The importance of instilling confidence as a parent

0:00This is the Gary Vee Audio Experience. Oh, hello, Gary. Good to see you. Thank you so much, so much for being here. This podcast exists because of you, and it's all about teaching people how to stand in their confidence. So I'd like to ask you, confidence to me, I love the definition. It's a Latin definition. It stands for self-trust. So how have you been able to create such an amazing trust in yourself and belief and confidence? and how did your upbringing and your family and your mom and your beautiful community as a child help you do that? That's a great question. First of all, thank you for having me on the podcast.

0:40I think about this a lot because I think I really do see the world through the lens of confidence versus insecurity. I believe most of the pain and the hurt and the anger and the darkness in our society is completely based on insecurity. I think about it a lot. I define it in a couple quick ways. I think first and foremost, I do believe there is a heavy part of the DNA that you're born with that is a variable. Now, when I say that, I don't mean that if somebody is born, if they're both confident, not confident, one is, one isn't, that they can't be a different version of themselves. But I do believe DNA is a factor.

1:15I think parenting is a major factor. Now, this is where in modern times, especially the last 20 years, we've lost our way. I think telling their kids degraded everything leads to confidence. And I think we've overcorrected, you know, we came from the era of where your parents didn't tell you they loved you, right? Like the six that people talk about that. And now we're in an era where people tell you can do anything and the kid knows they can't. And we've got to find the middle. Yeah, yeah. My mom was incredibly influential. You know, I speak about that a lot. Yeah. And what she did well was she found the middle.

1:51You know, in a world of black and white, she found the gray. In a world of blue and red in politics, she found the purple. She made me feel good. But what she didn't do was manipulate merit. When I struck out in a baseball game, and tried to say that it was the sun was in my eye as an excuse. Yeah, wouldn't support that. She always knew that I would make it. But she still punished me for bad grades. Yeah. So she said, you're gonna make it and taught me that there wasn't ramifications for mailing it in. So in her grounding of me, she was teaching me that things have consequences, but they don't define you.

2:32She was finding the middle. The way I think about confidence has a lot to do with risk and executing on risk. This is why I'm very upset about eighth place trophies. I believe that we tell everybody that games don't matter, then we're confusing them. That's not how nature works. I think I have a lot of confidence because I failed a lot. Yes. I got comfortable with failing. I think a lot of people struggle with confidence because they got straight A's. Yeah. Yeah. They always were attractive. They didn't have as much adversity in their youth and they don't realize this is actually very powerful.

3:10I don't think I've ever articulated this. I don't think people realize that are good at everything in their youth that they actually were using their fear to stay away from things that they weren't going to be naturally good at. Yes. Oh my God. I see a lot of kids avoiding competition because they don't want to lose. So they get to say they're good at everything, but they're actually just good at a couple of things. They don't try everything. They don't try most things. I think when I think about confidence, I think it becomes very grounded in a relationship of losing. Give me the, I've never heard that.

3:44Give me the Latin term. What's the definition for confidence? It's fidere and it's like confianza, like in Spanish, confianza is trust. Yes. Trusting yourself. And so I share that because then I'm like, you don't have to say I'm not confident or I am. I'm like, do you trust yourself? Do you know why I trust myself blindly? Predominantly because I know how I act when I lose. That's so good. I don't trust myself based on when I win. That's easy. I believe that there is an incredible, incredible correlation to one's relationship of losing and their confidence. Do you feel like that your mom and your upbringing helped you with the humility?

4:25Because I will say when I met you in Melbourne and every time I've seen you like, you're just humble. You've stayed the same person. You're kind, you're caring, you're loving, you take photos with people like you're just so kind and humble. And I feel like it's a trait that not a lot of people have and you fucking have it. Do you feel like that supported you as well with the humility side of things? You know, I appreciate you saying that. And I think humility comes from the losing. I don't think I'm special because I've tasted losing so much. And this goes back to what I think is the ingredients of confidence.

4:59Trusting yourself is knowing you're good during bad times. I feel like I always say I'm a wartime general. I'm at my best when it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's so good. Your message is always about the empathy and the compassion. And it's such a message that the world needs. I think it's always needed it. But from when I was following you in 2017 to now, it's like it's amplified from your end, which is beautiful because it's needed. Have you done any personal work, coaching, therapy, the personal development, like to develop you, the person, you, Gary, the man, the dad, the person, and how important do you think it is like self-development and growth?

5:40I hadn't for the majority of my life, but over the last, ironically, probably, you know, to your point, six, seven years, and I don't really feel overly affected on my content because of this work. It was more about real stuff going on in my life. I had a come to Jesus moment in the last five to seven years where I realized, and it's crazy because Gary V, me, it's my authentic self, but in this setting, when he's doing public content, he's really good at candor. I've done therapy, I've done work, and it's been predominantly around me becoming better at candor with my close relationships, not my public life where I'm very good at it.

6:22It's been very fruitful and I feel like I'm better. Everything, including CEO, including father and all that. Oh, I love that so much. Thank you for sharing that. I think it's so important people don't see that behind the scenes. I think there's a fine balance back to purple and black and white. Like I love that people are being more vulnerable today, but I will say in the growth of vulnerability, we need growth and accountability. People become very good at blaming mom and dad for all their problems. Oh, this all sucks because my mom did this. Got it. Let me do the work. No, no, no, no, know yes comma you're a big boy now stop it yeah stop it yeah when i talk about being better at candor i never bring up what i know to be true about what got me there i would say watch what i knew not what i say i can't be in my parents maybe more than i don't know but i'm a human being there's things my parents did that i think were mis-turns miscues i never talk about those things.

7:22Yeah. Talk about my dad, maybe not like, like in the work environment, uncertain things, but not me, like things he did. And so I think more people should look at that. I think people need to look at accountability. I think people are finally looking to be a little more vulnerable and things of that nature. But I think accountability is on the decline, which is leading to a lot of the unhappiness in the world. I believe the quickest path to happiness is accountability. Once you realize that everything is your fault, you actually become happier. I mean, there's real shit in the world. Oh, for sure.

7:56Yeah, I'm one of them. I hear you. So when I talk to my friends in private, this is less public talk, or acquaintances or business people, if they ever like, you know, I'm so out there, people feel comfortable with the way I roll. I get into some deep ass combos. Yeah, I say to them all the time, because I can't relate. It's very hard to relate with somebody who's had an extreme thing happen. But I do say this to them every time, no matter how, I mean, tears of my eyes for hearing their story, I will still say, because I feel responsible for it. Hey, just to remind you, if anybody on earth with the same exact circumstances as you has ever done the work to get to a content and happy place, well, then you can too.

8:35Because a lot of people use their damage or their negative story as an excuse to never evolve. That's exactly why this podcast exists, because I had a fucked up life, sexually abused foster care my dad kidnapped me my husband died broke my back yeah look i'm sorry to interrupt i just want everyone who's listening to this you just rattled off four things that if 90 80 70 of the audience had one of those things happen yeah my grandmother may she rest in peace esther brought up being a widow every day of her life when i got older i tried to explain to him like grandma like i get it but you can't use that you've been widowed as an excuse for every single thing you do because unfortunately hundreds of millions of people in the test of time have been widowed yeah we got to move it you got to move it not for your not for anyone but yourself yeah and we can exactly before you start moving it you know how people say no no sally you got to do this for your kids fuck that no fuck that yeah 100 % Sally, you got to do this for you.

9:43And once you do it for you, then it will happen for the kids. Exactly. I love that. That's my favorite video. Like, hello, I have a million. But that video that's pinned on your Instagram with that lady, that's like, how do I become more confident? Because obviously I talk about this and I'm just like, you need a model. Like they're going to watch who you're being, not what you say. They don't listen to what we say. It's the best message for kids. 100%. I love you. And thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Take care.