JACKASS Star Steve-O: A SHOCKING Story Of Unaddressed Childhood Trauma, 3-Day Drug Binges, Mocking Death & Craving Attention! (HOW TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND).

34:29The more money you have, the more financially insecure you feel. The study that I read about this says that they interviewed people all the way up the wealth income spectrum. And they asked them the question, how much money, how happy you out of 10? And then they asked them the second question, which is how much money would you need to be 10 out of 10 happy? And all the way up the wealth spectrum, people said three times currently what they have now. So millionaires said they needed three million people with 10 million said they needed 30 to be a 10 out of 10 happiness. And people with 100 cases they needed 300K which speaks to this sort of like hedonic endless treadmill and increasing anxiety.

35:08Right. And also studies are pretty clear that happiness will increase up to... Like a baseline, it's like 75K household. Yeah, I think that that number is just going up with inflation. I understood it to be like 60 ,000, 60 ,000 a year and then you've got all of your needs met. And then after that more money doesn't really equate to more happiness. And also to your point about the panic of like losing it, I think that's an issue for people that came from nothing predominantly. So if you've always had this financial security growing up and you're you know you were I don't know extremely wealthy or and you've been wealthy, I think people tend to have less of a fear of going of losing it all.

35:57And they also never seem to have the guilt. I sit here with people and they speak to this success guilt they have. And I hear that a lot and it's typically people that have felt sleeping on a sofa that have the kind of even when they become successful they feel like they don't deserve it to some degree. And I read that a little bit in your story and you're right. It's interesting because I grew up very privileged. You know my my my father didn't grow up with privilege. As I said, he broke the mold becoming a businessman. He became like my mom didn't marry a rich guy. This is my mom married a motivated guy who who became quite wealthy.

36:41I had privilege guilt when I was a kid. I was like quite ashamed of how wealthy my parents were. And I don't understand why that is but in whose eyes? Like I was self conscious about how my peers viewed me at school. As I grew older, the the homes that we lived in each move to each you know represented a bigger house. You know it became kind of a little bit obnoxious but by the end when I was attending high school here in London I went to the American school in St. John's Wood. And I lived directly across the street from Regents Park on Prince Albert Road in this. I mean it was a just gotty obnoxiously huge house.

37:50And I never wanted kids from school to see it. So I you know they would have like overnight. So near a kid. I wouldn't have kids spend the night at my house. I was always over night at some analysis house. And for me to ride my skateboard to school you know took a certain amount of time. And if I would over sleep I would ride with my dad. My dad was show for driven to work and he would be reading his newspaper in the back seat. And whenever I over slept and I had to ride with my dad the show for would pull up to the school. And as I got out of the car I would hug the chauffeur. Yeah. Like to try to create the impression that it exactly embarrassed my dad was in the back seat like being showered around.

38:49I don't know what that is. I wanted to fit in it's every I was the opposite. Okay. In every respect no one came to my house because it was like it was the windows was smashed in the grass was six foot high. So everything you describe was me but the opposite for opposite reasons like I would pray that the traffic lights near our school would stop. Go turn red which meant that I could get out of the like this beat up van we drove in as far from school as possible. Yeah. He was your hugging the chauffeur. Right. It's really interesting too. Like I went to a super privileged school too. I mean like I attended school with the son of the American ambassador to the UK like I was like my best friend was this kid of dollar as father was like a crazy like oil tycoon.

39:39And when I when I was in for me fifth and sixth grade I was in London England at that time too same school. And my father was I'm not even quite sure what his job position was but the word for del Monte the canned fruits and he had to. You know like all the pie there was a pineapple factory in Kenya. Dad had had to go visit this pineapple factory. I want to see maybe once a year. And so he planned the trip his trip to the pineapple factory in Kenya to coincide with our spring break the one week off from from school. So that you could take the family on safari. And I have this crazy memory of coming out of the airport in Nairobi.

40:41Being ushered into some chauffeur driven car. I was remembered as a stretch limo my dad says not we didn't have it. But whatever ushered into a chauffeur driven car out of the airport. And sitting in the back of this car in these these just it was my first time seeing poverty like real poverty. These people were were clawing at the windows begging and sitting in this car and and just thinking what did I ever do to deserve to be like I'm not a good kid. You know like I'm just always in trouble. Like I don't do just like again feeling defective you know like and it was I really wasn't a good kid.

41:29I mean I was always in trouble everything was just a disaster with me. And here I am inside the car that's being clawed at by these people who are barely clothed you know and just clearly desperate. And like that was a moment where I felt genuinely guilty. You know I had a privilege guilt you know and that's it that's worse than success guilt because you know and again I did everything wrong. I was always in trouble got terrible grades and my sister who is three and a half years older than me. She did everything right got straight A's the the the the did everything perfect. Somehow along the way like my like my sister went into a low earning career shoes school teacher which is notoriously underpaid especially for how important of a job that is.

42:35To with the thing it became a single mom with special needs kid and and low earning and it like it's kind of struggles you know like life is hard for my sister and and like somehow me that the guy just did everything wrong and then goes on to have this stupid career and everything works out great for me. So when you said success guilt I feel that I feel like like what why you know why did everything work out great for me and my sister's having a tough time and I struggle with that too I actually I I have it I've always called it kind of survivors guilt but but yes success guilt same thing. You your mother had a brain aneurysm in 98 said jackass the pilot was in 99 a year later you describe how your mother was ill for for roughly five years before she passed away and she was disabled.

43:49You're very busy with jackass at that time how do you do deal did you did you cope with it because it doesn't seem to me that there's any anyone in your life really at that point or any experience that's going to help you deal with the concept of grief and loss. How did you cope with it if you do. My parents divorced in 1991 I graduated from the American school here in London the American school in London in St. John's Wood in 1992 I went off to the University of Miami. The right around the time when I went to the University of Miami I mom moved to Florida as well then on that fateful day of October 10th 1998 we received word that mom had this brain aneurysm my sister and I flew to Florida from New Mexico.

44:46My dad flew to Florida from England we all congregated around this this crisis with my mom. At one point we went to a nearby restaurant to get a meal I went outside to smoke a cigarette and my dad came outside and initiated this conversation says I've been I want to tell you that I feel I've done a disservice to you. By not supporting you in this path that you've chosen my path to be a crazy famous stuntman. He said I chose a path that my father you know dad broke the mold becoming a businessman the idea of that was pretty repugnant to his father. And he said that his father had the same conversation you have what you chose something that I would not have chosen for you but you're clearly committed to it and so I just want you to be the best you know be the happiest and I pledge to support you and I'm thinking man like that's tough because I'm a loser you know like the whole thing going on with my mom was it was kind of prevalent but this the side conversation like I'd never been there.

46:08I just felt like wow you know like now dad supports me and I just said I didn't feel very very hopeful I don't think at that time but it put a lot of wind in myself so the next year I saw this advert on television for a show called real TV where they're saying if you got if you have video home video footage that's crazy and you think that it's crazy. We should have it on our show then call this number and I called the number and sent them my video tape and they wanted it and dad helped me negotiate the license deal with them and it was meaningful you know this pursuit of becoming a crazy famous stuntman had made my father and I as far apart as you know really really made us not.

47:06Our relationships offer and then ultimately it would bring us together and today my dad is 80 years old been retired forever but he's come out of retirement and he's on my payroll. He manages like all kinds of business stuff for me all my insurance stuff like and it's crazy it's insanity that that just again what what drove us so far apart brought us so close together. And that catalyst moment was your mother's brain aneurysm really it was that conversation might not have happened and then it it was and now now you pointed to when Jack Astro I wouldn't just well okay my sister and I both moved from New Mexico to Florida to be with your mom to be with my mom yeah.

48:16And my sister naturally assumed the role of caregiver for my mom and I got this opportunity to go be a circus clown on cruise ships and it just made sense for me to do that you know like I think that my overall attitude particularly like even the going off to work on cruise ships and then with you know with with Jackass I don't think that I had any level of like guilt about it I think that my my attitude about pursuing my own career and to be with you know with Jackass and everything else my attitude was that rather than let this aneurysm destroy everything that I've really strongly wanted to get out there and really make something of myself and that that would be the way to honor my mom more and then make my mom proud that way.

49:30People don't often appreciate how difficult it is for everybody around the individual that's that's sick and I've again I've learned that from doing this having this conversation about just how sort of debilitating and difficult it is for everyone around the individual especially when they're in a situation where they become disabled and your mother's situation was I mean she she couldn't move from what I understood she wasn't necessarily speaking. She was wheelchair bound she had to be lifted out of bed and into a wheelchair and and back and could she she could speak. She could speak but there it fluctuated how present she was how aware she was one of the more aware moments I said mom I'm going to have a book written about my life and she she said.

50:24And who's going to write this masterpiece. You know she's making fun of me and it was funny like the last time that my mom ever laughed was I came home with the words shit and fuck tattooed on my knuckles and mom was in the hospital at that point with the do not resuscitate order on her bed like this was this was the end like I was going to say. Like it's about a month before she passed and I walked into her hospital room and I didn't you know there was just a tough situation I didn't and I just said hey mom like check it out and I held up my my knuckles to her and she she she looked it in she said shit fuck shit fuck.

51:21And then she said my son is a shit fuck and she like she laughed and it's the most beautiful I thought it was the most beautiful thing like she's able to laugh and you know and yeah it's tough man that whole thing's tough. And and the toughest thing is just imagining when I was struggling in the beginning like like prior to her and your and your is like there were times when I'd show her one of my videos and she's like, mom check it out she says oh yeah that's great. But like how are how is this ever going to like earn you anything. You know like she never seemed to be like terribly concerned for my safety of the show on her videos like jumping off the bridges and like you know doing stuff that was like really pretty dangerous and and and that never seemed upset her what she was upset about was that I was I didn't have a pot to piss and she would say you don't have a pot to piss and like how am I supposed to be impressed by this where's this ever going to get you know houses ever going to show me the money.

52:48Show me the money like how is this going to get you the money and man like given that that was her position on it and I think that that she was largely concerned with the appearance of things and and like less she wasn't ever I never got the sense that she was worried for my safety on any level I think that's what she was concerned with was how she was concerned with. How I reflected on her you know like my son's a loser this is a bummer you know she was bummed that I was a loser because that reflected badly on her and that's just that's what was important to her you know there's nothing wrong with that and is that why you want her you'd like her to be able to see.

53:35God yeah man that's the toughest thing to imagine if if we if she she had been to rehab many times she was in the program or recovery but she just couldn't hang on to that you know she would always she was just always end up drinking again and I think that what would what would cause her to relapse was was the you know trauma from. The break up with my dad which is a vicious cycle because what broke her up with my dad was her drinking and then the trauma from the divorce wouldn't make you know vicious cycle but had she gotten it had she really really grabbed on to it and not let go and been in recovery and and both of us like she would have just gotten such a kick out of.

54:37Like being on being on the red carpet at a big movie premiere and she would just be letting me have it making fun of me for the dumb shit I was doing in the movies like we'd be laughing so that's one thing my mom had like a sense of humor she had she was cool man she was cool and we would we related to each other a lot. You were you were 29 November the seventh few passes away correct. A mixture of emotions I read in your book in professional idiot page 194 the overwhelming emotion I felt afterwards was relief sure yeah she like to think this the suffering was over you know it was merciful like there's nothing upsetting about my mom dying.

55:30It was what was upsetting was the pain and the suffering that she had endured for the five years leading up to her death. Do you ever process that we talk a lot about these days about grief and we understand that grief is a thing and I don't think we ever did before. Did you ever process that.

55:52If I did it was years later in recovery and and digesting the concepts in that book conversations with God that was when I finally.

56:15That was when I just. Developed the idea that mom wasn't alone. You know the mom was that. She wasn't alone she like that that that was an experience that she had. As God and somehow that just that it doesn't change anything but it changes everything alone. Why why the word alone why was that the concern. Yeah. Just because the I mean it's like on on a bigger level like mom moms this one thing you know so there's no such thing as a lot. And at the same time jackass starts taking off right so that's roughly on that time your fame goes to roof. Yeah well mom's aneurysm was 1998. I worked on cruise ships for six months of 1999.

57:19I worked in a circus at a flea market for six months in year 2000 and jackass came out in October of your 2000. And then yeah everything. The movie comes out 2002. Yeah 28 is all of that time your mother passes when you're 29 the next year. These two things have got almost happened at similar times your trajectory started to skyrocket your mother has passed away. So I think it's really. Lots to deal with lots going on famous this new thing in your life now and attention and as you said earlier like worrying about the next meal is maybe sometimes a better problem than worrying about the last. This strikes me as a real difficult moment in your life.

58:05I the from professional media which I read it said by by mid 2007 I was practically living on Diet Coke booze and nitrous. I'd not Diet Coke a diet of cocaine. Oh, I think I read it. Oh, there's a diet of coke. Big difference. You were hallucinating and hearing voices. Yeah big time. It's called st. Coses. And it's a fascinating. It's a fascinating thing. That there are so many different substances one can ingest that. Might bring about this phenomena of psychosis yet there's so much similarity between. The experiences people have with it. Even though they take so many different avenues to get there.

59:09And that's partially why I believe that psychosis. That there's sort of different compartments maybe dimensions. And that we're in our in our human experience were in a distinct compartment. And that psychosis happens when you erode the barriers to the other compartments other dimensions. And by doing that with with chemical substances. We erode the barriers. Kind of open ourselves up to energies from other dimensions. You open yourself up to like all levels of it. So you can really let in demons. Like demons being low level frequency energy. And angels like being a higher level. And by just consuming enough substances.

1:00:28I really believe that you erode the barriers. You open yourself up to all these energies. And in comes flooding demons and angels. And that's how I characterize my experiences with hallucinations. All that stuff is demon activity with some angels mixed in. I was reading about this thing called the rad email list. Yeah. Well, you sent an email to a lot of people which I think ultimately sounds like one of the things that brought about an intervention. Right. It wasn't one email. It was more of a stream, a barrage. I was inundating a list of 200, roughly 200 people. Many of them very influential people in the entertainment industry.

1:01:28Celebrities and agents and just powerful people of media personalities. And I was just inundating these 200 people with emails at all hours around the clock. And effectively broadcasting my downward spiral in real time. And I would send at times really funny stuff, you know, at times to deeply alarming stuff. I was, you know, I was, I knew that how to control. I wasn't in but I was just, I was rad. I mean, I was out of my mind. I was out of my mind. And I was making that abundantly clear by sending YouTube hadn't become a thing. YouTube started in 2005. So 2007, YouTube allowed me to make really disturbing videos and then email the links to 200 people.

1:02:37If I was a fly on the wall in 2007 in your life, what would I have seen on an average day? In 2007, I was renting four apartments in one building. One of them, I just demolished the walls and built a skate park throughout the whole apartment. With permission from a landlord. No, not at all. No permission whatsoever. And it was just with the, the, the, I remember there was like a Russian prostitute operation in the adjacent apartment. So they weren't trying to complain about the noise. There was a stairwell on the other side and beneath was the parking garage. So there were never any complaints for that.

1:03:31And then a little bit down the hall was, I had a couple of my buddies living there. One of them was, you know, edited stuff for me, but we've very, very rarely. Well, I mean, he would, he thinks he works hard. Yeah, I mean, I had people like on salary and they didn't do too much. But when I was really out of my mind in these disturbing videos that I wanted to email the links to the rat email, this my editor guy wasn't charge of that. So yeah, I had the, the office, the skate park apartment, the office apartment. And then I had an apartment for the assistant, the assistant really didn't do anything.

1:04:17Except, uh, explain to people that she couldn't get a hold of me and change my flights. I would always miss my flights. And then I had my apartment, which was this is sort of a, this were all the really crazy stuff happened. And that was, that was just my little drug den. And, um, I would, I would inhale this nitrous oxide stuff. And it would come in these little cartridges that people used to make whipped cream. And a box of these nitrous oxide cartridges would have, there would be 24 cartridges per box. But if you bought a case, there would be 25 boxes in the case. And I believe that 25 times 24 comes to 600.

1:05:14And so I would sit down with 600 cartridges of nitrous oxide and just inhale. Like the thing that the cartridge goes into this canister. Correct. Yeah, but I'd have two of them. Oh, so I would, you know, I would crack one open fill that and inhale it with my lungs filled with nitrous oxide. I would be busy filling up the next one. So that when I exhaled the nitrous from the first, I would then inhale just so I would not breathe. I wasn't breathing air as like, uh, that was a breed. I was inhaling nitrous oxide to the exclusion of breathing air, I mean as much as possible. And my goal at all times would be to lose consciousness.

1:06:09Because if you, um, if you do that and you hold your breath, you, you will become unconscious. And you're kind of twitching and, and flopping around. And, and, uh, your lips are all blue and then, and then you come back to and, and it would, uh, it's not, not healthy. And I would be doing that. And I would be doing that for days on end while, um, snorting cocaine. So it was on, on, like the second and particularly on the third day of being awake on a cocaine binge while inhaling nothing but nitrous oxide. Um, that's when the, the most profound psychosis with all of the hallucinating would be going on.

1:07:03You sent out on that radium out one time, suicide, like the Asian. Yeah. I, I, uh, I, um, I, I was going so crazy in this apartment. And, um, I, uh, it's very loud and, and, um, destructive in there. And, and the, the next department over was, uh, a lawyer in his first year of being a lawyer. Uh, it's how you know, like, um, I, I, I cared about work. And I was just making all kinds of noise at all hours and see he was, he would call the police. He's getting on, this, my neighbor, it's insane, you know. And, um, the more that the police would show up in my apartment, the angrier I would get at the lawyer who was calling the police, which is a little bit backwards.

1:08:04And that was kind of my ammo. Like I would, I would wrong people. And then I would resent them for their perfectly natural response to being wronged by me. Mr. Honest. So I would, uh, you know, I would bang on the guys. I would really antagonize this, this poor lawyer guy. And, um, at one point it got to, uh, to the level where pounding on the wall, I actually pounded a hole in the wall. And, um, I pounded a hole, you know, on my side, there's the, there's the, the, the dry wall. And then in between, there's like the fiberglass stuff. And then, then there's his side of the route. I actually, this one night pounded all the way through his side of the wall too.

1:08:56So I was actually looking into the apartment, which of course constitutes vandalism. So when he called the cops this time, the cops showed up. They had no choice but to actually arrest me for vandalism. He said, look, put hole in my wall. So they, um, were here to arrest me. And I was, um, really, really, uh, out of it. Um, like having been snorting both cocaine and ketamine. So I was super out of it and didn't put it together that I was being arrested and going to jail with a bag of cocaine in my pocket. I probably could have, it would make sense that. And I remember it was funny too because they said that I was barefoot and I had no shirt.

1:09:46They said, well, we have to take you to jail. We have no choice. But we will let you go put on another shirt and some shoes, which, which was the perfect opportunity for me to go into my apartment and remove the bag of cocaine from my pocket. But I didn't do that. And I said, you know, fuck a shirt, fuck shoes. So I went to jail completely barefoot and shirtless with the bag of cocaine in my pocket. And, um, and then when they, you know, when they process you into jail, they search, you know, your pocket, they found the cocaine and they arrested me again. So I was now out of felony cocaine possession charge as well as the vandalism charge.

1:10:29And this was like pretty well publicized, the, you know, the fact of the cocaine, you know, the arrest. And, um, when I was released from the jail, I was in there for like, I want to say like three days because the consensus among anybody who loved me was he's better off in jail. So there was no concerted effort to bail me out, which was why I managed to stay in there for I believe about three days. And then when I finally did get released from the jail after the three days and I returned to my apartment, there was an eviction notice on the door. So my response to that was, oh, okay, well, I'm being evicted and I went into the apartment.

1:11:16I found more vials of ketamine that I had stashed in there and I cooked that all up. And, um, within a couple hours, I was like screaming about God, like, well, jumping up and down on a parked car and like dealing with more cops. You, you were man handled into a cyclot, right? Like, yeah, yeah. Well, so when in this, this, this prodigious final bender and, and I was running out of time before I had to get my stuff out of the apartment, I was evicted. So the email to the rat email list was, hey, I have to have my stuff out of this apartment because I've been evicted. But before I have to be gone, I want to jump a motor.

1:12:09So I want to ride a motorcycle through the living room and offer ramp and jump it over onto the building next door, which was very, very small gap. It's not, it was hardly even a big stunt. And, and it was like two and a half stories up. I think I was on the third floor, but it was really like kind of two and a half. So maybe like 20, 25 feet. And I said on the rat email list, and I also want to jump the motorcycle onto the roof next door and I want to jump out of the bedroom window into a hot tub. You know, as it said, so Knoxville, bring a camera crew and a hot tub. And if you can't do the hot tub, at least bring some cardboard boxes.

1:12:57But I'm jumping out of the window and I'm jumping, you know, and if you don't come, I'm jumping out of the window anyway. I'm going to jump and I'm going to find out how many bones break when I land on the sidewalk 25 feet below. So I'm ready to die. And like I was like promising that I was going to jump out of the window and break bones on the concrete below and that qualified me for the psychiatric evaluation. And they they staged an intervention. They staged an intervention. Yeah. And I said not so Knoxville responded. I forget if he responded with all 200 people on copies. But I said that I did this on the rat email list with the 200 people and I said, if Knoxville responded, he says, okay, I'll be there.

1:13:48You know, I said, be here at 10 a .m. Be here at 10 a .m. We're on the jump. Everybody what his response was he says, can we do noon? What's with the early call times? She's. So we agreed on noon. I don't think he was concerned with the early call times. I think what he was concerned with was having more time to to rally, you know, a group to really do the intervention. But but but in that email exchange, I was not scheduling a shoot for, you know, for Jackass. As I thought, I was actually scheduling my intervention. And that's really where your life seems to have started to take a new direction, although not linear in any respect.

1:14:39Well, I mean, I that that intervention marked the beginning of my journey. I've been clean and subversive since that day, which is. I mean, the intervention was March 9th. The intervention was March 9th of 2009. March 9th of 2008. And we don't count that as our sobriety because it's the first day you didn't get loaded. It's a variety date. So my my sobriety date is March 10th of 2008 over 14 years sober over 15. Over 15 years sober. Yeah. Congratulations. That's amazing. Honestly, that's incredible. It's so incredible. And I don't say that to, you know, to be self important or, you know, like like, like, Dushi, it's just the most profound gift.

1:15:37Like ever. And I believe strongly that, you know, this conversation began with this dark discussion of alcoholism and how. How terrible and sad alcoholism is. However, as upsetting as alcoholism and drug addiction is. It's the only disease where once you treat it, you become a better version of yourself than you were before. And that's really incredible to me because any other disease, the best you can hope for is to get back to as healthy as you were before you got sick. But for us, sober, alcoholics and addicts like we genuinely become improved versions of ourselves. And the work you've done since has been incredible.

1:16:38I mean, you've taken on many professional pursuits. Your standup comedy became a faster if your life in 2013. 2010. 2010. Okay. I had the first time I had gotten on stage in a comedy club and performed what I intended to be standup comedy was 2006. How did that go? I thought it went a lot better than it actually did, but. But the first time I ever got on that stage, it wasn't it wasn't a disaster. It became a disaster later. But but in 2010, once I'd been clean and sober for just over two years, I pursued standup comedy and earnest. Why standup comedy? And you've got a big tour coming up in the UK.

1:17:30But why standup comedy? I'm trying to understand the through line between the stunts. It's the through line is just attention seeking. You know, the first time I ever got on stage to perform in a comedy club, there was it was 2006. I believe it was August of 2006. And our second Jackass movie was to be released a couple months later. Showed up at this comedy club. I walked in, had no plan for what I was going to do. And just observing what was happening on the stage with somebody standing there holding a microphone just speaking to the audience. I thought there's no stunt that could possibly be crazier than that.

1:18:22You know, like I'm going to do my the craziest stunt that I could possibly do is no stunt at all. I'm going to stand there and speak into a microphone and try to make the people laugh. This was genuinely the most terrifying concept. And I was just wasted enough to decide I'm going to do that when it became my turn to get on the stage. I had come up with one joke. As I got on the stage, there were people they were aware of me. They were excited to see me. I felt like an excitement. They were there to have a good time. They were they were rooting for me. I mean, of course, like get on stage and I'm Steve O 'Rade.

1:19:03They were I felt loved. I felt they were rooting for me. They wanted to have a good time. I got on stage. I was terrified. But but but it was just it was man, it was it was electric dude. And you know, I said, you know, what's up everybody? I'm in the mood for a blowjob. Does anybody want one? And and and and I got laugh, you know, like they laughed and I just was so happy about that. And I couldn't have been on that stage for more than three minutes. Like I got on and I got off. It's got out of there. And it was a favorable experience. And I decided that this was something I wanted to pursue.

1:19:50And you've been pursuing ever since. There's an awesome tool coming up in the UK from June 30th to July 14th, I believe called bucket list. That's right. And which I'm coming to see. Oh, dear, I love that. Make sure that happens. So went when I started doing standup in earnest in 2010. I imagined that I was that I was trying to establish myself as a standup comedian and that I was going to forge a career with speaking into a microphone. And and I felt that I felt that I was well equipped to succeed in that endeavor because my life has been so just colorful like the experience that I've had in my life like to to to mine my life experience for material standup comedy.

1:20:50It seemed very doable. You know, like I've got I've got stuff to talk about. So I felt that I came into standup comedy not with just an advantage in that I had an audience a profile. But I just had an interesting material to you know, to mine. And clearly the world was not eager for the standup comedy of Steve. So I think that they're the bar for the stuff that I was known for like to to go from like the the shocking like unbelievable like crazy visual stuff that I'd become known for. And then a pair of speaking into a microphone. It seems like a mismatched expectation. Yeah, like a waste of disappointment.

1:21:49Right. Like and maybe this is from my own perception. I'm not sure. But with all of the self doubt with all of the negative self talk. I just still persisted. And I wasn't super successful in the beginning. And like, of course not. But I was successful enough to get booked by comedy clubs and then be welcome back. And I would go around this comedy club circuit around the United States. And I did just well enough to go back around the loop. And that loop lasted for 11 years in comedy clubs. And I tirelessly persisted. I genuinely didn't I put in work and I developed this craft of storytelling and stand up telling jokes.

1:22:47Along the way I taped two comedy specials. The first one was me and a microphone and some intermittent stunts I performed on stage throughout the act. And as I put together what would become the next comedy special I put together this new act to tour with. It occurred to me that the stories I was telling in this new act had for the most part all happened on camera. And I had the idea, wow, what if for my next comedy special I performed the act but in post production I edit into the special interstitial footage of these stories on the folding. To the storytelling. Oh, dude, my head exploded and I got so excited.

1:23:49I couldn't even I couldn't even stand it. Wow, like I'm going to have my next comedy specials going to be multimedia. That when I put out myself. And.

1:24:03And then I was trying to put together the third show. So now I knew that for this third show, which is bucket list, the bucket list, correct that I needed to film all new stuff which would lend itself to all new stand up material. And it had to be crazier than shit. It had to be crazier than ever. And that's what people will see if they go. Yeah, for sure. This. There were just ideas that came up over the years that were that were genuinely never supposed to happen on any level, but they were they were just. There's ideas that I was so fond of because they were crazy things to say. I can't wait.

1:24:47The idea was to push things further than Jack has ever could. And there's no way that you do that and there's not a story to tell. You know, there's like the challenges of of making these things happen. It's just there's a. It's inherently juicy material for stand up. There's no way around it. And one step further is that. I've worked so hard on developing the ability to be in a healthy relationship with the life partner. So I was just about to ask you this was my question, which was about looks right my fiance looks and and the bucket list show is every bit as much about these ultra high level jackass stunts and how they were conceived.

1:25:49And executed it's everybody is much about that as the implications of carrying out these bucket list items on my relationship with my fiance. What I was actually going to ask you about was specifically kind of the juxtaposition of what's making you successful here seems to me as a guy that's gotten to relationship struggle to find a relationship from my own reasons with my childhood. Seems to be the antithesis the very opposite of what it takes to be successful in a relationship, which is like the stability the I don't know the calm the right and over here we're seeking instability and here in a relationship then I don't know there needs to be a certain stability that I think how well to derive one self worth and self esteem from external validation the way that we do in show business like for for me to base my self worth and self esteem on how successful I am as Steve of the show.

1:27:03It just plainly presents a dark and upsetting future as the spotlight wanes you know like the the and I can't and this is something that that became very clear to me 15 years ago when I got sober was that for me to be happy and healthy on any level. It is of paramount importance that I find some separation between me and the persona of Steve and with that kind of ruminating in my mind and as I was when I got into the stand up like I was acting out sexually as much as possible on the road well doing stand up and and at that time I was in my late 30s approaching 40 and it's occurred me man this is not the road to being happy and you know I got to learn if I want to be happy later in life I need to learn how to have a healthy relationship that was a belief that I subscribed to and I got to work on learning how to be in a healthy relationship and thank God I did because I'm terrified of being a washed up old attention whore that nobody wants to pay attention to anymore and being alone and being alone that sounds like the most terrifying like awful thing and so what does it what does she mean to you looks I mean she you said something earlier that the design for living in the 12 steps and this is my kind of extrapolating I want you to say you said that the principles of honesty open mindedness and willingness are helpful to all people and I'll take that a step further that the design for living outlined in the 12 steps is something that you don't have to be an alcoholic or an addict to benefit from but what Lux is as a person is somebody who automatically does that stuff you know she's automatically honest you know she's automatically like open willing like she's automatically does the right thing you know where I had to really really work and train myself to be honest and to do the right thing you know and you know she's just automatically just automatic to her and Lux is capacity for love is so staggering like her it's just so natural to her to to be loving and and it blows me away we both like with the animals were out of our minds we love animals so much and the way that Lux loves me and the way that she wants me to love her like just no no hold like the way that we like hold each other the way that like she's she's she's taught me to love she's she's increased my capacity to love and and that's that's the biggest deal man it's it's massive so beautiful Steve oh thank you so Steve Steven yeah thank you so much we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest okay and the question that's been for you is one of the most interesting questions that's ever been left in fact they don't know who they're leaving it for good said said so they said what can Steven so you've filled in the blank no no no they literally wrote what can Steven when they're talking about me I mean if they spoke they spelled it with your name with the pH they said what can Steven this beautiful man improve about himself yeah no it's they're asking you to tell me what I can improve on because they didn't know you were called Steven so they said what can Steven this beautiful man improve about himself honesty you didn't speak about yourself very much but but one thing that you did say you seemed to point to the deficiency in your relationship with your girlfriend being that you're so consumed with work and that you said something about she wants quality time you can't compensate for your you know all of your energy and time going into your career and that you want to compensate by with material things and and they put that she's no no interest in material things she wants quality time and I think that that you and I both have this this drive this this this hustle this this urge to succeed and I think that the both of us would do well to find our success in our relationships every study about about longevity and health and happiness 100 % points to relationships as the source of happy true happiness and true health comes from the quality of our relationships not the numbers in our bank account but the quality in our relationships so I think that the the my answer for years this is me is just that uh you know that we should put the emphasis on our quality time in our relationships that we do on our hustle and it's the the reason why I don't is because I think of some of the stuff that I said earlier about like where I came from and being a poor family and so like my survival in eightly in me or my validation comes from my work so I'm like being pulled by this like insecurity in the shame from my childhood over here like become back and become everything that you weren't and you know and then on the other hand my sense goes well Steve the happiest times in your life the all the studies I've sat here with the guy that did that 95 year old study on men and found that they live I think it's like 14 years longer if they haven't meaningful relationship I know logically but then emotionally and the scar the scar tissue in me goes no need to validate yourself right I'm being dragged by that still to you know right and hustle but but not in a way that that undermines or or detracts from the quality of the relationships that's what you're doing I mean I have like a yeah shit that let Lux and I have a rule that we would we were not to be apart for more than two weeks I love that and we spent two days together over the course of six weeks we broke our rule badly and that's not cool man yeah so if I wasn't so you know so so operating from fear that's the that's the the difference yeah I'm so because you love it not because you're afraid of the post apocalyptic you know and this is concept I've been doing with a lot in this podcast between the distinction between being driven and being dragged and sometimes I'm being dragged yeah driven is the like intentional sounds like you know kind of the intentional hustle with control over the hustle drag does like fucking fear like if I don't yeah then I'm not enough in right I've taken so much of your time I do thank you so much really really appreciate I'm pleasure to meet you and I've learnt so much incredibly surprising wisdomful conversation that graced so many different aspects I'm so excited to see bucket list I'm sure all of my audience are as well the 13th is the date to be there right yeah yeah that's where I'll be I'm looking forward to it I think that we might be able to open up some tickets on the 14th okay but I but I don't know and I don't know how many I just know that as I sit here now the show in the 13th just went like okay that's that's a whole show that I got to fill so link is in the description below to get tickets in the YouTube description and on the audio apps it's in the description below and I hope to see you guys there thank you so much Q1 is often when businesses start implementing new systems and processes in hopes of creating efficiencies for the year ahead and over the course of my career I've learnt just how crucial having the right systems in places one which has helped me across many of my investments is net suite that also a sponsor of this podcast net suite is the number one cloud financial system through their streamlined platform 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