In short
Charlotte “Eman 11” describes 23 years of addiction to crack, heroin, and “snowballs” (mixing “white and brown” and injecting in the groin), including violence, prison, psychosis, sex work, pregnancy, and recovery via 12-step meetings.
Guest backgrounds
Charlotte is a mother of three (two girls, one boy). She reports 77 convictions starting at age 12 (street robbery), multiple prison sentences including Medway Secure Training Centre (later shut down for abusing children) and Holloway (described as the scariest). She says she was introduced to crack at 13 by older peers and to heroin by the father of her daughters.
Key claims
Addiction escalated from weed/alcohol to crack at 13, heroin at 16, injecting at 19, and long-term “snowball” use. She reports psychosis/paranoia after years of use and sectioning in 2018. She says her children were exposed in utero and treated with methadone/Oramorph. She credits 12-step meetings after a suicide attempt and is nearly 18 months/500 days clean, sponsoring others.
Notable examples
stabbing four times after sexual assault; injecting in the groin with near-fatal complications; overdose with very low breathing; fear of being kidnapped underground; Christian rehab with monthly visits; dealers selling even while she was sectioned; father of daughters described as a convicted murderer.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOA Dark Journey Begins
0:28 to 2:25
Exploration of the guest's early life and introduction to drug use.
“First one when I was 12 for street robbery.”
The Spiral of Addiction
2:25 to 4:08
Discussion of the progression from minor drug use to severe addiction.
“You had a perfectly normal childhood, happy, parents were cool.”
The Impact of Trauma
4:08 to 5:54
How past trauma influences addiction and behaviors.
“that if they're sniffing Charlie, they'll use Valium to come down and put themselves to sleep.”
Family Influence on Addiction
5:54 to 7:42
Examination of family dynamics and their role in the guest's addiction.
“my fourth birthday oh okay so now that I've done a little bit of work around it obviously that's meant to be a happy time in the family but obviously it's not because my granddad's hung himself.”
First Encounters with Crack
7:42 to 9:40
The guest shares their initial experiences with crack cocaine.
“I knew that my dad, you know, did take drugs.”
Legal Consequences of Addiction
9:40 to 12:18
Discussion of the guest's criminal history and convictions related to addiction.
“But if they're going to be, for whatever reason, if they're an older cousin, it's their duty to look after you.”
Reflection on Violence and Survival
12:18 to 14:00
Insights into the relationship between violence, survival, and addiction.
“First one when I was 12 for street robbery.”
Life Behind Bars: Early Encounters with Crime
14:32 to 18:09
Discussion about early experiences with crime and incarceration at a young age.
“An all-new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+.”
The Descent into Addiction
18:09 to 20:20
Exploration of the progression from childhood drug use to adulthood addiction.
“But, yeah, it wasn't something that I thought about, I really want to do this when I get out.”
The Reality of Prostitution
21:09 to 22:58
Discussion on entering prostitution as a means to fund addiction.
“I've never worked a beat because there isn't a beat where I'm from.”
Show all 23 chapters
Living in Fear: The Impact of Addiction
22:58 to 26:38
Insights into the mental health struggles and paranoia during addiction.
“but, you know, when you are using crack and heroin, that is what's going to happen, and everything that I said I would never do, I did.”
Navigating Family and Addiction
26:38 to 28:00
Discussion on the challenges of being a parent while battling addiction.
“like I was sitting around a house with the dealer.”
Facing Addiction as a Parent
28:00 to 30:07
The guest discusses the challenges of being a parent while struggling with addiction.
“Yeah, but I convinced myself in there or my head was telling me because I was only allowed to see my kids once a month So you had children during your addiction?”
The Dark Side of Addiction
31:05 to 38:01
An exploration of the harsh realities and near-death experiences in the life of an addict.
“What's the reality of being a parent and an addict at the same time, to the extreme you were?”
The Turning Point: Seeking Recovery
38:02 to 42:00
The guest reflects on their turning point and desire to pursue recovery after years of despair.
“I remember being in hospital from nearly losing my leg from injecting in my groin and I discharged myself from the hospital and went and banged up straight in my groin again.”
Turning Point: The Decision to Get Clean
42:00 to 43:32
Learn about the pivotal moment leading to the decision to seek recovery from addiction.
“But let's talk about the moment where you thought, enough, I need to get clean.”
Understanding Temptation and Triggers
43:32 to 45:12
Explore the ongoing challenges of temptation and the mental battles faced in recovery.
“And you literally after the first visit there, you've been clean since?”
The Long Road to Self-Discovery
45:12 to 46:28
Discuss the dual nature of sobriety, revealing both the joys and the struggles of self-awareness.
“and I don't ever want to take that risk.”
Shifting Perspectives on Addiction
46:28 to 47:52
Gain insight into the mindset of addiction and the stigma surrounding it.
“So from, you know, going from doing what I was doing to now being a mum to three children and running a home and being a single parent is hard as it is.”
Speaking Out: The Power of Sharing Truth
47:52 to 49:28
Understand the healing power of sharing personal stories of addiction and recovery.
“And for mothers out there, you know, I want them to know you're not a piece of shit, you're ill, you're sick.”
Hope and Future Aspirations
49:28 to 51:38
Learn about the importance of hope in recovery and future goals beyond addiction.
“And then I wanted to die like that because I just wanted the pain to stop.”
Reflections on Addiction and Control
51:38 to 53:09
Discover personal reflections on addiction, control, and ongoing management of impulses.
“You're just taking each day as it comes.”
Honesty in Addiction Recovery
56:01 to 57:16
Discussion on personal experiences with addiction and the importance of honesty in recovery.
“And that's why a lot of people have flaws.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Let's jar something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The certified fresh series returns. Your boss. You always like this? Or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! There is a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to live.
1:00I have got 77 convictions. First one when I was 12 for street robbery. When I was 13, I was sexually assaulted. It started off with weed, alcohol. Before I know it, I'm smoking crack at 13. I'm on heroin at 16. Prison. I snowballed for 13 years straight in my groin. I nearly lost my leg twice. I went to prison for malicious wounding. Stabbed someone in the head four times. The place was shut down in the end for abusing all the kids in there that didn't have families to tell. How am I going to tell my mum and dad that I'm hooked on heroin and I'm pregnant at 17 years old? The father of my daughters is a convicted murderer.
1:34It's dark, seedy, a lot of horrible, nasty things go on in that world. Especially to women. A lot don't make it out alive, that's the reality of it. People being stabbed. I've been stabbed twice. I've had samurai swords to my throat. When I woke up in hospital, my dad was there and the first thing I did was ask him for money. How long was you on the game for?
1:59Charlotte, thanks for coming on. You've got a very dark, powerful story with a happy ending, I'm pleased to say, but we're going to have to go through the unhappy parts so the audience get an idea of the journey that you've been on and hopefully people can relate and take strength from your story, which I believe is why you're putting your story out there. So I want to get straight into it. You had a perfectly normal childhood, happy, parents were cool. If I've got that wrong, correct me. But from my research, from the age of 11, you entered into a world of hard drugs. So in your own words, in your own time, just paint that picture for me, how that took place.
2:45Yeah, I went to secondary school and it just all went wrong from there, really. It started off with weed, alcohol, but it just sort of went bang, bang, bang, bang. Before I know it, I'm smoking crack at 13. I'm on heroin at 16. I'm injecting it at 19. Snowballs in my groin. Prison. First went to prison when I was 13 years old as well. Was there somebody that introduced you to these class A drugs? Because for someone so young to get straight into crack and brown and say snowballing into your groin, for people that don't know this, This is mixing white and brown together and then injecting it in there.
3:26So, again, that's like this is really heavy drug use and abuse. Was there someone steering you, encouraging you? Yeah. I was kicked out of school, so I was hanging about with older people and then I fell into a crowd of people that were, say, I was like 13. They were probably 19, 20. They were quite like naughty people. and yes, I was introduced to crack by them. But heroin was the father of my daughters. That's who introduced me to heroin. But I was already in that game anyway, so I'm sure I would have come across it with someone else. So I don't blame him for that. But yeah, it was him. I got onto heroin.
4:08Yeah, because you find that a lot of people that if they're sniffing Charlie, they'll use Valium to come down and put themselves to sleep. If you're taking it up and you're smoking crack, then the natural progression to get yourself to sleep is the brown. But then did the brown become the powerhouse of the drug that was your go-to or did you just keep mixing between all of them? Yeah, I mean, as soon as I'd done Snowballs, Snowballs was... Fucking hell, I snowballed for 13 years straight in my groin. I nearly lost my leg twice. Yeah, Snowballs for me was a whole different level of addiction. What does Snowball feel like?
4:47it's hard to describe a snowball really, but it's... That's like a severe upper and a severe down at once. Yeah. It's like you get the high, the massive high, but you're not... It's like you're getting a warm... Like a warm cuddle, isn't it? Yeah, at the same time, yeah. Yeah, that's fucking nuts. And you was injecting it in your groin. Was that to hide the marks from people? I mean, it was a bit of both. So I went everywhere, my arms, feet, legs, neck. And my mum kept seeing the bruises on my arms. And then I happened to go out with someone that was injecting in their groin. And then I, once I went in my groin, I never went back because your arms are really small veins.
5:38Your groin is the biggest vein in your body. It's like the size of your thumb. so yeah it was easier to get it although you had a good childhood was there something in your mind tormenting you that you was trying to escape from I mean my granddad did hang himself the day before my fourth birthday oh okay so now that I've done a little bit of work around it obviously that's meant to be a happy time in the family but obviously it's not because my granddad's hung himself. I didn't know that as a kid. But people say that's where maybe it stems from, you know, feeling like there's something, yeah, not quite right.
6:17Yeah, it's heavy. They say, didn't they, the first seven years of your life kind of moulds the rest of it, which is hard to believe when you're 46, but the more you look inwards, kind of all makes sense. Like your brain's not built to make sense of such a serious, heavy-duty scenario. And I'm assuming that wasn't kept quiet from you. You was, like, acutely aware that that is what happened to your grandad at the time. Not when I was four. Probably when I was, like, a little bit older than that, sort of maybe teenage years that I knew. But obviously we knew that something serious had happened. We didn't know that he'd hung himself.
6:54But obviously we knew that he wasn't around anymore. And do you know why he hung himself? I think his mum passed away. And, yeah, I think he was depressed. And he just took his own life. It wasn't my dad's real dad. My dad's real dad died when my dad was two. But either way, he was still my granddad. But yeah, I think it was just depression. And is there, because addiction, they say, is hereditary in there. It may skip a generation. Is there any? I mean, there has been drugs in my family. They're not like, you know, whiter than white. I was going to use that phrase, but I'm glad you used it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
7:33Yeah, yeah. I come from a loving home. But my dad is a... A wild card? Yeah. Would he use drugs in front of you? No, no. I knew that my dad, you know, did take drugs. Did you know he was taking drugs when you was in the house? Could you smell weed, for example? Did you see his behaviour change? I knew that there was stuff going on, yeah, when I was a kid, yeah. But I never looked at that as anything, you know, there was never any trauma there around that. My dad was, you know, been there for me for everything, my dad. I always went to my dad for everything. So, yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't say that I looked at it as like, oh, my God, my dad's doing drugs.
8:18I suppose it's just normal, isn't it? It is when there's dysfunction in the family, yeah. We spoke about being desensitised to things that would make most people's hair fall out. It kind of did mine. But talk to me about the first time you smoked crack because that's heavy. Yeah. I was in a kitchen with a group of people that was older than me. And, yeah, I had a pipe. And, yeah, that moment, it all sort of changed, really. I wouldn't say, but I suppose I was hooked straight away really, because as soon as I'd done it, I wanted it again and again and again. And, you know, even the people that I mixed with, there was like two or three people that were sort of my age as well, or maybe like two years old.
9:10They were closer to my age than the older lot. But I just seemed to have that like hunger for it. Was it encouraged that you do it or was you? Yeah. I think definitely, you know, now me as a mum looking at my kids and the way things are nowadays, you know, being 13 years old and hanging about with men that are 19, 20 is not fucking right. It's not normal at all. No. And they're morally obligated, well, A, to stay away from children. But if they're going to be, for whatever reason, if they're an older cousin, it's their duty to look after you. not be passing your crack pipe saying have a go on that.
9:50And what about the feeling? How does it – I've never smoked crack. So how does that actually, that first hit, make you feel? I fucking loved it. It just took everything away, all my worries. And because it's so fucking nice, it used to make my mouth water like that nice. It was all I thought about. I didn't think about anything else. Consumed the – consumed you immediately. Yeah. And then how soon after the crack did you switch to the brown? Three years later. So I tried heroin when I was 16. Fucking hell. Smoked it first? Smoked it first, yeah. Was you sick? Yeah. I was actually sick for about two weeks.
10:39But because it's that nice, you just, you go back to it. I don't know why we go back to it when it makes you sick like that, but yeah, it was violently sick. I've always wondered because I know that everyone that does heroin for the first time, pretty much without exception, they throw their guts up and they're horrendously ill, but then they go back. I know. I don't get that. It's the feeling so nice, I think. You sort of push that part aside. There's something there obviously drawing you back, isn't there? It just blocks out the noise, takes away whatever pain you're suppressing. Are you ADHD?
11:11I've never been diagnosed with ADHD, but I do think that I've got ADHD. I think if I was a kid nowadays, I'd definitely be diagnosed with it. But, yeah, no, I'm not diagnosed with it. Because that's another thing. A lot of people, if you've been in a kitchen before and people have had their first line, they're all fighting to speak the next or be first in line and they'll keep talking about themselves for as long as someone interrupts and says, my turn. But you find a lot of people with ADHD, they'll do Charlie and it will just bring them. Calm them. It will calm them down. And I think this is like, this has just been found out far too late down the line.
11:55So people are just sort of making sense. Ah, this is why I've got an addiction because there's so much noise going on around here. I found something that stops the noise, but we didn't know this years ago. So you just branded a junkie or, you know, like a derogatory term. And it's like, really, I'm just need a bit of help. So how did they then spiral out of control? You said you went to prison. What did you go to prison for? How many convictions have you got? How bad did life get? How did you fund it? I have got 77 convictions all in all. First one when I was 12 for street robbery. Then I went to prison for malicious wounding, section 20.
12:33Stabbed someone in the head four times. A man. So that's what I went to prison for when I was 13 years old. What did he do for you to stab him four times? Well, when I was 13, I was sexually assaulted in a hotel room. by someone else wasn't this man that I attacked. But I was angry. And then I was hanging about with another group of lads. But anyway, they was the same sort of age, another older lot. And this geezer was meant to be a wronger and a grass or something. And, yeah, I just, I picked up a mug, what you drink, like tea with. And I smashed it over his head and I had the handle in my hand and I stabbed him in the head with that four times.
13:13She had a lot of anger and a lot of violence in you. So would you think you're, are you a naturally violent person by default and you control it now, but do you still have intrusive thoughts about doing violent things? I mean, I wouldn't say I'm a violent person for no reason, but my dad's always told me to stick up for myself. And, you know, violence is not the answer. but you know sometimes people leave you no choice but yeah I wouldn't say that I'm violent in that world you have to be though I think to survive you know I was a girl on my own essentially with these group of people going from people to people to people you know you've got to have something about you haven't you and we're back streaming on Peacock may I present to you the award winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller.
14:11Slap me. Let's jar something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The Certified Fresh Series returns. You're a boss. You always like this? Or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to laugh. An all-new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk.
14:47You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. For bundle subscribers, terms apply. Yes, it's survival of the fittest. And it really, it's in that world. Unless you've stepped foot in it, you haven't got any idea it's Animal Kingdom. And you're dealing with very nasty, volatile, unpredictable people. So you're always on high alert. I've been there. I've been in these dens where there's multiple mattresses and needles and having to drag people out and the whole extreme violence that comes with it all.
15:31So was that the first time you went to jail? When I was 13, yeah. Yeah, but you wasn't an addict as such by that stage. I was smoking crack, but I wasn't bang, bang, bang at it. I took drugs from the age of 11. So it was, I suppose, my daily life, but it wasn't how it was towards the end. Were you clucking when you was in jail for the first time? I wouldn't really say you cluck off crack anyway. Well, not a physical withdrawal, but I was thinking about it in there, yeah. Right. And what was the experience like in there for you at 13? More violence? Yeah, it was quite violent. But the screws in there, in that prison I went to, the place was shut down in the end for abusing all the kids in there that didn't have families to tell.
16:18Medway Secure Training Centre, that place was shut down. I had family, so I wasn't touched. But yeah, Panorama actually went in that place. So we all knew that it was something not quite right going on, which sort of fed my anger at the system, anger at everyone else. Do you know what I mean? So that's one of the 77 convictions. What were the other convictions for? There's been a lot of, like, driving offences. I've been done for three robberies. So I got done for a street robbery when I was 12. I got done for another robbery when I was 15, knife point robbery. And then I got done for a robbery in 2018.
17:04That was when I got my six years down to four of an early guilty plea. That was my longest prison sentence I ever got. And what was that for? That was for a robbery. But because I was an adult, obviously, you get different sort of sentences. Loads of previous. Yeah. And was each prison sentence more difficult because you had a bigger habit? Was it as violent? Holloway is quite a scary prison. That was the scariest prison I've ever been to, Holloway. Oh, really? Yeah, by far. But, I mean, when I got the bigger sentences, I would look for, right, who's got the drugs in there? And I would feed my addiction in prison.
17:41I sort of learnt to sort of angle it whatever way that I could, so that I could use. Did your wheelie deal in there? Yeah, Spice was rife, so I used to get through on that. Yeah, see, what's that like? Because, I mean, every clip I've seen of somebody on Spice makes me think I never want to do that shit. It's a prison thing, definitely. Like, I mean, sitting in your cell and getting off your face to pass the time, it's not bad in there. When I looked at it like that. But, yeah, it wasn't something that I thought about, I really want to do this when I get out. No. When I watch Trainspotting, I could see the allure in Smack, whether it's they painted it that way.
18:26But if you're dealing with a lot of childhood trauma and there's unresolved pain in there and there's something that you can just take and it just sinks you into a ground of comfort and a blanket, and I'm not promoting or advocating drugs, I'm just – I can understand why people turn to these things because it numbs whatever is hurting you inside. So I do get it. So how much were you spending a day or a week? And how were you funding your habit? Anything and everything, really, to feed my habit, robbed off my family, been with men that sold drugs and, yeah, robberies, prostitution. How long was you on the game for?
19:15I was sort of early 20s, I think, when I fell into that. And it started off like sleeping with a dealer, things like that. But my dad actually paid for my habit for a really long time. And I know that sounds bad, but my dad didn't want me going out there, put myself in dangerous situations and end up doing things like that. so I would ring up my dad would give me money 20 quid a day for quite a long time and my mum and dad nearly divorced over it because my mum said Mark you're killing her and my dad was like you know it's my little girl that's a tough situation for him yeah that's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't yeah so anyway he stopped giving me money my dad and that was when I hit the floor really because I was so used to just getting that 20 quid in the morning.
20:11I wasn't clucking. I wasn't, you know, but I become desperate. Can we explore the prostitution side of things? Yeah. Like how did you get into it? How many men were you sleeping with a day? Did you have, was there certain people you wouldn't go near or was it I just need this fix? It doesn't matter who it is. And how would you advertise? How did people know that you was a prostitute? Change a proudly sponsoring the channel. They're the UK's number one e-commerce mentoring program, taking you step by step through building your own business with no experience needed. I've seen their members make life-changing money and free up real time to spend with their families.
20:46Success doesn't happen overnight. You've got to put the work in. The more you put in, the more you get out. What really stands out is their community. It's ram-packed with like-minded people who genuinely support each other. You get one-on-one training, online courses and group seminars, so you're never left on your own. If you're serious about building something new for yourself, message Ryan on Instagram at RyanJB. Where I'm from is a really small town. I've never worked a beat because there isn't a beat where I'm from. It's not that big of a town. It's quite a small seaside town. And I fell into it, like I said, by sleeping with dealers.
21:20And then I would have sugar daddies. So it was normally older men that had money, that were regulars. That was the route that I took. but you know even at the end I ended up robbing them because I didn't want to fucking do it anyway do you know what I mean I didn't want to do it so I sort of burnt all my bridges in the end and there has been times yeah where it's been 20 quid someone off the street walking around early hours in the morning obviously strange men about would you approach them? you know like how an addict can spot an addict you know a fucking druggie I you know I was walking down the street, you know, I could see, even if I didn't know that person, whether they was a smackad or not, and it was sort of the same feeling that I had with them type of men as well.
22:15How did you detach Charlotte, the prostitute, from Charlotte, the person? Because of what happened to me, I think, when I was young, when I was 13, I shut off a lot in that sort of way, I think. And I even looked at it at one point, they'll never have my soul. Do you know what I mean? They've took everything else. So in the middle of a sexual encounter, you could take your mind somewhere completely different and just think, hurry up and get on with it and give me my money so you can get what you need to get. Yeah, it's life-changing, definitely. but, you know, when you are using crack and heroin, that is what's going to happen, and everything that I said I would never do, I did.
23:05Did it get up to three and a half grand a week you were spending on drugs? Yeah. It's just fucking them snowballs. Were the ones? It was like, yeah, they took me to a whole different level of addiction. It was like I would have a hit, I would taste it in the back of my mouth, it would make my mouth water, you know, as soon as I'd had that hit, I'm already thinking about the next one, the next one, the next one, the next one, the next one, the next one. But then I got sectioned for my mental health as well in 2018, so I had really bad psychosis towards the end. Talk me through that and what it feels like as well.
23:45I was frightened a lot of the time. I just lived in fucking fear. Paranoia. Paranoia. It started off with paranoia, being around people, being a little bit uneasy, a bit paranoid. But in the end, I genuinely thought that I was going to be kidnapped and taken underground somewhere. All these like scenarios. I was with my mates, actually, who I was talking about at the beginning, that I knew from when I was 13 years old, that I started smoking crack with. And this was right towards the end of my addiction. This wasn't that long before I got clean really. But I was in a house full of people that I knew and I'd known them all them years.
24:27And because one of them had a van, I got in my head that they was going to fucking put me in the back of this van, take me to London. I was going to be, I thought there was a whole other world under London underground where I was going to be kept as like a sex worker or whatever I don't exactly know what I thought was going to happen but you know I'm saying that now but when you're actually fucking thinking any second that that is going to happen to you it's um yeah it's scary and I remember fucking leaving my phone there um because I thought it was bugged that was one of the times actually I just sat there and I thought I can't do this no more.
25:10That I am just living in fear. I don't know who I am. That I just become like this shell of a person that was still using, but I was in so much pain when I was using. How do you come down from a snowball? Well, because there's gear in it, you know, it's not as intense as like a crack pipe on its own, they're a different type of intense because that's got gear in it as well. But you know, you need something to bring you down from a crack pipe. But normally, you know, if it was the last one, maybe put a little bit more gear in it or tablets, alcohol, you can take anything. Just something to knock you out.
26:01Yeah. And what was the feeling like once you'd reached the point that you'd run out? What was that feeling like? Horrific. I wouldn't leave it. I would not leave it. I would fucking terrorise my family. I would go round to my family's house, demand money, want money, or make up all these stories, like saying it's going to happen to me. Did you ever have a dealer say, I'm not selling you anymore, you're not in a good place? Yeah, it's really weird you say that, actually. My brother found a text on his phone to say, I'm not serving you anymore tonight. like I was sitting around a house with the dealer.
26:41He was sitting in at like a trap house. And I was snowballing so much that I started to have like a weird twitch, like a body popping thing. And it looked like I was having some sort of seizure when I was having it. Anyway, so I've had to go back. I think I was on tag at the time or something like that. It was at my mum and dad's. But because it was like the next road, I kept going, coming back, going, coming back. Or one of them would come and drop it to me. So, yeah, and he said, Charlotte, I'm not serving you anymore. Like, something's going to happen to you if I do. I mean, because not all dealers are fucking arseholes, do you know what I mean?
27:18They're just stuck in that game as well. And was there ever an occasion where you wanted to give up and you went clean for a stint and then someone posted a parcel through your letterbox to get you back on the hook? Because that's another thing that happens. No, I didn't really have any clean time, if I'm honest with you, Liam, in all them years
27:41because if I wasn't having a snowball, I was drinking and smoking crack or I was always doing something, I don't really think there was ever a time that I can say I was fully clean. That's a lie, actually. I did go to a Christian rehab once for three months. Yeah, but I convinced myself in there or my head was telling me because I was only allowed to see my kids once a month So you had children during your addiction? Yeah. How many? I've got three children. And how old were you when you had your first child? 17. Oh, wow. So you had to function to be a parent throughout the entire addiction? My mum and dad stepped in.
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28:19Did social services get involved? They was involved, yeah, but they was happy with my mum and dad. You know, they've got three other children that are not like me. I've got two sisters and a brother that are not like me at all. You know, my mum and dad both work. um so yeah social services was involved because no one knew I was taking heroin or crack until I felt pregnant so I got out of prison when I was 16 got onto heroin but I met the father of my daughters got onto heroin then and then I fell pregnant really quickly so I had a habit and fell pregnant how am I going to tell my mum and dad how am I going to tell anyone that I'm hooked on heroin and I'm pregnant at 17 years old.
29:06Boy or girl? A girl. I've got two girls and a boy. Were they born addicts? All of my children were, yeah. Because that's the other thing, isn't it? They've become addicts in the womb. And how does that get treated? All of my kids were, well, two of them were given Orem off. One of them didn't need it, my middle one. but my eldest daughter was in for a month, four weeks and two days in hospital. There's nothing wrong with any of my children. Thank God all of my children are fine but it was all on methadone. I didn't stay clean, if I'm honest, when I was pregnant. So they had that to deal with. It wasn't just the methadone.
29:48I did calm down. But yeah, so they had to be given Oramorph for... So they give them that and then they wean them off of that. But my middle daughter, she didn't need anything. She was at hospital after two weeks and then my son was in for a month. And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slightly. Let's draw something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The Certified Fresh Series returns. Your boss. You always like this or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone.
30:29Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig. The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to laugh. An all-new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.
31:05Terms apply. Fucking hell, that's heavy. What's the reality of being a parent and an addict at the same time, to the extreme you were? It doesn't work. There's no fucking way I was capable of looking after children. It's not just the drug taking, it's the people that I was with. The father of my daughters is a convicted murderer. He just got out of prison. for murder. So what did you see in him that made you like him? I'd just got out of jail myself, so I remember him pulling up outside this gaff that I was in and he had a really nice car. And, yeah, we just looked at each other through the window and that was it really, but he was a face, he was a bit of a face.
31:45I didn't actually know that he was a murderer until I was about five months pregnant. And who did he murder and why did he murder him? He was meant to have been a paedophile. He was meant to have killed a nonce. Yeah, I don't really know that much about the case, but yeah, meant to have been a nonce and he did it with another bloke. And yeah, so he was about 16 when he went to prison. Didn't get out until he was 29, nearly 30, and that's when I met him. Right. So he was a lot older than you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was 16, he was nearly 30. Did you have any kind of supporting act? Did you have any close friends that would be like, Charlotte, please, like, we can do something.
32:33Let's get you out of this rut that you're in. Because without a support act, you're fucked. And if you're with somebody, I'd imagine he's isolating you from people, keeping you all to himself. And if he's, you know, your codependence, I mean, that suits him down to the ground. Well, my family were always really supportive, my family. But obviously once the kids were there, and rightly so, you know, my mum and dad had to look after my children. And it was, I don't know. I can't remember having any like friends, friends like that. And how old were you when you had a full psychological breakdown?
33:08Is that when you got sectioned? 28, yeah. So, yeah, I would say a few years before that, that I had a little bit of paranoia. but yeah, in the end it was just full on psychosis, nuts, thinking people are tracking my phone, following me. And how long were you in the ward for and how you treated? A month. So a month. Yeah. And what was that like? Did that feel like prison or did it feel more like hospital? Hospital. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's different to prison. Yeah, again, I was off my face a lot of the time because I was only in there for a couple of weeks. And then I was allowed out to go to town and come back and go to town and come back.
33:53So what were you doing? Obviously, I was just going in gear, yeah. Yeah. So even some of these dealers that knew you were on a mental health ward sectioned, they'd still sell you brown. Yeah, and I was in a different area to where I was, though. And it didn't matter where I was. I found drugs. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they don't care. Nah. They don't care. There's a few, maybe one or two dealers that I've come across in all those years that I can sort of say, yeah, they were all right. You can just see they're trapped in that game. But it's like a different world. It's dark, seedy, a lot of horrible, nasty things go on in that world, especially to women.
34:38Did you contract any sexually transmitted diseases while you were doing your thing? No, I was pretty lucky, really. Oh, I had chlamydia once when I was very young, but I had hep C at one point. Is that through needles, though, rather than sex? That's needles, yeah. Yeah, no, I never caught anything. I was quite lucky, really. And how did you manage the hepatitis C? I found out that I had hep C when I went to that Christian rehab place I was talking about. Were you sharing needles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I broke open sin bins before. They're like the black box where they have all the needles. But my justification was because it was me staying there and I was staying there with this other girl, her house.
35:27She used one mils. I used two mils, which were bigger needles. they must be mine but even though people come in and out you know and you're using in there but that was my justification of it it will be mine my needle wasn't my needle You must have had near death experiences how many? Well I've only actually ever had one overdose in all that time I was found on my mum and dad's kitchen floor but it's more, I would say, the situations that I have been in, you know, people being stabbed. I've been stabbed twice. What happened there? I robbed the runner of£80 worth of gear. He actually owed me£80 and he was running for someone at the time.
36:22So he come out, I robbed the£80 worth of gear. I went back to my flat And I didn't think that he would bring them to my house. I didn't think he'd go that far because it wasn't his gear. He was just running for them. But he brought them round. He brought the dealers round. And, yeah, they stabbed me. They stabbed me in the leg and in my bum. And, yeah, I mean, I've had samurai swords to my throat. It's ammonia being chucked around everywhere. You know, it's dangerous, isn't it? Yeah, not many. So the time that you OD'd was that you actually dead for a while? I had something like six breaths a minute or eight breaths a minute.
37:08I don't know what the normal amount is, but it was really, really, really low. And they said if they hadn't found me when they did, eventually it would have just, you know, it wasn't an instant. Because you get instant overdoses where you have a hit and you OD there and then. But you also have, so where I would stay up for days and days and days, using, using, using. You know, I've sort of overdosed in that sense, do you know what I mean? Because I've just kept using and using and using and using. And I also used to take a lot of tablets as well. So, yeah, they just said that eventually I would have just stopped breathing.
37:47And when you OD'd, did you think for a split second, this is enough now? or did you just go straight back to it? No, when I woke up in hospital, my dad was there and the first thing I did was ask him for money. I wasn't ready then. This was, it's like, you know, I remember being in hospital from nearly losing my leg from injecting in my groin and I discharged myself from the hospital and went and banged up straight in my groin again. It was like, and my dad said to me, like, Charlotte, it's one thing losing an arm but losing a leg, what the fuck are you going to do? And where would you go to injecting your groin?
38:28Because my dad used to do that and he would go in his sister's downstairs toilet, for example, and there'd be blood splattered up the walls and there'd be kids in the house and obviously no accountability because he's too fucking tuned to the moon on smack. But did you have a similar sort of experience, like blood splurting everywhere? Yeah, I remember sitting in my mum's dad's bathroom once it was just blood everywhere I couldn't get it I was going this was the point where I was like one mils are really quite small needles and you've got two mils that are a bit bigger because when you keep going in your groin your vein shies away from the surface obviously because it's trying to protect itself I suppose um so I was trying to get it with two mils but I kept going in my archery and so it all blocked up at the end of the needle.
39:21And the squirting is when you're trying to unblock it. It's really hard. It's like the blood clots slightly in the needle. So every time you're pulling back and trying to have a hit, you can't push the needle in. So that's why there's blood everywhere because you're squirting it and it accidentally shoots out. Are you badly scarred down there? through I've got tiny tiny like little scars like that you wouldn't really see them if you didn't you wouldn't know so you've got off quite lightly in that sense yeah so before I ask you the turning point how you got clean because you was an addict for 23 years just and I know that I've been I've asked some pretty intrusive questions and I've not held back it's very purposeful because I've got drug addiction in my family I know the devastation it causes and I think if this interview can save one person or stop one person trying a crack pipe or smoking brown, then we have done God's work.
40:23So if you feel like I've gone in graphic, there's method in my madness. And if we can save a few people, then we've done a good job here today. But before we go to the point and we start getting into the good stuff, the recovery. Just summarise what those 23 years of addiction were like for you. Fucking hell, really. Now, it's a lot of pain and a lot of suffering because it starts off fun, but it very quickly becomes dark, especially when you've got children. You know, when I look back, I think I wasn't happy in my using when I was 17, because I'd had my daughter. So I wasn't happy in myself even then.
41:08Did you ever diagnose with any personality disorders? They said I had bipolar, psychotic behaviour. But a lot of it, I think, is to do with drugs. I'm not like that at all. I mean, we do mad shit when we've got chemicals in our system, things that we would never do in our wildest fucking dreams. even things we think about that we think are perfectly normal at the time when you're high as a kite. And in the cold light of day, you'd be like, fucking hell, what on earth was I thinking? So I know just how badly drugs addle the brain. And you took it to a limit that people in my dad's side of the family have.
41:54And I've lost people, snowballing being one of them in particular, but I'd never done it, which is why I'm also inquisitive because I'll never get the opportunity to ask him because it's too late now. But let's talk about the moment where you thought, enough, I need to get clean. Yeah, I tried to kill myself in the end. I just couldn't. I was in so much pain and causing everyone else so much pain. You know, my daughter's 18 now. you know so all their life all my kids life's been a fucking addict and um yeah I just thought I want this pain to end one way or another so I had a really serious attempt on my life it was two millimeters away from my main artery my arm um I don't think there was that was the a big big moment but I think it was a build-up of things over the years there wasn't really any sort of one big thing that I just didn't use from that day.
42:59It was like, tried to kill myself, kept using, just couldn't stop fucking using. Even though I was in so much pain, I couldn't understand why I kept going back. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time. I didn't know that I suffered with an illness. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. And so I kept trying relapsing, trying relapsing. and then I saw a flyer to 12-step programme meetings and I haven't looked back since. And you literally after the first visit there, you've been clean since? Yeah, you have to be ready. I mean, I did go to meetings when I was 25 years ago, but I wasn't ready.
43:43I didn't bother doing anything. And have you completed the 12 steps? Yeah, I sponsor now. So I'm somebody's sponsor. Yeah, because a lot of people start and they don't finish, do they? No. That's quite common that people start the 12 steps, get to... What's out of the 12... Step four and five. It's step four and five where people think, fuck this, I'm going back to using... Yeah, because that's when you go into depth about your life, about everything. You have to apologise to people, confess everything out loud and stuff. That's step eight and nine. So, yeah, like four and five is your resentments, what's happened to you over the years, what have you done, and then step eight and nine is when you make amends to people.
44:26So you've been clean now, 18 months? Yeah, nearly 18 months, yeah. I'm nearly 500 days clean. What's been the hardest part of staying clean? Still get temptations? No, I don't get temptations. I've never had a temptation to have a crack pipe or a bit smack since I've been clean. Never. I think I was so fucking, I was so done with it. And it was so painful, the psychosis, the lot. I'm not naive enough. I know that, you know, it never goes away. But sometimes alcohol can pop in where my head tries to tell me that I can have a drink. But I can't because I am an addict. and I don't ever want to take that risk.
45:16And once I start, I can't fucking stop. And drink, you made bad decisions on it anyway.
45:23You know, but a drink for me will lead to two and then I'll be back on the streets homeless with a needle hanging out my groin. That's my reality. What does they say about drink? One's too many, hundreds not enough. Yeah. Yeah. I can relate to that, by the way. Anything I get into that I like that gives me a bit of a buzz, I can't put the brakes on until I'm out. So I can, to a certain extent, relate to everything that you're saying. I just didn't take it to those sort of dizzy heights that you did. I mean, the real, real serious addiction. And what have you learned about yourself now? Because a lot of people say the best thing about being sober is you get to know yourself.
46:04But the worst thing about being sober is you get to know yourself. Yeah. I mean, there was a lot of guilt and shame that come up, obviously. with myself, you know, and my children.
46:18Yeah, and it's been a hard adjustment for me as well because all my children live with me so that I've got in my own home with my children. So from, you know, going from doing what I was doing to now being a mum to three children and running a home and being a single parent is hard as it is. so sometimes yeah I can find it overwhelming but never to the point of recovery saved my life and it's not only saved my life you know I am happy I'm at peace I am content because you know that level of addiction is self-harm it must come from a place of self-loathing are there things now that you're clear-headed that you love about yourself that you're proud of yourself for Yeah.
47:09Things that you appreciate about yourself now. Yeah. I'm just a smack head, no good smack head. I'm not a mother to my children. That's how I used to think. You know, I'm a piece of shit. But I didn't understand what was wrong with me. And that's what I do. That is why I do what I do because nobody in their right minds takes themselves to the gates of death or insanity, you know, and you're in that much pain. but you keep fucking doing it, you know, you can't tell me that that's not an illness. Do you know what I mean? Or self-harm, mental health, whatever you want to call it. It's real and it's killing people at the end of the day.
47:51Do you know what I mean? And for mothers out there, you know, I want them to know you're not a piece of shit, you're ill, you're sick. And that is how I let go of a lot of my guilt and shame. You know, I was sick. Yeah, what is the one thing that you wish people understood about long-term addiction? Is it that it is an illness? That it is an illness, yeah. A lot of people say, oh, why do it in the first place? You know. Why do anything in the first place? Yeah, and it may have been a choice to begin with, but that choice is taken away from you at some point and it's not what people think it is.
48:30They're not using because they want to use. They're using because they can't fucking stop using and they're not in a good place. And what would you say to a young girl that was heading down the same path you were? I would tell them how it is, straight to the point. You take crack and heroin, you will be selling yourself at some point. You will be... I would just tell them the exact reality of what actually addiction is. You know, and a lot don't make it out alive. That's the reality of it. Is there anything that we've missed out that you'd like to share with the audience or get off your chest?
49:11I just want to say to anyone, if anyone is listening to this that is struggling, that there is a way out. And yeah, I have been where you are. And I genuinely couldn't see it. I thought I was going to die like that. And then I wanted to die like that because I just wanted the pain to stop. So, yeah, just never give up hope because, yeah, recovery is out there. I mean, like I said earlier, recovery is not only saved my life, but the things that I'm doing today, you know, I work with Open Road, volunteer at Open Road, which is drug and alcohol services. So I give back. I do stuff with Rehubs, which is a 28-day treatment programme.
49:58I promote that online. um, adapt, which is another rehab, women's rehab. I'm the ambassador for that, you know, from being a, a no good junkie is what people may seem. Now look, you know, I'm a mother to my children. And what's made you speak out like this? Be so brutally honest to the world? Because as soon as I started to speak my truth, my story, um, It started to heal parts of me. I don't really know why, but it did. Fair enough. Yeah. And, you know, then I get messages to say that it's helping others. So by me sharing my truth. And also at the same time, nobody can ever say anything to me.
50:47Not a thing, you know. No one can't come out and say, oh, well, you as a prostitute or you as this or you as that. You know, I've said it all. There's nothing anyone can ever say to me to hurt me. I've put it all out there. And you know your social media platforms, do you use that to support others? Yeah. Yeah, and where can people find you? What platforms do you mainly use? So I've got TikTok, which is Charlotte's Recovering. I've got Instagram, which is Charlotte's Eman 11, and Facebook, which is Charlotte's Eman 11 as well. I'll put all those links in our description as well. And what are your plans for the future?
51:31Film, book, seminars? There's going to be some things definitely coming up. I don't know exactly yet. You're just taking each day as it comes. And are you confident that you're going to stay clean? Yeah. I mean, I'm not naive. I know that addiction is a long, like it doesn't go away. I'm not just clean. My illness is waiting if I don't do what I'm meant to do. but you know why I was like it's so hard to describe how much to tell you how much pain I was in really and even when I speak about it it's like I don't know was that my fucking life and it was my life how have you felt today speaking about it to a stranger we were speaking about it earlier sometimes I sort of shut off from what I'm speaking about.
52:27But then just a minute ago when I get a little bit, I can get a little bit choked up about it. It creeps in. Good. That's the human in there. That's you not blocking stuff out no more. No. That's a positive. And you had the cheek in the green room to tell me that you found me a little bit scary. Next thing you're telling me that you're fucking stabbing people in the head. Yeah, you looked a bit mean. I was like, oh, no. I'm a little bit nervous. No. But you weren't nervous, were you? No, no, no, no. Yeah, okay. I understand the magnitude of what you went through, so I hope I wasn't too invasive with my questions.
53:04And is there anything you want to sign off with before we wrap this up? Anything you want to ask me? And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Let's draw something loose. Aye, yes! I like that. The Certified Fresh Series returns. Your boss. You always like this, or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to laugh.
53:40An all-new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. For bundle subscribers, terms apply.
54:12I've been quite nosy, haven't I? Yeah. Did you have an addiction problem as well? Maybe I still have, if I'm honest. I don't know. I think I have got an addictive personality. everything I've ever gone near, I've took it to the limit. So I'm now acutely aware. Don't go to certain places. Don't be with certain people. Don't use or drink certain things. Know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Be aware of the damage. Think three days down the line. Think steps down the line. so I'm probably battling a few of my own demons if I'm honest but I feel like I've got such a good understanding of it and I'm quite headstrong that if I overdo it I put the brakes on just to remind whatever the substance may be let's just say alcohol, it's like I'm in control now I'm going to abstain for three months, for six months, for nine months but that still tells me there is a slight problem there I'm a problem drinker.
55:17I'm a binger. Once I start, I don't want to stop. I don't want the party to stop. And also because I'm ADHD, it switches the noise off. It's why nothing you've told me is new to me or surprises me because, you know, we've all got similar brains, some more extreme than others. So I suppose I'll always be battling some kind of addiction. And someone said to me, they said, you talk like you're in recovery. I said, yeah, we all are. What do you mean by that? I said, we're all recovering from something. May not be alcohol, may not be drugs. You know, there'll be a bit of childhood trauma you don't even probably remember.
56:00But you're still recovering from that. And that's why a lot of people have flaws. And none of us are perfect. We're all recovering from something that we've been through. So I suppose, yeah, it's an interesting question. And I suppose I think I probably am an addict to a certain extent, but I'm aware of it and I manage it, if that makes sense. And I own it as well. I won't deny it. And if I've gone too far or I've over-egged the pudding or I've took the fucking piss, it's like, Liam, check yourself. You've lost a bit of control here. You've spiralled. Reign it in. So, yeah, is probably the honest answer.
56:44And if you enjoyed the honesty of that answer, I'd like you to like and subscribe to the channel and also follow Charlotte's journey. I'm going to put all of her links in the description. You're not going to get a more honest conversation than this. This is why I do what I do. Some of my interviews are very different. This, I hope, helps someone and saves as many lives as possible. Drugs isn't the answer. If you've got a problem, there's other ways. And self-soothing through substance isn't the answer. That's the lecture over. But do please like and subscribe to the channel so I can keep bringing you these stories and give Charlotte's link a click and a follow.
57:27And I'll put a thumbnail somewhere else and you can enjoy another episode of The Dozen. And I wish you all the luck in the world. And please stay clean. Thank you. Thank you. God bless.
57:47And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Let's jar something loose. Aye, yes! I like that. The Certified Fresh Series returns. Your boss. You always like this? Or is this just an act? Oh, no. This is me. Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to laugh. An all-new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+.
58:24Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
From the publisher
Charlotte Seaman shares her harrowing 23-year journey through extreme drug addiction.
With 77 convictions, multiple prison sentences (including at 13 in an abusive facility), prostitution, robbery, psychosis, trying to end it, and giving birth to three children while addicted, Charlotte's story is one of the darkest you'll ever hear.
But it has a powerful happy ending. She’s now nearly 500 days clean, a mother rebuilding her life, a sponsor in the 12-step program, and an ambassador helping others through recovery.
This is a brutally honest conversation about trauma, violence, self-destruction, and the reality of addiction as an illness — not a choice. If you're struggling, know someone who is, or just need hope that recovery is possible, watch until the end.
Proudly sponsored by Change - the number 1 online business and e-commerce mentoring program. Find Ryan on Instagram to start your journey to financial freedom: https://www.instagram.com/ryanjb/
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✅ About Liam Tuffs.
The Dozen with Liam Tuffs is a no holds barred podcast channel, where True Crime, Celebrity, Politics, Current Affairs, Combat Sports & Comedy are amongst the topics discussed! I sit down with some of the most fascinating and controversial characters including ex-gangsters, comedians, bare knuckle fighters, boxers, celebrities, and politicians to bring you raw & unfiltered conversations.
From underworld secrets and true crime confessions to fighter career insights and the dark side of fame, I discuss the stories most people are afraid to tell. These aren't just interviews - they're real, gripping, and often shocking accounts from those who've lived it, survived it, and have nothing left to hide. If you're into true crime, fighter journeys, and untold celebrity stories, join me as I discuss the truth behind the headlines!
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