Shocking TRUE Story: “I Lost Both Of My Legs Because Of A Tampon” (Health Warning) - Lauren Wasser

27:57Because the infection spread from the right leg up around the body so it was like cruising up my right leg but it's somewhat was starting in my left foot to so my my toes and my heel were really badly severely damaged so from that but then I had my whole left. Leg but on my right side it was like slowly creeping to I was turning purpleish pink and yeah they were like this is going to move quick and it's going to move to your heart and you're going to be dead so. I really didn't have an I didn't have an option I don't to say that to you with your mother there. And they were like you have a 50 50 chance of ever walking again as far as keeping my left side because my toes would need to be amputated my heel needed to be debris and knowing this now but like your heel is probably the most important part of your entire body because there's nothing on this planet that is.

28:50Able to take the beating that it takes on a daily basis whether it's standing running the pressure anything that fat or that specific skin you can't buy that on the market there's nothing on the planet that can you know you can just grow it back or replace it or you know do a transplant or something of that sort doesn't exist. So that was a huge concern for the doctors and as far as like me being able to go back to normal life and being able to just walk normally even if I didn't have toes which is people can do but the heel was a huge like concern for theirs and me personally I was like and God rest my Godfather I wish I would have listened to him and he was like you should probably just do both and move on with your life and just kind of like you know just keep.

29:41I was just chucking but like I couldn't even fathom what that looked like I was like there's no way there's no way I was like I have to do this slowly I have to like maybe just do the one and then see what happens but like there was no way I could go in there definitively and be like just take them. So when it becomes clear that that's the path forward what's your initial response to the doctors when they come with the definitive answer that this is the path we have to take how do you receive that how does your mom receive that. Oh I was just like just obviously just a nightmare like crying screaming freaking out you know especially when I'm presented with the papers to have you know them do the procedure to take my life.

30:30I mean I take my legs and and it felt like my life because that's all I knew of like being an athlete you know being a model looking a certain way everything I knew about myself was completely just out the door I mean I was 200 pounds my head was shaved because my hair got matted because they were trying to save my life and obviously no one gives a shit about your hair when you're dying. And you know here I am in a hospital room and being told that you know I'm going to enter this operating room and come out a completely different person and losing a part of myself. It was just it was so surreal and so scary and you know then I had like people coming in with prosthetics and like showing me how they're how they live their lives and you know my god my grandpa is from the army so he was like you know you're just like these guys are going to blown up and and at that time I was so like depressed and it was such a dark time that I was like I'm not I didn't sign up for this this is not what I asked for like I didn't sign something saying okay these are the possibilities I could die I could lose limbs I was like this is this shouldn't have ever ever get back I can never grow it back I can't go to a surgeon to get it like this is this is going to change my life forever.

31:57And you have to sign that paper and I had and I had no choice because otherwise again it was my life was was my leg. Did you consider not signing it? No I wasn't so much pain I wasn't so much pain I can't even tell you like I don't even know how I made it. Like of course like I was drugged up so much and and think that was how obviously I got through it but just to have to actually process what was about to happen I don't think I fully that we gathered until I got down and they were like I signed the papers and they're like all right today's surgery day and like wheeling me out of my room. Down to the floor and like me holding like a stuffed animal and just screaming and crying and like feeling like I'm doomed.

32:45You know and then my mom is like freaking out and everyone's crying and then they write on your legs like yes and no. So like them writing yes and black marker on my leg that I knew that was going to go and then you know seeing it on my left leg of amputating my toes. And to bring my heel it was you know it was a lot I don't even think I really processed that and then when they're wheeling me away just screamed for my mom to like not let them take me and that was yeah.

33:22You're mother during this period she's watching her daughter be wheeled away she's 24 years old you've built a life on modeling and athletics she's watching you be wheeled away to have an amputation that day what's what's her state of mind what's her sort of visible. State broken completely broken completely shattered completely just. Couldn't believe that that was even what was happening and it all happened so fast because obviously you know it's it's my livelihood it's it's am I going to survive this let alone. Do I have time to make a decision based on am I wanting to keep my leg or not it wasn't even an option.

34:01It was chaos it was complete chaos. What did she say to you before you get wheeled into the operating room. I love you and she I just remember her like grabbing herself because she was like obviously screaming crying but like trying to like not hide it from me but like she couldn't even look at me being wheeled back because she knew. You know it was like she just had to like turn and just like cry and scream and hold it in as best she could to be strong. But yeah me screaming for her obviously didn't help and I just felt like there was no control I couldn't even just get up and fucking run if I wanted to that's the irony of it's like I was literally physically stuck no matter what and I was just having to do this.

34:43And it was yeah it was horrible.

34:50She she kissed your leg. Mm hmm. And my feet kissed your leg and your feet. Mm hmm. Before your world in. Mm hmm. I mean as a mother you know your newborn baby toes and feet and seeing you know it's you just never would think that that would ever happen. Especially to your child or you're loved one. I can't imagine what she was going through because we often you know we often think about the person who is going through the medical condition but the people around them especially people someone as close as your mother who is your best friend and you've lived your lives together since you were born.

35:31I can't imagine the the sort of trauma and the you know the uncertainty that she was living with as well like have you have you had conversations subsequently but with her about what she went through in those moments. No I mean it's sad because I feel like God has blessed me so much I'm so lucky not only to just be alive but I have everything I can need more and I I forget every single day that I don't have legs like I don't even think about it. The only time I think about is when I got a pee in the middle of night and like you know going in the ocean like there's certain things I can't do to can't just run in there because you know I have metal and I have screws and I have bolts and so like rust but like I don't even think about it never and I don't even think about what happened the trauma and a lot of that you know maybe it's true like I'm suppressed and I'm just kind of moved on but really I'm just the happiest human but when I am with my mom it is something where she's so fixated on the trauma right of what happened and I think it's lives with her more so than me and it's sad because I hate that because I wish that she can just live her life.

36:41And know that and live and know that like I'm more than okay like God's got me and he's had me this whole time like you don't have to worry but I think as a mother and knowing the shit that I don't even fucking know that she had to go through and the decision she had to make I mean she was like writing down everything calling everyone you know making sure that I had the best of the best making sure she like took the notes and and the nurses and the doctors and I mean she was amazing and so I know that she definitely saw and felt way more than I could even understand or you know gather from her and and I just hope that one day she can let it go because I have you know and I just I want that freedom for her.

37:31You spoke in her about this. Yeah but I think it's just it's just hard I mean I can't imagine what she must have felt and seen and you know it was it was hard it was every day was like are we going to make it you know it was it was a lot.

37:59You come out of the operating room how long were you in there. I don't know how long I was in there but I was in there for a while and I just remember waking up and the doctor coming to me and he's like. Basically my heart freaked out during the operation because I had two heart attacks when I first went into the hospital so my heart was already kind of freaking out and not in the best state. And then through the operation I think some complications or something happened so I woke up and I'm sitting there and I won't look at my leg I didn't I I probably didn't look at my leg for months like I couldn't even acknowledge that that even happened.

38:40So I just remember sitting up and being like not even acknowledging it the doctors are coming in and talking to me and they're telling me that I had you know some sort of complication. You know like so Lauren for the next 24 hours we cannot give you any pain medicine. This is right after I had my leg amputated like chopped off and he's like I guess basically because of all the medicine and stuff it like something about they couldn't. I don't know my it was about me staying alive and not like having my heart like freak out having another heart attack or whatever I don't really remember they just of it because clearly I.

39:19It was so like not even really present but when I heard those words I was just like what so literally for 24 hours they put me in my own little room and I felt every single thing that was done to me. I was throwing shit I was screaming I was crying I felt like a shark had just fucking ripped through my leg and yeah like no my mom couldn't be in the room like no one could be because I was just screaming. I was screaming and crying and just freaking out because like not only was that traumatic enough having to like have my leg chopped off but then to have to really feel what was just done to me and have like have to actually just deal with it was on another level.

40:08And that's something like a lot of people don't know but that was really crazy.

40:19It's just unimaginable it's just like you've used the word God quite a few times. Were you religious before this happened and are you religious are you still religious now? Yeah I definitely was I mean I'm not like you know I just I believe in a higher power believed I believe in God I believe that you know there's something definitely directing my steps like I would not be here if there wasn't there's no way I would be alive if there wasn't a purpose for my life and there is definitely obviously now I can say that but like going through all of that I think there definitely was a moment when I was pissed at God and didn't understand why this had happened but I know that in the process of like going through depression and suicide and even having those thoughts every morning when I'd get in the shower and I'd have to get on like a little stool in the shower and wheel myself to the shower which is another thing I was in wheelchair for eight months which is crazy.

41:31In my foot my left foot was still questionable I didn't have the right leg but that's kind of just where I was after I left the hospital but every day I would wheel myself into the shower get myself on a stool and just fucking scream and cry and just yell at God and wanting to like think about ways I could kill myself and my life that day and every day that I did that something inside was like just hold on. There was something that just like in my soul was like just hold on and I mean it all makes sense now but for those moments it was definitely like hard.

42:24Just hold on. Yeah and trusting the process and trusting and believing that like you know this madness is this temporary and this is it all just makes sense just hold on kid just like don't don't don't pull the trigger. And you seriously considered that during those times? I mean obviously not pulling a trigger I didn't have a gun but if I did have access to one I'm sure I probably wouldn't be here. It was to that extent of like every day waking up and just couldn't even believe or even know how and the hell I got to where I was. You know 200 pounds head shaved one leg another leg that's questionable just the excruciating pain that I was in.

43:19And just life continuously moving right everything's happening and I'm just having to stand still sit still and be present with this nothingness but just darkness and it was my mom and I and my little brother and I just he would be the first one coming home every day. And every time I thought about killing myself I was thought like he would be the first one to find me and and obviously my mom too but like not having them have to live with that for the rest of their life. I think it really was like I couldn't do that so obviously it never happened but it was it was for sure and every moment thought especially like and just being in so much pain and like having every part of yourself removed.

44:17Sorry I don't know why I'm crying. Yeah.

44:29When I hear your story I you know and this is I think why ask the question about faith and God is it feels just like the deepest injustice. You know it feels just like such a deep injustice and it feels for that to happen to you. My my head just goes you know like how is this how is this fair and then to hear the suffering that you endured from then after I just I just can't understand the world where someone puts a tampon in and then they have to endure such suffering. And it just it's hard to make sense of like even for me hearing it I just can't make sense of a world where that that could happen to someone what what what are you all thought to that moment about this point of injustice are you feeling a sense of injustice are you asking yourself the questions.

45:25I think back then I was so concerned with every moment and surviving every moment and trying to just live that I didn't really think of how fucked up this is that you know I'm doing it to a documentary and so I have like 90 hours of footage that was filmed during this whole process because I was going to die. Because of damages because of the reality of just documenting everything that I had to go through and the trauma of it all. And when I look back and I and I see myself my my 24 year old self especially in that state it's really sad because I'm like I was so innocent and I was so young and I had this entire life and journey ahead of me and it was like how did I deserve that just crazy like I didn't do an answer.

46:23I was using the product as I should I did everything I was supposed to and you know it's just crazy that that is so powerful and toxic and it's and and again it's almost sad because again I'm the lucky one that I'm here being able to speak about this. But there are so many women that you'll never see you'll never hear their stories never see their faces never hear the trauma they experience because they're no longer here and so it's my duty to a share my story but be informed the world that this is this is inhumane and it's just it could easily be prevented. But again it's greed it's it's cost efficiency it's money you know it's you know I always say my interviews if men's dicks were falling off tomorrow that wouldn't happen.

47:24So why is it women are having to fight for everything let alone what we do with our bodies let alone with the products that we are given for something that we are just naturally having to do every month for forty something years you know why are we not a priority like why are we not protected and upheld to the stature of men. And we're fifty percent of the population and also we make life we create life it just seems so crazy to me. But again we're in twenty twenty three and and those men are still making decisions about what women do with their bodies and their choices on on how they you know approach what they want to do with themselves in their lives it's crazy.

48:19You come out of hospital you're in your wheelchair bound for eight months you're you're living at home at this point yeah with my mom and my brother yeah. What impact does it have on your brother he's he's ten years younger than you so he's what fourteen fifty more kid he is now first hand he's got a first sort of person perspective to real trauma and suffering and someone he loves and at fourteen you know I can't even imagine I mean I think that's also why there's a lot of I think it's hard I've realized in my situation that everyone that was with me in those moments it was so heavy and dark for such a long period of time again like you said prior it's not just about me going through the situation it's it affects every single person it's like a domino effect and everyone's going to deal with it differently.

49:12And a lot of people especially then being so young you know just have to go through even that with me not even experiencing first hand was traumatic you know so let alone my fourteen fifteen year brother who's having to see you know their sister in the state you know and then having to be so depressed and so angry and just pushing and punching everything away from me as far as I could because I didn't want to be here anymore. And him having to experience that I'm sure is taking a toll and it makes me sad because it's it's just this whole thing is is just so dark and it just goes back to yeah just affects everyone differently and and I'm lucky that I've been able to get to this place because you know I've I've done a lot of the work I've had to actually sit with myself and deal with it but it's hard to go there it's hard to dig that's hard to go there.

50:11And I'm going to be deep and to have to face the reality of of what you face especially in those moments and who knows when that will be and if that will ever be but you know what for the you mean for those around you yeah they're also going to sit and do the work. Yeah and like I think to it's like to see me in such a place now where I'm okay I think a lot of people forget like that I that I went through that to like they just see me now and like everything's great but and I see myself now and everything's great but again I I met a different place when a lot of people still have to maybe sit with the things that I maybe it wasn't aware of or I wasn't a coma or what you know the decisions and the talks that will happen when you know it was.

51:01Crucial to my well -being and to even if I was going to survive or not when you came out of hospital and you spent the next eight months in a wheelchair in real pain.

51:15Depressed very what were your prospects for life in your own from your own perspective what were you thinking your life was if you thought about the future if it all what was the future for you in those moments I didn't have one. I definitely I think that's also why I was so suicidal is because I had this life you know I had everything at my fingertips I was able to do everything in anything and there was so many goals that I wanted to achieve and to I just wanted to live my life I just thought like I just had so many hopes and dreams that in that moment of like sitting in my my my darkest room because I didn't want to see the world I had it like completely.

51:57And I had to be blacked out and having to sit with myself and like seeing myself in a wheelchair I mean people who are in wheelchairs are my heroes because I don't know how they face the world that's not meant for them it's hard it's so hard to go outside and to go and just do the simplest things and to a be looked at differently. Just things that we as people who are able to just be able bodied or have prosthetics or move or whatever how that challenges them you know and then face the world that kind of just looks at them and kind of doesn't in a way it's it's hard like I don't think if I had to be in a wheelchair would I be that strong mentally it takes a really strong person mentally to be to live that type of life and I hold the utmost respect for anyone that has to live in a wheelchair or being a wheelchair because you're fucking rock star and so strong.

52:57And for those eight months I was just like there's no way I can live my life like this there's no way I can just not accessible the world is not accessible I learned that it's just not as it's and then you just look down upon which is just crazy because you're not going to be able to do that. And you're really so strong to have to you know just face the world every day. What is that like you said you look down upon what did you learn about the way that people in wheelchairs of of you or just people with disabilities in general I think it's just like there's just like stigma of incapable because you maybe look a certain way or because you're confining a certain space or the world is not built for that the world is built for you know run in walk stairs you know a shower even just step you like people forget that there are people who can't do those things and there are a lot of the time left out and and in those moments I've learned that because I've faced it myself I think in my journey it's interesting because like I've had to face so many different parts of life and lived so many lives for maybe shorts about a time but at least in those moments I've been able to relate and to the world.

54:16And to live with maybe some something that someone does have to live with forever and how strong you have to be and what it takes every day to face a world you know that isn't really made for you or accepting of you or you know just because you you look a certain way you're immediately judged or or just seen as you can't do it and that's not true. Were you coming outside during the eight months barely I hid myself I didn't even like yeah maybe just like someone get my dog outside my mama kind of forced me but I wouldn't I would just definitely want to stay in my own little world as dark as possible and just hide as dark as possible.

55:08Yeah because I didn't I didn't want to see outside because I couldn't go outside like I used to look at people with legs and be so pissed because I'm like why do they have their legs and I don't because you're so depressed and so like just in this zone of like you don't want to live anymore let alone like your angry at the world because just of life because you can't live it the way that you used to and yeah you just you just it was just a really dark time I've trying to figure out again. Why am I here what am I doing is there a place for me I didn't think I would ever be accepted by the modeling world at all let alone looked at let alone find love genuine love.

55:54I again I didn't even think of life I just thought of how can I get out of this misery and that's why I was like just contemplating suicide daily. Every day I was just like how can I do this. It's it's really it's really just really hard to think about when you see no light at the end of the tunnel for such a long period of time like there's never been been through hard things in my life but I've there's always been a glimmer of light even at the end of a tunnel and to be in a situation where you're waking up every day and there is no light at the end of the tunnel as far as you can see but carrying on regardless.

56:37Well also my my foot was questionable so I'm having to go to wound care I'm having to go to hyperbaric every day my whole entire world shattered and I'm just sitting there with the pieces and then I'm just an excruciating pain I mean the pain that I lived with for even 70 years before I made the decision to amputate my my second leg I had because I was so young my body was over producing so much calcium that my bones even though I didn't have toes anymore. My bones were literally protruding out my skin like pushing and trying to basically fix the damage by like growing new toes but it's impossible.

57:16So I would have to go in and they would have to amputate that so I'd have to get my that cut out of me as well. I had to do the that surgery twice I'd have to go to wound care every every Monday every other Monday because my heel was so long. I was so badly damaged that again like I told you with the skin there's no skin on this planet that's strong enough so I had to do apple grafts which is basically maybe four skin because that's the only skin that's tough enough and they did two transplants of that on my heel and the hyperbaric to try to get you know everything to kind of come together but even doing that I would my sweat glands are really damaged so I would sweat and then they would just be like I'm going to do the skin.

58:04I just kind of get really hard and stay there and I'd have to surgically get them removed every Monday and I was just like in so much pain because there was no fat pads even on the bottom of my where the toes would be so I'm just on bone so every time I'm stepping I'm just like it's just excruciating pain. I just felt like you know when you have a toothache it's like that consistent throbbing pain that you can't get rid of obviously until you go to the dentist but that was something that I lived it for seven years. It's crazy. I don't know how I did it but I just thought that I had my whole leg and I just I'm that type of person that needs to exhaust all of my options before I make a decision and that's something that I just had to do.

58:54But in a way I wish I would have taken my godfathers advice in that moment of being like just take them both because yeah I can sit here now and say that probably would have been the best answer but what advice survived and not killed myself I don't know. But I think gradually doing one in learning how to live and to adapt and you know just how to have a prosthetic in general and to all the capabilities and things I can do I had to kind of learn as a slow process in a way I think. That was my life for seven years I don't know how I did it. How did you do it? I did it my face also knowing that I have this purpose that I have to you know scream out in the topest mountain that I possibly can find and yell and and get people to pay attention and I think realizing that I'm just a lucky one really gives me the fight for these next generations to come to not allow this to ever happen again to another soul.

59:56And to hopefully change the world where that this is not an issue anymore and it may take my entire life but that is my purpose. Did you get therapy during that period those eight months was there any sort of psychological support. Yeah definitely I had a lot of that. And it's interesting because during that process obviously it was I was so dark and so just not wanting to be here but the one consistent thing which is the irony of it all is like my grandpa telling me about the veterans that that come back and all this stuff and just me being like no I don't understand that I don't understand that comparison.

1:00:38Then my therapist at the time was working at the VA and she was like you know what you should really come talk to some of these guys and see you know how how they're living their lives and I was just like no this is not the same cut to my prosthetic I Peter harsh who's incredible he's down in San Diego. He's an angel like he's just the best at what he does. Who is he? His name is Peter harsh. What is he doing? He's my prosthetist. But he's like the best in the world and literally an angel. I got recommended to go down to him because I'm an athlete and I you know I'm young and I'm active and I want to live my life and so he would be setting me up for that lifestyle that I want and he's the guy to see.

1:01:17So I got recommended to go to him but in that time period of having to sit kind of like like this but around a table in his office or his facility. He's dealing with a lot of the veterans and he's the one that gets them and fights the VA to get them taken care of and it's just so interesting that I've had to sit in this chair amongst all of these amazing individuals and hearing their stories and learning about the fight and just the resilience of them. And finally seeing what everyone is kind of saying as far as the comparison or like you are just like them and we never understanding but the common denominator when I look around the room is we didn't kill ourselves.

1:02:03We are alive. We chose to live and we all had that moment in our journeys. However we lost our legs to want to give up to want to pull the trigger to want to end it all and we fought to be in that chair and that was like it just came so first full circle for me. And it was just like this beautiful kind of like aha moment of like. Roll with the punches of life regardless of how they come at you. It's about you know how you react to it. What's your choice going to be and to know that we all made that choice is like you know incredible. No an easy choice to make there is a that acceptance you describe.

1:02:47No. I think that's kind of that's kind of what I'm I'm really I'm really curious about is the journey one goes on where they at first they try and fight the thing that's happened to them and then that whole contemplation around the injustice why me this was preventable. This is unfair you're looking out your window you said and seeing people with legs and I read that you're even annoyed at the sunshine. You go through that chapter which is. It's a real it's a conflict right it's a conflict with oneself and the nature of what's happened and then at some point you arrive over this other side where.

1:03:23You use the word acceptance you kind of accept it and you make as you said a choice you realize that there's a choice you can make. That whole journey because you know whether someone's had an amputation or not there's so many people in their lives right now that are something's happened to them they're feeling that sense of injustice. You know they're going through the motions of blame or guilt or whatever it might be to try and understand how it was avoidable but. The journey from that place the conflict plays to this acceptance. What you know what does it take for us to get to acceptance faster I guess is my question because acceptance seems to be a much happier place I mean.

1:04:04Time time time you can't rush it you have no control over it and I think that's when it's those moments when you have to sit in it sit with it feel it feel every part of it and you have to figure out what are you going to do with what you have. What you've been given and you know. I had to do that I didn't have a choice I don't want to be in a wheelchair and I saw you know my only option was a prosthetic but how was I going to. You know make it cool or make it me or make it you know something that I could feel like all right like this is my new self this is my new chapter this is my new beginning.

1:04:50It was more so like I needed to see it as a challenge first because that's how my mind operated of like. Lauren you have no other fucking choice you're either going to be depressed and kill yourself and end it or you're going to get the fuck up and. Figure out what you're going to have to do to survive and live the best life that you know you deserve. And it was just a slow process slow like I wish I could put the fast forward and be like what I know now I knew back then but it's impossible I every part of my journey and everything that I've been through has gotten me to this place. Every every part has shaped me and molded me into who I am right now and a lot of that had to do with me doing the work and processing and again seeing that our physical beings is nothing doesn't matter.

1:05:35It's like a shiny object. But you may be the most beautiful person but you can be the most sad, unfulfilled, ugly person you know I mean it just. It doesn't mean anything it's about what you do on this planet not just for yourself but for others. How can you leave that impact. You know and that's kind of like how I now live my life every day is because again everyone is fighting something every day. And a lot of those ones you can't see it's mental it's it's trauma that you'll never speak about or talk about or whatever but you are internally having to deal with and face on a daily basis. And I think if anyone sees me if I'm just getting out of my car I've been walking to get coffee or I'm laughing I'm hanging whatever you see me on the cover of something Google me whatever and you see that I didn't just wake up and get here.

1:06:30That I too had all of those feelings that depression that state of mind of not wanting to be here but not allowing that to define me and to divine the future that I knew that I could have for myself. You got to see that even though things are very small those those big celebrations of even just getting up the next day even though you don't want to or you know facing something super hard or pushing yourself out the door when you don't want to or you know. Not taking the pills that are in front of you and ending it that waking up the next day is a new day that like you made it from that point so it's just about gradually building on to that every every little little challenges success that you've overcome.

1:07:17And it adds up over time and then soon enough you'll be in a place where you're like looking back and being like wow I did that. And I think that's the beauty of like life and the darkest times really mold us for the people that were supposed to be. It's so incredible because you know we've all everyone in their own lives feels like they've overcome something right and the degrees in which the mountains that they've overcome are all different sizes and that's why your your advice there is so unbelievably important and powerful because it is. Life advice for us all it's not someone who has an amputation advice in that I saw as you are speaking I saw all of the struggles I've been through my life in the process the things you're saying about time.

1:08:08Community meeting other people that have been been through hardships that you can relate to and that making you feel like you belong and you're understood and your plight is is a human plight you're not you know broken or or or or there's nothing wrong with you this is what it is to be a human. I was as you were speaking as well as thinking about this idea of strength and it is so tempting to say oh my god you're so strong and in any in the context of how someone might view you and say you've got incredible strength which you have. There's also this other side of using the word strength which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable because when we think of strength sometimes we think of like.

1:08:47Just kind of like buckle up yeah yeah but actually I think from what I've learned from doing this anyway the path to strength is actually often being okay to be vulnerable and be what some people might describe is. Quote and cook weakness which is like being willing to talk and being willing to cry and being willing to hold your hands up and say I need help. And it's almost ironically ironic that that's the path to strength that sometimes a vulnerability and saying I need help is the path to. Does that make sense yeah but it's also owning it being able to like be like this is what it is and and you know patience and time and and once you understand that you can't rush that especially when something physical happens to you can't rush the human body to heal right away it's impossible.

1:09:32So I really had no choice it was like I had to feel I had to sit with it I had to use a wheelchair I had to use a stool for a shower I had to you know learn how to walk without a limb by you know I I had to force myself to do the uncomfortable but we only grow in the uncomfortable if we're feeling fine and great and everything is dandy we're not growing we're just. Staying the same. You make the decision some years later I think six or seven years later that you you wanted to amputate the second leg your left leg. Why? I wanted my life back I wanted my freedom I was turning 30 and I was like I want to be a mom I'm an athlete I want to just be able to run.

1:10:22I want to feel the the wind in my hair you know the wind on my face I just want to be able to move movement is so important and I wasn't able to do that with that leg it was holding you back it was holding me back from living my truth and I knew it was the best decision that I was going to make for myself and it is I never ever look back and say oh I shouldn't have done it I have more so look back and say I should have done it sooner or I wish I would have done it sooner I guess. On the today show you said. Losing your first leg saved saved your life and losing the second leg gave you your freedom.

1:11:02Which is so interesting it's such a. It's such an interesting and unexpected thing to hear that losing your second leg is the thing that allows you to have your freedom how did life change once you made that decision and you gone through that operation. So I didn't have toes and then my heel was still just it just would never be normal again and it was just like why am I going this is not living I'm just getting by I'm just waking up and going to the doctors or I'm not going and going for run. I'm not going to go and play basketball I'm not going to be able to just walk down the street comfortably you know I definitely even like right in the beginning like I would wear hoodies and sweatpants I mean you can see the heat wave here right now that's kind of what I was in but I was in like you know huge sweatshirt huge sweatpants making sure like no one could see that I didn't have a leg because I was so scared of what other people would think I I just was ashamed of myself I was ashamed of what happened I didn't I just didn't know what was happening or what would happen next because it was so unknown.

1:12:11So I was just trying to like still I guess live in this world that I thought was of that girl but I was no longer that girl. And this was your God was your Godfather's advice was to at the time when you first had the incident first happened your Godfather's advice was to amputate both legs. Yeah. And by the time you you'd gone through that decision to amputate the left leg as well was your Godfather still around. He he was around but then shortly after he died in a horrific or a car accident which was really crazy because he literally sat with me every single day you know hoping and praying that I would survive you know playing Bob Marley's three little birds and seeing to me you know and then cut to he's killed and I'm okay.

1:13:03So it's just like how that happened is insane but. And he was like your father. Yeah. He was incredible. He was one of the biggest sports agents in the world for basketball and he was just like 007 like so swaggy so cool like you know had to ask him and he just lived this like cool lifestyle and was just the coolest guy and was so smart and loving and sweet. And yeah just just everything I didn't have within a fatherly figure he definitely was my rock and that aspect of life up until you know the very end. How does how does how does losing him impact you at that point in your life. It was hard it was just like I literally had just amputated so I was on crutches.

1:13:58I just bought a house so I was like really wanting him to come over and see it and you know I saw a voicemail that I missed his call and the voice was like hey let me know like when I can come over and finally see you know the crib and check it out and blah blah and it was like that was it. And then like I think a few days later he died. But it's just it's just crazy because I know he's proud of me and I know that like I have so many angels that I carry with me and I just know that he's he's along on this journey and I was super proud of me. So if I can you know I live with that so and he has an amazing little son that's the best as well so he's still here in a lot of different ways.

1:14:47And he's well how much he helped you throughout that period. I think he's still really young but it's interesting because like you know for kids to see me like kind of like a robot or like a superhero you know I walk out and I just see these gold legs and it's like it's interesting because a lot of kids at first don't even notice them. And then when they do then they're just fixated then they're just like staring and then they're just like I was just one little boy remember being in Switzerland in the airport. And he literally sat on top of his suitcase kept rolling up his pant like looking at his leg looking at me looking at his leg looking at me and then I remember his mom was like you know can you can you ask you a question or something like of course like you came over and then he started to like try to race me in the airport.

1:15:33So you wanted to see how fast I was and then he was like touching up my leg and feeling and I was like I'm like a superhero I'm like a robot and he's like yeah and then at the end of it he's like tugging on his mom's shirt and he's like Mommy Mommy I want to go to leg. And I was just like yeah yeah that's pretty cool I must say but again that's just like I've learned to it's like in this journey that owning and accepting it and being okay with it. It only attracts people's curiosity instead of shutting them away or making them feel like they shouldn't ask the questions and especially with young kids their brains are like sponges and they're curious and a lot of people you know that may look different.

1:16:13Their their mothers or their parents are probably like don't look don't stare don't and that's not what you should do less than asked the questions like I'm an open book but like. I think giving little kids that idea of there is something wrong don't ask don't question it should be like you should ask the question and you should wonder because that kid now is going to see someone like myself or. Just think that I'm the coolest thing on the planet instead of leaving thinking that there's something wrong or that I'm incapable or unable to do something. So I think it just the perception of I think how you just carry yourself is really important because you don't know who's watching.

1:16:57And it's usually the ones that like are in the you know the little ones and those are the ones that are this next generation or the generations to come. Golden legs. Golden legs. Why golden? It was 2012 obsessed with Rihanna and the underneath of Rihanna is that my mom got me tickets to go see her and I was so depressed and in a wheelchair and I was so embarrassed and was like I'm not going to go so I didn't go cut to she hires me for savage. And it was just so like full circle moment for me to because I'm like. Rihanna is hiring me for her brand and I it was so embarrassed to go to a concert just crazy life but anyway now she's married to Ace or you know has babies with ASAP and ASAP was the reason why I chose the golden legs because he had the golden grill like he was all about that especially at that time that was his thing is gold teeth and I was like you know what I may not have gold teeth right now but I'm going to get some gold legs.

1:17:59And it's kind of just been my thing and I love gold I love gold jewelry and I have a girl to have you know so many different things but like my legs are my jewelry piece they're like my trophies. It's also a statement of the kind of where you were with the acceptance piece because you went from the sweatpants where you're trying to hide to the gold where you're like look at this look how cool this is it's a real it's a kind of a real psychological gesture. So I mean to get from there to there yeah I think it's just about again finding and making it your own and figuring out what works for you and how like you know I'm also that was zero zero 1 % that is so lucky to be able to have the access to the prosthetics that allow me to move the way I do that allow me to walk the way I do you know prosthetics are so expensive.

1:18:52And tell me that because I'm an obviously I don't know about prosthetics prosthetics are really expensive because like the feet are what allow you to do everything right and healthcare like God forbid someone goes and get hit by a car tomorrow they're just given the basic needs that are going to be met which is just like a peg leg that just gets you from point A to point B anything that's allowing you to basically get back to the back. To your livelihood meaning running biking swimming any of that stuff going into the ocean even that's a luxury considered so healthcare doesn't really provide you with that option so I'm grateful that I'm that I'm sponsored by Oster who's a prosthetic company out of Iceland that they're so advanced and so like ahead of the game that they've made my feet to where it's like the blade is like an ankle to where like the mobility and flexibility is just like as if I had a foot my blades are my running blades I'm like 125 ,000 dollars and that's just to run just to run.

1:20:06And I mean these are expensive to my legs are probably a hundred thousand dollars but these are just because the feet and then you know the technology that goes into them and then you know the whole leg or whatever it's it's it's a process and it's also just sad that I'm lucky that someone can't just get back to their life like that's why this foundation called challenge athletes foundation CF and they work with getting their people their lives back by getting them. Legs that they need to get back to just living there every q one is often when businesses start implementing new systems and processes in hopes of creating efficiencies for the year ahead and over the course of my career I've learnt just how crucial having the right systems in places one which has helped me across many of my investments is net suite they're also a sponsor of this podcast net suite is the number one cloud financial system through their streamlined platform you'll find all of your accounting financial management inventory and HR in one place their technology has been a real game changer especially for my team at flight studio as over the last year we've moved out of startup mode and into scale at mode we no longer have to juggle multiple systems and having everything together has reduced the number of manual tasks and errors over 41 ,000 businesses have chosen to future proof their business with net suite so if you'd like to learn how it can help your business head to net suite dot com slash Bartlett and free download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning that's net suite dot com slash Bartlett do like so I want to come back to this what caused all of this you've been campaigning for some time you spoken to government officials about how to prevent this happening to other people and zooming in specifically what causes TSS it's the synthetic chemicals that are put into tampon products that are that a lot of big brands still have on shelves all around the world today I'm an idiot when it comes to tampons so if you had to explain this to an idiot so basically a tampon it goes inside of us at a really delicate moment when our body is we're bleeding we're trying to get that blood out but yet we're putting something in us that's basically like a corkscrew and all of that blood that needs to get out is stuck there is creating this perfect storm along with the dioxin the chlorine the bleach all of these chemicals that are that shouldn't be anywhere near us let alone inside of us and it creates the perfect storm.

1:22:38so once that even a sliver of that even gets in your system and your bloodstream because it is like the mecca of everything it can go straight to your heart and kill you and you know that's basically what we're saying is like why are you giving us something that is so toxic with all of these chemicals even if it's his organic it's still sprayed with pesticides and they're putting that inside of us and it's like it's just like a petri dish of yeah like just the perfect storm. the has it changed your perspective on all of these other cosmetic products we use in our lives you know like deodorant everything yeah because everything has something in it.

1:23:23I think even with the food you know and the thing is like these girls nowadays are getting their periods at such a young age eight nine ten years old because of all the hormones and the foods and then they're using these products way sooner than we would when I was younger and we don't even have the antibodies to fight the toxins and tampons for the other ones that are more susceptible to even getting toxic toxic drum. so you know and a lot of these young women nowadays are getting endometriosis polyps cis cancer you know way earlier than ever ever before because they're using these products way before they probably should.

1:24:05why do you think it they're still on sale these products and is there when you see that the products that you caused all of this harm to you are still on shelves right now how does that make you feel. infuriating because I'm just like how is it the thing is for me it's it's about being transparent right cigarettes if you go to purchase cigarettes and you look there's sometimes there's a picture it's uncomfortable to see but at least that's your choice you're making the choice to use that product. you're not giving women choices you're not like being honest about what's going in your product and what it's going to do to us if I use it for a day a month a year what is that going to do to my body internally what issues may I develop you know again why also are we having to use products that are just full of toxicity instead of using something that could easily be changed and but it's because it's my.

1:25:04money it's easier for them to pay out lawsuits or to do all of that stuff than to change all the machines. the change the development of the tampon is net it's actually never been changed tampon is the same as it's always been the only thing that was changed is the advertising the packaging the commercials I was always pissed at the commercials so I'm like how is there a girl running on a beach going down a slide running track doing all this stuff but there's no warning at the bottom of a tampon commercial of what that product can do to you let alone you watch an advo commercial or amends enhancement commercial and if you're not looking at the commercial you're hearing it it's a medical device.

1:25:47do you think that's their approach to it that what they're well aware of the potential harm these products can cause but they'd rather just pay the lawsuit and do the expensive work of changing the product. yeah that's 1 % this shouldn't be happening. it's a need to be happening but there's been no you know no accountability and that's why you know I'm I'm having to be in this position where I can share my story share the story of others you know work with this woman trying to wake up Congress to like say hey why is it still happening what's going on here. you've been campaigning to have laws changed to have you've done I mean a tremendous job probably more so than anyone else that's ever lived to raise awareness for this issue.

1:26:37what can be done what do you want to see done to prevent this happening to other people. yeah I've unfortunately fortunately and unfortunately I have been working with a mother who lost her teenage daughter toxic shocks and I think which was about 18. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing.

1:27:13and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and so I think that's a really important thing. and size Milloni has a pretty big business damhe to name me and financial aid, and wage Entience I do have know who she is and when I'm going to even define the dog as vulnerable and she's an unfair integrity. and so she's one of those people who is vulnerable and many people who have noası and amional leave a single longtime being the Colin seule who had a job. and boyfriend is an accountable one of those people who change and she comes back past it and I can next the Ptolex woman crying and screaming because she will never get to hear her daughter's voice again.

1:27:59See her daughter ever again because of this. So it was just kind of getting this congresswoman to like realize like, let's reintroduce this bill, but there's also so many things that we need to reintroduce and also address within Congress that has to change. So her and I have definitely joined forces and have kind of been putting together new bills and you know, again it's going to take time and it's not going to happen overnight, but it's definitely in motion and alternatives. A lot of the alternatives that women do have, they can still get TSS from like the cup, but that I've had women reach out to me.

1:28:43You know, there has been writing me saying my wife of three kids is fighting for her life right now in the ICU from using the cup or you know, a lot of women want to say like, I'm using organic tampons. It's like, okay, you're using organic, but it's still sprayed with pesticides. You're still putting poison inside of you. What is the approach you would advise? I think just being aware of what you're putting inside of you, being aware of, you know, are you reading the box and seeing that it has all these chemicals and you know, do you really want that to be just being, I guess, more, just being more aware, not just thinking that it can't happen to you because it can happen to anyone at any time.

1:29:27It's not about anyone's off limits, no one is off limits. That's the scary part. And yeah, I mean, just be more aware, educate yourself. That's the advice you would give if a young girl's listening to this now, and because I imagine this is a really pressing question in there in the people that are listening to this in their minds is what should I do instead? Well, that's why I fight so hard is because I need women to wake up and say like, well, what is our alternative? What is what do we do? But we're only given what we're given and what we're given is shit and it's horrible and it kills us. That's why I say it doesn't make sense.

1:30:07Like if this were happening to men, there would be a resolution tomorrow because a lot of these companies are male driven. There's a lot of men sitting in the seats that are making these decisions or have the power to, but they don't even know what it's like to have a period. They don't even know what it's like to have a baby to have to make a decision if they're going to keep it or not. It's not anyone's decision, but they're the person that's going through it. I guess my question is about like, you've still got to use tampons, right? So like, you've got... I can't never, and I don't. I can never use tampon ever again, it would kill me.

1:30:52It would kill you. Yeah. You mean literally or you mean psychologically? No, I mean, I would never anyway, but I'm just saying that literally almost killed me. So why would I ever want to have that thing even in the same room with Ms. Me? Yeah, I can never, nor would I ever suggest anyone to. I mean, I get it, you have to, but again, that sucks because those are the only options we have. Even pads, you know, a lot of pads have synthetic fibers as well. You know, the issue is there actually is nothing safe for us that we can use and go through the day and be like, oh, you know, just doing life and there's no worries.

1:31:38It's like, no, you have to have that consciously on your mind of like, oh yeah, like, this thing could kill me, but I have to use it because I have track today or I have to go swimming or I have you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Figiveness. This topic, this word of forgiveness. What's your, you know, I was thinking about what you said about the, the you wouldn't want to be in the same room as that thing because it killed you because it didn't really kill you. What do you think the answer is in terms of like acceptance, forgiveness? Where do you sit with? There's this tremendous injustice that happens to you.

1:32:15Is the answer trying to get to a place of forgiveness for what happened? Is it acceptance and what is, what is, where are you at with all of that? Forgiveness for who? For the companies that know that they're killing people? No. It's just greed.

1:32:34And forgiveness, I don't even know what I would forgive other than I don't even know if there is forgiveness. I think there's just anger. There's just this fight. There's just this unjust that sits within me to know that when I see a little girl walking down the street, I see myself and I see her little feet, I see her little legs, I see her whole spirit and to know that that was me. You know, and not ever wanting that to ever happen to another soul. And I think that that's like just my whole mindset of there is always going to be unjust within myself. If I don't live my truth by fighting for what I believe is right and what I believe is right as equality and safe products.

1:33:26You've done more than anyone I've ever encountered as I said a second ago to raise awareness with this. And I remember when my team back in London, they were sat around and they were discussing, you know, we said I would get flying out to LA and Lauren's going to be on the podcast and Jamehima who does a lot of, she leads the guest booking team. She was explaining to them what toxic toxic toxic shock syndrome is because none of them had ever heard about it before. And just just to think about that one isolated example that there's a whole team, there's a whole room full of people in London now that know about it because we're having this conversation.

1:34:01There's millions tens and tens and tens and tens and millions of people that have watched you talk about this online. You have done more than anyone I have ever encountered to make put this on the public's radar and you continue to do that. And in doing so, it is very, very obvious to see how you will end up saving many, many, many, many, many people's lives. You're saved, save them from harm, you'll save their lives entirely, you'll save them from the trauma that happens as a byproduct of the horrible things that happen when someone undergoes toxic toxic shock syndrome. And I know because you've described your faith that you are someone who almost has an air of believing in destiny and purpose and things about you.

1:34:51With it in mind, all of the people that you've helped in how you put this conversation on the map, would you change anything? Absolutely not. If you told me tomorrow that I could wake up and have my life back, I wouldn't take it. Because what I'm doing is like you said, it's a filmin'. It's the fact that I know that I'm doing something that needs to be done. I'm fighting for life, for people to be able to live their lives, to be able to, you know, like go about their days and live out whatever it is they want to achieve and know that it's, you know, I don't know, I just, I feel like that's my job.

1:35:37My job isn't done by any means. And I'm making a documentary right now or going to, but there was no reason why I should share anything with anyone because I don't need to. And it's horrific what I went through and it's hard to even imagine, but I can be on a million covers. I can do a million interviews. You can see images and this, that, and the other. But unless you see me and you hear me in that state, will you ever be able to put someone you love in that position to be like, wow, what is going on? Why is this happening? I never want my daughter, my sister, my cousin, my wife, you know, to ever use a tampon again.

1:36:27You know what I'm saying? Like someone has to see me fighting for my life to be able to put themselves in a position to be protective of the ones they love. And I always say this too, like I'm so lucky that I look the way I do. Right? Because again, it matters. And I think that is too why I got so much attention is because I am what I look like and how did that happen to her? Why has this happened for, you know, decades? So yeah, I think it's just, it's my, it's my duty that I feel in my heart that like when I see a little girl, I need to be vulnerable to showcase that part of my journey and my life to remind people of why I am the girl with a golden mix.

1:37:24It can't be easy. It can't, but it is. I mean, in a way it is. It's because I'm okay with who I am and where I've come and knowing that that's part of what allowed me to be this person right now, you know, and having to go through all of that. But even sitting here and having this conversation with me where you have to walk back down the path of that trauma. I mean, the only time I got emotional is when I speak about my brother and my mom and killing myself and them finding me. I don't cry about what happened to me. And maybe that's because I just suppressed everything and, and you know, it's this trauma that I haven't really addressed.

1:38:01But like, I know enough to know that like, I'm okay. And like God's got me and God's always had me and like, I'm living proof of that. I'm living proof of, you know, there's, there's someone definitely directing my steps. Like, I should not be here and have what I have and have been able to be above and beyond blessed that I forget my trauma. I forget the darkness because I have so much such a beautiful life to live. If your work was to be done, if I sit here with you and I don't know how many years time, but if I sit here with you in a couple of, I know, a decade, it could be, it could be five months.

1:38:38And I, and you, you say, my job is done in regards to toxic shocks in Joe. What would you mean by that? Meaning that we as women are protected, that we are given things that are not going to kill us for something that we inherently have to do every month. And, and that's a basic necessity for life. You know what I mean? We can't do anything without having something that's going to, you know, help us get through our days to be able to be the bosses that we are, you know? And, and hopefully, you know, knocking down these doors and, and making people wake up and realize, like, this is a huge problem.

1:39:20And hopefully getting these companies or a company to, to make something to where we can go about our lives and live just like everyone else and not have to worry if our tampon is going to kill us. I think that will be the day where I can be like, wow, I know that we're safe. I know that whatever happened to me will never happen to somebody else ever again. And I think that's where the peace and maybe just the, you know, the, the breath of I can relax and, and really just let that part of life go because I know that my voice has been heard and I know that change has been done. I don't know. I just think the purpose of it of being able to leave a legacy of like where you're actually impacting something for people to say for when you're not here.

1:40:11That's where I feel like that's where I want to be. I want to be in that like that changing the world factor of how either people see themselves and love themselves, changing the fashion industry, changing, you know, feminine hygiene products, making sure that we're all protected and safe. And I think that's so much bigger. And if I can save a life, I mean, that's bigger than anything. That could be bigger than any achievement you could ever imagine is because a human life and what that person is and what they could be to the world is so much more than just a cover or a, you know, fancy car or it's like it's so surface.

1:40:52There's no fulfillment. What are those things going to do when you die? Nothing. But you can die knowing that you've changed the world, that you've changed someone's life for the better. And that to me is so powerful. Well, Lauren, that is what you're doing. I've never been so inspired by someone on this podcast ever. And I don't bullshit people. But like genuinely, I've never been so inspired because there's so many things that you're doing as a result of speaking that aren't necessarily the most obvious benefits you're having. Obviously, your work to change the industry that harmed you is going to change lives.

1:41:30But the message of perseverance when there's no light at the end of the tunnel and to keep on going and to have faith that there is a higher purpose. There is a reason to carry on. I think there's so many people around the world that are in dark places and they can't see a reason to continue. You know, and a lot of them listen to this podcast because a lot of them message me. And I think even hearing how you manage to take yourself from that place, you used time and you sat with all of the things you felt and where you are now in your life, I think that alone will save a lot of people's lives because there's so many people.

1:42:06Honestly, there's so many people that are going to listen to this that cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are the light at the end of the tunnel. You know, you being here and doing what you're doing, you are that light. You'll never get to see all the lives you impact and change positively because of that. So on behalf of all those people who I'm sure would love to message you and tell you, but I'll do it on their behalf. Thank you so much. You've really, really inspired me and you've inspired me at a very profound deep level because you know, it's easy to go through life.

1:42:39Even have a huge amount of pity for myself or whatever it might be, you know, and you're a constant reminder of the choice that we have every day, every time we wake up. So thank you. Yeah, thank you so much for having me, giving me this opportunity. It's been so fun. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for blessing us. We have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest, not knowing who they're going to leave the question for. And the question that's been left for you. I've not read it all because it's a little bit long, but I'm going to start. Assume you can visit yourself on the day before you die.

1:43:13Brackets in the far future, I hope. What do you imagine that future version of you will tell present day you? That you've done well. That you've set out to do what you've chosen and wanted to do, and you didn't stop no matter how hard things got, no matter how many knows you got, no matter how big the world got or how high up that you couldn't see, how you were ever going to get past what was in front of you, but you did it and you never gave up and you you saw everything as a challenge. And hopefully in that moment, I'll know that I've changed lives, saved lives, changed the world for the generations to come and know that my work is done.

1:44:08And I think that's just pure beauty.

1:44:15I have no doubt. Lauren, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you to you too. Thank you.

1:44:45Q1 is often when businesses start implementing new systems and processes in hopes of creating efficiencies for the year ahead. And over the course of my career, I've learnt just how crucial having the right systems in places, one which has helped me across many of my investments is net suite. They're also a sponsor of this podcast. Net suite is the number one cloud financial system through their streamlined platform. You'll find all of your accounting financial management inventory and HR in one place. Their technology has been a real game changer, especially for my team at Flight Studio. As over the last year, we've moved out of startup mode and into scale at mode.

1:45:20We no longer have to juggle multiple systems and having everything together has reduced the number of manual tasks and errors. Over 41 ,000 businesses have chosen to future proof their business with net suite. So if you'd like to learn how it can help your business, head to netsweep .com slash Bartlett and free download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning. That's netsweep .com slash