What is it?

1:18:00I just need to get magic back in my life because that's the thing that I live for. And over the last few years, when I've been working on myself, seeing a different type of magic, seeing magic in other people is what's given me that spark.

1:18:30And the magic I've been seeing is not dynamo magic. You know, it's something different. It's something that I'm feeling and I'm finally feeling it again. In fact, I feel like I'm feeling it for the first time. Like Edward Sim, my therapist. He's a very successful therapist. He doesn't need to offer me therapy for free. But he wanted to share some of his magic and that started to rewire my mind to realize, whoa, like there's some amazing people out there who can, you know, who they can change lives, they're changing mind. You know, when I saw you three years ago and we shared a kind of conversation, you know, about some of the things I was feeling at the time, you first of listened to me and there was no cameras around.

1:19:36It wasn't like this, you know, it was just, you were present in the room with me. And then not only did you listen, but you, you kind of helped in a small way. And that was magic. You know, I don't know if anybody knows who's watching this, but you are part of my new show. Don't you be told anybody yet? So you can also see you on the show tonight in a different way than maybe they used to see in you. Yeah, but like your story, you know, like I think one of the things I realized for a lot of people from places like RAN from, speaking to a therapist seems like the last thing you would feel comfortable doing, you know, from a cancer state, we're working class, we're like, you know, you're told if you've got a problem, suck it up, you know, be a man, you can't talk about your problems, you know, like you just got to get on with it, you know, what's that expression that keep calm and carry on, you know, that's it was like, it's kind of like instilling us.

1:20:52I wanted to show people from where I'm from, but it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to be broken, it's okay to not know the answers. And I'm not too proud to go out there and search for the answers for people, you know, like, and I've gone around the world using the, you know, the platform, but I have, you know, I've obviously as dynamo, the name opens doors, so, but opening doors just for myself, it's pointless, because it's only feeding my own ego, but I realised that if I could use that platform to speak to individuals candidly about dealing with any type of trauma, dealing with not feeling good enough, dealing with all the things that I felt that made me not want to be alive anymore, then maybe that can save someone else's life.

1:22:19And I know it's a grand grandios mission statement, I don't take it lightly, I don't, you know, I, like I can, I'm barely saving my own life for the minute to, you know, so I don't want to like, for it's so loosely, but you know, but like I can save someone else's life. But that's exactly what it does, that that is exactly what it does and their lives that you never really get to see, but just even in sharing how you felt and how you've risen from that, this is exactly what Simon Gunning told me, it does save people's lives. And then this new chapter of your life following this show tonight called Dynamo's Dead on Sky, you're going to continue to do that.

1:23:02And if there was ever a time, and I think this is why when you, when you came up to me, that event many a year ago and started telling you a little bit about your story, I think I probably said it to you then, but I'm not sure. If there's ever a time when people need that, when they need a little bit of joy and they need a little bit of escapism, and they need a little bit of wonder and they need their imagination to be stretched and to what is real and what is possible and what is impossible, it is now. And you know that, you know, that's what people need now. And that means we need you now. I had the idea obviously to make me sure when we first started speaking, but when my nand died, I realized then that the Dynamo's we know it needed to die with her, and the only way to fully have closure on that part of my life was if I actually boom myself alive.

1:24:15And tonight, after the show plays out live on Sky, I'm going to be doing that. You're going to bury yourself alive in order to kill off the Dynamo identity. Yeah, I mean, I haven't put myself in that hole yet. Right, so, you know, what will happen after that point is hard to really kind of summarize because there's only been a few times in my life where I've done like crazy, like, you know, endurance feats like this, and something in you changes when you do them. You know, it's a incredibly scary thought, but since I've fought about it, you know, since the seventh of May 2021, I thought it's the only way to move forward in my life.

1:25:33And yeah, tonight, after the show finishes, you'll be able to see it live, but it's not for me, it's not like the stun, it's not on, it's not about escaping. It's a cleansing for me.

1:26:00And I feel like it will be one of the most incredible scary things I've ever done, but the thing I've learned over the last few years is that I've got to stop being scared and just start living my life. I'm both terrified and excited in equal measure to watch the show tonight. I had no idea you were burying yourself for life, so that's terrifying, but I understand your rationale, and I'm very excited to see what happens. Steven, I would like to see some magic if possible. Is there some magic you can show me right now? Yeah, do you want to get some of your phones in as well? My team. My team are upstairs.

1:26:55Jack, could you bring the team downstairs? What do you guys do here at DOAC? I am a video editor. I'm head of trailers for the podcast. There's some good trailers as well. I'm head of the bookings.

1:27:20Do you want to mix them? Do you go for it? Do you go for it? You want to, it's the best. It's not the worst. Usually it's when you throw more cards. You just do all that. It's done in that edition. These are all mixed. All mixed. These are all together. Let's just have everybody pick one. We'll just try this. We'll take one out. There we go.

1:27:54Don't let me see. I'll look down so I can't seem to remember them and maybe show them to the cameras so that the people at home can remember them too. Yeah.

1:28:05Cool. I'm going to look up now. Yeah. I'll take this one first. It's one, two, three, four. I'll give them a year. Give them a year. I'll do one of those for you.

1:28:31That is so cool. Oh my God. The first card, that's one. King of diamonds. That's mine. That's your card. I'll take it out. I'll try to name your card out there. Four of spades. Four of spades. If I just take this and give it a snap like that. We get the four of spades. Yeah. So, I'm two, I think.

1:29:00And then for Steven, instead of finding it, I'll just make all the other cards disappear. Give them. What? Oh my God. Oh my God. When you look on the epilogue tonight. Yeah. Oh my God. Wow. That is unreal.

1:29:24Shit. Don't worry. I did bring a spade up the cards just in case. Yeah. How many packs of cards do you have? I mean, I'm trying to put down two points a day. Take one. Thank you. And then Steven, have you got a pen? Yeah.

1:29:46Can you write your name on the first of the cards? Oh my God. On this side. Yeah. On the other side. And in fact, pass it around so all of you can sign it. Yeah. Oh my God. These ones. I've seen these on Tally.

1:30:10Tally. Getting a few things I'm going to need. Perfect. Have you signed it as well? Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Plus, right there. First down. Yeah. Did you show the camera? No. Maybe show the camera real quick. Yeah.

1:30:29Perfect.

1:30:34So it's part halfway down. I've got a pound coin. Don't check it up. I think in fact, it's a real pound coin. And I've got a lot of piece of paper. I'm going to for this level. In fact, you can see clearly that the cards, it's in the middle way, you place it. That's not the card. Yes. Not on the top.

1:31:06Oh my God. Oh my God. I was going to be answering that. The problem. Till the coin burns through the pack. You like through?

1:31:31But it didn't go all the way through the pack. You see it stopped on one card.

1:31:38Take a look. You take a look. You take a look. You take a look. You didn't.

1:31:45No. Oh my days. Yeah. But I was shaking. Yeah. You had to show it.

1:31:58Jim. Yeah. I've been by the time in your life where you feel people have got close to you. But then, they've almost like loaded into a false sense of security so that they can almost like manipulate you and like pull at your heartstrings. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had that? Oh. I didn't realize this was a Darry's senior. Yeah, I guess I could say maybe. Okay. Someone. Okay, cool. I don't have to be a person, I think, but just like timely experience that way. Miraculation. Yeah. So put your hand on my chest.

1:32:39And I wanted to start to describe the types of emotions you'd feel when you went through that sort of thing. Insecurity? Stack of confidence.

1:32:56Stupid. Stupid. Okay. And then I just want you to name a color.

1:33:06Brad. Brad. Okay. So imagine these feelings were attached to a heartstring. A heartstring would be red, right? You can, you can feel that pressure, right? Yeah.

1:33:23So I was going to pull down my top where you hand this. Oh. Oh, red string. What? See that. Oh my god. Can you see that? I can't see how I got your chest. Oh my days. Just so touch it. Yeah, you can check it. It's my, it's my, it's, it's crying out my chest. Like you can feel it on my chest, yeah? Yeah. Take it. Oh god.

1:33:54What, take, pull it. Yeah. Slowly pull it out my chest. Oh, it's a bit tight. Oh.

1:34:06You're playing on a heartstring. Can you feel this?

1:34:13Oh, sorry. More? Yeah. It's going to come out. Pull it all the way. Oh. What do you call it? Oh. Oh my god. This is freaking out. More? How long is this start string? It's like loud. Oh. That's yours to keep. Oh. That's your last name.

1:34:47For me, magic is about taking something.

1:34:55That kind of doesn't exist. Like a, like a little, a little spark in your mind, yeah? And then somehow being able to bring it to life. I spent the last few years not feeling like I had the magic in me that I really wanted to share. But there was always that fire somewhere deep inside of me, dying to get out.

1:35:23So, can you take the lighter? And can you put your hands together like this for me? Like the lighter? Because I'm going to take fire. And from fire. Get ice. Oh my god. What?

1:35:50No! I'm leaving you face! Help me. Oh, that's actual ice. Do you need a podcast to listen to next? We've discovered that people who liked this episode also tend absolutely love another recent episode we've done. So I've linked that episode in the description below. I know you'll enjoy it.

1:36:25Q1 is often when businesses start implementing new systems and processes in hopes of creating efficiencies for the year ahead. And over the course of my career, I've learnt just how crucial having the right systems in places, one which has helped me across many of my investments is NetSuite. They're also a sponsor of this podcast. NetSuite is the number one cloud financial system through their streamlined platform. You'll find all of your accounting financial management inventory and HR in one place. Their technology has been a real game changer, especially for my team at Flight Studio. As over the last year, we've moved out of startup mode and into scale at mode.

1:37:01We no longer have to juggle multiple systems and having everything together has reduced the number of manual tasks and errors. Over 41 ,000 businesses have chosen to future -proof their business with NetSuite. So if you'd like to learn how it can help your business, head to netsuite .com slash Bartlett and free download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning. That's NetSuite .com slash Bartlett.