S15E11 - All We Want For Christmas

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1:27It's the fighting. It's the fighting. Cock! It's the fighting. It's the fighting. Cock! A camel turn up! Hello, welcome to the Fun and Cock podcast. Today I'm joined by Jon Bass and Ricky! What's happening? Alright, just get this out of the way. it's a Q &A podcast it's Thursday which is all good it's my favourite time to do a podcast especially if we haven't played be excited about the weekend Spurs are great just terrible in the transfer market as we're recording we are in talks with Xavi or Xavi Simmons and we don't know how it went we're presuming terribly yeah it's nice for Chelsea but we don't know how it went so this isn't going to be a podcast about Xavi Simmons although I would quite like him I'd like anybody I'd like anybody right now.

2:25Yeah, that's fine. How are you, boys? All right. Good. Good. Lovely. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All good. All right. Good. Yeah. How are you? All right. Chill out, mate. Chill out. I was about to say, how are you? I'm all right. Yeah, I'm good, mate. Good. You're quite loud there, Rick. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Do that again. I'll fucking punch your face in.

2:51I'll punch your face in. Yes, it is a Q &A podcast, which means we are going to be picking questions at random from Reddit. Arcoise, if you're on Reddit, go and join their subreddit. It's really good. And, of course, Twitter. But before we do that, general mood about Tottenham Hotspur as it stands, John? On the pitch, mate, I'm really happy. Things are good. We look good. We've got some good players. We've got an excellent manager. I'm feeling pretty good on the pitch. I just want us to do a bit more off the pitch, and I am a bit frustrated. Remember, probably must be now, nearly like three or four weeks ago, I was saying, I was cautioning people on being pre-annoyed.

3:35Don't get annoyed about stuff that hasn't happened yet. I remember. Whatever, right? Well, I'm now annoyed, so if you want to be annoyed as well, that's fine. I mean, the thing is, you can do whatever you want. I'm just telling you how I felt. I try not to get pretty annoyed about stuff that hasn't happened because life's too short and I don't want to carry that for extra weeks right so I've probably saved myself three weeks of annoyance which is pretty good it's not bad it's pretty good yeah it's not bad positive yeah but this week I am pretty annoyed I feel like we needed to do some more business I'll be equally just as happy if we get it done before the end of the window um but I am a bit frustrated so yeah It's a bit mixed, mate.

4:16Happy with the pitch, but off the pitch, I think we're still the frustrating, annoying club that we all know and love. Ricky? Because you've been away, you've been in Spain. I don't even think you give a shit about Spurs anymore. That's how little I've heard from you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, you're right. Don't give a shit about Spurs anymore. No, I do, obviously. It's been good on the pitch, like John was saying. It's been nice that, you know, going into the PSG game, we're all thinking we're going to get our asses smacked great performance just unlucky on the pens and then we played a different way against burnley and then another different way against city both two great results um i i went up to my my first trip to the etihad which is good um so all of that stuff really positive and uh i hadn't realized what a fucking monster could us is seeing him in the flesh fucking hell what a player yeah um that was uh you know very surprised about that but again like john said i mean like i i'd like to say i'm annoyed at having not signed anyone but i kind of just you know i i don't really know what to say if i'm honest i kind of like just resign to the fact that it's not going to happen nothing's going to happen and the player that we eventually do get in i'll kind of be like yeah all right yeah it is that way and the the because obviously we're not talking about xavi simmons but but we know at some stage in the next 24 hours ornstein's going to drop a bomber and basically saying simmons only wanted chelsea and then we'll have to they should call us at least we tried FC yeah it's interesting what you were saying there though Rick in terms about different systems that Frank's got I'm getting to the point where I want to be really surprised I'm always surprised I was surprised against PSG wow this is good I was surprised against Burnley and now I was even more surprised when we played a back four against City I wanted to do something mental like that time when your mum flipped me over and stuck a finger up my arse I wasn't expecting she told me about that yeah I was like you shitty cow where did that come from yeah pinch your ankles against your ears and she said it was fucking far easier than she thought it was going to be a newborn baby yeah yeah

6:49yeah that's what I want to see I want to see some mad formation that Frank's got I just feel like weirdly I know it's early doors and I just feel weirdly confident that no matter who we play we're going to beat them like anybody we can go away to Liverpool because Frank's got a plan for you we're planning for you like you we're previously we didn't have a plan for anyone we're gonna play our game yeah yeah yeah we our game is based on what you do now and frank could be like he had a brilliant career at brentford right he needed the opportunity to have the players to implement a different style of play and it could be he's the best coach in the world we don't know yet all we know is that we do all we know is the unprovables and right now what i'm seeing is a sensational coach and one we can all be very excited about.

7:34Should we do a question, boys? Actually, this is not a question. This is just a statement here, John. This is for you. Oh, go on. IQ Jump, one, two, three. He says, quoting John Bass from the last Fighting Cop podcast, why the fuck does it seem like we can only do one job at a time? We can maybe fool the journalists, but it has to be, it has been the truth throughout the transfer window that we are indeed working on one fucker at a time. There you go. Yeah, well, it's hard to i'm not saying that i'm making this point alone but it's hard to argue with that isn't it like absolutely what we're seeing in this window is basically just we do one thing that goes away then there's a week of work seemingly on the next thing it's not like we're doing multiple deals and so when one falls through it's just straight on to the next one there's always these gaps and i think the most obvious one is the madison injury that injury like you saw you basically saw what the scum did with Havertz.

8:28They went, we've got a deal lined up. Havertz is there. They pulled the trigger. The deal was done in a matter of days. And he's on their disgusting swamp of a pitch getting shown around in a matter of days. Whereas we're going, oh, he's injured, is he? What should we do now then? Should we look for another deal? Okay, let's do that. It's hard to argue that point, I think. Yeah, I think it's a fair point. We're once again being reactive instead of proactive. I know we're not talking about Xavi Simmonds, right? because he's on a data podcast, but Tom Barkley's reported that he wants 200 grand a week.

9:00So that pretty much rules us out, doesn't it? I mean... Well, can we not... We can pay that. Of course we can pay it, Rick. That's our higher ceiling. That's where we need to move towards. Of course we can. Of course we can pay it. But we won't pay it, Ricky, because we'd never pay it. So, yes, of course we can pay it. Going back to the point about the transfers, like we're only working on one at a time uh paratici right wasn't it like how is a consultant yeah he's consulting over the summer i think so how much um involvement do you think he's got because the the general vibe that you got from people that were either in the club or just or or a connected that he has a list of like six players and he's negotiating all the time that's why he's always on the phone negotiating negotiating and he gets like six players up to the point where it's the the the part where you buy all personal uh stuff is uh personal terms are agreed and all of that and then it's kind of like which one are we going to pull the trigger on whereas this time it feels like we're working on one going through all the kind of uh personal agreements and then it gets to the point and it's like they've gone somewhere else or not interested and then we start the process all over again and we've lost like 10 days 14 days by doing that so i mean with the rumors of parateach coming back in in october in a permanent capacity do you feel like things will change no yeah my worry is rigged that we're sort of seeing i think he is working in the background but i think we're seeing the issues where we've got actually like a maverick type character in and then a structure with like langer and vinai and these guys trying to like bring in some structure and it's a bit of a currently bit of a culture clash now this is all just me guessing looking from the outside in but we saw paratici when he was working for us before and it was like that right like we were like linked with loads of people and there's loads of deals loads of rumors then bang someone would drop and it would just be like oh shit like he's getting these deals done right whereas this time it does feel more methodical but just too robotic and too slow like there is a list and we are working our way down the list but we're working our way down the list too slowly and the deals because i think this time like we we know we needed to add starters or like big names and Premier League proven players, they are the bigger end of those deals.

11:43And I think that's why Levy's got his little mitts all over it because he's like, well, I'm not signing checks for 70 million without being involved in this deal. Whereas I think Paratici previously is like finding the Papo Matassar's and kind of getting those deals quickly done. So I don't know, it's just the size of deal thing and it's just like more people are involved and we're just not good at moving quickly when there's more people involved. Speculation, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, we got Paulina in pretty, without any effort. It went on for a little bit, but it never seemed in doubt.

12:14And then we got him through the door. Kudus has seemed to be kind of, you know, for a couple of weeks been chatted, but it happened. Gibbs White should have happened. I can't really blame Daniel Levy and Lange for that. I think Marjanekis just did what he had to do and in a way that most chairmen wouldn't do things and operate in that way. so that was kind of on them rather than on Levy. And if you'd have got those three through the door, you'd think that's pretty good. That's good work. But the reality is, and with the Eze situation, is it doesn't matter about the narratives in the end. You're judged on results and outcomes, not nearly misses.

12:53We all are, in every aspect of our work, are judged on what can you prove to be a success in. How many players have you brought in? Are we ready for the season? Are you giving Thomas Frank and hundreds of thousands of people that pay to get in the stadium every year, are you giving them everything that the cost of the ticket should demand? And so in the end, when we start the season, the answer is either going to be yes, but more likely no. And that's ultimately the judge. When you're doing a deal in business or in your work, John, like when you're driving your truck sorry unnecessary when you're when you're organizing a deal if if it's a near miss it counts as a miss it doesn't matter yeah you're in a results business if a striker is hitting the post you know 10 times in a season you could say that's bad luck or you shouldn't get better and and that's eventually you've got to get better because hitting the post means nothing and that's what we kind of feel like we're doing when we're in our transfers we've hit the post a couple of times now fine unlucky fucking get something done that's how it needs to be judged i'm i'm so bloody angry with daniel levy i'm bloody angry with him are you angry to be able to it'd be great to be able to go to like ceos and like founders of companies that i work for and go i know we didn't hit the target but we tried we tried oh fair enough let's carry on is your massive salary good luck like it's just crazy like there's There doesn't seem to be any repercussions for a drastic failure.

14:30I want to know why the Eze deal didn't get done. I'd love to know. Not because I want to find the person who is directly responsible. I just want to know what happened. What are the specific details that meant that that transfer didn't happen? If it was Eze only wanting to go to Arsenal and that's all he wanted, and that is here and we just couldn't get it over the line, then you've got to ask several questions. Why are you pursuing this player? if it's clear that he never wanted to come. More likely is that Havertz's injury meant that Arsenal escalated their position. But I'd just love to know what went on.

15:04Who is directly responsible for the failure of that deal? And we'll never get that information, which is why it's a good thing in a way because we can speculate on podcasts without actually having any accountability ourselves. Rick, you said you know that I'm angry with Levy. What do you mean? uh i've noticed your outburst in the whatsapp group normally you're kind of calm collected and then i'm the one that's angry and you're talking me off the ledge and you're like come on rick you don't need to be this angry like you said this about that plan i'm like all right all right i go in there now and you're like writing stuff in capitals i'm like fucking hell he's gone i'm like everyone on the ledge everyone on the ledge get on the ledge i was talking about i was talking about getting you in a car and then driving to dover and diving driving off a cliff the other day i know exactly and and then you were saying what about my family what about my kids and i'm like ricky there's no family where we're going yeah yeah i'm just glad there's not so sure i'm just glad there's not a social between now and the window shutting so that flaff doesn't do a fucking jones town we all drink the kool-aid Oh, the lagers are on the fighting cock and then everyone's dead.

16:16No listeners. Everyone's dead. 400 people dead. Waterloo. The Waterloo massacre. One of the worst crimes in the history of the United Kingdom. Everyone dead. Podcaster. Somewhat notable podcaster kills 400 Spurs fans in the EV bar in Subban. Yeah. It just says cause of death. Tottenham. and they let me off because I'm insane yeah that's what um Houston Revenue no Review sorry Houston Review Spurs guy he says remember when our fanbots was crying out to sign Gift Orban I made back when I was making YouTube videos I made a podcast about Gift Orban where is he what's he doing who out of the players who've been linked with this summer do you think will go on to have a Gift Orban career we haven't signed really anyone have we like who does or link with i mean we've been linked with um well yeah exactly well one would think they're actually all right players in terms of those we did i did a podcast i do another podcast which is about football in general called football between the lines with um hltto and one of the segments of the podcast this morning was of all the big transfers that have gone through, who do you think in the fullness of this season will be regarded as one of the biggest successes?

17:44And you know you always go to your own players because it's kind of easy because you know your own players. But I genuinely think Paulina could end up being one of the best signings in the Premier League this season. So much so. I've seen so much from him in the first couple of games that I'm thinking, just pay the money. Just get him in now. Just activate the option. yeah he and like seeing him in uh real life he's a fucking unit he's fucking absolutely huge i wasn't expecting that i don't know what i was expecting a little weird little animal like a terrera i don't know i hadn't studied him that closely i was like fucking He's a big boy, isn't he?

18:28Yeah, he looks like... So Jack to Trunk messaged me. We were talking about Polini, how good he is. And he said, he just strikes me as a bloke with a massive cock. And I was like, that's exactly what it is. He's a sort of bloke that like... The reason he likes to sort of get in people's faces and get close to people is so they can feel the weight of it. He just likes to get really close to them so they can just go, what's that? Fucking hell, is that you? I've just done that quickly. I'm just on cocks. um belize belize's unit have you seen it yeah oh my god it's either a joke and it's like there's a can of beer yeah yeah yeah yeah a can of fosters down there or it's just got a massive massive cock have you seen this john do you know what we're talking about no no no oh mate you're for a treat.

19:20I'm not often I'm not often searching Spurs players Cox enter. Mate this was everywhere. No yeah I posted it in the WhatsApp group as well. It's so big that I can see it now and it isn't on my screen. It's massive outside your window. I can just close my eyes I just see it it's just there. Magnificent. I mean Do you remember Eric Dyer's that picture as well of him with his massive dog? Yeah. It's that level but I just don't think I don't think I think this is real and I don't think the Diar one was real or maybe there's a policy you know there's the no dickheads policy maybe there's also a massive cock policy yeah it's like you come in they go what are your views on this what are your views on that they go great personally everything's good you've done your medical perfect one last thing though stand up drop your kegs let's have a look at the old boy come on son and they're just there in the office Paratici's there Levy's there Vinod's there Lange's there Everyone's there and you just like the trousers go down to the ankles and stand up and you just wait then.

20:23I'm trying to get your live reaction given that you haven't seen this. I've just WhatsAppped you. Okay, perfect. Let me open this up. Let me just have a look.

20:32Fucking Christ. That is thick as molasses. Yeah, isn't it? Fucking Jesus. He looks like he's rolled up a copy of The Sun. That's unreal. doing pieces. OMG, that is fucking hench. He's on an absolute Lexington Steel hype. That is mental. You know when you're playing 11-a-side on a Sunday and someone scores a screamer for the opposition, but you have to clap? It's like that. It's like, Jesus, how's the boy grown that? No wonder he's so slow. I was going to say, that's why he didn't make it at Tottenham, because he's got that between his legs trying to run. It's well funny. Like an intro person there.

21:15My favourite thing about Valise is he just got brutalized in every game he played for Spurs like broken noses there was one bit where he was crawling off the pitches because I think he'd done both his hamstrings crying clawing himself off the pitch do you remember that crawling off the pitch crying his eyes out because he's done both his hamstrings it does make sense though you know they say like women with large breasts can often develop back problems he's developed hamstring problems because his cock's so massive people it's like pulling him forward and it's just snapping and he's crying because his bell ends getting scraped across the ashley's earth fuck's sake yeah um i'm getting itk sent through to me and i just don't want to read them because they're bollocks itk is in the mud in it just just tell us after you've read the itk are you happy sad or neutral i'm sad but not because it's bad news.

22:18It's good news that will inevitably turn bad. Yeah. So therefore I'm sad. Yeah. Does that help? Absolutely as clear as mud, mate. Thank you for that. Yeah. So the news is, the news is, oh man, I don't want to do this. Simmons is close to getting done. You've got a mate who works for the thing and he doesn't want Chelsea, he wants Spurs and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, all that blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah. So basically, yes, Simmons is done and dusted. and it won't be done because the only one is Chelsea and he'll be a Chelsea player. Chelsea literally just sold in cuckoo for£40 million. How do you sell players is unreal.

22:56I can't talk about that. Well run football club in my opinion but people don't like any of that do they? It's almost like saying fucking stop the votes or something. That's how popular that opinion is. Don't get you started John. I'm not saying anything. I'm staying out of it. Austin Sheaton says new movie idea. Ricky is an FBI chemicals weapons nerd who teams up with a CGI Sean Connery to rescue hostages in Milton Keynes prison from a bad guy with toxic marbles. You can call it The Rick. That's good. If you put Valise in it, you could call it The Cock. That'd even be even better. I usually love these, but I'm missing The Rock.

23:42Nicholas Page and Sean Connery. and they go to Alcatraz yeah and it's the VX2 it's a great film absolutely great film is it a great film? yeah it's a bad film but it's fantastic you know like some of those films that they're like so bad I mean it's Nicolas fucking Cage in the 90s what more do you want? you know it's going to be brilliant it's Michael Bay so it's mental yeah all of this isn't leading to me in any way watch the film it's Sean Connery it's Sean Connery chewing through every it's fucking incredible it's so shit I did like Con Air I've got to say that I did like Con Air. Yeah, it's a quality film.

24:17It's just so much fun, that film. Yeah. Watch The Rock then. I'm not watching that shit. Mate. Seriously, it's got Ed Harris in it as well. Absolute G. No, you swung it from me. All right, maybe. Now that Ed Harris is in there, I'll walk. Yeah. I'm going to read it from Blockbuster as well. Also, this will sell it to you, right? There's a bit where Nicolas Cage is chasing Sean Connery. He's driving a Ferrari, right? He's like taking off a member of the public because he works for the FBI. and they're flying around San Francisco, right? And you've got the hills and it's smashing around and whatever.

24:46And at the end, he sort of crashes the Ferrari and the geezer gets away. And then he gets out of the Ferrari and he stands there and the camera sort of pans around a really cool way. And this guy goes to him, damn, man, you just fucked up your Ferrari. And then Cage looks pretty much down the camera and just goes, it's not mine. Fucking awesome. I'm damn, mate. You mad at me. You have convinced me. You have convinced me. Glenn Longoria. Glenn Longoria. He says, why since social media have so many supporters tend to negatively spin everything about the club? Why since social media have so many supporters tend to negatively spin?

25:25I think it means because social media do we spin. Look, I'm with you. I generally would have been much more positive about everything to do with Tottenham. It's just it wears you down, right? You get to a situation where you feel negative because we could do so much more. We are on the brink of being brilliant and being able to achieve some of the goals. We're there, but we just don't have the energy or the appetite to do what other clubs are doing. So in the moment, I understand the negativity. Generally, in the past, I've been very defensive of Tottenham. have been defensive of, excuse me, I had a hiccup there, defensive of Daniel Levy.

26:06But now I just, like I said, I'm on the edge of the cliff holding hands with the rest of the flying cop boys. I think as well, the fuel for the fire, the social fire, is that you now have, and it's very visible, other fans laughing at you and all the memes coming out about Tottenham trying to, you know, sign everyone and can never get anyone. um so that doesn't help and and then on the other side you've got clubs doing six posts about a transfer they've just signed like ese and you're like well fucking great this is like how do you want me to feel how do you expect me to be still positive and not pick up my phone and tweet some madness i didn't think that we could lose a north london derby when there wasn't even one playing that's what we feel like when they chose Arsenal over us when it felt like losing the North London derby so people now they kind of be reacting and so they should be and they can be it's fine Glenn it's just Pros trust the Home Depot for heavy duty storage solutions for any job site or garage Right now get up to 15 % off select storage and organization impact and water resistant totes and shelving built to hold up to 2 ,500 pounds Storage systems have space for all your tools and protect them in the garage, on the job site, and everywhere in between.

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29:06Terms apply. Learn more at go.amex. You know, you don't need other people to be happy for you to enjoy the club. You just ignore them all, I think. Yeah, it's like before it just used to be Christmas and at Christmas you'd get your gifts, right? You didn't know really what you were getting. You might have asked for something that you'd like, and then you'd just get a gift. Imagine all the way through December, every time your mum went into Toys R Us and didn't get you the Action Man figure because they were sold out, your neighbours knocked on your window and are like, ah, wanker, you're not getting that anymore.

29:38Fuck off. And then you're like, okay, brilliant. And then the next week goes by, and she tries to buy you some sort of Mighty Max or something like that. And it's like, oh, she goes in and drops it, smashes to a million pieces. and it's like, then the next neighbor comes around, you're not getting that anymore, you fucking little prick. Like, it would drive you insane. It just used to be before, it was just Christmas Day and you didn't know what you missed out on, you just got what you got. Now, it's the relentlessness of, these are all the Christmas presents you could have got, but instead, you've just got like a bit of fucking silly string.

30:09No, like, it's like you come down Christmas Day and you think, oh my God, back when we were kids, there's a PlayStation. yeah oh my god i finally got the playstation i wanted the playstation for six months i've been telling mum about the playstation like i want i want the playstation can't come down and you open it up and you open the box and inside it's a dildo that's what it's like yeah that's exactly exactly exactly we didn't see i wonder why i didn't see my mum for the rest of the afternoon I'll set this up for you son cheers mum he's just a window he's like your mum buying you a dildo for Christmas yeah technically you've got a present but it's not really for you

30:58it's practical it fits somewhere but not where you wanted it to fit

31:06Matty Spurs says don't you love how a football club can sometimes make you want the universe just to not exist sometimes. Someone else said the question I've lost here is, is Brennan Johnson undroppable, boys?

31:22No. No. I don't think he's undroppable. Is he droppable for Tal or Odebeer?

31:32You want him on that left-hand side? Yeah. It depends. It depends who we're playing. It depends what what our tactics are really. So if like, if we are going to be in possession most of the time, if we are playing against a low block or something like that, then maybe not. But if we are playing more kind of a counter and him to find space and him to, to run on like against city back post, then yeah, obviously he would be the guy to start. so I don't think like I take it that they are you know alluding to the fact of his the goals that he scores and assists and that's why he's undroppable yeah he does bring that to the team but again it depends on who we're playing and how we're set up he's a top goal scorer last season the last three competitive games including the Europa League final he scored in what more do you want from a forward?

32:32but this is I've got to fight the premise of the question right because the idea of being dropped is just not a real thing really anymore right because there isn't just like a set it's not like the World Cup in 66 where it's like Algrides is injured so he's dropped he can't play like they'll change all the time there isn't really a like set formation and therefore set like group of players it's like you will fit in and out depending on what's there you don't get dropped if you miss a game is my point right and you get rotated out it's just someone else is playing and I do feel like there will be certain games where Odebeir is is more suited to the opposition that we're playing than Johnson doesn't mean that Johnson's suddenly rubbish in that game or that we don't value him or that he's not part of the squad but you said you can't argue with his numbers and like he is clearly like one of the better players that we've got just based on his output but that doesn't mean he can't be rotated I think like the idea of like dropped makes it sound like they've underperformed and so someone else has to step up I just don't think that's the reality of of players really certainly not johnson anyway uh cookie roo says why can't we be the ones that do the fucking for a change it does like this reminds me tottenham a little bit in these negotiations ricky reminds me of the story from and i won't mention any names but the story from your uh you know youth them yeah where uh two of your mates was in a threesome with a woman with a woman yeah no yeah it was a fourth some wasn't it yeah it was yeah yeah yeah go on you go well there was uh there was two ladies and three guys and two of the lads were cracking on with you know with the ladies and one of them looked around and just saw the third person just pacing pacing the room wanking like looking for an opening like he just he just he couldn't get in there he was like like frogger yeah trying to get him pacing the room furiously waiting yeah watching the other two clubs sign players yeah that's what's supposed to be furiously wanking around we just tried we tried an hour later just comes out the room with a load of carmin and tissue we tried did we uh how did you get on the other day yeah it was good i mean it's sort of good i mean it was good it was good what yeah what happened with them two birds uh well i sort of watched my mates have sex with them while i furiously masturbate yeah we talked we talked to him quite a lot but didn't actually have sex i stroked one of their hair that reminds me another mate of ours he was in a threesome with uh two ladies and um he might be listening to this suffering and uh so you imagine what a threesome might be like and what was going on and who's get involved and everyone's get involved with each other at the same time in this reason it was different where he was having sex with a woman and the friend was just rubbing his back going go on go on rubbing his back like he needed support like a cheerleader yeah go on then go on rub my back i had the threesome but one of them just kept rubbing my back while i was having sex I think she was smoking a cigarette as well.