The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back, Fix Erections & Increase Fertility! - Marisa Peer

23:47That's really weird. And many people don't realize how, as they say, in a long relationship, they take on the role of critical parent, blaming parent, judging parent. And then you have no desire left. So you're going to be very careful not to let that happen. And especially when you have children, and then you say, mommy, can you get Andy a tissue daddy? Can you get Susie or Jim Berg? And even though you don't mean it, you're now saying mommy, daddy. People do that with their pets, even. Daddy, take Toby for a walk or mommy. And it's like, it really messes up your sex life to call your partner, mommy or daddy.

24:28So interesting. It is, isn't it? Even when you were saying then about the lady that came home and said to her partner, dominate me, and he went, how? No, he said, what shall I do? Yeah, which is like, it's the synthesis of domination. But it speaks to 10 years of him, just trying to police her. Yeah, but also it's bad commune. She should have said, hey, you know, what you do, you do the sandwich, you go, hey, you know, we've been together for seven or eight years and we're great. But you know, I've got this thing I would love you to dominate me. Like this, I'd love you to pretend to be the postman or the gardener, or I'd love you to pretend to be someone who would really excite me if you could do that, because then we would just be exciting.

25:08And then they'd go, oh, okay, I get it. I've got to pretend to be the postman or the gardener or, and I was the lot of women who couldn't conceive. And this is where I learnt this from so many of my clients couldn't conceive, because their husbands didn't have enough sperm. But when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm out, take them and women have sex with a stranger, their cervix tilts to suck up the sperm. So when I realised it's a great book called sperm wars, it tells you all about, okay. So I wrote my client say, okay, this is what you've got to do. You've got to go home and pretend you, I don't know, an ass, duodess, and your husband, but you mustn't speak, because that's going to ruin it, and then have sex with some kind of fact go to a hotel.

25:47Of course, the men love it, I'm just talking, no, no, talking. Just act out this fancy, because he will triple his sperm out, take. Your cervix will tilt. And it's like, it's like IUI. It's like you have more sperm, and so many of my clients said, well, I've got pregnant. You know, I've tried all this other, going up the road to the whole day in, pretended he was like the plumber or anything at all. And that word, we've got pregnant like that, because he made so much more sperm. And so, isn't that interesting? That wasn't about fantasy, it was about how can you get more sperm? How can you become more fertile?

26:20What can you do? And these were just silly little things that help men and women who were trying really hard to get a low sperm count, get pregnant. Why does that happen? Why does the sperm count triple in the cervix tilt? Well, let's imagine, you know, that we're in a tribe, and there's some people there, and nature, the human species must go on. So for men, when they impregnate the same person over and over again, they've made her pregnant many times, but a new person, if you can get a new person pregnant straight away, that's how the human race continues. You know, one of my friends was telling me this story about in New Zealand with a ram, and he said, you know, you would buy the male rams, and you drive them to the field, and they could smell the females.

27:02They started ramming the door, that's why they're called rams. And when you finally get there, you open the gate, and they charge out, they have sex with every female. And when they come back, they've lost half their body weight, and they're really bad way, but they have to have sex with every single female, every you. So it's just an evolutionary to making sure the species goes on. So what does that say about monogamy? But this is not, nature doesn't care, nature cares about this species continuing. Nature doesn't care about monogamy, that its role is to make sure we continue. But yes, of course, we want to be monogamous, so what do you do?

27:38We use that very thing, if being with someone new excites me, and gets me going, why can't I pretend my partner's someone new? And of course you can, you can door kinds of great things, you can introduce newness, don't always have sex in the same place at the same time. It's a little tiny bit of effort, but do something to make it new and exciting. So you would recommend spending time apart as well? Yes, I mean, I've been with my husband for 15 years. We've only spent 11 days apart, and we work together. So you know that thing about living over the shop. So we work together, we're together all the time.

28:16But we have a great sex life because we both understand what makes it tick, which isn't necessarily being apart. But you know, being apart's great too, because you can't wait to come back to that person. A lot of people will listen to all of this and think, God, I'd love to do that. I want him to turn me into a maid and time me up and surprise me or whatever. But if I even mention this day, he would look at me like I've got, you know, a tale or... Look at me like I was weird. Well, part of having a great relationship is doing for the other. So if I said to my husband, I'm not hungry, so we're not eating.

28:49I'm not tired, so we're not going to bed. I'm not cold, so the heating's not coming on. He'd look at me like I was mad, because part of that is I'm not really hungry, but you want to go out for dinner or go. And it really want to go to this event, or I don't want to know what, go to a football match, but it's important to you, so I will go, because in a relationship, if you do for each other, if your partner says, I would love you to put on a little maid's outfit and run around with the dust. It would be so amazing. I don't want to do that, isn't that drug? Well, maybe I could just try it once.

29:18If I don't like it, I never have to do it again. Maybe it would be red hot. It's not about being objectified. So if you love someone, and assuming their fantasy isn't dangerous or painful or super weird, why not just see if you can do it? And then you can say, hey, if I do that, you can do this, because it's trading all the time. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's the same thing. If I'm tired, my husband will say, I'm going to make you something to eat, or I'm going to drive you, I'm going to do that for you, because he loves me, and I'm the same with him. But people think, oh, why should I have sex?

29:52I'm tired. Why should I do that? And the worst thing is that I don't want sex anymore, so you can never have sex again, either. Which is very weird, because why would you condemn your partner to no sex ever? Just because you don't want to have sex. And imagine if it was the other way around, because isn't a relationship doing for each other, even if it's not really your thing? So many questions to ask on this, because I'm just thinking about all the conversations I've had with my friends recently about sex and their relationships. And I've got another friend who is in a relationship. It's become a sexless relationship.

30:25He's staying with her, I think, in part, because she's really nice. But why is it become sexless? That's a good question, I wouldn't know, without asking him. But I'll tell you what, he's told me how much he wants to have sex with other people. And he actually described it as like a temptation that he just, he is like, as if he's possessed. He says every five minutes someone will walk past and I think about having sex with him. Like he's absolutely obsessed with it. But not with her. Not with her. She wants to settle down, because she's at an age and phase of life where she feels that she kind of needs to hurry up.

31:05It's what these are just words that I'm repeating that he's just told me. And so he feels a bit stuck, where he's got this partner who wants to settle down. He clearly doesn't want to settle down and he's thinking about having sex with everyone else. And he's not having sex with her. And that's how he's escaping. He probably doesn't want to settle down and have children, but those who shoot. It sounds like he wants to become a successful person. And now he's thinking about having sex. That's his way out. You know, oh, he can't say to her, look, you know, I love you, but I'm not ready for that.

31:33That five years down the line for me. So his mind is doing it. He's thinking to myself, it's like, they've all been but her. And he's just characterized because it's time thing. Because his mind is saying, you're not ready. You're not ready. You know, often we have dreams that say, I'm not ready or, wow, I thought I wanted to do this. But my dream said, oh, no, don't want to do that at all. But the desire he's doing to other people is his body saying you are not ready to be with her. You'll be with anyone else but her. And you should really just tell her the truth and say, look, I'm not at that stage you're at.

32:03I'm just not ready for that yet. Because you see, when you can't open your mouth and say, I'm not ready or I'm not comfortable or happy. The body goes, I'll do it. I'll do it for you. And I see that with all my clients, not just sexually. When you can't say, when are my clients told me years ago that he got fired from his job. And he couldn't tell his wife that every day, they put up his briefcase and went and sat in the park. And then he got really sick. And then she said, you're so sick, you can't get, you'll have to resign, you went okay. And he never had to tell her that he lost his job because the body made him so well, it would have lost his job anyway.

32:40So you know, I love this expression, the feeling that Camer find his expression in tears will make other organs weak. And so he's got a feeling that he can't express. And when you can't open your mouth and go, I don't want to do that. The body said, I do it for you. And it finds really peculiar, obscure, often really unhelpful ways of doing it for us. How does he know though that it's the case of him not being ready or even in my case, when I was 24, 25 years old, I'd just sabotage any sign of commitment. So let's talk about that. So let's go back to your 24 years old. Oh, for my entire, I mean, it starts at 14.

33:20So it's a 14, we're not being able to do it for you. Yeah, 14. We start fancy people. You're 24 and you fancy people and you're a very good looking guy and you've obviously had some relationships. Tell me about the self -sabotage. It started with Jasmine. Mm -hmm. Jasmine was with a guy called, I probably shouldn't name him, but I'll call him John. Mm -hmm. Jasmine and John. They were in a relationship. I mean, fancy Jasmine, she's gonna hear this, but she knows already. Fancy left for about three years, pursued her doggedly from like 14 to 17, really 18. And there was a day where like Jasmine gave me a chance finally, she was in a relationship with this guy called John.

33:59And on that day, I got terrified. Mm -hmm. And I kind of remember persuading her out of it, even though I'd pursued her for years. And then as I looked through my early sort of 20s, the same sort of recurring behavior pattern showed up where I would, at any sign of commitment, I would come up with a reason why I couldn't commit. Sure. I'm busy. I need to become a millionaire. This will get in the way of my work. So what you were doing was the oldest trick in the book. You pursued Jasmine. She wasn't available. She was with someone else. When she became available, you thought, oh, no, because now she could reject you.

34:33Now she could say, when she was with someone else, it was a dream. I'd love to get that. When you had the chance, it's like, oh, she could find out I'm not worthy. She could find out I'm not good enough. It's just context. Sorry. I can give you context as to how it felt. The idea of commitment felt like prison. Of course. Yeah, you've said that before. And so of course, if your end goal is, commitment is prison. Being stuck with one person is prison. Your mind says, I've got to get you out of this. So it's all fine to have flings. But the minute commitment comes up, you back out, because that's going to jail.

35:06You don't want to do that. So that's really normal when you say things like, oh, I'm going to be tied down. I'm nailed down. Oh, that's it now. No more fun. And the people say things like, you two are one now. And may all your problems be little ones. And it sounds like we don't like that. It's like, oh, I don't like that idea. And all the vows about to love, honor and obey. To forsake all others. We think, oh, do I really want that? But you were adamant that you didn't want that. That a relationship was prison. So when you tell your mind, I don't want it. The mind must get you out of it. If you say, oh, God, I've got to give that speech.

35:43I don't want to do it. I want to do it. I want to do it. Don't be surprised on the day the speech you wake up with chronic diarrhea, a terrible cold and migraine. And you mind, because you said you didn't want to go. And I'm so cool. I've got you out of it. Because the mind listens. Every thought you think it listens to. It's like a genie or wish. It's come on. So your wishes are don't want to be in prison of commitment. I'm happy to date. But when it gets a little bit serious, the mind goes, let me get you out of this. And we don't do in logical ways. You know, self -sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than the fear of either not being enough.

36:19We're not wanting to go where you think you're going. You know, there are people who apply for a job. Get it. And they never turn up on the first day. I think, God, I work that. And I don't want it. I thought I wanted this. I don't want it. I thought I wanted that person. I actually don't want them. And so for you, the thought that a relationship is prison is so powerful that it would make every relationship unravel, including Jasmine. So now let's go back to your friend. Yeah. So how does he know that it's not just some like, I don't know, unresolved traumatic issue that's stopping him and being avoidant and I think it's the case with like jobs and relationships and everything on our life.

37:03How do we know that it's not just some trauma response that we're having or if the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is actually not right for us? I think you know when you think, okay, my life without this person, would it be better or worse? So I don't have an argument with my husband. We don't argue a lot, but I was imagining my life without him. And it's so much worse than my life with him. He occasionally annoys me. He's got some, he can put a tea bag and have it in every sort of a kitchen in like three minutes' flower. I was saying, wow, how do you do that? I just don't understand how you can do that.

37:38But you have to pick your battles in a relationship. And when he really annoys me, I just think, okay, imagine if he wasn't here. And I thought, oh no, I wouldn't like that. Maybe not here for a couple of hours, but forever. So you know because of how you feel, but you see, you know, we're all taught this, you know, you found your other half, but you're not a half. You're a whole, you can't find another half to complete because you're not half a person. But a lot of us are taught, you know, you're going to find the handsome prince. You're going to live happily ever after. Well, that isn't true.

38:09There's never one person ever that could complete you or me to all your needs. And so you have to be realistic in a relationship. You have to put your needs into three parts. Okay, I've got a need. My husband must always tell me where he is. He must call me. He must tell me when he's, if it is too in the modern way, he is. I don't like that. He must be honest. Honesty is a non -negotiable need for me. So that's a need that has to be met. Need for tiredness. Is that really important? I can do it myself. You know, by the time I have an argument with him about the tea, but I've already put it in the bin and put a bit of bleach on the kitchen counter, and it's all done.

38:44So the second lot of needs, you might have to meet those needs. The need to have a tidy kitchen, the need to have, I don't know, organic groceries delivered. Maybe you can do it. If sometimes you've got to pick your battles, and the third set of needs, you just got to give those up. Some needs are just not important enough to fight about. And then my daughter is an artist. And artists are very messy. And if you go, look at the mess, they go, what mess? I can't even see it. So with my daughter, the need to have her to have a tidy bedroom, I went to shut the door. Don't even go in there. If I go in there, go, well, she's happy.

39:15Do I need to have a happy daughter or a tidy daughter's bedroom? A happy daughter was actually more important. So some needs, you must have your partner meet. Some, you've got to meet in some. Just give them away. It's really not worth arguing about. You reminded me when you talked there about thinking about meeting Prince Charming in perfection. Yeah. I went into a bookshop the other day, as I sometimes do, just for inspiration, you know, and I bumped into a lady who recognized me. I actually took a photo of her because the conversation really stayed with me. It's not often that I take a photo with someone else.

39:46I say, please can I have a photo with you? Just so I remember this conversation. And what she said to me in that conversation was reminiscent of many other conversations I've had. She was a woman. She's just over the age of 30. I think she was 32, 31. And she was actually in that bookshop looking for a book that would help her solve her romantic and relationship issues. She said to me, which is a message I've heard before from close friends, mine. I'm over 30 now. I'm looking for a guy. I've never been in a relationship. I've been working very, very, very hard. She said she's excelling in her career.

40:17People have told me that I just need to go to the gym and work out and I've tried that. And I still can't find this person. And the other sentence I remember, she said, I don't want to settle. And I've got people close to me in my life. Many people that have are in almost identical situations, so much so, that I sent that photo with her to those people and said, I've just met you in a bookshop. And it helped me to actually understand them better because to know that there's many, many people that are in that situation, then they've got this kind of societal clock ticket that's saying you better do it quickly.

40:48Yeah. What would you have said to her to help her? I just said to her, what are you doing? Because I'm looking for love. Okay, that's great. Where are you looking? Where are you going to go? Well, I go to yoga. Any men there? Not really. Oh, you remind me of something she said. She said, I've tried dating apps. Those don't want people to tell me to meet people in public, but how do you do that? Yeah. So if people tell me they're looking for love all the time, I'm looking for love. Where are you looking? Describe your weekend. I went to yoga. Any men in the yoga class? Not really. And then I went to my friend's house.

41:17And then I went to a book reading for any men there, not really. And then I went out with all my girlfriends. We all looked the same. We all went to the same bar, a little competition. So actually, you're not looking for love at all because you're going to places where men aren't. And then men say, I'm looking for love. Where are you going? I mean, the wait room, any women there? They were in the yoga class. So if you really want to find love, you've got to be proactive. First of all, sit down and think, what kind of person do you want? I mean, what qualities do they have? What are you looking for?

41:46You know, no, Sam, I'm looking to buy a house. But I've never, I've never go to a estate agent and look at the brochures. I just think the house will turn up. I'm looking for a job. But I'm actually going to yoga. I'm going to, I'm not going for any interviews. We say, well, you're not really looking for a job. Are you? When I look for a house, I've got brochures coming in. I'm going to look at, I'm going to look at house. That's why I find the right one. So if you want love, sit down and think about what you want, make a list. Don't be turned to six pack and gorgeous or ten. Think of the qualities.

42:15What is this person like? And then decide what is that person looking for? You might have to up your game a bit. And then think about where is this person? They're not in yoga. But they're somewhere. And once you've decided that you're worth love, that's the most important bit. And you can put yourself around people. You'll find love easily. But we're so busy trying to change ourselves. So you have to take some time because the only thing you need to do to find love is first of all, every day so I'm worthy of love. I am worthy of being loved. I deserve to be deeply loved and I am worth it. And if you think, well, when I say that, I feel really stupid, then say it more until you don't feel stupid.

42:57And do you think, no? Actually, it's sinking in now. So I put in lotion on my skin. It is going in. It is having an impact. So say it, state it, affirm it a lot. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. Who couldn't love me? I'm deserving of love. And then when you've got that part right and you know that you don't think, I hope when I go on a date, I'm good enough for them. What about thinking, are they good enough for you? So you ought to reframe that. Don't keep saying, I've got to make myself. I've got to chase love for you love. Get in shape to find love. Be perfect to find love. You've got to find love just by being you.

43:35So work on knowing you're worth it. That's an 80 % of your success will come down to having an unworth it mindset. Think of the person who would think of where they are. And then get out of the yoga and go to the wait room. If you're a girl, if you're a guy, get out of the wait room, go to the yoga. Put yourself around if you'll you want to be with. And you'll end up with them. And she did say a line to me, which I've just remembered, which is, I've started to think that there's something wrong with me. Yeah. And there is a clear pattern in the people here in that situation that I know that have started to engage in vocal, negative self -talk and self -dispiragement.

44:08And apps, of course, there's so much going to a Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20%. I don't even know what to have now. There's so much variety. I've now got to page 20. I forgot what was on page one. If you go to a restaurant with a little menu, you think I'm going to have that. So apps with masses of variety, lots of people, I mean, they show you a good thing. How many people are looking for love just like you, so you're not weird or a freak. Apps are good to show you, wow, all these people, good looking people are looking for love. But maybe come away from the apps and start to talk to people, you know, talk to people.

44:42I was just thinking as you're talking about dating apps. I've never been a prolific dating app person because I've been busy, but also I've never had success on them. Until people knew who I was sort of in a public capacity and then you can't use them anyway. But going back 10 years, I do remember using dating apps, swiping through. And you'd see like really beautiful people and they're like, oh, I want that one. You'd swipe right on them. And then the ones that would swipe left and you would, you know, they were just not the ones you were looking for. And because you understand the value of anything by the context in which you see it, by seeing 50 beautiful people.

45:15But then getting the ones that are less than, even if those less than people. It's not a nice way to describe them. The ones you didn't deserve. Are perfectly okay because you've seen them in a context where you've seen super mortgages. You're never going to value them. Yeah, of course. And also, you know, I was thinking about the people that are going on those dates that are searching for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right. Are we less valuable when we're in search of something? Yeah, definitely. That's the problem, right? Well, it's one thing is to say, hey, you know, I've got a great life and I've decided and I'm ready to be with someone amazing.

45:51I want to share my life with someone who wants to share that. But I'm quite, I'm okay if I don't find them. I've got a great life. But I'm kind of open to finding the right person now. It's rather different to need you. I need someone to complete me. I don't want to be on my own. I hate being alone. I need to find my mate, my partner. So you almost need to be a level where you're happy and you've got a great life. But you want to share it rather than I'm incomplete without that person. There's something wrong with me. People just say to me, why are you not married? I said, I don't know. Just lucky, I guess.

46:24Because I hated the option of what's wrong with this. I always have that pattern. I don't know. I guess I'm just very lucky. From the age of 20 to 25. Yes. Every one I pursued, romantically. Once I'd even got past the commitment issues, didn't want me. And I always reflect on it and go, when I really wanted someone, there must have been something I was doing. Yeah, they knew that you were dumped then. They knew that you had a commitment fear. That sort of probably came out of your poor. So of course they jumped you before you dumped them because your behavior and some of the things you did or said, or even didn't, would have let them know that you had a commitment fear.

47:02And so they just got out before you do. They weren't even, I got rejected a lot in the things from like 20 to 25 and I reflected and go, how come those five girls that I pursued that I really wanted that like, you know, I'd start listening to Adele and think of them like, you know, went into the frenzy. All of them rejected me. If they all did it, it wasn't, it was all of them. They all picked up something from you because it was one you go, oh, well, it was them. Yeah. Because I've had five wives and already disappointed. And they had five husbands, no. Well, then it was you. I was talking to a client at least I've had five wives.

47:36They all disappointed me. I said, well, you were the disappointment because they couldn't all disappoint you. You must have wanted perfection, which he did. And you can only ask with affection if you're offering perfection, which none of us can offer. My conclusion from that chapter of my life was there must be like a thousand micro expressions that these people are picking up on that. Absolutely. I'm low value. Yeah. And I, you know, I couldn't fake it. I read all the books about, you know, I read this book and this matchmaking book and this book called The Game, The Mystery Math and I watched all the documentaries.

48:08And the only reason it changed in my life was when my actual opinion of myself changed. Yeah, of course, because you didn't value yourself. And you know, if you have this belief, I'm not good enough and you fake it. People pick it up. They know instinctively. They can't help it because it's at a level beyond communication where you have a low sense of worth. People pick it up. And when you have a high sense, they pick it up too. But when you fake it, you're still faking it. So that's why you've got to get to that level of, hey, I'm so great. When I was in, I was in Zimbabwe just before I met John and I was, they put me in a honeymoon suite.

48:46And it was an amazing place. They kept saying, oh, he's so sad. You haven't got a husband. They don't understand that. Why have you got a husband? This is not normal. And I thought, you know, I'm so happy. And I thought, I'm, as a second time in a month, I was also teaching in Conti, but I mean, a honeymoon suite again. That really was the best dream in the house. And it was a big honeymoon suite. I thought, well, you know what? I love being in here. I didn't think, oh, this is so sad. And so the second I was in a honeymoon suite, I was thinking, you know what? If this is as good as it ever gets, I'm on my own in this amazing place.

49:14Since in Barbara in this amazing, I would two baths outside and two showers and two of everything. I'm okay. I'm really happy. And I was married 10 months. I didn't even know, John. Well, I knew him, but we weren't dating because you have to get to that level of thinking. And 10 months later, married. Actually, I came home. I knew John. I kids went to the same school. I came home from Africa in September, met him in October. We were married the following August. But I got to that level where I was so happy being just being by myself that I didn't chase him or think, oh my God, I need this. It was just like, oh, here you are.

49:50And I would know you're a great guy. And it all worked out perfectly. But you have to get away from the neediness or I'm running away from it or avoiding it or desperately looking for it. In your case, looking for what we're thinking, it's a prison. You have to be at the level of, I'm ready, but I'm happy anyway. And then from 25 to 30, the next five years, the thing that changed in my life was I became, well, the people would call successful. So I had business success. Now, it's funny because someone will look at that and go, okay, well, for the next five years from 25 to 30, you had money so it attracted people, whatever, right?

50:28But I know that that's not the full story. I know that I think the success changed my beliefs about myself. Of course it did. And I just think I stood differently. Of course you did. And you had a sense of self. It's not that I'm rich, but it's like, I've created this. I'm worth something. Your sense of self elevated because of what you've done and achieved and you grew up a bit too. And so your sense of self went up and people like people with a strong sense of themselves. It's very attractive. It's actually very sexy. Confidence is really sexy. A sense of who you are is very sexy for men and women.

51:05So without knowing it, that's what you got. And from 25 to 30 in that period, I no longer had that issue. Of course, now I felt that I could attract someone that I wanted. If I pursued someone I thought I went into it thinking, you know, the choice is going to be mine. Yeah. And I, at least some more where I possibly can. And I fell in love with someone and I've been with them ever since. I was actually working with someone who won the lottery. And he said, you know what happens when I won the lottery, women became more orgasmic. I said, you know that happens all over the world when men win the lottery.

51:35Their girlfriends become more orgasmic. And I said, yeah, I don't understand it. And it was, he couldn't understand it. It was a bit of a joke that of course they became more orgasmic because he became so attractive to them. Because he'd won the lottery. So that was very funny. Makes so much sense. So people are going to hear that and go, so you can't fake. That's what I came to learn from that 10 years ago. You can't fake it. I said, all my friends now, I give them, I give them, I give them this, or everything I know about some of the books I read about how to be high value. And then I tell them the story that between 20 and 25, I read all these books and I still couldn't do anything about it.

52:06So reading the books is not enough because you can't fake it. And I say to some of my best friends, and as one of my close girlfriends, I said, it's almost like there's a thousand little micro expressions of low value that we give off in language. It's just, it's a new form of communication versus the like thousand tiny things. We don't know we do, which tell the person that we don't value ourself. We have our self -esteem and we're not confident. If you're looking for self -esteem anywhere outside of yourself, you're not going to find it. If you're looking for self -esteem out there with the jasmine's of the world or someone, unless you're looking for it in here, you're never going to find it.

52:43So stop looking out there, self -esteem is not out there, it's in here. And just spend some time saying, hey, I can elevate my sense of self -worth, self -value, self -image. You see, self -esteem means, if I say, Stephen Holder in the highest of esteem, it's what I think of you, but self -esteem, I think of me. And what happens is we start to poke holes in our self -esteem. I'm saying, oh, I'm not good enough, I'm not rich enough, smart enough, attractive enough, qualified enough. And you've got to go back and go, no, I can raise myself as in my matter, just the way I am. I'm matter, I'm enough, I'm lovable.

53:23And you know, my dad always said the job of any school is to raise the kid's self -esteem. That's more important than learning Latin or sport. And all schools, their job is to raise kids, and parenting too, your job as a parent, is to raise your kids self as if it nobody teaches us that. We think, oh, no, it's organic broccoli and making you safe and making you learn Mandarin, send you a good school, know your job is to raise kids with good self -esteem. And then they'll have relations with who got good self -esteem. If you've got only, what will work on self -esteem, the world would be so much better.

53:59What would you have done with 20 -year -olds, Steve, if he'd come to you and said, listen, Rissa, I've pursued all these women, they all seem to not value me. Yeah, well, I would have gone right back to look at what was happening when you were growing up, what was going on with your mom and dad, where did you get these beliefs from, what happened to you? You know, it's not what's wrong with you, it's what happened to you, you should never say what's wrong with you, what happened to you in your formative years? What did you see growing up with your mom and dad? What did you see? So if we look at, you know, poor McCartney, who loved Linda, and all his children have got very secure relationships, tell us, got four children, amazing parent Mary, she's got three children, but they're very happy, they've stayed with us, because they learned what they live, you learn what you live.

54:49What did you learn? What did you live that you learned, which was that marriage is a horrible place, you can't escape from, it's punishing, it's not a place of sanctuary or love or support, something completely different. I also think I just learned that I was at a very young age, that I think maybe that I learned that I was unlovable at some level, because I think about being a black kid in an all -white area, where your house is like dilapidated, I think that's what I'm like, well you can't, never brought anyone home, never brought a girl home in the 16 odd years that I lived in Plymouth, never brought anyone home, no one knew where I lived, I had this like constant shame.

55:28Yeah, shame and shame. And I showed up as if I was a confident kid, like you know, it was an act. It was an act. Yeah, and you went home feeling ascent, you see, I taught 16 ,000 therapists all over the world, and I teach them, there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door, only three things, and one of them is, I'm different, so I can't connect. The next one is, I want something, it's not available, I mean the third one is, I'm not enough. There's a lot of versions, I'm not smart enough, good enough, but when you tell me that little boy who was a black kid in a white world, living in a sham bowl, it has never bringing people home straight away, you're saying, I was different, and if I'm different, I can't connect, because we connect by being the same, because I like postman Pat, so do I, I like pastor, so do I, I like Barbie, so do I, oh you're my friend.

56:17But when you're different, you can't connect, so you first had that first thing, I'm different, so I can't connect. What I want, being the same as all the other kids, is not available to me, and if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough, but of course, that's what you felt, the truth is, you're deeply lovable, just the way you are, but it's very hard when you don't feel it, so when you, you know, your feelings are the most real thing you have, and we're always trying to use logic, but logic doesn't work, because in a battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time, so the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same, you can't logic that better, yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire, you remember John Lennon said the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside, and so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake, you have to go back and look at, okay, I felt different, but here's an interesting thing, if our greatest fears to feel different, it must be none the same as everyone, because that's our greatest fear to be different, we used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different, but actually if you fear being different, I wrote it, that means you're the same as everyone, because you got the same fears, and what wasn't available now, you've made it available many years ago, and you're deeply leveled and more than enough, you have to go back and look at that old scene, that's not me anymore, of course it's not me, so just stating why it isn't you, is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do, as we're so busy looking at how it is us, you know, here's our all of the mind, whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on, you get more, so when you look at how it's still you, or still there, or still bothering you, then you'll find it, and interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you'll remember the shambolic house, and that's why it bothers you, not because it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house, now you come out and think, oh look at this room, I've recreated the same, instead of saying actually, I'm in a five star hotel, there's a maid next door, it's a little bit messy, it's not shambolic, but you see what your brain is looking for, it's what's the same, and it will always find it, but if you look for what's different, you'll find that too, so when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, and said that you've got to talk yourself out of it, not into it, you're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as the messy home, and it bothers you greatly, because it feels out of your control, which it was when you're a kid living in that house, don't talk yourself out of it, oh yeah, I have grades in mess, but hey, I'm a super successful guy, I'm busy, so I'm just going to come in and clean all of this up, and it's not the same, it's vastly different, but our mind is always looking for what's the same, because it loves what is familiar, after all, you know, if you were to your kid living in the prairie, you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you would eat, you wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar, because it would have killed you, so our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable, but let's talk about the sugar, because I heard you say a lot, let's talk about that.

59:32I saw this, I saw on your web, one of the things I saw was the Dietless Life, Life Coaching, and the Dietless Life website, I was on there just before I actually came in the door earlier, and it said that the Dietless Life resolves the underlying cause of overeating. I let me confess, I am someone that works out pretty much every day, I'll work out today, although I'm going to that Fred again concert, that might be difficult, that's a workout, I work out pretty much every day of the week. The thing that's holding me back is, once in a while, I'll get into a little bit of like a sugar spiral. What I mean by that is, I'll eat some sugar, and then the next I'll eat some more sugar, and then the next day I might have some more sugar.

1:00:11Because sugar is addictive. Yeah, I've actually given up alcohol, I've not told anybody about it, I've given up alcohol completely, but this sugar thing seems to be something that I'm like battling with. It will happen once a month, and then it could last for like a couple of weeks where I just start eating things that I'm like, why am I eating that? And then I'll get control again of the ship. How do I avoid sugar? I don't like it, I don't want it. I actually, when someone hands me something, I check as the sugar contents, don't want it in my life anymore. I've made that decision, like alcohol.

1:00:41Good bye. But it seems to grab me. So your mind always goes back to what something means. So let's talk about little Steve, and what did sugar and all the sugar is what it means to you when you're a kid? Well, what did they mean? Well, in our house we weren't allowed them, and we didn't have them. Yeah. Probably the only family again, because of money issues that we didn't have any nice things in the fridge. Yeah. So I would go to the corner shop after school, and I would steal as much of the sweets as I possibly could. And then how did you feel? So let's close your eyes a minute. Okay. Just remember, be that little boy, you've just stolen them, you've just got them.

1:01:13It's okay that you took the moscow to do that. What do you feel like when you've suddenly got them in your pocket, so you're eating them? What's the feeling? I feel in control. I feel like my friends, I guess. So keep your eyes closed, and imagine now you're grown up, Steve, and suddenly it's one evening, and you want this sugary stuff, and you want it the next day and the next day. And I want you to say this, and I say, when I can't have sugar, when I don't have sugar, say it, repeat it, when I don't have sugar. When I don't have sugar. I feel like my little kid was deprived of sugar. I feel like that little kid that was deprived of sugar.

1:01:46And that makes me feel out of control. Because... Just out of the word, because it makes you feel out of control, because... Because I lived in a house where I didn't have the ability to get the things I wanted. Sure. So you can open your eyes now. So the adult, you see, it's not the chocolate, it's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it. So when people go on a diet, this is what happens. I can't have any of that stuff. I can only have lettuce, and they have this traffic, like red, everything's banned. Amber, okay, and green is like lettuce, salad, carrots, grilled fish. You think, yeah, I want all the red stuff.

1:02:26It's the mind says, if I can't have it, I want it. I want it so much. So again, you've got to talk yourself. You're saying, hey, I can have chocolate every day for the rest of my life. It's always, I can have it, and I can have it in abundance. I can have a breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And here's the magic, centres that change as your life. I'm choosing to say no, and I'm choosing to love it. I mean, my parents are a bit like that, no sugar. So that sounds good. I'm choosing to say no, to chocolate, and I'm choosing to love it. I'm choosing to say no to kids' treats, and I'm choosing to love it.

1:03:00I was going with a my clients, who's a billionaire, who goes on his boat, on his yacht, and takes all these things like refreshers and sherbet stuff, because he wasn't allowed them as a child. And even as his own chef, that makes him happy, because it's something that was forbidden. And so when he gets it, he thinks, oh, I feel so thrilled. Because it did that when you were good, it made you happy. So you're looking for the feeling, not the thing, and you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway. So as you can remember, I feel the same when I want it, and I feel the same when I get it.

1:03:33But could I get the feeling without having it? Of course you could. It's really easy, too. Shall I hypnotize you back to that little boy that wandered the sugar so badly so we can change it? Yes. Would you like that? Should we do it now? Let's do it now. Okay. Being hypnotized is really easy. I'll show you what you do. Okay. It's about the eye. So if you look at me, you're going to look up like that. Breathe in, breathe out. Take another deep breath, keeping your eyeballs up. Every time you blink, deep powerful hypnosis is coming upon you, breathe out. And just one more time, keep your eyeballs up.

1:04:11And this time, the more you blink, the deeper you're going to hypnosis, as you exhale, keep your eyeballs up, close your eyelids down. And I'm going to tell you, Stephen, that your eyelids are locked shut, glued shut, sealed together. Your eyelids are glued tight. Try to open your eyes by their locked shut. Go deeper. Try to open your eyes by their glued tight. Go deeper. And one more time, try to open your eyes by their fused together. Go deeper, deeper, deeper. Your mind, Stephen, is exactly what chocolate and children's sweets represent to you. I'm going to count back, because some five to one, your brilliant mind is going to take you right back easily, powerfully to a scene.

1:05:00It is all to do with wires and adult, you keep going back to sugar. The minute you get that information, it's going to be such a game changer. And of course, you can't relive anything. It's not possible. You can only review. You can't relive being that little boy, but you can review it. And any scene you go about, even if it's sad, you're going to look at it with fascination, with insight, with innate understanding of how those scenes then shaped you today. So let's go. So you're about seven. Describe what's happening in this scene. I'm sat on a gross hill. Mm -hmm. I have these boring, sandwiches in my lunch box.

1:05:45I want you to, it's very important to feel the feeling. You're doing fantastic, I'm just looking my lunch box on seven years old, and I feel so disappointed. I'm looking at my lunch box on seven years old, and I feel so disappointed. Is there anything you can do to change the lunch box? No. I could steal some money from somewhere to buy the things I want or I could sell. It's swarpaulsty or something. How else is that little kid feeling?

1:06:19Buying sugar or getting it makes me feel...

1:06:29Makes me feel powerful. Sure. There's always been that underlying thing, because I could never have it. Yeah. As an adult, it's kind of like an expression of like my new autonomy. Yeah, of course. I can have whatever I want. So now I want you to go back to the little kid sitting on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunch box. I want you to say to me, that's not me anymore, because you need to tell me exactly why, just if I tell me why that's not you. So repeat after me that little kid on that little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunch box. That little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunch box.

1:07:07It's not me. It's not me. And will never be me ever again. Because. Because. I can have whatever I want now. You're not seven. Your mother doesn't provide your lunch every day, does she? No. And if she didn't, you hated it. Couldn't you go out and get whatever you want? Yeah. I want you. That's not me. That's not me. I'll never be seven. I'll never be seven. With a disappointing lunch ever again. I'll never be seven having less than other people ever again. That can't be me. That can't be me. I can have whatever I want now. I can have whatever I want now. And what I really want. And what I really want.

1:07:43It's to be indifferent to sugar. It's to be indifferent to sugar. And what you just think of the words that little kid needed here. You know better than me that when you were seven, eight, nine, ten, what you most needed to hear, what you most needed to feel that you were the same, that you were equal, that you had everything others had. And I want you to repeat some of those words. You can do it in your head or out loud. What are the missing words you've never heard and always wanted to hear? One of them was...

1:08:20You have the same resources and money and value as all of your friends. So say that little kid. You have the same money. You have the same amount of money. The same resources. The same resources. The same stuff everyone else had. The same stuff that everyone else had. You're smart. You're smart. And as you grow up. And as you grow up. You create everything for yourself. You create everything for yourself. You see chocolate doesn't free you from feeling that you can't have it. It actually reminds you. Far from solving your issues, it reminds you of that kid. It pulls you right back. It doesn't set you free.

1:08:59It pulls you back to that memory of that kid you could never have. I don't need to remember that anymore. I don't need to remember that anymore. Because that isn't me. Because that is it me. And that will never be me. And that will never be me. I can eat sugar every day for the rest of my long, gorgeous life. I can eat sugar every day for the rest of my long, gorgeous life. What I really require is complete and utter indifference. Is complete and utter indifference. Playing this recording, so my voice goes with you. You stay with you until soon. Don't even need this recording. It's wired and fired and coded into you.

1:09:35It's who you are, not what you do. And it makes you feel amazing. So knowing it, feeling it, believing it, being it, becoming it. Just slowly, calmly, easily just open your eyes. Come back into the room. How do you feel? Wow, I forgot where I was. I actually thought I was somewhere else. That's a great thing about hypnosis. You forget where you are. The critical factor shuts down. Some things only happen in hypnosis. The critical factor shuts down. It accepts things that can't accept consciously. What is going on now? What is going on? Well, your conscious mind is completely shut down. The subconscious that knows that the subconscious has always switched on.

1:10:18It's always on record. And it remembers everything. And your subconscious is accessing memories. But you're really getting the feeling. Because the thing is, it's not clear we don't get the feeling. It says we did this. You want to feel the feeling. It's like, I see. I'm trying to get the feeling. But I don't even need that feeling. I can be free now. Also time. I looked at the time. And so much time has passed. But it seems like five minutes. Yeah, it feels like it was just a few minutes. That's how you know hypnosis is so powerful. Because you lose all track of time. And time stops. But the subconscious mind, which is running the show, really takes over.

1:10:56Do you know what I'll do in this episode? This episode will take a couple of weeks to come out. So I'll do an insert. How I got on with it. Yeah, I'd love that. Q1 is often when businesses start implementing new systems and processes in hopes of creating efficiencies for the year ahead. And over the course of my career, I've learnt just how crucial having the right systems in places, one which has helped me across many of my investments is net suite. They're also a sponsor of this podcast. Net suite is the number one cloud financial system through their streamlined platform. You'll find all of your accounting financial management inventory and HR in one place.

1:11:31Their technology has been a real game changer, especially for my team at Flight Studio. As over the last year, we've moved out of startup mode and into scale at mode. We no longer have to juggle multiple systems and having everything together has reduced the number of manual tasks and errors. Over 41 ,000 businesses have chosen to future proof their business with net suite. So if you'd like to learn how it can help your business, head to netsweep .com slash Bartlett and free download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning. That's netsweep .com slash Bartlett. Thank you, Juppa Sugars. You must have so many case studies in your life of how hypnosis is just...

1:12:05So many people who did dietless life have said, you know, I don't eat sugar. I didn't even know it could be. Someone said, you know, I can't even have a cappuccino with a chocolate. I was like, oh no, sorry, you got to take that off because I'm simply so indifferent to sugar. And then you start to taste how fake it is, how horrible it is, because your body actually... Your body never says, hey, knock me out with sugar. The body hates it, it's the mind. Just like the mind might go for alcohol or drugs until you can get into the mind and say, you know, it's easy to make a better choice because you've chosen it.

1:12:36One of my... maybe one of my best friends in the world. I'm like six best friends. One of my best friends in the world can't eat basically anything. He's in his mid -verse, he's now. And for whatever reason, some psychological reason, he just can't... When we get a restaurant, he can't order anything. He never has. No, no, for 10 years. He basically only eats like a couple of things. And there's something going on where he thinks like, I don't know, the texture of other things. He basically eats like crackers, crisps, biscuits. I was in Dubai in February of the year called Sarah who could only eat meat.

1:13:07Couldn't eat anything else but meat. And I said, I can fix that in an hour. And I did. We went back to why. And now she eats everything cake past her because, for sure, she was in so much pain. And she did it straight away in one session. It was a game change. Right? Many kids, it's like, I can only eat cheese and white bread. But give him my number. I can change that in an hour. We have to. We tried so many things every years. You need to try the thing that works. Proper hypnosis. It works all the time because that magic only happens when you get into that network of intelligence. Can understand what's going on when you can send different messages to the feeling mind.

1:13:47Because you, it's no good doing it logically. It's like saying to an alcoholic, now come on. Have a lovely cup of tea. You don't need that alcohol. They look at you like your mad because logic can't defeat emotion because there's emotion about it. I can only eat crackers. It's so powerful. But you can find a better emotion. Where does that come from? What was going on? Like the emotion of that little Stephen saying, When I have the chocolate, I feel better. I feel more powerful. I feel the same as other people. And that was the driver. Now you can say, well, I don't need to do that. I'm already powerful and amazing and equal to all my friends.

1:14:19It took me to a place that I've not been before. I actually remembered things that I hadn't ever remembered. What kind of thing? The lunch box thing. I never really remembered my lunch box. That's a new thing which I'm coming from. It's on that hill during summer and just opening the lunch box. It's just this horrible thing. And the sourness. It's called learned helplessness and learned hopelessness. I can't accept this but I can't change it. I don't know. There's nothing I can do about it. Because you know, you don't want it's not the scene. It's the feeling within this. That's what you did. So beautifully that kid who felt powerless, frustrated, disappointed, but could do nothing.

1:14:54I could steal. And the shit. Yeah. Of course. But that's even that's okay. It all kids do that. But that wasn't really the thing that gave you. You could do it. But that wasn't really your choice. You wanted to have the money that Ashley had to go into the shop. You wanted the parents to say, here's the money going by. So I was going to lovely. But you didn't have that. But when you stole the stuff, you got the same feeling. But it was never really the same because you had the shame and the guilt and the blame attached it. Now you can let all of that go. So interesting. I've never actually felt like that before.

1:15:26I've never remembered so many things and time just seemed to stand still. And I realized things about my relationship with food that have been maybe locked up in the back room somewhere that I didn't realize. So thank you for that. Really, really powerful. It's my first time ever doing anything with hypnosis. But also the shame about the messy room where that comes from too. The same feeling that you couldn't fix it. One, of course, you can. You can say, I love putting stuff away. It was amazing. I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because it reminds me of home. So a messy room makes me feel comfortable.

1:15:58Or if it's the opposite. I've never been sure which one it is. Well, it's just, I think it because you lived in a messy home. It was familiar. It was easy. No one said tidy up, put that away. So if you're in the army, friends, you say, oh, no, I make my bed. And because you learn to certain way, but you learn the opposite, just everything's an amaze. So the two things that you learned is familiar. But it's also deeply disappointing because it makes you feel, oh, god, there's a mess again. And I can't fix it when the truth is you can't, you've always got a choice. The worst thing is I can't change it and I can't accept it.

1:16:32I can't change it. I can't accept it. I can't change it as I can't, you can't, okay? I can accept it. It's okay. I'm messy. And I love it. Like an artist or you can say, I can change it. But it's like, I can't change it and I can't accept it. Except it. My daughter loves living in a mess because she's an artist. She doesn't even see it. Or you can say, I can change it by changing how I think. Just say, I love putting stuff away. It makes me feel powerful. And if you say it enough, it will become real because your words create your reality. And if you don't like your reality, you don't have to change your way.

1:17:03You have to change the way you're speaking, which immediately changes your reality, which is completely shaped by your words. Marissa, thank you. You're welcome. We have a closing tradition where the last guest is usually for the next guest. The question affused, very good one, in fact, very, very relevant. If there was one sentence that everyone should believe about themselves, that would have the most positive impact on their life, what sentence is that? I'm enough. All my bracelets say it. I live it. I have created the I'm enough, which I'm so proud of. It would be, I am enough. I have so many schools having kids say that says, this has changed bullying in this school.

1:17:46It's changed the way kids before macadermity has changed the way they behave emotionally. They all have a little plaque on, and they have to say it. State it, if I remember it, I am enough. That's my favorite statement because it's the truth about everyone, but we just don't know it. We often think, well, I'm not enough. And if I'm not enough, I need more. More chocolate, more followers, more drinks, more shopping. I'm enough. It's a statement that can change your whole life if you state it, affirm it. And it was seen in. Marissa, thank you. Everyone that's listening to this now should definitely head over to your website because there's so much there, whether they want to be trained by you or whether they want to come to one of your events.

1:18:25I was in there rummaging around and actually ran out of time because there was so much so many resources. So much. So much. That's how I found the dieting stuff and the coaching stuff and events that you're coming up. And a lot of free stuff, too. We give away so much free stuff. And your YouTube channel is another example of where you're just giving away hundreds of videos of free. So thank you for the work you do. You're a huge inspiration to me. That's why I wanted to have you back on. But also it's my girlfriend who's actually upstairs and talks about you all the time. I can see her lovely.

1:18:51And she's, you know, training and doing several courses. I believe she's done some of yours as well. But you are a force for good in the world. Thank you so much. It's so wonderful to hear that your work is now moving into schools and the curriculum. It's so exciting. Incredible. Just incredible. Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it.

1:19:26Music Q1 is often when businesses start implementing new systems and processes in hopes of creating efficiencies for the year ahead. And over the course of my career, I've learnt just how crucial having the right systems in places, one which has helped me across many of my investments is NetSuite. They're also a sponsor of this podcast. NetSuite is the number one cloud financial system through their streamlined platform. You'll find all of your accounting financial management inventory and HR in one place. Their technology has been a real game changer, especially for my team at Flight Studio. As over the last year, we've moved out of startup mode and into scale at mode.

1:20:07We no longer have to juggle multiple systems and having everything together has reduced the number of manual tasks and errors. Over 41 ,000 businesses have chosen to future proof their business with NetSuite. So if you'd like to learn how it can help your business, head to netsuite .com slash Bartlett. And free download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning. That's netsuite .com slash Bartlett.