Most Replayed Moment: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality! How To Rewrite Limiting Beliefs

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0:34I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs. And I actually wrote about this in my book recently. And I feel like you're the person to ask this question, because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs that we have about the world, ourselves and everything in between. But can we choose them?

0:51Marisa Peer:I think so. You know, when I was here last time, you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot. It wasn't awful. But also it wasn't amazing. But the beliefs I had then are so totally different to the beliefs I have now because I chose to give myself better beliefs. Because, you know, you make your beliefs. And then your beliefs turn and write around and make you. And then confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen to believe. And you'll find it. So if you say, oh, I hate cats. They're vicious things that scratch you. They're really aloof. Or I don't like dogs.

1:22Marisa Peer:They're barky, yappy, horrible things. then if you believe that about a dog and you meet a dog you'll feel so anxious that that will become true but if you say oh I love dogs they're the most loyal gorgeous loving things then you'll have a different energy around them so you should choose your beliefs you should constantly upgrade update question your belief where did I get that from is that true who told me that belief and even if it's true for them does it have to be true for me you know I see a lot of women who say things like, well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy because 100 years ago, that was probably true.

1:56Marisa Peer:Men didn't go for rich, successful women because they wanted them at home. But it's not true now. So your grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughter's generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language, but I think it's so refreshing. So you can always choose your beliefs and you really should constantly check why do I even believe that is it even true because so often it's not true at all it's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it anyway so in the case of cats then you know I like all animals but cats I do think you know the way you described them then a little bit scratchy yes sometimes a little bit you know annoying not as loving as dogs maybe I'm gonna annoy a lot of cat people here um if that is my belief if I say to myself okay you know cats are wonderful they're lovely you know they're fantastic they don't scratch etc i feel like i'm just lying to myself and i you know this is the case with self-belief as well i could i could say that yeah i'm amazing and attractive and all these things but in my subconscious mind after getting i don't know bullied at seven years old by a kid that called me fat and whatever else am i just not lying to myself well i think you should lie to yourself i think you should lie to yourself i think you should lie, cheat and steal every day of your life.

3:12Marisa Peer:Lie to your mind, cheat fear and steal back the confidence you were born with. So let's imagine you're going for an exam. You go, I'm going to fail it. I'm going to mess it up. I've got a terrible memory. I know when I read that paper, my mind's going to go blank and I'm going to blow it. So that's a belief. But you could also say, I've got a great memory. Everything I studied for this exam is in my head. When I read the paper, the questions are going to come up and I'm going to remember the answers and I'm super chilled at exams. I'm cool, calm, collected. I'm going to ace this exam. So if you repeat that over and over again, you see the subconscious doesn't think it just feels.

3:49Marisa Peer:And if you say, I'm nervous, I'm so nervous. And the subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down while the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties. It's like if you're crossing a road in a car, can you just think, should I go left, right, forwards, backwards? You just move because in fear, you don't think you move. So when you're scared, your mind empties. I remember years ago, I was coming home and this guy was following me and I knew he was following me. I knew I had minutes to get in my door and I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which way to, I'm like, oh my God, I have all the times to forget how this key works.

4:22Marisa Peer:I lived here for five years, but I was so scared. I couldn't remember how to open my door at all because when you're scared, your brain empties. And so if you go into an exam going, I'm scared, I'm nervous, you won't do it. But if you say, I've got a great memory, I love exams, I'm excited about this exam, I'm so excited, I'm going to be assessed, I'm going to do really well, or I'm going to do this assessment, I'm going to ace it. This person's going to love me and see that I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know what I'm talking about. The mind doesn't go, oh, come on, that's silly.

4:54Marisa Peer:The mind goes, okay. Whatever you say, you make it real. your mind's job is to make your thoughts real the subconscious doesn't think it only feels and if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real and your job is to think better thoughts all the time so imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm you go oh that's going to hurt and that's going to be so painful you could I always read my phone and if you cough just as the needle goes in it confuses your mind and you don't feel it is that lying or is it just taking your mind somewhere else that's the because i i think if i can choose my beliefs then i can un-choose beliefs but i couldn't think of a single belief i have now that i could genuinely un-choose i can say it yes but i think i'd still believe it yeah but the thing with the mind is there's a couple of rules of the mind one is let me give you a couple that will help you every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real every thought you think has a physical reaction and indeed an emotional response.

5:58Marisa Peer:And here's another one, the mind learns by repetition. So when you think a thought a lot over and over again, it becomes real even if it's not real. So if you think a thought, my neighbor's driving me crazy, they're so noisy, I can never sleep, I can hear their television, they're getting on my nerves, it'll become your reality. If you say, it's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on, I can tune out, then you'll have a different reaction to the same event. You know, we don't have to change events. We have to change how we think about the events. It's like saying, oh, this commute to work is killing me.

6:37Marisa Peer:You know, being on this freeway is driving me crazy. But someone else would go, wow, I'd love to be on. You've got a car and you're going to a job when you're getting paid that's my fantasy dream come true don't have to change a thing you have to change how you think about the thing so that is changing your beliefs and a belief is really just the thought you think a lot so you're born as a blank slate where did you get those thoughts from who gave them to you so the beliefs you think you can't change where do they come from let's do that now where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from so i think one of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself yes which I think goes back a long as long as I can remember to be honest is that I am fundamentally unorganized unorganized okay I think people would be surprised to hear that because I'm very I'd say productive my output is high but the organization of my stuff even if you looked in my bag it would be like a jumble sale my house as well if I didn't have a cleaning I think it would be you know it'll be like a bomb had gone off in there I heard you saying actually on a podcast that when you go your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you but not enough to make you change it you've been listening i have no you're right i think this there's a habit or something that i've built into myself where i think i've told myself it's faster to be messy yes and but then the the dissonance or the the issue that i take with it is that's not who i want to be i want to be a messy person i want to be someone who comes into the hotel room goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up so that tomorrow is easier what happens is I dive into the suitcase pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym and it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone well that's just who I am I'm just a messy person and I think we all label ourselves and of course when you do that now you're making it really say you know I can't spell but my dad couldn't spell and now it's genetic so every time you say I'm just a messy person the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you.

8:42Marisa Peer:So if you start by changing that and saying, I love being organized, it gives me such joy to be organized. I love putting, so when you say it, say it, say it, it will start to change. So for the last three weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym. And I started to love working out with really, really heavy weights because, you know, I got run over and I started to get muscle weightage in my leg I was going I love heavy heavy weights I love it and I was really a Pilates yoga person but for the last three weeks I get up and I'm in the gym at half seven going well I love heavy weights and I didn't like it before but I decided to say it over and over again because when you say state and affirm something your mind must make it real so all you have to do really is to start saying a lot I love being organized it gives me immense joy to I put stuff away.

9:30Marisa Peer:I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel. And sure, I run to the, when I come back, I put my gym kit in a particular place. And I love that feeling of being super organized. And very quickly, it will start to change because you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real. So interesting. But it's also true. You know, you think a thought and your mind can't help it. It has to make, you know, we did that thing with a lemon, didn't we? where you think you're eating a lemon. Have we ever done that? What's that? Well, let's do it now. So put your hand in front of your mouth.

10:04Marisa Peer:Yeah. Imagine you're holding half of a great big fat juicy lemon. Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose and breathe in that amazing lemon smell because nothing really smells quite like a lemon. Now squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops pucker onto the surface. Stick out your tongue. Lick off the lemon. Open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth. And I want you to start sucking and biting and chewing all the flesh. Literally bite into that lemon until the lemon drops, burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon.

10:48Marisa Peer:Swirl that lemon all around your mouth. Keep eating the lemon. Suck it, chew it, swirl it around. and then open your eyes. Did you start pumping out saliva? Yes, I did. And so here's a question. Was there a lemon? No, there was no lemon. That's true. There was no lemon. But you could also say yes, which is also true. They're both true. No, there wasn't. But yes, there actually was. Where was it? Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva? In my head. In your head. Yeah, it wasn't anywhere else. It was in your head. Just do another one. Put your right arm out towards me and just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go and have a look at where it's gone.

11:26Marisa Peer:Just look behind you to notice where it is. Bring it back. I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf. I want you to imagine, close your eyes and tell your mind, my arm's going to go a third further. I'm now like a Bendy, Barbie and Ken doll. My arm is so flexible. It's going further. I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible like cooked pasta. open your eyes put your arm out and say to your arm you're going a third further now you're like a pretzel you're super flexible go a third further swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further now look at how far it's gone you were only up to the third book before so what happened then um i just believed my arm was going to go further and it did yeah and you You see, and for men, I get men who say, you know, I can't please my wife.

12:23Marisa Peer:I can't get an erection. I can't keep it going. And she's going to leave me. And if I tell them other things, you know, you're a great lover. You can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes. The average is about four and a half minutes. That starts to happen. They don't do anything else except listen to a recording that says you have longer erections. You can have a great sex life. You can wait until your partner orgasms. And it all becomes true because every time they say, but I can't do it. it's all over in a minute I can't please her or him they actually make that real but when you just change a thought you know there's a song called love changes everything by Climby Fisher but actually thoughts change everything when you think a thought it's such a game changer erections yes it's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends we've spoken about sex life libido erections of course yeah um we've all struggled in different ways at different times with this and it it's one of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution yeah because again if a man thinks about sex looks at pictures looks at a movie and gets aroused you get a very physical reaction straight away even if there's no one in the room with you.

13:47Marisa Peer:So that's a classic example of thinking a thought about being aroused, turned on, feeling sexually attracted, and your body makes it really, even if there's no one there, and it can be, at a wedding, can be an event, it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place, but if you think a thought, I'm turned on here, the body makes it, it does it for women too, but it's not so obvious for us, we can kind of hide it. But yes, it's a thought I can't do it I can I'm gonna fail I'm gonna succeed I also think I just learned that I was at a very young age that I think maybe that I learned that I was unlovable at some some level because I think think about being a black kid in an all-white area where your house is like dilapidated I think that's the right word where you can't never brought anyone home never brought a girl home in the 16 odd years that I lived in Plymouth never brought anyone home no one knew where i lived i had this like constant shame yeah shame and i showed up as if i was a confident kid like you know it was an act it was an act yeah and you went home feeling a scent you see one of the i taught 16 000 therapists all over the world and i teach them there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door only three things and one of them is i'm different so i can't connect the next one is i want something it's not available to me and the Third one is I'm not enough.

15:05Marisa Peer:There's a lot of versions. I'm not smart enough, good enough. But when you talk about that little boy who was a black kid in a white world living in a shambolic house, never bringing people home, straight away you're saying I was different. And if I'm different, I can't connect because we connect by being the same. I like Postman Pat, so do I. I like Pastor, so do I. I like Barbie, so do I. Oh, you're my friend. But when you're different, you can't connect. so you first had that first thing I'm different so I can't connect what I want being the same as all the other kids is not available to me and if you think you're unlovable then you have to think you're not enough but of course that's what you felt the truth is you're deeply lovable just the way you are but it's very hard when you don't feel it so when you you know your feelings the most real thing you have and we're always trying to use logic but logic doesn't work because in a battle between emotion and logic emotion wins every single time so the emotion of being this kid who felt different not enough not the same you can't logic that better yes you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire you remember john lennon said the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside and so you're trying to fake it till you make it but then you just end up feeling like a big fake you have to go back and look at okay I felt different but here's an interesting thing if our greatest fear is to feel different it must be none the same as everyone because that's our greatest fear to be different we used to be cast out for being different banished for being different but actually if you fear being different I really that means you're the same as everyone because you've got the same fears and what wasn't available now you've made it available many years ago and you're deeply level and more than enough so you have to kind of go back and look at that old scene to go but that's not me anymore of course it's not me so just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do as we're so busy looking for how it is us you know here's a rule of the mind whatever you look for you will find whatever you focus on you get more so when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you then you'll find it And interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house.

17:23Marisa Peer:And that's why it bothers you, not because it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house. Now you come out and think, oh, look at this room. I've recreated the same. Instead of saying, actually, I'm in a five-star hotel. There's a maid next door. It's a little bit messy. It's not shambolic. But you see what your brain is looking for is what's the same. And it will always find it. But if you look for what's different, you'll find that too. so when you have a brilliant brain which we all have and you definitely have instead you've got to talk yourself out of it not into it you're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as a messy home and it bothers you greatly because it feels out of your control which it was when you're a kid living in that house don't talk yourself talk yourself out of it oh yeah I have greater mess but hey I'm a super successful guy I'm busy someone's going to come in and clean all of this up and it's not the same it's vastly different but our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar after all you know if you were two-year-old kid living in the prairie you wanted out on the prairie you'd only eat the berries you already knew you wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar because it would have killed you so our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar back to what is known back to what is comfortable i wasn't sure whether that I'm messy because it reminds me of home.

18:42So a messy room makes me feel more comfortable. Or if it's the opposite, like, you know, I've never been sure which one it is.

18:49Marisa Peer:Well, it's just, I think because you lived in a messy home, it was familiar, it was easy. No one said tidy up, put that away. So if you were in the army, for instance, you'd say, oh no, I make my bed. And because you learned a certain way, but you learned the opposite, just everything's in a mess. So the two things that you learned is familiar, but also it's deeply disappointing because it makes you feel, oh, God, there's a mess again and I can't fix it, when the truth is you've always got a choice. The worst thing is I can't change it and I can't accept it. I can't change it, I can't accept it.

19:20Marisa Peer:I can't change a mess, I can't. Okay, I can accept it. Let's go, hey, I'm messy and I love it like an artist. Or you can say, I can change it. But it's like I can't change it and I can't accept it. Accept it. My daughter loves living in a mess because she's an artist. She doesn't even see it. Or you can say, I can change it by changing everything. Just say, I love putting stuff away. It makes me feel powerful. And if you say it enough, it will become real because your words create your reality. If you don't like your reality, you don't have to change your words. You have to change the way you're speaking, which immediately changes your reality, which is completely shaped by your words.

19:57What you just listened to was a most replayed moment from a previous episode. If you want to listen to that full episode, I've linked it down below. Check the description. Thank you.

20:34a deep breath. No, I'm good. So good. Get a commercial auto insurance quote today at geico.com and see how much you could save. It feels good to Geico.