54 Minutes on How to Build Self Esteem and Confidence

0:00Go pay attention to this. Go to a basketball game. Watch the home team go on a terrible run and pay attention to who boos and who cheers. Very interesting insight and that's what happens. When you sent that email, there were people that booed. Sure. And then there were the real fans that cheered. Yeah. And that's how I see it. And so why is everything that's happening in your life the definitive end score? It's a process. This is the Gary Vee Audio Experience. Gary what's up my man life is good brother it is good isn't it yeah that's one of the fucking things that you know I've had the opportunity to get to know you not only in the professional context but also just as a homie and people always ask me like what's he like what's he like and I have to say man you're fucking happy like there's no doubt about that yeah you know you were like one of the busiest and happiest people like if you would turn the dials of both of those things up a lot of times those things don't coincide but for you they do and i think the thing that i'm conscious of is off the screen i'm real happy too right like you know i think something one thing that's really been interesting is as as awareness around an individual grows a level of responsibility comes along with it i'm definitely i'm at a point right now where i'm really am being thoughtful of like look there's a lot of eyes on me and a lot of people who are are not happy are putting their eyes on me and I'm helping them through that.

1:29And I need to be hyper sensitive in my own self of articulating things that I'm unhappy about. But what's been really interesting is I've been really on this kick for six or nine months. I'm struggling to be unhappy because I've come to realize it's unbelievable how simple my life is. if I genuinely wake up in the morning and eight to 10 people are actually still alive, I'm just struggling to be upset about stuff. I don't know what else to say. I struggle with, my perspective on life is very simple, which is it's such a blessing. It's so rare, you know. Last time we were here, I made a video with you guys, and in there I talked about the 400 trillion to one and that micro piece of content which I've chopped up and used.

2:28It's one of my most successful piece of content ever. Happened in this building a couple years ago. And I've always internalized it. I finally articulated it a couple years ago, and I continue to internalize it, which is I am happy because I'd like to understand, I'd like somebody to sell me on what to be upset about. Well, it's a failure of perspective when you're upset. It's a failure of perspective. It really is. And if you can keep perspective like you are in line, you are happy. I'll tell you what's really emerged. Entitlement. I was parented in a really, and my circumstances put me in a place where I just don't think anybody owes me anything.

3:07Not society, not the government, not people I do nice things for. That's a killer. Yeah. People struggle so much when they do something nice for somebody, they think that person owes them something. I'm desperately trying to give more value to every person I ever crossed paths with and never ask for anything in return. That is literally the framework of my life. My great hope is that I can bring more value to people than they bring to me and I'm never in a dire situation where I ever have to ask for anything in return. Well, you keep yourself in that abundance state, right? So you're not in need.

3:41You're not desperate. You don't have the expectation. oh, I'm giving this transactionally so that I receive this. And then when those expectations aren't met, then you have the hangover of that expectation, the sadness that comes from chasing that thrill of hoping to get something and then it failing. Instead, if you just give and have the act of giving be the gift itself, like, oh, I helped this person. And I'm in that in a lot of ways. That's right. And then it's the same reason I'm an entrepreneur. Being an entrepreneur is the win. and I believe we're living through a great era right now where people are looking for the money and the things you can buy with the money from entrepreneurship and that is why I believe that in the next decade there will be an enormous conversation of people being unhappy entrepreneurs during this generation.

4:28Because it is so in the air in your Instagram stream success and the perception of success and I've really started to articulate something that feels really true to me, which is how do I, you know, I can only be responsible for myself. I hope it encourage others, but how do I start making happiness the true North Star, not money? I don't know what to say. Like not stuff. Well, anything that you place outside of yourself for happiness is going to be a dead end street, right? Because that thing is something that you'll have to constantly chase. That'll be the rabbit that keeps you on the greyhound track, always running around.

5:11Oh, if it's money, well, then you're going to need more money when you get money, and you're going to need more and more and more, and you'll keep feeding this thing, rather than recognizing that happiness lives within us as soon as we acknowledge it. And for everybody who's watching right now, do not confuse this for a lack of ambition. I'm ambitious as fuck. I just, you know, I just am really happy with the process, and I'm also super weirdly happy with losing. Cause that's the process. I lost to you in pool and in, what is that thing again? Sauce. Sauce. I beat you in free throws and darts.

5:48I'm sitting here and I only wanna play sauce and pool. And I think there's something in that, right? The Rangers, New York Rangers and the Yankees have won world championships during my fandom. The Knicks and Jets have not. I do not watch the Rangers and Yankees anymore. I'm die hard on the other two. I'm in it for the process. Like I watched, I was at the airport, I told you off camera I took a red eye, which I'm trying not to do for my own body and like rest and all that, but I did. And I was in San Francisco and the Warriors game is on. And I actually just don't consume a lot of like stuff in general, but like I was watching this Warriors game And I grew up in the kind of like tech boom of 2005 through 11 and I'd go to San Francisco a lot.

6:38And when I tell you not one fucking human in San Francisco knew who the Warriors were in 2005 to 11, not one. And I'm watching this game, it's the end of the game, and I'm watching these fans celebrate. And there was just this wild feeling going through my body of almost like a really funny mix of like, I don't know, I find it crazy when people become bandwagon fans and think that they're successful through their team's success. Yeah, they use the word we when they're talking about a pro team. Yeah, and I do that as well, you know, so I don't want to be a hypocrite, but I'm literally talking about you don't like the team or care about it, then they start winning championships and you're going to games and then you're making fun of like hardcore Houston Rocket fans and I watch this play out on social and like in culture.

7:28And I'm like, I don't know, I just, I think a bandwagon sports fan is one of the great tells of somebody who's insecure. And it's just something that has always run through my mind. Literally, when I think about the Bulls fans and the Cowboy fans of my high school years in New Jersey, when they were good, just a lot of those bandwagon fans in my school are not happy or successful. Well, when you attach your identity to some other thing and then that identity makes you good, whether or not that thing is successful or not. So if your identity is a sports fan of X team and you only feel good about yourself when X team is there because it's like you had some fucking insight that made you smarter or made you better or made you something that your ego can latch onto is like, I am superior to something else.

8:12And if you're in it for that, well, you might get a thrill every once in a while, but you're going to have a lot of fucking heartbreak rather than being in it, as you were saying, being in it for just being a fan, whether you're winning or losing. The joy of being a fan is being a fan, and not to fucking win. It's crazy while you were just talking where my mind went. It went to people's social media profiles versus their actual truth. I am petrified that everybody is a PR version of themselves on social and that it's now a thing, like a sports team. It was really interesting where my mind just went.

8:45I'm like, fuck, that's what's happening. Those likes and those followers and that stuff, you really meditate on that? I mean, the amount that you get out of that, the dopamine, the validation. People are not posting because they're petrified for not to hit the metric of their prior post. Like literally humans are not sharing stuff with other humans which is like the core thing of why this all worked. Because they're worried that this picture of this coconut shake is not gonna do as well as the picture of them hiking and so they're literally not posting. I mean, to live a life predicated on your success and happiness is predicated on likes or followers in a social network is a very vulnerable state, but has always been our vulnerable state.

9:29Do not confuse this. This is not a social media problem, this is a human problem. It's the same reason that people buy Mercedes that they can't afford, or buy homes that they can't afford, or wear sneakers that they can't afford. Or, I mean, high school never really ends for 99 % of people. Well, that was that initial tribal impulse, that evolutionary biology that said, get along with the tribe, make sure the tribe likes you you won't get exiled and then the tribe will take care of you but now there's no actual tribe that's hunting for food and foraging for fucking berries but we've universalized it to social media and the entirety of the world so it can become this paralyzing thing that our brains which were used to the dunbar number which was 150 people the maximum amount of people that you could actually give a shit about in your tribe really is what the psychologists assume but now it's like everybody and that's kind of fucking overwhelming and i don't think we've really adapted and I don't think people are really keen to how much of that social pressure actually affects us.

10:28And the modern day parent is blaming the network not the way they're parenting their child. With extraordinary forces. I want to stay on this. I apologize. This is a very big thing for me. There is no social network. It's a platform. Everything on Instagram was done by a human. People are like Gary, I'm so crippled by this bullshit and I'm like delete Instagram.

10:54I'm really, really, really passionate about accountability. We need to put it in the right place. We don't need to look the other way where there's systematic issues, there are. But we have to put accountability on a pedestal. Back to lack of entitlement, accountability, much of a kissing cousin of lack of entitlement, is such a driver for me. Every time something happens bad, I'm like that's my fault and that makes me happy not sad it makes me feel empowered Hey everybody uh hope you're enjoying the podcast right now make sure you follow the podcast that's why I'm interrupting let's keep going on this show but follow the podcast it'll make my mom super happy I just really really really want people to stop blaming Instagram yeah there is no Instagram there's you you don't like it don't consume it it's free yeah I mean just the same as don't don't blame the wine.

11:50Don't blame the wine. You're the one who uncorks it. A hundred percent. You're the one who drinks it. And I understand that there's pressures and I understand that there's addictive tendencies and I understand the way that the brain works and I understand it's not easy and some people may have it rougher than other people and all that's understood, but fundamentally, it's your hand, it's your bottle, it's your corkscrew. You know, you can make a different choice. And if you need help making that different choice, fucking go get help making that different choice. It's still though, like I agree with you with that accountability.

12:16Like we have to remember that This isn't about nerfing the whole world and saying, oh, video games and fucking Instagram. It's all bad and it's ruining the kids. Like, no, these are extraordinary forces. So let's acknowledge those and let's just teach and coach and like help people out. Sugar is an extraordinary force. It is. It is. Right? Like, I think that's right. But I think right now we're in a very convenient state and everybody's throwing around judgment and blame like it's free. and we need to, I feel a huge sense of responsibility to articulate accountability, lack of entitlement and positivity because I believe in it.

12:56And I understand, by the way, there's a, you know, it's funny, there's a very interesting thing going on here right now which is there's an extraordinary amount of people that are content or happy, they just don't communicate. Right? Like negativity by nature is louder, has always been. Your grandmother who's miserable was louder than your grandfather who's content. The problem is now words are being documented at scale. This has always been the way. There's nothing different right now. It's just that we can't look at our grandmother's tweets. Fuck if we could. I mean my grandmother was one of the most super negative people I've ever come across in my life.

13:45in my life, just unbelievably negative. Everything was negative. Every good thing that happened was a conspiracy theory. And I used to be mad at her, and then I had to remind myself as I got older and more thoughtful, I'm like, this is a woman who lived in the Soviet Union, who went through World War II, who saw some shit, and who lost her husband, and who had a, because I knew my great grandmother too, had a negative, negative mother. and you become more empathetic as you become more thoughtful, but it doesn't take away from the fact that my grandma would've been spitting fucking venom on Instagram if that shit was around in 1957.

14:25You know, and so, like I think we need to get into some real conversations and right now the conversations are lazy. Social media's bad. It's Apple's job to restrict it. And that's cool, I'm like fine with a level of like platform and government involvement, I'm fine with that, but like you'll always be disappointed if you think some big force is gonna save you. You'll always be disappointed. So just solve it for yourself. That's what we, but that's, people make money off that idea as well which is one of the things that in the health world is really challenging to look at when people give some kind of diagnosis for every little thing and give some magical cure that's outside of someone's control.

15:07Like apple fucking vinegar or fucking celery fucking vinegar. like I see all this shit I'm like what the fuck well in anything it's like this thing is out of your control you can't fix it oh you're having a little trouble focusing don't worry we got you covered like you're broken you're broken like all the messaging coming across is you're broken we can fix you you're broken we can fix the end you know somebody yeah the end yeah and I'm like you're not broken you're not broken that's the secret nobody here is broken nope we all suck shit at a ton of shit, we all are actually good at a couple of things, spend all your fucking time trying to figure out what you're good at, and if God forbid one of those things is something you actually like too, you're off to the fucking races.

15:48And in 2019, when you can make a podcast or an Instagram account or a Shopify store around Dragon Ball Z and make 73 ,000 a year doing that, that's real, what I just said is real. That's fucking crazy that if you go pot committed, you have a job that you don't like, paying college debt that you're pissed about, but instead of coming home and having a beer and watching Netflix and playing fucking Fortnite to escape, I get it. You want to escape, I get it. What I'm saying is just take a step back. Listen to me for a second. Come home and start building your Dragon Ball Z eBay account by buying shit on Craigslist and flipping it.

16:29Start a podcast and go Dragon Ball Z episode one. here we are, da da da. Start an Instagram account around Dragon Ball Z. Build, build, build, build, build, build, build, build, if you fucking did that around, somewhere 12 years ago, loved Black Panther. Somebody did. It was a rare comic book. It wasn't the biggest of the world, but somebody loved it. But they didn't think that they could build a business about Black Panther. What they didn't know was 10 years later, Black Panther was gonna be made a feature film that was gonna completely penetrate culture. If she or he had a podcast and Instagram account that really was the nichiest of niche Black Panther fans, which made no fucking sense 10 years ago, but it had its 43 ,000 people that fucked with Black Panther, when that movie came out and had that huge marketing budget, that motherfucker would have gotten 50 ,000 bucks to market the fuck out of that movie on his Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, podcast, blog.

17:25And that same person right now is still sitting in their cubicle making 79 ,000 a year hating life. I'm fascinated by that. It's interesting. It's almost like we all have the chance to drill our wells. And we drill our wells through our effort, through our sweat, through our focus, through our intensity. But the water table may be at 300 feet. So if we don't go deep enough, if we're just kind of casually fucking with Black Panther instead of really going deep and continuing to dig, we won't ever hit the water of being lucrative or the water of success. We may pull up at 200 feet. We may pull up at 250 feet and not get any water.

17:58And so there's no confusion. Somebody's gonna go 400 feet. The great thing is that we could all do it. The bad thing is we could all do it. So now you're competing with the world. You know, there's a lot of people that started wine videos in 2008 after mine popped. Every liquor store in America started their wine show. They just weren't good enough. Right? There's a lot of people trying to do Gary Vee videos on Instagram every day. A whole, whole, whole lot. A lot more of those than wine shows in 2008. but they're not good enough because it's not true. Yeah. Like, the only way to really win is to be true.

18:33You gotta be it, man. You gotta fucking be it. You know, I had an interesting thing happen last night. So yesterday I was out shooting hoops, so I could hopefully beat you today, which failed. I lost. By the way, when we replay the tape, I genuinely think after you drilled that first one, the subtle way I cast it back to make you move, and then we talked about it. And then I laughed. I really believe in that shit. It worked. I believe the majority of victories that I've had in physical sports things have been completely mental victories, non-physical-wise. Well, this is all right. So Gary throws the ball with the wrong spin, so I have to go reach for it.

19:06But I definitely actually soccer kick it back to myself. And actually what fucked with me too was, all right, I see Gary playing that trick. I know what it's supposed to do. But look at how smooth I was with that soccer kick. So I'm fucking patting myself in the back and I'm all in my head. Because the brain is the operating system. And what happened was, I stopped the ebb and flow of what was naturally going to happen. And then you are so in the brain, too, that you almost overcorrected. Yeah, totally. And away we go. And I pull off a stunning victory. Well, in my efforts to try and prevent that from happening, I'm out there shooting hoops in my backyard.

19:38And I've lived at this house for almost seven years. And in the front of the house, there's a drainage ditch. And the drainage ditch has some embankments. And it has some places where, like, the drain kind of has a tunnel. And I just would think, all right, this is the drainage ditch in front of my house. I never thought another thing about it. Well, yesterday, there's a kid on a BMX bike, and I'm out there shooting hoops, and he is just ripping through my drainage ditch, jumping over the things, hitting the embankment, riding it like a vert ramp, and then going back and, like, peeling out. And I was like, whoa.

20:06I never saw the front of my yard as a BMX fucking terrain park, but he did because that's what he does. Like, he was clearly, like, he is that dude. He was the dude who could see that as a terrain park. And whoever you are right now, wherever you are, you're the dude that sees something that someone else doesn't see that the owner of the fucking house never saw once. I had no idea. I was like, that's just the annoying part that if I fall off the driveway, I'll get stuck. But I didn't see it as a BMX terrain park. But we all have that ability. We all have something there. I'm such a fan of what you just said.

20:38Honestly, you know, usually when I go on podcasts or things that nature, I'm like trying to answer the questions. I'm thinking I've already done it once here. I'm listening. So I'm thinking of new things to say. that really stopped me dead in my tracks and I'm gonna tell you why. I'm obsessed with perspective. Like, I genuinely believe you find what you're looking for. If you are looking for bad right now, it's a piece of cake. If you're looking for good right now, it's a piece of cake. I'm just asking you what the fuck are you looking for? Like, please, it's just a very simple question. And by the way, I hate, in a lot of ways I hate the way I talk because it's super simple and I'm sitting right now thinking about the kid who's listening to this and she or he is in a room right now, ear pods in, listening to this and they're miserable because their dad's an alcoholic or their mom's this or like real shit, you know, like tough stuff.

21:28And they're like, ugh, it's so, like fuck you. It's not that simple. Yet it is. Like, you know, one thing I don't do well is talk about my problems, which manifests in many ways. It manifests in being taken for granted in my real life and in my collective life, my outward life, I got fucking problems. I got lots of problems, real ones. I grew up with lots of stuff. Like lots and lots and lots of stuff. I just am not capable of going into it. Like I don't get going, like I can't get there. And so one of the things that I try to remind kids, I'm like take me out of the equation. Like don't even use me when I'm saying these things.

22:09If you know of one person that has ever gotten to a happy place that dealt with your circumstance, there is a blueprint, the end. There have been people, Night Train Lane, legendary football player, was thrown in a dumpster the second he was born. Went on to be one of the great football players of all time, dated every actress in the game, was Red Fox's bodyguard, iconic gentleman. Dumpster. Like, there's all sorts of circumstances. And we all have our fucking dumpsters. Everybody's got a dumpster, bro. And you know who has dumpsters, I apologize. You know who has dumpsters? Kids that have too much.

22:48You wanna talk about who I'm actually getting hit up by? It's not the kid in the hood that saw me with, you know, Gunna and they think I'm cool now and they're like, how do I get other, it's kids that are trust fund babies who are sick. Listen, and I know this, I never judge somebody that comes from a shitty circumstance. I'm a cheerleader, I'm an underdog guy, right? I cheer that. I see, I meet you and we're friends and then like we're at a dinner party and my friend comes in and goes, you know who that is, right? Like that's the grandson of fucking Howard Hughes. I immediately judge that person.

23:18Nothing that person ever achieves I'll give credit to. That's me, that's actually how I see the world. I will not fully give credit to my own children because of that reason. I really, I'm being very transparent here. I would much rather in a world of the internet where the internet doesn't care who you are, I would much rather in 2019 come from too little than come from too much. Not in 1984, because there was no internet. And all those relationships and all that money really mattered. But I believe that we're living in a very funny time where clout, reputation, work ethic, a lot of different things are starting to be put on pedestals, not just money and earning your keep and who you are and what you're giving to the world.

24:00And I think we're living in a very interesting transition. Whatever you have, it changes your start position and that can be overwhelming, right? It's all about what you do with what you have from where you begin. And by the way, it's all perspective, right? For me, as somebody who takes so much pride in the process, I wouldn't have wanted to start on third and a half base. Somebody else listening right now is like, I'm pretty cool with it. Pretty pumped, pops. Well, you just, if you start on third and a half base, you better fucking hit it 500 feet and keep killing it, right? Or, by the way, but here's where it's really fun.

24:29Here's where it gets super interesting. Or not. And guess what? Who the fuck are all of us? You're on third and a half base and you end up on second and a half base, and what? And this is actually the punchline. I want, like actually if somebody's listening right now, if you're somebody who's like 50, 60, 70 and you started on third and a half base and ended on second and a half base, but you're pumped as fuck and happy for real, please email me. I'm really like, I just wanna know that insight because I actually think it's the reverse of me. What, excuse me, I think it's similar to me, which is what actually happens when you can calibrate judgment?

25:03I believe one of the biggest reasons that I'm one of the forefront faces of all this is because I can handle the judgment. How much hate I have. There's a video right now of a young woman doing a motivational speech. She crushed it. It's going a little viral on Twitter. I'm getting destroyed by the comments. They're like, yeah, fuck that Gary Vee guy. I know that's who you're making fun of. That hurts. And most people are folding their chairs when they get judged like that. I'm not because I know every one of those people who said that have never met me. I can handle judgment if you don't know me if Caleb and Nick Dio thought I was a dick face then I would have a real problem well then it's a truer reflection but even still it's not the truest we ourselves are the truest mirror of ourselves if we actually are fair and we actually look without the biases that we all bring then we're the only ones I mean Bodie Miller was someone who taught me that he was like if someone pumps your tires they don't know you if they congratulate you on that he would get congratulated on finishing a race and he didn't like the race he couldn't take that he's like well i didn't fucking ski at my best and he would ski his best sometimes crash or not finish well and everybody like oh sorry man he'd be like fuck you man like i fucking skied my best you know what i mean man like honestly like that just got me fired up about bodi i'm the same way man like like it's unbelievable how i just i do not take the accolades and i do not take the hate i'm just fucking in the middle i'm in my own head it's It's really a reflection of who's saying it.

26:30It's not even a reflection of you, it's their projection of you. You'll appreciate this? It doesn't even go that far, bro. Honestly, I've got ear pods in 24 seven. Can't hear shit. From my mom to a stranger, just don't hear it. I don't know what else to tell you. I'm in a very fucking place, a very interesting place on this. You know what it's driven by? Empathy. I know they don't know me. They don't know me. They just can't fucking begin to know me. Like I hate Scottie Pippen. I don't know Scottie Pippen. So I understand it. I fucking hate Scottie Pippen. I despise Tom Brady. And I actually know a lot of people that know him.

27:07It sounds like he's a fairly solid dude. I still fucking hate him. And so like, if I'm willing to do that, then everyone's willing to do that. And everyone gets permission to do that. And that's it. But I think judgment is on tilt. Judgment is like fucking, I'm telling you man, like that's all we're doing now. People are just fucking hot taking each other 24 seven, and 365, casting judgment at scale. Judgment is on tilt. Judgment is, has momentum. Judgment is the undertone right now. And honestly, I wanna push so against it. Or calibrate it. You know, like I'm just, I've lost so much momentum in judging somebody you can't imagine in the last five years.

27:46Everybody does it, it's a human trait, but like, mine doesn't get going anymore. Like I'm just like, I don't know anything about anybody. it's true it's hard enough to know ourselves let alone talking somebody else like to really have a clear view of us who was looking in the fucking mirror back at us like to really see that shit i mean that's hard enough work let alone somebody else another entire human being and all of the pressures and all the urges and all the things and the amount of hypocrisy people spit like just like oh fuck that guy look what he just did and like literally they did that shit yesterday like i just see it every day it's crazy like like i'm just shocked by people's ability to be such insane hypocrites well the ego needs to put them in a position where they feel superior the ego only judges itself in relative position so no matter what if someone's uncomfortable with their relative position they'll have to make a bro fucking adjustment we have to fucking redefine ego because for some reason a lot of alphas like to think ego's decent let me just explain this very very clear to everybody, straight up, from one man's point of view, ego is insecurity with makeup on.