Important Ingredients To Balance For a Healthy Relationship Between Parents and Kids

0:00I think it starts with not parenting based on validation from the outside. It's when you compromise your own values and your own beliefs because of the subjective opinion of random people. Success for me is not money. Success is peace of mind. Lack of anxiety. Smiling when you wake up versus frowning. Being optimistic versus being cynical. Not being affected by the opinions and judgment of other parents and releasing our own judgment of other parents. I think those two steps. Well, the more you deploy judgment, the more you're susceptible to judgment. There's a level of knowing that your parent gives a shit that comes along with consequences.

0:34that's powerful. Yeah, you don't like it, but you can appreciate it on some level. Correct. You also respect it. Parenting is hard because anything that's special is hard. Attention is the number one asset. Gary, welcome. Thanks so much for being here. Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to chat about, I feel like a new topic for you somewhat. You're so well known in the online world, and this is a little bit of a new road for you. So I'm really excited to get to delve in, especially because in the prep for this interview, you mentioned that you felt like you were perfectly parented. And we're talking to a lot of moms.

1:06And I know this is something we think a lot about as moms is obviously wanting to do the best with our kids and kind of not getting to know until they're grown what worked and what didn't. So I would love to hear a little bit more on that from your perspective growing up in that environment. Maybe what things stood out or what do you feel like were the strengths that your mom especially had that really made a lasting difference for you? It's a great question. So, So, you know, obviously, thinking about the audience that's living, listening, excuse me. You know, it's funny, if you look at the 20 years of my content in the business and entrepreneurial world, there's always and it starts to rev up in 2008.

1:46And over the last five to seven years, I talk about it more directly. But I've always been very connected to emotional intelligence and really understanding how big of an impact my childhood had on my career. And then to the point that you're asking specifically, just an incredible understanding that the way my mom specifically parented me the first 14 years of my life. And then the reason I use that number is then I spent a lot of time with my dad working in the family liquor store business because he was always there. The impact was pretty enormous. And the reason I have been working on a book for a long time called Perfectly Parented is, of course, I'm not perfectly parented.

2:28but I'm incapable of being upset or angry at any of the moves that my parents made that were shortcomings because I'm too grateful and thankful for all the things they did well. To answer you directly, ironically, it's why the book is titled Meet Me in the Middle. I think what my mom did, which was very unusual for the 80s and incredibly unusual today, was she found balance. You know, I think that a lot of parenting shortcomings in modern times is that we've overcorrected from the parenting styles of the 50s, 60s, 70s. And we've now gone, let's just use political terms. If the OG days were too red, well, today's last 30 years have been too blue, right?

3:25Over coddling, eighth place trophies, no accountability. We don't even ground kids, no ramifications, unbelievable disrespect in the way kids speak to their parents by comparison. And so I think my mom made me feel like I was remarkable and capable, but she didn't create delusion and entitlement. And I'm going to say that again. She made me feel like I could do it. And I was the great, greatest, and I was special. but there was no delusion or entitlement that came along with it. Meaning I had the ability to do many things, but I was going to have to work for it. And, you know, everything had a price and civility mattered and kindness mattered.

4:09Oh, and most of all, if you disrespected me, this is her talking to me or any other grownup, that was unacceptable. It was just this incredible concoction of many different ingredients that were really foundational. She grounded me for every rapport card because I was a poor student, but I never felt that I was dumb or wasn't going to succeed because of a bad rapport card. That is a tightrope that she walked that I admire to this day. And it's impacted me so much that when I wrote my first kid's book, Meme in the Middle, even the whole VFriends thing, this Pokemon meets Sesame Street world I have created this intellectual property, it's about kindness and good, but competition and merit.

4:51And that is a level of purple that America and parenting around the world need because we've gone to blue and red. Well, congrats to your mom. That sounds like she walked an incredible line very, very well. And for you as an adult to still have remembered those lessons and have so much gratitude for them, I think that's the goal for a lot of moms. And for a lot of moms listening, I was the oldest of three. I was the only one born in the old country. I was born in the Soviet Union. We immigrated here when I was three. My sister was born right when we got here. And then my brother was born 11 years later.

5:24And all three of us have an incredible relationship with my mom. She parented all three of us differently. So that's another thing. She contextualized every kid and reverse engineered them. And so it was not a one size fits all approach, which I think is also incredibly nuanced and important for people to hear. And again, all three of all two of my siblings, all three of us have plenty of things we can speak to mom. went too far here or dad did this, but we're incredibly fortunate to be parented by her. And it's motivated me as a public figure. I think so much of what I put out as Gary V on my content, it's like, look, you can be a winner, but don't compromise humanity.

6:09And definitely the mission I have with VFriends in this new book, I want kids to learn that many traits can be good, but not when they're out of balance. I think that message of balance is so important in today's world. And I love that you are bringing this to the children's space, because as you explained your childhood, I could obviously see the connections of how that I'm sure has translated into the work you do and into entrepreneurship. And this is a big core value in my family as well. I actually have an agreement with all of my kids that they have to have a profitable business for a year before they can have a phone or a car.

6:42Because I think so many tangible life lessons are learned through entrepreneurship and through trying something and failing, through having to work hard, through having to pay attention to details. And I could see those things your mom did. I was taking notes of ways I could integrate that even more so. But I'm really curious because you are known as in the online world for all of your advice around entrepreneurship and business and so much. And you have such a long history of that. You're probably one of the longest standing in that world. What inspired you to bring that into the world for children and with this children's book?

7:13So, you know, I started putting out content in 2006. It was around wine. In 2009, it started to segue into business and mindset. By 2015 and 2016, I started having these moments of like, why are people not doing the things that I'm saying? It's free advice and it's so black and white. I realized a lot of it had to do with people being insecure. That took me down a very interesting path for several years. And then I really started to get more known. And I started to get into forget about hundreds of 1000s of followers, forget about a million followers, but 10s of millions of followers. And that started giving me a real blessing, which was I was getting an outrageous amount of DMS from 15 to 25 year olds.

8:01And what I still to this day do pretty well, and I, I really recommend a lot of the people that are listening, especially if they're entrepreneurs, I think one of the biggest shortcomings we have as parents is we don't do enough listening. We don't really listen. We let them talk, but we don't internalize their opinions because they're seven, because they're 11, because they're 14. And so I understand. I mean, I'm very empathetic to all the delusion and ridiculousness that comes out of kids' mouths. But if you listen and you really pay attention, there's things. There's things being communicated.

8:38And so one of the things that I think that happened to me was I started reading so much of the comments because I still do this to this day. I mean, I read hundreds of comments a week. And in parts of my year, parts of my career, I've read thousands of messages a week. And so what started happening was I started to get themes. I started to understand themes. And I could see things were really changing as the world became, you know, we blame so much on social media. We blame so much on politicians. But I think one of the great misses in parenting currently, and of course, this is generalization, there's so many parents that are great at what I'm about to say, but there's a massive amount of lack of accountability in society right now.

9:32so we'll blame you know you i'm sure you'll laugh at this um i get stopped in airports and people are like gary i love your work but i gotta tell you like i don't believe in this tiktok thing i think it's bad and like my kids are getting like affected by it and i look them in the face and i'm like so then take it off their phone like you know like be a parent and so i i just think that it just started to become clear to me that there were certain themes that were populating. And I started to realize, oh, crap, getting people at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, and starting to talk to them about accountability, about optimism, about patience, about tenacity, about kindness, about nice guys finish first, not last, about true empathy.

10:23Like, you know, if you can't feel another person, and it's all about you, well, then you're just selfish, and you want the whole world to see the world the way you see it. And just all these deep things that are manifesting in our society, I started to realize, wait a minute, if I want to leave a huge impact on the world, which is definitely in me, you know, I'm not, I'm not a nonprofit, I'm not altruistic, I just feel like you can both build stuff for yourself and leave a good impact on the world. Selfish and selfless activities don't have to be in conflict. I think you can do them both at the same time.

11:00And I just started to realize, wait a minute, I want to get my messages younger. And if I can start putting out cartoons and kid books and trading cards, and, and, you know, if I can start replacing some of the content that I've seen kids consume, that I'm not sure is really delivering any true message. It's just commercially interesting for the people that are putting it out there. Well, I can have a selfish and selfless framework here. Let me get to kids at four, five, six, seven and start impacting their thinking and being a supplement to the good things their parents are putting in. Kind of like Sesame Street.

11:35I got very, very, very infatuated with Jim Henson during these last five years. I think he had real good intent. And I have really good intent with V friends. And so, yeah, I just felt like I had to get to I had to get to ages three, four, five, six, seven to really foundationally change perspective and be a positive contributor and a teammate to good parenting. Because what was happening was I was seeing the effects of my words on 20-year-olds, but that was more similar to therapy. You have to really put in a lot of work to unwind a lot of things that were foundational. And for me, all the shit that kids are consuming, even at a young age on YouTube Kids and things of that nature, I thought that I could contribute something positive that would set them up for more success.

12:22And success for me is not money. Success is peace of mind, lack of anxiety, smiling when you wake up versus frowning, being optimistic versus being cynical. And I'm focused on that. I love that. And I think those early ages, we often, I'm sure you've seen it as a parent too, but we often underestimate how incredibly capable kids are of understanding. I mean, even more so in learning at that age. And I think bringing those lessons at a really early age and trusting their capability and understanding them is amazing. I also really love, and want to highlight what you said about the difference between listening and letting them talk.

12:58I think that one step alone can completely change a parenting relationship when they feel heard. I know so many of us go to therapy as adults because we didn't feel heard as children. So I absolutely love that you said that. do you have any tangible tips for the parents listening on ways to bring in that balance and accountability with our kids, even at these young ages? Of course, the book helps with that. And I'll link to that in the show notes. But any practical tips from the parenting side that we can integrate? I have some real thoughts on this. So I'm going to give you a left field answer that I think is going to hit a lot of parents on the treadmill right now, driving right in the chest.

13:37I think it starts with not parenting based on validation from the outside.

13:48So I'm going for dramatic pause for a reason. You want to find balance? How about starting with the humility required for what I'm asking right now, which is looking yourself in the mirror and realizing that a lot of things you push your kids to are based on positive affirmation and justification from your own mother, from your sister, from fellow parents in the neighborhood, from the teachers and principals in school. There's too many parents who overvalue external authority and who overvalue the opinions of how well their kids are doing from family members, acquaintances, and other circles, including their social life.

14:35And I feel like that is probably the thing that my mom did best. If I really think the core of what got me to where I am and what she really did was she did not value principals and teachers, her friends, or any relatives' opinions on her parenting or on our good grades, bad grades, our clothes, what our activities were, really anything. And I think today's parent, and again, these are generalizations, there's many that are doing this well, but so many, I mean, by the way, let me give you an insight to a lot of parents that are listening. So many of the 15 to 25 year olds DMs to me is my parents don't care about me.

15:17They just want me to go Harvard to show me off to their friends. you know the second you start putting honor roll student bumper stickers on your car is the second you're starting to indicate to your kid that they care more about outside validation of you being good at school than their own parent being proud of it and it's like a real thing and i really do think a lot of people are listening to me right now and are either at the moment where they're ready to accept this truth that they're parenting for outside forces, or they're viscerally reacting to what I'm saying right now, either saying that's not me or glossing over, or even maybe being like, nah, man, that's not real.

15:58And I think that, I think it's a big one. I bet that did hit home for a lot of us. I know even in small ways, like when our toddlers have a temper tantrum in public, and there's that immediate feeling of what are other people going to think, it starts so young. And I know I can resonate with this, looking back to my own childhood, I internalized early that good grades equaled love or academic achievement equaled love. And that was a whole big thing that I got to learn to let go of in adulthood. But I know the goal for many parents is how do we avoid these same pitfalls in raising our own kids?

16:28Let's talk about the one that you just brought up. what you cheer for is what they strive for. So my mother, for example, gave me most positive reinforcement when I was nice. So when I opened the door for elderly women, when I'd go to McDonald's, this is like a big story in my life. This shaped my life. I once opened the door to an elderly woman when we went to McDonald's when I was eight. And you would have thought that I won the Nobel Peace Prize. My mom made such a to-do about it that it ingrained in my mind. And so I tell a lot of parents that if you are positive reinforcing and cheering for straight A's, they're going to overvalue conforming to systems.

17:27If you over cheer for them being attractive, like, you know, I grew up with a kid who was a good looking dude. And his mom, like, that's all they talked about, like how good look. And by the way, like, he's now a 48 year old man who's had like 40 plastic surgeries, tons of books, like, because and I get it now. I'm like, wow, white. He thinks to your point. That's the love language. That's the thing. That's what he brings to society. And so, you have to be very thoughtful of what you cheer for. And I think one thing that I'm very passionate about is cheering for good behavior, civility, kindness, who you are as a human being.

18:09And I think that's a big insight for parents. Like, what you make a to-do is going to really implant in their brain. And I think if you can get into accountability and work ethic, I mean, I can tell you for me, work ethic is very clearly. And again, sometimes it goes too far. Like, no question, am I a workaholic? Because like, how many hours I worked or how hard I worked was positively re-informed in my immigrant household. And so, you know, even though that's a good trait, And by the way, that's the book. It's a book of patient panda, excuse me, patient pig and eager eagle. Eagerness is amazing.

18:52But if you're overly sloppy, and not strategic and thoughtful, around your eagerness, well, then you're going to lose if you overdo it, if you overextend yourself. Patience is one of my favorite things to talk about as an entrepreneur. But if you overdo it, and it becomes complacency, well, it's a disease. So this goes back to that middle. And I think that's what parents need to be thinking about. I love that. And so praising the things like the kindness, the moments they go out of their way to help someone else, the work ethic, that when they work hard and put in effort at something, I think that's a huge key.

19:25And you touched on work ethic. I know as an entrepreneur who's hired people of various age groups, and I hear this from other entrepreneurs a lot, it seems like there's a lot of struggle with that work ethic and accountability piece, especially in certain segments of the younger population. Do you feel like this parenting shift is going to be helpful in sort of reversing that tie? Or what other things do you think could make a change there? Well, now you're going into, I appreciate you going to a hot topic in business land. Look, I know unlimited Gen Z kids that work for me and companies I'm an investor in that are working very hard.

19:58Comma. We need to, especially if you're listening right now and you're in a first world country like America, especially in America. We're going to have to accept a very important truth that's happening in America. We are a mature empire that has had a long run of prosperity, and it has created enormous entitlement. When I was growing up, I grew up in a blue-collar neighborhood, and I didn't know a single kid that starting in high school didn't work. Everyone in my high school worked. McDonald's, the car wash, landscaping, the liquor store like me. You know, what do you think is going to happen if kids don't grow up their whole life working?

20:43What do you think is going to happen when kids don't grow up working and then are getting money from their parents to buy everything? What do you think is happening when a lot of these kids, I feel bad for these kids. A lot of these kids started during COVID where they were told to stay home and the government's going to send them a check.

21:01they got tricked they grew up in a soft world and then they got paid to stay home at first and so we yeah i mean i think yes i think parenting that finds the middle a high net worth family right you know this is a cliche husband and wife grow up poor or middle or lower middle class they work their asses off and they make it then they have children and they're buying them stuff because, and they're making it easier for them because they have, we overcorrected for what was hard for us. The problem is finding the middle isn't overcorrecting to the other side of where you grew up. It's just finding the middle.

21:41And so, you know, I'm very empathetic. I get it. I see it in so many. I have tendencies of it. I get excited when, you know, I can buy something that I could have never bought. You know, when I was a kid, like, you know, there's all that kind of stuff going on. And so I'm very empathetic that it's hard. But yeah, I mean, I think I don't think parenting alone can solve a mature empire. There's a reason the Roman Empire fell. America has had a lot of prosperity and there's a lot of entitlement. Plus, there's been a lot of communication of like, you know, demonizing work ethic and hard work. Right.

22:27And people have weaponized. Not only youth culture of many humans have weaponized mental health to reinforce their own laziness or lack of accountability, which is devastating because so many people actually have mental health issues. but now if like you don't want to go to work a lot of people are weaponizing that and it's a very confusing time and a time of transition for companies and people and i remind a lot of business owners the best kids are doing it for themselves you don't need to work at kmart or walmart or mcdonald's anymore like if you're a whiz kid at 16 and 17 and hungry and ambitious you're building an online business for yourself you don't need to go and work at a you know, a department store or a landscaping company or painting houses.

23:16And so to make a couple bucks. So, you know, it's a different era as well. I'd love to circle back to the competition and balance side there in a world where it is about the eighth place trophies or the participation trophies, helping our kids develop and find a healthy relationship with competitiveness, with self-esteem. I coach high school track. And it's interesting to see those dynamics play out often of like the parents seem like their egos are on the line even more than the kids when the kids are competing. And often a lot of the stress comes from the parent side, not even from the athletes who are doing the work.

23:48So I'm curious any ways that you think as parents, especially we can nurture a healthy relationship with competitiveness and with self-esteem, but also a balance there in a world that gives out participation trophies for everything. I mean, this one's super simple. Eighth place trophies are hurting us. this one's not even like I really don't see the path of what we're accomplishing here because at its most basic form when we're starting to tell kids at five years old that it doesn't matter and everybody wins you're telling them that losing is bad and then they fear losing and then they're risk adverse they lose courage they overvalue other people's opinions on their losses we've destroyed so many children's competitive advantages and all those like this is why youth sports was so good for so long learn it was one place where merit dominated the truth like it was what it was this is where you really learned merit even schools not merit you know like you get you know grades they ebb and flow a little bit based on the teacher you know like it's not like every like there's participation in the classroom.

25:02And that's 40 % or 30 % or 25 % of your grade. That's completely subjective at some level. You know, obviously, if you raise your hand or things that need to, but nonetheless, sports was the most merit-based thing to kids. And once we eliminated that, because we didn't want to have our kids hurt, hurting from losing is one of the great foundational blocks of human development. I would say that a parent's job is to eliminate indifference. Indifference is what leads to very dark places in people's minds. And I think when you tell them it doesn't matter, it breeds indifference. And so, yeah, I really struggle with eighth place trophies.

25:51I really think that they've done real damage. And, you know, I think parents have to acknowledge that the last 30, 40 years, we've created a bunch of zoo animals. You know, these kids are overcoddled, and then they go into the real world. And, you know, I don't know if you know what happens with zoo animals. Back in the day, zoo animals used to be let out into the wild. They stopped doing that because within a week, within a day, sometimes within hours, that animal was killed. because it was over coddled in the zoo. And then it goes into the jungle and it gets killed. You have a 22 year old that you as a parent paid for everything their whole lives, eighth place trophies, you fighting teachers to give them better grades, you manipulating things behind the scenes, you creating nepotism and entitlement.

26:41What do you think happens when they go into the workforce? They're not prepared.