will.i.am Opens Up: “I Would Have Had Children 10 Years Ago!!!” Guilt, Shame, Depression, Creativity & ADHD!

0:29We've been set up to fail. But there's a cost to creativity, right? What's it like to be in your head? I'm always thinking, analyzing everything. Get it, get it, go, go, make it, make it. That's not good. That's not healthy. Why? You make errors, you hurt people. I remember I got into like a dark period when I felt something that I've never felt before. Just like distortion. People want you to fail. but the anxiety comes when you're worried about what people think when it's things that are happening that you didn't control you have to be optimistic you have to arm yourself with optimism and purpose that's what it's about that path was the hardest path in my life

1:22this is a window into the mind of a creative a divergent an entrepreneur artist and visionary someone we all know but at the same time someone we don't really know at all if you're a creative an artist an entrepreneur or someone with big ideas for the future or just someone that's struggling to balance your professional ambitions with your personal pursuits. This conversation was meant to find you. Enjoy.

2:03Will, I am fascinated with people. That is why I started doing this many years ago because I have I've come to learn about myself that I have a real desire to understand people because from that I think I can understand myself because I think at the kind of foundational level we're all quite similar as human beings because we're all related if we go back far enough so in a pursuit to understand you I guess my first question is um what is what is the context of Will that I need to know to understand the man that sat here in front of me today the earliest context the kind of kitchen that Will was um was was conceived in was was cooked in at the earliest age you write songs no i don't i write a lot but i don't write because you like uh i get interviewed a lot but very rarely do you get interviewed by wordsmiths um the kitchen i was stewed in cooked in pretty uh i like the visual of that um because the chef would be my mom and the kitchen will be the ghettos of east los angeles boil heights specifically And that was encouragement, acknowledgement of our individual, when I say our, my family, like we all have our little superpower.

3:24And my superpower was creativity. And creativity has always been my currency when I had no money. I clearly was like, oh, look, Ma, look what I made. Willie, that's really good. You really like that, Ma? Yeah. She would, encouragement goes a long way. And then that type of encouragement from my mom that helped create self-belief, fearlessness to express, to share, to go in class and solve problems or raise my hand. I got the answer to that. That's really what fueled me as my mom. Let Willie solve it. Let Willie try to fix that. you know this radio is broken try to fix it that type of stuff my mom salute did she know that you were creative or was she just um putting wind in whatever sail you'd pulled up my mom was creative my mom still is creative she had her sewing machine she would make her clothes to go to school that's why most of the clothes i make are still um you know one-offs two of two-offs I like wearing things that no one has because that's how I grew up.

4:40We would go to the thrift store, buy dollar clothes or 50 cent shirts. They would always be too big for me. My mom would fix them and turn old into new. That's how we lived. Willie, go to the store, take this food stamp, buy me a 25 cents bubble gum, get 75 cents back. And then you go to different stores, do the same thing. So now my mom has coins that she could go and buy other things with food stamps. Because with food stamps, you only could buy food. You can't buy needles. You can't buy thread. You can't buy fabric. You can't buy appliances. You only could buy food. So take this dollar. Give me 25 cents gum, which is food.

5:2375 cents chains back. Go to different stores and do that. Now let's go and buy other things. And so she'll buy those other things and she'll make stuff for us. so my mom has always been like super ultra creative so my mom is my biggest inspo i've heard you refer to her as being your mom and your dad yeah in your household so when you when you grow up in a in a household whether there's only the mom i'm like every father's day happy father's day mom thank you willie and happy mother's day mom in those contexts it's easy for a kid to go one of two ways though. And I think that's what people often don't realize is when you're in a context where outside of the house, there's a lot of temptations either way, but inside the house, it takes a really, really strong mother, if she is a single mother, to make sure she creates her own universe so that those kids can end up in a different place.

6:20And that's what I kind of read from a lot of the stories of your mother is that rigor and discipline and those values. Yeah, there was a, we had this next door neighbor in the projects and she couldn't read or write. And then people used to make fun of her. And my mom was like, now if we all went to Japan and we had to go out there and survive, are we not smart? Yes, we're smart. Could we survive out there? Yes, we could. Can we raise kids and raise families to go out and do awesome things in Japan? Yes, we could. But we will all go to Japan not being able to read or write. So the stigma that we put on folks that can't read and write, could they read people?

7:12Yep. Can they write a path to raise folks to go out into the world to do awesome things? Yes. So we value, my mom always valued humanity at its purest and people's intents and the things they want to accomplish before like you know cliche setbacks or and it's it was awesome that we were raised in all mexican neighborhood right so most people didn't redirect but they which was beautiful it's beautiful you know I love I love being raised in in East LA and uh we've we've we fit we fit it in is that right fit it in because I was gonna say fat in just like past it's a fit there goes there goes reading the rhyme for me no I'm joking what was your your yourself your self story at that age like what did Will think of Will who did you think you were and where did you think you were going in life when you were like 14 oh 14 it was set yeah 14 I wanted to do music I had these raps that I used to write and I had these demos that I used to make and I would go to school and I would give my demos to my my friends and one of my friends his name is Stefan Gordy his dad was Barry Gordy from Motown and I'm like yo give this to your dad check out my demo my sister had Teddy Rexman It's like this little teddy bear that had a cassette in its belly.

8:45And my mom gave that to my sister for Christmas. And for me, she gave me like a boombox. Two played cassettes. And she got herself a stereo. And that stereo had two cassettes and came with headphones. And so I got my mom's records. and I had a record player and two tape debts and a headphone. And I don't know what told me to take the headphone, put it in the microphone jack, take my sister's Barbie rockers tape, put tape over the left side of the cassette tape, record record over it, get my mom's record, play the favorite part, press unpause, record, pause it when my favorite part was over, play it again and make a loop put the tape in the play put another sister's um my sister's teddy ruxpin tape put it in there do the same thing record over it now press play on my loop that's for three minutes and rap over it take the the teddy ruxpin tape with my newly formed song over loops stereo loops put it in teddy ruxpin press play and make teddy ruxpin rap so my mom was like you did that boy i'm like yeah ma look she was like you should take that to class for your for a show and tell they were like wow william uh at that point in time i was william wow william that's really cool you did that yeah i did that the song was whatever um for a 10 year old um so then you graduate sixth grade at 12 so from from 10 11 12 it was clear that my elementary school i had like a different level of creativity so when i went to junior high school um it was clear what my superpower was i was creative and i wanted i wanted to uh express myself in that in that realm were you confident whatever however you define that and what i guess what i mean by confident is like securing oneself and confident in their abilities and social um value i guess it happened in in three steps i didn't know we were poor and then i found out we were poor and i found out we were poor when one year my teacher Miss Rich she said you gotta come to school with canned food and boxed food so we can give to the poor families and I come home I'm like my homework assignment tonight is to go to school I gotta pick through the cupboards and give canned foods and boxed foods for my homework assignment tomorrow she's like well you ain't going to school with no food I'm like mom but I'm gonna fail the class I'm going to get a fail on my grade.

11:50I have to turn this in. Well, I guess you're going to get a fail because you ain't leaving this house with no food. So I go to school empty-handed. I don't, you know, complete the assignment. Then I see the rich white kids coming up the corridor. I'm like, hey, what's up, Brent? What up, Brad? What you guys doing here? Yeah, we came here to bring the food to the poor family. I'm like, oh, really? So I start walking with them. And we go to my house. I'm like, wait, that food's for us? We qualified and the school gave us that food. That's when I realized we were poor. So I go back to school and they made fun of me for a couple of days.

12:35William, he's, William's poor. We dropped the food off in his house. This one girl comes up to me. She's like, William, are you poor? How can you be poor if you always wear suits to school? Because my mom used to make us wear suits. So it wasn't like a uniform school. It was like dress the way you want to dress. But my mom put me in suits every day. And so the kids were like, why do you always wear suits to school? How could you be poor? And my mom would say, you ain't going to school with no play clothes. You ain't going to school to play. You're going to school to learn. So you put on these.

13:10Like you go to church to learn about God. You're going to church to learn about life. And so put this suit on. So although there were like four or five people that were saying I was the poor kid that got the food. But then the rest of the kids were like, no, William's not poor. Look, he always wears suits to school. You guys are lying. That became my cloth to express yourself. because that drape, that attire separated me from the gang, separated me from you're poor, you're not, you're part of the have-nots. And expression, just wanting to express. Sometimes my mom used to say, Willie, what you doing?

13:57Nothing. Get your butt over here. What's wrong, mom? What did I say about saying the word nothing? Even if you're sitting there breathing, say I'm breathing, or you're thinking about something, you don't got no business saying you doing nothing. So we would have to say what we were doing. We couldn't say nothing because you're never doing nothing. Even if you're breathing, even if your heart's beating, whatever you're thinking of. You know, what you thinking about? Nothing. Well, you need to start thinking about something. She didn't settle for that. You know? So let's talk about creativity then because this is what you're really, I mean, this is one of the many things.

14:31you're really, really known for. So is it possible to become more creative? And how does that happen? Okay. Let's say it's 1983. Yeah. Let's go to the past now. I was minus nine. Or if you're 1993. Okay, I was one. If you're in 1993 and you're a musician, the way to be more creative is to look at prints. look at prince because prince was like the ultimate creative force and the way prince became creative is he looked at stevie wonder he's like wait he plays the keyboards the drums the bass he writes the songs okay and stevie wonder was ultra creative because he looked at marvin gay he looked at ray charles but looking from a different perspective obviously because Stevie Wonder can't see.

15:29But he felt he was inspired by, he was motivated by. So if you want to be creative, more creative, you have to, one, compete. You have to be super analytical on yourself and who you're competing against. You have to be elevated. You have to take yourself from where you are now and position yourself and see the terrain. You have to be curious, humble, and a predator all at the same time. You have to do all those things to be ultra hyper creative. You have to be humble until you walk in the room and you attract. Because nobody wants to freaking send perspectives to a dick, to an arrogant ass. At some point in time, if you're too arrogant, people stop sending you information.

16:31People don't, they want to see you. They want you to fail. And they start sending you information for you to fail when you're arrogant. So you got to get rid of that. Be humble. You have to be a predator. You have to walk into a room ready to eat.

16:51But you can't eat everything. Because then you have to be selective on what you eat. What about hard work? Hard work? Hard work is relative because to some, well, this is not hard work. This is just what I do. My pinky to my lung. My pinky thinks my lung is working hard. because I have to tell my pinky when to move my mind. My mind has no control over my lungs. My lungs are working involuntarily. If I tell my lungs to stop, I could do that. But then it's going to kick in on its own. My heart's even more involuntary. I can't will like, okay, stop. Stop now. Stop. You've been beaten for freaking 48 years.

17:40I mean, you need to take a break. It's what it does. And you cannot, yeah, you can meditate, you can slow your heart rate down, but you can't make it stop, bro. So hard work is relative to what organ or who or what environment you're working in. And then there's tools. What tools do you need to be hyper creative? You need a humble heart. You need a fierce, competitive predator type of vibe as well. You have to be disciplined because you can't eat everything. You have to be elevated. You have to see everything. And you have to be magnetic. You have to attract everything. What about failure and then also the goals of creativity?

18:24Because I think the two things are kind of linked. So fear, failure, and then what is the goal of creativity? Because if I set myself, I've just started learning to DJ about a year ago. And if my goal is to become the biggest DJ in the world, that might make me fearful. it's a huge mountain to climb and that might make me scared of failure so i might not start but real creatives seem to from what i've observed they don't seem to really give much of a fuck about the outcome as much as other people do and i so what is the you know what is the right goal for creativity and how does what role does fear and failure play in being a good creative the reason why you're fearful is because you're worried about what people think it's true and And if you're worried about what people think, then maybe true creative is not what you are.

19:11You just got the costume of creative on. Because creativity, when you're creating and it's like a rinse, whether the rinse, a sponge absorbs. And eventually you got to rinse it out so it can absorb more. Do you think a sponge is like, oh, man, I don't want people to judge how I'm rinsing myself out or I'm going to make a mess? A sponge ain't thinking about that. People are like, are you talking about SpongeBob, Will? Like, no, bro, I'm talking about just like the metaphor of absorbing and rinsing. Or let's say vomiting. It's powerful. You can't control it. And that's creativity. And some people will be like, yeah, that's right, Will.

19:58the stuff you make is like vomit. You make me want. No, if that's what you think, I don't care. I have to let it out. It's like shitting. Now, people could say, yeah, well, I am your shit. It's like shit. But I'm going to ask you, which farmer does not need manure to grow and cultivate? You need it. You cannot farm without it. You can't grow anything without it. it's like cycles of life and creativity is that the more the moment you start worried about people's opinion then you definitely by default are not a creative you're doing it for the wrong reasons what is the right reasons to let it out to rinse yourself it's like you absorb you rinse nothing you've said is about the impact it then has on the world or others well no that's a different tool.

20:57Right. And then once you, once you really, once you mastered, like I absorbed, I rinse and that becomes therapeutic. And you see in how that helps you. Then you're like, wow, wait, if it's helping me, well, then I can be strategic and I could do something to help others. First, it has to help you. You make sense of the world and whatever it is you're doing, whether you're painting, you're cooking, you're teaching, you're tutoring, you're making songs, you're making dance, you're writing films, you're doing journals, whatever it is you're doing, you would have absorbed the world and rinsed and contributed in some way that brings progress to yourself and others.

21:48Relationships. What role do you, because I didn't get into relationships until I was like really until I was like 28 again I thought it was a hindrance on my chances of professional success and then at some point I felt lonely I didn't know what loneliness really was but I just could feel something what's the point you know when you have this mission I'm I'm mission driven I'm like what are we trying to accomplish what am I trying to accomplish 10 years from now What's my five-year plan? What's my 10-year plan? How did I do my last five-year tenure?

22:28And if there's someone that can help you, that you could relate to, to help you ship this vision in your mind to the future, i have a different understanding of relationship it's like because you want to relate with someone that you could ship things with whether you're shipping in a pcu to the future or you're shipping a pcu to the future and if you could relate to that person to help you on your journey that's awesome it all depends on what you're shipping what's it like to be in your head i know that's hard because you've never been in someone else's but you know you probably figured out from conversations that there's you think in a different way yeah so thinking a lot i think a lot i'm always thinking not about nothing i'm always thinking about something like it's very rare that i'm just sitting around like Oh, wow, look at that chandelier.

23:43I'm thinking like, I wonder how they made, how much that weigh, what a material is that? Like, I'm always thinking and analyzing everything. I'm like a scanner. Every time. Every moment. And that can be overbearing to someone you're in a relationship with. That could close them up. That can like, wait, wait. that that's not good that's not healthy and uh and i realized that took a long time for me to realize that where i gotta turn that off i didn't know there was an off switch is there one no there's not an off switch but there is like a volume knob volume knob okay um but uh I don't know how to not, like, wait, say that again?

24:44I don't know how to just take, especially with somebody you're in a relationship with, I don't know how to take, like, oh, we're just at the beach the whole time? You don't want to go down to explore to see how deep this ocean is? You just want to chill here on the beach. like yo let's go down to the let's go to try to find the crevices let's go down deep deep deep deep and that's ain't no less your sunbathe it's just stay on the beach and that's cool if i'm not a beach guy i'm a deep diver i'm a freaking i like the abyss i like to be like yo look what in the what look at that i like that i like to freaking explore i like to research i like to explain like oh wait this doesn't make any sense at all let's try to make sense of it all let's try to make sense of it right i like that i love that you have adhd right you've referred to it as the gift of adhd it's funny because i'm trying to figure out your relationship with stillness and silence doesn't seem i mean from what you've said we're assuming that an electron and a proton and a neutron all have the same tasks and goals so the electron that i am the concept of stillness and silence is you have no purpose because the whole purpose of an electron is to do that that seems exhausting cost of that if you're coming from the perspective of the proton looking at the electron whiz around it but you got to know who you are in the equation i'm the electron that's cool you kick it there neutron state it's cool you steal but the proton has something the electron doesn't have and the pro and the electron has something the protein doesn't have but they're not supposed to do the same thing and they both have costs and like they have a good like a light side and a cost and a gift do they so i think of like i've been i'm i would say i'm more whizzing around electron generally so i'm just playing devil's advocate here because when i've when i've come into my girlfriend's proton world where things may be a little bit stiller there has been gifts to that there's been gifts to that and i hear everything you're saying about to be in a relationship you need to be able to lay on the beach i can't lay on the beach but i know that's what my girlfriend wants of me she wants me to be present with her and not to think about the future and to think about where we are right now.

27:24Yeah, but there's a way to do it from an electron perspective. How? It's to really look at the word relationship and relate. Even though you can't relate, you have to have empathy, understanding of what their contribution is and support.

27:49and be there. So from the perspective of the electron, it is steel for the electron. You think the electron's like, man, I'm tired. I'm tired of whizzing around you the whole time. That's not what's going on in the electron's mind. To the electron, I'm steel, and I am still going around. It's all the perspective of the word steel. There's steel. And then there's constant steel. Which steel are you? Are you the one that's steel? And you're just like steel. S-T-E-E-L. And you're steel. Or are you still? And that is still moving. Still at it. No matter how you look at it, it's still steel. Because from the perspective and the empathy of that electron moving, It is still.

28:45From the POV of who's viewing it, it's moving. But to the electron, I am still. And I will still be moving and gravitating around you. And I can still think and add to your life as I do the things that I do to add to life. But the moment you stop doing what you're doing, then it's no longer relationship. because they can't relate to what you're doing and what you're adding. And now you're conforming and changing when maybe that's not what you were supposed to do. Or maybe you weren't candid and forthcoming enough to make true understanding, to stand under the circumference and know the ledge of what it is you do together.

29:40You speak of almost like a recent epiphany when you say like realizing that there was this off button even though you don't think the off button's necessarily there what where do you sit now with the the concept of finding like a life partner and getting married and having kids and all that stuff and is there work to be done is it finding the right person or is it an inward piece of work that needs to be done in your view and is it something you you want i want to have kids i i'm i'm going to be an awesome dad if you would asked me this uh 10 years ago i would have a different answer really why has it changed and what is it now and what was it then that you don't do a family until you completed the ultimate well my version of ultimate my my version of ultimate is to be able to be of assistance and help and provide and service folks that resemble the lifestyle that i lived the hardships that i lived without having to ever raise money ever again 10 years ago yeah yeah what i know now i would have had a kid you would have had a kid 10 years ago if i know what i know now yes why i was moving too fast and i thought the only way to get up the mountain is to move the way i moved when i was at the foothill to get to the middle of the mountain and now that i'm up the mountain you're thinking that i'm doing i'm gonna do it by myself still

31:27and the purpose of me getting up the mountain was to take care of my mom that was my motivation that was my gas that was my electricity that was my energy to take care of my family hunter gatherer to go out and bring back to the village i didn't know what i didn't know then now that i know would i be able to get up to mountain with family and offspring to take the information that i have and pass it on i have knowledge here have knowledge of my DNA, who do I pass it to

32:07if something were to happen to me? It's like different type of knowledge that you just don't say to someone. It's in me. It's stored in me. Somebody gave me this. Your mom. And my grandma. And my grandma's grandma. And my grandma's grandma. That person had a different life. My grandma was born in 1920. My grandma's grandma was born in 18-something? That means it hadn't. Wow. That person was working in the field, in somebody's factory, in some unknown company, but in America just called it slavery? That wasn't that long ago. But that information was passed on to me. Passed on to me. Resilience, tolerance, hope, living in a different world.

32:56so your offspring can have a different life. I'm a recipient of that. But when you're hustling and bustling, you think that, oh, no, I got to wait to the ultimate. Was I wrong? Now that I can look back at my... He was wrong. But I was right, but still wrong. would I be a would I be further along in my journey a little bit more organized yes why because something would have forced me to be organized it's not just for myself now even though it was never for myself it was always for my mom and my family I would have had even more regiment I would have had even more streamlined find aerodynamics so that i could you know you know cut through corners you know and uh make tighter turns keep the downwinds it would be a little bit more aerodynamic had i you know so yeah nothing will stop you if you have kids probably just going to motivate you more but I couldn't see that back then.

34:17But I'm going to be an awesome dad when I'm a dad. But I want to be a full-time dad. And I realized that I don't have to be the juggler anymore. Before I had to do it all because no one really believed. and so i always had to prove i had to like be the creative understand business sit in the business meetings co-manage come up with the artwork execute the artwork learn illustrator learn photoshop do the album artwork hand it off to somebody else to fine-tune what you sketched up um plan the tour with your manager i had to do it all but probably because a part of me didn't trust that someone cared as much as I cared.

35:14But now,

35:20I don't have to do it like that anymore. I've got to a point where now I could assemble teams and fund teams. Now, I'm the financier. I don't have to worry about somebody's financing me. That's a different, that's like, that's an exhale. And so with that exhale, when I'm a dad, I could be a full-time dad. As my understanding of full-time, which I'll still be working. Just not working the way I'm working now. I don't want to work the way I used to work. Why? Not anymore. Not anymore. I was a proton for the planet. and just going around the planet. The longest I've been home since 1998

36:18was all of the majority of 2002 and then the majority of 2020, like everyone else. Outside of those two years, the longest that I've been in one place it's been two months since 1998 gotta go here for two months see you later be back two weeks gotta go got and i've been doing that since night i don't want to do that no more so you're speaking to a changed perspective and i'm wondering because for me in my life there had to be a symptom there had to be something i noticed where i go do you know what i'm doing something not right here so for me i talked about it being that kind of almost this feeling of loneliness that i didn't realized was the feeling of loneliness it was this emptiness in my chest when you go to the office seven days a week and then you look at your phone and go who are my friends like who is my partner like tuning out of survival mode tuning out of that and tuning into like thrive like how do i thrive as a human being is what made me shift so really i'm curious about the symptoms that you noticed in your life that made you go i don't want to do that anymore oh but i never had that what you explained no i had my best friends that i grew up with and we lived our dream to the highest level imaginable kids that were broke apple my best friend who who came from the philippines who i started black eyed peas with he comes from a province in the philippines where he He pumped water out the ground.

37:53He washed his clothes on the riverbed. He farmed rice with his pet bison. He experienced a different level of poverty. Taboo, single mom. His dad was in the gangs. And we started the Black Eyed Peas and we lived the, what? Wait, how do we do this, guys? No one believed in us? now we're playing super bowls world cups multiple grammys taking care of our families no bro like this is the biggest blessing one could imagine loneliness how can i be lonely i'm with my best friends so why change because i live 10 years from now i've always seen 10 years from now always I don't know what it was but when I was 13 I'm like I'm gonna buy you a house how old was I when I bought my mom a house a little off I was 26

38:59I wanted to do it but I still did it then 10 years from there I was like ma how about everyone else and we still, our aunts, our uncles, our aunt, our grandma, we're still in the projects. We're still going back to the projects on holidays. We need to do a whole exodus. She was like, that's what you want to do. So we moved everybody out. And when I got everyone else out, I'm like, well, I got to go back to the neighborhood because there's people that we grew up with and they have kids now. We started a robotics program there. Started a computer science program there and a college prep program so that when they graduate college, they have skills that are needed, not just send kids to college so that when they graduate, they have debt and a diploma.

39:50So we did that. And there's purpose. So I want to be purposeful. So if I could see 10 years from now, okay, at some point in time, my tenure looking around the corner, one day I'll be 70 one day I'll be Tom Jones age I'll be 80 I'm like I just stop I don't pass it on that's what happens here no that's not responsible you know that's not a responsible thing to do So you got to pass on knowledge. You got to pass on gifts. For me, it's a gift. The little kid on the bike. You know, I have good intentions. I want to, it's all for the good.