Masculinity Debate: Are Dating Apps Creating A Generation Of Incels?! Lonely Men Are More Dangerous Than Ever!

23:51And our economic policies have basically said that school and college is meant to identify a super class of 1 % or is that we're going to try and turn into billionaires. Instead of figuring out the infrastructure and the programs to ensure the bottom 90 have a shot of being at the top 10. And one of the stats is just around college acceptance. When I applied to UCLA, the acceptance rate was 76%. Now it's 9%. I was unremarkable for whatever reason, prefrontal cortex, single mother, whatever you want to call it. But back then they had the mission and the charge to let in unremarkable kids. And that's no longer the case because America's superpowers are optimism.

24:32And we all believe our kids in that top 1 % and the reality is they're not. Or people think, I like an economy where you can make a billion dollars because that's going to be me one day. So they have ignored the fact that we are crowding more and more prosperity and opportunity into the remarkable. And for me, it comes down to what is what do we want in American UK? Do we want a super class of billionaires or do we want a society in an operating system that gives unremarkable people a shot of being in the top 10%. It's become winner take all. And we have purposely created a set of economic and educational policies that crowd a massive amount of prosperity into the top 1%.

25:13And we have opted for it because we believe we have a shot at being in that top 1%. I love that because I think the winner takes all applies to a lot of different things. So I bet the top 10 % of Americans now are healthier than they've ever been. All the rest of the country has never been helped. Best health care in the world. The top 10%. Yeah. Or in marriages, the top marriages today are the best marriages of all time. Yet we have declining marriage rates. So we're nearing the lowest rate of marriage that we've ever had in American history. So most people are fewer people are getting married.

25:45But if you're two college graduates who get married in your 30s, you might have an even stronger bond than people in the past. But that is a small group at the top. Marriages become a luxury on. Yeah. If you're in the top quintile of income earning households, you're 75 % get married. If you're in the bottom quintile, only 25. If you're in the lower quintile of income earning men, only one in four chance of getting married. And this has huge impact on our society because we know that married people are healthier, they're wealthier, they live longer. When couples are married, they actually have lower rates of child poverty.

26:22And so this has huge implications for our society. If we're having fewer marriages, especially when you think about having fewer babies. I want to get into dating and marriage and love on all those things. I, one of the things that really shocked me as I was preparing for this conversation was this graph because this isn't the narrative that we hear. Can you both see this one? This is the reverse gender gap. Oh yeah. Gender pay gap graph. Right. And it shows that young women are now out earning young men. That's not what I heard. In terms of like if I log on to social media, we've been trying to fight the gender pay gap.

26:55But to see that young men are now falling behind both in education, both in unemployment, young men face higher unemployment nearly twice the rate of women. Looking at the early developmental stats, this graph was horrifying. I like actually couldn't believe that was true. That young boys are struggling so much in education. But then to see also that it's reflected in. So that graph shows that boys age 16 to 24 are making 10 % last in full -time employment than women. And so it is true that we're seeing a reverse income graph. But what we do need to talk about is even when women make more in their 20s, that changes around age 30.

27:30They have kids. When they have kids, right? It's like this meteorite hits and there's this huge burden placed on women. And I think that's a big part of the conversation that we'll talk about when we talk about dating is women still feel like they have to have, you know, do all the household chores and raise the kids, but suddenly they have to earn a full -time income too. And so so many of the gender roles are changing. And so yes, that graph is true. We have seen since 2020 that there's a shift, but I don't want to just say, oh, women are making more in perpetuity because as soon as there's kids involved, they pay the price.

28:04You said that women feel the need to then also earn career and all those things. Where did that come from? Well, there's this idea of hypergamy. So traditionally women seek partners who have more economic or social status than they do. And for most of human history, this worked because men had the resources. And so the resort of this arrangement where women could often marry someone who is more educated or earned more. But over the last 50 years, that's really changed. And so what I'm seeing in my work working one -on -one with women is that when they say that there aren't enough good guys to go around, that's actually true.

28:39So we now have this huge mating gap where we have these high performing, high earning women that have done the work and gone to therapy and worked out. And they're ready for their great partner, but they're not able to find enough guys who are available. And if this is a problem now with the women I work with in their 30s, we are going to be facing a much more severe crisis 10, 15 years from now. So currently 60 % of college enrollment is women. But soon it's going to be for every two women that graduate, it'll be one man. So that means half of those women will not have a guy who graduated from college.

29:17And so this is a crisis because these women are saying, okay, if you cannot be the provider, then you need to be offering more. Emotional intelligence is the new currency in dating. But these guys were raised not to be emotionally intelligent, not to give emotional support, but to be a provider. And so they've been chasing this lion, I'm going to hunt for this lion of being a provider, but suddenly they're told you need to hunt for a tiger, which is emotional intelligence. They don't have the skills to do that. And so women have raised the bar in terms of what they need from men while men are continuously falling behind.

29:56There's a lot there. There's some nuance around the pay thing. So the data I've seen is that women under the age of 30 in urban areas are now making more money. But to your point, the moment they have kids where corporate America has really failed, is it hasn't figured out a way to maintain a woman's professional trajectory once she decides to deploy her over his napkits. And there's some data saying, okay, two thirds of divorce can be reverse engineered to the man starting to make less money. If it win the woman in the relationship starts making more money, they become twice as likely to get divorced three times as likely to use ED drugs because the guy loses a sense of purpose and self -esteem.

30:30What gets lost in that data is the reality is if a woman is stepping up and stepping into the economic void and being more economically, being a greater economic contributor, then logically it would make sense that men need to step up logistically. And I think what a lot of women are saying is like, okay, I'm not getting anything. I'm not, you're no longer a provider. And by the way, you haven't filled that void. You haven't made up the delta. So there's there's some nuance around it. What also I think is important to say is that if women are better students and showing that just one in the skills to go to college and an information economy and making more money, then okay, good on them.

31:11Just as for whatever reason, men made more money. Maybe it wasn't fair, but it's not a crime against humanity if women have the skills to make more money. What happens though is the second order effects that you're talking about and that is, we don't have to talk about this. 75 % of women say that economic viability is hugely important in a mate. Only 25 % of men. For men, it's not a criteria. For women it is. And Chris Williamson of the Modern Wism podcast, he has this great stat or he calls out the high heels effect. And that is 50 % of women say they won't date a man shorter than them. I'm curious who you think, but I think it's more like 80%.

31:47I think it's embarrassing to say because just instinctively, women feel like they'll vulnerable during gestation and they want someone they think physically could protect them. I just think it's hardwired into me, but they don't know it. Women metaphorically are getting taller every year and women made horizontally and up and men horizontally and down. And when the pool of horizontal and up keep shrinking, they just have, so there's no, a ton of great women, where are the men or there's no men? There's a lot of men. Just not men they'd want to date. And then you speedball it with the guys who are in the top 10 % can engage in Porsche Polygamy.

32:25They can get a date every goddamn night, which does not encourage long term or very good behavior. So the guys they all want are not incentive to enter into long term relationships. And the bottom half of men are literally shut out of the mating market. And we always kind of, in this goes to your ballet week, kind of portraying men as the predators and the idiots and they just got their act together. There's something strange going on in that is online dating, when a woman can go out with a guy, a high status male, and I'll put for the thesis and I want you to respond to it, she can have sex with him, which gives her the impression that's her weight class for a relationship, but he's not interested in a relationship.

33:09And then she basically decides the bottom 90 are no longer in her weight class. And you can't tell a woman to lower expectations, but the reality is, and what the data I've seen on dating apps is that all of the women want the same few guys and they shut out the rest. Yeah, okay, so there's a few things I'll respond to there. So one going back to the income graph, I want to just call out that yes, right now in a few urban markets, women are making more than men. So women in DC and New York under 30 are making more than men on average, but in most situations, men are still making more than women, but we're talking about a projection going back to the dating research.

33:51So yes, it's exactly as you described. What we have right now is there's fewer and fewer men that are hypergamous mates for women. So if there's a much smaller pool of guys, then what you have is you have a bunch of women competing for the same men. And then a bunch of guys get ignored. But what I also see is that those top guys are having a hard time deciding. So I feel like in my coaching practice as a dating coach, I'm working with a lot of women who say, what do I do? I've changed my profile the way you said I should. I took your class, but I still feel like there's just not enough great guys.

34:24And then I work with these CEO men who are having such a hard time choosing. And so I think we really have this exacerbated problem where so many women are competing for the same men and then a bunch of guys are getting ignored. And then what ends up happening is where do those guys go? And they go online. That's what you got porn. They go to porn or they go to Reddit. I mean, I love Reddit, but they're really going to some of these red -pilled communities. And so what you're seeing now is just men really opting out of society. So when you go back to that stat, one in seven young men in the UK is neat, not an employment education or training.

35:00They have just opted out. And as Scott says, there's nothing scarier than a single man, a young single man. And so we are just creating a lot of these angry young single men who are saying, well, this is rigged against me. And so that's why I am worried about the rise of people like Andrew Tate. And if we wonder where are the dads, where are the men? Well, men are finding these father figures, but they're finding them online. And they're not the father figures that I would choose for the majority of men. And so I'm really worried about this because I feel like women are saying, guys, you need to step up because I can provide.

35:37And I don't need that from you. And guys are not prepared to rise to the occasion. What are women looking for? He's got talk about height. Yeah. So I would say, you know, I work at hinge, but I do think that apps have perpetuated this issue around height because if you can set your height filter to something, then you might set it higher. And then it says, if you have the dating app is a club and you're literally having bouncers that prevent a bunch of guys from getting into the club. So many women in the US set their height filters at six feet, but only 14 % of men in the US are six feet or taller.

36:11So what happens to the other 86 % of men? And women are saying, where's my guy? It's like, well, you he's not even showing up on your app. And so a huge thing that I push women to do is to change their height filters and just say, there is nothing that proves that you're going to have a successful long term relationship if the guy is higher. I'm married to a short king. I love it. I feel like I really found this gem. And I think that so many women are missing out on great potential partners because of things like height. Scott's point is well about they will date one of the men in the top 10 % sleep with him potentially.

36:48And then that kind of adjust their standards may expect all other men to meet that standard. But there isn't just there wasn't enough men to meet that standard. Is there? I haven't specifically heard that. I mean, there is a lot of evidence around a sort of mating that people sort of have an internal sense of how attractive they are and that they end up with someone similar to that. But a sort of mating is different than hypergamy, which is really this idea, as Scott said, that women tend to date horizontally and up and mandate horizontally and down. So if you have two thirds of women who are college grads and one third of college grads who are men and some of them are going to date women without college degrees, you truly do have this dating crisis where there's just not enough men to meet this hypergamous mating.

37:29Again, you can't tell women to lower their expectations, but this is the reality. When you ask a man, if you could have a woman who had 80 % of everything you wanted, 75 % say, yeah, I'm on board. When you say to a woman, a man has 80 % of what you want, 75 % say that's not enough. But even look at the media, what does the media tell a woman to do? He's out, but he didn't open your door. He's not nice to his parent. You walk, walk right out on that man. Like it's literally every piece of media is you don't need him. You're a strong independent woman. Pull the rip cord, you're out. And it is the basic kind of communication around this is you are a strong independent powerful woman.

38:15That is wonderful. And quite frankly, you don't need the imperfect man. They're just not connecting. I read that on Tinder, a man of average attractiveness has to swipe right 200 times to get one coffee. And then four of those five coffees will ghost him. They will decide they don't want to meet him or they won't show up. That means a guy of average attractiveness has to swipe right a thousand times to get one coffee. Now, what does that tell that guy? Women don't value me. Women make me feel rejected. And then they go online and they meet, they see these misogynists telling them it's not your fault.

39:00And these men become much more prone to misogynistic content, much more prone to nationalistic content, blaming other people for the lack of economic opportunity. They start sequesting from society. I worry that we are literally evolving a new species of asexual, a social male. And if a man by the age of 30 hasn't either lived with someone or married someone, there's a one in three chance he's going to have a substance abuse problem. In addition, it goes so much deeper than that because if they don't develop the skills, you know, the reason romantic homies are two hours and not 15 minutes is this shit is hard.

39:36Like finding an attractive intelligent woman, generally speaking, 75 % of people who have been married longer than 30 years say in the beginning one was much more interested than the other and it was almost always the man. Women are much chooser. The basis of evolution is seed trying to get everywhere, men, and women deploying a much finer filter to select the strongest smartest and fastest speed. So men need an environment to demonstrate excellence. And you hear these women talk about it. He was kind. He was good at work. I like the way he smelled. He was funny. Where do men demonstrate excellence when they're not going to college?

40:12They're not going into an office because of remote work. Where do they have they're not going to church, not going to temple? Where does a woman have the opportunity to fall in love other than these baseline metrics and you were talking about women say you've seen these sick dogs over $100 ,000. That's not unreasonable. And over six feet, that's 2 .2 % of the male population. So where do they fall in love? Where can a man demonstrate excellence? It used to be go to temple, seven single women, seven single men, and they kind of care it off and worked it out. And online dating similar to online e -commerce, online rentals, it's created a winner take most if not all environment.

40:57And it's basically been amazing for attractive guys, attractive wealthy guys, tall wealthy guys. It's been amazing for them. For all the other guys, it's been a disaster. And it's been made it modestly shittier for every woman. It is the digitization of mating. I believe has been a disaster. It's been bad for women. It's been disastrous for men. I want to talk about how the genders seem to be separating in a lot of important ways. We know from research around political affiliation that women are now on average 30 % more liberal than men. So they are definitely experiencing political polarization.

41:33Then for the first time in history, more men are attending church than women. And when I started this research, I really came at it from this point of, is it just me or they're not as many eligible guys. But when I dug into this, I found that both genders really feel misunderstood. And so I asked men and women who has more power in relationships. So equal amounts men and women said, oh, we have the same amount of power, 42 % of that. But then what was so interesting is that 46 % of men said women have more power and 46 % of women said men have more power. So there's this huge feeling of, oh, the other gender has all of this power.

42:13And when I spoke to people, I want to tell you about three dating paradoxes that I saw. So the first dating paradox for men is this idea that now that women are providers and do not need a man to take care of them financially, they really want guys to step up with emotional support. But here's the paradox. They were not raised and they don't know how to give that emotional support or emotional availability. So we know women, even if they have the same number of friends as guys, the women are talking to their friends much more often. Women speak to their kids, even starting at a very young age, they use more emotional language with their daughters and their sons.

42:50So constantly we have this feeling where we're asking men to do something when they don't have the skills. I was talking to my friend David and he said women are in graduate school when it comes to emotional conversations and guys are in third grade. The other part of the paradox is that women are asking men to be more emotionally open, but then they get shamed when they do that. So we have this great quote from Brunei Brown where she says we beg guys to open up, we beg them to let us in. And then when they do, we can't stomach it. And I heard that over and over in my research. There's this quote where a guy says a woman would rather see me die on the white horse than fall off of it.

43:27And so there's this sense that I have to be perfect. I have to be the masculine and the feminine, but I don't have the skills to do that. And women say that they want these guys to be emotional, but as soon as they show emotionality, it can freak those women out. So one guy that I spoke to for this said, I went on a few dates with this woman. At some point I told her that my mom had had a suicide attempt. And the next day she texted me and said, I'm sorry, I can't see you, I cannot process your emotional trauma for you. And so guys are getting a lot of mixed messages. We want you to be feminine, we want you to support us.

44:01But when you do, it freaks us out. And so we don't want that. And digging into the research and I want to look into this more, I think it's that a lot of women want emotional support. They want you to support them in their emotional journeys. But they're not as ready to have you open up in your emotional journey. Can I put forward a thesis and I want you to respond to it because I haven't done the research. In marketing, we call consumer dissonance, what people say they want. And then what they actually buy. And what women say they want is an emotionally in touch man. And what they want is a masculine man.

44:36And that they will articulate what they want in a man and it includes being more emotionally available. And then they want to have sex with a traditional masculine man. And what I hear from a lot of, and this is anecdotal evidence in its pulse marketing. And you tell me what the data says. But there's just so many single women in my age group. And there's it feels like there's literally no man in my age group. As bad as it is for people in their 20s and 30s, trying being a woman in your 50s, trying to date, right. And they tell me the same thing. These are liberal progressive educated women. They say, I like a manly man.

45:10Yeah. And they say it under their breath. So there's what supposedly is stated around. I need more emotional availability. Some of such are their feelings. But what the research shows is they want a guy with facial hair who's the still women are still very attracted to traditional masculine attributes. Yeah. I mean, I think we're just in such a hard moment because you have women who are saying, I don't want to date a guy who earns less than me. And you might think, okay, well, the data hasn't caught up with the dating. If more women are in higher education and more women are earning more, then maybe you're going to be the one who earns more in your relationship.

45:50But what they feel like is projecting out, I'm going to end up doing most of the housework, most of the childcare. I might as well get a guy that can contribute financially so they don't want to change their expectations around that. And so I think we truly are in a moment where women are being asked to do more masculine things and men are being asked to do more feminine things. And I think a lot of that is progress. But it also seems to be creating a lot of confusion in the dating world. Yeah, it's sort of, we're just thinking, I coach a lot of young men and occasionally women ask me for data advice and you coached, it sounds like a lot of both.

46:25And when I first thing I say to men is I ask them, like, would you want to have sex with you? All right, are you in shape? What do you look like naked? Are you, do you have a plan? You don't have to be rich now, but do you have a plan? Have you, have you found means of being confident? Can you demonstrate kindness and excellence across anything? And the only advice I give women is second coffee. And that is maybe it wasn't great. I mean, if you don't like the guy and you're just like turned off fine, but if it was just okay, maybe give it a second coffee. I have a chapter in my book called Make the Second Date the Default.

47:00Yeah. And it's really because I feel like I won the lottery with my husband, but he is somebody that takes longer to open up and he's this slow burn. We met in college, we met again seven years later, then we were friends for a year. And I feel like he's this incredible partner, husband, father. But I don't know that if we'd met just randomly on the first date that I would have gone on the second date. And so I think people really do need to train themselves to look for these slow burns. Logan Scott said something there about what he thinks women want, which is these traditional masculine features.

47:29Is this what you see in the data? What's hard is I think Scott's right about what people say they want versus like so stated versus revealed preferences. So according to the research that I did women are saying the number one thing that they're looking for is kindness and compassion. That's also what men are saying that they're looking for. So in many ways, this is great. People are looking for the same things, but I just feel like there's these huge disconnects now where people don't feel like they can get what they want. What men are saying they want kindness and compassion? That was I made them say what are all the things that you care about?

48:01And then what is the number one thing that you care about and kindness and compassion was first for both of them? The stuff I've seen or the stuff I've read is that for women and I've talked to men about this. Number one is they have to signal resources and we don't like to say it out loud. And by the way, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a Range Rover and a Panerai now, but you have a plan, right? You have your shit together. You go home at midnight when everyone's parting because you have to be up for work. You work out, which shows a level of discipline and you can commit to something.

48:33You're in school. You've got a good job. This person is going to have resources. And I don't think that's changed a whole lot. I think a man's ability to signal future resources has gone down. I'm not sure it's become any less of a criteria. Number two is intellect. And it's very instinctual because if you make good decisions for the tribe, your kids are more likely to survive. Someone who's smart is more likely to take care of your offspring than someone who's stupid. What's interesting, and I love this, is the fastest way to communicate intellect is humor. And I joke, and this is bad, but I say, this is my impression of a woman.

49:09I'm laughing, I'm laughing, I'm naked. And that is, I've always thought if a guy can make a woman laugh, she will, she will date him. And then the third thing, and this is where guys screw up, this is what I tell a guy's secret weapon is, it's kindness. Women want to see that you are a good person. You treat service staff well. You're good to your parents. You have manners. You treat people well, even with no reciprocal expectation, because they know that a kind person, if and when she's vulnerable, and needs help, and maybe isn't just bringing as much to the table for certain periods of time, that this is a kind man.

49:48And, you know, sure, you want to do your best to signal resources and have a plan. Sure, maybe you're smart, maybe you aren't. There's not a lot you can do there. But the secret weapon, I think, for men that they don't leverage. And I do think it's a practice is to demonstrate kindness. And we don't talk about that enough as men. It's like, well, okay, and it's little things. Have good manners. Be thoughtful. Follow up with people. And I think that, in other words, those are the three things that I have read women want in men. Okay, there's so much there. So one is, I do think we need a new definition for modern masculinity, or mature masculinity, or evolved masculinity.

50:30And I think that that's why this moment feels so painful is that we don't have it, because I agree with you. I don't think women are saying, I want a feminine man. I think they want a modern masculine man. And so that means somebody who is decisive and can provide, but also somebody who's able to communicate with them emotionally. And so one of the suggestions that I came here today to talk about is this idea of men's groups. So about a year ago, my friend, David Clavins, who happens to be a world -class magician, came to my husband and said, I'm going to form this men's group. And so it's about six or seven men, and they meet together monthly.

51:06And they have served, they have formed this council of peers. So every month that they get together, every guy sits down with posted notes and says the two issues that are most pressing for him. So first of all, I think that that's a great way of doing it, because it's actually that time to say, what am I struggling with? I think many people in their lives may be especially men don't sit there and say, what's top of mind for me? So guys get the quiet time to do that. Then they go around in a circle, and whoever has the most pressing issue, they get to take their time. And some men might say, you know, these are top of mind for me, but it's not a priority.

51:39I'll give the time to someone else. And each month, they talk about what's going on for them. They hold each other accountable. So month three, they might say, hey, David, you've been talking about that for the last three months. Are you going to actually do anything about it? And I love that these men have a masculine space to actually go through what's going on for them, because maybe they have wives and girlfriends they can go to. Maybe they don't. But I think it's a different type of advice that you get from a council of trusted peers. And I really do think that men's groups could change a lot of these issues because I can sit here and say everybody should be in therapy.

52:14Guess what? Therapy is really expensive and many insurance companies will not provide it. Or there's a huge waiting list. And so if we just sit around for all these guys to go to therapy, that's not going to happen. But men's groups are a way that men can lead each other. They can provide this tribe of peers. And I have just seen so many changes in this group. So David told me his story where he had a lot of anger about his mom's debilitating illness. And he wasn't really experiencing it. And it was coming out as anger at his mom. But he wasn't conscious of that. But by getting the anger out in a safe place with men, the only place where he felt like he could truly be angry, he was able to get over it and to actually treat his mom with a lot more empathy.

52:56Or my husband has gone to the group and talked about ego stuff at work or how hard the transition to becoming a parent has been. And I feel like the men in this group have grown so much over the 12 months that it's been happening that I just paid for my brother and a men's group. And I want there to be tons of men's groups because I really feel like this isn't an issue at a therapist or a mom or I can really solve. I think men need to be solving this problem within themselves. Where you said is really powerful because if you walked on the hallway at Stern, there's golden seeds, venture cap, women and venture capel, black women's consulting club.

53:32They're women's supporters. There's nothing for men. And these groups are really wonderful. I've, man talks is one that I've been looking at where they've said let's get together and just be supportive of each other. And it's a fairly new phenomenon. Yeah. I think people are afraid of men gathering because traditionally bad things have happened. And that's right. I mean gangs, I'm just thinking of like many situations in which like if once there's a teaky torch, I want there to be some women there. Right? So there's a reason why people have been fearful of this. Or it's like when the whole world was a men's group, the men's club, you didn't need to have men's clubs.

54:10But I think in this moment, this is a really powerful organic grassroots way for men to change. So I imagine that you have group chats with men that are your peers that you go to for advice. And I feel like there's men out there that don't have that. And we are meant to make decisions by getting advice from other people. I personally have a board of directors that in my life, when I'm going to make a big decision, I meet with them. So when I took my last job, when I decided to move all these different things, I meet with my board of directors. And I say, what am I not seeing? What are my blind spots?

54:46And they've given me a lot of good and hard advice. And I think we all need to be building our own board of directors and for men that might be this men's group. Do you mind if I pause this conversation for a moment? I want to talk about our show sponsor today, which is Shopify. I've always believed that the biggest cost in business isn't failure. It's the time you waste trying to make decisions. Time spent hesitating, overthinking, or waiting for the right moment. When I started my first company at 20 years old, I had no experience and no money. What I did have was an idea and the willingness to move fast.

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55:49It is hard as a young man to share how you feel with other young men, even if they're your best friends, it's so much easier to roast each other. Yeah. Like my group chat with my guys, isn't probably a little bit more advanced in terms of emotional openness, but most of it's just attacking each other. But that's kind of our way of showing love. And then you'll have once every two weeks, someone will be going through something. So one of my friends now, they've just found out that there's a complication with the pregnancy and the tone shifts and we all become supportive. But my girlfriend tells me how rare that is that we have this space where we'll talk about our emotions and how we're feeling and we'll switch from like trying to kill each other in the most funny way to being really, really emotionally supportive.

56:34A lot of men don't have that. Well, so funny that you said that because my husband's really funny and so are some of the other guys in the group. And they actually had to talk about how they needed to be less funny because the humor was becoming a distraction. And somebody brought up, you know, in their own male way, like I think that sometimes we're about to go deep and then someone makes a joke. And even though that joke was really good, we don't go back to where we were and we don't go as deep. So they actually work on being less funny in that group. But look at the work that you do. You sit for hours a week and you learn and you ask people questions and you're working on yourself.

57:05I'm not surprised that you have a group of peers that you can go to for that. But I would wager that the average man doesn't have that. And I feel like there are going to be so many women who are listening and watching this and they're like, I want that for my husband. What is the evolutionary basis for this? This is what I was thinking the whole time. I was like, did we lose the man's group at some point in our past? And is that why we're adding it back into our lives? Like what was what used to do this job before? So what I've heard and I think evolutionary biology, you always have to take certain things of the grand assault because people can kind of explain away anything with it.

57:37But it's that a lot of times men were sitting next to each other and they were having these conversations on the savannah. And that's often why like guys prefer to do activities side by side and not facing each other. And so you had men who were in conversation with their peers or you know, outside and outside. Yeah. Hey, how did you get divorced? Right. Right. Or it's like, you know, why it's so good to have conversations in the car. Which I feel like you had a lot of men that were in groups at church. You had men who were in the else club. You had veterans that were meeting. We actually feel like this is a time where much fewer men are getting together.

58:15And this is all of the amazing research that's happening now around loneliness is that the average young guy is spending many fewer hours a week with their peers face to face. So even though a guy might be catching up with his friend playing video games, I just don't think that that's the same thing. And so I feel like we need this in -person time with our friends to develop these relationships. And instead we have people on TikTok, people on Twitch watching other people live their lives. You brought up two interesting things. When is your your your friend group? I have a similar group. Same egg.

58:48I have eight guys I live with my freshman year at UCLA. For 30 or 40 years we've been kind of constant contact email now on WhatsApp. When your friend had something bad happened to him, I think for a long time men have weighed in so identity for each other. What none of my male friends have ever done, their friend group would say is I have never heard one of my male friends go, I'm depressed. I'm just super fucking lonely and depressed. You just don't hear that from men. I'm struggling with anger. I'm I'm all of a sudden I have erectile this function. You would just I've never heard one of my male friends when their mom dies or they get divorced.

59:27We weigh in with a lot of empathy, but you never hear them really open up because men are worried that if we display weakness, another man might kill us and take our shit from us or the women aren't going to want to have sex with us. So there's still I think a huge inability for men to proactively talk about how they're really feeling and then you talked about a board of directors, a great board of directors for a man in his 20s unfortunately, not unfortunately, is a girlfriend. Yeah. And I'll just use personal experience. I had a great girlfriend, I was 24 and she basically said to me, if you don't stop getting high every night, I'm going to stop having sex with you.

1:00:08That was very motivating for me. I really liked being with a partner. Without the guardrails of a romantic relationship, I think men are just, I don't say lost, but women create more social connections outside of a romantic relationship. And sometimes that absence of a romantic relationship, they pour that energy into friendships and their professional life was men start pouring it into video games and read it and pour. So the fact that only one in three men in America under the age of 30 has a girlfriend and two and three women has a boyfriend. You think, well, that's mathematically impossible.

1:00:43It's not because women are dating older because they want more economically emotionally viable men. If I hadn't been in relationships that were great guardrails for me in terms of my own behavior, my own ambition, I men need without the prospect or the existence of a romantic relationship men have worse outcomes than women who don't have. And it is what I do agree with what I'm saying is the research bear that out. You know, it's interesting because part of me where my head goes is like, are you asking women to do the emotional labor of raising men? And when you phrase it like that, it sounds really negative.

1:01:21But from anecdotal experience from my own life, you know, I've been with my husband for 10 years, I think we both really shaped each other. But like even yesterday, he texted me and he's like, I'm going to get an Uber instead of renting a car at the airport. You've taught me how to be such a savvy traveler. Like that's a small example, but it's like you really do influence each other. And I think that I think sometimes about my single friends and how they go to bed at night and they don't have a person next to them to give them advice and to listen to them talk about their day. And I think that when we're in long -term relationships, there's an element of raising each other and building memories together and making each other better and having that investment.

1:01:58Plus one equal story. Right. And that's why I just all these women that come to me and all these men that are looking for love that want relationships and something is happening right now where they gap just seems to be widening and these relationships aren't happening. And this is even true in teenage relationships. So it used to be that for baby boomers and Gen X, three quarters of men had had a relationship in their teen years. And now it's under 50%. And so if you start building your relational skills at an early age, then you get better and better at dating over time. But if, as you said, by the time you're 30, you haven't been in a relationship, that's seen as a red flag to a lot of people.

1:02:36And so I think we have a problem now, but I'm really projecting that we're going to have a much greater problem in the future. I think of real anime of relationships and mating for people in their 20s that we haven't talked a lot about. I had Dr. Anna Lemke from Stanford on my pod talking about addiction. And something we're just starting to come to grips with. And as I read more about it, I think porn is really... Let's talk about porn. Well, personal experience. I used to go on camp. The only reason I graduated from UCLA, I graduated with a 2 .270 GPA. If I graduated with a 1 .97, I wouldn't graduate it.

1:03:13Mm -hmm. Not the only motivator, but a real motivator for me was the prospect of meeting someone. I could go onto campus and there might be a chance I'd meet friends, be social, and possibly meet a potential romantic partner. It was very motivating. And if I'd had porn on this, and on my screen, it was always available, I'm not sure I would have gone on campus. I would just would have spent a lot more time at home. And unfortunately, the deepest pocketed most talented companies in the world are trying to convince young people that they can have a reasonable facsimile of life on a screen with an algorithm.

1:03:51And what I say to young men, I coach is it, I'm not going to tell you not to consume porn, but try to modulate, because I think that fire of wanting to meet someone, of wanting to demonstrate excellence, and being, having perseverance and enduring rejection, and getting your shit together, and dressing well, and smelling nice, and showering for God's sakes, that mojo, that desire, is incredibly important for society. And we're taking young men's mojo away with frictionless, open access, on demand, on. Have you seen these no -fap communities? Yeah. Have you seen this? Yes. Okay, so I was listening to this episode of Modern William, Chris Williamson, and he was interviewing Hamza, who was self -identifying as a former red -pilled person, and he was talking about how much it changed his life to try to enter the no -fap community.

1:04:42Which means no masturbation. And so I do think that porn is a huge problem. My first job out of college was running the porn pod for Google. So what this meant was that we would sell ads for the porn advertisers. This team does not exist anymore. This was a long time ago. My parents were like, I sent you to Harvard, and now you're selling ads for pornography. But when I look back, I'm like, what was I perpetuating? Because I feel like there's just so many problems with what technology is doing in terms of replacing human connection. So let's just project out. ChatTPT is already amazing. I'm currently in my Google feed getting ads for replica.

1:05:23And the ads say, get your perfect AI boyfriend. Always there for you. So you think about the fact that real life relationships are messy. I tell my husband on a weekly basis, please throw your contact lens in the garbage. And every week we have a disagreement about that. Well, guess what? Your online girlfriend, she doesn't nag you. She doesn't tell you to pick up your socks. She only tells you how great you are. And always tells you that you're doing the right thing. And how was your day? Then you insert sex robots. Okay, so you have your emotional needs met. You have your sexual needs met. Maybe you're watching porn while engaging with your sex robots.

1:06:03Why would you want to go through the very challenging potential rejection of real life relationships? And I feel like if all these things come to pass, which it seems very likely that they will, we are truly in a crisis moment when it comes to birth rate and future generations. And it impacts them. It'll impact the economy because the skills you have to develop to be successful in the mating market are life skills. You have to be able to endure rejection. You have to have a sense of humor. You have to be able to read the room. Show me a guy who's good in a bar. I'll show you a guy who probably be good in a young man.

1:06:41If you want a romantic and a sexual relationship, pay dividends the rest of your life. And if you don't develop those skills, I think it impacts your life across a bunch of dimensions. This is something I'm worried about for Gen Z in general. So I did a ton of research with post -pandemic Gen Z data's men and women in the UK and United States. And such a big theme that came out of it was that they don't have rejection resilience. And I think that we hear this in many aspects of life. So someone that I'm close to, he's the former Dean of Brown, he's a professor there. And he was talking about how it used to be that his office hours were empty.

1:07:14And that's when he could do his reading or play solitaire. But now students come basically saying, tell me exactly what's going to be on the test. Tell me exactly what to write in my paper because they are not willing to fail. I have friends who are managers at Google and they give somebody feedback in a Google doc and the person is crying because they take that as extreme rejection. And so if you don't have the resilience built up to fail, then you are not going to take risks. And everything in life worth having is worth taking a risk for. And so I feel that I have my dream job. Nobody messaged me on LinkedIn and said, Hey, Logan, do you want to study dating and relationships?

1:07:49No, I invented this job. And now I get to have it. And same thing is true with relationships. It's not about waiting for the perfect person to show up. It's about becoming a great person who is somebody else chooses and going after what you want. I want to talk about all of this. And it specifically offers some solution to the young, to the parents, to the boys, to the teens, to the men that are listening. We had a young man actually write in on this subject. And he said, I've suffered with crippling loneliness. And so I've spent over a thousand dollars hiring women online just to talk to me and to keep me company.

1:08:20On top of that, I've spent several thousand dollars more engaging in other business with them. After doing this for nearly a year now, I still feel incredibly unfulfilled. And on the subject of porn, 30 % of internet traffic is now related to porn with about 80 % of that porn traffic coming from men and 20 % coming from women. I actually had a conversation on this podcast before about porn. And funnily enough, the top comment was, by the way, us women, what get porn addicted to? Because it was a bit of a blind spot to me, but I think that's something that's worth acknowledging. And this that's a staggering in terms of how higher porn consumption correlates to higher probabilities of depression.

1:08:59What you do about it, like on an individual level, I get it. Try not to watch porn, but I mean, that doesn't seem like incredibly great advice because if you're lonely, you're not getting laid, no one wants to date you for all the reasons we talked about today. Restraint seems to be a pretty shitty solution. I'll give this one just. Okay, so I coach young men. I take two to three on at any time. And I don't know if this is a railway, but it's my way. I'm like, you got to lean into your advantage. When you're our age, you have more, you have capital, you have more money than time. They have capital.

1:09:32They have a lot of time. And I ask them to unlock their screen. And I say to them, I gamble with options. I gamble. And my address still gamble. I preach about low -cost index funds and I buy call options. That makes no fucking sense. It's gambling, but I know it. I watch porn. I try and modulate my use so I can put the majority of my sexual energy into my partner, but I watch porn because I want them to not feel like I'm going to judge them. They unlock their phone. And I say, we're going to find eight to 12 hours a week of time, of capital. And we're going to reinvest that capital and hire ROI investments.

1:10:08It is so easy to find eight to 12 hours. I can sometimes find seven hours or 15 hours just in TikTok. You look at screen time. I look at screen time. And I say, all right, come with through with me. We're going to find eight to 12 hours. And then we're going to reinvest that capital and three investments. One, we're going to start working out and getting fit. You're going to work out three times a week with weights. You should be able that the human male form is spectacular. You should be able to walk in any room under the age of 30 if you're a man and know that if shit got real, you could kill and eat everybody or outrun them.

1:10:41I need you to be strong. You're going to be more mentally healthy. You're going to be kinder. Look at the people who break up fights at bars. They're big, strong men. Look at the people who defend their country. You want to be strong as a man. It feels fucking amazing. Testosterone, your bone structure, your muscle mass. It's amazing. Lean into that. We're going to get strong too. You got to start making some money. And the kids, you know, to be honest, the kids I'm coaching are really struggling. These are kids at home at the age of 23 with their mom, not getting along with their mom. Nothing going on.

1:11:17If you have a phone, you can make money. I don't care if it's lift, task record, because you got to taste for the flesh. And the way to start making a lot of money is to start making a little bit of money because you start to figure out the economy. How could I make more money? Maybe at some point could I buy a car and hire a driver to be an uber. What is the way? You know, could I get a certification in plenties? You start figuring out and you start getting your greek lands get going, oh my god, it's off snap money. I can go out. I can go to a concert. It gets those greek lands going. And then the third thing we're going to do is we're going to put ourselves in the company of strangers and the agency of something bigger than ourselves twice a week.

1:11:54Church groups, softball league, nonprofit, chair, whatever it is. And then 3a. And this is, I just started doing this. I've been doing it two times. And it's an exercise and I say, and it goes to your, I think no is the way to success. Show me someone who's successful. I'm going to show you a shit ton of notes. I've been, I ran for sophomore junior senior class president, lost all three times, decided to run for senior class president, lost. I applied to 38 jobs. I got one offer, nine schools rejected by seven. I mean, I just, my whole life has been about no. And that's why I'm successful, as I was always able to endure it.

1:12:32So I say, this is what I want you to do. I need you to go up to a stranger at wherever we're doing church group, Ryder Club, Ryder Club, whatever it might be on my educate, not online, excuse me, education, continuing education. And you're going to ask them out for coffee. It's a friend. Hey, what are you doing? You want to watch the game? Do you want to watch the liver pool game this weekend? Let's go to a bar. If it's a woman, you might have any tractor to, hey, try and get a wrap on. Would you like to have coffee? And here's the goal. The goal is no. And we're going to celebrate now because you're going to call me and I'm going to say, did you ask someone after coffee or to a bar?

1:13:04And most likely they'll have said, no, it'll be polite, but I'm going to excuse. And then I'm going to ask you if you're okay. And you're going to say yes. And that's the victory. It's interesting because if you go on TikTok or if you go on X, you'll find a lot of videos of women filming themselves as a guy inappropriately came and made adjusted to them. And then like publicly shaming them on the internet. It's very popular to do it in the gym. They set up a phone. They're working out. A guy comes over and asks if they need help with the weights. It then goes viral in the mind because that guy was being inappropriate.

1:13:34Like you shouldn't. So like as a guy, it's quite complicated to know how and where you can roll out without being filmed and going viral. So we talked about the first dating paradox, which is the idea that women now need more for men and are raising the bar because they can be providers on their own. But men weren't taught how to do that and they're sometimes shame for it. So I think the second big dating paradox is that men are expected to lead and to approach. But I truly feel like in a post -MeToo era, it's much more confusing. And so so many people say to me, I don't want to meet on an app that's not romantic.

1:14:05I want to meet in real life. But I'm not finding that people are meeting in real life because people are afraid to approach each other. I think one is being afraid of being called creepy. But the other one, which is what you're talking about, is that this culture making TikToks or going online with this data attainment to talk about how this person approached you or how inappropriate that was. And so I feel like there's a lot of women waiting for men to approach them, but then shaming the men who do. I think one of the solutions there is we should allow people to shoot their shot in a non -creepy way.

1:14:38Can I just say something to that? If the guy rolls up and he's six four and he's you know gorgeous, it's fine, it seems. The difference between creepy and romantic is the perceived attractiveness to the person making the overture. I think that that is true. If you are super hot, it's less likely to be perceived as creepy. But you have all these people that are saying I want to be approached and they're not being approached. And so there was this rise of run clubs last summer, right? Everyone said the new dating app is the run club. I ask everywhere I go, have you met someone at a run club? No, people are not really meeting there.

1:15:11So since 2017, the number one way that people are meeting is online. Hinge is setting up a date every two seconds. This is where the dating is happening. If people want more things to happen offline, they actually have to approach each other. And I'm just not seeing that happen. But my understanding is the majority of women still expect the man to take the initiative. Absolutely. And this is one of the most frightening stats I've seen. According to Pew, more than 50 % of men between the ages of 18 and 24 have never asked a woman out in person. And I just find that so just upsetting and rambling because that means they're either not asking people out or they're asking the amount online.

1:15:53We're quite frankly, they can't demonstrate any sense of excellence. And I think the beautiful thing about human sexuality is sometimes you don't even know why you're attracted to someone. You like the way they smell, you find out they're funny. And that happens in person. But we need one more third spaces, more places people can meet. And also, I actually think it would be helpful to have in the senior of high school, a class called adulting. Or amongst other things, you teach them about the interest rate on a credit card. And a little thing, my my cake and do managers and he doesn't understand the interest rate on his credit card.

1:16:25And also, quite frankly, I think young men need guidance around how to express romantic interest while making the other person feel safe. And also, that if you express romantic interest and ask someone out for coffee and they say, no, you're both going to be fine. You haven't committed a crime against humanity. As long as you're respectful and you don't make the person feel uncomfortable. But men aren't even asking women out. Everything you're saying is what I'm seeing. So I was talking to this incredible 16 -year -old girl who built this AI chatbot called Ask L. And she's taken all the relationship science research that she's seen and she's trained this chatbot and she's trying to help teens get safe and empowered dating advice.

1:17:08And I asked her, what is the number one question that you're getting? And it's how to ask someone out. And so I think people are really struggling. It's not that teens in all of human history had the secret. It's that they were willing to do it and fail. And now we're just not seeing that. And so I think that we have glossed over the pandemic. It was this really traumatic time, really scary stuff happened, and we don't want to talk about it. But people that came of age during the pandemic, their social skills are worse. They missed out on critical moments of becoming a human. And we are seeing that in the workplace.

1:17:39All of these things about Gen Z, Gen Alpha, that came from something. It came from parenting. It came from digital addiction. It came from the pandemic and online learning. And I think that if you do not have the social skills to approach someone and ask them out, there just will be literally fewer couples. I want to throw a mallet up cocktail into this and something that's controversial. I've got to push back on. I think one of the enemies of mating is that there's two little drinking. If you look at millennials, they spent $30 billion in alcohol. Gen Z, it's crashed to two billion. Peter Atia and Andrew Huberman have declared war on drinking.

1:18:16I think young people need to drink more, go out and make a series of bad decisions that might pay off. I don't see drunkenness. I see togetherness. And I don't know how it was for you and your relationship. But I think of the majority of great friendships I have and the romantic opportunities I've had. Not always, but often alcohol play a role. And I worry that with a lack of going out, being out of the house and also a lack of drinking, that we've taken away a social lubricant that breaks down some of the walls and some of the initial awkwardness and entry into a potential romantic relationship.

1:18:47I think some of the increase in being sober, so curious comes from interest in being healthy. So we hear from Gen Z, I don't want to have anxiety the next day. They are much less expensive. Yeah, they are much less like glitimalanials to feel like there's a two drink, drink minimum for dates. But in general, we're seeing less risk taking behavior from Gen Z. They are getting their licenses far later, if at all. They are losing their virginity much later, if at all. And so I feel like there's this rise of, there's this decrease in risk taking behavior, which in some ways is great. You know, fewer kids dying in car crashes and people being responsible.

1:19:26But I just feel like people are having, people are missing out on the experience to make mistakes as a young person. And I think when I think back to my college experience, if there had been cameras that have high quality video on them at all times, I would have lived a very different college experience. I am so grateful that Instagram was not there when I was in college. And so if you live in a surveillance culture where at any moment somebody is snapping the room and they could see what you're doing, you're going to take fewer risks. And I just feel like there's this entire culture of people being very safe.

1:20:02And part of dating, part of mating is making mistakes, taking risks and failing. So what do we do about it Logan? Yeah. Speaking to Scott gave a really good sort of advice for the young man or the young person who's trying to increase their mating value, their dating value. If I mean, what advice would you give to a young man about how to be attractive? Because there's going to be a lot of young men listening right now. I imagine from the start. First of all, I love what Scott said in terms of his advice. And I feel like it's one of those things where the secret to happiness or the secret to success is simple but hard.

1:20:36So it's not like there's infinite things you need to do. It's actually quite a simple plan, but it's quite hard to execute on it. A few things that I would add. So one is I have this friend Sam Parr. He started the hustle. He started the podcast My First Million. One thing that he did to make himself more attractive as a mate was he would develop these passions and really talk about them on dates because he found that women were really drawn to the fact that he was pursuing other activities. So he got really into denim and he would talk about these denim meats that he would go to. And he found that women were really drawn to that.

1:21:07He's very into the growth mindset and working on himself. He felt like that was something that women were so drawn to. How he was growing? Because if you think about the projections, well, when he met my friend Sarah, he wasn't making any money. She was making a lot more than him. But she could see that he had a great path ahead of him because he was constantly working and improving himself. The other thing I would tell men is through my research, I found that men think I need to be perfect. I need to be six feet tall. Look, women are not expecting you to fly them to the moon. They want effort.

1:21:42Remember the name of their best friend. Text them when they had a hard meeting and say, how did it go? Plan a thoughtful date. And so I think that you have men over here saying, if I'm not six feet tall, I don't have a chance so why participate anyway? And then you have women saying, in some ways, I just want you to be an effortful, nice person. And I'm not even getting that. And so I think that for men, they can actually get much farther than they think and be better than 90 % of men by doing some of these bare minimum things that other men aren't doing. So I have this question that I ask in my book, which is when you're deciding if you should break up with someone.

1:22:20If your partner were a piece of clothing in your closet, what would they be? In my clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My clothes. Oh, okay. And it really has to be gut reaction. So Scott, if you thought I want to hear it. I thought of like a black silkshot. And that's probably because that's where we spend quality time together. It's when I'm wearing a black silkshot, special occasions, date night, restaurant, make an effort. Do you feel good in it? Yeah, of course, I feel my best in it. Yeah. And do you have one for your wife? Brunella Kitchenelli Cashmere Venex, sweater. Makes me look fantastic. Makes me better and is beautiful.

1:22:57Yes. And mine for my husband would be this awesome orange robe that I have that represents being at home. I love the orange color that's really bright. And it represents our family time. So I've asked this question to feel shame that they like my my my my my your was great. Cashmere Venex. No, no, no, I think your answer. I feel so shame. No, no, no, no, I think your answer is wonderful. And I actually in general find that outer wearer answers are very strong because it means that you feel warm around them. It's you at your best. It's still fucking fabulous. That's all that matters. Your answer was great.

1:23:31The answers that worry me are something like a wool sweater that feels good, but then it's itchy. So I take it off the ratty shirt that I wear to the gym. These are real answers I've gotten. Point is for years, I've been asking people this question. Well, now I want to ask people the question of if you are a piece of clothing in your closet, what would you be? And I feel like we spend so much time saying I'm looking for this in a partner. This is the checklist. Well, look in the mirror. Do you have those traits? And so for somebody who says, I'm a ratty sweatshirt. And it's not the thing that I would choose to wear.

1:24:03Well, then work on yourself. And so I feel like there's a lot of feelings of I'm going to relation shop. I'm going to look for a partner the way I look for Bluetooth headphones. Well, a lot of that is about breaking people down into these parts. And I feel like we should spend less time thinking about the checklist for a partner and more time thinking about who am I and am I somebody who would be chosen? We've talked a lot about how young men are struggling. Which demographic of women do you find struggle the most as it relates to mating dating? So I work with a lot of very successful women. And that's also because I'm expensive to work with.

1:24:38And that's who my clients are. But I have a newsletter where I hear from 85 ,000 people. And so what I'm hearing is that a lot of women are saying men are intimidated by the amount of money that I make. They say that they're not going to be, but the more successful I become, the more threatened they are. I'm just talking to tons of women, personal friends. I feel like at my house on one side of me and then two sides over are women who are having babies, kind of they call it like single mother by choice, where they literally were just like, I can't find a man and I want to become a mom. So I'm going to do it by myself.

1:25:14And so I feel like there are just all these great women who are saying, Logan, I'm following your advice and putting myself out there. I do all these things, but they're just not finding partners. Do you find that the more successful a woman becomes, the more difficult it becomes for her to find a man that will not feel amassculated by her success? I don't think that there's an exact correlation because it really depends who the guy is. There are guys out there who are like, let's be a power couple, but I feel like there are women who just feel like there is not enough good guys for them. And I'm curious what you think about this, but I live in the Bay Area.

1:25:47I'm seeing so much polyamory. And I think polyamory is interesting. I'm pro polyamory. I like the fact that people are thinking about relationship structures in a new way. 50 % of marriages and divorce obviously are one size fits all approach marriages and working, but I'm also wondering, well, let me tell you the story. I went to this dating event and the dating event had five single women who were great and their friends were hyping them up. And then there was two guys and they were both polyamorous. And so I wonder if you're a guy who feels like there's not that many good guys, why should I have to choose?

1:26:23I feel like that's a trend that I'm worried about. Of course, it's never been better to be a very attractive male, but you have so much opportunity. It does not in some good behavior or long -term relationships. And I work with these guys and you might think that they're the happiest people in the world. They are having sex. They are getting a lot of attention, but they're suffering from decision paralysis. And these are some of the guys that hit 40, 42, and they haven't gotten married. They don't have kids. And they sort of are like, why would I ever settle down if I don't have to or I'm going to wait as long as possible, but they don't understand the opportunity cost, which is building a life with someone, having kids.

1:27:03Every year that you wait to have kids is a year that your kids will be alive without you. And so I really feel like these people in the top percentage, yes, they're having a much easier time, but they also have problems because they're having decision paralysis and they're not settling down. I think the reality, though, on the ground is that if you're a high status male, you think ages on your side. And it is. And because the reality is the bile, the math is just unfair to women. It is. Because if you're a 30 -year -old male making really good money and relative, like just not unattractive, at 40, you're going to be even sexier.

1:27:48Your sexual currency goes up. I do think that there's a point where it starts to go down. And I've seen that with my coaching clients. And part of that is just how the dating apps work. That if you are an attractive woman and you set your age maximum at 40, I do see that those men see diminishing returns after that age. Well, especially if they have and have been in a long -term relationship. Right. Then that is seen as a clear red flag. No matter where I am in the world, it seems like everyone is drinking matcha. And there's a good chance that that matcha you're drinking is made by a company that I've invested more than seven figures in, who are a sponsor of this podcast called Perfect Ted.

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1:28:56And you can find Perfect Ted Matcha in the UK and Tesco, St. Spree's Holland and Barrett and in Waitrose or Albathein if you're in the Netherlands. And on Amazon in the USA, we'll get the full range online at Perfect Ted .com. You can get 40 % off your first order using Codari 40. What role does feminism and the rise of feminism play in all of this? Because I've had people on my podcast. I think I actually our last episode we published was a lady who's a child psychologist. She's been that way for three decades. And she came on and said that the feminist movement has let men and women down in some ways.

1:29:31There's been gray upside, but there's also been a cost. And one of the things she was really big on, which I thought would be extremely controversial. It turns out wasn't in the comment section is that she believes women should be there for the first two years of a child's life. And I was like, I questioned her and I was like, and then I looked at the stats and I looked at the research and she basically makes the case that because the mother is producing certain hormones. So I searched and it was true. We fact checked that episode. And then beyond there, the the man, the her father, brings out another set of hormones in the young child, which are about play and adventure and all these kinds of things.

1:30:04So she makes the case that we've kind of lied to and we told them that they can have it all. They can have an incredible career. They can also be incredible mothers. And she says that in her office, she often sees mothers coming in saying that they're 39 years old, they're struggling, they're trying to do IVF. They feel like they were like to throwing all of that out there. I'm going to quote Scott to Scott, which is you can have it all just not at the same time. Yeah, I don't, you know, it's we can talk about what is the best hormone balance and brings out the best in kids. And then there's the real world.

1:30:36And my partner was working at Goldman Sachs with two babies and getting up at five in the morning and it was helpful. And at the same time, and I, you know, at the same time, I was struggling with trying to get economic traction because my whole identity as a man on my proud of this has been defined by money. So is mine. I don't think men say this enough. Like, yeah, I, I thought it was just really weird because we're in Austin right now. And my team put me in a hotel and it's just like a normal hotel. I'm like, so I don't give a fuck. My girlfriend comes to town to my immediately. My brain goes, oh my god, we need to move into a better hotel at Airbnb because my girlfriend, I've been with her for seven years.

1:31:15She doesn't give off heart. Yeah, she doesn't care about material things. She doesn't have a Louis Vuitton anything. She's a breathwork. She's a yogi, right? But there's still this part of me, even at this stage where I'm like convinced she's not going anywhere where I constantly think about how I need to be successful, I need to have money, I need to demonstrate strength, or she won't like me. It's so weird because it's not true. Like, object to be, I know it's not true, but it's in me. I don't know. I think it's mostly true. I think in a capitalist society, the healthcare of your children, the opportunities your children have, your ability to provide your ability to take care of your parents, unfortunately in our society, is so tightly correlated to money.

1:32:01Yeah. That I think at the end of the day, masculinity kind of comes down to provider, protector, and pro creator. And I think every young man should take at least start with a notion they're going to be the economic provider. And by the way, that might mean getting out of the way and being more supportive of a good partner who happens to be better at the whole money thing. That's part of masculinity too. But a good place to start is to assume in a capitalist society that you're just, you have a responsibility to be economically viable. And every piece of incentive in our society. I remember in the 70s when I was in grade school, our principal was a cool guy.

1:32:41He wore cool jackets and he had great hair and he smelled aqua velva. He drove at 240 Z. You could be a high character handsome, interesting cool guy into karate or whatever. Now I just think it's all about the benchmarks. I just, it's just so much our society democracy or rights, your sexual attractiveness as a man. I don't care what, yeah, right, me an article about how women just need to be emotionally available. Bullshit. It's it's so disappointingly about money in my view. All the incentives telling young men. And so they go to these get rich quick schemes. If they can make money, they feel, they feel like losers.

1:33:20But what you're feeling quite frankly is common sense from every signal. But if for some reason it doesn't work out with your mate, your selection set of mates, how interesting you are to other men, your opportunities, your rights, your democracy is going to be based on your ability to be economically powerful. It's not the way the world should be, but it is the way the world is. And what I say to young men is there's just no getting around it. You have to be economically viable. Would you say the same thing to women or would you say there's no getting around it. You have to be hot. No, I think women, I think women, unfortunately, so this is base analysis, women, men get turned on with their eyes.

1:34:01It's more important for a woman to be aesthetically attractive than a man. We men women get turned on with their ears. That's the way I would describe it. I think women economic liberation independence is paramount. You know, the thing that was the hardest thing in my life growing up, you know, whatever trauma I had was not having, wasn't not having a dad in my life. It was me and my mom didn't have any fucking money. And it was humiliating for us. It was very hard on her. It was emotionally very trying on her because she felt like she was failing as a mother. So I think women, absolute women making a lot of money is a collective victory of our society.

1:34:42It is hugely important and wonderful. We should do nothing to get in the way of that. That doesn't in any way though, obviate the fact that a man's opportunity, sexual currency and place in our society is almost going to have an r of one, regardless of how many subscriptions to the Atlantic or the New York Times you have, if his economic viability. And I just don't, I think it's gotten worse. I don't think it's got. You used to be able to, if you're a high character, kind of cool, interesting nice guy who is a principal at a junior high school, you had sexual currency. Now I think you can be a fucking dipshit, but if you sold $10 million in dogecoin, you can get laid.

1:35:22And it's just getting worse because our capitalist economy is providing so many advantages solely based on money. And it sends the wrong signal, but I just tell, I just tell dudes, you have to be economically viable. And some of that is just having discipline around saving money and showing that you have your act of that. Maybe don't make a lot of money, but I'm responsible. I'll be a good mate. I'll be a good partner. Maybe you're making more money than me, but I'll bring discipline. I know how to fix shit. I can be a good mate, but one of the things I'm really worried about in America is just everything has become about the Benjamin's character is being squeezed out by money.

1:36:07That's not at all. I want to ask you, have you ever felt what Scott describes? Have you ever felt that you're sort of sense of self worth equates to how much money you have? Because I felt that. I don't think I as much have money equals identity and self worth, but I do think for many people there's a sense that money equals security. And so we're all chasing that dollar, which is security. But I think for men, it's much stronger. I don't relate to what you're talking about. Yeah, so this is, I've never actually asked a woman this before, but it's the number one topic of conversation in my group chat with my boys is how much are we working sad in Sunday to make more money and make ourselves more successful.

1:36:49And then one of my friends, who's not in my group chat, but one of my extended friends went through financial hardship. And he's in the lead up to starting a family excertrain. He went through a moment where he was going to be declared bankrupt and he was inconsolably depressed. His part was fine. She was kind of like, you know, we'll get through this, but he was like, he's, he actually said to me, he goes, I've never quote, I've never felt more worthless. And that's something that I've echoed by many men who go, you know, go through sort of economic financial rollercoasters. That was actually one of the stats in that report, the Lost Boys reporter, Richard Reads talks about this.

1:37:27I think that's actually where it comes from. So Richard Reads says that the number one cause of death for young men under 15 is suicide. And that men in general, the things that they described in their notes when they commit suicide are these words worthless and useless. And so if men feel like their identity and their value and their worth comes from money, when they don't have money or they can't be a provider and they're sort of on the edge of society, then they're literally opting out sometimes with their lives. Okay, I want to take the metaphorical, I've had and asked you guys some questions because I feel like I've kind of said what I want to say about this topic, but I'm sure there are just a millions of people that look up to both of you as symbols of masculinity.

1:38:12It's got this is true, right? Mom's talked to you all the time and say, how can I help my son? And so like there's things that I want to know because this topic is the thing I'm most passionate about. I want to spend the next five years really helping with this supply problem and the mating gap, but I don't know that men will listen to me, but they will listen to you. So I want to learn from you. So if you could teach a dating boot camp to all guys and even talk about what you would have them on -learn, what are some of those messages? I would a dating boot camp. Yeah, or being a human boot camp.

1:38:47Let's just examine. We have module one comedy. Because the only thing that got me laid when I was broke was I was like slightly funny sometimes. Yeah, I could be broken funny and I'd have like some sense. Okay, this heavy improv this could be just this yeah, keep going. And something around confidence, which is just standing, I noticed that posture correlates to dating success. So I'd have men learn to stand up straight and to control their posture and take up more space. And I mean that in the nicest possible way, which is don't be shriveled. So like stand up, standing up straight, which is obviously one of the things that going to the gym does.

1:39:18It kind of pulls you out a little bit as well. Typical, but going out of fashion, male manners. Open up the door. I still open up the door for my girlfriend every single day, even though apparently they went through a phase where that was seen as like not okay to do. But I've always taken great pride in it. And finally enough, opening up the door for my partner makes me feel good. I'm like doing it for selfish reasons. It makes me feel like a man. It makes me feel strong. Also like when a bus comes, I love the fact that I put my hand across my girlfriend. That for me makes me feel like a man. I love that when we cross the road, I'm the one that's looking out.

1:39:50I love that I stand on the the roadside of the pavement, etc. So I teach men these kind of behaviors and definitely going to the gym. And then as Scott said, like entrepreneurship or making some money, that would be central to my bootcamp. I'll give you one more. It would be conflict resolution. And this goes to like the emotional empathy point. One thing that I struggle with, I really so struggled with until my girlfriend coached me. And I did this podcast so many times that I learned some lessons is just how to deal with conflict when the sparring partner is a woman. Because men in conflict, we have a certain way typically, but learning the skill of hearing and understanding your partner.

1:40:28And which is very difficult. And like listen, this might just be me. I find it incredibly difficult to sit and to listen to my partner for 90 minutes when she tells me indirectly all the things I did wrong. I've had to learn the skill of doing that. And I sat here with someone who's a psychologist and said, she said, they said to me, if you're a man, you have to learn the skill of sitting down for 90 minutes a week and letting your partner tell you everything that they're feeling and going through with my boys. We don't do that. But we go on holiday. It is total silence with what we're eating fucking pringles and watching the game.

1:41:03But when I'm with my partner and I'm sure when she's with her friends, it's talking. So I always, I've developed the skill now just like sitting and listening. And then sometimes I take notes. And then sometimes I repeat back to her what she just said to me. And this is totally alien to me. And it hurts when I do it. It like hurts. And I find it so uncomfortable. I find it really, really uncomfortable to do that. Even though this is something you spend hours a week doing for your own. 100 % is so unnatural to me. But you've worked on it. I've worked on it. Yeah. I did it like three days ago. My girlfriend said, I was traveling around the world.

1:41:37Are we in? I don't even know what country we're in. She goes, I've got some things I want to talk about. Can we put some time in the calendar? Do you have 60 minutes? I've got our stage in Sweden. I put in 60 minutes into my calendar. She video calls me. And she talks to me for about 45 minutes. I don't have anything to say. I'm so bad. And I just sit there and listen. And in between the lines, it's like things I could do better. She's not blaming me or anything. But it's hard for me. My boys would never do that. Our friendship isn't contingent on those things. So that's what I would say. I love that.

1:42:08Like I don't know if that you relate to that. But I think about the swallowed on my boys. And I think kind of the three legs of the stool are provider. I'm probably over focused on the economics. That doesn't necessarily make a lot of money. Listing discipline responsible about it. Developing skills certification. Having a plan. Don't be the guy ordering a bottle of gray goose at two in the morning. I'm going home because I got to get up. I have a plan. And I have a vision for how I'm going to be a good provider. Protector. Good manners. Your default system is protection. You constantly talk, speak well of people behind their backs.

1:42:48You hear someone being critical of someone else. Your inclination is to defend them. You don't demonize special interest groups. Your default setting. If somebody needs help anywhere, whereas being threatened, it's just it's so heartbreaking to me that women feel unsafe when they see men, when they see a group of men coming down the street, service show, women are inclined to cross the street. And it just feels like from an early age, men need to be taught. Anyone small or anyone more vulnerable than you, anyone in a special interest group, your default is protection. That's what men do. Think about masculinity, a soldier, a cop, a fireman.

1:43:31What do they do? At the end of the day, they protect. That is your default operating system as a move to protection. And then procreator. I think you should want to have sex. I think you should be willing to take risks. I tell my boys, I did this for a while. They can't get back in the house unless they talk to a stranger. And my oldest no problem. Hey, what's going on? My youngest, not as easy. Just go up and pet their dog. I think there are so many men out there that have no willingness or ability to open to, you know, to just say, hi, where are you from to just open and to want a romantic relationship is a wonderful thing.

1:44:17There's nothing wrong with that. Modulate your porn. Decide, ask yourself, would you want to have sex with you? Get strong, get fit, get your act together. Smell nice, groom. If you can't dress well, find someone who can dress you and initiate contact and want to have a relationship with someone. That's a wonderful thing. That mojo is the most purposeful, wonderful thing in my life. Is that I'm raising to patriotic, decent men. And it started with me really wanting to have sex with this woman. I saw the pool at the Raleigh Hotel. That sounds class. I looked at her and I'm really attracted to this woman.

1:45:03So I'm going to take a risk in the middle of the day without the benefit of alcohol. I'm going to walk up and introduce myself to her and another guy, and she'll woman choose what. Hey, where are you guys from? And then 18 months later, our first son was born, middle name Raleigh, after the hotel. Take risk. Be, want to have mating opportunities. You're a provider, you're a default system as a protector, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a pro creator. I love everything you said. And then one thing that was going through my head, as you said, it was, it feels really sad that in this moment at time, we have to tell people to become pro creators.

1:45:43Don't you feel like there's something sick in our society if that has to be taught? Evolutionarily, all of our software is towards pro creation. Like that is how we are wired. Yet people are so sick from the food that they eat, from all the medications that people are on, from all the pornography, from all the technology that you literally have to teach your sons the importance of pro creation. And that's why I'm here. And that's why I'm really freaked out by all this stuff because we are at a point in society where in South Korea, of a hundred people of child bearing age, they are going to produce 12 grandchildren based on a .7 birth rate.

1:46:24And the fact that you talk about the p of pro creation, like I'm so worried about our society. It's 60 % of 40, 30 years ago, you said a kid, not 27%. So when I was on the plane on the way here, I told this woman who would say next to me, what I was going to be talking about. And her gut reaction was, oh, why do we have to worry about that? Women are doing better than men like great. Let us do that for the first time in history. Like her gut reaction was why is this a problem? Then I started telling her these stats around lowest marriage rate, near, we're approaching the lowest marriage rate in US history.

1:47:01The birth rate has gone down 20 % in 20 years. And she didn't know these numbers. And I feel like people are afraid to talk about this topic because they think it's a zero sum game where when men lose women win and vice versa. But right now we're all losing. It's huge economic impact too because there used to be 12 people working at age to support every senior. Now it's three to one. If we don't have kids, we're going to go into economic decline. Yes, South Korea is replacing its nursery schools with its nursing homes. Like they are the anti example for us. And I think people need to be paying attention.

1:47:33By 2050, about 40 % of the population will be senior citizens and the labor force could have halved within the next 40 years. The Bank of Korea warns that if current transpices, the Korean economy could begin contracting in 10 years time. And this presents a national service risk as the country relies on its conscripted military. And this will fall by hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people by 2025. They'll hearth. Oh my gosh. It could fall from 250 ,000 troops to 125 ,000 troops. Politics is the last thing I wanted to talk about. And how this sort of intertwines with everything we've talked about today.

1:48:12Obviously Trump is now in power. And as we saw in the data, it was touched on early run. Young men have become more right leading and more conservative than ever before. The left hasn't necessarily offered the best vision of masculinity. The young men has something Scott's talked about previously. I was wondering, I think this morning in the hotel, I was wondering, I was like, how was the left going to get men back? Is that possible? Because the vision of masculinity, this is something Scott's talked about, that the left portrays is not, it doesn't seem to be in line with all the things we've just described that we feel intuitive as men.

1:48:46The things we think are important, like economic, viability, being strong, you know. Oh, that's God -gover. Well, on the right, they've conflated masculinity with coarseness and cruelty. The two kind of role models, you know, President Trump, who in my opinion demonstrates a lack of grace and a lack of empathy and a lack of kindness. And Elon Musk is concurrently being sued by two women for sole custody of their kid because he hasn't seen the kid. I mean, is that those are the role models we want for young men. And on the left, their vision of masculinity is act more like a woman. I don't think that's helpful either.

1:49:33I went to the Democratic National Convention and there was a parade of special interest groups. Everyone was represented except for the group that needs the most representation right now in my view, and not as young men. If you go to the DNC website, they list 16 special interest groups and they say, who we serve? They call it out, who we serve. Asian Pacific Islanders, seniors that disabled immigrants, Black Americans, and I added it up. It's 74 % of the US population. And when you say you're actively advocating for 74%, you're not advocating for the 74%, you're discriminating against the 26 % and who are the 26 %?

1:50:10Young men. Is this a consequence of DEI? I think that's part of it. I think there's been so many groups that have been discriminated against. And the way I would loosely describe the Democratic Party is we have the right ideas and then we just take it too far. You know, there were women have gotten a raw deal. So they need advantage. Gays have been persecuted. The non -whites have had. We're 12 Black people in 60 years ago and Princeton Harvard and Yale combined. That was a problem. This year, more than 60 % of Harvard's freshman class identifies non -whites. So I think we got to get out of identity politics.

1:50:49But the notion, it largely came from the left. This notion of toxic masculinity. There's not such thing. Because there's violence, there's people who are criminals, there's people who are unkind. That means they're not masculine. Masculinity is being a protector, provider, a pro -creator. And the Democratic Party seems to believe that leaning into anything around your advantage of being male in terms of your strength, your kindness, your wanting to pro -creat, your initiating sexual contact or sexual romantic interest is somehow a threat and somehow toxic. I just think they've sent absolutely the right wrong signal.

1:51:31And into that void has stepped basically thinly veiled misogyny. It is just so ugly.

1:51:42And Trump blew right into it. The reason Trump won this election, in my view, is the groups that pivoted hardest from blue to red, 2020 to 2024, where Latinos, who were sick of being categorized by their identity. But numbers two and three were people under the age of 30, especially males who are not doing very well and feel like Donald Trump feels their pain. And women age 45 to 64, in my thesis, that's their mothers. Because if your son isn't doing well, you don't care about territorial sovereignty and Ukraine or China's gender rights, you just want to change. My son isn't doing well. Those are the people that whisper to me in the streets about these conversations.

1:52:20It's the 40 to 55 -year -old mother who has a son who doesn't feel like she can speak up, but says to me privately that she's worried about her kids. And actually, we had some mothers write in, all of which wanted to stay anonymous, saying this exact same thing. They've got an 18 -year -old son, they're super concerned, they've got a 16 -year -old son, the son looks lost. As the stats show from the report, they're not leaving home, in the same way that women, their daughters leave home, but they don't know what to do about it. So for those parents that are listening now, we can't change society.

1:52:54What would you recommend a parent of a young boy does? First thing is forgive yourself. There's this natural part of a separation where, and I think this is true of girls, especially boys, where to make the separation easier, we don't get along with our parents in our senior year in high school. And that doesn't mean your son doesn't love you, that doesn't mean your son's not going to figure it out, but to forgive yourself. But going back to more actionable things, trying to get men involved in his life, and then dumb stuff, like my mom made sure I was in Boy Scouts. My mom, when I got caught from the high school basketball football team, she enrolled me in city leagues, so I could continue to play sports.

1:53:46But it was mostly, she wasn't sure that I had men in my life. And I think that was really, really important for me. But I would just say that I feel like I need to coach men more. What I say to Boy, one of the first thing I say to Boy is I have lunch with, and I haven't lunch with someone who's a fairly famous news anchor in her son, and I asked the mom to excuse myself, and I said, they're like, you realize this is the only person in your life ever that wants you to be more successful than you. You just got to cut this shit out. This woman is not your enemy. And I heard that, and I was a bit ashamed because I remember it like being such an asshole of my mother, you know?

1:54:32But I think I could say that to them because I could look them in the eyes and say, what the fuck are you doing? So I just think that male involvement for single mothers, and I think men are really willing to get involved, whether it's someone down the street, a coach, you're, you know, a sibling, your brother, whatever it is. But I do think, again, the research shows that the point of failure is when a boy loses a male role model, and also to forgive yourself, being a single parent with a son. I think that's hard. I just think it's hard. Logan, you've got some questions I can see. Oh, yeah, I do have some questions for Scott, but I would love for you to answer them too.

1:55:15So one of them is what is something about being a man that you learn growing up that you have had to online? And I'm wondering specifically in how you're raising your sons to avoid some of those things. I think a great proxy for masculinity and manhood is in rich of reason, introduced me to this. I think it's so powerful and that is surplus value. It's not about a religious ceremony. It's not about having stacks. It's not about an age. It's about getting the point of surplus value. You create more tax revenue than you absorb. I say to my boys, you're negative value. Look at all the resources going into.

1:55:55Look at all the love. We love you so much more than you of us. Your teachers are spending all this time and energy and you're giving, you aren't giving anything back. At some point that needs to pivot. So creating more tax revenue. Noticing people's life. Registry more complaints from other people than you are complaining. Protecting people. Adding surplus value. So these notions that, I wasn't that guy. I wanted more from everyone else than I was giving. I was the guy that's when someone honked to me, I was the guy that sped up and honked back to restore the universe to its place. If a ticket counter agent at the airline counter was rude to me, I needed to get back in their face to restore harmony to the universe because I'm a fucking baller.

1:56:45What you realize is being a man is occasionally taking a hit. It's having surplus value. It's noticing people's lives. It's listening to complaints. It's occasionally thinking, well, maybe this person who comes out in traffic, I don't know what's going on with them. Maybe their kid has diabetes. Maybe they're going to be able to find a better value than you're taking. Until the age of 40, I looked at every relationship. Am I getting more out of this than I'm getting? And if I'm not, I'm out. What you realize is good business partnerships. You add as much or more value than your partners. Good relationships.

1:57:20You witness the person's life. You make them feel fucking awesome. If you lead this world a little bit in debt, that's the whole point. That's the whole point, or a little but the world's in debt to you, that's the win. And I used to think as a young man, that man I needed to exit the relationship. I'm not getting more money or services than I'm giving. I'm not getting more kindness than I'm not giving. I'm not getting more hot experiences with this romantic partner than they're giving me. I'm out. No, it's the other way around being a man is surplus value. Yeah, I've never thought about that before, but it's so true that like as a man, you should aspire to be considered generous.

1:58:01And actually the first time someone called me generous was like, such an unbelievably wonderful compliment to me because it means that people see you as someone that's giving things. But to answer your question, for me, it was just a willingness to express my emotions when I'm struggling. That's like the, that's always been a difficult thing for me, especially because of everything I've said earlier, about wanting to be a strong, want to be a provider. There are going to be moments where regardless of how, well, you play the game of life, you're going to struggle. And I did not have the tools.

1:58:29I still really don't have great tools for this, but to turn to someone and say, I'm really struggling with this and not to feel a masculated. And I would say that because as a man, pretty much the only person you have in your life, typically, that you can turn to is your romantic partner. That's also the last person you want to turn to and say you're struggling because again, for me, that felt like I was being masculated. So I remember the day very vividly when I was like 30 years old, turning to my girlfriend and like running the experiment of letting her know that I was struggling with something and how difficult that was.

1:59:07But the only reason I did it was because I almost felt like I had no fucking choice. I'd like gotten to the point where I was like, I need to tell someone this. And she was the only person. And I still don't think I tell my, my girlfriends, everything. I would tell them some things, but I don't think I tell them everything. And when I look at the stats around mental health and depression, which are absolutely horrific and some of these quotes that we had from some of the guys that wrote into the show, this guy, Liam, said, for me, the biggest challenge that young men face today is I feel like I'm striving for meaning, but I can't find it anywhere.

1:59:38I struggle to even sleep at night with some form of substance because my brain is constantly firing different scenarios at me that I'm failing in my life. When I am alone with my thoughts, it's like having never ending lesson about how useless I am and how I need to change everything in my life. And the hardest part is I can't even tell anybody this because I would feel weak. And then this guy, Jeffrey Rotin, and said, my entire life, I have never felt like I was good enough. Like I could never earn my place in society. And even though I think I've achieved some things by the age of 18, I still feel like deep inside, I will never be enough and I'm still not enough and I can't tell anybody.

2:00:14And I think that's a problem that's quite unique to me. It might be a problem unique to my upbringing, but I just don't have the tools. So when I look at the stats around oppression and men killing themselves, 75 % of suicides in the UK are men, and 75 % of the world wide are men. And suicide, as you said I think earlier, is the leading cause of death amongst young men in 50 countries. Yeah, if you feel that meaningless and you feel that worthless and you don't have anyone to console about it to maybe tell you that you're wrong, you know? That's why when Scott said that you don't necessarily buy the research that women are looking for someone who's emotionally intelligent, fine, then don't do it for your partner, do it for yourself.

2:00:51Yeah. I just saw the standout special by Kumail Nanjiani. It'll, I'm sure it'll come out on streaming soon, but the last 20 minutes was pretty incredible, basically turned from like sort of silly standup into kind of like his TED Talk. So he told this amazing story about how one day he was speaking to the press and he said, I started to go to therapy when there were a bunch of bad reviews about my movie because I realized so much of my identity was tied up in external factors. And this turned into headlines around the world that said bad reviews, land, Kumail Nanjiani in therapy. And he was really frustrated by this.

2:01:28So in the standup special, he took the five most popular things that people said criticizing him and he broke down each one. So for example, one of them was, oh, boohoo, poor, you know, super rich movie star feels sad about bad reviews. We should all feel sad for him. And he's like, no, you don't have to feel sad for me, but I can feel sad for me. And he went through all these things and he talked about his therapy journey and how before therapy he thought, I just don't experience negative emotions. I don't experience sadness. And through therapy, he understood, oh, I experienced sadness all the time, but I don't allow myself to feel it.

2:02:01So it just comes out as anger. So he told the story about talking to his dad on the phone, his dad had just been in a car accident but was fine. And then he helped his dad through that experience. And then a few hours later, he's like, where the fuck is my ninja turtle T -shirt? And it's like, he needed therapy to explain to him. He's not upset about the T -shirt. He's upset about his dad. But I think that the fact that he, you know, in his 40s or however old he is, had to learn that. It makes me feel like everyone needs to learn that. If it's not for a romantic partner, then it's for yourself because the life sucks.

2:02:33If you can't cry, you can't express emotions. You don't have people to talk to. And so forget about attracting a mate. Just not killing yourself. Just being a happier person, I think we just need more room for men to express emotions. The first time I went to a therapist was when I was about 30, 30, 31. And I put it off for so fucking long for this reason. Because every part of it made me feel like I'm masculated. And as a man, you're like, I know I can deal with everything myself. And I've got this. Like I said, when the bus comes, I put my hand in front of my girlfriend. I'm always the protector.

2:03:08So when you find yourself in a position like these men who've written into the show, where you feel meaningless, where you feel hopeless, or there's some other challenge in your life, you think it's your job to fix. Well, I thought it was like my job to fix. And also like maybe because I've been a CEO since the age of 18, I'm always like holding forth for everybody. So you learn to like keep a fucking straight face. The businesses on fire, we have no money to pay 170 people's wages. And it's Friday and they're expecting like you learn this skill of like numbness. And that doesn't serve you when you're trying to resolve something.

2:03:41And this is why I think cord gambling addiction become the avenue because there's not another avenue to sort of take pressure off the pressure valve. So yeah, it's difficult. It's difficult. But where you, the email you just read from that young man, I've stopped. And it sounds crazy. I can't handle the emails I get anymore. I'm getting so many emails from young men who are just, I mean, you read an email like that and you just like, it's devastating. You know, I haven't gotten over the death of my father. I'm living alone. I've become addicted to, I mean, you just hear this shit. Like I know I have value to add.

2:04:27I just can't figure it out. Or I mean, there's just so many of these men out there. And I think a lot of it is I was like the economics. I'm like, we've got to figure out vocational programming. I think we should have national service. So people feel a sense of identity and connection and purpose. Some of the lowest levels of young adult depression or in Israel, despite all the existential threats, because they all serve in the IDF for two to three years. I think we need more freshmen seats at colleges. I think we need more third places where people, I think a lot of it comes down to economics and policy programs.

2:05:03I think there's a lot we can do to help young men. But in the US, it's now 77 % moving to 80 % suicides. It's four to one. If there was any special interest group, you go into a morgue in America and five people died by suicide for a man. If that was any other special interest group versus the control group, they'd weigh in with programs. But because of the enormous advantage, I registered. And let's be honest, it was enormous. Basically, all prosperity in America, which was unprecedented, was crammed into 30 % of the population, basically white males. So we just had, we had staggering advantage.

2:05:41And now 19 year old males are paying the price for my advantage. There's really a lack of empathy for them. And what I do think is hopeful is that mothers and women in society now realize that the country and women are not going to continue to flourish if men are flailing. And it finally feels like we're having a real program. The Governor of Maryland, West Moore, has said that his focus for his administration, this is a governor of a state, a liberal state, is going to be on helping the state's young men. I mean, that took such fucking balls for him to say that. And you know what? The populist received it well because on the ground, people are feeling it.

2:06:25They're really feeling how much young men are struggling. So I'm actually quite hopeful that we've turned a corner in terms of the dialogue. Because when I started talking about this four or five years ago, and right away, oh, you're massage, your hair wasn't on fire when women were, I mean, just, oh, it was such, there was such a gag reflex. It has changed so dramatically in the last four or five years. Where do we send these guys? That's a great question. And I wish I had a list of resources I'm trying to assemble it around all right. I mean, I'm involved with it. Because it's difficult to discern between ordinary young adults or adolescent problems and when a kid's suicidal.

2:07:11I wish I had some sort of, I filtered with it. This kid needs help right away. Like, they're here with some resources. Here are some men's groups. You know, and I do a shitty job. I can't talk to all of them. A couple of them might take the lazy west. Here's 500 bucks to better help online therapy. I'll pay for your first four sessions. Just be, but I gotta be honest. I don't know. I mean, I think we should put together this list of resources. And I feel like there are good guys out there. I put Chris Williamson and this group. I put both of you out there. Podcasts are how a lot of modern wisdom is being expressed right now, right?

2:07:42You don't go to church. You get your sermon through your AirPods. So like, who are the guys that are saying healthy things? And I feel like if we can fill their ears with the healthy messages of masculinity, we are taking away the space and the attention from the people that are really profiting from these negative messages. I think you need a place to send the people who email you. And I appreciate the offer and we should do this. But we should have a list that says, all right, what are you struggling with? And here are some resources or things you should think about. But even what you both said to my answer or to my question around, like, what's the bootcamp or what would you tell guys?

2:08:23Like, that's not a crazy list. I think it's like for a lot of these guys to have you as sort of a male role model of like, go to the gym, make money, be kind, look out for others. Like, I just feel like that can be condensed into, and maybe that's what your new book is. But like, truly, I think people are looking for a script with the lack of religion, lack of institution. We've lost all these scripts that tell people what to do. Let's write a new script. It's on you, brother. You're younger. You've got more tread on you. You've got, look at all these cameras. I mean, somebody's going to watch this and pull it together into all of your advice, but I'm just saying.

2:09:07I like the idea of a collective. It needs to get out there because if you don't fill the space, somebody else will and they already are. And it's not the messages that you want to have the next population, the next generation having. I agree. We'll talk about this in the camera. One, two, three. Man. Man. Anything else you want to to ask us? I know you see your Scott, so here reviewers say if you've got any other questions you want to ask us? No, I'm just really glad that we're having this conversation. I feel like maybe I wouldn't have had this conversation a year ago. I do think the tide is turning.

2:09:38I think the title of the report as lost boys is very helpful. And I just want to end with the message that women don't have to do worse when men do better and vice versa. And raise up everyone so that we're all thriving. And yeah, let's help these lost boys and also help women. Any closing points when it's bad? Well, just a message to young people in general. The arc of happiness is a smile. And that is kind of zero to 18 is prom, football, making out. It's generally pretty happy. The least happy years for people are usually kind of 18 to 45. Economic stress, relationships are hard. You probably are someone you'd love a great deal get sick and dies.

2:10:31And if you're struggling, what I would just say is, you know, don't be afraid to reach out for help, but also realize that if you're not a member of parliament and you don't have a fragrance named after you, it doesn't mean you're failing. And to forgive yourself and to recognize that those are tough years. I, you know, when my first kid was born, I tell this story a lot. It's supposed to be angels singing in bright lights. I felt nothing but shame. I was 42 and I was broke. I had put everything into my tech company, great financial session came along. I think I have my account called me and said, you're worth a negative $2 million.

2:11:09If we look at your debts, you're worth negative $2 million. And about that time, my oldest son had the poor judgment to come rotating out of my girlfriend. And all I felt with this kid was shame. My, I have failed. I've failed myself. And now I've failed on an entirely new dimension as a provider and a father. That was the first thing I felt when my son was born. And I wrote about it. And I can't tell you how many men I heard from. That all I felt when I had my first kid, our kids, was a sense of embarrassment and that I was already failing. That energy that you felt about my moment. Did you channel it into something or were you tempted?

2:11:50Naja, Naja. I was in the delivery room and they were more worried about me and they thought it was because I was grossed out by birthing. It was because I was so ashamed. I just immediately felt like, oh my god. How did I put myself in a position where I'm a terrible provider on day one? I just felt the tremendous amount of shame. And I think most people when you talk to them at some point have felt really down and really like embarrassed. And I just don't think that's anything unusual. And you, you, you want to, you want to forgive yourself? You want to say to yourself, I can add value to a company.

2:12:27I can make someone very happy. You know, and try and surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself. And every day, just little baby steps, right? Some things down. Try and exercise, try and eat well. I can tell when I'm getting depressed. And I have this method of getting out of it. I call it SCAFA, SCAFA SWET. It's like, resets my operating system. Clean, try and eat really well at home. Absinence. And when I say absence, abstinence from pot and alcohol. Both of which I love. And I'm really good at them. They add value to my life. But when I'm not feeling good, I take them out of my life.

2:13:05Because whatever's going on with my sensors, I just don't want to mess with them. F is family. I find being around my boys is really important. And then A is affection. I find affection being around, even if it's my dogs laying on me or my boys. I'll say to my boys, let's watch TV and my boys and sinkily throw their legs on mine. Not necessarily sex, but affection with my partner. Those are the things that get me out of a dark place. So try and figure out if you can what things help you get out of a dark place. But recognize everyone struggles. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't reach out and find help.

2:13:41But everything online is telling you you should be in a Gulfstream and parting in St. Barts. No, that's just not the real world. And prime bill to support system. And also forgive yourself. Life is happiness is a smile. Kind of 20 to 45 is usually, you know, it's full of a lot of joy. But it's also full of a lot of, you know, oftentimes a lot of anxiety. Do you go to therapy? No, have you ever been? I did my first marriage. We went to marriage counseling. And after the first session, we decided to get divorced. So I'm a little traumatized by therapy. Yeah. Hey, right to it. Save me real money.

2:14:20Yeah. Oh, Steven, I wanted to add one more thing. I think an underappreciated resource for men for building empathy is reading fiction books. So I'm in a book club. I read fiction all the time. Fiction builds a lot of empathy because you are truly inside the mind of somebody else for two or three hundred pages. When I talk to guys, they so rarely read fiction. Do you read any fiction? Not at all. A lot of guys that I talk to, they say, oh, I read nonfiction. And there's so many lists online of like the hundred nonfiction books to get your MBA. And it's like, we're all reading so much nonfiction on our phone at all times.

2:14:56Read a book of fiction. Get inside the head of somebody else. Get inside the head of a woman. I think that for zero dollars at the local library, you can actually become a better person. You're not interesting. There's a reason why men read books about how to make money. Yeah. Because it goes back to everything we've said. If I said to my boys, boys, we're going to start reading fiction. That my friends read stuff that's going to help them build a business, make money, or gain muscle mass. Yeah, but can I convince? What if you're single? And I'm going to say, read this fiction and you're going to get laid.

2:15:25Like, why can't we just reframe and change the narrative on fiction? You're right. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like there's so many examples of times that I haven't really known with going on with the group. And then I read a book about that group. And I'm not an expert in them, but I can think about them more. And I just feel like, look, if you are not having success with women, and you don't have any women in your life, read a fucking book by a woman. Just a quick anecdote. When I was a senior in high school in a freshman in college, I remember thinking, I'm strange. I remember feeling very insecure about my own psychological makeup, and that didn't help.

2:16:02And then I read a bunch of John Irving novels, the world according to Garpe, Cider House Rules, and the people in it were just so fucking strange. It made me feel better about myself. I'm like, oh, there's other weirdos out there. So what you say really resonates, it made me feel less self -conscious about how unusual I thought I was. So it just dawned on me that that was a big help for me. Well, TikTok is not going to give you the empathy that spending 300 pages inside the mind of a person different from yourself will. Thank you both for so many reasons. Scott, you're actually writing a book at the moment, which is going to be published shortly.

2:16:40We've talked about it a few times. What is the title of that book? What is it about? Well, I've determined, I don't know how it is for you, with books, but basically your publisher does nothing. And then, and then obsesses over the title. That's the value I want. That is very true. So I had it work. It was supposed to be a virtually about masculinity, and then I realized that I don't have the skills of the domain expertise to summarize masculinity. So I change it to work in progress, notes on becoming a man. And I just talk about stories that I've written about, about some of the things we've talked about today, and try and use masculinity as a code.

2:17:11I think everyone needs a code, whether it's the military, the religion, their family values. And I think masculinity can serve as a code if defined correctly for a young man. But it's just a series of stories about things I've gone through some of my many ways I've failed and what I learned about trying to become a man, trying to be a good dad, trying to be a good partner. When is it published? When is it going to be published? It'll be on the fall. Wonderful. Okay. And Logan, you have an incredible book, which is, I mean, one of the, I think the book on this subject matter called, How to Not Dialogue and the Surprising Science that will help you find love.

2:17:47And what does someone discover in that book? Well, it's really about understanding the blind spots that hold people back from finding love, and then making a plan to overcome them. I'm going to link all of Scott's books, and I'm all of Logan's book in the comments below for anybody to read. I also wanted to say a huge thank you to the Center of Social Justice for making this report, because it's, again, it's caused a huge conversation in the UK, now around the world, around lost boys. And we have a closing tradition on this podcast, where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest, not only who they're leaving it for.

2:18:17And the question I'm going to ask both of you is, Logan, what are you most scared of? I'm most scared of losing my husband, because he has had a brush with death. He had very serious bone cancer. I feel like we've just been through such hard stuff with him medically. That right now I'm here today with you. He's climbing. I was just thinking, you know, what happens if something happens to him with climbing, and we have a one -year -old daughter. And so maybe the most obvious answer is something to happen to my daughter, but for me it's really something to happen to my husband. Scott, what do you most get off?

2:18:58The way I took that was what am I most worried about. I'm really worried about an epidemic of loneliness. From a societal standpoint, that people are starting to believe they can disengage from life, and that leads to anxiety and depression and polarization that makes the world a less safe place. Personally, my fear has always been the same. I'm always worried that my kind of selfish instincts manifest in a ugly way and I end up alone and old. That's my biggest fear, that I end up dying under bright lights, surrounded by strangers. That's my biggest fear. Because your selfish instincts manifest.

2:19:39You do something wrong in your relationship or you fuck up your... Yeah, just always. My dad is not a very... My dad ended up... My dad's basically alone at 95, and some of his less... Some of his lower character quality attributes I see in myself, and that's a fear. My fear is that, you know, and a dying surrounded by strangers. Steve, do yours.

2:20:04The first thing that comes to mind is my... Something happening to my partner. I just can't imagine... I just see her as this, like, perfect human being. That was, like, this angel. So thinking... I just can't imagine ever finding anybody comparable. So something happening to her, finding out she was sick, I think, is the first thing that comes to mind. It comes to mind, but actually, but above anything in my life. And then I do have a little bit of Scott's fear, which he expressed there, which is that I will make bad decisions based on... I'm going to just say it, just like, the temptations of life.

2:20:41And that'll lead me up, lead me to be a bad father, not be around for my kids, not be able to be around for my kids, and be lonely, and old and rich, and miserable. It's like, kind of, a fear I've always had. It's interesting, I said, the word temptation. Yeah. Because in the world, you know, there's a lot of temptation. There is. If people don't talk about it a lot. Thank you, Scott. Thank you. I want to say thank you to you in particular, because you've been one of the leading voices in this fight. That's a generous thing to say. No, but it's absolutely not generous, because it's absolutely true.

2:21:15When people think of this subject matter, they think of you now. And you also stuck your neck out, and started speaking about this subject, long before it was okay to speak about this subject. And you spoke about it in such an eloquent, hilarious, wise way that both sides listened. And I think you're one of the key people on this subject matter, who's even allowed these kind of reports to exist, because I'm actually not sure that if it wasn't for you, reports like this would exist. I think you're wrong, but I'll take a... I think I'm absolutely right. Like I actually think I'm right, because the reach you've had on this subject matter is hundreds and hundreds of millions of people across the clips, across the podcast you've done.

2:21:53And like I said, listen, there wasn't a lot of people saying it before you could say, you've actually given cover to a lot of people. You've even given cover to me. And it's because of the wonderful science and art that you deploy as a relates to communication and Logan. Thank you as well, because you've made the decision as well. It's a lens of voice to this subject matter, which is complicated and it's like problematic and it's full of like landmines it feels like. But you're adding an incredibly important perspective when that comes from tremendous research, lived experience. And you're a very important, I think, individual in this fight to speak and to sort of create a better world for our young and lost boys.

2:22:34Thank you. Can I thank Scott too? Look at yourself. You know, just to make you uncomfortable. Oh, I'm fine. Okay. Yeah, so as I've been talking to people about my interest in this, the first thing they always say is, oh, the stuff that Scott Gallo is talking about. And if you weren't talking about it, I don't think they would have anyone to point to. But I just need to, I feel like a plagiarist, because the majority of my good data comes from Richard Richard. I know that that's true, but the point is you are the most effective communicator in the world right now. Your ability to turn stories and facts into persuasion is something that no one else is doing.

2:23:09So you're taking Richard's data and combining your lived experience and you're getting this message out there in a way that no one else is doing. I think that's right. Thank you. And no one else could reach both sides in such an effective way, which I think is really important. So again, thank you, Scott. Thank you. Thank you for speaking so generally. I should go to him. Really appreciate it. We launched his conversation cards and they sold out. And we launched the McGinn and they sold out again. We launched the McGinn and they sold out again. Because people love playing these with colleagues at work, with friends at home, and also with family.

2:23:40And we've also got a big audience that used them as journal prompts. Every single time a guest comes on the diorama CEO, they leave a question for the next guest in the diary. And I've sat here with some of the most incredible people in the world. And they've left all of these questions in the diary. And I've ranked them from one to three in terms of the depth. One being a starter question. And level three, if you look on the back here, this is a level three, becomes a much deeper question that builds even more connection. If you turn the cards over and you scan that QR code, you can see who answered the card and watch the video of them answering it in real time.

2:24:17So if you would like to get your hands on some of these conversation cards, go to the diary .com or look at the link in the description below. I find it incredibly fascinating that when we look at the back end of Spotify and Apple and our audio channels, the majority of people that watch this podcast haven't yet hit the follow button or the subscribe button wherever you're listening to this. I would like to make a deal with you. If you could do me a huge favor and hit that subscribe button, I will work tirelessly from now until forever to make the show better and better and better and better. I can't tell you how much it helps when you hit that subscribe button.

2:24:48The show gets bigger, which means we can expand the production, bring in all the guests you want to see and continue to do in this thing we love. If you could do me that small favor and hit the follow button, wherever you're listening to this, that would mean the world to me. That is the only favor I will ever ask you. Thank you so much for your time.