Moment 155: The "Post Date 8" Questions You Need To Ask To Find 'The One' - Logan Ury

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0:33Some of the things that I used to go for when I was younger when I was looking for a perfect partner, I would be able to reel off things like I want this colour here and I want them to look like this and I want this, this, this, this. It was like a shopping list, like Apple's plums, everything was on there. As I got a little bit older and I did a little bit of hindsight research on what I was actually looking for, the list reduced that it became more about fundamental things. And I got down to these three things I thought you need in a partner to be happy. I'm going to run these things past you and get your thoughts.

1:06I believe you need a sexual connection, so I'll say sexual attraction. I believe you need an intellectual connection. And the last one is I felt that you need to mutually make each other better at what you do. And for me, that's like my mission doing this, or running businesses and for her, it could be she's a breathwork practitioner and whatever else. We make each other better, we're sexually attracted and we're intellectually stimulating of each other. I think those things are great. I don't think everyone should write them down as they're three things, but I think it works for you and I can tell you why.

1:42They are more about who the two of you are together than her qualities. So maybe your early list had this body type, this hair colour, this eye colour, this ethnicity, whatever it was. It was about the superficial qualities. And so there's actually a term for this in relationship science and we call it relation shopping. Shopping for a partner, like you shop for a pair of Bluetooth headphones. You log onto Amazon and you say, okay, I want ones that are this colour, this weight, this battery life, and then you start to think, oh, I can shop for a partner the same way. And it just doesn't work. What works is relation shipping, which is looking for a long -term partner and putting in the work to make that happen.

2:23So you want to move from relation shopping to relation shipping. But this is very common. People come to me, often these maximizers and they say, I know exactly what I want. Logan, I just need your help finding that person. So rarely does that ever work out. The person that ends up making them happy in the long term is very rarely who they thought they should be with. And so the truth is, you think you know what you want, but you're wrong. And the older you get and the more you think you figured it out, the more you're actually excluding really great partners because you think, oh, I want to find someone like myself or you think, well, if her parents are divorced and she probably doesn't know how to be in a great relationship, so I only will date people whose parents are together.

3:04You're making all of these assumptions that are wrong. The better attitude is to date like a scientist. I think I need to be with somebody who's this tall. I think I need to be with somebody whose parents are together. Well, date someone who's different from that and see if you could fall for them. And so when I'm working with someone in a coaching capacity and they say to me, Logan, I met this guy, but he's not my type in my head. I hear ding, ding, ding, because that's often them making a different choice that's going to lead to a different result. And those are way more often the relationships that work out.

3:34And so when people come to me with that checklist, I'm not saying, great, let's run a LinkedIn search to find that person. I'm like, let's do the work to help you actually figure out who will bring out the best side of you. And I can tell you all the research about what's correlated with long -term relationship success and what's not. But my favorite way of viewing it is who are you around that person? What side of you do they bring out? And so I have this list of questions called the post date eight. And there are eight questions to ask yourself after a date. The point of the post date eight is that when you go on a date with a checklist in your head, you're evaluating the person as if you're on a job interview.

4:15Are they good looking enough for me? Are they ambitious enough for me? Are they funny enough for me? You're evaluating. Instead with the post date eight, it's actually training you to tune into your experience. The experiential mindset, are we laughing together? Do I feel desired in their presence? Do they make me feel more energized or less energized? And finally, what side of me do they bring out? Because whoever that person brings out in you is who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship. And don't you want to be the happy, secure, desired, hilarious version of yourself? When do I find this post date eight picture in your book?

4:51I had it on my... There's something from my book that I liked it, but it's really blown up because I feel like people really use it. They take a picture of it on their phone. They take a screenshot from my Instagram and they ask themselves after the date. And it really changes the way they show up on the date. And it's also a great way to say, should I date this person again? Because my slogan, my motto, has become, fuck the spark. And the spark is this idea that we go after the all -encompassing initial chemistry, the fireworks, but the spark often leads to relationships that burn out. And instead, you should go after the slow burn.

5:23The person who's not initially as exciting, the secure person, who would make a great long -term partner. But to train yourself from looking for the spark, to looking for the slow burn, how do you do that? You need a new barometer. So with the post date eight, you ask yourself these questions after a date. And then you see, am I interested in them? Is my interest trending upwards after each date? And it's a way of training your brain away from the initial chemistry, maybe the anxious avoidant loop to a new way of dating. So the post date eight questions are all kind of sensible. Yeah, I'm pretty sensible.

5:59And I guess this is ranking them more on whether they are a secure person, and whether they are that kind of super spicy cayenne pepper, maybe a little bit abandoning, anxious type. Yeah, I think it's doing a few things. So one is, do you know the research on gratitude journals and why they work? No. So if you throughout the day have to look for three things to write in your journal that you're grateful for at the end of the day, you're training your brain to look for those things. Like, I almost missed my flight, but I made it. Maybe normally you wouldn't even think about that, but because you have to look for things to be grateful for, you make a little mental note, and then you feel more gratitude.

6:39The same thing works with the post date eight because I have to answer at the end of the date, what side of me did they bring out? How did I feel in my body? I'm paying attention to that after during the date. So it's overriding the checklist mindset. It's overriding the evaluative mindset. I'm not thinking, are you good enough for me? I'm thinking, what are we creating together? So it's really training me to be more mindful and really tuning into what it feels like to be around you. Because so often what happens with daters is they think he's from a good family, he has a great resume, he makes a bunch of money, we should work out.

7:10This should be a great relationship, he's good on paper. Well, when you're in person, he makes you feel like shit, he's rude to you, and he's inconsiderate. But you're so focused on his resume qualities that you don't think about it. With the post date eight, you'll be like, I felt very bad on that date, I shouldn't see him again. So it's taking what people are doing wrong and it's training them to focus on what really matters. What are some of the things that people think matter less than they actually do as it relates to finding someone falling in love and having a great relationship? So some things that people, they think are really important but are actually not important in reality.

7:43Yeah, so let's go through that. So here are some things that matter less than people think they do for long term relationship success. So the first one is looks. Of course, you should be attracted to the person, but the truth is that we have adaptation. We adapt to whatever is around us. So I like to joke that even the hottest person you know, there's somebody who's sick of sleeping with them. That's just the truth of the human brain is that we adapt to what's around us. And so obviously you should be attracted to the person, but I wouldn't optimize for the hottest person. The next one is similar, which is money.

8:16Obviously, money makes things easier. There's tons of research that when couples have enough money to outsource things like cooking and cleaning and child care, they have more time to connect. But the same thing is true with money. And there's this idea called the transition rule. So when you think about winning the lottery, what you imagine is going from your current salary to what you would have with the lottery and what that change would feel like. But over time, and we know this from the research, about a year after you win the lottery, you are about as happy as you were before because you've adapted to your new circumstances.

8:47And the same thing is true with people who become quadriplegics. If I say to you, how bad would it feel to become a quadriplegic? You think about the change and you think it would be extremely terrible. But what actually we find is that about a year after becoming a quadriplegic, somebody is the same happiness as they were before. And so the same thing is true with looks and money is that we adapt to our circumstances so don't over optimize for it. The next thing is having a similar personality or similar hobbies. It's fine if we have different hobbies. As long as you make me feel like I can explore mine without judging me for it.

9:22So interesting. Give me a my girlfriend or completely different. She is super spiritual. She believes things that are metaphysical and can't be proven. And I'm like science, science, science evidence. Right. And maybe at some point in your life, you thought, oh, we have to have the same interest. No, you probably both want to be curious and be respectful and you want to understand her breathwork stuff. It doesn't mean you need to share it. And with similar personalities, it's the same idea. I remember I was coaching this guy who had a huge larger than life personality, crazy nicknames, life of the party.

9:52And he wanted to find someone like that because he's like, well, she needs to party with me. I was like, dude, you are so much. Two of you in a relationship would be exhausting. Two of you at the same dinner party would be exhausting. I want you to find somebody who complements you. And so the woman he ended up with is very different from him. She's not at the party. She's at home, but she's the home base for him. And he is the energizing wild part of their relationship. And so it's not that people have to find their opposites. It's that you shouldn't focus on just finding your identical twin, your personality twin.