Moment 204: How To ALWAYS Have Great Sex: The Orgasm Queen, Susan Bratton

0:00What is step one? Yeah, step one is often just holding each other. One of the techniques, I have these two techniques that come from one of my books. One of my most popular books is a book called Sexual Soulmates. Because sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you. You co -create your connection with your partner. And even if you've lost that connection, you can have many renaissance in your relationship throughout the years. You can come back together and it can be better than ever again. And there are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation. One of them is called the Sexual Soulmate Packed.

0:43And that pack does an agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you. And you're going to be happy I told you. And you're not going to take it as criticism or you did anything wrong. You're going to be hungry for me to tell you what I have an appetite for, what I want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat? Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do you need to pet me? Do you need to let me release and calm down and get some things off my chest? Do you just need to provide that holding? Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to ravish me? Do I want to be poundstained? Do you want I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off and tell me how gorgeous I am and eat me up?

1:32We want those things in that range all the time. But what couples forget is to start with holding and being held. Because when we do that, we generate oxytocin. And the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to all the cortisol we're pumping out constantly with the kids in the school and the stress and the job and the politics and the, you know, at all this crazy stuff. We need to be held and to hold. So step one, then, is have the conversation and step two is to just hold, essentially, hold each other. You don't even need to have a conversation. You can just go crawl into your partner's arms and say, and this is something that I love to teach men.

2:16I love to teach men how to run a woman and a menu of small offers. So the problem is that they're both feeling, Eliza and her husband are likely both. They're dissatisfied. They feel disconnected. They're not speaking about it. They're not speaking about it. And she feels like we should be having sex, but we're not, right? It's the should I should be having sex. What a sex intercourse. Well, she's not turned on. She hasn't had sex in God knows how long. She's not ready to be penetrated. She needs to get warmed up. You know, it's very, very slow, the female arousal system. And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when it's been a long time between love making sessions to get out of your head into your body, calmed down.

3:07Because arousal, it's not, I'm going to push your buttons and I'm going to spin your dials, which is what guys try to do. They're like, I've got to go. I've got to give her an orgasm. Let's go. I'm full speed ahead. Where in reality it's, oh, I need a holder. I need to grab her up in my big muscley arms and I need to just let her calm down and relax. Remember what she loved about you and how much she loves you and how good you smell now. Good you feel and how safe she feels right in this moment. You use the word should. Should is such a... What did I say? Gross. But when you were saying we should be having...

3:48Right. How often, how much harm do you think should does? As in, when I say should, I really mean it's a social comparison. It's like an external comparison. I've watched this movie, I've seen it in all my relationships. I've seen... Guilt, guilt, guilt. Yeah, like the comparison to other people. It can do so much harm. I think in my current relationship, we've basically banned comparison. So we've banned each other speaking about our and Met needs through the lens of other people or our past relationships. Good. And I think it really helps. Yeah. I do too. I think that if Eliza stopped feeling guilty and said, okay, I'm just going to start small.

4:37And if her husband, if she said you were husband, I just want to start small again. I just want to... Let's crawl and then walk and then run back to lovemaking when we can. Let's acknowledge that we're in the time of our relationship when the kids make it really hard. Let's acknowledge that we want to have more intimacy together. And let's start with small offers. And then if he starts saying to her, how about Thursday night, I bring home some Chinese. We get the kids in the bath, we get them in bed, we divide and conquer, we put them down, I'll go in, take a quick shower, I'll set up the bedroom, I'll set up the nest, I'll light a candle, I'll lay out some fresh towels, I'll get your favorite lube.

5:21I'll put on the sexy playlist that you like. And all I want you to do is relax. There's no pressure to do anything. I won't be mad if we don't have intercourse. What I'm going to do is I'm going to hold you. I'm going to get my hands on you. I'm going to rub whatever hurts. I'm going to tell you how much I love you. I'm going to snuggle you. I might kiss you if you want to kiss me. We'll see how it goes. No pressure. Why? Why an impression? Because if she has pressure, then she's going to feel stressed. And if she feels stressed, she can't get into a rousal. As soon as you take the pressure off and let her just see what happens, then her body will go into a rousal and connection and feel safe and relaxed.

6:13And she'll start to let down and get that turn on going. I guess the starting point then, as you said, is the communication part, right? Because that you can't even get to that point if you're in a situation. I've been in that situation once in my sexual history where it was so awkward that it just gets... the awkwardness just compounds. Well, you're not even speaking about something. Yeah. And so you're getting in bed, you just go like laying in silence. Oh, my God, he's thinking about it. And I'm thinking about it. Right. I hope you don't. She's thinking about it. I mean, I hope he doesn't ask that and I'll pretend to sleep.

6:46And all of that stuff, I've been there. Yeah. And really what broke it was the two things you said. The first thing was you've got to talk about it. And the second thing was removing the pressure. Right. And the blame. Yeah. And the judgment. And if you can get there, and I think much of the reason my people don't want to talk about it sometimes is because they might have a little bit of a risk that if they're honest about how they're feeling, then the other person might leave or they might be mad or they might not hang around long enough for you to fix it together. And also you don't know how to fix it.

7:18So it's difficult sometimes in life to say, I've got a problem, but I have no idea what the solution is. You know? Yeah. This is one of the reasons that I like erotic play dates so much. What's that? Erotic play dates are, so, art, I've written hundreds of sex techniques. I've written dozens of communication skills. And what people really want, they don't necessarily just want a technique or skill. They just want to have fun. They want erotic adventure. I just want to have fun having sex with you. I don't want it to be like, I'm going to be finding your, you know, dream spot or whatever. Like that's fun.

8:00That's fun. That could be one of the things you want to do. That could be one of your erotic play dates. It's like, let's find our G -spot. Let's try this sex toy. Let's do a lingerie photo shoot. Let's have sex on the dining room table when the kids are away. Let's do whatever. When you start to think about your sexuality not as, oh, we have to grab a boob and stick it in. We have to have intercourse. And when you move away from that and you take the pressure off, you have a lot more intercourse. Because you have, you start having fun. You start trying things. And when you try things, you have new relationship energy.

8:37Sex is an equation. It is two things. Good sex is half of it is safety and security. I trust this person. They're not going to give me STIs. They're going to be fun. I like them. They smell good. They taste good. They're going to be good to have sex with. But if you just have that, you know, it's like that's the death now for your sex life is when it's just safe. Boring. Sounds so boring. So variety, novelty, erotic adventures, erotic play dates, learning new things together. When you have this seat, this foundation of trust and safety, and good communication, I can say anything I want to you.

9:34And you're going to love me and you're going to appreciate that I'm telling you what I need all the time. When you have that, and then you add all the novelty. Oh, did you hear about that heated sex toy or that one that blows up in your vagina and inflates? What's that like? Oh, let's find your peace spotter. Let's try this penis ring or whatever it might be. When she starts doing those things, then not only that, but you have something to look forward to. You're like, okay. So one of the things that I like to offer people is understanding what's on your sex life bucket list. So what I did was I took 48 of my best sexy ideas, and I made a sex life bucket list with all 48 of them.

10:17And then it's basically this little printout here. I'll just give you one. For me? Yeah. Well, for Tim. Well, this is for you. So what's interesting about the sex life bucket list is that I give you a video and I give you a printout. And if you both do the printout and you watch the video and you go through, and I tell you what all 48 ideas are. And then when you do that, you go, okay, well, these are my A's. I definitely want to do a lingerie photo shoot with you. My B's are, I mean, I'd find your peace spot with you, and I'm happy to do it, but it wouldn't be like on my A list. Peace. And your prostate, your peace spot.

10:56Is that your bum? Yeah, up your bum. Okay. And C's are, it's not for me right now. Never say never, because as you mature, if you think about your sexual development, like your personal development, it's just one more thing you're learning. You get better and better and you increment your skills. And so what you used to look at and go, why would anybody want to be speced? Now you're like, oh my god, I want to be spec'd.

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