Adult Work DESTROYED My Life: The Pain Nobody Talks About

31:12Trying to come across serious, but you've got a dildo in your hand. I mean I'm just picturing me doing that thinking like fuck yeah I mean again I actually just want to hug her because it was quite you know I was in Ibiza I was with a load of girls like we were definitely all laughing it wasn't much of a serious thing but I mean to then have to post that online and then to let other people see that um you know it's a good paycheck for me at the time But again, I just reflect on who she was in order to be able to say yes to these things and what she'd accept and how I add very to little morals or respect for myself.

31:55So on that note of self-respect with the OnlyFans thing, how far did you actually push that? How explicit did your material become? so I met my um ex-fiancé in Dubai and he was living a very crazy life to me so he openly admitted that he was he would refer to himself as a porn star so already that was kind of like whoa and then I think because someone was in that industry that was kind of still interested in because a lot of men would be like I'm not feeling the only fans thing whenever I'd meet them he was all for it because obviously he was going the extra mile anyway um so when he kind of showed me that attention and love he literally wrapped me straight away and was like right you're coming with me it was like instantly I never returned home after I met him in Dubai I flew straight to Thailand and went and lived over there for a few years why Thailand because Dubai was a bit too flashy and I didn't really like it I've always kind of been like a jungle girl and loved nature and stuff.

33:00I'd experienced Thailand before and because it was during COVID it was like the next best place that wasn't locked down as much. So this guy that you that you got with I'm assuming if he was a porn star you then started pushing the boundaries with him on OnlyFans. Yeah so when I met him he obviously you know said to me that we could be like this this couple that could. Power couple. Yeah that would be able to make a lot of money. I was already making good money for or someone who had never took certain layers off, you know, I was. What were you making before you took the shift to the next level?

33:37I remember making my first ever 10 grand in 24 hours. That was just from a private customer alone because he just like wanted to see a little bit more and he got the first ever. But I would say like regularly, yeah, between 10 to 15 for not taking more layers off. I mean, I would love to make that now, you know. So I look back and think, oh, but as always, when you have something, you constantly want more of it. So I wanted more money. And I was hearing about all these girls online saying, you know, I'm making 100k, I'm making this. So if we do this, we will make that type of money. So you then entered into the explicit quarantine with him.

34:13Yeah. And would you have somebody recording it or would you be recording it yourselves? No, I would never. I never felt comfortable with that. I was always, I was quite insecure about a lot of things. So even the way that I would film it, you know, I would never, I never wanted to get me facing it. I never wanted to vividly show certain things because I was just insecure. I was, I knew deep down it never sat right with me. I knew it wasn't right as a human being, as a woman. I knew it wasn't right. But the desire to really make money was a lot more powerful than my own dignity and my own force of respect.

34:47The desire to want to be famous and to keep shocking everybody and bringing this was way more to me at that time than that. So I was going to ask you, Was it you, your boyfriend, your audience or the money that made you push the boundaries further? I don't like to blame anyone. And I know this has been misread a lot of times, but he, I wanted love so much that when someone was coming to my life and, you know, say that they wanted forever with me and we could be this and do this, I'd do anything. I just wanted to keep him on. So the fact that I knew he was out there and he was already doing all these things, apart from he never had an account.

35:27So he wasn't making any money while he was doing these things. So then I come along, already making this amount of money, but not doing half as much. He was like, you've got to remember this man was doing this, but he wasn't making any money from it. He had no bank card when I met him. He had no phone. He didn't have any of them things. So when we moved away, it was solely just me being the breadwinner for the entire relationship. So I was the bank. Was you completely in love with him? Yes. I've never been so toxically in love with somebody. How would you have described him as a person during the relationship?

36:00Honestly, psychologically, like not there. So while you had your relationship and your OnlyFans business where you were making porn together, call it what it is, would he remain monogamous to you or being a porn star, would he veer off and sleep with other women? So this is where then the mental health and everything else started to really take a part in me because he would claim to be that because I wanted and on like I wanted a relationship yes we were doing all these crazy things but we're husband we're gonna be husband and wife right we're doing it together with that as a couple whereas then it never really happened he would promise me that that was all the things I look back now and think yeah definitely wasn't the case I'd wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be but it wasn't vividly apparent to me until I had my child and then people would start reaching out to me and saying he told me you were okay with him filming with me and that's when then I started feeling as though I was truly losing my mind because I was like the bare face cheek that people are going around and saying this and everyone thinks I'm okay with this when really I'm stuck at home suffering tremendously physically mentally everything and everyone thinks that I'm okay with this and I'm playing a part in it that I condone it which just totally wasn't ever what I wanted.

37:19And this was after you had a child? Yeah. So did you have postnatal depression as well? Really bad yeah I really struggled. I think like he was great when my daughter came because I was under so much stress she was premature so she came really early and then not only with that she developed a hemangioma which is like a non-cancerous treatment in the face so that was visibly clear and that was really hard to deal with and she was in intensive care so it was like so much going on at that time because I was under so much stress when he'd just leave me for days and go partying and get up to all this when I was at home pregnant I ended up giving birth early and then for the first I would say few weeks he was great he was there he was trying to help me with postnatal and then kind of as soon as I really started to come around to the fact that like everything's changing inside myself I no longer want to do this that's when the relationship really broke apart and he got confident and bold in then exactly who he was and what he was doing the entire time so the mask slipped yeah and who did you see when the mask slipped who actually was he how did he treat you horrendous I mean aside from sleeping with other women which she's bad enough yeah any violence yeah yeah he um the one thing that really struck in my head is I'd tell him about things that happened to me when I was younger or that I'd experienced and he'd write songs about it he was a writer he'd write songs and he'd sing it around me house and I'd say why have you wrote that about me and he'd be like it's not about you you're crazy you're psychotic like you've got bipolar you need to go to the doctors and I actually truly was going to the doctors like help me there's something up with me um because he would contradict everything you know even just little comments he'd say in front of people about sleeping with other girls he'd make when we'd leave I'd go you just said that and he'd be like no I never he would gaslight me about everything and yeah um violence yes on a few occasions but the mental torture was so much worse than any anything that I ever talk in any other way and is this the guy that I've read about called or went by the name of Harry.

39:26Yeah. That's him. Yeah. Because he eventually committed suicide also. Yeah. And was he on the run from the UK for attempted murder? Not from the UK. I only heard this from the press, so I didn't know any of this because I hadn't been in contact with him for years. Well, about a year. But apparently he was warned for attempted murder in Thailand. Not actually in the UK, it was from Thailand. Do you think he killed someone? I mean, nothing would surprise me. Antony Gerard Kelly. That's his real name. Yeah. That's what you're, if you type that in, you'll be able to read all about that. On the run from Thailand, where did he run to?

40:06Where was he found dead? Thailand. Oh, okay. Yeah. So he was ducking and diving in the same country that he'd apparently attempted to kill someone. Yeah. I think he actually got put in jail over there and then he had to pay a big bail bill. They took his passport. So it was kind of like the person that he was going to harm, was either going to get him back or he was going to jail. So he decided to make the decision himself. And do you think he was nuts enough to have killed someone? Oh, yeah. So was you scared when you was with him then? You'd think that I would be. And I guess, you know, he would say that he would do crazy things to me and my family.

40:42But again, the woman that I was and from what I grew up in, no man scared me. I'd go head to head with them and they might batter me, but I wasn't scared. and I think he knew that, which used to anger him so much more, that I kind of had the power financially and I went back and down to him. So yes, he would hurt me, but I'd still get back up and be like, you F this and, you know, still hurt him in another way, whether it be from the tongue or things I'd write online. I wouldn't let him keep me down. And I think that's why he actually hated me so much because I wasn't scared of him. Do you think he topped himself because he was worried about what the tyre...

41:20police would do to him or because he was just a tortured soul? I think a bit of both. I think, again, you know, he had his own story of how he was raised and how he was brought up and definitely not my story to tell, but he had some situations that took place that made him hate women. And I know that we all took a repercussion from that, from every relationship he would have had afterwards. Any woman I know that he never treated right, it was kind of the same type of effects but I do know that he only got into porn at like a later stage maybe like a few years before he met me and everyone says the same thing that when he stepped into that his head went even more um he was just more brutal he just like didn't care about anything or anyone like that was the scary thing about him like he literally just had no fear and And he had courage.

42:11He'd do anything. And you'd kind of be like, that's shocking. And he thought it was like funny. Do you think he was trying to push you to suicide? I mean, I definitely was there. I'll tell you why I say that, because there's an influencer and he teaches people about narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism. And he's a self-confessed narcissist. I don't want to mention his name because he's under investigation for things that if he's guilty of them, I hope he never sees the light of day again. So I don't want to promote him, but I can certainly repeat what he said in his own words as a self-confession, that as a full-blown narcissist, he would want to push people, and it's well documented, particularly women, and the ultimate goal for him would be if they committed suicide, that would be his main supply.

43:02Yeah. I mean, there was multiple times of scenarios that had happened in Thailand I mean I had a really bad problem with my anger then as well so like when a woman is like you know I'd speak truth but in a really vile way so everything I knew about him I would throw back in his face but like times 10 I would just be like I know you're this you're that you know you're not worthy I would I would not be very nice either I had a really bad mouth on me and really bad anger but he would then take it under his own accord to do whatever he wanted to physically hurt me or mentally hurt me and he would step over me.

43:37I remember looking up and thinking, if I was dying on this floor, you would step over me and you wouldn't. It was so crazy how one day it would be so much like, I love you, to then the next day he'd step over me. And the way he looked at me was then when I started to really realise, like, well, you could kill me and not feel anything from it. I know that you felt suicidal at one stage. Did you ever take the leap and try and end it? No. I mean, I definitely went to make the decision, but I never physically made the decision. It was that is when I really truly had my own encounter with God and that I don't know what would have happened had I made that decision.

44:19But I think when he left and everything started to take its toll on me, I didn't want to be here and I didn't want to leave my daughter with a mother in the condition that I was. and everything that I'd done, I couldn't live with myself. And was there paranormal experiences in Thailand? Not in Thailand, when we came back from the UK, for sure. And you were still riddled with trauma at this stage? Yeah, we flew back to the UK because they were trying to give me the COVID vaccination when I was pregnant, and I was like, no. So we flew back to the UK, and then she came a few weeks later after we had arrived.

44:56And then that was when we were kind of like stuck here because she was premature and there was a lot of complications with her. and then we stayed. I think he left when she was, we tried to keep an amicable relationship where he'd come but then he fully left when she was about seven months, six months old. Just tell me about some of these unexplained experiences that you went through. Yeah. What made you think they were paranormal? Sex toys would fly across the room of the house by themselves and he used to say that he believed in similar things to me. At this point I was more spiritual so I tried a lot of plant medicines I'd kind of gone down or like the witchcraft the wicker route the manifestation and I had since I was a young girl it's always been a huge part of my life but this time like he would we would both feel a really dark presence in the house and he if he was upstairs and we had like a few flights of stairs in the house he wouldn't travel down the stairs by himself he would have me behind him because he was so scared and we'd just feel dark presences and things would move and fly across the room specifically sex toys which always made me extra worried like they were specific items that would that would be flowing across the room an all-new season of the hulu original series the secret lives of mormon wives is now streaming on hulu and hulu on disney plus four years ago we were just making tiktoks but it feels like there are no friendships left in mom talk you act like you're better than everyone and you're not.

46:23I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. Your favorite friend group is back. FX's Adults follows five roommates living in New York, leaning on each other to navigate love, work, friendship, and family, while tackling pressing questions of your 20s like, What if the person who inherited your fake ID is cooler than you ever were? Why does being around your family make you regress into your worst self?

46:59And how do you tell your roommates that you have other friends? FX is adults. All episodes now streaming on Hulu. What did you think the sign was? The significance for being sex toys being flung about? Just because I was spiritual and I'd encountered certain realms by doing these things. I was always kind of like, ooh, we don't really know what's out there. You know, the world is so much bigger than what we can ever imagine or comprehend. And that everything is spiritual and energy. So during these times, I truly believed that I was going through some type of spiritual psychosis because I was like, I'm feeling things.

47:36I'm feeling presences like I am. I felt like under attacked and I didn't know the God of the Bible or Jesus. I just knew that the universe and that everything was not as we seemed and that we could open ourselves up to these things. So at that point, I didn't really put a label on it like, wait there, what does that mean? It's only been as I've been going deeper into my journey that I look back and go, whoa, okay. And, you know, I can see where it's really started to make sense to me. And when these sex toys were being slung around the room by nobody, had you started regretting the work you were doing by that stage or were you still in its grip yeah well that that stage when when my daughter came in hospital I'd already made the decision that it wasn't something I wanted to continue so instead I wanted to create my own sexway range I wanted to be the next Ann Summers so then I started designing all of that and you know it started putting a product together that was hopefully going to make me the money that OnlyFans was making me instead without me having to do that because I just soon as she came and I held out, I just, that like motherly instinct kicked in and it was kind of like, what am I doing?

48:48Like, whatever I do, you're going to follow. Like, this is, I'm a role model to you. This is where it has to end. Like, I kind of grew up in that moment, at least for some decisions anyway. That's interesting because you could have thought to yourself, when these sex toys are being flown around the room and you wanted to be the next Dan Summers, I mean, which one? You could have thought this is a sign saying follow your dream, go with it. That's the sign. Or you could have thought actually that's somebody demonising me selling sex toys. You could have taken that either way. Did you take it as it's like don't do it?

49:22I think I wasn't really thinking. At that time I was just kind of like what is going on? I'm feeling this presence. Like he was scared. He would constantly say I would have, he would come in and tell me that he had dreams of astral projecting. so he the last one of the nights before he left fully left and we never seen him again we had a huge argument and he went to go and stay in the living room and I was in the bedroom with my little girl and that night I had the most terrifying dream that the only way I can describe it was like a beast was lying on top of me and I could feel like physical fear like I can't describe it but it was like there was an animal on top of me and I remember feeling this sheer fear of just absolutely being terrified and then a peace coming and me not being scared no more and then the next morning when I woke up and I was like oh that dream was horrendous he came in and said I asked you projected last night and I come into the room and was over you and the baby and straight away I was like oh wow like I had this horrific dream last night but he said he asked you projected and he met all of these beings and he asked them that if he was to commit suicide would he still be accepted in heaven and half of them were saying yeah and half of them were saying no half of them were saying disgusting things about me and the other half were saying that I was okay and that I was good um so then a lot of these things I was just like okay something is going on here like this is have I you know have I got spiritual psychosis from doing these types of plant medicines and altering my consciousness.

50:54What were the plant medicines? I used to do mushrooms. I also loved weed at the time. But mushrooms and DMT specifically, I mean, I've tried ayahuasca. I've tried the God molecule. I've tried pretty much. So what do you think? Do you think the paranormal experiences were addled by drugs or do you think they were genuine? I think that they were genuine because I know now from, don't get me wrong, I've tried to go back to plant medicine since I found a relationship with Jesus. And when I prayed and said for him to show me what this is, he showed me what happens in them realms and what you're really doing.

51:35And that's why I choose to be sober minded and vigilant now, because I believe that there's a lot of this reality that we cannot see. and that yet it is different realms and different things that go on aside from this but that he is really the only true protection and when we enter these you know healing spaces or you know plant medicines as such it's a legal entry into them realms and we open ourself up to doors that we can't close by ourself and I believe that's what I did I opened the door to these things and allowed influence into my life on all different areas. Now, I know that you ended up facing quite serious criminal proceedings yourself.

52:16Had you found God, we get into that, I must, but had you found God before or after the criminal proceedings or the crime, alleged crime? After. Okay. Yeah. Well, that works nicely then. Okay, so criminal proceedings. Yeah. So you've obviously been arrested for something, gone to court. How much of that can you talk about? I'm hoping everything. Because what you did say was nobody was innocent. So I was curious, well, what were people guilty of? What was the story? I don't know how much I can actually speak on this, but the press had a heyday on all of this. I lost my job. My agency got rid of me.

52:54So it was like constant things that, and I was dealing with everything else I was suffering with, you know, the mental repercussions of what had happened but also the shame of what I've been doing on OnlyFans the fact that none of it was worth it because now I'm a single mom and my daughter hasn't even got a dad everything else that with the postnatal there was a lot going on in my life at that point so it really was like before it was going to trial I was like I'm going down like I thought I was going to be given the chance to share my story and then once it got to trial two and a half years later, two days before I was due to go to court, a new order came in saying single mums and someone that's never been to jail can't go into the prisons because they're full.

53:37Otherwise, the judge would have sent me down for four years. Ah, okay. Because I was wondering, well, how can you not go to jail for Section 18? So what did you get? Community service? I got a tag, if you call it that. That's the right term. Community service, a fine, raw days, pretty much everything else but jail. What did they have you doing for the community? Oh, I've been grafting like a full-on labourer, like digging soil up, putting in a wheelbarrow, like literally travelling up the road, building gates, doing cemeteries. Like I've been doing all sorts. Is this quite recent then? I've only just stopped last week.

54:15I only just finished my hours. What were the people like you was doing community service with? Do you know what? The first day I ever arrived at community service, I broke down into years. I was so scared. I was like oh my goodness I don't fit in here I'm scared like these women scare me and I feel awful saying that but it was a different group then but now I think the more that I hear about their stories like what fascinates me about how broken the system really truly is how every woman that is involved in community service or that is doing time for a crime it's actually mostly led by men or they've gone through a really traumatic upbringing and they've had trauma so the or it's mental health so theoretically they need help more than they do need to be labeled in crimes and be doing these things wasting you know we're not really doing much for the community it is just ticking some hours off but some of the women's stories are i mean horrific like we've got one girl that actually nearly went to jail for calling someone a faggot and as much as that word is horrific yes especially to people who are gay that can be offended by it but she nearly faced a jail term for using that word.

55:23Madness. And people should not be going to jail for words. It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, so she was there for that. We had another girl who tried to commit suicide and was charged with a knife crime. So there's like so many stories that you're like, wow, these women don't deserve to be here. And I know they won't mind me sharing them particular ones because I have been standing strong with them. I've grew friendships with them. They've even been coming to events and gatherings that I've been doing because we need it. This is what these women need. Like they need rehabilitation in the mind, the body and the soul.

55:56They don't need to be going and doing some community service and to be labeled a criminal. If I see that boss, I'm like, oh, they must all be murderers. And then when you actually get on it yourself and I'm sitting there next to them, I'm like, this is really sad. The system's really broken. Like a lot of women don't deserve to be here. A lot of women never got a chance to share this story. And maybe some women do deserve to be there, 100 % of course, but there's a lot more to meet the eye. And I think that that's why I personally have been allowed even into just close proximity of this world, because I want to make a real change in that system.

56:27I really do want to make a real change because I think the system is so broken, not just for women, but for men too. And I think something's got to change. Well, I'll put your social media tags all in the description so people can carry on following your journey. But yeah, I mean, I'm not finished yet because I'll tell you where the confusion lay with me was from when the crime was committed as to when it went to court. So there was like two and a half year, three year gap between. So you found God in between. Near enough a month after the incident, because I really, that's when I was suicidal.

57:00I'd lost everything and the whole internet was saying this about me and it wasn't true. And he'd left me, he'd run back to Thailand. So I was dealing with this all on my own with pretty much a newborn baby. I could not cope. I was like, I can't do this. you know I think it was more so like I never really I guess people weren't giving me the best reputation anyway because of the things I was doing by off my own will but to be labeled like this monster like I was all for women rights at that point and feminism movement it was just more frustrating than anything because it wasn't the truth but it with everything else piled on top of that it was breaking point for me and that's when I found God but people like to say oh you found God out like before that and then did that it's like no you believe in what you read in the media and we all know that the media don't speak the truth you know that they just print things that just is clickbait to get people they don't care about sharing any of my real story anymore because it's not of interest to them that I really have changed and rehabilitated my life around it's only who I used to be that is of interest to them and are you happy now yes I really am yeah and what's Christianity given you that sex and fame and adulation and all the other stuff couldn't give you?

58:10Well, I do say I'm a Christian, but then at the other sense as well, like I really don't believe in religion. I believe in a personal relationship with our Lord and Saviour. And I think a relationship like I have with my child, my friends, my mother, my father, I have that same relationship with God. So religion is based on a set of rules that if we don't do this, this and this, we're going to hell. But the relationship with Jesus is him knowing us intimately and knowing everything about us and just asking for his guidance and everything that we do, you know, we're always going to flush off, we're never going to be perfect, but when you love him so much, you kind of want to keep on that path of being like, right, I don't, I know what happens if I step out of line and I do these things because I've got a past history of it.

58:52So if I stay on this right narrow path that he's put me on, I know I'm safe, I know I'm protected spiritually, I know I'm protected physically because I look after my body now, my vessel and what goes into my body, you know, it changes the way I think, the way I act, everything. So I try and look after that on a physical way and working out and stuff. And then I think just the morals that it brings, like the community to have people that don't really know you to pray over you. And, you know, you could tell people in my community now the most worst, awful things that you've ever done. And they would still open, like welcome you with open arms because who are we to say that people don't deserve to be forgiven.

59:34I know that we can say, okay, the most hideous of crimes, absolutely, even as a human being and a woman myself, that still makes me go. But I mean, I'm not up there with them things, but I've done things I'm not proud of. I've done things that I would be so heartbroken if my daughter followed through with, you know, and followed me. So it's given me better morals. It's changed my heart. It's renewed my mind and transformed my heart truly. Like, I am humble now I think he put me through all that to humble me because I needed to be humbled that money couldn't buy me out anymore that I had to really face consequences of the wrong partners the wrong people you know the wrong spaces I was putting myself involved in and if none of that would have happened who knows where I would still be right now and am I right in saying that it's your current boyfriend that led you to God he's not my current boyfriend now um but yes he yeah he did he never led me to God he was my shaman so him we were together for about two years he was my shaman 10 years prior to this so he arrived at my at my door because I don't know if I covered this but during these like really down times I went to hospital to be tested for cancer and to see what was up with me because I was covered in bruises to the point that like I looked back on my phone the other day and we're not just talking one or two bruises we are talking I looked battered and I still get upset now when I look at these images because I'm like how is this possible like I still to this day don't even recognize that what that was but I started losing all the back of my hair I was covered black and blue in bruises like you could not deny these bruises it looked like I had been beat up head to toe but then on top of that I had really bad skin conditions so I had scabs head to toe, psoriasis and eczema.

1:01:24I've always suffered with eczema but I've never had my skin like this, like it was diabolical and obviously I was feeling really suicidal so they were like we need to check you, we need to put you in for some CT scans and make sure everything's okay and everything was coming back from their perspective. Okay but inside there was something so much more deeper going on. So when he come to my house to hand me all this like CMOS and all these natural products. I told him about the experience that I'd had and the encounter that I'd had with God drawing this breaking point, like I was still going through it.

1:01:58And he prayed over me and said, I need to take you to this church. And that's when he took me to the church that I'm still a part of now. He's no longer a member of that and he's, I guess, on his own journey. But yeah, for me, I walked in there and found what I'd been searching for my entire life, I believe. An all-new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group.

1:02:35She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. For bundle subscribers, terms apply. And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Let's jar something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The Certified Fresh Series returns. You're boss. You always like this? Or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! Has it happened? There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone.

1:03:10Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to live. Because I thought from the research I'd done, I thought you were still with this guy and he was quite a good influence in your life. He is. We're still very good friends. And I mean, we're definitely going through a stage where he's trying to sort it out with me. He wasn't, I don't think, he wasn't, again, a repeat of them cycles, you know, where men in today's society struggle tremendously with lust. Like, it's a real thing. Pornography culture is so apparent in our men's of society.

1:03:47We have no idea the war on our men itself. We're not, we're adding fire to the fuel by the way that we are taught to dress now and to flaunt it and to kind of, you know, idolize ourself in the making, but it's having tremendous effect on our men. And I think that I can see that all around. And there's not a man that I meet that I know that doesn't suffer with these things in somewhat way. I've kind of always given them the benefit of the doubt and I never judge anybody because who am I to judge? But that was something that he was still experiencing and going through and I just can't be in situations where I've been redeemed from these things.

1:04:21I've come out of that world. Like, I'm not going to feel insecure or put down for wanting to dress modest now. I'm not a trophy. I am. I'm stepping into a new person. I'm a new creation. It's very interesting you say that because if I have male friends that are struggling with their relationships, I always ask them, do you watch porn? If the answer's, it's the first question I ask them. Because I know what the first thing to go in any relationship is. And once that's gone, very hard to get it back and then the rest falls apart. And I ask them, do you watch porn? If they say yes, I say, well, that's the first thing that's got to go.

1:04:53Watch the dynamic change. Porn is so dangerous. So your current boyfriend, who's meant to be a man of God, has been watching porn? He was, yeah. It's been quite a journey now, to be honest, like maybe seven months. But yeah, he was, yeah. Would you consider that cheating? It's not that. it's because again I think why I've always been treated by so much crap from men in my life is I'm very much like I understand you're human I've always been that person you're gonna make mistakes but I'll be here so it's kind of like people go okay you'll be here will you and then continue to do it but actually that's coming from a pure place in my own heart that actually I understand we're all human and we all fall short before I even knew God I thought that but it's not the problem is that you're cheating the problem is the issues that porn does to you what it does to the brain so it's desensitizing you to like the most hideous ways of actually making love something that God made as a covenant between man and woman to create child children or to share compassion and love in their moments is now being turned into explicit content online or just the ways of I watched it from a young age and look at what I got involved in that's not love it's not love it's abuse and it's it's downright demonic it's not how love is pursued or should be between men and women it's it's dangerous the throat grabbing you know everything that it entices is everything to opposite of what god made sex for yes fucking nuts how far it's gone on the internet i always mention this during podcasts i don't watch that shit either i haven't done for years but i know all about the industry because I'm curious and I ask people and I know what people are what people search the most what they watch the most the secrets they keep their little hidden fantasies it's it's fucking weird and if it wasn't accessible you probably wouldn't think half of these things yeah and I've just been filming a documentary like a documentary episode at the moment with one of my good friends now and he's got like experts on them especially about the effects porn has on the brain and it is absolutely crazy the effects it has on us I know we're in a society now where it's really normal more so than ever because of OnlyFans which scares me for our children growing up but it always has been just like that's not how it goes it's always just super cheesy and just super acting and then I think it puts a lot of pressure on women growing up as I say I was quite young when I first started it and watching it and that played havoc 100 % it had a huge part to play in what I was trying to be because that was never real it was it had it had effects on me for sure and I always try and express that as well because people think that even just our young children being seen online with these girls in these provocative outfits and stuff like it's all a leading path that leads to this ultimately like if they can see these type of images on Instagram and online eventually they're gonna want to see more and now we're not living in a society where it's just little cute pictures on Instagram it's you know we're revealing everything we're giving you websites to go and look at more with young kids are coming to That's the thing.

1:07:58All porn stars now, they've all got social media. So you'd always be able to find them somehow. Yeah. Or the dancing on TikToks, pretending that they've got like normal, you know, a normal profile. And really, if people are intrigued by that, like, OK, I can go and see you with multiple other people on this website. And maybe it's like young boys and that. It's a joke between the mates at first. But then once you do it once, it becomes an addiction. And then you rely on that then. and you're desensitised to even socialising normal because you're living in a world that's not real. And what would you say to your daughter if she wanted to follow in your younger footsteps when she gets older?

1:08:34Yeah, she won't. Just claim that over her right now, she won't. I think because I'm different, what I never had, I give her. And I think that we can all say that as part of being a parent, right, that we give our children what we never had. But I think that the woman that I am now and the woman that I aspire to help, I think that she will see, probably not just firsthand, but around, that it's not, it doesn't fulfill anything. It breaks you down and she'll know the standing point that we have in a relationship with God that is very much like, you know, the enemy, Satan, whoever you want to call him, is real.

1:09:12And that he will try to deceive you in so many different avenues to separate you from who you are called to be and who we are as God's creation as children of God made in his image he wants to distort that and take everything from us so that we lose value and sight of who we really truly are and I will drum that into the most because I think it says that we don't wrestle against flesh and blood but against principalities of darkness and that's so true because we can't you know it's not just the government that we're up against this the spiritual realm that we're also up against and we all have influences on our shoulders you know good versus evil absolutely and as the bible says you know woe to those who call evil good and good evil we are living in a time right now where people call evil good and good evil like we are living the word of god out right now assuming you haven't got a new boyfriend and you're still trying to work things out with the other guy yeah if he go on yeah i mean i'm just trusting on God because I've let God make all my decisions right now.

1:10:19And I know that I'm a human still in flesh, so that I will always go for things that I'm not perfect, I'm not fully healed. So then if someone's really promising me that they're going to change and that they love me and that they're going to marry me, I want to believe that. But then God knows if that's real or not. This is my question. I wanted to know how deep into the God squad you actually are, because if this guy doesn't apologize, promise you the world, stop watching porn, all the things you don't really like, the next time you went into a relationship, will you go into the whole no sex before marriage thing?

1:10:49Absolutely. Absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt. And I know that that's hard for people to go, as if with your past, how can you do that? I know, right? But I'm cleansed from what I've been forgiven from that. I've been forgiven by the only person that really, truly matters, which is God. So that's why I have peace. That's why I can walk with a bit of boldness now. I'm not sure. Like, I'm uncomfortable by it. but I speak about it to you know allow other young girls to really hear the truth about these situations and what leads you up into it but with that I've got boldness and that's because of God because I've found grace in the trials and tribulations that I've been through and I wouldn't be the woman that I am today without going through it I trust that he has a higher plan than me so even though people would go that's crazy that you're going to say no sex before marriage but you've done xyz well yeah but my body is worth more than a price tag and you know hook up culture now is so normalized.

1:11:41Back in the day, we never used to do these things. Like we, people are together now for 10 years and don't even get engaged to marriage. Marriage is a union between two people, two become one in the flesh. So people don't even understand that every person you're sleeping with, you're technically in the spiritual realm married to them anyway, because two become one. So whoever you're attached to is actually, whatever's on them is on you. Whatever's on you is on them. And that's why in the spiritual realm, it's just, if you aren't aligned with each other in a lot of different values or similarities or maybe even traumas, right?

1:12:14It's just a trauma bond. And you need God to be at that center because God will direct you to the person who actually knows has done some work on them aspects of their healing. And that is ready to look after you and provide for you in a ways as you are ready to provide and look after him as well, because it's a two way street. And what are you doing at the moment with yourself? I'm going to put all your social media tags in the description so they can go and follow you further and see where your journey ends up. I've seen that you're quite open on there and you talk about stuff very openly and freely, how you dress more modest now and other stuff.

1:12:49I won't spoil it for the audience because they can go and find you now. But what are you doing at the moment? Is there anything that you want to promote or mention or what the future holds? We've established you're quite good with your hands. Any shout outs to misfits? No, no. No, I'm a lady. I don't want to be stepping into or condone violence of any sort. By the way, we don't condone violence. I don't believe that God wants his daughter to be in a ring and fighting and any such. Gloves on 300 grand at stake could change your mind? I mean, it would change my life right now. But I believe I can make it in the right way.

1:13:29so on things that are worth getting things that are easy to access actually won't stay for a while or for failure so I'm on a different path now but what I would love to mention is that House of Faith is a ministry that I'm building that I'm about to turn into a charity to really help women that need it not only women that believe in God currently but like that have nowhere to turn back to where I was you know that are looking for community looking for friends have no sort of like not feeling strong in the body or in the mind I just want to help women that are in the depths of darkness and I want to just help them and pour into them as much as I can and I'm building a team of specialists around me that can also help with that but yeah right now we've just been doing gatherings and events like we had a hike the other day and we've been doing like picnics and just beautiful events that brings all women together with music and encouragements and just like being open and vulnerable with each other about things that we struggle with as well you know because I think that we just need to like be a bit more open and honest about things what you see on Instagram is like no one really shows the bad days whereas I really want to start speaking about these things to let people know that they're not alone and that it doesn't matter what you've done or what you've been you can be forgiven and you can find a new life and you have the right to change so if people want to find out more about this then they go to your direct personal page yeah yeah it's called house of faith so you've got a separate page yes if they want to follow house of faith we'll put that in there then yeah thank you okay anything else you want to finish on no just that i believe that we are all created in the image of god and i don't speak about only fans from a place of judgment i speak about it from a place of i've been there and i'm not judging women for this i'm saying that there is a way out of this industry it's you know your your body is worth more than a price tag your there is no price attached to it god paid the price for you as a person you are forgiven you are loved and that you have the chance to start again because a lot of people think that i'm slating women in that industry because i've changed my life around and i really i love them and i want them to know that there's a way out and i don't believe that god's daughters should be engaging in this demonic industry.

1:15:44Well, I think that's a fair message to anybody. Thank you for coming on. I appreciate being so open and may the Lord be and stay with you. Thank you. Amen. Amen. And I'm not religious, by the way.

1:16:02Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought It would be fun if we made$15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. See terms. Starting a business can seem like a daunting task, unless you have a partner like Shopify.

1:16:38They have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website, to marketing, to selling, and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need. There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz, and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into... Sign up for your$1 per month trial at shopify.com slash special offer.