Moment 176: 5 RED FLAGS Of A Secret Narcissist: The Narcissism Doctor

0:02How do you know if you are a narcissist? like does a narcissist know they are one is there a narcissist test one can do i don't there's about five to six tests out there that are designed to detect narcissism in its various ways all of them have flaws like i said and it's not even fully the fault of the test because this is a very difficult thing to measure right we're at we're trying to measure things that are not socially desirable right that's really tough to measure so a lot of the narcissism tests will measure things like some entitlement, assertiveness, self-importance that people may not find as offensive.

0:43But the research actually shows that narcissistic people overestimate their empathy and underestimate their negative effect on other people. They do not have a clear look at themselves. They really have an almost deluded sense of who they are and how they go through the world. So when a person says to me, I think I'm narcissistic, I always say, hold the presses. You need to tell me a little bit about you. Because there's a lot of people out there who think of themselves as narcissistic because they're in relationships with narcissistic people who have told them over the years, you are such a selfish person because this unfortunate person is doing simple things like saying, hey, could we go where I want to go for dinner once?

1:28Or I want to talk about my feelings. and then their narcissistic partner saying, oh my gosh, you're so selfish. And they're really sort of indoctrinated into this idea or gaslighted into this idea that there's something narcissistic about them. Once we clear the decks of that, is there a subset of people out there who are narcissistic and are kind of in some awareness like this might be who I am? Yes. And we call them self-aware narcissistic people. They're out there. Some of them view narcissism as their superpower. They say like, don't take this away from me. This is why I've got the edge. This is why I closed the sale.

2:00This is why I'm the man. I had one client who was like, I'm the man. I'm like, oh my gosh. You sound like a six-year-old, but okay. Do people, men come to you, women come to you and say, I am a narcissist? Yes, I've had that happen. It's not common. I can count on one hand the number of times it's happened. And did you agree with them? In about an hour, yeah. What were they, how did they figure out they were a narcissist? What were they saying? They might have read my books or more likely saw a YouTube video. They might have, again, seen my content. Someone might have said that to them, and then they looked it up on Google, and they're like, that is kind of me.

2:34But they did, in many ways, rationalize it, saying, this is why I always close the deal. This is who I am. What was it? Don't hate the player, hate the game. They would try that kind of stuff with me. And I'd say, but your behavior is offensive. This is not okay. What you're doing, what you're doing on an ongoing basis to your spouse or partner is not okay. And so they would have that awareness, like almost like from a checklist. Yeah. Like, yeah, I don't care that much about people's feelings. And yeah, I guess I kind of think the rules don't apply to me. They'll have that awareness. It's pretty uncommon.

3:06Like I said, most narcissistic people veer into this idea of they overestimate their goodness and generosity, underestimate how negatively they're viewed by other people. so let's talk then about the impacts of narcissism on relationships in particular what kind of people do narcissists attract in relationships and what kind of people are attracted to narcissists so it's such a good question i'm so glad you asked it what kind of people do they attract everyone's attracted to narcissistic people they're charming they're charismatic they're confident they're in research has shown they're often rated as more attractive than other people.

3:46They take good care of their bodies. They know lots of interesting things. They're so concerned about hip cred that they are like, they know the cool restaurants. All of us have been indoctrinated to think that these are the people we're supposed to be dating, right? Who says no to charm, charisma, and attractiveness? Me, maybe, but just nobody else would do that. So we're all attracted to them, right? And even with the vulnerable narcissistic folks, you'll say, really? Someone's going to be attracted to sullen and resentful? Well, that's not how they come off when you first meet them. Many times a vulnerable narcissistic person looks like a vulnerable child who needs to be rescued.

4:24So if you like rescuing people or puppies or any small vulnerable creature, that's going to seem actually very attractive to you. So we're all attracted to them. What are they attracted to in us? What they're attracted to in us is our supply. Now, supply can mean different things to different narcissistic folks. Classical sorts of supply are, are we attractive? If we're attractive, if we have some form of social status, if we have resource, if we have connections, the things that would get them supply. Here's where it gets wonky. Because the question, attractiveness is what attracts people. It's almost the wrong question.

5:02The more deep question is what gets people stuck in narcissistic relationships? Because narcissistic relationships start strong. These are people who are running their fastest miles in the beginning of the marathon. Like they're just like, go. And this is, these can often feel like a fairy tale. It is, it's glamorous and it's exciting. And it's, the dates are really interesting and they're very attuned. They may be very attentive. They focus on you and they figure what's going to work for you. If they really want to keep you close, it's, they want to, they want to get you and they want to get you quick.

5:36Cause then you're like a butterfly under glass. Then they've got you captured. Because after all this good stuff happens, you've bought in. You might even be dubious for a while saying, oh, this seems too good to be true or I don't know. But then people, after about, I always say it's somewhere between six weeks and six months, the devaluing stage starts. And then they've got you, right? And you might get the passive aggressive digs, the minimizations, the lack of empathy, the withdrawing, the withholding. And people will say, where did that first six weeks go to? Like, wait a minute, we had such a good time.

6:12And as the devaluing begins, people start to blame themselves. So people who are more empathic, more forgiving, more optimistic, these are the kinds of people who get stuck because they're making allowances for this. They're saying, I mean, I can't, they were lovely. And they did say they're having a really stressful time at work, but their behavior is consistently dismissive and rude. and so you keep making excuses excuses excuses but then there's a few good days sprinkled in there so one of the interesting things is um a lot of people are trying to figure out if their partners are narcissists do people in relationships especially long-term relationships tend to know that they're dating a narcissist or is the or is the narcissist gaslighted them to the point that they they don't know until recently most people did not know because it feels like a disloyal thing to know about your partner.

7:05Many people say, I love my partner. We have built a life together. There are enough good days that leave them thinking like, there's something here. They're confused. People in these relationships are confused. They blame themselves for everything that goes wrong. They're walking on eggshells. They've in essence modified themselves to be exactly what the narcissistic partner wants. But it's a slow burn. It's a very slow process of indoctrination. I always say these relationships are death by a thousand cuts because it's just, each of these things happen slowly over time. It's almost as a one day you wake up, you're like, who am I?

7:39What have I become? I'm literally living in service to this other person. It's only in the last 10 years, I'd say, that there's so much more content and the internet is more robust with making this. And I'm sure people type it in. My partner has no empathy and is really entitled and yells at me a lot, bing, and the narcissism pops out at you. I think this really created the revolution of people saying, what is this? And even when I wrote, should I stay or should I go? That was 2015, I think it was. We're still in the beginning phases. There were just maybe about a dozen books out there taking this on.

8:12And so as more information gets out there, more people are clear that this is happening in their relationships. The hope is the earlier you identify it, the less indoctrinated, the less what we call trauma bonded you become. And then the easier it would be to make clear headed decisions about how you want to proceed. You talk about the three R's that are the hallmarks of negative relationships in your books. What are the three R's? So the first is rumination. Okay. That the rumination is, it's an obsessive thinking about the relationship. And it's usually in an attempt to either say, what did I do wrong?

8:48what happened what is going on it's a trying to fix it so these are the three things that someone that's in a relationship with a narcissist will do yep i mean they do a lot more but these are three common ones so the rumination is a hallmark characteristic of a person in a narcissistic relationship in essence you're just trying to make sense of something that makes no sense the next r is regret and that regret links to bigger themes like grief people having regret that this is the parent I have and I will never have a close loving relationship with them. The regret that this is the marriage I created and my children will never get a healthy model of marriage.

9:26The regret that I've spent 20 years in this relationship and really all I have to show for it is a whole lot of nothing except that it's harmed me. So the regrets play out even big ways and even small ways. Like, why did I say that? Why didn't I say it that way? And then the last R is, it's really euphoric recall, the R being for recall. By euphoric recall, I mean that people in narcissistic relationships have an uncanny ability to sort of cherry pick the good things that happen in the relationship to keep rationalizing it and justifying it to themselves. So they might be in a narcissistic relationship where the person has really treated them heinously for a month.

10:04But on one day of that month, the narcissistic person, when they went to the grocery store for the first time, remember to bring home two muffins so that you could have a muffin. And the person was like, they brought me home the best blueberry muffin. Wasn't that thoughtful? They brought me home a muffin. We had muffins together. So the euphoric recall is the over-focus on those good experiences as a way, in essence, to create this sort of psychological buy-in so then you can maintain the status quo. For people in narcissistic relationships, relationships it's not as though they're waking up saying this is a hellscape I want to get out they're getting up saying I'm so confused I feel like I'm never enough nothing I do is ever enough nothing I say is they're not listening to me what is going on maybe I'm not being clear enough maybe there's something wrong with me so that's the confusion element so it's not like everyone's saying I want to get out of this there's a lot of history there's a lot of experiences together so people again and they're also confused because there's good things that happen and bad things that happen and that's what creates like i said this thing called the trauma bonded relationship so people might even be able to say like there's something about this that isn't okay and might even be able to articulate these are the problems in the relationship but the idea of leaving this relationship fills me with an absolute sense of panic would a narcissist play to that insecurity and that history?

11:30Well, the narcissistic person created the insecurity and they will because the narcissistic person is an expert tactician, right? Because that's what they bring to relationships is tactics. And so they are very expert at knowing like, ah, you're ruined as abandonment, piece of cake. So if you say, I can't do this anymore, I'm out, the narcissistic partner must say, okay, cool, let's call it a quiz. And I'll be like, that's not what I wanted them to say. I wanted them to say they were gonna fight for the relationship. You see what I'm saying? It's so interesting. And part of the reason narcissistic people are so successful is because they're so socially perceptive.

12:05They have no empathy. Social perceptiveness and empathy are not the same thing. Social perceptiveness is kind of being aware of reading the room, understanding what people need, understanding what makes them tick and what they want, and then strategically giving it to them to keep them on the chain or keep them in the position you need them in. That's not empathic. Can you cure narcissism in your opinion? No, I don't because I think that would imply changing a personality, which I don't think we can do. Is there any evidence, have you ever seen in your 20 years of working with narcissists and their survivors, any sign of a narcissist becoming a not narcissist or a non-narcissist?

12:50I've not seen them become a not narcissist. I've seen them make micro changes because I measure and monitor and make my notes in therapy. So I'll see, interesting, they're no longer trying to mess with coming in 10 minutes later and asking me to keep them for the whole hour. They are honoring the therapeutic frame. They're paying the bill when they decide not to show up at the last minute. I'll see tiny tweaks. I'll see people who'll come in and say, I screamed at my girlfriend again last night and that wasn't cool. So I was like, oh, that's insight. Like I'll run with it. But here's the rub. Okay.

13:25These micro changes and they are micro changes, but they are changes and they're in the right direction. That much water under the bridge for the family members and partners and other people that have been harmed. They're saying, you want me to stay in this relationship because this dude remembered to say thank you once this week? I think not. To me, the thank you is progress. To the people in their lives who've been harmed, that one thank you is not going to be enough. �