How To Say No, Communication Techniques & Branding | #AskGaryVee 335

0:00On this episode, Seth steps in for India. We're still trying to find her. And we answer a bunch of hi-ho questions. This is the Gary Vee Audio Experience. Hey everybody and welcome to episode 335 of the Ask Gary Vee show. We're going old school. There is some variable differences. Seth is now India. Stunwin is nowhere to be seen. But DRock and Sid are still here so I feel cozy and I'm excited to do the show. So all the questions today come from the app HiHo, where I've been really fascinated by their platform. I started really digging into it and then I decided to get some advisory series and invest in it.

0:40A lot of you have been using it. I think it fits the way that people are doing Q &A in the mobile world. So I decided to do an episode using that format, Seth. You're allowed to talk on this show. You know, I know you might be. Yeah, yeah. Not sure what you just said, but let's get into the show. Hey Gary, I know it's really important to maintain your energy and focus on the things that are important. So how do you maintain relationships, but also say no to give yourself the energy to do and pursue the things that you really need to do? No, this is a great question. I'm not great at no. Ironically, literally yesterday was Monday.

1:17Sunday night or Monday, I started to feel a lot of pressure. I have, which is kind of rare for me. I have a lot going on at VaynerX land. Our team, who I'm hanging out with right now, in general is probably in an interesting point of transition because I've been incredibly passive by nature with the Gary V content. Everyone's trying to figure out our way. And there's 36 other things. I was thinking about my calendar over the next eight weeks and how bad I am at saying no. People need help. I love karma. I love karma. which means that you're saying yes to a lot of things that don't make sense. And so, a couple things.

1:59One, it's incredibly easy to say no in the way that I think you're asking the question. If I can flip for you on stage, could you offer me an internship? No. The reality is, if somebody's asking you for something, even though it's an important relationship, no different than kind candor, there's a way to have compassionate, explanatory no's. Can I interview you on my podcast? No. No. But I'll make you a promise. You get to 100 episodes and I'll do episode 101. Thank you. If DRock, who I'm very close to, asks for something, I can be compassionate that he wants to work on this project right now.

2:39I can explain to him that I'm in a real mess these next eight to 12 weeks and then say no. That no is gonna land a lot better than if I'm just saying no. I think that what we miss in society a lot is the nuanced energies and words needed to deliver the package. Candor was a struggle for me, like I talked about in 12 and a half. Once I put the word kind in front of it, that package to the delivery of the message allowed me to be better at it. Compassionate, empathetic, explanatory no's I think are incredibly effective in the way that you're asking the question. Hey Gary, I'm Real Cities and I wanna make a YouTube channel.

3:17Should I make one or three? I want to interview local business owners. I want to highlight what I'm doing just in my process and I want to highlight the city and all the features it has. Should I make one channel or three? The answer's one. I really believe that. I think fragmentation, we've had fragmentation, we've had two in the past. Fragmentation's difficult, especially with the way that algorithms are going. I do believe that TikTok was a monumental change in the social media landscape. DRock, if you can point up there, Up there, DRock will show you Tumblr stock. I invested in Tumblr many, many, many moons ago because it was built on the interest graph.

3:57For everybody in their mid to late 20s, early 30s, this is gonna make sense to you. Tumblr was special back in 2008, nine, seven, 10 because it wasn't like who you followed, it was things you were interested in. And that's why I found Tumblr to be incredibly special. And if I was making videos like this back then, And I might have even talked about Tumblr as a better concept than Twitter and Facebook, which might have seemed historically wrong in the 2020s or the 20-teens, called 2010 to 2020. But the reason I jumped on Musical.ly early, show the clip of Musical.ly stars on Ask Gary Vee many years ago.

4:33On this episode, we talk Musical.ly with Musical.ly celebs. The reason I jumped on Musical.ly early, which later got bought, but was really in essence the American TikTok, and then there was an acquisition. The reason I always believed in TikTok was because it was around interest, right? Your first video might get 4 million views. You have no followers. I have 13 million followers on TikTok but can put out a TikTok that gets only 30 ,000 views. The next one can get 2 million. I always believed in that and that's kind of where I see the world going more and more. You know, I think that because of that, less destination, less going to someone's page but seeing what's in someone's feed allows you to have all three different subject matters stick on your channel.

5:17And I think that's what we're gonna be seeing more and more. Just like I used to embed, embed the YouTube and Vidler videos from YouTube and Vidler on WineLibraryTV.com because we hadn't been used to going to social networks. We went to people's destination websites to consume a video. I think the same thing's happening within the micro of social media. I think we now can have four, five, seven, 12 different things inside of our channels because the algorithms are now going to be more focused on what consumers are interested in versus who they follow. This episode is brought to you by Accenture.

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6:21We're sharp this morning, Sid. We're sharp. What is one, two, or maybe even three conversation techniques that you use to try and get on the good side of all the people that you're communicating with? not necessarily trying to get something out of it, but how do you just go about sharing that love with people from the get-go? You know, brother, it's not a technique. It's an intent. I don't have one, two, or three techniques. I just have my intent. My intent is to bring value to the other person. Thus, every action comes from that. The actions, the techniques, the concepts come from the intent, not the reverse.

7:02So this one comes very natural to me. through my content that I've been incredibly intellectually generous with for 15 years, to the interactions I have with my team, to the way I work with my clients, to everything that happens in my life, when you have the intent to do good, which by the way, as a human being, you're not always going to deliver 100 % on your intent. And that's a real reality. But the technique is at the core, the seed of your actual intent. If you're actually there sitting and talking to somebody and you want to bring them value, get on the good side. There's only one way to get on the good side.

7:34To be good. You like that one Seth? You like that? Hey everybody. Hope you're enjoying the podcast right now. Make sure you follow the podcast. That's why I'm interrupting. Let's keep going on this show. But follow the podcast. It'll make my mom super happy. Mic drop at the end. Hey Gary. Thank you so much for this opportunity. I'm a therapist and spiritual coach. Here's my question. Me too. I built up a pretty sizable audience. how do I increase engagement? I'm mostly on TikTok and Instagram. Thank you. Increasement of engagement comes from non-scalable behaviors. Let me say it one more time for the kids in the back.

8:17Increased engagement only comes from non-scalable behaviors. Point number one, reply to every comment you get every time for the rest of your life. I did that for the first five years of my career before it became mathematically impossible. Point number two, go on Instagram and TikTok live more often so you can actually interact more. Point number three, do something like the Ask Gary Vee show where if people leave comments, extract them and do a show like this which will then show people that you're actually listening to their comments which will engage that audience to compel them to do more engagement.

8:54Engagement is the hardest thing to earn. Engagement is the best thing to earn. engagement takes work most people think the work is done once you post the content to me that's the beginning of the work process on your way up what's your advice if I'm interested in something and I lose interest very quickly when I've tried a bunch of things especially that it stresses me out because I feel like I'm never going to find my true passion what would you advise me on that thank you it's a great question My perspective on this is it's no different than kissing a bunch of frogs until you find your prince.

9:34No different than dating or friendships. You know, all of us at this point watching this video have gone through friendships and potentially relationships. And the reality is some new kid moves in fourth grade. You think you're going to be friends. The first couple days are good. And then the third day she or he shows you that they're not a nice person and you walk away. Which is fine. No different than interests and passions. you know the reality is is that I went skiing once back you know 15 years ago and it was fine I kind of liked it I was surprised I was decent by the third day but it wasn't a passion of mine and it's not something I want to allocate instead of going garage sailing that's okay you're also extremely young and the reality is is that I wouldn't beat yourself up or over judge yourself just because you didn't fall in love with cooking or being a yoga teacher or being into concrete manufacturing The reality is you still haven't found it.

10:24That's awesome. There's nothing wrong with that. You're getting judged by people who've settled. This is an incredibly important point in our society. Normally, the people that will cast judgment on someone who's still trying to explore are people who themselves settled without exploring and are subconsciously deploying Misery Loves Company. Just to give you context of what just happened, that just sucked the air out of the room with my team behind this camera because it's such a profound point that I've not really made this articulately and it's very important for all of you. If you continue to be fighting to find your happiness and you find yourself getting judgment from your inner circle, I promise you many of them just gave up and they are envious and subconsciously, these are your parents, these are your best friends, these are your siblings.

11:15They're not intending to be mean, tear you down, stop you, conform you into settling like they did, but that's exactly what they're doing so that there'd be no confusion. Your inner circle, society, is incredibly subconsciously interested in you conforming. Don't. Hi Gary, this is Denise from New Jersey. I have a commercial company here and as much as I post, I feel a little almost guilty with what's going on in in the world posting. How do you balance that as far as being considerate and not making it about you, but still getting your business out there? Thanks, bye. It's a tremendous question and my team here knows because a lot of them are newer and they got to see it in real life this last weekend, as the tensions in Ukraine and Russia went higher.

12:09It was me in my team thread, me in the VFriends thread that said slow down. Like this is just not the time. Like you know as much as like we're putting love into the world and I do believe that the message that we put out through the lens of business but the deeper message is incredibly powerful during these times. It's also not very obvious to the 99 % that are watching this what I'm actually doing. And so it sits in the context of entrepreneurial and business content which I feel is inappropriate. And then you find your way. Like I've canceled three Twitter spaces this week as Sid knows. I did one because I felt in that moment maybe it was the right thing.

12:47You go with your gut, you do the best you can. It's back to the intent thing. I think there's been many times that I slash VaynerMedia's clients from my dictation at the top have paused content because it does feel tone deaf. It's really hard to say, hey, buy my album when we're on the precipice of a real war in Europe which with a nuclear state, it's tense. At the same token, living in constant fear is not scalable either. I've done a lot of reading in the last month, ironically, around how people functioned during World War II in places that the war was going on. It's fascinating, it's the human spirit.

13:31You try to like, you can't just dwell 24 seven, otherwise you're in a vegetal state. And so you find your way, the fact that you're even asking the question means you shouldn't post. Because it's already on your mind. And that would be my answer to everybody. If it's even crossing your mind, maybe I shouldn't post, then you shouldn't. Always go with that. Your intuition is incredibly right. Don't let your logical need for something at that moment take over. You know, always lean into your intuition if you're hesitant to post. Hey Gary Vee. My main question that I want to ask is how do you find and pursue your passion after like a big loss in your life say like a family member or Very emotionally impactful moment.

14:18I'm a big believer that the world is doing a bad job in not allowing people to grieve When there are events that I'm assuming are happening here my friend Which I'm so sorry for I don't think the world does a good job on allowing to grieve for example You would think me, Mr. Rah-rah positive, go, go, go, happy, look on the bright side, would be the first person to overwhelm you when something like that happens, to be like, no, it's okay, they want you to keep going, they're looking down and they wouldn't want you. I feel like I, on paper, look exactly like the person that would be at the forefront of the, no, let's start the rest of your life and they're looking down at you and they love you.

14:57Which I have those thoughts. Comma, at 46 years old with the gray hairs, my belief is that we need to collectively as eight billion people, create a better conversation around grieving. I really do. I, for instance, feel no pressure on getting back to work when I have a moment like that happen in my life. I really don't. I will grieve whether because I haven't been through it it might take me an hour because I could see that knowing my chemicals and it could take me four months and I can see that because and by the way let's all call a spade a spade the circumstances also are a major variable like how did you lose someone is it a tragic ridiculously unfortunate accident that's going to hit you different than a long drawn out illness.

15:56Like there's a million ways to think this through. Did you have time to reconcile it because it was a drawn out illness or was that even more challenging because it was like a cloud for two years? There's just so many circumstances. What was your relationship with that person? Of course, like, you know, people have parents and siblings and spouses and children and loved ones, but I don't think anybody here is confused. We have different relationships with the closest people in our lives that are different than our friends and family. My relationship with my mother couldn't be more different than my dad's relationship with his.

16:32And so there's a lot of variables that go into this. I often find that regret is a huge driver of how someone reacts. This is why I over push people to over communicate with the people they love. I think a lot of us get into our patterns. It was easier for me to talk to my parents when I had an hour commute from New York to New Jersey and Wine Library for five years than it is today, I think about it daily. Like, do I feel good about how often I'm talking to the people I love knowing that everyone has an expiration date? My friend, the answer to the question is give yourself time to grieve. It's just okay.

17:09It's the most profound, there's only, there's two profound moments in life. The moment someone is born and the moment that someone dies. There's a lot of interesting stuff in between, weddings and other things, but that's it. At its core, that's it. And I think that they should be understood and we should go deeper into them and I think we have to be more supportive of grieving and letting people go through it. Obviously, you want to be supportive and some people get into a spiral. There's people that are more positive by nature. There's people that are more negative. There's so many nuances to this question but I'm a big fan of one thing, like a big, big fan.

17:50I say it a lot. I think that people judge themselves too much. I just think all of you, all of you are beating yourself up too much about things. The things you're not, or my sister's back to work and doing great. Why am I sitting in this dark room sad about my dad? Because that's how you feel. And that's okay. And I think we need to have that combo. Hey Gary, what are your tips for a fashion brand besides from making content on TikTok? What else do you got first? Thanks. First, make four organic TikToks a day. I mean it. In the 15 years of my career that I would call my modern career, but really my 25-year career actually, because it all came from email and Google AdWords and all the things I did at Wine Library when I didn't have a penny to spend on marketing, this is all about underpriced attention.

18:40One of my recommendations, the same recommendations that always happen when you make a consumer product, whether it's a coffee, a phone, a sneaker or a fashion brand. Make a good product and get people to know about it. So what do I think? Don't take shortcuts on the product. Make less quantity, but make higher quality. Like make a good product. Number two, get people to know about it. By far, and there's not even anything close, organic TikTok is the greatest opportunity for somebody that doesn't have a million dollars to spend on marketing. The next best thing, paid ads on TikTok. YouTube shorts I'm very passionate about, I think is a real opportunity for arbitrage, so making YouTube shorts.

19:23Networking, you know, whatever city you live in, hang out with other fashion people. Humans are the only other great moat besides media arbitrage. So one human can change your life. So if you're out at 2 a.m. in Berlin at the hot club, cause you got yourself in there and you meet Hans and he's the head of this, that, and the other thing. Like one person can change your life. That's just real talk. And so I think that that would be the other thing I would think about networking with real humans in real life, especially I think all of us are collectively pent up for that in a post-COVID world and I think that should be on strategy.

20:02But I'm not letting you get away with it. I would bet the farm that if I looked at your social media, TikTok, just the way you asked the question, there's no way you're doing four organic TikToks for your fashion brand a day. And the amount of people that we've seen come through these doors, AKA actual doors at Vayner, but more importantly, the DMs and everything else are extraordinary. So here's your TikTok. This is Instagram. Does he even have a TikTok? Find this brand. Yeah, but like, you know, the, one day ago, two days ago. Two dudes about this.

20:45Yeah, I mean, I'm just so over this Instagram. Like, this looks like a high-end fashion magazine photos. I understand what you're trying to convey from a quality standpoint. I just don't think people give a shit. I just don't think people give a shit about every fucking fashion brand's Instagram looking like fucking Vogue from 1994. Because that's what this is. And like, fuck. People want engagement, people want other nuances. Between all the fucking A-list celebrities in the world, all the wannabe A-list celebrities, and every fucking fashion brand, Instagram looks like a magazine from the 80s.

21:21It's just not interesting. I'm pumped for a quick little inspo, but the Ralph Lauren model here that he's executing on Instagram is like, it looks nice, it's like, okay, this is high end. I just don't think that that's what's winning. That's why streetwear is really dominating high fashion because there's a sensibility of some level of realness. I think we're fatigued. I think high-end fashion brands' biggest issue by a country mile is the complete and utter lack of humility and not taking themselves serious. Just something. Can we get an off-speed pitch? Just one time. This guy has fucking, what the fuck?

22:34Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. Right?

22:45You got her hook. Yeah, I mean, you got to take TikTok way more serious and you've got to tone down the elitism on Instagram. Hi, Gary. Hi. I've been doing YouTube videos for around about four years and under the name Damn Sam. And last night I was out and about and somebody asked me for my picture. First time I've been asked that. That's awesome. Any advice for people coming up and asking you for your picture? I love the show. I love you back, brother. My advice is to never, ever, ever, I took two pictures yesterday out at dinner and the people that were with me who are close, it was the VCR group, my partner's in the five, oh, the partner, that's how I have a fresh new hat.

23:34I was out with the VCR guys last night. Big shout out to the people that went to the Miami events for Fly Fish Club. I took two photos, kind of like came while we were eating dinner, so it was like more, I would say skews a hair more towards interruption, but very sweet, the best. But like definitely not like out and about, like actually interruption style more. But again, incredibly sweet, both groups. and the observation for Capon was he was just so happy because he's like, man, you still, after all this time, are just so happy, joyous. He's like, never lose that. And I'm like, I won't. It's back to the first question or the third question, intent, right?

24:16My advice on how to deal with it is to never let it not be flattering. Never, ever, ever let it not be flattering. The fact that another human being wants to go out of their way of what they're up to at that exact second to stop and take a picture with you because you mean something to them, that is profound and humbling and something that I could never understand. Even the instances where I haven't loved the tone or tonality, and I'm looking at D-Rock because he's been there a lot, I still don't know how to convert that into a negative. I'm more compassionate and empathetic of like, I hope that person's okay or everything's good.

25:01But yeah. I like the person that was pushing you in the back the other day. Very aggressive. D-Rock almost got beat up. Do you remember the worst moment like that? I don't. I don't. It happened early because with Wine Library TV, it happened in 2006, right? And it was weird. I think when it first started happening where somebody thought I was cool was happening inside my wine store. So the context was weird. It was within my own domain kind of. So yeah, I don't really recall. And I don't recall because it kind of goes back to the ears thing. Because I didn't think I was anything, it doesn't register.

25:44Yeah, you still don't register a lot of that. I don't think so, right? No. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't think you should. You know, like I was saying to Ab yesterday and we were catching up about something, I was like, it's hard for me to hear the booing because I don't hear the cheering. I'm very big on that. I think it really matters. I think it starts at a young age. I've been spending a lot of time on what we cheer for for our children become their framework. If we cheer that they're so good looking, they start to find value in their looks and become vulnerable in their 50s and 60s and 70s and 80s.

26:21If we cheer for their sports acumen and they're gonna be a pro and then they're not, they're lost at 22. Here's the scary one. If we cheer about their grades, we teach them to conform to systems that judge them every 90 days. That one scares me to no end. I will definitely be exploring that. This is the first time you've heard it. I'm in the lab working on this one. If we teach our kids to do good every 90 days by the subjective nature of a system, the current academic system, and a subjective notion of the teacher deciding them to give them an A and a B based on class participation. We are teaching them to conform to the system.

26:59And then they become those humans. So I think what we cheer for, my mom cheered for two things. No, my mom cheered for one thing and then the world cheered for a thing. As a child, I was booed for my sports acumen, my scholastic acumen, and anything else, my look, whatever. And though my mom told me I was the best looking at all the time. and then but my mom cheered when I was a nice kid and the world cheered for me when I did business when I sold lemonade and sports cards the world told me I was good my mom told me I was good when I was nice to people not because of my grades and I'm a 46 year old obnoxiously successful businessman who pushes kindness I don't think that's by accident I think for all of us we need to think about as managers as leaders and definitely as parents what do you cheer for I think Vayner has a great culture because I'm more often cheering a C-suite or an SVP for how they handle the situation from an emotional standpoint more than how much money they brought in.