Moment 153: Happiness Engineer Explains The Exact Formula For Happiness: Mo Gowdat

0:00You know when you're in a meeting, taking notes, trying to focus, but your devices keep pinging notifications. For me, that's really annoying. And usually it makes your brain start to wander away and fall into distraction. This was happening to my producer, Jack. And we were chatting about it when I realized that I knew the exact product that would fix this problem for him. It's from our sponsor, Remarkable. Essentially, it's a paper tablet with no notifications. So it's far less distracting than most tablets. It's called the Remarkable Paper Pro Move. And it really does look, feel, and sound the same as writing on paper, which is really nice if you spend a lot of time taking notes.

0:36But because it's digital, your handwritten notes can be converted into typed text and then you can send it over email or Slack or just keep editing it within the app. All of their products have no blue light, which for someone who looks at screens as much as I do is something I really appreciate. Remarkable is offering a 50-day trial on their products for free. And at the end of that time, if it's not what you're looking for, you simply get all of your money back by sending it back. Give the present of being present. Find the perfect distraction-free paper tablet at remarkable.com.

1:10So what is the cause of unhappiness as you see it, especially if you're building sort of machine learning applications that are going to, you know, solve, you know, make people arrive at contentment or happiness in a personalized way. We must be able to know what's causing this lack of happiness. Allow me a bit of time to explain it because it's simple when we get it, but it's not simple to get to it. So happiness is very predictable, okay? If you look back at any point in your life where you ever felt happy, there is one commonality across all of those moments that can actually be documented in a mathematical equation, okay?

1:44You've never felt happy because of a specific event in your life, okay? Take, for example, rain. Rain doesn't make you happy or unhappy. There is no inherent value of happiness in rain, okay? Rain makes you happy when you want to water your plants and it makes you unhappy when you want to sunbathe, right? And so it's not just the event, rain. It's the comparison between the event and an expectation in your mind of how life should be, okay? If you're worried about your plants, then life should be generous to me and get me rain so I can water the plants. And if life does that, then life meets your expectations and you're happy, okay?

2:24And so happiness in that sense becomes equal to or greater than, so it's really mathematics, that your perception of the events of your life minus your expectations of how life should be. Okay, and apply that to anything. Apply that to anything. So, you know, my favorite example is nature. We're all happy in nature. Why are we all happy in nature? I mean, you go out there and there are ants and there are flies and, you know, trees are crooked and there are, you know, shrubs everywhere and bushes and it's just really not that hedged and organized. But that's what we expect. So, you know, nature's chaos is what we expect nature to be.

3:05And so we feel happy. You know, nobody ever sits in front of the ocean and says, I like the view, but please mute the sound. Okay. You just take it. You know, it's the monotonous sound and the view and the wind and the sun and the whole experience. Right. And because of that, happiness becomes very different than what was defined to us. Okay. What was defined to us is that happiness is found in a gathering at the pub or a party or an activity or some kind of pleasure or fun or elation or whatever that is. That's not at all true. I call these the state of escape. Happiness as per the definition of the happiness equation is events equal to orbiting expectations, life going my way.

3:53Okay. And so basically happiness is that calm and peacefulness you feel when you're okay with life as it is. It doesn't really matter what life is. Okay. What matters is that you can be okay with it. Right. So, so you take, you know, any example, if your boss is annoying and your expectation is, yeah, bosses are annoying. This is what life is about. They become bosses because they're annoying. right and and so if if that's your expectation you're gonna look at it and go like yeah i need to learn the skill of managing annoying bosses okay and if that's the case then you're not going to be upset about it similarly anything else if you look at it then it's not just the event it's your perception of the event so you have a something to influence it's not just the event Your partner might say something hurtful on Friday at 4 p.m.

4:48That's the event. My partner said something hurtful. At Sunday morning, you tell yourself he or she doesn't love me anymore. Okay. That's your perception of the event. That's not actually the event. The event is something hurtful was said. But your perception of the event is your work, is your brain adding color to it. And then you compare that to your expectations, right? You compared my boss is annoying to my boss shouldn't be annoying. Where did you get that from? So we blur the happiness equation. We break the happiness equation because of what I call the six and seven. Six grand illusions and seven blind spots.

5:27The six grand illusions are basically, call them pathways that the modern world teaches us to navigate the modern world that are illusions, are not true. Okay. Take, for example, control. Everyone knows that to succeed in the modern world, you have to learn to control certain events. Right. So you start to believe that the way to succeed in life is to control everything. But the truth is, even if you go down to the basics of physics, that we never are in control. That the absolute design of nature itself, of the universe itself is entropy and chaos, right? That's the actual design. And so if you try to control it, you're bound to be disappointed.

6:10A lot of events are going to miss your expectations, okay? And yes, I'm not saying don't control anything at all, but start to understand that you're going to be selective because you have a finite amount of effort. And by the way, even if you're selective and you try to control everything, sometimes things will fall out of control, okay? And that should be your expectation once you get that right that was one that was my biggest illusion okay i'm a mathematician i'm a software developer i am a physicist i am an engineer and i'm a senior executive it doesn't get worse than that okay i'm like the worst absolute the worst i used to give my wonderful wife i swear to you steven don't judge me i used to give her a spreadsheet that would tell her when to wash the colors and when to wash the whites based on our average consumption as a family to save the environment.

7:03And poor Nibel would actually smile at me and say, sure, baby, I will use this. Of course, and ignores the hell out of me because that's how crazy you can be when it comes to control. Now, these are the illusions. If you live your life through the illusion of control, good luck finding happiness. So six grand illusions, the illusion of thought, the illusion of self, the illusion of knowledge, the illusion of time, control, and fear. Okay, now that's one side and that disrupts your entire view of what to expect from life because you're expecting life to behave through a lens of an illusion. The other side of it is what I call seven blind spots.

7:45okay and the seven blind spots are not really defects in your brain as a matter of fact they are the very design of your brain okay your brain is designed to tell you what's wrong okay it's not designed to you know if a tiger shows up right here now my brain has no use whatsoever in telling me oh my god look how majestic that animal is right yeah it's a beautiful animal but my brain will say we're gonna die okay and we're gonna die is the idea that basically makes our brain constantly look for what's wrong, blur the events of life. You ask a mother and she will say, oh, my daughter's been sick all winter.

8:29No, she just had two episodes of flu, three days each. But to the caring heart of a mother, that needs to be exaggerated too. Exaggeration is one of the blind spots. Your brain is trying to get you to take action. So it pushes you. It pushes you by exaggerating the event a little bit so that you jump in and take action. And accordingly, the event you're comparing to, you're comparing the wrong event to the wrong expectation and the happiness equation falls apart. Under all of this, you're inferring something which I think will annoy a lot of people. And that is that happiness is a choice. Oh, totally.

9:05And that you can choose to be happy. Totally. And that if you're unhappy, and really, for many circumstances in our life, day to day, in work and love and relationships, personal responsibility is the answer. Entirely on you. And a lack thereof is the cause. Absolutely. You know what you just did? You've just lost us 80 % of the audience. I know. Do you know why I know? Because I did a tweet one day about this. And what my tweet was, there's like a, I guess a mental model, but there's a reframing that can, I think, has brought me happiness, which is when something happens to me, I used to, like many people say, X thing that happened has pissed me off.

9:44And just by changing that sentence to, I've pissed myself off because of X thing. And I tweeted that and I was like, try it, just like reframe it and take personal responsibility for how you're feeling. And in the comment section, everyone was like, nope. People don't like the idea that they have control over their emotional responses. So when I write books in general, I write them like software. So I issue a beta version, okay? And I get 270 people. I don't know why 270. That's fascinating. Yeah, I get 270 people to read it on Google Docs. So I give them editor privileges so I can actually edit the text, right?

10:24And then something fascinating happens. They edit the text and then others edit what they edited, okay? And there is a conversation happening. and basically it takes the book to its best possible version if you want. In Soul for Happy, I had a sentence on page 11 that basically said exactly what you said. Happiness is a choice. Okay. And at that page, I lost 8 % of the readers. Okay. And, you know, I looked into the information that they gave me about themselves, the early readers, and most of the 8 % that left were already in depression. Okay. And to tell someone it's your responsibility to get yourself out of this horrible place that you're in is quite disturbing because we like the idea of saying, no, no, hold on.

11:11No, it's not me. Life is treating me really badly. That's why I'm not happy. Okay. I can't do anything about it. Life took my son. You know, life took my son. I have the right to be unhappy. Yes. Life took your son. That's true. And you have the right to be unhappy, but you're never going to get out of unhappiness if you wait for life to bring him back or you wait for life to correct its action, okay? The only way you can come out of unhappiness is if you choose and say, okay, it's going to be a long journey. It's going to take a lot of time, okay? And I'm going to try and try and try, but I'll get there.

11:45And neuroplasticity proves that. Neuroplasticity basically tells you that if you just run a happiness kind of activity once a day, every day your brain will be better at it. and I mean please don't get me wrong but what do most of us do every day we watch negative news we swipe on toxic positivity and we're just drowning ourselves in negativity and then what happens what happens is we become really good at being negative we become really good at finding what's wrong with life become very good at you know getting pissed off with the prime minister right because it's an activity we do on daily basis so your brain goes like this must be important for her or him okay i'm just going to make sure i have the neurons aligned around that and so you're basically we're basically configuring our brains to be unhappy i have not watched a horror movie for 15 years really yeah you know what that means i have not had a nightmare for for 15 years not a single one okay i have not watched a violent movie unless really badly recommended to me because it has a good message in it and i watch michael mcintyre every every night before I sleep.

12:52I love Michael McIntyre. Who's going to get me to say hi to Michael McIntyre? But think about that practice. My brain before I go to sleep is laughing. It's laughing. That's a choice. That's a choice. And that is the kind of neuroplasticity that we need to shift. You know, if you go to the gym and lift weights every day, you're going to look like a triangle. If you squat every day, you're going to look like a pear. Okay. The same is happening inside your brain. You just don't see it. If you're constantly watching, you know, news media, right. You're literally building your muscles that are concerned and are, you know, critical and are worried about the world.

13:39When in reality, most of the time you can't do anything about it. Like, okay. So I'll give you a very strange example. When I was locked down, first lockdown, when I was in London. Second lockdown, I was in Canada. Okay. As the lockdown was approaching, I stopped watching news after April, 2020. Zero news. Okay. And by the time I was in Montreal, someone texted me and said, hey, by the way, did you know we're going to Code Red tomorrow? I said, yeah, what's Code Red? She said, all restaurants are closed. You wear a mask everywhere. I said, good. That's it. That's all the news I needed to know.

14:15Really. Okay. People would go like, no, how come? You need to know the numbers and the statistics and the death rate. No, I don't. Okay. Someone else is doing this. And by the way, if I know it and I don't like it and I don't believe in what they're doing, I'm going to be locked down anyway. So can I waste my time or actually utilize my time in building a podcast that becomes one of the top half percent of all podcasts globally? Isn't that a better use of my life than just watching the news and creating that illusion for myself that I can actually influence anything when in reality. So, you know, I normally advise people and say, look, if you've been following a certain topic for the last two months and have not been able to influence the decision on that topic for the last two months, you're useless.

15:02So stop watching that topic. Okay. And start choosing topics that you can champion. Okay. One or two, because you're human, you're not, you know, you're not Superman. Find one or two real, you know, purposes that you actually care about and try to learn enough about them, enough depth about them to influence them. That's the way to make the world better. That's the way to make your life better. And yeah, climate change is really something very important, but it's not on my agenda. I don't work on climate change. I work on happiness. That's my part of life. Okay. Someone else I trust will be working on climate change, which I believe is as important if not more important but it's not mine i don't need to watch everything about it okay and concern myself about it all the time i need to be updated i need to do my part by by really changing my habits as a human but that's it that's as far as i go there's something in there which is clearly a theme and i think three topics we've touched on the passing of your son you know you talked there about covid um and other elements which is this theme of like radical acceptance oh absolutely like instant radical acceptance oh absolutely i mean this is what i call the jada master level of happiness so there are three levels of happiness right uh the the you know if you um if you really think about it i call it the happiness flow chart events are gonna piss you off it's just the truth if you can manage to acknowledge your emotion and say oh my god i feel am i angry is this anger i mean is this is this what i'm feeling and then and then you take that feeling and you say to yourself, okay, interesting.

16:41I am angry. I need to do something about it. I will give you three steps. Okay. The beginner's level is ask yourself if what you're thinking is true. Your partner said something hurtful on Friday. Your thought is he or she doesn't love me anymore. Okay. Ask yourself if that thought is true. If it isn't, drop it. There is no point to be unhappy. If it is, then let's go to the black belt level of unhappiness, which is, can I do something about it? That's the second question. Is it true? It's question one. Can I do something about it? It's question two, right? And honestly, by the way, it doesn't take more than two seconds to feel the emotion.

17:20Ask yourself if it's true and then go to, can I do something about it? And if yes, then do it. What are you waiting for? Text him or text her and say, baby, can we please talk over dinner? What you said on Friday hurt me. Okay. Instead of just banging your head against the table, hoping that they will find out and come and say, oh, I'm so sorry. You know, I was teaching, this story really hurts me. I was teaching, you know, before lockdown, I taught a lot of people in workshops and seminars, more than 20 ,000 people. One day, one of them comes to me in the first break and says, what are you talking about?

17:55What do you mean happiness is a choice? You have no idea what happened to me, okay? And I said, okay. and she said when I was 17 she was 74 at the time can you believe that 57 years of holding on to one thought hitting her head against the wall right and I hugged her I hugged her I cried and I said did it work did all of that work or was the better thought okay it was horrible but can I do something about it? And that's question number two. That's black belt. Sometimes, however, there's nothing you can do about it. Whatever she experienced could be irreversible. What I have experienced, the loss of Ali, is irreversible.

18:40There's nothing you can do about it. And I'm not asking everyone to get there quickly. But the Jedi Master level of happiness is to say, okay, it happened and I have no choice to change it. There is nothing I can do to fix it. So can I accept it, but not surrender and lie down and die, accept it and then start to do something to make my life better despite its presence or maybe because of its presence. Can I accept that Ali died and start to spread his message so that my life and the life of others become better? Can I accept that I'm locked down and start my podcast so that I can use the time where I'm not traveling?

19:22can I do that I call that committed acceptance okay and it's very simple if you commit and accept to if you accept things you you can't change and commit to make your life better despite of or because of their presence nothing can beat you nothing can beat you and yeah does it is it horrible that I actually managed to move on and and you know not hit my head against the wall for 27 years does that say I don't love Ali what are you talking about I adore Ali I cry about missing him still today, right? It's not that, there is nothing to prove in that. What I can prove is I love him so much that I actually dedicate my life to spreading his message.

20:08That's so much better than sitting there and saying, ah, life hit me. I don't like life, right? Look, that's a six-year-old attitude, honestly, okay? Adults will say, okay, Okay, and especially business people. I mean, your audiences, the market changes all the time. Do you sit down and go like, I lost another deal? Or do you just get up and say, why did we lose this deal? What can we do about it? Right? And if there is something wrong with the product, can we change the product? Right? Well, you talked to there about business in particular. Rings very, very true because in business, and you've been a very successful entrepreneur yourself and worked with teams, you'll get people who are high in defaulting to logic in moments of chaos and also default to personal responsibility and those that don't yeah and the outcomes of both groups are quite predictable very different and actually this this approach of is it true uh can i do something about it can i accept it and and commit i learned that in business okay so i've spent most of my my career I was managing managers.

21:15And what do managers do? They open your door and they sit down and complain. Okay. And after a while, it becomes too much. So my attitude was very straightforward. I would give them 10 minutes to vent, then 10 minutes to ask them, is this true? Okay. Is there anything you're missing? Is the legal team also nice? Not just making your life miserable, right? Have you seen evidence that they've helped you before? So, you know, is it true? And then I go like, so now, great. Lost 10 minutes of the meeting. what are we going to do about it? Are we going to be able to improve it, fix it, or are we going to accept it and do something despite its presence?

21:51And it's a very simple business approach. Now, most of us do that in business, but when it comes to our personal life, we don't do that. And interestingly, most of us, by the way, who do that in business are very successful in business. And most of us who do that in life are very successful in life. It's not just happy. It It makes us successful because it doesn't waste our cycles on things that are not necessary. So if you can do it at work, do it at home, do it in your life, do it in your relationships. It's really a very straightforward flowchart.

22:28You know when you're in a meeting, taking notes, trying to focus, but your devices keep pinging notifications. For me, that's really annoying. And usually it makes your brain start to wander away and fall into distraction. This was happening to my producer, Jack. And we were chatting about it when I realized that I knew the exact product that would fix this problem for him. It's from our sponsor, Remarkable. Essentially, it's a paper tablet with no notifications, so it's far less distracting than most tablets. It's called the Remarkable Paper Pro Move, and it really does look, feel and sound the same as writing on paper, which is really nice if you spend a lot of time taking notes.

23:04But because it's digital, your handwritten notes can be converted into typed text, and then you can send it over email or Slack or just keep editing it within the app. All of their products have no blue light, which for someone who looks at screens as much as I do is something I really appreciate. Remarkable is offering a 50-day trial on their products for free. And at the end of that time, if it's not what you're looking for, you simply get all of your money back by sending it back. Give the present of being present. Find the perfect distraction-free paper tablet at remarkable.com.