Arron Crascall Breaks His Silence - “The Devil Was In Me” | No More Secrets!

28:26I walked off like that. So what I used to do, because with the Vine app, when it first came out, you had to go back, you had to go back and look at it before you edited it. So I remember being in the car park, looking at this video, thinking, please be a fucking banger. Because I needed to get a reaction because I couldn't see him really. Yeah. So I'm in their ear. And I felt this fucking tug on my back and I was like, shit, and it was her. She's like, what are you doing, videoing me? I was like, well, Witness protection. Mate, we got talking. Fucking hell. We got talking, bruv. Our other half.

28:58I don't know why I'm whispering to you. I'm on fucking bonga. Our other half's part of this mafia organisation in China, bruv. Could you imagine? She made me take it off my phone. I was showing it. I had to go through my gallery on my phone. Showing her pictures of my kids. Showing it. The video. I promise you it's deleted. I promise you it's deleted. Could you imagine her paranoia? She must have thought, why is he doing that? Oh, mate, don't. One more. this is a funny one but this is the shit I got up to I remember I used to do this sketch where on Valentine's Day I'd be the guy who could never find love so I'd walk around London going next to couples and they're like oh my god you look so happy together I remember being on a train I remember sitting on the tube and seeing these two two people next to me they were getting it on like all lies I remember going oh what's it like to kiss Anyway, I left it, uploaded it, went mental overnight.

29:52Mental overnight. Phone call from my management next day. Aaron, you need to take that fucking video down. I was like, why? We've had some woman ring up, whispering down the phone. That was her having an affair on the tube. Of course it fucking was. Yeah. She rung my management. And I had to take the video down. I caught her having an affair next to me on my phone. But these are the things, I always think, what have I captured in the background of these videos sometimes? Do you know what I mean? You keep throwing your rod out enough times, you're going to catch a big one, isn't you? How mad this is.

30:21I remember doing a, I can't remember what I was singing now, like a Katy Perry song or something. And in the background, it was a young Cara Delevingne, bruv, like 12, 13 years old. Nah. Yeah. See, because none of your stuff was staged, was it? You've just got to go in and do it and get the moment. I used to thrive on that absolute fear, on that feet. I wouldn't get on a tube unless it was packed. Is there any moments that you deeply regret? You think, shit, I crossed the line there. Yeah, I made an old woman wee herself before. I jumped out of a box dressed as a Santa. No, because I'm not going to, I know this lady and I know the people.

30:59That's terrible. That was a bad experience. I had people fucking going mad at me, inbox messages. I made such an immense, this lady. I went round her house, chocolates, flowers. But I remember I had a peephole this side. I was in a big present box dressed as Santa. and I used to be stuck out in the middle of a, on a pavement. I remember having a peephole here so I could see who was coming and I remember going, and this old woman was stood there, bruv, and she went, Matt, like, it was, nearly went over, bruv. And then she wet herself, man. And I've never, and that's why I won't do him anymore. It scared me, bruv.

31:37You'll end up giving someone a heart attack. Exactly, I'm not, I haven't got insurance and all that, so I'll be done for murder, surely. It'll be awful. there'd be some kind of responsibility. 100%, bruv. That is why you won't see me do him anymore. And just for the record, I do not find elderly women pissing themselves funny. But you have to export yourself to a place where you can appreciate the funny side of it. Honestly, bro, it was terrifying. Honestly, I've never felt so bad. I've never felt so bad. I took her flowers and I made an amends to the husband. I think that's the bit that I find funny because I know just how beautiful...

32:14Even sitting here now, mate, it's like five years ago, six years ago. You'd want the floor to swallow you up. Oh, bruh, I can't believe I'd done that. But you didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to do it. I never, ever, I would have never have got her. She was so old. But I looked through this peephole. And I think I did it a couple after that, but I made peepholes in every fucking bit of the box so I could see everywhere. And then the joke was gone anyway, because I was too scared about doing it. So I'd jump out and go, and instead of going, like, yeah, you've got to commit. Nah, like these are, these are, but they're silly pranks.

32:42At the end of the day, I was stupid for doing them. What about when you slipstreamed in so you were interviewing celebrities and you were side by side with some real big, like, big-hitting A-list of celebrities? Yeah, Warner Brothers got a hold of me. Yeah, what happened there? And who was your favourite celeb? Who was your least favourite? They say you never meet your heroes. Oh, we got some... Oh, there's mate. Can we go down there? I'll tell you what. The biggest disappointment. Do you know what? I'll tell you one. James Gordon, I can't stand him. Yeah. I could have whacked him. Tell me about James Gordon.

33:09I wanted to smash his head in. you're not the first person to say this and James I'm sorry for saying this mate but you were such a dick like you were such a horrible dick maybe you've turned a new leaf or whatever but mate bruv this day I was at Soho House Festival we were in a YouTube tent doing some work together he was there and I was there doing some bits we didn't know each other and Gavin and Stacey massive at the time my management was stood over Rebecca and we were doing these bits together but he was in oh yeah he was all happy and jokey and then after the cameras went down, I went, James, oh my God, please, is there any way I can get a selfie for my mum?

33:45She absolutely loves you. He was on his phone like this. He was like this, he was like this. Yeah, give me your phone. What's your passcode? He went, chuck my phone at me. Bruv, Aaron, come out. In that instant, I went, you fuck. My mum and Rebecca looking at me going, like that, because I was, fuck, honestly, bruv, the way he was talking to people through people so it would be and then that person would tell that person when he could just say it himself who the fuck does he think he is bruv I swear to god mate I wanted to rip his head off how do people like him get so far when they're that unlikable because you're not the first person to tell me about him who knows bruv I don't know but James honestly you're never going to see this but if you do I do apologise for thinking that way about you but I hope you have turned a new leaf because you was a prick yeah change please change bruv who's your favourite celebrity that you was rubbing shoulders with my favourite celebrity are people like Kevin Hart Jason Momoa Jason was absolutely a lovely guy Ryan Reynolds bruv I'm not name dropping you've asked me right I'm asking you Ryan Reynolds he'll chat to me like a friend so like wish your dog a happy birthday like these sort of weird things nice bloke lovely just a dad just an absolute dad but just a genius and a businessman and a fucking massive film star.

35:09Like, I can't believe I speak to some of these people. Rachel from Jennifer Aniston. Lovely. Like, Courtney Cox. Lovely. All these people I speak to and sometimes I have to pinch myself. Like, they've followed me because of my content. I can't believe it. Well, I mean, you reach hundreds of millions of people. I've never seen such a viral character. 400, 500 million views a month. Yeah. Who's more viral than you other than The Rock? In the UK, who's more viral than you? People like so not many mate is there? my brother Olimar I love the man not Olimar black Olimar big tall Irishman I do videos with yeah he's very likeable we've got a troop now we've got our gang set yeah so we've got like me Manlight Hacks Axl Blake Jeremy Lynch Olimar and Steve-O Olimar you've been doing bits for a while yeah them boys are amazing them boys are amazing the creativeness the the they're genuine humble people Do you know what I mean?

36:05Yeah. I can't. It's a pleasure to hang around with them. Like every time we meet up, it's beautiful. So behind all this, all the sketches and the stunts and the chaos and the fun and the celebrity world. Who was Aaron Kraskill behind the scenes? Absolutely destroyed. Living a double life. An absolute double life. And no one really knew. More of a double life than my normal life. No one knew. Not even my wife, my kids, my parents. No one knew. Fucking talk me through that. How did you hide that? What was your daily routine in order to hide it and still perform? Wake up with complete anxiety and panic and fear and obsession over what I'm doing for a living.

36:47Not knowing how to be a husband and a dad, which would terrify me. I didn't know how to be him. Absolutely didn't know how to be him. And I had to change the way I felt as quick as I could with a drink or a substance, yeah. before I could even do life. Didn't know what reality was anymore, mate. Because you know there's levels in there of alcoholism and addicts and you've got your binge drinkers. Even if you're on the beer and gear every Saturday, you've got a habit. You don't realise it, but you've got a habit. Of course. But when you sort of think to yourself, if I was to go to the dictionary and read what is an alcoholic, you'd think it's someone that wakes up and drinks every day.

37:27No, it's not for me. No, no. What level was you? I was never a morning drinker. So every other day, it was every other day. So every other day, a dynamite stick in my belly would have a fuse. So it'd go boom and it had to go off every two days. I'd have to get blacked out every two days. Oh, you'd get blackout drunk? Oh, I'd have blackout. I had to drink to blackout. If I didn't drink to blackout, I would drink the next day. So the days you were drinking, you were drinking. And the days you weren't, you would get all your work done and then go back to drink. Try and get my work done. So I would, oh, mate, I don't, so I sit in the, I'm in a 12-step programme.

38:02I sit with these other people and I can't believe, like, I don't know how people get up and drink vodka straight away. Like that would, I was so ill from the previous night, what I'd done before to the early hours that I would just scrape through that day. I don't know, like the, I don't even want to think about the panic because I've gone, I'm not there anymore. do you know what I mean and unless someone's been through that anxiety withdrawal where the walls breathe and you can't make eye contact you get REM it's but I had to do the school run it's frightening because I was hiding what I was doing the night before so she wouldn't know but I remember so I didn't I never slept in bed with my wife I was always on the sofa so my little girl was seven years old all she ever seen me was fucked fucked and being on the sofa why don't you sleep in bed with mummy this is one of her questions to me do you know what I mean like and I'm because I'm not allowed upstairs.

38:52And how long did that go on for? Two, three years. At the worst. And so at the two or three years, how long did your wife know for? For the last eight months, we didn't really talk because she, I've asked her this now. I said, why did it all stop? Because there's nothing I could have said to her. There's nothing I could have done. The phone call stopped, the text stopped, everything stopped because she knew exactly what was going to happen. There was no, I was so irritable, restless and discontent at home. when I weren't drinking and using, that I'd be fucking horrible anyway. And when you were drinking and using, what sort of stuff did you get up to?

39:28What was your behaviour like? I lived in a fantasy world. So by three o 'clock, I'd have to get nutted. So I'd go to my local pubs, I'd order my, I'd have a couple of beers, I'd order my packet and then that would all come. And then I would be in a fantasy world. I had to be on my own. I couldn't drink with anyone. So I wanted to drink how I wanted to drink. So there was two prominent moments when I knew that it was game over for me. So I was sat in front of my mates. I think it was a year before I kind of stopped drinking. I remember sat in front of all my mates around the table like this, having a drink here like this.

40:06Perfect. Look, it's nearly empty. I remember sitting here, looking at my beer and thinking, fuck, my beer's nearly empty. Who's going to get me around? They were all having a chat and a fucking beer. All their beers were up here. I'm like, what the fuck are they talking about? This is this voice in my head. I'm sitting here quiet, but this voice is going, what the fuck are they talking about? Are we up and drinking mugs? Like, well, okay, what am I going to do? I'm going to go to the bar without them seeing. When I go to the bar, I'm going to get two drinks. So if I get, I order their drinks, I have one at the bar while I'm drinking that.

40:40Mine's being poured. So then when I sit back down, I've got my bit. This is all going on in my head and I'm like, shit. And I have a realisation where I can't be with them anymore because I can't drink with them. They're not drinking the same as me. And I used to fuck off anyway. So I'd have a few drinks with them and then I'd just, I'd make a beeline or I'd go on a disappearance or, and it was getting to the point where I thought, they're just becoming, they're just holding me back. So fuck them. And it was that, fuck them. My own friends. It's so mental that I've been in a pub myself and I've been thinking to myself, what could be more important than the next beer?

41:13Oh, bruv. I've had it. Nothing else matters. I'm drinking this like this and I'm thinking about the next one being bored I'm not tasting it I need to get fucking nutted quick and that four pint feeling I'll say it now you can't beat that feeling I'll say it now I'm an alcoholic and an addict you cannot beat that four pint feeling where I remember going can I fill that water up yeah I remember going to the pub there was another time when I remember going to the pub I'd have a big argument I used to make arguments at home so I could fuck off. So I was never in an argument at home because the kids are there.

41:49Kids are there. I'm not arguing in front of kids. I'm fucking... I would make it up so I'd have to leave the house so I could get my own way. I remember going down. I remember ordering a pint of Guinness or whatever it was and I remember doing this at the bar and I remember going, oh! And everyone in the pub looked at me. In my head I went, why have I just made that noise? And because it was the relief. Yeah. It was the heavy metal in my head turning into classical. I... instant gratification. I said to you after, I was pissed before I got to the pub in my mind. Yeah. The, the, the excitedness about walking into a pub, knowing I'm going to drink.

42:28I was drunk already. Without even taking a drink. Yeah. It was absolutely insane. I lived a complete fantasy life to the point where the lies and the deceit just crept in without even me knowing. Did you end, I mean, cause I've been rock bottom before. Did you ever, where did you find yourself? there must have been a place where you thought, how have I landed here? In the dark places where you don't want to be. Yeah. Soho, at the back of a sex shop trying to get cocaine, but they give me crack instead and I was going to do it. What stopped you from doing that? My management. How did you get into a situation where you were buying crack?

43:01How did you get into a situation where you knew that a sex shop would get you to Charlie? Because I'd literally walk the streets of Soho at two in the morning, talking to apps that I had to cut. That party could not stop. Got a score. I could not go home. I could not go to a hotel. I could not other people go why don't you go to a hotel and get smashed I needed to be out I needed to see social I need to be I need to be in that fantasy world the fucking carnage the lights the beer the people the fucking I needed that I needed to be in the absolute worst fucking places because nothing else would matter I mean that could have ended up so badly wrong I fucking could have died but also being being an addict when you start when you shift from sniffing it to smoking it whole different ball game when I thought about like alright And he went, fucking no.

43:45And we were gone. I was contemplating doing it. Because I didn't have no, what else am I supposed to do? What was the rock bottom moment that made you think, right, I've really got to change now? There was fucking hundreds of them, mate. But there was prominent ones where I tried hypnotherapy. I tried addiction therapy, addiction counselling. There must have been prominent rock bottoms for me to start all of them. But the ultimate rock bottom, it wasn't even as bad as the worst ones. It's the final straw, isn't it? It was the final fucking straw. Like, a week before I stopped drinking, I remember it was a Sunday.

44:22I stopped drinking on the Saturday, the week after. So the Sunday, the previous Sunday, I remember going for a meal with my family, in-laws, my mum, my kids, my wife, my son, at the Crown and Finglesham, The pub, I remember the place. I had a roast dinner. I remember wearing a green shirt. It was so prominent to me, this memory bar. It would stick with me forever. And I remember having two pints of Guinness because Guinness never got me pissed. It was always lager and gin. What was the problem? It was never a nice drink like Guinness. Do you know what I mean? I was in absolute fucking... Bailey's is fine.

44:58Cool. Pudding. Cool cities, cool cities. I never knew about the powerlessness and the craving. As soon as I had a bit of alcohol, the craving would get hold of me anyway. This is what happened. So I had two pints of Guinness. I remember looking around and I think I can't be with my family anymore. I cannot be with these people anymore. Because the relationship with the booze was stronger. I remember that feeling. And then I dropped them off. Sorry Liam. That's alright man. I can't think that. Well there's a good reason why they call it like the devil's work. Booze is is the devil's work. And I get it.

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46:42My kids and my wife. I remember thinking I can't be with them anymore. I don't want to do this, but I have to. And then I remember dropping them off after that meal. Couldn't wait to get home. I remember them walking in the house. Fucking drove off. I remember this. I'm so sorry. I remember being sat in the Whitehorse pub. My beer was in front of me. I was crying in the back. About two o 'clock in the afternoon. I looked at my beer and I thought, I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't know how to go home. I don't know how to go home to my wife and kids anymore. I don't want to do this, but I have to do this.

47:29And what am I going to do? And I woke up from that moment. I remember waking up about five hours later, not knowing what I'd done in a blackout. I remember waking up and it was all red around me. Red light bubbles everywhere. And I was like, what the fuck? I remember being sat at the back of this beer garden on my own with a fucking warm pint. And I pissed myself. that leg was completely wet. I remember being in the mirror in the pub toilet, crying, trying to pour a fucking, filling my pint glass up because I'd pull it away. Filling my pint glass up and trying to tip it down my leg nicely so it looks like I'd pull a drink down myself.

48:15And thinking, this is fucking normal life. How is this normal? And I had a week off, the piss, because it scared me. it scared me completely knowing that I wanted to leave my kids and my wife and woke up and not knowing what I'd done for five hours if I fucking murdered someone or fuck knows what I'd done did you ever get to a stage other than when you was a child like in your in the alcoholism years when you was a father and a husband did you ever get to a stage where you wanted to leave yourself I was too scared to man I prayed for heart attack that's why I say now thank God I've got an absolute higher power my higher power is Jesus I found I talked to you about that the week after what happened to me.

48:53I used to pray for him. I used to wake up in the morning and go, for fuck's sake, how am I still alive? I used to pray for heart attack. I used to get home and then neck, neek gin, like half a bottle of gin, just to fucking knock myself out, just try and kill myself. I don't know what I was doing. I just knew that it was game over. I knew for months it was game over. And I remember I took that week off the piss and it was November the 5th. It was fireworks night and we went to Leeds Castle to watch the fireworks. But my car had gone in the garage. I remember looking at my wife thinking, I've had a week off the piss, I can't be an alcoholic.

49:33I've had a week off. I had to have a couple, it'd be fine because I'm going to drink with her dad. It'd be fine. I'll have a couple of beers with her dad. Don't remember the fireworks. My missus drove her car. And then she said to me that I was in the car on the way back and it was pouring with rain in the pitch black. because she's fucking crying because she hates driving in the rain and the dark. Trying to get her home as quick as I could because I needed to drink because obviously I've got an hour in between having my last drink and then being in that car to get home. That hour was fucking torture when you were an alcoholic.

50:06Oh, I know. When that craving's there, mate, you're white-knuckling like this. It's the anxiety, isn't it? The killer. Unbelievable. Scary. And there was no gear, obviously, because I was with my family. I would never have sniffed in front of them. and I slipped in front of my missus a few times she didn't even know but she know now I've just told you that and no one ever knows that and trying to get home as quick as possible invited my mum and sister around my house I was already fucking out my nut I remember buying them two bottles of gin and myself a load of beers I remember sinking them beers and then nothing I don't remember anything I had to watch CCTV of my house to watch what happened kicking my mum and sister out my house My mum punched me in the face.

50:49Don't know what I was saying. My mum punched me in the face. I remember leaving my house on the ring doorbell and not coming back for about an hour. And I was like, I don't remember where I've just been. I woke up in that morning and I went, whatever's out there, please fucking help me because I've got nothing left. I've got no answers. I've got no questions. I've got no sorries. I've got no alibis. I've got no more lies. I've got nothing left. I am a shell of a fucking person. If there's anything, take me now. Kill me. Or if there's anything, please help me. I remember saying that in my fucking bedroom.

51:27And I really meant it. Nothing happened. I was fucked the next day on a Sunday. Monday come, I went to pick up. And I remember I went to get a bottle of gin. And I remember a voice in my head, this side of my head. No, you can believe me. You don't have to believe me. this side of my head here said you haven't got to do this anymore a bloke it was a male voice but you need to get help and I remember stepping back I remember hearing that and stepping back like taking a step physical step back and going I don't have to drink anymore but I need to get help what am I going to do but with hope a little bit of hope like I was going to sort this out you know when you wake up you believed it brother believed it for the fucking it was here in my chest a warm feeling here and I went shit so I remember fucking ringing a fellow now I know it's a fellow a girl and saying look how have you got because I bumped into her seven months before she was seven months cyber she used to drink and vodka to leave the house the girl was fucking nuts like alcoholic through and through and I remember saying to her how have you got cyber help me now fucking help me this was the Monday and she told me to go to the 12 step programme everyone knows what I do and that was the Wednesday.

52:43I went to my first meeting on the Wednesday and haven't had a drink since. How long ago was that? Two years, one month. Come on, brother. Oh, bro, you have no idea. Like, I can see it's heavy. That's nothing. No, I can imagine. It's nothing, bro. What action did you take to pull yourself out of that dark hole other than just turn up to a meeting? Bro, the meeting did it. The meeting did it. The meeting, my first meeting. What was it about? I remember leaving. I remember sitting all I remember from that meeting is being scared shitless outside in my car I'm shaking now bro it's horrible talking about it but being scared shitless in my car thinking if this don't work I'm dead like if this don't work I'm dead so I remember going into that meeting and I don't remember much of the meeting I remember this bloke sharing he shared a story and I went oh my god he's talking about me in my head I thought he's talking about me and then someone else shared a lady she's fucking talking about it's like the meeting had been put on for me it was like an intervention or something like they were all talking about me but I wasn't alone anymore these people are the same as me it's like I must have left that meeting with absolute hope I remember going home sitting on the sofa crying to my missus just fucking bawling like I feel like maybe this is it like maybe I can get well she's just like she's heard it all before bruv do you know what I mean then I went to the meeting on the Friday there was a Wednesday meeting and a Friday meeting I went to both of them kept going back kept going back kept going back Like, they took the cotton wool out my ears and put it in my mouth.

54:13Just listen. Sit and listen to the similarities, not the differences. Sit and listen, listen, listen. And you start to get these answers about what you're doing, why you're doing it, what they've done to get better. And you're just like, oh, my God. It all started to just – and then I knew whatever happened to me in my bedroom that day was a high-power moment. It was out – well, not in my bedroom, but when I surrendered, I had fuck all left Liam Liam were talking I had nothing left You were done I was done If they would have gone there I would have shot myself I would have pulled the fucking trigger on my head Do you know how insane it is?

54:51As an addict You spend your life living a lie You become a liar Absolutely But when you flick the switch And you go sober Especially like you have You then go the polar opposite You don't just become honest You become hyper honest Mate It saved my life I'm going to overshare Yeah, but that is the only way. It's the only way, bruv. It's the only way to beat a substance is to be completely honest. Nothing is in here anymore. It's all out. She looked at me one day. She said to me, when she knew, when she knew it weren't Aaron anymore, it was the night of my mum punching me in the face. And she said, she come in that bedroom.

55:24I stood in front of her in my room. My eyes were black. She said there was a devil in me. She says that to me all the time. Aaron, it was a devil. It was a devil. She says, my wife says that to me. It was not my husband anymore There was black The anger in your face I've never seen you do that I've never seen anyone with that face And I don't remember looking at her in that bedroom You were probably so infuriated That something's beating you every day God, I don't know Then she went to me Why the fuck do you keep doing this? And I said, for the first time I went I don't know Yeah, why do we do it?

56:01I don't know I still fall off the rails from time to time Like you when you just sat there crying. I've sat in my car just like you many a time, just staring by myself. Kills you, doesn't it? Overwhelmed and I'm thinking, why? Kills you, brother. But it's better out than in. And what about how many friends did you have to get rid of? Do you know what? Not many, man, because I was a lone... Oh, you was a lone drinker anyway. I was a lone drinker, wasn't I? Yeah. I can't, I'm not going to mention this, but my dealer is a very good friend of mine.

56:39Oh, mate. We're not massively good friends anymore, but we're still acquaintances and all that, but they respect me. They were trying to stop it. They were trying to get away from me. They were trying to get away from me in the end. They didn't want to serve me. They didn't want to go near me. So you was an absolute wrecking machine. Fucking awful. I'd manipulate them into bringing it, and I wouldn't even be in the pub. It'd be someone else picking it up. It was madness, bruv. No, I get it. What about vampires along the way? Like, surfing off the back of your fame? Especially if you're in a vulnerable state.

57:12Have you had many people try and exploit you? I've always been on the back foot with that. I've always seen them come in. There's been a few times when we've nearly been scammed and stuff before, but that's just going into business levels and all that. But I've been promised a hell of a lot of stuff. Do you know what I mean? I've had nights out with people who have promised me the world and it's never happened and they'll probably wake up. They're probably the same as me, just an alcoholic. Mate, the industry's rife. The industry's awful. I've sniffed coke with the best of them, bruv. Cool, I've got some stories, Liam, I tell you.

57:46Well, this is the time to share them. I can't mention names. No, I know. I can't because people love these people. But this is actually quite a good message to put out. like Instagram, I think is destroying a lot of people's brains. It's not real, is it? If people are portraying the perfect life, like what you do, what you do now is great. Yours is like full blown entertainment. That's going to put a smile on my face, but you're not cruising around in a Lamborghini with a fake smile. And people have to understand that if you're comparing yourself to someone you look at online, I'm sorry for them people, bruv.

58:15I do, because that person is probably more miserable than the person that wants to be them. Of course they are. Otherwise they wouldn't be doing all that. It's all fake, man. It's filled by insecurity. Of course it is. Look, when you've got all that money and fame, you don't show it. Do you know what I mean? I don't ever put my cars online. I don't ever show people what I've got and what assets I've got and what I've bought and what I've invested in the past. I don't do all that. I'm sitting here now in a little Nike and a vest. I don't... I'm not here with a fur jacket. Have you been shrewd along the way, though?

58:45Oh, bruv, I've been terrible with money. I must have gambled fucking 200 grand. I think that's minimal. My missus is going to kill me. Liam! I suppose, is this part of the 12-step programme? Well, honestly. What you're doing now? Oh, I don't know. Just reliving the past, isn't it? But it's good talking about it, brother. The 12 steps. Talk to me about the... You're passionate about the 12 steps. Absolutely. Talk to me about the 12 steps. So step one is powerless over alcohol. Because there's going to be people that have been living in denial for many, many years and they're just about to lose their entire fucking family.

59:19And the 12 steps could save everything. 100%. You rewrite your past. You rewrite your, you find a new way of living. You find a bridge to normal living. That's what they say and that's exactly what happens. The promises are true. You will find a life behind your wildest dreams. That is 100 % true. Yeah, let's say that I'm a raging alcoholic. Yeah. I'm definitely, I can definitely fall off the wagon. Yeah. No two ways about it. But I feel like I'm in control of it and I tend to drink to celebrate, not to commiserate. And I like to think I'm in control. And when I put the brakes on the brakes are on and when I want to take long breaks, I'll take long breaks.

59:51but I do know once it's in my system it's got me you've got to be honest with yourself I'm aware of that I know it's got me it's like shit I'm now three days in no one decides to drink for three days it's honesty within yourself and it's complete surrender so let's just say that I'm a raging alcoholic give me hope by depicting the 12 step programme for me so you would come into the room I'll take you into the rooms right you would sit down and you'd listen to the similarities you would listen you would I can guarantee you 100 % And in that first meeting I take you, you will hear something that resonates with yourself.

1:00:26100%. I wouldn't pressurise you in any way. I'd say, did you like the meeting? Yeah, it was good. Yeah, I'm all right. We've got one coming up on Friday. Would you like to come to that one? I'd get them to start coming back. Is the meeting the first step? The meeting's the absolute first step. Okay, so talk me through the next 11. So basically, right, so they keep coming back to the meetings. They start to get questions in their minds about what they want to say. They start to get the answers to them questions. And then when it comes down to the fact that when they really want to start the work, they get a sponsor.

1:00:56So someone, when I'm sitting in the rooms, you find yourself a sponsor, which means someone in that room who you resonate with, who you love the way they talk. And they've been through a 12-step program. They're armed with the facts about a 12-step program. You ask them to be your sponsor and then they start taking you through our big book. they start giving you a set of suggestions which is they're simple set of suggestions which is ring two other alcoholics a day start a gratitude list which is ten things I'm thankful for a day I do all this this is what I do I pray in the morning for a sober day I ring two other alcoholics I read two pages of the big book I do my just for today card I do my gratitude list which is ten things I'm thankful for it's so hard at the beginning to be thankful for anything because you're a piece of shit do you know what I mean now I can write that I can write twenty of what I'm thankful for I'm thankful for fucking breathing I'm thankful for looking at the trees.

1:01:48I'm thankful for doing a school run without shakes. I'm thankful for prayer. Do you know what I mean? Having a faith. I'm thankful for a sober morning without dread. Do you know what I mean? I'm thankful for all these. That's 10. There you go. There's 10 straight away. Start getting, start, get a really, really good step one, which is you're powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable. I am completely powerless over alcohol. if I have one drink nothing else matters Liam you do not matter anymore my wife and kids at home don't matter anymore I have to get another drink the power of Craven and the powerlessness takes over my body it ain't me anymore and my life had become unmanageable my fucking mind had become unmanageable also my mind my mind and my life had become completely unmanageable I didn't know what the fuck I was doing anymore you're very highly functional aren't you there's a lot of doors in your mind isn't there fuck me bruv and you tend to find like I say the the fine line between genius and madman is because a lot of geniuses have got so much going on upstairs that that just takes the noise.

1:02:54Like you say, what'd you go? Heavy metal into classical. Yeah, perfect analogy. Mate, when you said that, I mean, you've said so many things that all I want to do is go, but... No, you're fine, do it. Because I get it. Yeah, you get it. It's like, fuck, I get that. Yeah, you've just turned my brain from heavy metal to classical. It's like, shit, I'll be using that one. 100%. Step two, I won't go really far into it. I don't want to scare anyone. I got to step four. Yeah. Step two is knowing and knowing and coming to terms with a higher power can take this off you. You can't do it yourself. I can't run on self will anymore.

1:03:28I, I want to kill myself slowly. If I run on self, if Aaron comes back in this room today, if I stopped my program, I stopped my faith. I stopped praying tomorrow. I'll be Aaron waking up in bed and I'll go, right. What do I want to fucking do to myself today? When I give myself over every day, I wake up in the morning which is step three I give myself over I've given my life over to now God 100 % I did it in a Canterbury Cathedral I did it in the March coming in November I did it in the March it's a God I offer myself to thee to build me and to do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power thy love and thy way of life may I do thy will always I want him to rule my life.

1:04:15I want him to direct the way I think. If I think for Aaron, I'm fucking dead. I am dead, mate. I'm a selfish piece of shit, self-centered, self-pity, jealous, dishonest, arrogant piece of shit. Low self-esteem comes slipping back in. Nothing's ever enough. That's me. That's Aaron. Do you know what I mean? And then step four is the massive one. Step four, you go back in your life. You start for, well, I started for when I was one to 10, 10 to 20 30 to 40 then the rest of every resentment I've ever had against anyone took me 11 months to write out any resentment I've ever had against anyone in my past but then you'll see your part you played in that resentment so when I was a kid I fucking hated my school teachers for being pricks I remember one one of my school teachers belting me when I was at when I was at primary school why did they belt me?

1:05:09because I was being a little shit in the class I know I can see the part I played in that. Right. In that resentment I've got, I can see the fact that, hold on a minute, I was 75 % of that resentment. I caused that resentment. So who am I to be to have a go at someone calling me a fat c*** at school? Well, I've called someone fat in the past, so I'm being dishonest. This is how I live my life now. I'm arrogant. I'm not thinking about how they're feeling calling me that. They've called me that because they might be hurting. Do you know what I mean? I'm thinking about them now. I'm not being arrogant.

1:05:39I'm not being dishonest. I'm not in self pity well me me me it happened to me the world owes me what nothing do you know what I mean I'm here to help others now this is how I've lived my so all that resentment from the past in them last 43 years have gone because I've given it over to someone else now I've told someone else about I sat in front of my sponsor in step five and I told him my fucking life story about all my resentments and at the end of that step four when I've written out 300 and saying names it was big resentments I can see all the part my ex was in there I was going to say it's the only resentments in there that will shock me the ones what hurt me the most were the resentments towards myself I ripped literally an A4 pad on myself about what I'd done and when you write mate when you when you see it in black and white I know what I've done but when I write it down I'm like and that's why it took me 11 months because I was always saying to my sponsor yeah I'm doing it I'm doing it but I was too scared my god it killed me some of the stuff I've written down oh my god what I've done to my kids the mental abuse I put my kids through never physical I was always the fucking go on here I'd buy them anything I'd buy them anything but I wasn't present in their lives yeah I had my 13 year old son come up to me you didn't purposefully abuse them no way just your lack of presence was abuse fuck off you're in the way didn't tell them that but I'd make them go away yeah yeah my son's 16 I've seen him I've seen him twice a week since he was 14 months so I'm probably going to cry again now.

1:07:10This one fucks me. He's 16 now. When he was 13, he'd come up to me and he went, Dad, I went, what's up? He went, every time I come round your house, you go out, is it me? Real value shows up in reliability you don't have to second guess. Like a set of Firestone all-season tyres. They're designed to deliver confidence-inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride, no matter the road, season after season. Firestone all-season tires. For durability, you can count on. Just like people count on you. Firestone. Always dependable. Since 1900. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't.

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1:08:25No.

1:08:29Killed me. And it weren't him. It was me and my addiction. I couldn't be in that house with him. Because I was, fucking, all right, sweet, yeah, yeah. I was just like, fucking, that constantly. I had to change the way I felt. I couldn't be in that environment because I didn't know how to be that geezer. I didn't know how to be that husband and dad. They say, didn't they, like, the best and worst thing about becoming sober is you find your feelings. The worst thing is you find your feelings, but the best thing is you find your feelings. So when you found your feelings again, what were the pros, what were the cons?

1:09:05What were the bits you liked the most? All I've ever wanted to be is okay in my own skin without a drink. And now I've got it. So before I move on, because you've spent the last 13 years in and out of London doing content and you live in Dover, just some cultural questions that I'd love to pick your brain on. But before we go there, now that you've been sober for over two years and you've got everything off your chest, are you the happiest you've ever been? In my adult life, yeah. How the fuck? Beautiful. Bruv, I can't even... Do you love life now? Yes. It's like winning the lottery. But life, lottery.

1:09:48I can't believe what I did. I can't believe who I was. I wasn't... And now you can't believe... It's like I've read a monster. Yeah. And now he's dead. He's dead. I don't want to see him again. You don't miss him. Oh, my God. Nah. If he'd come in here now, I'd fucking kill him. I'd kill him. I'd put the boot in. Please, Liam. Yeah. Kill him. We'll come back to what the future leads. Yeah, of course. But let's go into some cultural stuff. Have you seen a societal decline in the last 13 years doing your content? Jesus Christ, yes. In London and Dover. I don't go to London anymore. London's terrifying.

1:10:25There's certain bars you can't even go in anymore. Because you never used to look terrified when you was in London. No, absolutely not. I loved it. It was a buzz. It was absolutely mental. But I was in London. Mate, London's changed so much. I am, before we even go on, if I make a mistake with something I say, I don't mean it. So I have friends from all cultures, all religions, completely. I love everybody, right? Well, your crew looks multicultural. Absolutely. Yeah, your gang. Absolutely, man. Yeah, absolutely. Different religions and stuff. And it's like, look, I have seen the biggest change, not only in my town, my hometown.

1:11:01The high street is desecrated.

1:11:07I don't know what the answer is anymore all I see now online and on the news is shit is theft is stabbings is murders is rapes is gangs and nothing seems to be happening nothing seems to be happening about it it's just getting worse bro I don't care about me I care about my kids my kids my kids are 16, 11 and 9 by the time they're 20 years old mate, what nothing changes now so talk to me about my living in Dover so have you seen the dinghies coming through? we've seen the boats, yeah so basically we don't see the dinghies we see them being brought in on the old lifeboats so they've converted lifeboats now I think it's it might not be converted I might get this wrong they look like lifeboats but they're grey so they're probably something to do with the navy or something So they bring them in on that.

1:12:03Border force. That's it, the border force boats. So they bring them in. You can walk down the pier. You can walk down the new pier. And on this side, you'll see them coming in. So you can literally, you could probably wave at these people and they wave back. Like they're that close. They're 30 metres away. They bring them in, put them in minibuses and they're gone. What's the general feel within the community of Dover having all these new men coming through? Because I'm assuming that they're predominantly men. We don't see them in our... We haven't got no immigrant hotels in that. Not yet. No.

1:12:37These people are brought in and then they've gone up the country. So I went to Birmingham the other week and I remember walking into a hotel to go and get some money out of a cash machine and the security jumped all over me. Get out, get out. And I was like, oh my God, I'm in a migrant hotel. I got excited about it because I only hear about it on the news. So was it a migrant hotel? A migrant hotel. And up the whole street, I was talking to the taxi driver after every hotel on that street so I've marked a hotel and it's even the people in the cars are like don't even notice don't even notice this area anymore like it's they're taking boroughs and and it's not like they're putting a great deal into the community no so basically we've got we've got a barracks near Folkestone Sean Cliff Barracks yeah so they're all in there but they're in the parks in the daytime bro do you know what I mean I'm parking my car up and we got an ice cream the other week My missus had gone out and she was getting the house ready for a party for my little girl.

1:13:33So I took my little girl to a park. Mate, they were all in the park. Look, I'm not saying, I'm not sitting there going, fuck. I'm just saying they're grown men in a children's park. It looks bad. They might not be doing anything bad. They might just be hanging about because they've got nothing to do. It looked terrifying. Yeah, I mean, it is bad. Yes Liam it is It is bad I don't want to come across As this fucking racist I'm not racist in any way I know you don't But I'm going to say something Someone can manipulate online I know what people do now I know what people are going to do After this interview They're going to pick bits out You'll probably get sticked I'm a fucking dad Just by being in a room with me I don't care Liam you're a good boy Because I'm so vocal about The whole situation But I've seen this coming For the last 10-15 years People like you have to be You and Tommy and all that Like as a normal member of society I've been told in the last 10 years that Tommy Robertson is dangerous and all this and all that and all this I see it online and now the news have manipulated some of the stuff he says bruv it's come very true it really has and just think a lot of people are backing him and then all this reform stuff's coming in I don't know how you feel about reform we haven't got to talk about this but when Nigel Farage is up there now and all I'm seeing is just GBM news on my Instagram and that because the algorithm's pushing it and I'm seeing him talking I'm like I wouldn't mind a bit of that and then you've got the government you've got Starmer and doing all these bits and people are just like fuck this government and then you've got obviously the mayor mate the crime rate's gone up about 64 % or saying as I saw the other day well the fact that you won't go into London anymore no I don't need to is nuts and do you know what mate so this is this is going to sound weird I don't understand how these phone jackers and all these people stabbing people for phones how they live with themselves.

1:15:28What sort of society have they been brought up in where they think that's absolutely okay to do? That's the terrifying thing, yeah? There's no faith or anything anymore. There's no faith. There's no Christianity. There's no... Exactly that. And I'm not religious, but I would love to see the resurrection of Christianity in the country. Oh, mate, it'd be amazing, wouldn't it? How I feel now, the love I have in my chest for every single person, the love I have for my family, and the morals I have now, how I don't even want to make eye contact with someone to make them feel bad. I don't even want to give someone an evil look.

1:16:07If everyone had that, bruv, just find love. Just find fucking faith, man. Do you know what I mean? Just find faith. This is me saying effing faith, but I'm getting baptised this Sunday. I'm getting baptised December the 7th. I'm going to completely give myself over to Christ. Yeah, good man. Honestly, bruv, like, whatever's happened to me, if I could just please bottle this up and sell it and let people drink it. And what do you think about Ant Middleton becoming mayor? Will you be rooting for him? Absolutely. I love the bloke. I love him. He's a good friend. Like, he's a nice person. Do you know what I mean?

1:16:46People are giving him absolute stick, but just listen to what he's saying. Nothing unreasonable. Mate, nothing. Nothing at all. And even he's saying in 2027 there's going to be they reckon there's going to be a war. They reckon these people are being brought in while they're getting put into military camps. Military camps, bro. Unless something really drastic changes and changes quick. What do you think is going to happen? Can we say this? Yeah. Do you think the terrorist attacks will go up like they were before? I think we're heading for an almighty one. Yeah. In what way? There's too many see all these migrants that are coming.

1:17:21I mean forget about illegal migration. That's a major, major, major issue. No paperwork. They're probably fleeing their own country because they've done something wrong. But also legal migration is a major issue. You know, if you look at the demographic, if you look at the percentage of the indigenous Englishmen, the British, we're being diluted. So that's a problem. And obviously Christianity gets zero respect. You can say what you like. You can say what you like. Say what you want about it. But the other one, which when you get the radicals part of it, the Islamists. We are getting so many Islamists coming into the country that they're being plotted about that they could quite easily orchestrate an almighty attack.

1:18:03And we just haven't got the infrastructure or resources. And I don't even think we've got the intelligence to deal with it. Because if we did have the intelligence, we wouldn't be allowing more and more in. So I'm very worried as to what's going to happen. And we have to stop making apologies for thinking. It's like, no, no, no. We have got at least 40 ,000 terrorists. I think it was 80. On the MI5 watch list. Someone told me it was 80. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah. That scared the hell out of me. And I've also seen the paperwork that backs that up. Oh, my God. That they didn't want to show on the podcast.

1:18:36It's terrifying, isn't it? Yeah, it is terrifying. But without shifting this into a big political one, because I want this to be remembered as Aaron's life story. Yeah. And although you did shed some tears. Really sorry about that, man. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the whole joke. I mean, what a fucking character you are. So I asked you, I said, who was Aaron Craskill when he was a child? Who was Aaron Craskill when he was a teenager? Who is Aaron Craskill now? He's a sober adult. I'm a very grateful dad and husband. I now help others. I now sponsor people to get them well. when before I could never, ever have helped anyone unless you did say it for me first.

1:19:21Again, I'm just going to mention the gratitude I have in my life now. I'm present. I'm thoughtful. I'm happy. And I don't want anything else in life. If my life, if you said to me, Aaron, this is how you're going to feel for the rest of your life. Brilliant. I can't wait. I can't wait to see my kids grow up. I can't wait to do this now. I can't wait to help others. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow without an obsessive head. I haven't woken up with one today either. And the dread and the fear and the anxiety and the panic and the nervousness which chained me down to addiction, bound me to no faith.

1:20:12I'm glad it's all been lifted. And I, the Aaron sitting here now is a very grateful one. That's all I can say. And what about plans for the future? Have you got like a, I know that sobriety is all about the power of now. Yeah, of course. Being present and it's beautiful. Daily programme, today, today, yeah. I know about the importance of being present. Right in this second, right in this moment. And I have been, I'll be honest with you, it's been quite a tricky interview for me because I've not wanted to think past where we're at. The journey you've took me on today, it's helped me in so many ways.

1:20:43You've never, I can't even, the drive home's going to be no music. Not a dry eye in the house. You said you were playing Meatloaf. I will probably, but I need to think about what's just happened. Yeah. I've never, because the honesty has never been this honest. The honesty has been beautiful. And it's a shame. I wish people could feel the energy sometimes because there's watching it on YouTube or Spotify, but there's actually like being in the room with a human being like you, you've got very, very special energy. and I'm so glad that you found yourself again because I don't know who it was I don't know who I found it would be so sad not having you in the world oh thank you and you think of all the hearts that you touch as well it'll break a few hearts watching this they'll think fucking hell I'm sorry man I just hope it helps someone well there we go final message then what would you say to anybody out there watching this that's struggling and they don't know which way to turn or they've not got the strength be honest be honest if you've got no friends no family be honest to a professional organisation a 12 step programme get on Google and look for it if you've got friends and family if you can't speak to your family speak to your friends if you can't speak to your friends speak to your family first you just need to open your mouth and get whatever's in here and in here out now get it out and if it doesn't go away you need to get into either a 12 step programme find faith start going to church start doing inventory on yourself start writing Start writing while you're feeling terrible.

1:22:10Start writing your past resentment. Start writing. Inventory is massive. Just get it out of you, either on paper and pen or with your voice. And the common denominator there is take action. Take now. Yeah, don't just sit in the sadness. Don't sit with it, mate. Don't sit with it. I'll tell you what you're doing. You're sitting in a prison cell right now. Sitting there in a prison cell. The door's already open. Door's open. Walk through it. well normally I'd say I'll put Aaron's social media links in the description but I'm sure you've all got them but I am going to put them there anyway just in case Aaron's new to you but I won't make a secret about it I fucking love the geezer and if you do too go and follow him go and support his work every single thing he does is purposeful to put a smile on your face and he delivers every single time like and subscribe to the channel please because you just aren't going to get these long format honest conversations elsewhere and I'll have a thumbnail here for you to click also.

1:23:08But Aaron. You are incredible. Man. I fucking love you, Gita. I love you, brother. I need a hug. I need a hug. We're going to have a hug. Please, can we have a hug? Yes, I'll get out. Oh, I need to, mate. I need to. Oh, Liam, honestly, bruv. Blow me away, man. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, fucking Gita. I love you, mate. Yeah, I love you, brother.

1:23:31At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc, ready to be seen? Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu.

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