The Intentional Path to Work-Life Balance

0:00Hey, everybody. It's Nick. And I know that it's been a little quiet here on this feed, but I wanted to pop in and let you know that some exciting exciting things are happening. and just to kind of get our muscles back in shape, I thought I'd play an old episode here from June of 2022 called The Intentional Path to Work-Life Balance. And this is a memorable episode for me because this is a conversation between Michael and his wife, Gail. And you get to hear sort of what is the life of somebody who's working too much, the life of somebody who's figured out that balance. How does family play into all of this?

0:36How does family support each other? So there's a lot of great stuff in here just for most of us who are living our lives and trying to make it work. So don't go anywhere. Fun things happening here on this feed. And just wanted to let you know that this was an old episode. So enjoy. So I came bounding through the back door with this big fat check in hand, knowing that it was going to blow your socks off and you were going to be so impressed with me. And I showed it to you. And I mean, in fairness, you're usually my biggest cheerleader. Yeah. But you kind of weren't impressed. You kind of looked at it and kind of gave me a half smile and said, we need to talk.

1:16And I knew in my heart of hearts that I was in trouble.

1:24Hi, I'm Michael Hyatt. And I'm Gail Hyatt. What? Yep. That's right. Megan Hyatt Miller is not with us this week, but her mother is. And I promise you, this is going to be a very interesting show because we're going to be talking about the whole life impact of work-life balance. And to keep me honest, I've got my wife of 43 years here. So here's the deal. Actually, it's really close to 44. That's true. I mean, just a few more weeks. Like six weeks. All right. So we recently surveyed and discussed in a previous episode more than 200 full-focus planner users who identified as high achievers. And about half said they work more than 50 hours a week, even though only 18 % said their employers expected that of them.

2:14So in other words, this isn't required. This is something they've just decided that they want to do. They want to work that much. That doesn't surprise me. In a sense, it doesn't mean either. And I bet you, and these are people who work for other people, right? And so people who work for themselves, it's got to be even higher than that. Yeah, no doubt. Well, when I talk with business owners, when they start our business accelerator program, they often struggle here and usually to a greater degree, just as you're pointing out, Gail. But every business owner I know does struggle with this whole thing of work-life balance.

2:49I mean, it just seems like there's so much to get done and there's so little time to do it. So when the success of your business is on your shoulders, you put your back into it, right? But this often comes at the cost of the people closest to you. And I certainly made that mistake for a decade or so in our early life. So this conversation is going to range over a wide range of topics. We kind of have an outline to go by, but we're not going to stick too close to that because I think the peeps want to hear from you, Gail. Yeah. Well, I might have some things to say. All right. Okay. So here's what we're going to talk about.

3:27We're going to talk about three truths about work-life balance.

3:43Okay. Do you want to say what they all are or are you going to just gradually go in? No, no, no. One at a time. They have to stick with it to get all three. That's exactly right. I learned that from Ken Davis. Don't give the whole outline because if you do, you break the tension and nobody wants to stay with you to the end. There's so much to come. Stay till the end. Truth number one, work-life balance is distributive. What do we mean by that? Well, it's your work-life balance is distributed among a lot of different domains. So you've got work, you've got family, you've got health, you've got vocation.

4:21vacation, you've got spiritual, you've got mental, all the different domains of your life. Yeah. And they're all interrelated. Like your health determines the quality of your relationships or your ability to focus at work and to actually get stuff done. And so I think that one of the mistakes that I made early in my career, and I just didn't know any better, was that I kind of thought life was work. And then whatever was left over from work could be distributed to whatever was left. I think that's a good word, leftover, because it's not a good experience, but it's an accurate word to describe how most people live.

5:02And the people that you love the most, the most important in your life or other activities, they get your leftovers. Do you want to describe what that was? Typically, that's what most people experience. So we had a reckoning, you and I, in about 2001. At that point, we'd been married, what, almost 25 years? Describe what it was like to be raising five daughters, to be living with me, with somebody who was consumed with their career. Well, before I answer that question, I think it might be helpful to take you into my brain a little bit about what I was - That's a scary thought. What I was trying to grasp as a newly married woman.

5:48So let's go say even back before. Yeah, I want to go back even farther, like when we were first married. Because one of the things that attracted me to you was that you were very ambitious. I knew you would succeed at whatever you decided to do. And so in order for that to happen, you had to work really hard. And so the first several years of our marriage, you were really pouring yourself into your career. And you would get there early in the morning. I remember you would talk about getting there so early that there were no other cars in the parking lot. And if anybody else came in after you and they were to put their hand on the hood of your car, your car would already be cold.

6:31So it was just you were the first one there. You were the last one to leave. And you worked really hard. And as a result, you kept getting promoted. And all of that was great because you have a lot of opportunities that were given to you. But with all those opportunities came a lot of pressure. And then with a lot of pressure, also at the same time, opportunities were coming. A lot of obligations were coming as we started having a family and all that kind of stuff. All that thrown in together, mixed up together equals stress. Yes. And so there was a lot of stress in your life, which overflowed into me and into our family.

7:12And so it was hard. But what was interesting is I kept trying to say to myself, why is winning at work important? And because if I understood the why behind why you were working so hard, then that would help me to accept it and to support it and all those kinds of things. And so what I realized is you've got to pay the bills. We had five children in 10 years. We'd been married about a year and a half, almost two years when we had our first child. And then by the time we'd been married 12 years, we already had five children. Then we figured out what was causing it. So just to put that in perspective, our fourth daughter, Madeline, just had her first baby.

7:56And she and Sean, her husband, have been married for 10 years. And so they had 10 years to adjust to work, to adjust to their marriage and all that stuff before adding children into the mix. Well, we didn't. We just everything was happening all at the same time. It was crazy. And it was really, really crazy. And so but I but I kept thinking, OK, you need to be able to provide for your family. You need to be able to realize your goals and your career goals and things like that. I wanted you to have a sense of contribution. You wanted to make sure you were contributing in this world with your job.

8:35And so when you're winning at work, all of that is happening and you're helping people. At that time, you were in the publishing business. And so you were publishing books that were really helping people. So there's a lot of good reasons to win at work. Well, I would say the other thing too, is that I had convinced myself and I convinced you, and looking back on it, this was kind of the great lie, that at any given point when you would start to complain, I would just remind you and I would remind myself that that situation was temporary, right? And that's going to come up in a minute. Okay. So hang on to that.

9:13You got your own outline. I've got my own outline. Okay. So I want to tell it now. Well, okay. Well, what I wanted to also say is, but succeeding at life, the other half of the equation, which we really weren't thinking about in those early years, like that just wasn't even on the radar. We were surviving and you were succeeding. You know, those are kind of the two things. There wasn't win and win. And so, but what I've come to realize and what you teach is that succeeding at life is important because, as you mentioned, number one, it affects your relationships. If there's a lot of stress, if you're tired when you come home and I get the leftovers, then that does not help to build the relationship and make us closer.

9:59It didn't help with the kids. It didn't help with the friends that we had. Everything just kind of got the leftovers. And so when you succeed at life, the relationships are way, way better. Your health is way, way better. You have talked about in other podcast episodes about how you had these heart attack scares. And to my knowledge, you had three separate ones that ended you up in the hospital. That's right. But none of them turned out to be actual heart attacks, but they were stress-induced. Panic attacks. and really scary. And so that affects your ability to perform and all of that. It affects when your health is suffering, it affects your energy level.

10:46You eat a lot. You eat a lot of the wrong kinds of foods. You put on weight that makes you even more lethargic or unhealthy. And you know what else I remember about those early years is you were sick a lot. Like every winter, you'd get bronchitis. You just were suffering from digestive issues and back pain. It seems like a lot of that kind of stuff. All stress induced, which again points to this fact that life is interconnected. And when we create sort of this worldview that says work is the only domain and everything else is like a barnacle on the ship, then those areas suffer. And in fact, it begins to back up into your work.

11:29So those times when I had those heart attack scares, and I went to the emergency room or whatever, I mean, if even for just a day, like I was knocked out of work, because then they had to do all these tests and all this stuff to find out that, oh, no, that was, it wasn't a heart attack, it was something else. And it wasn't just to complete the story there. It wasn't until I finally went to a cardiologist who ran me through a whole battery of tests, who said to me, your heart's fine. Tell me what's going on in your life. Tell me what's going on in your life because I think there's something else that's the cause of these panic attacks.

12:00And he told me, he said, 30 % of the people that he sees as a cardiologist who thought they had a heart attack or who thought they might be having a heart attack, it turned out to be a panic attack. Yeah. And that's completely stress-induced. So, anything else you want to say about the sort of the interplay of these things? No. I think that's a good summary of where we were. And then many years later, as we're trying to navigate all of this, you started recognizing that something could be different, that there was a different way. Well, that wasn't until we had this reckoning. Okay. That's true.

12:39We did have a reckoning. We did have a reckoning. And the reckoning came after I had taken responsibility. This was like the biggest promotion I'd ever gotten. I finally became the publisher of an actual publishing company. So I was running one division of Thomas Nelson's 14 divisions. And I had the opportunity to turn this division around. It was the worst performer in the entire company. At first, that kind of discouraged me. And then I thought, whoa, this is an opportunity to be a hero. And I really can't screw it up. Because I couldn't make it worse. It was already last. Yeah. Right? So I created a division with my team.

13:16We rolled up our sleeves. I was traveling constantly, working 60, 70 hours a week, traveling even on the weekends, not eating well, eating out, eating fast food a lot. And it paid off in a way because after 18 months, we went from number 14 to number one. I ended up with the biggest bonus check I'd ever received in my life, more than my annual salary. My team ended up with big fat bonus checks too. We were flying high as a kite. And I couldn't wait to get home and share it with you. Now, just a little secret thing here. I'm an Enneagram 3. Achiever. On the StrengthFinders test, Achiever is my number one strength.

13:53So this was like feeding my personality because I accomplished what I felt like at the time was the ultimate thing. I turned this division around. So I came bounding through the back door with this big fat check in hand, knowing that it was going to blow your socks off and you're going to be so impressed with me. And I showed it to you. And I mean, in fairness, you're usually my biggest cheerleader. But you kind of weren't impressed. You kind of looked at it and kind of gave me a half smile and said, we need to talk. And I knew in my heart of hearts that I was in trouble. I wished I had journaled about it or could go back and read a journal because it'd be interesting to know what else was happening at that time.

14:39Because you're right, normally, I am your biggest cheerleader. And I want to be there to say, you can do this. You have what it takes. You've got this. And yet something at that time was happening that really showed me that it came at a huge cost. Well, I want to recount what I heard you say. And you can correct this for the record if this is wrong. But here's what I heard. We sat down. You were very gracious. but I could tell this was a very serious moment. There was emotional intensity in this conversation. And you said to me, you said, I want to be excited for you. And for sure, I'm grateful for all the ways that you provide for our family.

15:26But I've got to be honest with you. You're never home. Yeah. And like, I started to feel defensive. And then you said, and your five daughters need you now more than ever. And then what I remember is you kind of tearing up, starting to cry a little bit, and then saying, honestly, I feel like a single mom. Yeah. And even though I felt defensive and I wanted to defend myself, in my heart of hearts, I knew you were right. And at that moment, I just wanted to quit. Well, I think, first of all, I think being a single mom is the hardest job on the planet. No kidding. And we've had a heart for single moms for as long as I can remember.

16:13And so for me to actually say something like that, that's big. It was a reckoning. That's big, big, big. And I faced at that moment what I've subsequently come to call the impossible choice. Because on the one hand, there's you and the girls. And if you were to ask me what my values are, what my priorities are, theoretically you guys come before work, right? Right. But the reality was just the opposite. My work was basically squeezing out all the oxygen or taking up all the oxygen in the room and there was barely anything left for you guys. So I had you on the one side and the girls and on the other side of it, and this is why I call it the impossible choice, was my team, my work, the expectations of my boss, the need to provide for the family, to save up for college and all the different things you have to do, weddings with five daughters, all that stuff.

17:08And I was really discouraged for a while because I didn't know, couldn't find a way out. And I can remember talking to John Maxwell, who was one of my authors and had become a personal friend at that point. And I said, John, I think I need an executive coach. And I kind of framed it up like I just needed help with some work-related stuff. But I really needed help to solve this conundrum that I was in. And I can remember me going to Daniel Harkavy, who was my very first executive coach. And I described the talk in the den that I had with you. And he said, well, tell me about your work day. And I described to him that typically I would leave the office around six or seven, come home, eat a quick meal with the family.

17:47And then I would crack open the laptop and keep working. And then I would work on the weekends and I worked through vacations. You know, usually I'd allow a little time in the middle of the day for the family, but I was up early on vacations working because I didn't want to fall behind. And I was on this constant treadmill. I think Daniel is the first person that introduced you to this idea of the double win. Absolutely. Because he started, we started working on a life plan. Yeah. And he said to me, and this was, I think. He helped you to see there was about these different domains that you were a total person comprised of all these different aspects of you and not just a working machine.

18:27And he helped me get a vision for those different things. And I can remember him saying at one point, he said, you know, you're meant to be more than a human doing. You're a human being. And so he said, I really think that a great way for you to feel progress in this is to go ahead and establish some boundaries around work. Because he said the difference between a river and a swamp is that a river has banks. There's a controlled flow. It's going somewhere. But a swamp is just the water going everywhere. And that's what your work is right now. So I remember making the commitment to him that I would end work at 6 o 'clock, that I wouldn't work on the weekends, and I wouldn't work on vacations.

19:06and I can remember him saying to me, well, great. Are you committed to that? I said, yeah. And he said, okay, then you won't mind me calling Gail periodically to check in on your, your progress. And he did. Yeah. He did call me. He would say, okay, I want to hear how's Michael doing? You know, and I'd give him the good, bad and the ugly. That was so good. But it was a lot more good back then than, than it did. Well, because I had the accountability. Yeah. That was what helpful. That's what was helpful. So I would say to those of you who are struggling with this issue, one of the best ways that you can begin to see progress is establish boundaries around your work.

19:39And you'll say, and this is counterintuitive, you say, but how will I get it all done? Well, the thing about a boundary, and it's kind of like having that boundary of quitting work before you go on a vacation. You know, you got to get all this work done and you're uber productive on that Friday before you leave on a one week vacation. That can be every day if you have a boundary on it. So you make better choices, you prioritize your work, you get the important stuff done. And that is exactly, I'll put a little plug in here and I'm not being paid for this, but that's exactly why you created the full focus system because the planner and all the things that relate to it and all the...

20:16Free to focus. Everything that you do is really designed and has the tools in order to make that possible for somebody.

20:47Okay, so truth number one, work-life balance is distributive. Truth number two is that... You want to do that? Go to that one? Yeah, this is the last one. Okay. I'll tell you why in a minute. It's kind of... No, I get it. Yeah, I can see that. Truth number two is that work-life balance is determined. What do we mean by that? Well, you have to determine that you are going to make it happen. You've got to cause it to happen. You can't just expect it to just naturally appear. That it's an intentional decision, a strategic move on your part to bring this balance into effect. I like what you said about it's caused.

21:30It's a cause thing. It's not accidental. Nobody stumbled into balance and said, oh, amazing. I have this amazing balance in my life now. No, it's something that you have to be determined and make some decisions. Yeah. And avail yourself to tools that enable you to do that. Yeah. And I think that's one of the things I've figured out in life is that you don't have to figure out everything on your own. Somebody else somewhere has figured out the solution to the problem that you're struggling with. And one of the reasons I believe in coaching is that coaching helps you go further faster. This is why I've had a series of executive coaches over the last 20 years, all of whom have shortened the learning curve, made it less steep, made it faster, easier, cheaper to get to the destination I want.

22:20And so, again, you have to start with the decision. And sometimes, and this was my case after we had the reckoning in the den, is once I decided I was going to get work-life balance, then the resources show up. That's right. And it's going to look really different for everybody who's listening. You know, if you have a lot of children, if you're a single person, if you're young, if you're older, if you're whatever. I mean, if you're in business for yourself, if you work for somebody else, there's a lot of different ways that this is going to look for people. but it's possible, absolutely possible for everybody.

23:00That's good. One of the things I want to clear up is a myth about work-life balance. I think we assume, nobody would say this out loud because it sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud, but we kind of assume that work-life balance means that we give the same amount of time and attention and apply the same amount of resources to every domain of our life. That's a good point. But that's just silly. No, we apply the appropriate amount of time and attention and resources to the various domains of my life. For example, I'm working six hours today. Yeah. Right? But I will probably spend an hour and a half with you tonight, you know, maybe two hours because I'm going to, I'll probably work out.

23:35I'll do a few other things and we'll sit, we'll talk, we'll have dinner together. I don't need to spend six hours with you for me to have work-life balance. Because if I gave six hours to everything - An hour and a half is about all I can handle right now.

23:52We have a great marriage and that's one of the reasons why.

24:01Okay, so work-life balance is determined. Truth number three, work-life balance is dynamic. It's not static. The natural state of things is for them to be out of alignment. and things, and maybe this, I'm way out over my skis on this, but you know, one of the laws of physics is that things tend toward disorder. What is that? The third law of thermodynamics? I don't know. But at any rate, it applies in your life. Things go from balance to imbalance and it takes energy and effort to keep things in balance. Now we had the great reckoning and then I worked hard to get things in balance, did they stay in balance?

24:44Nope. They fluctuated. There were seasons of more intensity on your work time. I think that that's one of the things that was kind of hard to get used to because I did expect that everything, if we follow this particular method, that everything would be balanced, everybody would be happy and live happily ever after. but crises come up. There's all kinds of things that interrupt and cause you to have to focus more on one thing than another thing. So there's a lot of fluctuation. Like I said, there's seasons where you are focusing more on one thing than another, but it's kind of like, you know, where you're starting, you know, where you end up.