This Is HEARTBREAKING: An 18 Year Love Story That Ended In Tragedy

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28:17What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. That's what you said to Bailey. You can't go, mate. I can't let you go. And it's like, I'm trying so hard, but all the memories I've got is that I can just see her either in my bathroom and in that fucking chapel arrest. And it was horrible. And the last other thing that was soul-destroying was at the funeral. So we've carried her in. We've put her down. you can see it because they record it i streamed it for them not for not me personally but the church records it and puts it out on like a live link and there was just a part we had the song seven years one self seven years old man so that song's coming in benny's singing it and you can see a clip where he's just run he's run through everyone he's just jumped at me and it was like the coffin's here the picture of mum's there and he's just fucking squeezing me mate and I'm just like I could feel him you know fucking and I was just like I just feel so much pain for the kids man

29:42all the hardest parts sitting in a light up having to tell the kids the chapel to rest lowering the body into the grave, there's something that'll do something to you when you lower them in. Find a bit of dirt on there. That's like the final goodbye, isn't it? That does a lot to someone having to do that. Sitting in front row at a funeral will do a lot to you, you know? I think lowering the body, just the final bit. The gap between the passing and the funeral, you're kind of kept busy in the brain because there's so much to do. I didn't stop. It's just funeral, funeral, funeral. I was so lucky, bro.

30:24So I didn't know until about 12 hours after, but one of my gym pals, Martin, he set up a GoFundMe and then someone messaged me and said, bro, there's a GoFundMe online for you. And I automatically thought, what? What are you doing? So I've gone on there. I was going to message him and say, bro, do you mind taking it down? But by the time I've gone on there, I think they already raised a couple grand. For the funeral? I don't think it was especially for the funeral, even though that's what we spent it on obviously but it was just for us and me and the boys and just do you know what I mean to sort of take the stress away but then yeah they ended up I think it was like near on 17 grand that they raised up bro so after fees like 16 and a half grand raised by fucking essentially strangers do you know what I mean a lot of good people that I know helped me a lot massively a lot of people donated off of that do you know what I mean off the internet but it was just like it just shows you how loved she is bro because my thing was like I don't want to go for me I'm not a charity I don't need no money but then I take my ego away it's not for me this is for Beth this is for the boys I was going to spend pay for the funeral and then whatever was left we were going to go on holiday with so we were going to go on holiday at the end of the year that's booked so sweet so the funeral was paid and it just took a lot of stress off us man so for that I'm truly grateful for everyone that that helped with that.

31:48That was a massive thing. What's it been like being, parenting two kids on your own now? Because it's not, it's not, mothers are built to do that, men struggle. Yeah. I feel like I was very lucky because I've always been a hands-on father. I've always done school runs. I've always been involved. I've never been a backseat dad. I've had, well, the last year before she died, we was evicted and was homeless. So I was, we was about all day anyway, which we'll touch on maybe before we end but I've always been self-employed I've always had online companies so I've always been about you know I mean I'm not a man that leaves goes to work and comes back at five o 'clock so I've always had a great relationship with the kids which I think's helped massively but it's not hard man it's hard bro because you're trying to delegate you're grieving it's like three of us in a house we're all grieving separately all grieving differently we've all got different wants and needs both the kids is on the spectrum and baby's got ADHD, ASD, Benny's got autism, it's just...

32:50Do you feel exhausted? Fucked, man. Every day, I'm so tired. And what's made you want to do this, to share this? That's what I was about to say. So I actually reached out to you first, saying I'd love to come on and do a tribute. And then obviously, where you're so far away, and I've got school runs, it was just like, I watched something online, and it said, it was a podcast I was watching and it says when a man says when a man says he's exhausted, he's tired and he doesn't want to do it anymore you need intervention then someone needs to intervene and help so I help myself, I know you know I'm so aware and woke of everything so I was listening to that and as I was listening to it I thought I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I need help so this is why I reached out I messaged you but I said to Ella first I'm booked in to go and see Liam but I was like can I sit with you for an hour first maybe just to get more of an understanding and then it was like in a podcast format essentially so other people can see it and she said great let's do it so that was my main more for an understanding she's got such a great way of helping you understand your brain and how it works and when I went to therapy that was my thing with her Liam I said I don't want you to fix me teach me how my brain works so I'll go and fix myself you know what I mean don't fix my car show me how to fix it and if it breaks again I'll sort it out that's how my mind works I just think yeah having a strong mindset essentially as well my whole life I've always wanted to help people so the document of the abuse the gym stuff the weight loss journey this is just another avenue since posting this online there's a lot of men that are in the same position there's a lot of women that are in this position I think a lot of people can relate so It's just going down that route of showing you what I'm doing so you can get more of an understanding.

34:43Hopefully it will help someone that's here as well. How old are you now? I'm 39, 40 next year. So what age were you both when you first met? She was 19, I was 21. But we've done them, didn't we? That's the beauty of our podcast. We've done, I mean, we can touch on it, obviously, but she's told you our whole life and I've told you my whole life up until we met and got to where we got to. Tell me what your relationship was like, because I've heard your individual story, her individual story, and they're both on this channel for anyone to go back and listen to. But your actual relationship, we've never spoke about.

35:17I've witnessed it with my own eyes. And I think a lot of couples would look at you two and be very envious of that connection you had, because I knew that that was one unbreakable bond. I see it with my own eyes. I've been in your house. So I get it. I think because we've both been through so much, and we both had our guard so high I say everything happens for a reason so even if you look at the death of Beth to find whatever reason that would be you'd have to go back to the reason that we met and then you'd have to go back what I went through, what I went through and she went through, what she went through so we could eventually meet and pull each other's guard down and just learn to love ourselves and to love each other I think that was a big thing that we focused on which if you've never seen anything about me and Beth now, I feel like the one thing that you could see from watching our kids is the love that we displayed for each other because it transcends through them.

36:16We're both open books. I think liars are scared. You lie because you're scared. We had nothing to be scared about no more, so we were just open books. We didn't have to lie. We didn't have to hide what we'd been through. We just, she just, we got each other, man. Maybe the first quarter of the relationship was the building, but we were open from day one. Like the first year, we both knew everything about each other. I knew about her past. She knew about my past. We just got each other, man. I think because we had both been through the similar things, we could, again, it took time. It's not like we didn't get each other on day one, But it was like, as the years went on, we just got closer and closer and closer, man.

37:04Was there a pinnacle moment that you could remember or something that happened or took place where you had that eureka moment where love consumed you so much that you had that moment where you just knew, fuck, I completely love you? I think that built with time.

37:26so after a year of being with her my nana my uncle died so that was like mad for me these these were like the main people in my life at the time i don't think i was speaking to my mum or dad at the time i might have been speaking to one or the other but there was a period where i stopped speaking to my dad then i stopped speaking to my mum so like my nana my uncle was like my life is when I first met Beth she used to come to my house to my uncles and to my nans it just built over time man there was there would have been points so when they died she was there for me every day so you don't forget that stuff no and then there would have been there's probably events that I can't even think of off the top of my head but it was just such an organic love bro and before the internet everyone knew like do you know what I mean we were known where we're from everyone in Wellenbro Big Nick and Beth before even Big Nick It wasn't even Big Nick and Beth.

38:17It was probably Beth and Nick, let's be honest. It weren't Nick and Beth, it was Beth and Nick, yeah, because she was known in Wellington. I was known in Northampton, and our worlds collided, and then, yeah, we really were together ever since. What about some magic memories we can touch base on? Something that when you look back on this podcast, it jogs your memory, and you can relive it in your mind. Real special occasions that are embedded in your brain and your heart.

38:47You catch me, I can't think Obviously the engagement was beautiful We told that story at the funeral, so When did you propose? Ten years, it would have been ten years And you was going to get married this year? We were going to get married in Thailand this year We weren't going to tell anyone We were going to go to Thailand and get married She wanted to get married on her birthday Eight for the eighth And she wanted to come back and throw a birthday party but that would be the wedding party. So she'd know everyone would come to our birthday party but that would be a celebration of our lives together.

39:18How did you propose to her? So we was in Amsterdam. We used to love Amsterdam. Off you nuts? No, I actually proposed in the morning. It was a morning one so we weren't. So we've gone for breakfast. I've bought this ring. I've had it on me the whole time as well. Gone for breakfast. I said, do you want to go to the Love Bridge? So I've got a lock with my name on it. so we've gone to the love it's like a bridge where everyone does it right so we've got there it was snowing as well it was lovely so I've said to her put that lock up there as high as you can though babe I'm saying don't fucking put it there with all of them I'm saying get right up there so she's up there putting the lock on and as she's up there she's got her back to me then I'm on one knee with the ring and she's like turned around from putting the lock on then I'm just there and there's like a fucking audience and they're all clapping and I was like will you marry me?

40:10And she was, I just let her cry. And I was like, yeah. And then, yeah, that was, I'll never forget that because Amsterdam was our favourite place. She always wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. And I wear the ring now. And she did. To her death to us. But I look at her and I would, that was my only regret that we didn't marry, but we didn't need to marry. We were fucking. You were beyond husband and wife. Inseparable. But we'd speak, our communication was second to none. So we understood. We're going to have arguments. There's going to be times where you might not think you want to be with me.

40:46There might be times where I think I might not want to be with you. But I'm saying these are what couples in the 20s used to come with, with the 50s. You don't stop and give up. If you've got a problem, we fucking work together and we fix it. There's no point in being together for 10 years if we're just going to end it now. We've had a pact. It was like, until death do us part. Why would we go and start again with someone else? You know what I mean? We've gone through so much. Where some people might say at the start, you probably should have gone separate ways, but that would be based off what is the normal now.

41:22Because how many people do you know that have been with their missus for 18 years? Not many. That have got two kids, nine years apart. And stayed true.

41:32What about some of your Bonnie and Clyde moments where you're going to battle together as a team? because there ain't many couples that do that or have done that bro she just had my back man same way I had hers but there's some things I couldn't even talk about bro because you've got into physical altercations if you know you know and people know yeah together as a team yeah not against each other yeah she um even some of the stories at the celebration day where she used to play football Beth used to love football this girl kept kicking her I kept kicking her, kept kicking her. She said, kick me once more time.

42:09So she kicked her. Bang! Broke her nose. Get off, red card. That was Beth. She wasn't scared, mate. And I think that's what we loved. We just fucking had each other, bro. And no one is so rare. People don't have each other. But we understood the mission. We understood. Here's another thing as well. I think something crazy like 96 % of childhood trauma starts in a house where there's a single parent house or a stepmother or a stepfather in the house. Because we, yeah, we were never going to allow that to even be a statistic. So it's like, it was probably conversations where we've had, even if we don't want to be together, mate, we've got a job.

42:51We can't raise a family separate. I don't believe in that. I don't believe in starting a family and separating. You just have to fucking put your differences aside and fucking sort it out. How many gold teeth did you have when you first met? I think I only had one. So she went through the whole transition. Yeah, then I had two. Then we got them all done, didn't we? What did she think about that? She loved it. Yeah. Yeah, she loved it. She was a bit of a bad influencer, you know. She loved that life a bit too much. She would encourage me to do things that I shouldn't really do, but glad I did them.

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44:14is there anything you can pluck out that's not going to get you in too much trouble that she encouraged you to do and you've just done it anyway do you know what i was going to keep it positive bro but there was a lot there was there was some there's some good memories there bro If we're keeping it positive, which... I mean, I tip my hat for what you're doing, man. Fucking hell, this is tough. Did you... What did you love about Beth the most? Bro, it was just her personality. It was just her as a person. I mean, because she had beautiful eyes and beautiful smile, but this is all physical appearance.

44:48I'm talking, like, her best trait was just her personality, bro. She'd cheat. She would stop and talk to homeless people. she would engage with certain drug addicts at the shop that would just sit there all day you know like Beth was she'd help anyone bro speak to anyone this is what's mad I find myself doing it now like she'd feed stray cats and that bro and I'm finding myself in the garden cats at the gate and I'm feeding them fucking tins of tuna and I'm seeing people asking for money and I wouldn't give them but I know Beth would so it's like you know like I find myself now doing Beth's work she influenced you bro she did and this is something that I touched on in the other podcast so I always thought that my job was to heal Beth so I always thought right I'll go and do therapy so you can go and do therapy I'll go and do a podcast you can do a podcast I'll set up a platform so you can set a platform what I realised very soon after her dying is that her job was to heal me she had to heal me Liam so I couldn't look after the kids but I healed her too but my job was to teach her love her version of love was very tainted So she, obviously we've been abused and these sort of things.

46:01This man loved her. Do you know what I mean? So it was giving her a true understanding of what love is, which I definitely did, which enabled her more to love herself and then to love me back and then to love the kids. And then it's just all about love, this story is really. And I knew that I needed healing. but I thought by healing Beth, that would heal me because I get, it helps me to help people. So I can sit there all day saying, I'm doing this to help other people, but primarily it's to help myself first. And then off the back of that, if I can help one more person, then I'm over the moon, bro.

46:46What message would you send or tell any couples listening to this?

46:57communication is one because you you you and Beth were a success story and there's not many it's the communication you have to talk you can't hide shit from each other most people are living lies in their relationship most people aren't fully open most people are still in their honeymoon period you just got to take your mask off bro and just this is how I feel this is who I am because at the end of the day if I I could have pretended to be someone else that she would have fell in love with and then when I stopped pretending to be that person this is when most people would fuck up relationships because you're trying too hard and she met a traumatized child that's who I was which is what she could see in me and I could see in her which is I think again with Beth being that person that will help anyone she probably thought I could fucking help this guy man and And she used to say, people say to her, why Nick?

47:49And it was like, wow, he was funny. He had a good family, nice mum, nice dad, nice house. You know, like it was just everything opposite to what she knew. It was just, it's a good guy with a good family. And do you know what I mean? He's just a good person. And she tried it. I wasn't. I was an horrible cunt. But she's seen the good in me, which makes me feel better, bro, because I can talk her up as much as I want. but then she chose me, right? So I have to give myself my flowers as well, which I struggled doing because I... It's just her. Everything I did was for her, man. Who was the strongest out of the two of you?

48:28She was. A million percent, bro. But the thing is, Liam, she didn't really want to be her either. She had been through so much pain and trauma. I don't think she could have reversed what she'd been through. I think she'd been through so much that she couldn't digest, she couldn't forgive, she couldn't get past it. So I feel like she had to strengthen me, give me her strength. Well, her passing will make me stronger, she would know that. Is there anything you wish you'd done more with Beth while she was here? Not because you'd done too little, maybe because it was so nice you wish you'd done more of it.

49:09Could be a walk. I was about to say, it's just simple things for us, bro. like we'd wake up and go to breakfast and I don't realise that now because I go to breakfast on my own to the cab and it's just so empty and she'd usually be opposite of me and she's not so this is the things that I'd advise these people in couples you've got to enjoy the little things she doesn't want a 20 grand Rolex or a 100 grand car she wants presents is the most important thing it's your time because we had all of that Liam I had the big house I had the big car we lost everything and the year before she died that whole year was about rebuilding hotels living in a hotel with her living in a temporary accommodation with her to then get in our house not our home we got our house and we turned our house into a home and the whole process before she died was just us building each other and it was beautiful.

50:07We'd done the house together. We'd done all of it. We'd painted it together. Just the whole process of turning someone who's been evicted from a house that's a shithole that needs doing from scratch. We'd done it all, man. From the fucking sanding the floorboards and the skirting boards to painting to bit by bit curtains, rugs, carpets, mats, beds and we just gradually bit by bit turned it into the home that we wanted. And I just feel like, well, they say they go when their job's done, isn't it? So I feel like maybe the only regret I have is just doing it too quick. Like, she'd done her job too quick, so if her job was to heal me before she could go, I just wish I could have prolonged that.

50:55Do you know what I mean? Make it last a little bit longer. You wish you didn't appear to be so strong. Because I ain't. Can everyone say she was? they all say you're so strong and I'm just like you just don't get it man it's not you don't want to be here it's not strength it's you have to it's survival it's surviving what's going to keep you here? my boys I wouldn't be here if I didn't have them I wouldn't be here Liam I wouldn't I don't I've got nothing to live for but it was me and her was my life not even necessarily I'm not suicidal do you know what I mean it's just I don't it's a thought process you go through I don't want to be here I don't want to do this but then it's like you wake up and it's like you have to do it so you dismiss that but why that upsets me the most is because that's what Beth went through every day she woke up every day crying not wanting to be here just because of what she's been through no one's I say no one's fault it's all their fault whoever fucked her but it's like bit by bit I used to say it would be alright how would you comfort her mornings that she'd wake up crying not wanting to be here well the thing is she used to do it without telling me for a long period of time because my thing was get up and go gym so my thing instead of doing what she would do essentially which I've done is just sit there in bed and cry I open my eyes I put my feet on the floor I get dressed and I leave I'll cry on the treadmill if I have to do you know what I mean and it was only as we got closer and closer and closer and then we're in temporary accommodation so we're spending even more time together and she was just like Every day, babe, this is.

52:32Every day. Depressed. I do this. But she'd say, I'm not depressed, because she'd have love and she feels love. But maybe she just didn't feel as appreciated as she should have. Or not fully recovered from past trauma. She didn't. I don't think she ever would have. That was the thing, because she could forgive everyone around her, but she couldn't forgive the guy. And I used to say to her, you're not forgiving him for him. You're forgiving him for your peace. and she never understood it. She was just like, I'd kill him. I wouldn't ever forgive him, I'd kill him. And that's conversations we had when we first met.

53:12Do you want to say what he'd done or would you rather leave that out? He abused her throughout her childhood before she could talk and walk. Which would do that to a woman, you know? Beth has shared this story for people. That's why I don't want to go too much because you can actually go and watch the whole thing. But from a man to do that to you, I understood massively she didn't like being told what to do by men. Like even if I told her, babe, get me a drink. She wouldn't go and get me a drink because I've asked her. She'd wait. And that was something that I had to get used to not being frustrated with.

53:53Because it's not like, well, I'll ask you for a drink. Can I get me a drink now? It's like, can I have a drink, babe? Yeah, no problem. but because I've asked her to do something for me she'd shut down you know what I mean she's just being ordered by a man at that point so I had to change my word in for certain things because it would trigger her so it was just yeah just a massive understanding of each other but I don't think she'd heal from that at all I think it was easy for her to be loved and to show love than it was to try and heal from that process because she'd done the therapy like I did to try and do it and you both shared the same therapist Yeah.

54:29Was that helpful to both share the same therapist? Massively. And then going back there to do this story, knowing that she knew us both. The conclusion that Ella came up with is that she had to hold on to some anger. Because when you're in that fight or flight mode, you need to hold on to a little bit for safety reasons. I get it, because I've been through abuse as a child, so you have to hold a little bit of something just in case. You know what I mean? It's almost like a protection mechanism, right? Whereas I did learn to just drop my guard, drop my ego. I don't want to feel like this fight or flight.

55:06Do you know what I mean? Where she had this every day. So I just sort of, again, tried to drop it so she could try and drop it. It's like I had to lead. She'd follow suit. I couldn't tell her to drop the guard. I had to do what I wanted her to do. Do you know what I mean? So she would recognise it. How are you going to cope? How are you going to remember you? Because you're still alive. And I say this because when I lost someone and went and spoke to somebody, one of the first things they said was, you have to remember the living and the living is you. How are you going to work on you cope? Have you thought about that?

55:42Have you spoke about that? No, I speak to myself a lot and I've understood.

55:50This isn't...

55:54I remember me before that. And I can pretend to be him. I can... I remember Nick from March before it happened. It's very easy for me to be him. So that's at the minute how I'm coping. Acting. Just being the version of myself that everyone remembers. Because it's easier to say I'm okay than it is to... Not... But at the same time, I understand not everybody is ready for that conversation. If I ask you if you're okay and you're not okay, I'm ready to sit down for an hour. I know 90 % of the people that are asking me if I'm okay, they're not ready for that conversation when I say no or when I cry.

56:39So I know this journey is going to be... Most of my journey has been internal. I'm a man that wants to fix myself. I understand myself. I know myself. So for me right now, I'm Nick from like two months ago because I can't walk around being this version of me that doesn't want to be here. I don't want to project that version of me that doesn't want to be here. And again, when I say I don't want to be here, I don't want to die. I just, I'm really struggling to process living. But then the boys keep me going, man. Bailey and Benny are the most amazing children. And it's just from her strength, they've got her strength.

57:20But then it's like they'll... They break me as much as they build me. I saw what Benny drew. Oh, that is... And what he wrote. The thing is, I needed to showcase it, but I didn't go into too much detail. When you actually break down the picture of what he's drawn, it's heartbreaking from... Like, down to the image in the grave. Like, he's got normal eyes, mum's eyes, they're X's. It's all brown. He's actually even drawn blue flowers. where you throw the flowers in so he knows everything. It's all going on in his head. What were the words you wrote? He said, I love you, Mum. Please come back for one more day.

58:09But this is what's mad. He said he had a question mark. So he's asking someone.

58:20It's not a statement, it's a question. can you come back for one more day? I love you. And then we go, they're just so fascinating though, these kids, because they don't overthink things like we do. So we'd go to the grave and he'll just say, can we dig mummy up? See her one more time. And I say, we can't do that, baby. But she's watching us. She can see us. He's just got, he understands but he just doesn't understand to our level of understanding so he's got this blue bear that he carries everywhere he's got a picture of mum on it and sometimes he wakes up and the bear's not invisible sight he'll just he'll go mummy in the maddest voice and it just it kills me bro he screams for his mum something happened the other day and it fucking broke me I don't know what he said or done From athletic stuff like a full-court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff like a half-mile stroll.

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59:55What did he say? I don't know. So many things, bro, but... How often do you visit Beth? Every day, every other day. Bailey's there every day for hours. I'll go there every day unless I feel like a day where...

1:00:13It's like I can't. I try to go there sometimes on my own. Does it bring you any comfort? It's mixed emotions. I can go there and find comfort. I can go there sometimes and just lie on the floor. Other times I've been and I've driven in. I've driven straight out. What was your song? so

1:00:44we had a few but the main one our main song was Family Matters by Sky Newman it was so kind because I read just a post and it was like just how amazing would it be I didn't want her to message me I didn't want to speak to her I just thought if she could see it it'd be amazing and fucking thousands of people tagged her in bless her bless them, sorry she was on tour at the time so again, I didn't expect any engagement I just thought, I just want someone to see it but you'd have to know the song and understand the song but if you listen to the lyrics lyric by lyric it's her whole life I've got a video of her singing it and she sings it with just so conviction you know, she can it's like the song was written for her so that was our main song, me and her but obviously it's only been out a year so we've got so many other songs but Lucas Graham, Seven Years.

1:01:39That was the song we carried her out to. I never got her. The song that we ended Celebration Day to was Beyonce, One Plus One. That was the song she picked for our wedding day. So that was horrible. And then the most memorable song is Wiley, Rolex. And he actually did comment on the pose, which I just thought was fucking wicked. So when I first met her, I had a big fucking fat gold chain and a Rolex and we was out in Milton Keynes and Revolutions. It was like our first date if you want. And the song was come on, next thing she's wearing my Rolex. And I took my Rolex off and I put it on her and I put my chain on her and we're just fucking vibing in the club and it was just like, that song is just, was the start of us.

1:02:25I did want to incorporate that into the funeral but there was so many other songs with so much other meanings but we've got loads but yeah family matters is primarily her life in a song how are you because i know that you want to how are you planning on keeping her memory and legacy alive i want to set up i don't know i don't know some foundation or some sort of charity or some she said it on your thing and what i loved when you redone the trailer when you reposted her thing when she passed she was very strong in wanting to help young girls that were in the same position she was because she had to go through the whole court process of her family calling her a liar and she was going there probably with the assumption that it's going to be no further action because this little girl lied about this poor man who served for our country and boom boom boom boom she didn't want anyone to go through that that's how beautiful she is bro she went through something and she doesn't she didn't want any other woman or female to go through that again but then it was deeper than that it wasn't just young children it was like well if you're my age i want to help you if you're fucking 60 and you've been through what i've been through i want to help you and we used to sit for hours bro because she didn't know how to reply to people i've been on social media for years when you released her podcast she's getting hundreds of messages bro from all the women that have been through the thing and it affected her like it affected me when all these boys are popping up saying oh my god i was abused too and it was just that breaks you again because you're reading all these stories and then now you've got the weight of that to now try and help these people, which is what I think she loved it eventually, but, you know, it was getting used to how the hell do I talk to all these people?

1:04:08But then the amount of people that have messaged me that have just said, the amount of time your Beth gave me through via DM and I've never even met her. I mean, this is a horrible thing to say, but it must be very tough imagining a future without Beth. So where do you go from here? It sounds mad, but I can't see it, which scares me a little bit. Because I'm big in manifesting, I'm big in seeing things, I can believe things, I can talk things into existence. When I'm sat in a fucking hotel room with nothing, I can write down some goals and I will achieve them. I can't see life past getting married in Thailand and just having a life together.

1:04:50And the fact that I can't see a future scares me. because I don't know what that looks like. Along with the thought process of not wanting to be here, maybe I'm clouding my own future. But I've already accepted that I'm prepared to be on my own for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't want another life partner in my head. And I don't think unless you've been with someone for so long, you couldn't understand. I don't expect anyone to understand me and Beth. I've just got to do what I've got to do for the boys. I've just got to be a man and a dad. And I'll tell you what I want to end this with. This is my observation, is that you speak about Beth a lot easier.

1:05:39Things come to you better when you just speak into your phone because I know you're documenting everything through social media and it's obviously going to be tricky when someone asks you direct questions and you're going to be on the spot. and I know your head is, it has to be all over the shop. I can't believe we're sat here doing this. So for the next 10 minutes, whatever comes into your head that you want to put out there, that you want to watch back, or your kids or your friends or people that didn't know Beth, I suppose just freestyle Beth and you bring this interview, conversation to an end rather than me.

1:06:24You take control of it and say whatever you want to say. Take your time and say it as much as you like. What I've learned about Beth the most is what she's taught me. It's the things you don't realise until they're gone. So when you say, like, your most memorable moment, something in my brain is trying to find this magic memorable moment, but the whole fucking duration was just this magical memorable moment. there wasn't you know what I mean some people say oh the birth of my children or my wedding day or this day it was just a whole the whole experience bro even the bad days would teach us things about each other we could argue and at the end of the argument it's like well what do you want to eat then because I'll be back in an hour because whether we hate each other we've still got to eat and we're not going to wake up tomorrow and have this same argument so whatever you've got to say call me a cunt now yeah when we get up it's another day but that was years of not doing that so you just learn bro so many different things and not sweating the small stuff we i think as humans we overthink everything just don't sweat the small stuff bro because you miss this is the small stuff that you miss there isn't defining moments these magic memorable moments it's everything waking up typical thing I used to hate she'd sleep, she'd breathe through her nose

1:07:51but you know when you're trying to sleep that's just the fucking most annoying thing in the world but I'd kill to hear that now you know the things that you think you don't like she used to kick me in her sleep I'd fucking kick her back I'd love her to kick me now but I sleep with little Benny, he sleeps in my bed now and he wraps his feet, legs around my legs. It's just, oh, mate, there's just so many things. But in the positive, you have to just be honest with your partner, love your partner, don't sweat the small stuff, do everything you want to do and just remember it's the little things you miss the most.

1:08:30Like I said, I don't care about the cars and the watches and the houses and the holidays. They're all nice. But we've found more love in the hotel room. two double beds in a room with no money, Liam, eating back lunch from the hotel, bro. There was more love in our life then than there was when I was trying my hardest to put her in a fucking big house with a big garden. Because when you fucking die, none of it matters. You just got to go for more walks and have more talks. Go for breakfast more. Tell her you love her every day. don't argue about stupid shit don't argue about yesterday's shit don't think about tomorrow's shit the biggest thing I've learned about this whole thing Liam is being present in the moment it's not even day by day it's hour by hour because at 8 o 'clock when I think I don't want to be here by 9 o 'clock I've done the school and I'm in the gym do you know what I mean?

1:09:31by 10 o 'clock I'm having breakfast it's like right we've just got to get to 11 and then you've just got to get to 12 and you've just got to get to bedtime and then when you get to bedtime you've just got to get up but I suppose that process will have to change in my head eventually because it's becoming ground whole day now and it's just every day but it is and this is the life they live so I can't even really be upset this is what single parents do they have to get up and look after their kids I'm not doing anything abnormal but the amount the way that people are talking to me you'd think I'd fucking I just built a house upside down with one hand I'm only doing what we're supposed to do how can you have kids if you're not going to fucking look after them what's my other option like you have to but this is what she's taught me so even though I'm talking about myself it's not about me it's about what I've learnt from her and you learn different things every day I'll tell you something else that I've been watching that's mad you know if you ever watch Ricky Gervais's he had a sitcom where his wife died have you watched it?

1:10:38yeah that's helped a lot but then it's like a bit of me jealous because you got the fucking you got the tutorial videos didn't you? imagine that would be like right Nick you silly cunt you've got to put the thing on 30 put a tab in put a bit of conditioner in

1:11:00oh yeah I miss her bro and the thing is it don't ever end you don't stop missing on do you which is why I can't see life past it because you can't replace it and nothing could ever sit alongside her and she Beth dead better than most women alive

1:11:24there weren't no one like her I mean and I don't think there's anyone like me which is why we weren't so great it was great we were great I feel like you'll see that through the kids as the kids grow up I just hope everyone just says you're just a product of your parents because they learnt from the best she was the best she was the best I'm gonna put I'm going to put the link to Beth's podcast in the description and Nick's contact details. Anybody want to reach out? And man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, brother. It's all good, man. I love you, mate. I love you, bro. Sorry. And may she rest in peace.

1:12:22She's at peace now. That's what gives me peace. A lot of people talk about happiness. If your goal is to be happy, you're going to have a hard life because when you're sad, you've failed your goal. So my ultimate goal is just to be at peace, Liam. So when I'm happy, I'm at peace with being happy. And when I'm sad, I'm at peace with being sad because it would be sad if it wasn't sad. If I was talking about Beth's life and I wasn't emotional, that would be sad, wouldn't it? If I could just sit here and not be emotional and have it not bother me, that would be sad. I hope you find peace too, man.

1:13:02I'll try.

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